Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ What He Wants ❯ Part 12 ( Chapter 12 )

Part 12

 

 

 

Even though it violates the orders of his Hokage, Iruka tells Shiko everything, as he huddles on the floor in her embrace. He can't seem to help it; the words tumble out as though his sobs have blown up a dam inside his mind. He trusts her, he realizes, probably as much as he trusts Naruto or Tsunade. It surprises him, and yet it doesn't.

 

For her part, Shiko stays quiet and lets him talk, stroking his hair and his back, soothing. He can feel her get a little tense from time to time when she gets angry about something he's said, but she never interrupts.

 

Shiko begins staying over at his apartment after he has his breakdown. She sleeps on the couch, entertains and distracts him whenever he starts thinking too much, helps him clean and cooks for him.

 

Iruka is devastated to learn that Kakashi's crab cakes, the ones he loves so much, are actually Shiko's. Almost more than altering his memories, that seems like a violation of sacred trust, like blasphemy. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to eat them again, no matter who makes them.

 

He's too afraid to ask Shiko about anything else, about which memories of his are real. He knows most of his memories of Kakashi have to be false, but he doesn't think he could handle knowing which ones are. He has a hard time putting them in order. It would be simple if he could be certain which ones happened more than a month or so ago, but his sense of chronology seems to be screwy. No one ever mentioned that to him, so it might be another inadvertent side-effect of Kakashi's techniques.

 

He wonders what else might be wrong with him that no one knows about. Kakashi can boast all he likes about not letting anything go awry, but there's no way someone could prepare for every eventuality in a case like this.

 

It is four more days before the Hokage finally sends Iruka a message saying they believe they've worked out a way to fix him, and they're ready when he is.

 

Iruka smiles as Shiko's face lights up at the news. She's really been a godsend the past few days. Since the day of the meeting at T&I, she hasn't once mentioned love or acted like anything more than a good friend. He knows she still loves him, but he guesses it must have sunk in that she was causing him pain by reminding him of a relationship he can't remember, and a false relationship he can't forget. She hasn't said a word against Kakashi, either, even though Iruka knows she hates him for all that he's stolen from her.

 

Now she is joyful at the prospect of finally regaining her lover, her fiancé, and Iruka is happy for her. For himself, he is just uneasy and sick, but determined.

 

He wonders if Kakashi knows yet.

 

He wonders what Kakashi will do, after.

 

Iruka also wonders what he will do, after. Will he hate Kakashi? Will he be able to forgive him? Will he want to take Shiko into exile?

 

Will he love Shiko?

 

He wonders if he should say goodbye to Kakashi, before he forgets loving him.

 

Shaking his head, he scribbles out a return message to Tsunade, saying he's on his way to the hospital, where they will perform the procedures.

 

He releases the messenger bird through the kitchen window, and turns to Shiko. “Well, I guess this is it,” he says, dread and anticipation making a stewpot of his stomach.

 

“Moment of truth?” Shiko says wryly.

 

“I sure as hell hope so, or it'd be useless to go through with this, wouldn't it?” His voice sounds uncertain, to his annoyance.

 

Sadness veils Shiko's pretty, dark eyes. “Do you want to go through with this right now, Iruka? I'm sure the Hokage would let you have some more time to think abou—”

 

“No,” Iruka growls. “No more thinking. No more considering. I've had nothing else to do but that for the past two weeks, and it's almost driven me out of my mind. I'm doing this now.”

 

Shiko nods. “Good luck, then,” she says, clasping his hands.

 

He squeezes her hands, then holds on to them as she tries to pull away. “Shiko…”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Do you…want to come with me? I mean, you'd probably just be in a waiting room for however long this takes, but I…”

 

“I'll come,” she says, grinning widely. “I want to come, yeah.”

 

They walk to the hospital together, not speaking much. Iruka concentrates on what a nice day it is, to prevent the encroaching sensation of his body turning into a hunk of lead. This procedure will be a good thing, so he doesn't know why he's reacting as though he's terrified. He's not.

 

He is.

 

Tsunade greets them in the lobby, dressed in medic's whites, and directs Shiko to a waiting room. Shiko wishes Iruka luck again, waves and walks away. Tsunade then guides Iruka up to the third floor, where the procedure will be performed. She seems unusually peppy, and Iruka can't figure out if it's because she's happy or nervous.

 

“We've found a way to work around some of Kakashi's jutsu so that we can reverse the process,” she chatters. “Well, that's a little misleading—Kakashi was right; we can't undo what he's done, but we've found a way that we can restore your memories of Shiko and block off the altered memories. The blocks will make your headaches worse for a day or two, but we can help with the pain, and your chakra and neural pathways should normalize after that.”

 

“Have you told Kakashi about this yet?” Iruka asks.

 

“We discussed it with him at length, yes.”

 

“And he agrees it will work?”

 

Tsunade's face darkens a little. “He…has misgivings about our methods, but hasn't put forth any compelling arguments against them. I'm confident that we've worked everything out, though, so don't worry.”

 

Don't worry. That's funny. “Hokage-sama…it's extremely unlikely that Kakashi has told us everything, isn't it?”

 

Tsunade sighs. “Yes. But Ibiki and I both feel strongly that if he knew of a reason that this procedure would be dangerous to you, he wouldn't keep it from us, even if it meant he had to give something away that he hadn't planned on.” She scowled fiercely. “I don't like it any more than you do, knowing that there's something he's not saying. We've tried everything we can think of to get all he knows out of him, but he's too well-trained.”

 

“Everything you can think of?” Iruka asks, alarmed. “You tortured him?”

 

“Iruka.” The word is a warning.

 

He hangs his head, pressing a hand against his tremulous belly.

 

“Do you want the memories of the month you were with Kakashi?” Tsunade asks. “We are prepared to remove that time from your mind, including the past couple of weeks, if you want. That would make it much easier for you to adjust. You'd lose everything from that month, of course, not just Kakashi, but I think that's the best option.”

 

“I wouldn't remember what he did? None of this?”

 

“No. We'll go over it all afterward, so that you remain informed, at least, and then we can discuss what's to be done about Kakashi.”

 

“I…no. I don't want that. I don't want to lose any more memories than necessary, and I…” He doesn't want to lose Kakashi. Not in any way, but especially not the way Tsunade is talking about.

 

But won't it be better that way?

 

“It's possible you're not objective enough right now to realize what it would mean to keep those memories, when you'll be losing the others,” Tsunade says. “It's okay, Iruka; you don't need to decide right now. I just thought it would be more convenient and better for your mental health to get this all done at once, but we can always induce the amnesia later.”

 

“Okay,” he says, relieved. Making that kind of decision right now is beyond him, anyway.

 

They step into a dim chamber with glowing seals lining the floor, walls, and even the ceiling. Everyone who was present at the T&I meeting is there, wearing identical medic's scrubs, except Kakashi. There is a chair at the center of the room, around which all the symbols seem to congregate. There are straps to restrain the head, arms, torso and legs hanging from it.

 

Iruka shivers.

 

“Don't worry, Sensei,” Anko chirps, following his gaze. “This won't hurt. Much.”

 

“Anko,” the Hokage and Ibiki both growl.

 

The kunoichi smiles innocently.

 

“Please sit, Umino-san,” Ibiki directs him, holding the restraints aside so he can sit down.

 

“We're going to be doing a delicate operation, Iruka, and we just have to make sure you stay still. It's nothing to worry about,” Tsunade reassures him.

 

“Of course,” Iruka mumbles, trying to keep from trembling. He sits down, and remains still while Ibiki straps him firmly in.

 

Kurenai approaches him with a calm smile, saying, “Well, let's get this show on the road, shall we, Iruka-sensei?”

 

He clenches his teeth, unable to answer.

 

Her fingers form seals he's never seen before, and then there is only darkness.

 

***

 

Kakashi is not happy.

 

He has to admit, the procedure that Tsunade and Ibiki had outlined actually has a slight chance of succeeding. He's not too worried about that—what they're doing, he can undo. The biggest challenge will be getting enough time alone with Iruka to work on him, but he's not worried about that either—they can't keep him in here forever, and once he's out of here he'll be able to come up with something. Even if Tsunade makes good on her threat to send Iruka into exile. It might take more time than he'd like, but he can make everything right again. No, the success of their procedure isn't what's got him gnawing on his fingernails.

 

It's what will happen if the procedure fails.

 

Ibiki thinks he's come up with a way to block the altered memories, based on the blocks Kakashi used on the original ones, but Kakashi has misgivings about it. Kakashi's blocks and his alterations were based on his Sharingan. He doesn't think the non-Sharingan blocks will interact with the Sharingan-based memories the way Ibiki believes they will, but he only has hypothetical arguments. He doesn't think the procedure they've worked out is cautious enough, but since he can't pinpoint exactly why, of course they assume he just doesn't want them messing with what he's done.

 

He has a really bad feeling about all this. He'd thought they would have taken longer to come up with a plan of action. He knew they wouldn't let him participate in their operation, but he would have thought they'd put more value on his input, if only for Iruka's safety. He supposes that's why they're not really listening to him, though; they think it's what's best for Iruka. Kakashi has ulterior motives, after all.

 

Kakashi gets up and starts pacing around the room, chewing on a hangnail. He's trying not to think about what will happen to Iruka's mind if something goes wrong. Why wouldn't Tsunade listen to him? He'd just asked her for a few days to let him go over their procedure so that he could make sure they wouldn't harm Iruka, but she had not believed that was his motivation. Of course it is his motivation! If Iruka ends up damaged, he won't get what he wants, will he? So of course he would take care to prevent that from happening! Why can't Tsunade see that?

 

For nineteen wretched hours, his mind torments him with possibilities, half-formed plans and anxieties he tries to ignore. There is a cold, gnawing, crawling sensation on the back of his scalp and neck that won't go away, and eventually all of his fingertips bleed from the quick. He can't even remember ever biting his fingernails before, though he might have when he was a child. He can't remember ever feeling anything like this before, except when—

 

No, he won't relate this situation to the dead. Iruka's not going to die.

 

It's your fault if he does.

 

No it isn't. And even if—

 

Your. Fault.

 

It isn't—

 

Killermurdererdestroyer

 

“Oh, COME ON!!!” Kakashi roars into the silence of his cell. “He's not dead, he's not even close to dying! And even if he was,” he continues, advancing on the tiny mirror over his tiny sink, “I don't feel fucking guilty about it. I have no regrets about this or anything else I've ever done, so don't give me that bullshit, you son of a bitch!”

 

“Hatake-san?”

 

Kakashi whirls around. Ibiki is standing in front of his cell, regarding him shrewdly. He's in medic's whites, probably just come from working on Iruka. Kakashi starts to ask how it went, but the words stick in his throat.

 

Thankfully, Ibiki anticipates him. “Umino-san is fine. The procedure went well.”

 

Letting out a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding, Kakashi slinks over to his cot on shaky legs and drops onto it hard. “Can I see him?” he almost whispers, knowing the answer, but he has to ask.

 

“The Godaime and I don't think it's a good idea for you to have any further contact with him. We won't issue a restraining order ourselves unless we have to, but if Umino-san and Tatsumaki-san file for one, it will be upheld.”

 

Tatsumaki. Iruka is with Shiko. He remembers her, loves her. Does Iruka remember him at all? Did they take away even his memories of the month he spent with Kakashi?

 

Kakashi realizes he is huddling on his bed, hugging his knees, in front of Ibiki. He growls with frustration, gets up and starts pacing.

 

“I've never seen you like this, Hatake-san,” Ibiki murmurs.

 

“Yeah, you need to let me the hell out of here soon, before I start trying to eat the paint off the walls and calling you daddy,” Kakashi snaps.

 

“I don't think being in this cell is your main problem.”

 

Kakashi stomps up to the glass in front of Ibiki. “What is my `main problem' then, huh? That I had a fucked-up childhood, my father killed himself, and all my friends are dead? That I can do things even Uchiha Itachi might be squeamish about, and still sleep well at night? That I read porn in front of little children and I don't give a damn who knows? Stop me if I hit on the `main problem', would you?”

 

“You're in love with someone whom we are now obligated to keep you from ever seeing again,” Ibiki says quietly. “And you probably can't even admit it to—”

 

“Love? You think this is about love? I don't even know what that is, Ibiki-san!”

 

Ibiki snorts. “No kidding,” he says flatly.

 

Kakashi's eyes narrow.

 

“You'll be in this cell for the rest of the week. After that, the Godaime has an assignment for you that will keep you out of the country for a few weeks. Hopefully, by the time you get back, Umino-san and Tatsumaki-san will be gone.”

 

Ignoring the nausea churning in his gut, Kakashi says, “What do you mean, `hopefully'?”

 

Ibiki leans against the corridor wall. “The Godaime refuses to order Umino into exile. I can understand why; she needs all the ninja she has right now, and no one—but no one—wants to deal with Naruto if he comes home and Umino's not here. But if we can convince Umino that exile is his best option, and he requests it, the Godaime will find somewhere suitable to send him.” He sighs. “We're not stupid, Hatake. Like I said before, we know you're keeping something from us, and we know you won't give up. I really don't want to have to put any more shackles on you than you have already, and I don't want to push you into a corner, either, but you aren't giving us much choice. If you swear to your Hokage that you will not pursue Umino-san anymore, she will trust your word. But if you betray even the slightest hint of violating that trust, she's prepared to turn you over to me for reprogramming.”

 

Kakashi almost staggers. `Reprogramming' is what Root used to do, possibly still does, if Danzou is as active in the shadows as Kakashi suspects he is. The Sandaime was viciously opposed to the practice, and he would have thought the Godaime was as well.

 

“Don't force us to do that to you, Hatake. A reprogrammed shinobi retains almost nothing of its personality and is of very limited use, and almost all the uses are purely military. We would rather you let us try to help you.”

 

Kakashi stares at the scarred face across the hall, shaking his head slowly. “Help me with what, exactly?”

 

Ibiki steps away from the wall and begins walking away. “Just keep what I've said in mind, Hatake.” He pauses, only his back visible. “I've heard from your guard that you haven't eaten in over twenty-four hours. Don't start pulling that nonsense. Eat the next time they bring you food, or I'll shove it down your throat myself.” He starts walking again, and a few seconds later, Kakashi hears the hall door clang shut.

 

He tries to resume pacing, but it feels like all the strength has been sucked out of his legs. He sinks down to the floor in front of his bed, leaning on it.

 

Reprogramming.

 

Love.

 

“It's not over yet,” he hisses. “Not yet.”

 

***

 

Iruka is having a hard time tasting the food Shiko has made for them. He thinks it's duck something-or-other. She smiles at him across the table, and he's glad she looks so happy, but the smile he returns her feels like a mask on his face.

 

It's been two days since he had his mind…restored is the word that Wataridori used, but Iruka doesn't feel like it fits. He feels very disoriented. He remembers his relationship with Shiko, loving her and getting engaged to her. He remembers Kakashi following him around, and being confused about it. He remembers Kakashi coming on to him, and rejecting Kakashi's advances, and then…he remembers forgetting his relationship with Shiko, and being in love with Kakashi. But he can't remember why he was in love with Kakashi or why he forgot Shiko.

 

Oh, he knows why; the whole sordid situation has been explained to him in detail. But in his mind, it's like he's been fractured into two different people. It's very disturbing.

 

Tsunade has advised him to let them remove the memories of his month with Kakashi, and he has to admit that would make things a lot easier, in theory. He wouldn't have these weird, divided affections, for one thing.

 

He knows he loved Shiko with all his heart, before Kakashi started messing with him. He remembers the feeling. According to the Hokage, the only reason he felt anything for Kakashi was because of some memories that were manufactured for that purpose. He doesn't have those memories anymore, but he has the memories of an Iruka who had those memories, and remembers making love to a man, being made love to by that man, and though the notion's never disgusted him he never would have expected the thought to make him so—

 

“Iruka, is the food okay?”

 

Iruka looks up at Shiko and smiles. “Oh, it's delicious! I'm just a little…” His smile falters.

 

Everything had seemed so clear, when he woke up in the hospital bed with his beautiful fiancée holding his hand to her lips. But the more time goes by, the more his attention is divided between the pretty pixie face in front of him and the mismatched eyes he's not allowed to—shouldn't want to—look into anymore.

 

“I'm going to have them get rid of these memories of Kakashi,” he says abruptly.

 

Shiko pushes away from the table, walks over to him and crouches next to him, putting her hand on his cheek. “I'll go with you to speak to the Hokage about it in the morning, if you want,” she says solemnly.

 

He puts his hand over hers. “Thank you, sweetheart.” He knows she's relieved. He knows she wants Kakashi out of his head even more than she wants him out of their lives. If he was in her place, he'd feel just the same. But she has let him make up his own mind about it, without pushing him, and he is grateful to her for that.

 

Shiko gives him a half-smile, runs her thumb over his bottom lip, and stands up, turning to go back to her seat. Iruka grabs her hand, stopping her.

 

She turns back to him, raising an eyebrow. He tugs her closer, slips an arm around her waist and pulls her onto his lap. He stares into her eyes for a minute, and then kisses her hard. They haven't done anything like this since before Kakashi, and the familiarity of her slender softness is almost overwhelming. The taste of her is right and wrong. The tongue he sucks into his mouth is the perfect size, and it's too small.

 

He sucks on it hard, until Shiko whimpers and pushes at his shoulders a little, and he moves his head to trail biting, sucking kisses down her pale throat.

 

“Are you…sure you want to do this now?” Shiko gasps, clawing at his shirt, pulling it over his head.

 

Iruka tosses the shirt aside impatiently and rips open her blouse, buttons scattering. “I don't want to think,” he growls, biting on her breast through the silk of her bra, sucking on it until the material is dark against her skin. “I don't want to think.” He shoves the bra off her breasts, up to her neck, and sucks hard on her nipple, grabbing her ass and grinding her hard into his erection.

 

The moan above his head is deep, far too deep for a woman, and his head snaps up to look into silver and red eyes.

 

“You're so wanton tonight, Sensei,” Kakashi purrs.

 

“It's your fault,” Iruka snarls, standing up. Kakashi wraps his legs around him so Iruka can't dump him on the floor, but that's not what Iruka wants to do, anyway. He leans forward and sweeps an arm across the table. Dishes half full of food go flying across the room, crashing into the wall, the floor, spilling everywhere, but he doesn't care. He slams Kakashi on his back, on the table, kissing him hard while he tears at Kakashi's belt.

 

“Iruka,” Shiko groans, reaching between them and slipping her hand into his pants, around his cock, pulling hard.

 

“Iruka,” Kakashi groans, kicking off his pants and letting Iruka haul Kakashi's leg over his shoulder.

 

“Ah, slow down!” Shiko cries as he slams into her wet, soft body. “Make it last!”

 

“Harder,” Kakashi growls, slamming his hard, perfect body onto Iruka's cock. “Faster!”

 

“Iruka, I…”

 

“Iruka, you…”

 

“Iruka! Stop!”

 

Shiko's voice is alarmed, and Iruka can see blood dripping on to her breasts, coming from…

 

“Your eyes…shit, your ears are bleeding, too!” Shiko pushes him out of her, yanks his pants up and fastens them, then gets up to work on her own. “Come on, let me get a shirt and we'll go to the hospital—“

 

Iruka lifts his hand to his face. There's blood coming from his nose, now, too.

 

“Iruka, can you hear me?”

 

The pain that crashes through Iruka's skull makes the headaches he was having before seem like paper cuts. He doubles over, vomiting.

 

Memories are exploding into his head like fireworks, memories of Kakashi that are also memories of Shiko, and it's like trying to dissolve oil in water, or teleporting oneself into a stone wall. They're contradictions; they can't mesh; they can't both exist in the same space.

 

Through the blood in his eyes, he sees Shiko run shirtless from his apartment, yelling for the ANBU that are guarding him from a discreet distance.

 

He is aware, on some level, that he is screaming.