Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tobi Induced Hilarity - Akatsuki ❯ Deidara and Hidan - Yaoi!? ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Deidara and Hidan

As Kakuzu and Itachi leapt away from the small grassy knoll after receiving their mission scroll from the female Human Pein, Hidan couldn't help but feel the tiniest twinge of regret. Despite Kakuzu's constant blasphemy, greedy ways and general heart-eating creepiness, Hidan still respected Kakuzu's power, and even felt that he had some sort of almost imperceptible bond with the man.

As Hidan turned towards his new and extremely attractive female partner, he realised that he would have to cut back on the swearing, at least until he could get into the girl's pants. Previous bitter experiences had taught him that women did not appreciate being referred to as hags or bitches no matter how hot you were. Enraged females could kick hard and despite his professed love for pain, being kicked in the crotch was one experience he did not #&$^ing enjoy in the least. He'd have to play it cool and act sensitive and polite for once.

At this moment the tiny explosive tag that had been attached to Hidan's cloak exploded, sending him headfirst into a tree..

“Kakuzu you $&#%ing %#^&!” “I'm going to #%@& your $*@& through your #%$& #^$*#(@# in a $^#*&%^$ through #^$*% #%$&% and $&#*@^ #%$&## Three minutes later... &$**# #&$^$ ^&# hippopotamus #^&$(* and the ^##%@$!^$#&@^# so you'll #^#*% in a #%*&# sideways!” “$#^$*#(@$*#@!*#^!”

As Hidan finished and returned to his feet, he saw that all of the other Akatsuki members had departed, leaving only Deidara, who was looking somewhat shellshocked at the moment. Hidan flashed his most winning smile

“Hi there.”

Deidara just waved.

The two stood there in silence for several seconds before Deidara turned and slowly walked into the forest. Hidan trailed behind him.

Several extremely awkward minutes of walking later...

Hidan decided to go for broke. Since Deidara (which was a weird name for a girl) probably already considered him a jerk, it wouldn't hurt to try out a couple of pick-up lines he'd been working on on her.

“Dei-chan, can I ask you a question?” The yellow haired youth flinched at the honorific but said nothing. Hidan took this as a sign to continue. He walked up behind Deidara and wrapped his arms around the teenager's neck, not seeing the horror-filled look on his face.

“Don't you think your cloak would look great on the floor next to my bed?”

Deidara stopped dead in his tracks, unable to speak. Hidan mistook the meaning behind Deidara's sudden ceasing of motion and continued.

“Come on baby, You know I'm @&#%ing hot!” His hand began trailing down Deidara's back. Only to stop as it was captured in an iron grip.

Deidara turned towards him, coursing with fury, his face fiery red. The sound of snapping bones could be heard as he squeezed Hidan's hand.

“I. Am. Not. A. Girl.” “Un.”

The sound of chirping birds filled the air.

“What the...”

Uchiha Itachi's chidori slammed through Hidan's chest like a meteor.

“Ah, f-$%! That #&$^ing hurts! What the #&$^ing hell was that for?”

“Akatsuki law Number One.” said Deidara angrily.

“What the f-$% is Akatsuki law Number One?”

“Any member who mentions Yaoi will get a Chidori through their chest.” said Itachi tonelessly, as he fired up another chidori in his left hand.

“$^#&! Stop f-$%ing doing that” Itachi quickly removed his left hand from Hidan's chest, the flaring electricity stopping it being soaked in blood. Hidan leapt away, ripping out Itachi's other hand.

More chirping birds filled the air. Hidan barely had time to turn his head before Hatake Kakashi drilled through Hidan with yet another chidori.

“#*$&! For the love of...Sharingan Kakashi!? What the f-$% are you doing here?”

“Got lost on the road of life.” Kakashi leapt back just in time to avoid his fingers being sliced off with a kunai. He immediately began making handseals

“Raiton: Ultimate Lightning Horned Horse Technique!”

Hidan stared at the attack, too incredulous to dodge. Neither he nor Kakashi noticed Itachi analysing the jutsu with his Sharingan.

“Is that a... unicorn of lightning?” Hidan regained his senses at the last possible moment, stepping out of the way of the attack with millimetres to spare.

“Can everyone just stop trying to stab me with f-$%ing lightning!?” Hidan yelled, now severely pissed. “I'm invincible you morons!”

“Go be invincible in Iwa.”

Hidan turned towards the source of the noise. Just in time to be blown far into the air by Deidara's explosive clay spider. Itachi turned towards Kakashi.

“This never happened.”

“Hai”

The two elite ninja left the area, leaving only two columns of swirling leaves and a grinning Deidara. Revenge was sweet.

…

Deidara was slowly picking his way through the trees, moving in the general direction that Hidan had flown. He was in no hurry, this was the best day he'd had in a long time and he had no wish to spoil it by dealing with loud-mouthed voodoo puppets any earlier that he had to. He was finally rid of Tobi. So if his replacement partner had tried to hit on him. Said partner now had three holes in his chest and had been blown kilometres into the air by a clay spider. The only thing that could make his life better would be news of the masked idiot's imminent demise.

While he didn't particularly want to spend time in Hidan's company, he realised fulfilling his objective would be infinitely easier with a partner. The pair had been tasked with massacring a prominent clan located in Wood country. Why, Deidara didn't care, he just wanted the opportunity to practice his art. Which translated into blowing up people.

“Blowing up people sure is fun, un!” Deidara spoke out loud to the empty trees around him, blowing up a squirrel that had been looking at him funny. If a squirrel blows up and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Deidara spotted his partner lying groaning in a small crater on the ground, next to a large tree that had violently ended his flight. Suddenly he remembered something. From what he'd seen, Hidan loathed Kakuzu on about the same level as he hated Tobi. This would mean he would be willing to do almost anything to avoid being partnered with him again.

A hilarious thought crossed his mind. If Hidan was immortal then it wouldn't matter how many bombs he hit him with, Hidan would just get back up. Therefor no permanent damage or ramifications. Therefor in the next couple of days he was going to practice his art on the man as much as was humanely possible. The man wouldn't be able to hurt him back for fear of being stuck with Kakuzu again.

An evil grin stretched across his face. Oh, this was going to be fun!

…

Sensing Deidara's approach, Hidan looked up. The Iwa missing-nin had a look on his face that the man did not appreciate one little bit.

“I am going to f-$%ing kill you, Dei-chan.”

Deidara's smile slipped slightly at the nickname, but came back within seconds.

“Hidan-san, I've just realised something, un.” Hidan wrapped his hand around the hilt of his tri-bladed scythe and stood up.

“And what would that be, Dei-chan?”

“If anything happens to me, you're going straight back to being with Kakuzu-san.”

“F-$%ing what?”

“If you stab me with that scythe, as you so obviously intend to do, you'll go back to your original partner. Therefor, you can't hurt me, un.”

“Tsk! What about you and Tobi?”

“Ah but you're invincible and I'm not, un. Nothing I do to you short of C3 is really going to kill you. I however, don't have a psychotic voodoo god to rely on.”

“Insult Jashin again and I will kill you. Kakuzu be damned!”

“Aw, does da poow wittle Jashinist need a hug.”

“What? f-$% no!

“Give me a hug or we fail this mission, and it's back to old threadsy with you, un.”

“But...”

“Hug! Now!” Hidan reluctantly stepped forward and held open his arms.

“I'm going to tell him you called him that.” Hidan grumbled as the yellow-haired hellspawn wrapped it's arms around him.

“Sucker!”

The Clay Bunshin tightened it's arms around Hidan and exploded, sending the extremely surprised Jashinist hurtling into a nearby tree.

“Ah #^@&ing tree! Why is always a f-$%ing tree?! #*$& $&%*...”

From a nearby branch, Deidara watched Hidan's rants with great amusement. Tormenting Hidan was almost as fun as blowing up squirrels. Almost.

…

“Hey Hidan-san! Do you want some dango, un?” Deidara asked cheerfully as he brandished a long wooden skewer with three white circular lumps impaled on it. Hidan stared distrustfully at the so-called dumplings.

“For the last f-$%ing time, no!” Hidan had learnt his lesson earlier when a supposed rice ball had exploded in his face, nearly blowing his head off.”

“It's not explosive clay this time, I promise.” Deidara stated sincerely.

“Really? Then I don't suppose you'd be worried about tasting it for me?” Deidara took a bite out of each of the dumplings, licking his lips in relish.

“Mmmmmm... That's some good dango!”

Hidan gingerly accepted the dango and held it at arms length, waiting for an explosion. When nothing happened, he lifted it towards his mouth, only for the skewer itself to explode, severely burning his face. Deidara began chuckling.

“F-$% you Dei-chan!”

The Jashinist turned and smashed his partner across the face. The Bunshin exploded the instant Hidan's fist touched it and Hidan was sent sprawling into the dust. Deidara emerged from a shield of trees further down the path and fell to his knees in hysterical laughter.

“Ahahahahaha... Ohyou...haha...shouldhave...hahaha...seenyourface...hahahaha...Kami I love my art!”

Brushing himself off, Hidan stood up

“Shut up! Nobody cares about your art!”

Deidara's laughter stopped immediately. Realised that he'd struck a raw nerve, Hidan continued on, hoping to infuriate the youth further.

“What the hell is this art of yours anyway? Explosions? That's not art. There's no skill involved in blowing something up.” Deidara straightened up, anger evident in his eyes.

“Don't insult my art just because you don't appreciate it, un!”

“What art? It's not difficult to blow something up!”

“You wouldn't appreciate a true artist if one exploded in your...”

“Artist? All I see is a hemaphrodite with a bomb obsession.” said Hidan with a malicious grin.

In a fit of rage, Deidara launched himself at the older man, kunai at the ready. Hidan easily sidestepped the wild swing and even so lightly ran his scythe across Deidara's shoulder. The youth span around, tensed to leap again only to see Hidan carefully scraping a small trail of blood from the scythe into a glass vial.

Deidara's blood ran cold as he looked down at his shoulder, where he could see a thin trail of red through a tear in his cloak.

“Oh f-$%.”

“Oh yes!” crowed Hidan.

“You didn't...”

“Take a sample of your blood for future use in my holy rituals? You bet your #^$&# I did!”

“But... you still can't hurt me, un!”

“Oh, I know I can't seriously hurt you, Dei-chan, but think of all the other wonderful experiences we can experience! Being covered in slugs or leeches for example! Or maybe I could just repeatedly bang my head into a f-$%ing tree! You like trees, don't you Dei-chan!”

“You're insane, un!”

“Tell it to Jashin, clay fetishist!”

“Shut up about your stupid god already, un!” Deidara was inches away from tearing out his partner's throat.

“Here's the deal, Dei-chan. I won't kill you in the most horrible way imaginable, and you will STOP THROWING F-$%ING BOMBS AT ME! Are we f-$%ing clear?!”

“Only if verbal torture is still allowed, un.”

A sneer crawled across Hidan's features

“I wouldn't have it any other way, Dei-chan”

The two S-Rank nuke nin began walking again, insulting each-other as they went.

…

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's suffer through the utmost suffering together!” Hidan cried maniacally as he plunged the pike deep into his chest.

The Wood nin just stood there for a second, blood dripping out of his mouth. Then, as Hidan screamed his rapture for all the world to hear, the patrol ninja tumbled to the floor.

Breathing heavily and enjoying himself immensely, Hidan straightened up and allowed his curse technique to release. He turned to his partner, who was standing behind him.

“Not .. pant.... bad … pant... eh?

Deidara stared at him in what looked like pure awe.

“You... You...” Deidara seemed to be struggling to get his words out.

“Yes?” said Hidan, glad that his partner was finally acknowledging his strength.

“You're completely useless!”

“.... What?”

“It took you ten minutes to kill one enemy! Do you know how many people I could kill in that time, un?”

“Obviously you don't comprehend what just happened. I just f-$%ing killed a man by f-$%ing stabbing myself through the heart!”

“And I just killed the other seven ninja in twenty seconds with explosive clay! What, you expected the other guys to just stand around and watch, un?”

“Well, yes...”

“Most ninja don't care @^&# about their team-mates! Haven't you ever run across this problem before, un?”

“Kakuzu usually deals with it.” Hidan mumbled.

“Kakuzu usually... We have to massacre a freaking clan! Do you realise how long it's going to take us if we use your method? Weeks, un!”

“It's what Jashin demands.”

“Not to mention you have to stay in the f-$%ing circle for it to even work, un!”

“Stop questioning the Will of Jashin or I will cut off your feet!” Deidara face-palmed

“Look, let's just get out of here, Ok, un?”

“Stop being so f-$%ing impatient! I have to complete my ritual!”

“How long is that going to take?”

“...Two hours.”

“...”

“I think I hate you.”

…

“Alright Dei-chan, enlighten me as to your magnificent f-$%ing plan.”

The two Akatsuki members were sitting in a hotel room in a small Wood Country village. They had decided to rest for the night and press on to the town where the soon-to-be-massacred-clan was located tomorrow. Currently they were trying to work out a workable strategy.

“Very well, un. I was thinking I'll fly over the village and drop C3 on it, while you stand underneath and make sure it hits, un.”

“Ha ha. Real f-$%ing funny, Dei-chan.”

“Well, do you have any ideas, un?”

“Well, you do know the scroll says to assassinate them quietly right?”

“What?”

“Yeah, look.” Hidan unfurled the instruction scroll and waved it at Deidara.

“... Now what?”

“What do you mean?”

“We're not exactly quiet assassins are we, un?”

“You might not be.”

“Says the man who took ten minutes to kill someone. Loudly.”

“Hey, I'm not that f-$%ing...”

“You have a tendency to laugh maniacally during your rituals.”

“...Really?”

“And my art...”

“Psychotic bomb obsession.” Interjected Hidan automatically, busy mulling over Deidara's worrds.

“...is not exactly quiet either, un.” Deidara finished

“Seriously? I laugh maniacally? I've never noticed it before.”

“You haven't?”

“No. Are you sure?”

“Umm, yeah, it's fairly obvious, un.”

“Okay then... Wait, what did you mean when you said you'd fly over the village?”

“Oh yeah, I can fly on clay birds, un.”

“What? Then why did we have to f-$%ing walk all the way here?”

“Because tormenting you is fun, un.”

“You are going to pay, Dei-chan.”

“Aw, what are you going to do?”

“Go down to the kitchen.”

“What?

Hidan stood up and walked out, smiling viciously.

Several minutes later Deidara was suddenly flung out of his chair by to a violent impact to his face, almost like being hit by a... metal saucepan? A cold certainty gripped his brain. He sprang up and made a run for the door, clutching his broken nose. There were a lot of nasty implements in the kitchen.

He staggered down the wooden stairs, pain blossoming repeatedly through his forehead. His flight down the stairs was hastened by what felt like a rolling pin to the back of his head. A fish-slice shaped impact appeared on his right arm. Hidan was getting creative. After a few minutes of searching, and several more kitchen-implement related pains later, a bruised, welt covered Deidara finally arrived at the hotel kitchen. What he saw scared him.

Hidan was standing in a blood-pentagram next to a bench in the centre of the room, curse activated. The Jashinist had an array of kitchen implements laid out in front of him. Upon seeing the instrument that Hidan held centimetres away from his own face, Deidara froze, then began speaking very slowly.

“Hidan, put down the cheese grater”

“But Dei-chan...” Hidan didn't have time to finish his taunt before Deidara tackled him, knocking him out of the ritualistic circle.

The two tussled for dominance on the floor, both unable to use anything except physical strength. Deidara had the element of surprise, and punched the older man hard across the face. The vial of blood tumbled onto the flood and the youth quickly grabbed it and flung it against the wall, shattering it. Quickly moving away from the Jashinist, Deidara spoke.

“Release your curse, or I'll blow up the clay I've attached to your back, un!”

“Oh but Deidara-sempai, Hidan-san has been a good boy! Don't be mean to Hidan-san”

“I f-$%ing mean it, un!”

Not willing to gamble whether Deidara was bluffing or not, Hidan reluctantly did so, returning to his normal appearance.

“Okay, Dei-chan, are we even now?”

“You just tried to shave my face off with a cheese grater. Trust me, we are so not f-$%ing even, un.”

“Tsk, you shouldn't be swearing at your age, Dei-chan!”

“Let's just... wait until after the mission, okay, un?”

“The mission we're supposed to do quietly?”

“You're little kitchen stunt gave me an idea. Trust me.”

…

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's suffer through the utmost suffering together!”

“Ok, next!”

“You know, this really takes the enjoyment out of the kill.” Hidan grumbled, as he removed the pike from his chest and deactivated his curse. The two Akatsuki members were standing in an empty field far, far from human civilisation, for obvious reasons. As Hidan's appearance returned to normal Deidara opened a metal suitcase and examined the rows of glass vials. Reaching in, he removed a full one and handed it to Hidan.

“We've been standing here for f-$%ing hours! How many left?”

“What do you know, only two to go, un.”

“You know, it's kind of weird that they had a blood sample for every single member of the clan.”

“Stop complaining about things that make our job easier and drink that blood, un!” Earlier in the day, Deidara had broken into the clan complex and raided the vaults (while Hidan had distracted the guards by pretending to be a door-to-door Jashin's Witness preacher), conveniently finding vials containing the blood of every individual in the clan.

“Pity we weren't there to watch them as they die off one by one! It would have been f-$%ing hilarious!”

“For once we agree on something. Now just kill these last two and we can go, un.” Hidan nodded and drained the vial, his skin once again becoming black and skeletony. Raising his pike, he impaled himself through the heart once more.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN FEEL THEIR AGONY RADIATING THROUGH MY BODY!”

“Listen! You're laughing maniacally, un!” Deidara insisted. Hidan deactivated his curse once more.

“No I'm not!”

“But you were! How can you not hear it, un!”

“Maybe because I'm not f-$%ing laughing!”

“But.. Look, it doesn't matter. Come on, just one more to kill and we can go, un.”

“Whatever you say, Dei-chan.” Hidan consumed the blood, and prepared to repeat the ritual one last time.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I CAN... Deidara, what the f-$% are you doing?!”

Only then did Hidan notice the veritable mountain of explosive clay that Deidara had laid around him. The yellow haired man was practically a speck in the distance, his voice barely audible. Despite this, the Jashinist could hear his words all too well.

“Taking revenge! Kai!”

The Jashinist went airborne. Deidara chuckled softly to himself. Ah, the joys of revenge.