Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tobi Induced Hilarity - Akatsuki ❯ Tobi and Zetsu - Madarasama ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

A/N: I really have no excuse.

IMPORTANT QUESTION AT BOTTOM OF PAGE

Tobi and Zetsu

It was a wonderful day in the land of the magical ninjas, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the original Zetsu was becoming increasingly displeased with the actions of one Madara Uchiha.

The two had left immediately after Hidan had started his rant, with Tobi shaking his head and telling Zetsu about how Hidan was a very bad boy. After about five minutes, Tobi had suddenly stopped. Zetsu had interpreted this as Madara dropping his facade. What it had not expected was that the Uchiha would begin singing his very own interpretation of `We are the Champions'. Over. And over. And over.

The quiet sounds of wildlife was broken by a loud voice once more breaking into song.

“We are the Akatsuki, my friends!”

The white half of Zetsu flicked it's eye over to the singing man, while black Zetsu remained in a semi-delirious trance of tranquility.

“Madara-sama.”

“And we'll keep on fighting, till the very end!”

“Madara-sama.”

“We are missing nin, S-rank missing-nin!”

“Madara-sama.”

“No time for losers, cause we've got your bijuu!”

“Madara-sama, what the hell are you doing?”

“Huh? Zetsu-san, Tobi doesn't know any Madara.”

Black Zetsu ceased staring off into the distance, a look of confusion evident on his face

“... Leader-san, is it really necessary to keep up this farce with just the two of us?”

“Is this Madara a friend of yours? Tobi cannot see anyone else here. Is he hiding somewhere? Could he be hiding... In your icky plant head thingy?!”

“Madara-sama...”

“What if he's hiding... IN MY ICKY PLANT HEAD THINGY!?”

And there was silence.

“...”

“Did you like Tobi's new Akatsuki theme song?”

“...”

“Tobi wants to go through the ground again!”

The plant man's darker side somehow turned towards its significant other, beseeching him for permission.

“Can we please eat him?”

“He would kill us in an instant.”

“The... where did he go?”

The plant man stared warily around the empty, flat plain they were traversing. Letting the masked man out of your sight was never a good idea, a fact that Sasori would have been able to attest to. Tobi had stolen all the instant kill poisons the pupeeteer usually coated his weapons with right before the Kazekage assignment. Sasori had been forced to use a shoddy substitute with a three-day death delay, leading to his unfortunate death at the hands of the rescue squad. Tobi had later used the poisons to stain Deidara's hair purple as he slept.

“Madara-sama?”

Silence

“Tobi?”

The devil's apprentice emerged from the ground, somehow smiling through his mask.

“Zetsu-san, Tobi was unable to find Madara underground.”

White Zetsu began to groan.

“But look! Tobi found you a snack!”

The masked man presented Zetsu with a severed human arm.

“Tobi thought you might like it.”

Both halves of Zetsu stared at Tobi, then at the arm, then at Tobi again. A tear formed in its eye.

“This is... the nicest thing anyone has ever given to us.”

“Th..thanks”

Tobi saluted, rubbing the back of his head embarrassedly.

As the emotionally-vulnrable Zetsu crammed the arm into his mouth, he wondered if the next couple of days weren't going to be so bad after all. Sure, Madara seemed extremely reluctant to not be Tobi, but perhaps Deidara had just been exaggerating when he'd claimed that spending time with Tobi was like having your soul slowly consumed by a rabid puppy one small piece at a time. He had a feeling they'd be just fine.

This sentiment lasted exactly fifteen minutes, when the two halves of Zetsu noticed Tobi was walking behind it quietly cutting heart shapes into its plant with a large pair of gardening shears. Black Zetsu immediately began detatching himself from its lighter side.

“Tobi...”

“Yes, Zetsu-san?”

“I am going to EAT YOUR SPLEEN!”

“He will kill us!”

“I DON”T CARE!”

The once tranquil landscape was suddenly filled with cries of rage, protest and terror. Tobi ran for his life, arms flailing above his head as he screamed in fear. Chasing after him was black Zetsu, eye practically red with rage. Trailing closely behind it was white Zetsu, futilely attempting to calm it down.

It was not a good start to the mission.

...

An hour later, after white Zetsu had finally convinced his black counterpart not to rip Tobi a new hole, the Akatsuki members sat down for a heart-to-heart meeting about their mission.

“I still want to eat him”

“No”

“What's the mission, Zetsu-san?”

“Pein has instructed us to meet with a group of Jashinnists over a potential business agreement. Considering you gave him that instruction, you should know what's going on.”

“Tobi doesn't give Pein orders. Tobi tried to demand a puppy once and Pein chased him round the hideout on a lobster.”

Zetsu grimaced. He recalled the incident well and had never been entirely sure why the man whose utter lack of humor made the Hyuuga look like rodeo clowns would do something so utterly bizarre and slapstick just to... for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

“Does Zetsu-san think that the Jashinists will be Tobi's friends?”

“Just... Sure, why not. In fact, give them hugs. Give them all hugs.”

The Uchiha suddenly froze. He slowly turned his head towards Black Zetsu, a calculating gleam in his eyes.

“Give the Jashinists hugs you say?”

His voice was somehow different, colder, more calculating. White Zetsu turned towards his counterpart, fear and panic evident on his face

“Don't say things like that, it's practically treason and it's not like we aren't replaceable!” the white plant-half whispered furiously. The black half took on a nervous, extremely creepy grin

“Umm... only of you want to?”

Silence reigned for a good minute and a half. Suddenly:

“Tobi loves friends and hugs! Hey, come back plant-samas!”

The Zetsus slowly rose back out of the ground, irritation at being called back evident on their faces.

“Let's go have some hugs!”

…

Shadows stretched across the land as the Akatsuki members entered the tiny village designated in their mission scroll. The few villagers that were still out took one look at the recombined Zetsu and fled to their houses, believing locked doors to be more than a match for magic super-fighters who could teleport and summon fireballs by waving their hands. It was a highly tense situation, predictably broken by the ADHD-possessed Wonder-Uchiha.

“Lollypop Zetsu?”

The plant man sighed once more and shook his head.

“No thanks Tobi”

“But if you have any fingers left...”

“Not now ebony-san”

“Don't call me that.”

A group of four figures in black cloaks emerged from a the village's pathetically small inn and walked towards the Akatsuki members in an intimidating display of obviously pre-choreographed marching.

“Ah, you must be the Akatsuki members we were supposed to meet.” the tallest one declared.

“Ya think? No, we're bloody dago merchants” white Zetsu murmured to himself, getting a chortle from the annoyingly eavesdropping Tobi.

“Indeed. We were told that you had some information for us.”

The Jashinist leader cackled quietly to himself, an insane sound that betrayed a deep, disturbing madness.

“Well that depends on what you're offering, freak”

White Zetsu stiffened slightly at the man's statement, something that did not go unnoticed by the Jashinists.

“Oh did we strike a raw nerve?”

“Self conscious are we?”

“Looking a little on the weedy side there”

“Guys, don't be mean, he hasn't done anything to you.”

Three of the cloaked figures turned towards a fourth, glaring underneath their hoods. Tobi, who had been miraculously silent up until this point, put up his hand.

“Umm, he doesn't seem like you guys.”

The Jashinist leader turned back to the Akatsuki members.

“Oh, Kaide? He used to be one of Jashin's most bloodthirsty followers. Then he went on a door to door Jashin's witness round in some village and was found a week later crying in a training field. Something really messed him up good.

The Jashinist being referred to began shivering, unwanted traumatic memories bursting to life within his mind.

/FLASHBACK/

KILLING PEOPLE BY TAKING THEIR BLOOD? HOW UNYOUTHFUL! CLEARLY YOU MUST BE ENLIGHTENED TO THE POWER OF YOUTHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Ignoring Kaide, who appeared to be having a trauma-induced seizure, the Jashinist leader turned back to the Akatsuki members, pulling down his hood to revel an ugly, balding middle-aged man.

“So, what have you got to offer us?”

Before Zetsu could answer, Tobi stepped foward.

“HUGS!”

“...what?”

“What my partner means to say...”

As Black Zetsu tried to run damage control, Tobi spoke again.

“Hugs for all of you!”

The zealot stared at Tobi, unable to comprehend the situation.

“Are you mocking us?”

“An eternal friendship!”

“Are you trying to say that you whether our data is useful? OK, here's a sample. The Hachibi jinchuuriki is incredibly sneaky, if he thinks he is in danger of loosing he will disguise himself as an octopus ten...”

“A friendship that will stretch to the stars above!”

The man stared beseechingly at white Zetsu, who was staring back maliciously. Tobi yelled once more, this time at one of the men standing behind the leader.

“Hey!”

“...Me?”

“You! Do you want a lollipop zealot-kun?”

Tobi raised a large rainbow coloured lollipop, waving it at the confused man

“Uh, no?”

“It's multi-flavoured!”

“No, really, that's OK.”

“It's very tasty!”

The Jashinist leader snapped out of his confused trance and stepped forward, slapping the lollipop out of Tobi's hand. It fell, landing in the grey dust, completely ruined.

“This is ridiculous! This is a serious meeting, not a...”

The man stopped, mostly because Tobi's hand was circled around his throat in an iron grip.

“You defiled zealot-kun's lollipop.”

Nasty chocking sounds came from within the man's throat as he flailed his arms uselessly. Tobi turned to Zetsu, for once completely and utterly still. His voice, although quiet, contained authority to command demons.

“Zetsu. Go underground. Now.”

The plant man nodded and began sinking into the ground. Tobi's wo... no, Madara's words brooked no argument.

…

Zetsu emerged two minutes later to the sound of cheerful whistling. He was confronted with a scene out of a horror movie. Body parts littered the ground, fingers and toes mixed with cold, grey dust. A fine air mist hung in the air. The Jashinists who had not contributed to the destruction of the lollipop were in huddles on the ground, shivering uncontrollably.

Tobi himself was leaning on a wall. Upon his head was half of the Jashinist's cranium, eyes still intact and darting everywhere.

It took a few seconds before either of the halves of Zetsu could speak.

“Bro?”

Madara/Tobi looked up

“Hm?”

“You are evil.”

“Zetsu-sama! There are a couple of shins still intact if you want them”

And immaturity reigned once more. The two halves of Zetsu shrugged.

“A meal's a meal”

As the plant man started eating the remnants of the unfortunate zealot, one of the remaining Jashinists raised a hand.

“Umm... Mr Madara-sama sir”

Tobi looked up, shock evident even with his mask on.

“Madara is here? We must find him at once! Quick, help me search!”

“But...”

“Help. Me. Search.”

Shaking even more, the three men scanning the environment, looking for all the world like a group of fully-grown adults playing hide and seek. The one who had spoken before worked up his courage and spoke again.

“theguyyoukilledwastheonlyonewiththeinformation”

Zetsu looked up from its scrounging, a finger hanging out of its full mouth.

“Huh? Ho, hat's hohay.”

The three men looked at each other, then at the Akatsuki members, then fled into the night.

…

What many of the people in that small, rural village saw that night through slitted cracks in their windows was a traumatic, terrifying experience. As the Akatsuki members left the village and vanished into the night, the people of that village met in the center of the village and decided that never again would they be subjected to such terror, such brutality, from ninjas like that ever again. The would rise up, for their deeply psychologically scarred children, and turn against the ninjas in a glorious People's Revolution. A new order would rise, of peace and freedom and ninja-hunting. Sadly, the whole thing came to an unceremonious end the next morning when the entire village was wiped out by a giant wave made of water sharks.

A/N: After the next chapter meeting at Akatsuki base (which looks as to be coming in 2017) there is still a loose thread to tie up. Meaning of course the self-insert fangirl with the powers of several kage curently heading towards Konoha. Basically, it will go like this:

Two teams of Akatsuki members, four members in total, are heading towards Konoha. What they find is a village overtaken by the fangirl, who has made some BIG changes. Couplings have been enforced, Endo Tensai has been used to resurrect and pair Sasori and Kimimaro together and the Hokage monument has been altered to have the Hokages making out. A few Konoha ninja have escaped and are running a resistance against her iron fist, notably Naruto and his Kage Bunshin army, who the fangirl is tearing up fire country to find and pair with her and sasuke. The vast majority of Konaha is under her brainwashed control.

An Akatsuki and Konoha coalition is formed, centered around her destruction. Thrills! Spills! Awkward Situations! All that and more, coming in the future!

I want anyone who cares to answer two questions, which will deeply affect my judgement.

Pick the four Akatsuki members you want to come to Konoha. One of them has to be either Kisame, Itachi or Pain, all others are entirely up to you.

Pick two Konoha ninja who have escaped the fangirl's malevolent grasp.

Due to me re-reading my previous author's notes and finding them horrible, I will end here. Review.