Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Tobi Induced Hilarity - Akatsuki ❯ Ominous Clouds ( Chapter 6 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Your friendly neighbourhood fanfic writer here. I’m here with the latest chapter (in case you hadn’t figured out), despite a less than encouraging review response. Anywaaaaay, here’s the next installment in my epic(y) story. But I hope I get a larger response or
. IM NOT GOING TO POST THE NEXT CHAP LOL
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. No, that’s douchebag style. I’m just kidding
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. OR AM I?
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. Yes, I am.
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. What, you didn’t trust me?
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. I thought we had something special!
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. We’re done professionally!

By the way, don’t forget I’m taking votes for the main characters of the story. In case you’ve forgotten, the insane self-insert has taken over Konoha, and due to events four select members of the Akatsuki are heading to everyone’s favorite Hidden Village to take her down. There are also three Konoha inhabitants who have managed to escape her grasp, and are holding out against her tyrannical, pairing-forcing rampage. One is Naruto, YOU DECIDE the other two (+ the four Akatsuki members, if you didn’t get it).

Here are the current combined stats from the two sites I run this story on:

Akatsuki

Itachi: 2

Nagato/Pein: 2

Deidara: 2

Marada/Tobi: 2

Hidan: 1

Konoha

Kakashi: 2

Neji: 2

Tsunade: 1

Shikamaru: 1

Shikaku: 1

Sasuke: 1

Sakura: -1

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Rain poured from the heavens as the two Amekagure Akatsuki members stood in the rain waiting for their underlings to arrive. The sunny clearing the base entrance was hidden in had become a swampy quagmire, a wet uncomfortable hellhole filled with mud and debris.

Konan shuffled uncomfortably under her logic-defying waterproof paper umbrella. Yahiko’s corpse was standing rock-still next to her, staring out blankly into the sodden trees around them. One of the more unusual problems with having your friend turn into a living zombie with dry-apple skin who communicated almost entirely through puppet corpses was that it made for REALLY awkward conversation. The unexpected freezing rain and flooded hideout wasn’t helping matters, something about a huge new body of water appearing out of nowhere and messing with the weather patterns? Kami damn it, she needed to say something.

ÒHey Nagato?Ó she asked

The Yahiko corpse turned towards her, fixating her with those damned swirly blueberry eyes.

ÒYes Konan?Ó

A moment of silence, as Konan hadn’t really thought any further into the conversation than that.

ÒUmm... What... What movies have, um, you... Nevermind?Ó she finished lamely, trying to sink back into herself.

The Akatsuki leader stared blankly at her.

ÒI don’t watch movies, Konan.Ó

ÒOh yeah.Ó

Comfortable silence quickly became uncomfortable. As the rain continued to pour, Konan alternately cursed herself for not trying harder to develop Nagato’s social skills and cursed the other Akatsuki members for being late. Now that she thought about it, why were they late? Kakuzu especially had always been punctual, for him to be late like this was against every greedy principal he stood for.

Two figures appeared in the gloom, melding out of the trees to become Zetsu and Tobi. The two (three?) Akatsuki members were chatting animatedly, slapping eachother on the back at regular intervals. Tobi seemed even more exuberant than usual, apparently coming to the end of some ‘hilarious’ story about his lifeÓ

ÒAnd when the man woke up, his skeleton was missing and Tobi was never heard from again! And that’s how Tobi lost his medical license!Ó

Both halves of Zetsu burst into hysterical laughter.

Konan cleared her throat, leading the plant-man to realize it was standing in front of a man who could kill it in seconds, and shut up.

ÒI see you’ve returned.Ó

Black Zetsu nodded sarcastically.

ÒWow I hadn’t noticed Princess Obvio... GurkÓ

Deva Path turned from where his hand was now wrapped around Zetsu’s throat and nodded to Konan

ÒProceed.Ó

ÒThank you Nagato. As I was saying, I take it the mission was a success?Ó

The two halves of Zetsu began stammering nervously

ÒUmm... well...Ó

Luckily for the spy, the guilty culprit was more than eager to confess, thereby saving Zetsu from a broken neck.

ÒTobi-sama killed them leader-sama! Are we going to have problems?Ó As the man spoke, sinister note crept into his voice, a palpable aura of danger engulfing the clearing. Pein impassively flicked his eyes onto Tobi.

ÒNo.Ó

ÒGood. In that case, who wants to go swimming in mud puddles?!Ó

As Tobi began rolling around in the mud, the other present Akatsuki members quickly moved to the other side of the clearing. A metaphorical lightbulb lit up above Konan’s head.

ÒNagato? What’s delaying your other body?Ó

ÒKisame’s sword got sick, and he insisted that we take it to a vet. It took a very long time.Ó

ÒWhy? There should have been one in your designated regionÓ

ÒWe broke into his house and threatened to consume his soul unless he helped the sword. He had an epileptic fit and we had to spend the next sixteen hours nursing him back to health.Ó

Ò...Ó

Suddenly, the three S-ranked criminals looked up as a foreign sound entered their hearing range.

ÒGldimstdygldimstdygldimstdyÓ

Liftin g his hand, Pein silently signified to move into a defensive formation. The sound drew nearer, combined with the sound of highly rapid footsteps. Suddenly, a terrified Deidara burst into the clearing, followed by a screaming, bloodied, very angry Hidan waving a triple-bladed scythe in a highly deranged-esque manner.

ÒGoldiemustdie!Goldiemustdie!GOLDIEMUSTDIE!!!&Oacut e;

ÒOH THE FEAR, UN!!!!!!Ó

ÒUpon hearing his beloved master’s scream of abject terror, faithful Tobi leapt out of the mud.

ÒFEAR NOT DEIDARA-SEMPAI!!!! TOBI WILL SAVE YOU!!!!

ÒTOBI-BAKA, GET OUT OF THE WAY, UN!!Ó

Sidestepping the fleeing Deidara, Tobi planted himself squarely in Hidan’s path.

ÒHidan-sama. I know you’re upset. But think, what will killing Deidara-sempai really accomplish? Look deep into yourself, what would Jashin want you to do?Ó

This was not the correct line of argument to take. Even more fury blossomed across Hidan’s twisted face as he charged on with renewed vigour.

ÒJASHIN DEMANDS BLOOD!! THE YELLOW ONE MUST DIE!!! I WILL BATHE IN HIS BLOOD!!!Ó

Tobi sadly shook his head.

ÒThen you will face my most powerful JutsuÓ

Black Zetsu gulped.

Reaching onto his back, Tobi pulled out of nowhere an impossibly large mallet.

Hiton: Mallet no Jutsu!!

Swinging the oversized hardware tool with force belaying his slight stature, Tobi smashed the mallet across Hidan’s face with Tsunade-esque strength, sending him flying towards the foliage.

ÒOh $&#^ no not the $&#^ing treeeeeeeesssssssssss.... THUNK!!!!!Ó

White Zetsu turned to the slightly horrified Konan and Deidara, who by this point was slinking cautiously back into the clearing and staring at the bloody mess in front of him.

ÒWell, there’s a lesson in this for all of us. That lesson being that the human body contains a surprisingly large amount of blood, and with a great enough physical trauma it can pretty much all come out at once. To conclude Pein-sama, can I eat him?Ó

ÒNo.Ó

ÒAww...Ó
ÒIf we’d all like to stop taking about Zetsu’s disturbing cannibalistic tendenciesÓ said Deidara, who had snapped out of his disturbed trance, ÒYou might be interested to know that our mission was a success, which I’m going to guess is more than can be said for Tobi, un.Ó Tobi turned towards him, and somehow visibly smiled under his mask.

ÒBubbles!Ó

Black Zetsu, on the other hand appeared mildly offended.

ÒDisturbing? Interesting choice of words from one who holds three-way make-out sessions with himselfÓ

ÒLies! Lies and slander!Ó

ÒEnough!Ó Pain yelled, surprising everyone. ÒDespite the fact that you successfully completed your mission, the fact that you had to have Tobi rescue you from imminent death shows that you and Hidan are not an effective pairing. I am highly disappointed in the way you have conducted yourselves as Akatsuki members! Therefor, the two of you will not be working together again.

Twin cries of joy came from Deidara and the unconscious Hidan.

White Zetsu nudged his darker half.

ÒSee? I told you controlling a female body would make him PMS... Gurk!Ó

Konan squeezed her hand around the plant’s throat, drawing him close enough so that only they could hear what they were saying.

ÒI’m doing you a favor shutting you up, mention that within Lord Pein’s hearing and he will kill you. Are we clear?Ó

ÒKuhhh.. Yes, crystal!Ó

Pein turned to his angel, who was holding the plant-man off the ground by his throat.

ÒKonan, what are you doing?Ó The woman released Zetsu and smiled sweetly

ÒNothing, Pein-sama.Ó

ÒWhat were...Ó

ÒOh look, Itachi’s back!Ó

The Akatsuki members not unconscious or insane (too insane) turned and indeed found Itachi standing behind them. The Uchiha looked significantly worse for wear than usual, his cloak torn and ripped and his body covered in gashed and scratches. Tied to his back were two enormous sacks, one of which appeared to be struggling and moaning.

Tobi looked up from where he was once more swimming in mud

ÒItachi-sama!! Where is Kakuzu-san?!Ó

ÒIn the bag.Ó

Konan and Pein looked at each other, for the first time in a while simultaneously lost for words. Konan started speaking very slowly, as if talking to an elderly relative, a child or an unexpectedly homicidal nutbag holding the manager of the organization's entire finances in a sack.

ÒItachi-san? Why is Kakuzu in a bag?Ó

ÒHe went insane.Ó

ÒAnd why did he go insane, Uchiha?Ó Pein growled, anger growing in his normally blank eyes. Deidara snickered.

ÒHeh, it does make him hormon... Gurk!Ó

Zetsu smirked. Pein turned away from the asphyxiating Deidara and stared into Itachi’s eyes.

ÒAnswer me.Ó

ÒI... Tsukomied him.Ó

ÒPut him down, Uchiha. Now.Ó

Itachi untied the sacks from his shoulders and slung them to the ground. One fell open to reveal a large number of 1,000 ryo bills. Out of the other fell an angry, insane-looking Kakuzu, who quickly moved to all fours and began growling angrily. Pein took a step forward, Deidara still dangling from his clenched hand.

ÒKakuzu. Are you alright?Ó Deidara glared at the man.

ÒHey, you didn’t seem concerned when Hidan was trying to kill m... Gurk!Ó

Kakuzu moaned and began rolling around on the ground. Pein turned to Zetsu.

ÒDo you have any herbs to cure this?Ó

Zetsu shook his head.

ÒIt’s a sickness of the mind. I highly doubt he’ll ever recoverÓ

ÒAkatsuki has no use for a broken employee. it appears... Tobi what are you doing?Ó

The masked man looked up from where he was bending Kakuzu.

ÒFixing him!Ó Konan groaned, and put her head in her hands.

ÒTobi... Please, put down the spanner.Ó

ÒYes Konan-san!Ó

ÒAnd the wrench.Ó

ÒYes, Konan-san!Ó

ÒAaaaand the power drill.Ó

ÒOk!Ó

Deidara turned from the rapidly growing pile of power tools to stare into Pein’s eyes.

ÒI’ll stop him if you put me down.Ó Pein thought about it for a second, lamenting agreeing to Madara’s farce.

ÒDeal.Ó

The orange haired man released the youth, causing him to fall into a heap. Getting up, and grumbling as he did so, Deidara walked over to Tobi, who was still engaged in his conversation with an increasingly pissed Konan.

ÒAnd the saw.Ó

ÒHai!Ó

ÒAnd the... what is that?Ó

Tobi looked down, and saw himself wielding a large jackhammer.

ÒI have no idea!Ó

As Tobi said this, he felt something sticky land on his back. Instantly recognizing the feeling, he slowly turned around, resigned dread creeping into his voice.

ÒDeidara-sempai has covered Tobi’s clothes in explosive clay, hasn’t he?Ó

Deidara grinned.

ÒYep, Katsu!Ó

KABOOM!

Ignoring the smoking crater in front of him, Deidara pulled a 500 ryo note from his pocket and walked over to the other side of the clearing, where Kakuzu had curled up in a ball after moving away from the annoyingly loud Tobi (who hadn’t noticed, being too busy abusing his ability to warp space and time to summon hardware tools).

ÒKakuzu, if you snap out of this I’ll give you 500 ryo.Ó The aforementioned man looked up, growled, then noticed the bill.

ÒMake it 900 and we’re good.Ó

Deidara shrugged and pulled out a couple more notes, handing them to the geriatric, who cuddled them protectively for a couple of seconds then looked back up at Itachi.

ÒWhy am I lying on the ground, why is my memory missing and what happened over the last two days?Ó

The Uchiha stared at him. He had been hoping that the mental trauma that Kakuzu had suffered would be enough to cripple his financial ability and thereby harm Akatsuki’s efforts, but it seemed as if the man had unconsciously mentally blocked the memories.

ÒWe had trouble over during the mission.Ó he said.

Kakuzu stared at him.

ÒIs that why you are covered in wounds?Ó White Zetsu queried

Itachi’s finger twitched, the equivalent of a normal person stuttering and sweating rivers.

ÒI put Kakuzu in a sack. That’s how I sustained my injuries.Ó

ÒWhat!? WHY?Ó Kakuzu asked angrily, with an unusual surplus of emotion.

ÒIt was very hard to get you in the sack.Ó

ÒThat’s not what I meant, boy! I’ll kill you for this humiliation!Ó

Konan mentally slapped herself for suggesting new partnerships to Nagato. Homicidal tendencies had always been in a reality within Akatsuki, but this was a whole new level. Surprisingly, it was Deidara who stepped between the two.

ÒPerhaps you should hear out his reasoning first.Ó he said, holding his arms in a placing gesture.

ÒThank youÓ Itachi muttered quietly in a monotone. Deidara smirked.

ÒHeh, I don’t want anyone gunning for you but me, Uchiha.Ó

Kakuzu lifted his arm, dark threads twisting in an aggressive manner.

ÒSo, whelp, tell me why I shouldn’t end your existence right now.Ó he growled. Itachi pulled a scroll off his belt and tossed at his feet.

ÒIt’s a message I intercepted from one of your bounty hunter contacts leaking information about your whereabouts to Takigakure, which I believe is your old village. I thought you might appreciate learning that one of your contacts has betrayed you.Ó

Kakuzu picked up the scroll and opened it suspiciously. As his eyes fell on the message inside, they widened, then narrowed immediately.

ÒHe is going to pay. Dearly.Ó

Itachi inwardly congratulated himself on his action. The man also had been leaking information about Konoha and Sasuke for years now, and with Kakuzu’s unwitting help he would soon be minus a heart. Plus Kakuzu would no longer be attempting to kill him. Win/Win.

Kisame and another of Pein’s bodies emerged from the trees, surprising a number of Akatsuki members who had been caught up in the drama in front of them. Kisame spotted Itachi and immediately headed over to him.

ÒItachi! You would not believe the s$^# I’ve been through in the past two days.Ó Itachi raised an eyebrow.

ÒHn?Ó

ÒYeah, we met this ulgh...Ó Kisame swallowed his words in mid-sentence as he remembered that Itachi has firmly requested to never again be reminded of The Incident, promising pain if his memory blocks were ever broken.

ÒYou know what? Never mind.Ó He said hurriedly. The Uchiha shot him a mildly confused look, and turned away.

Zetsu suddenly froze, a look of confusion on its face.

ÒThere is a clone of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki running very fast around a kilometer west of here!Ó

Hidan, who had just awoken, jumped up with a shout.

ÒJinchuuriki!? Where!?Ó Kakuzu speedily walked across the clearing and slapped him hard across the head.

ÒIt’s just a clone, absolutely no use to us.Ó

Hidan turned and glared

ÒThanks, missed you too buddy.Ó

ÒStill, perhaps we should see what he wants.Ó Pein orated pensively. ÒKonan, Itachi, Kisame, disguise yourselves as Suna ninja and follow me. The rest of you, wait here.Ó

The three nodded and henged themselves as non-descript looking ninja from the Village Hidden in the Sand, as did Pein’s two present bodies. The five headed out, leaving behind an irritated group of missing nin angry at being left behind.

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The Naruto clone ran frantically, desperate to reach someone, anyone, before it ran out of chakra. Using its super-Kyuubified hearing, the clone caught the sound of footsteps in the distance. Fearing that it would be agents of her, but needing to take the risk, the clone began heading off in the direction of the sounds.

As it ran, it caught a flashback from another dispelled Kage Bunshin

ÒAww, you were looking for help for your village, were you? Dat’s so cuuuute!! Sadly, I can’t let you do that, Naruto-kun.Ó

ÒFor the love of god Ibiki, what the hell is wrong with you? Listen to yourself!! Break free of her control!!! OH DEAR KAMI NOT THE DE-SPLEENIFIER!!!!Ó

The bunshin shuddered to itself. Of the hundreds of clones, only a couple could be left by now. It needed help now!

Homing in on the voices, the clone lept through the trees. Landing in a tiny grotto, it was confronted by five ninja wearing Suna headbands. The clone sighed in relief.

ÒPlease, you have to help me!Ó it practically yelled

The central ninja looked up, a blank expression on it’s face.

ÒWhat is it you seek, Kyuubi Jinchuuriki?Ó he asked.

ÒKonoha has... wait, how do you know what I am?Ó

ÒGaara-sama has informed us of your tenant.Ó The raven-haired, oddly familiar ninja to the left interjected smoothly. ÒWe ask you again, what is it you seek? You seem concerned.Ó

ÒKonoha has been enslaved!Ó

The Suna ninja froze. The raven-haired ninja clenched his fists.

ÒWhat?Ó The question was tinged with disbelief and anger. ÒWho? How?!Ó

The clone began speaking as fast as it could, it’s chakra quickly running out.

ÒShe came to the village gate, y’know, all beat up and that, and we took her to the hospital, but she snuck out and she... she was so strong! She said she wanted to become a ninja, then she cast this huge genjutsu and started using this... something on people, and she took over their minds and started making them do things to each other. She took over Konoha ALL BY HERSELF!!!!Ó

A female Suna ninja stepped forward.

ÒNinja! Who is she? What does she look like?Ó

The clone shuddered.

ÒI don’t know, it just calls herself ÒThe Empress’. It’s a teenage girl with pink hair...Ó

Three of the Suna ninja froze in place.

ÒRed clothes, a plastic Konoha headband and glowing purple eyes with Sharingan commas in them. Look, I’m only a clone and I’m about to dispel. You need to get to Gaara and tell him what’s going on. She’s raising an army!Ó the bunshin yelled frantically

The dark-haired ninja walked forward and put his hand on the clone’s shoulder.

ÒWe’ll help. Where can we find you?Ó The clone broke out of it’s panic for a second and chuckled to itself.

ÒI’ll know when you’re there. Trust me, I’ll know.Ó The clone looked down at itself. ÒI’ve gotta go. Oh, yeah, Don’t let her touch your neck!Ó

With those parting words, the clone exploded into smoke.

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The five S-ranked ninja dropped their disguises. Before the others could speak, Kisame turned to Itachi and stared into his eyes.

ÒItachi, I’m sorry that I have to do this. Hugs of Despair!Ó

Itachi fell to his knees, rising a few seconds later with his terrible memories restored thanks to their pre-agreed keyword.

ÒOh Kami, It’s one of them.Ó he sai... moaned, his eyes a touch wider than usual.

Kisame turned to the other Akatsuki members, fear etched in his blue face.

ÒPein-sama, loth as I am to admit it, we need to help Konoha.Ó he declared. Itachi nodded.

ÒSir, we need to nip this in the bud right row. If this girl is left alone she will become more dangerous than you could ever imagine.Ó

ÒPlease explain what the two of you are talking about.Ó Konan said irritably. ÒI can think of no conceivable reason why this is our problem. Pein-sama?Ó

Deva Pein shook his head slightly.

ÒWhoever this girl is, she knows far more about me than I am comfortable with. If what the Jinchuuriki said was true, she is powerful enough to conquer Konoha, and this makes her a threat to Akatsuki.Ó

ÒShe came from another realm, this makes her highly dangerous.Ó Kisame interjected helpfully.

Both Peins nodded, eyes hard.

ÒVery well. First we’ll meet back up with the others. Then, we go to Konoha.Ó

S&$^ just got real. Read, and please review, it encourages me. Also, vote in the poll. Go do that.
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