Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tobi Induced Hilarity - Akatsuki ❯ Kisame and Human Pein - Glomping ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Kisame and Human Pein

First of all, let me just apologise in aProxy-Connection: keep-aliveCache-Control: max-age=0ance for any weird letters or lines of code in this chapter. For some reason word files aren't uploading and this is the best I can do right now. I'll try some more fixing at a later time. Enjoy!

As the female Human Pein was handing out the various mission scrolls, Kisame was considering the various pairings in front of him. Itachi and Kakuzu were probably going to be the best off, although Kakuzu was going to have a fun time when Itachi went to sleep. Deidara and Hidan's mission would probably involve a gratuitous amount of blood and sarcasm and as for Zetsu and Tobi... The plant man was probably going to end up smoking his leaves for stress relief. Kisame smirked. This was going to be a very interesting couple of days.

Kisame and Human Pein departed the clearing about a minute into Hidan's increasingly creative rant, despite pleading looks from Deidara. The shark-man glanced discretely at his orange-haired partner. So this was meant to be the Leader? Well, there was one way to find out.

“Hey Leader-san.”

The female Human Pein turned to him, staring impassively.

“Wanna make Konan jealous?” Kisame leered.

“Break Akatsuki Rule One and you will die.” Pein stated flatly.

Well that proved it then. When it came to Kisame there were only two ways women reacted when he showed even the barest hint of romantic intentions. Either they ran away screaming, or they dry-glomped him. It had to be Pein.

“Soooooo.... What's the mission?”

“We're patrolling the area.”

“Why?”

“Do not question my orders, Kisame. You'll find out soon enough”

“Kay” Kisame said childishly. They kept walking.

Somewhere, in a deep, dark cavern, Nagato calmed himself. He was a God. Gods were above petty emotions like annoyance.

“So... What's it like to be a man in a women's body?”

Nagato ground his teeth.

…

…

…

…< br>
“So if you sleep with someone can you get pregnant?”

“No.”

“But you're a women right?”

“Please stop.”

“So do you or do you not have a time of the mon...”

“Stop now. We will camp here for the night.”

“But it's still early.”

“You will need all the strength you can get for tomorrow. Sleep.”

Kisame pouted. He knew he was tempting fate by annoying the Leader, but it was so much fun! He was extremely expressed at the Leader's lack of external irritation, especially after he'd started questioning his sexuality. How he'd gotten away with that he wasn't sure. Not even Itachi had been able to take four hours of it. He'd made it to two and a half before using Tsukuyomi to force him to live through the worst torment imaginable. It had been at that moment that he had developed a deep fear and hatred of sea sponges. Stabbing he could take. Torture he could take. Seventy two hours of a pirate asking 'Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?', he could not take. Where had Itachi come up with a creature of such evil?  Clearing his head, he brought his attention back to far more relevant topics.

“But..”

“Sleep. That is an order.”

40 minutes later...

“ Kisame, please refrain from letting Samehada enter my sleeping bag.”

“Kay.”

…

…
…

…

…

“So why did we have to get up at 6 in the morning again?”

“To accomplish our mission to maximum efficiency.”

“Right. So, what are we doing?”

“There have been sightings of strange ethereal pulses of energy in this area. We're here to investigate if the rumors are true.” Kisame snorted in disbelief.

“That's it? Since when did Akatsuki chases after rumours and fairytales?”

“There have been cases like this before. Weeks of strange sightings of pink energy...”

“Pink Energy?”

“Before the rift opens.”

“Rift?”

“It is believed to be a gateway to another world. It stays open for a minute at most, sometimes nothing happens, sometimes.... things come through.”

“What sort of things?”

“Televisions, headsets, computers, all sorts of things. Much of our current technology is derived from what comes through these portals. It is believed that the Fourth Hokage of Konoha received a device which could propel cylindrical pieces of metal at almost unbelievable speed and power. It was believed to have made him impossible to defeat in battle. The potential gain is enormous.

“Kay.”

“We're approaching the centre of the sightings now”

The two Akatsuki members reached the peak of the grassy hill they had been climbing and stopped, momentarily transfixed. In front of them was an floating orb pulsing magenta-coloured energy, lighting up the area around it with a soft ethereal glow. It was like a storm of chakra, powerful and captivating, something which could be simply stared out for hours.

An abrupt torrent of memories exploded in Kisame's minds, horrors which he had long though locked away.

“Hey Itachi-san, any idea what that thing is?”

“Hn.”

“Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.”

“Hn.”

“It looks like a giant ball of pink... Wait, I think something is coming through.”

“Itachi-kun?”

“It has a Konoha headband, but it looks... plastic?”

“OMG, I'm in the Naruto world!! ITACHI-KUN!!!”

“Kisame, get it off me.”

“Awww, but Itachi, you look so cute together. It even has a badly stitched Uchiha symbol on its arm.”

“Now, Kisame.”

“Okay fine, but you owe me for this. How did it manage to grab you anyway? I thought you had better reaction time than this.”

“It's faster than it looks.”

“Stop calling me an it! My name is HinSakura Yanama-Ten! I got my name changed officially.”

“Did... did it just block Samehada one handed with a plastic kunai?”

“I didn't know I could do that!”

“Kisame, I'd appreciate you getting it off me soon.”

“All you have to do is ask politely, Itachi-kunnywunny. Hey, get back here!”

“Kisame, kill it now!”

“Suiton: Water Shark Missile Technique!”

“I wonder what else I can do. Great fireball Jutsu!”

“How did you do that without hand seals?! That isn't even the name off the technique! And that was a water attack!”

“Can I join Akatsuki now?”

“Wha... No!”

“I'm going to make you both my love-slaves. You'll look after the house and wash my feet and tell me how pretty I am and have three beautiful children...”

“Kisame, kill it now!”

“Kami-damnit Itachi, give me some help!”

“And cook me meals and take me to dinner and...”

“Tsukuyomi!”

“Yay! I have genjutsu-resistant eyes like Dei-kun! Maybe I'll get Sasuke to join us as well, I'm sure he'll forgive you after I tell him the truth about the Uchiha massacre. Won't that be great!”

“Ameratsu!”

“Now that's not very nice!”

“Oh Kami, she just blocked Ameratsu.”

“Shadow Clone Jutsu! Yay!”

“Itachi, how can she have so much chakra! There are thousands of her!”

“Come to me, my Akatsuki-bunnies!”

“KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!!!!”

--------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------
< br> Kisame fell to his knees as he recalled the most horrific experience of his life. In the end, it had taken four Akatsuki members, a Suna ANBU squad and the Second Raikage to finally bring it down. Kisame had been held captive for over a week, traumatising nights of kissing and glomping. All those involved had sworn never to speak of the incident again. Of those involved, only Itachi and Kisame still remained in the land of the living. Kisame looked up to see the Leader staring impassively down at him.

“Something is coming through.”

Weakly, Kisame looked up. A hand was reaching through the portal.

“Kill it.”

A feminine head came into view, covered in obviously fake coloured pink hair.

“Kill it!”

On the girl's forehead, a plastic Konoha headband glinted in the morning sun.

“KILL IT!”

“Kisame?”

“Leader-sama, I need to kill it now!”

Almost half of the girl's body had emerged from the portal.

“What purpose would that serve? This girl could provide valuable information.”

“Leader-sama within minutes this... thing will have the powers of a Kage.” Kisame said urgently, grasping Samehada.

The girl was completely out of the portal.

“If we could control that power...”

“Sir I've encountered one of these before.” Kisame spoke frantically “It destroyed a village and a Konoha ANBU team without breaking a sweat. It can't be controlled!”

“What the? I'm in the Naruto world!”

“You are letting personal feelings cloud your judgement...”

“Nagato-chan!” Pein turned towards the girl.

“How do you know my name?”

“I recognise you from your orange hair and piercings! You're so hot! But why aren't you using Yahiko's body? It would be so much hotter making out with both of you at the same time!” Human Pein and Nagato froze in sync. Disrespect of Yahiko would not be tolerated.

“Kisame, I give you permission to...

“Rasengan!”

“She's discovering her powers! I WILL NOT BE GLOMPED!!!!

“SUITON: A THOUSAND FEEDING SHARKS”

A tsunami of water sharks erupted from the ground, spraying water and mud everywhere. The two Akatsuki members watched on as the fangirl was completely and utterly obliterated. Also obliterated with the rest of the hill, ten kilometres of forest and a nearby village.

“Wasn't that overkill?”

Kisame was too busy crying tears of pure joy to answer him.

…

…

…

…

…

…


A week later, a body was found floating on an unnamed river hundreds of kilometres away by an old farmer couple. The corpse had several irregularities. It was wearing a plastic ninja headband. It had strange dyed pink hair. And unlike any other corpse they had ever seen, it opened its eyes, got up, thanked the couple and walked off into the landscape. It was heading towards... Konoha.

Surprise, Bonus, I'm-Sorry-I'm-So-Lazy-Please-Don't-Hurt-Me Omake:

“Otokage-sama!”

Orochimaru looked up from his most hated and persistent enemy, paperwork, to see one of his ninja enter his office.

“Yes, Jirgaru-san?”

The Otogakure chunin trembled, the conflicting emotions of of excitement, apprehension and fear warring within him.

“We've captured Uchiha Itachi!”

“Itachi-kun? Impossible! How?”

“An Oto patrol stumbled across an Akatsuki hideout. We brought in half the Oto standing army and surrounded the place. We were lucky, apparently he'd just fought the Gobi and the Nanabi simultaneously at the same time and won. Still, even exhausted, he managed to kill almost a a hundred and fifty of our men before we brought him down.”

“Kukuku, a second Sharingan in my grasp! Thankfully Sasuke-kun is currently not present at the base. Where is he?”

“He's in our most secure cell, bound...”

“Excellent”

“Chakra Repressed...”

“Splendid.”

“And unconscious”

“... What?”

“Sir?”

“Did you just say he is sleeping?”

“Otokage-sama, if I may, this is our most powerful base in all the Elemental Nations. It is highly unlikely that URK!”

“Do you have any idea what you have done?!” Orochimaru growled at the kunai embedded corpse of the Otogakure shinobi.

Grabbing as many important documents as he could, Orochimaru body flickered to the far wall and pulled the alarm lever, not willing to waste a second.

“f-*k f-*k f-*k!”

A shrill siren burst into life, echoing around the length of the base. Explosions could be heard in the distance. The might of the Otogakure shinobi could hold Itachi off for five minutes, right? He'd get out of the base with as much valuable information as he could and then come back in a few days and retake it if he could, or destroy it. Itachi wouldn't find him in the giant cavernous base in a couple of minutes. He'd be fine. He was...

“pocky.”

Slowly Orochimaru turned around. Standing at the door was Itachi Uchiha in all his sleepwalking glory, covered in blood, Mangekyo Sharingan spinning.

“oh kami.”

“pocky.”

…

… ;

…

…

…

…
< br>
The next day, an Oto messenger delivering information to the base was treated to an extremely unusual sight, Orochimaru hanging from a tree. The Sannin was heavily unconscious, bound, gagged, blindfolded and dangling by his tongue. Orochimaru woke up halfway through the messenger's five hour long endeavour to untie Itachi's insanely complicated knot. The messenger did not live very long after his task was done. Consumed by rage, Orochimaru turned to find that the jewel of Otagakure, the most powerful, well defended base of Orochimaru's forces, was gone. All that was left were a series of craters, some still burning with black fire, and a single empty box of pocky.
Converting /tmp/phpKW79b0 to /dev/stdout