Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tobi Induced Hilarity - Akatsuki ❯ Hilarity begins ( Chapter 1 )

Fiery torchlight flickered across the cold grey walls, giving the underground cavern a dark menacing feeling. The seven Akatsuki members stood around the stone table, intimidating and silent. Their imposing black cloaks hung motionless as they waited, red clouds glimmering in the firelight. There were two more members left to join the circle, two more members, then the meeting of the most feared organisation known to ninja could commenc...

 

“Hello Leader-kun!!!”

 

Startled, the S-Ranked missing nin looked towards the source of the sound. The entrance was flung open, sunlight and a man wearing a swirly orange mask entering the room. As he rushed over to the table and began bounding around like a puppy, a freaky, androgynous youth with yellow hair trailed in behind him.

 

“Tobi! Show some respect to the Leader, un!!”

 

“But senpai senpai! Tobi is just so happy to come to his first annual Akatsuki meeting. Oh, Tobi is going to have so much fun! Is there food? Tobi demands sushi! Or soup! Shark fin soup! Tobi wants shark fin soup!”

 

“Tobi, shut u...”

 

“Stop.”

 

As one the Akatsuki members turned towards the source of the voice. The Leader spoke again, his voice low and commanding.

 

“Tobi, sit down and be quiet. Deidara, drop the explosive spider. Kisame... put down Samehada.”

 

Reluctantly, the blue shark-man lowered the gigantic scaled sword and began the slow, laborious task of rewrapping the bandages. Shark fin soup,could you get any more insensitive?

 

“The Akatsuki meeting is now in session.”

 

“Yay!”

 

“Quiet Tobi, un!”

 

Konan mentally sighed, remembering back to when Akatsuki had consisted of only herself, Nagato, Kakuzu and Sasori. Sure Kakuzu and Sasori had their quirks, what with the heart eating and the human puppets, but these days Akatsuki seemed more like a comedy sitcom than the world's most feared organisation. Her train of thought was broken when Nagato continued addressing the group.

 

“Now first of all, is there any new business which needs to be addressed?”

 

“Tobi wants a funny hat!”

 

As Konan resisted the impulse to slam her head into a wall, Tobi's statement was met with a cry from Kakuzu.

 

 

“Do you think those just grow on trees?! Giant straw hats like that are expensive! We don't give those to rookie members.” Tobi nodded sagely in understanding, before coming to a realisation.

 

“Ah, so that is why you and Hidan-san don't wear them.” Tobi beamed behind his mask at his own cleverness.

 

“I $&#%ing wish. It's because Uncle Scrooge here kept %#^&ing destroying them with his %#^&ing over the top freaky-ass mask attacks!” Hidan ranted, eager to take the opportunity to bad-mouth his partner.

 

“At least I don't pretend to love pain then whine like a little girl about how much having my hair pulled hurts.” Kakuzu shot back.

 

“Misanthropic #%&$ing tightwad!”

 

“Oh, big words, you masochistic psychopath!”

 

“Deidara-senpai, Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san are scaring me!”

 

“Get the hell of me you masked idiot, un!

 

“Stiff little hoarder!”

 

“Freaky voodoo rip-off!”

 

“SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!!!!” Konan cried.

 

“Hn.”

 

“THAT INCLUDES YOU UCHIHA!!!”

 

The raven-haired man nodded in acquiesce and returned to his silent, unknowable thoughts.

 

“We're an elite organisation of S-ranked missing nin. Act like it!” Konan finished her tirade and turned towards the Leader, nodded in appreciation and continued from where he had left off.

 

“Once again, is there any new business?”

 

All eyes turned towards Tobi who, although squirming with excitement and anticipation, this once had the foresight to keep his mouth shut. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it was Kakuzu spoke next.

 

“I propose that we can maximise financial efficiency by reducing the amount of money given out for use on missions. We're losing dozens of yen on expenses incurred during travel and let's not forget the incident with Kisame at that sushi restaurant. The owner was related to the Mizukage for Kami's sake, if he wasn't such a greedy pig we'd have had the entire village on our case. To illustrate my point, I've prepared a two hour long presentation which...”

 

“There will be no presentation” stated the Leader, his voice perhaps a touch faster than usual.”

 

“But if we streamline the organisation...” Kakuzu attempted to continue.

“Akatsuki has NINE members! Why would we need to streamline the organisation?” queried Kisame.

 

“Don't bother.” responded Hidan. “Trust me, he doesn't %#$&ing compromise.”

 

“Does anyone apart from Kakuzu or Tobi have anything to bring up?” Silence greeted the Leader's question, broken only by the sound of Tobi squirming around in his seat. “Good. In that case, I have an announcement to make.”

 

“Corpse buffet! corpse buffet! CORPSE BUFFET!” Zetsu chanted .

 

“Zetsu? How long have.. nevermind.” Kisame trailed off.

 

“To try and increase Akatsuki's efficiency, we try and create partnerships which can exploit combined strengths to maximum efficiency. That's why for the next few days we're going to try out some new partner combinations. The Leader paused watched the mixed reactions that were occurring in front of him.

 

Kakuzu and Hidan appeared to be experiencing mutual happiness. Deidara was over the moon, while Kisame looked minority regretful and unhappy. Uchiha Itachi's face was impassive as always, not giving anything away. Konan didn't seem to care, while Zetsu... appeared to have retreated into his leafy cocoon. However, it was Tobi who had the greatest reaction.

 

“DEIDARA-SENPAI NO!!! Tobi had fallen down into the foetal position and was now bawling his eyes out. “ “Senpai, don't leave Tobi! Tobi has been a good boy!”

 

“The allocations will go like this” the Leader said, ignoring Tobi. He stood.

 

“Kisame and Human Pein”

 

“Whatever”

 

“...”

 

“Deidara and Hidan”

 

“No more Tobi! No more Tobi! No more Tobi!”

 

“Yes, A $%#&ing girl!”

 

“Kakuzu and Itachi.”

 

“Finally, someone quiet and serious.”

 

“Hn”

 

“Tobi and Zetsu”

 

“DEIDARA-SENPAI!!!!!”

 

Zetsu just retreated further back into his flytrap.

 

“Konan and I shall return to Amegakure. You have all been assigned your missions, return to this place in two days.”

 

With a cry of “Hai”, and blubbering from Tobi, the ninja left the cave, leaving only an empty cavern and a curious sense of foreboding.