Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tobi Induced Hilarity - Akatsuki ❯ Kakuzu and Itachi - Sleepwalking ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Kakuzu and Itachi

After leaving the underground cavern, Itachi and Kakuzu departed immediately to begin their assigned mission of hunting down a missing nin from Kiri. As they leapt away from the congregation of Akatsuki members into the forest, Kakuzu heard the satisfying sound of the tiny explosive note he had attached to Hidan's cloak exploding, followed by a scream of rage and pain. Immortal creampuff. Whatever happened to enjoying pain?

Kakuzu was on cloud nine. Now Hidan's bitching was Deidara's problem. No more obsessive religious rituals or long drawn-out battle-speeches which left the opponents bored to death. And he'd actually received a good partner!

As they jumped through the freakishly-enormous trees, Kakuzu studied the Uchiha out of the corner of his eye. The raven-haired youth seemed lost in his own contemplations, face hidden beneath his Akatsuki trademark hat, and that was absolutely fine by Kakuzu. Imagine if he'd been stuck with Tobi... He shuddered at the thought. Uchiha Itachi, neat, quiet and polite. He continued on, content with the silence.

Four hours later...

Kakuzu couldn't take the silence anymore. It was nice to have a little quiet and all, but this was insane. It was understandable that he had remained mute while they were hurtling through the trees, seeing as they had to concentrate, but they'd left the forest THREE HOURS AGO!

At least with Hidan it had never been awkward... He stopped himself. With Hidan it hadn't been awkward because any potential silence had been filled with either swearing or insults. What sort of religion advocated swearing anyway?

There was an event that had happened earlier which kept playing over and over in Kakuzu's head. About ten minutes after they'd left, Itachi had suddenly halted, spun around and headed back the way he came at nearly super-human speeds. A couple of minutes later, while Kakuzu was still debating what to do the Uchiha had returned impassive as always with his right hand covered in blood. What the hell? Kakuzu wasn't sure if he wanted to know what the Uchiha had been doing.

Still, now seemed like a good time to ask. Besides, he wasn't sure he could take the silence much longer. He turned his red and green eyes towards the man.

“Itachi-san, what was your reason for abandoning me earlier?” The aforementioned Uchiha stopped and turned to face him, face expressionless and eyes like obsidian.

“Hn.”

Kakuzu's eye twitched.

“Hn?”

“Hn.”

Kakuzu felt an overwhelming desire to smother the youth with his own oversized hat but refrained, seeing as how expensive bloodstains were to remove.

Quiet descended between them as they advanced into the fading twilight, with Kakuzu now wishing he'd got Kisame for a partner instead. Finally they reached their destination, an apparently abandoned wooden building in the middle of nowhere. Quickly deactivating the security seal, they entered. Itachi went to examine the armoury while Kakuzu began working on the enormous pile of budgets he perpetually carried with him. How he always managed to carry enough paperwork to keep a Hokage busy for a week had never been figured out, but there it was.

1:37am that night

Kakuzu lay fully-clothed in the small, uncomfortable bed, contemplating the ceiling. Kakuzu was never able to get much sleep, partly due to his unique metabolism but mostly because his frigging animal masks always dug into his back. Ah, the price or immortality. As his mind emptied, his eyes finally began to close and he drifted off into a deep, dreamless...

“pocky.”

Kakuzu's eyes shot open. That had sounded like... No, it coudn't be, Itachi's room was on the other side of the complex. His eyes flickered across the dim room, settling on a dark vaguely-humenoid shadow positioned next to his door. He blinked once in an attempt to clear his vision.

When he opened his eyes, he found himself staring directly into Itachi's face.

“pocky.”

Kakuzu nearly had a massive, pentuple (5-way) heart attack. After a few seconds his ninja reflexes kicked in, smothering his shock. Although it was hard to tell, Itachi's face was showing slightly less emotion than usual. His eyes seemed wide open, yet unseeing. He also had his Sharingan activated. All in all, he wasn't acting like he noticed that his face was so close to Kakuzu's he could have touched it with his tongue.

Great. Itachi was a sleepwalker. He almost missed Hidan... Almost.

Kakuzu was feeling really, really awkward. Their lips were centimetres away from each others. He didn't want to wake Itachi up and have to explain how they'd ended up in the same bedroom a head jerk away from kissing, but he also really didn't want to stay like this. He slowly his head out from under Itachi's, careful not to bump him. Deciding to forgo sleep that night, he got up and headed for the door.

Only to be blocked by Uchiha Itachi, who he noticed was only wearing a shirt and undergarments.

“pocky”

Kakuzu had had enough. Seeing as waking Itachi up now would not be too awkward, he reached a hand forward to poke the Uchiha in the forehead.

Only to retract it as a kunai sliced through it's intended trajectory.

Kakuzu stared at the Uchiha incredulously. How could he do all this and not wake up? He decided that it was best to leave well enough alone and turned to leave.

The kunai whistled past his head.

Feeling a mounting sense of dread, Kakuzu turned to face his temporary partner once more. Itachi's arm was raised, a second kunai prepared in his hand, ready to throw. Then he noticed the exploding tag attached to it's handle

Kakuzu gulped. This was not going to end well.

“pocky.”

…

It was quiet and peaceful in the pre-dawn morning. A few crickets chirped, a nocturnal bird cried out softly and the wind blew through the grass, creating a soft, calming swish. All in all, it was an idyllic, relaxing scene. Not for much longer.

It started with a flash of light, followed instants later by an explosion. Then came an angry cry, followed by more explosions and flashes of light. One particularly big explosion then lit up the night sky, echoing around the once-tranquil landscape.

Kakuzu was feeling very, very annoyed. After throwing the explosive kunai at him (Which had taken out a good chunk of his door, and the surrounding hallway, Itachi had chased him around the building, flinging more ninja knives. He had rather unfortunately ended up in the armoury, and Itachi had followed, picking up an extra large box of explosive tags. He had then proceeded to continue throwing kunai, now complete with explosive tags, at Kakuzu. He'd even managed to find an experimental supersize tag which had destroyed a good portion of the front of the hideout. Hideouts were expensive! Not to mention they had to be built by Akatsuki agents, because it was too secret for normal workers to do!

Still, he'd got out of the building and drawn Itachi out with him, who finally seemed to be running out of explosive tags. He still wasn't sure how the Uchiha was still sleeping, but he decided to save that particular puzzle for later. And what the hell was pocky? At least Itachi wasn't using... Wait, what was he doing with his hands?

“Katon: Great Fireball Technique!”

“For the love of...”

Kakuzu hastily leapt out of the way of the enormous fireball. Now he was manipulating chakra? Had this guy massacred his clan in his sleep or something? He doubted he'd be able to get close enough to the Uchiha to wake him without loosing at least three of his limbs, so he'd be better off just avoiding the attacks until Itachi awoke.

“Suiton: Water Shark Missile Technique.”

Kakuzu barely had time to erect a wall of earth to stop the enormous blue water shark from taking his head. He knew water jutsu as well? He suddenly remembered Itachi's Sharingan. This was going to be a long night.

“pocky.”

Two hours later

Katon Jutsu. Raiton Jutsu. Suiton and Doton Jutsu. Kage Bunshin. Genjutsu. Even a couple of Futon Jutsu. For the last two hours Itachi had thrown what seemed like every type of attack in existence at him. Claws of wind. Birds of fire. A freaking unicorn of Lightning. Kakuzu was pissed. No non-jinchÅ«riki being should have that much chakra! And how could Itachi NOT BE AWAKE YET!? The guy could sleep through invasion. Probably while fighting off the invasion at the same time.

Kakuzu was currently standing behind a protective wall of earth as it was pounded by Itachi's impressively large collection of Suiton Jutsu. He was just barely able to stop himself from Katoning the Uchiha into the next century. Still, while incredibly frustrating, Itachi hadn't thrown anything more powerful than a B-rank at him. With Kakuzu's skin hardened to the consistency of steel, none of Itachi's attacks were really powerful enough to do any lasting damage. Besides, if he killed his current partner he'd be back to dealing with a certain Jashinist, and when it came to annoying, the Uchiha wasn't a patch on Hidan.

Kakuzu suddenly realised that it was quiet. Itachi had finally stopped. He tentatively released the earth wall and scanned the landscape for Itachi, ready to reactivate his jutsu at a moment's notice. In what was now the early morning light, he could see Itachi standing still, hands now by his side, still asleep.

The man breathed a cautious sigh of relief. Itachi's eyes seemed to be returning to their... Wait, they weren't returning to black. Instead they seemed almost like a... bladed shruiken.

“Amaterasu.”

“$#@%!”

…

As the deadly jet-black flames sped towards Kakuzu, who looked like he was ready to cry, blood began dripping out of Itachi's eyes. The unexpected wetness on his checks was enough to snap him back to reality.

The Uchiha blinked twice. After a quick analysis of the surroundings, namely the dark flames with power matching that of a thousand suns flying towards his partner, he decided it was in his best interests to shut them off. He did so, then returned to his neutral position.

In a temporary state of shock at the near death experience he had just gone through, all Kakuzu could do was squeeze out a few words.

“You sleepwalk.”

“Hai”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“You didn't ask.”

“I didn't... ask.”

And with that, the ninety-one year old missing nin fell to the ground, twitching uncontrollably.

…

Itachi and Kakuzu stood facing their mission objective, a powerful missing-nin from Kiri who from what Kakuzu had heard had been able to hold off three of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist simultaneously. The man was physically imposing, standing at a least two and a half meters (8ft 2in) tall and wearing blood-red shell like armour with an enormous sword strapped across his back.

Considering that this guy was worth 63 million ryo in the Kiri bingo book, the two Akatsuki members were in for a long and difficult battle. Kakuzu hoped so anyway, he REALLY needed to let off some stress.

The Kiri nuke-nin grasped his sword and pulled it off his back. It seemed to radiate power, taking on an ethereal red glow.

“Prepare yourselves, for you are facing the Red Demon of the Mist. You should be honoured that I consider you worthy enough to use the Akurei Kizu on you.”

Oh yes, this guy was going to be perfect for stress relief. Kakuzu had a LOT of issues that he had to work out and an epic fight was just what the low cost doctor ordered.

“Remember it's name well, for it shall be the last thing you ever...”

“Tsukuyomi!”

As the feared nuke-nin fell to the ground curled up in a foetal position, Itachi calmly walked up to him and sliced a kunai across his neck.

Kakuzu growled softly and began grinding his teeth together. Denied of his chance to take out his frustration on someone, right now he was on a hair trigger. He walked over to where the Uchiha was standing and slung the corpse over his shoulder. Remembering the consequences of killing Itachi, he calmed himself. Money would make things better. Money always made things better.

…

It was mid-morning by the time that Kakuzu woke up. As suns rays gently stroked his face he thought back to the events which had occurred yesterday. He was currently lying in a portable sleeping bag in the middle of a small grassy knoll, located far, far away from the Akatsuki complex for obvious reasons. It had not been a good night. Every single sound had come out as “pocky”, and Kakuzu had spent the entire night expecting explosive kunai and lightning unicorns. Seriously? Lightning unicorns? What sort of an excuse for a ninja can come up with that brilliant attack? Still, the rest of yesterday after they'd killed the Kiri nin hadn't actually been all that bad. Sure Itachi had been silent, which was generally irritating, but he hadn't actually done anything particularly antagonising. Plus he'd been able to kill a group of Oto genin that had crossed their paths. Killing Orochimaru's underlings was always fun.

And they'd got the money. Sweet, precious money that made the world go round. As soon as he'd got it he'd clasped onto the case like a drowning man holding a rope and refused to put it down. He'd been forced to leave it at the compound, he wasn't willing to risk taking it outside for the night, but he'd left it in the ultra secure, five-door safe.

Deciding it was time to return, he got up and began walking in the general direction of the temporary hideout. All in all, he couldn't decide whether he preferred the Uchiha or the Jashinist anymore. Well, preferred wasn't really the right word. Which one he felt undying hatred towards less? Ah well, as long as he could take the silence and didn't come within ten kilometres of Itachi when he was sleeping, he'd be fine.

Reaching his destination, Kakuzu couldn't help but flinch at the damage Itachi had done to the compound two nights ago. The whole front wall had bee obliterated. Not that Itachi cared or anything, he'd just said “Hn” and ignored him. Walking through the amusingly still standing doorframe, he immediately began heading towards the safe. When he reached the hallway the safe branched off from, he was confronted with a very odd sight.

Itachi was standing in the corridor leaning against an enormous wooden crate. The Uchiha was surrounded by a huge pile of wrappers all the colours of the rainbow and seemed to be chewing on what looked like an overly long pink cigarette. At that point Kakuzu realised that he'd never seen the Uchiha eat before. Considering the ridiculous amount of packaging littering the ground, he must have eaten almost... a whole crateful.

“What... what are you eating?” The Uchiha didn't even turn to look at him, continuing to chew as he spoke.

“Pocky.” So this was pocky. Where had he managed to find an entire crate of the stuff? It looked expensive, why would the hide-outs stock pocky of all things? It didn't show up in his budgets.

“Where did you get it?”

“Shop.”

They were in the middle of nowhere! How the hell had he managed to find a shop? The Uchiha still wasn't even looking at him! Suddenly something clicked in Kakuzu's mind. If the crate hadn't come from the hideout... He was gripped by a cold realisation.

“W... where did you get the money?” The Uchiha moved out of the way, revealing the very open and very empty vault behind him.

“Bounty.”

Kakuzu froze. His brain just couldn't process it. The logical insanity of buying and eating 63 million ryo of pocky in a single nigh was pushed to the side, replaced by complete, absolute fury. All rational thought fled. As his body sprang into action only one thought filled his mind.

Itachi was going to pay.

“I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR HEART!” He screamed, a primal cry of grief, horror and hatred. The Uchiha turned towards him as he leapt, scarlet eyes boring into his soul.

“Tsukuyomi!”

Kakuzu entered the greyscale, blood red skied world of Itachi's most powerful genjutsu. His brain unable to utilise cognitive thought, he was reduced to animal-like moaning and spitting, tears rolling down his cheeks as he strained against the metal restrains which bound him to the half-crucifix. Itachi stood in front of him.

“For the next seventy two hours I am going to burn piles of money in front of you as you watch. Consider this punishment for your greed and selfishness. I dislike greedy people. Enjoy your company.”

As what Itachi said registered in Kakuzu's now primordial brain, he began struggling furiously, not even thinking of trying to dispel the genjutsu. Not that it would have helped anyway, no non-sharingan user had ever escaped the jutsu.

“Dattebayo!”

Kakuzu whipped his head around, identifying the source of the statement as a young boy of about thirteen. A thought slowly made it's was through what remained of Kakuzu's mind, this child met the description of the Nine-Tails container in his youth.

“Tsk.. Troublesome.”

Standing to the side of the youth was another boy of about the same age, with a bored frown and pineapple hair. The boy seemed to talking about the container, who was ignoring him conpletely.

“Baka.”

On Kakuzu's other side stood almost a miniature version of Itachi, with cockatoo hair. The Kyuubi jinchÅ«riki pumped his fist into the air in response.

“Hokage!”

“Tsk.. Troublesome.”

“Dattebayo!”

“Tsk.. Troublesome.”

“Baka”

Kakuzu realised it wasn't going to stop.

“Hokage!”

Itachi lifted the first ryo note and burned it.

“Tsk.. Troublesome.”

Kakuzu screamed.

“Dattebayo!”

…

72 hours later in Tsukuyomi time, a few seconds in real time

Itachi deactivated his Sharingan and reached down into the crate, lifting out the remaining sixty-two million ryo (No one could spend 63 million ryo on pocky and eat it all in one go after all). Opening up another packet of pocky, he sat down on the crate and began waiting for Kakuzu to stop crying. It was going to be a long day.