Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ What He Wants ❯ Part 14 ( Chapter 14 )

Part 14

 

 

Kakashi sits quietly in the branches of a tree, watching Iruka and Shiko saying goodbye to her tearful parents. The Hokage is there as well, and some ANBU escorts. No one else is present. No one else knows Iruka and Shiko are leaving the village at this particular time, though the story that Iruka's going on a long mission overseas has been circulating for a couple of days.

 

The ANBU will escort the couple to the coast, where they will board a ship bound for unknown horizons. Well, they're known to some people, but not to Kakashi.

 

He doesn't plan on following them. After the things Iruka said to him…he can't.

 

It didn't take anywhere near as long to unmake Iruka's altered memories as it did to make them, since many of the seals in the procedure room allowed him to make use of other people's chakra instead of his own. Wataridori in particular had a tremendous store of it, almost as much as Naruto—not counting the Kyuubi's, of course. It allowed Kakashi to finish the entire process in about six hours, though he'd still ended up sleeping for two days afterward.

 

But even if the process itself was easier, the undoing had been terrible. Kakashi was astounded by how right Iruka had been—he had put himself in those memories. He hadn't even realized he was doing it. To dissolve them, watch himself disappear from Iruka's head bit by bit…

 

He'll raikiri himself in the face before he ever does something like that again.

 

After he was done, Ibiki obliterated all of Iruka's memories following the time Kakashi performed the first jutsu on him. The month he'd spent with Kakashi, the headaches, the weeks of everyone trying to figure everything out, Iruka telling Kakashi he knew him, loved him—all of that was gone. He'd lost almost two months, and apparently it had taken a long time to get him to accept everything that had happened. Kakashi wasn't a part of that, of course. He hasn't been given another opportunity to speak to Iruka, and from all accounts, Iruka wants nothing to do with him anymore.

 

Kakashi doesn't know how they got Iruka to agree that exile was necessary. He was in T&I custody for another week, during which no one told him anything.

 

He was originally supposed to be on a mission out of the country now, but apparently the Hokage's emergency meeting with the daimyo was part of a peace treaty negotiation that rendered the mission request null and void. Since he gave the Hokage his word that he wouldn't go after Iruka, she allowed his release, and even allowed him to witness the chuunin leaving, though she stipulated that he wasn't to get any closer than this tree.

 

He wishes he was on a mission. He wishes he was anywhere but here, watching Iruka and the woman he loves leave Konoha for good. But he doesn't move until the ANBU have escorted the couple far out of sight, and the Hokage and Shiko's parents are long gone.

 

Kakashi wanders back into the village, aimless, holding Icha Icha Violence up in front of his face as usual but not even seeing it. His feet take him to the Academy, where classes are still in session. Seeing the place where Iruka spent so much of his time is part balm to his soul, part torture. Wondering at his sudden masochistic tendencies, he enters the building and starts wandering the halls.

 

He pauses outside a classroom when he hears Iruka's name.

 

“But when is Iruka-sensei coming back?” some little brat whines. Probably that Konohamaru kid, or one of his friends.

 

“The mission is indefinite,” drawls a familiar voice. It takes Kakashi several seconds to remember the name and face that matches it—Shikamaru, one of Asuma's old team, the only one who became chuunin after that ill-fated exam.

 

“What's that mean?” asks another child.

 

“It means he could be gone a really long time, or that he might not come back at all,” Shikamaru says.

 

There is a loud chorus of protests and complaints at this. Most numerous and audible among these are assertions that Iruka wouldn't leave for a long time without saying goodbye.

 

“When the Hokage orders you to go on a mission,” the young chuunin continues loudly, quieting the kids, “you go when you're told to. Sometimes that means you don't get to say goodbye. Sometimes it's even important that you don't. If you don't like things like that, you shouldn't be a ninja.”

 

“But—”

 

“I'm done talking about this. Get your history books out and start reading chapters five and six. Quietly, or I'm giving you an essay due tomorrow.”

 

There are groans, muttering and even some quiet sniffling, but the kids sound like they're doing as they're told. Iruka would be proud.

 

The image of Iruka cheerfully passing on a torch to a sleeping Shikamaru, slumped over a desk, leaps into his head, inexplicably depressing him. He walks away from the classroom, staring at the floor. He doesn't even have enough will to hold his book up at the moment, so he tucks it away.

 

The next time he looks up, he's in a deserted corridor he's almost certain he's never been in before. Funny, he's sure the Academy looks smaller from outside. Out of curiosity, he ducks through a doorway, but it only leads to a storeroom filled with office supplies.

 

He turns to leave, when he hears a familiar heavy stride loping down the corridor toward him, snagging all of his attention instantly. He does a quick check to make certain his veneer of complete indifference is intact, and a second later, his assailant leaps through the door of the storage room with a somersaulting handspring, and the thoroughly predictable cry of

 

“DYYYYNAMIC ENTRYYYY!!!”

 

He stopped wondering a long time ago how the hell Guy manages to find him in places he never expected to be in the first place, but it still sort of amazes him.

 

There is silence while Guy poses and gleams like a green hazard cone, and Kakashi completely fails to be impressed by him or, in fact, to acknowledge he is there at all.

 

When Kakashi deems that a suitable amount of time has passed, he shifts slightly and affects a minutely widened eye. “Oh, Guy. Didn't notice you there. `Sup?”

 

Guy shakes his fists with frustration. “Kyaa!! Truly, my rival, you are so hip you must have difficulty seeing over your pelvis!* But!” He thrusts an accusing finger at Kakashi. “I will not be dissuaded or deterred from my purpose!”

 

“Which is?”

 

“To ask you a question, Kakashi!”

 

Guy stands in uncharacteristic silence for several moments, finger still pointing. Kakashi waits for the question, but his self-styled rival seemed disinclined to speak further, so he repeats, “Which is?”

 

“Well…” Guy finally drops his hand. “Forgive me for using strong and inappropriate language, but what the hell is going on?” he demands, his voice low and bewildered. “I will not credit the hearsay and rumors among our fellow jounin, which are too numerous and unlikely—”

 

“Good, you shouldn't credit them. Whatever they are.”

 

“—but certain facts cannot be ignored!” Guy continues.

 

Kakashi sighs and sits down on a giant box of highlighters. “What facts are those, Guy?”

 

Guy sits on a pile of Post-It note boxes, facing him. He looks thoughtful for a minute. “Well, first of all, you were in the custody of T&I for a couple of weeks. I went over there several times to try and find out why, but they would not say and they would not let me see you.”

 

“Of course they wouldn't. It's T&I.”

 

“Of course, but I had to try anyway. Sometimes you can find things out just by trying, even if it's not the information you were expecting.”

 

“Sometimes. How about this time?”

 

“As a matter of fact, when I was leaving after a most unenlightening conversation with Ibiki-san, I happened to overhear your summon Pakkun arguing with Tsunade-sama. Pakkun was saying that he wanted to give you a report on Iruka-sensei, and Tsunade told him he couldn't, and he should return to the plane from whence he came.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“And it was later that same day that Genma-san reported that Iruka-sensei had personally confirmed that he—Iruka-sensei, that is—and you were embroiled in a youthful relationship of an amorous and libidinous nature!”

 

Kakashi's mouth drops open a little behind his mask. This is the first he's heard of Genma having talked to Iruka about anything like that. “Reported? To who?”

 

Guy looks at him curiously. “You don't deny this, Kakashi?”

 

“No, I don't deny it. Who did Genma report this to?”

 

“Um, the jounin in the lounge. The Hokage overheard and informed us all that we were not to bother Iruka-sensei about the matter, nor to direct any inquiries about you to the sensei, and she made several very colorful threats to our genitalia to ensure our compliance. But, my rival, if you have cultivated the fullness of love between yourself and the former teacher of our precious students—“

 

Fuck. “Former precious students,” he corrects, hoping to distract Guy. Sometimes he's very easy to knock off track, and when he gets off on a tangent he rarely remembers which way his original vector was heading.

 

Today, though, Guy seems unusually single-minded. “Then, how devastated you must be that the Hokage has had to send him on a mission that removes him from our village to an undisclosed location for what could possibly be years!”

 

The thought of an honest, stand-up guy like Guy sympathizing with him about this, crying manly tears for him, makes Kakashi feel like seppuku's not such a bad way to spend an afternoon. Or swallowing live weasels, maybe. “He broke up with me before he left. Before he knew he was going to leave, actually.”

 

Guy's eyes widen. “Kakashi, that's terrible! I'm so sor—”

 

“Look, don't say you're sorry. I deserved it, okay? I was an asshole. It was just sex, anyway. I'm over it.”

 

Silence presses on him like a grindstone for a minute.

 

“Kakashi.” Guy's voice is very quiet, which usually means he's genuinely angry about something. “Even if your relationship is over, you should not cheapen what you had by telling such lies, whether to me or to yourself.”

 

Kakashi forces himself to stand slowly, casually sliding his hands in his pockets, hiding his helpless infuriation. “Whatever,” he says, turning away. “You don't know anything about it, Guy. Just drop it.”

 

He starts to leave the storage room, but Guy is suddenly standing between him and the door. “I may not know the particulars, my rival, but I do not need to know them. I know you.”

 

I know you, Kakashi. I know you.

 

“You don't know anything,” Kakashi snarls. Guy usually doesn't get under his skin this easily—or at all—but today is just not an ordinary day. Kakashi feels like a twig trying to hold up a load of bricks.

 

“I can see that you are in terrible pain,” Guy continues. “Your anger cannot hide it. I know that though you may have lost your way and done something horrible, you are deeply sorry for it.”

 

Kakashi's fist catches Guy under the chin before he even realizes he's moving, knocking the man off his feet and through the doorway. He's straddling Guy almost before he hits the floor, grabbing him by the collar of his green bodysuit and shaking him. “You know fuck all about me, you shitty green bastard! I'm not sorry for anything! I don't regret anything, you son of—”

 

Guy somehow spins himself under Kakashi so that he gets a leg free, and kicks Kakashi back through the doorway, across the room and into a large metal cabinet on the opposite wall, hard enough that he leaves an impression of himself when he rebounds off it. He sweeps at Guy's feet when he comes through the door, and Guy manages to dodge it even with the cramped environment. Kakashi prepares to defend against the usual offensive, but Guy surprises him by lassoing his legs with some packing twine, presumably procured in this room, then knocking him over with a full-body tackle. It's such a departure from the Green Beast's normal fighting style that Kakashi is still for a few seconds, wondering if this is part of a new move.

 

No, he realizes with dawning horror. It's not a new move. Guy is partly pinning him, but mostly hugging him.

 

“You may lie to me, if you like, Kakashi,” Guy says quietly, unyielding against Kakashi's struggles. “But I am your friend, and I will not allow you to lie to yourself.”

 

“It's none of your business!” Kakashi cries desperately.

 

“You've lost something that was very important to you—”

 

“Fuck off! Let go of me!” He can't really understand why he's panicking, but he can't get himself under control, either.

 

“—lost someone you obviously loved very much—”

 

“What love?! Get off me!”

 

“—I'm so, so sorry, Kakashi.”

 

“If you're sorry, you can make it up to me by getting the hell off of me!”

 

“It's okay to cry.”

 

To Kakashi's mortification, that sentence seems to trigger something in his brain, and his eyes start stinging. “Get off—” He snaps his mouth shut when his voice cracks.

 

“It's okay to cry,” Guy repeats, patting his back gently even while deflecting a viciously aimed kick.

 

It's like an incantation. Kakashi's chest hitches. “Don't do this to me,” he whispers, and his breath catches again.

 

“It's okay, Kakashi.”

 

“Damn…damn it! Fucker…”

 

“It's okay.”

 

Kakashi digs his fingers deeply into the muscles of Guy's back, and with a strangled wail, his floodgates open.

 

***

 

Later, after Guy wrings out the top of his bodysuit and Kakashi finishes blowing his nose on a spare mask, he says, “Friend or not, Guy, if you mention this to anyone else, ever, I will find a very painful and unsavory way to kill you.”

 

Guy pauses in his pursuit of smoothing out every wrinkle in his clothes. “Which part should I refrain from mentioning, the crying or Iruka-sensei?”

 

“Either.”

 

Guy holds up a hand. “I swear I won't mention anything about either, then. Not even to you.”

 

Kakashi laughs a little. “Heh. I guess you do know me a bit, after all. I appreciate it.”

 

Guy raises a massive brow. “Don't mention it.”

 

It takes Kakashi a second to get it. For such a loud person, Guy's humor can be surprisingly subtle.

 

***

 

The months that follow Iruka's departure are some of the most agonizing of Kakashi's life, and he and agony go way back.

 

He loses interest in taking care of himself for his own sake, only doing as much as it takes to remain an efficient tool. He only shaves when the stubble begins to visibly change the shape of his mask, only eats when his stomach starts cramping painfully, only bathes if the smell would give away his position. He trains just enough to keep from completely losing his edge. The only thing he does more often than usual is sleep, and that's not because he wants to be healthy, it's because he wants to be unconscious.

 

Sometimes he wonders why he's allowing himself to go through all of this. The jutsu that connects him to Iruka, Orochimaru's jutsu, is still in effect. He knows that if he goes after Iruka, he can still fix this the way he's always meant to. He has enough control now that he can do it fairly quickly. He can even find a nice guy for Shiko, make them think they are in love with each other, once he's cleared Iruka from her mind. He doesn't mind taking care of her, as long as he has Iruka back. Hadn't he been determined that nothing would stop him? Didn't he tell Shiko, what seems like forever ago, that he was a man who got what he wanted?

 

But…

 

I love you… You need someone to know who you are, but you can't do it this way.

 

I trust you.

 

He can't. Even if it's killing him, he can't.

 

He really should be able to be more of an asshole, at this point in his life.

 

It surprises Kakashi how many of his colleagues seem to care that he's not at his best. At first, he thinks that it's because Tsunade ordered them to keep an eye on him, or because they're worried that his performance on missions might affect them, but as the months pass that seems less and less likely.

 

To begin with, Asuma and Kurenai constantly bring him lunch, every single day he's not on a mission, even if he's already eating, even when he asks them not to. They sit with him, talking, engaging him in their conversation when they can, and just talking around him if he refuses. At first it's really annoying. He's always been on good terms with Asuma, but he doesn't know Kurenai all that well, and the two of them together aren't like separate people at all, but some kind of couple entity. However, even after he lashes out at them, says horrible, unforgivable things to Kurenai and even insults the late Sandaime in a desperate attempt to get Asuma to leave him the hell alone, they still come back. They keep returning, keep caring about what he's eating and how he's doing, keep teasing him and bickering in front of him, and eventually he apologizes, and is forgiven.

 

Every week Ibiki manipulates him into Thursday night poker with some of Kakashi's ANBU kohai, because the man can't just invite him like a normal person. Kakashi has to admit, for the first couple of months he wouldn't have gone if Ibiki hadn't blackmailed or scammed him into it, but after a while it starts being something he looks forward to. One night he tries telling Ibiki that he doesn't have to go to any more trouble to get him to come, that Kakashi will keep showing up regardless. Ibiki just says, “It's no trouble.” When Ibiki goes to relieve himself a little later, his kohai admit to him that Ibiki does the same thing to all of them, and doesn't seem inclined to ever stop, even though they'd all show up willingly every week anyway. Kakashi concludes that it must be Ibiki's way of amusing himself, and resolves to put up with it. Besides, it helps keep him on his toes.

 

Kotetsu and Izumo make regular nuisances of themselves, trying to set Kakashi up with every single man or woman over the age of majority in the village. These set-ups always fail, often spectacularly, without Kakashi even having to refuse a single blind date. He's not sure how they manage to be such monumental screw-ups, until one day when the chuunin are stuck together with syrup and Kakashi's `date' is cursing like a sailor because her hair is stuck to Izumo's crotch. Kakashi howls with laughter, and through his streaming eye he sees Kotetsu and Izumo exchange a `mission accomplished' sort of look, and he realizes that all these follies aren't entirely accidental. He can't help but be fond of them after that.

 

Genma and Raidou, sometimes with other jounin like Aoba, Iwashi and Asuma, invite him out constantly. For drinks, for games, for the Icha Icha film premiere. He even starts taking them up on their invites after a while. It surprises him, but he enjoys himself, from time to time.

 

Guy challenges him about four or five times more often than usual, and muscles in on Kakashi's training regimen when he notices that Kakashi's barely doing the minimum that he needs to. He hates to admit it, but it helps. He doesn't have any motivation by himself, but with someone there, he can find the will to push his limits again. Guy also is true to his word, and never mentions Kakashi's breakdown or Iruka.

 

Kakashi thinks Guy might be his best friend, as weird as that seems.

 

He finds himself summoning his pack a lot more often, too, just to hang out, run through the forest or hunt. His ninken are great for cutting down on the time he has to spend alone, and wearing him out so he can fall right to sleep. At first, Pakkun acts very sympathetic and concerned, but Kakashi manages to irritate him out of that pretty quickly. Once Kakashi establishes that none of them are to mention Iruka, they're great company.

 

And then, there is Tsunade, who has for some reason taken an intense personal interest in him since Iruka left. She takes over his psych sessions, refuses to send him on solo missions even though he knows that she has plenty of S-ranks that she should be giving him, argues with him, bullies him into going out drinking and gambling with her and Shizune. She is the one who is primarily responsible for pushing him into having a life outside of missions, threatening him into not isolating himself, bulldozing him into accepting company, letting people closer to him.

 

He would probably have fought harder against all of these people intruding in his life, except they do provide marvelous distraction.

 

Because when he is alone, everything falls apart.

 

There is a wound inside of him that is only getting worse as time goes by. It is getting harder and harder to ignore. Kakashi knows it's only a matter of time before he loses control and becomes truly ill, possibly irrevocably. Tsunade can see it, he knows, but she doesn't know what she's seeing. Even if she knew, there's nothing she can do about it, so Kakashi doesn't bother to enlighten her. She gives him physical after physical, enough so that the sound of a rubber glove snapping makes Kakashi want to put on a suit of plate mail, but she can't locate the cause.

 

He continues to lose weight even though Kurenai and Asuma feed him, his laughter gets fainter even though Kotetsu and Izumo elicit it more often, he gets weaker even though he trains harder with Guy, and he becomes lonelier even with all the company he's started keeping.

 

Kakashi doesn't really mind, though if he dies this way it's not exactly the standard `honorable death of a shinobi'. The only thing that worries him is Iruka; he doesn't want Iruka to be experiencing this same illness. But that seems very unlikely, since Iruka doesn't remember enough about him to have the same kind of ties to Kakashi that Kakashi has to him. He's not sure that has a lot to do with it, but he suspects that it does.

 

***

 

It is October tenth, about halfway through the seventh month since Iruka left. Kakashi has lunch with Sakura at Ichiraku's, in honor of Naruto's birthday. They discuss Iruka a little, mainly how Naruto will react to his absence. Tsunade told him that she'd communicated with Jiraiya, and they'd decided it would be best if Naruto wasn't informed until he returned to the village, lest he return prematurely and start an uproar instead of concentrating on his training. There will still be an uproar when he returns, but at least he'll be properly trained and prepared by then.

 

Kakashi hasn't discussed Iruka with anyone since Guy made him cry, except for a few times that Tsunade has pushed him into lashing out at her about him because she's worried about Kakashi `repressing'. Sakura knows nothing of what went on between them, so the conversation is very casual, but he still feels raw and blistered inside after talking to her.

 

He tries training for the rest of the afternoon, but he really can't get into it. Genma invites him for a drink, but after the first beer he can't abide company anymore. He feels strange, like something's going to happen; he's anxious and jittery.

 

Deciding that it would be best if he just spent the evening alone, he buys some take-out gyoza and picks up two bottles of wine, and heads home. He still feels on edge. He decides that he'll summon the pack later, after the wine has mellowed him out a little, and let them keep him company if they can stay quiet. They usually have a remarkably calming effect on him when they're quiet.

 

He climbs the stairs to his floor, fishing out his keys, and looks up to see someone in civilian clothes sitting in front of his apartment door.

 

He drops both his keys and the bag he's carrying. One of the bottles of wine smashes on the concrete, splashing him.

 

Iruka stands up, brushing his hands off on his jeans, and smiles politely. “Good evening, Kakashi-san. We need to talk.”

 

 

 

* “I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis.” -Zaphod Beeblebrox, Douglas Adams' The Restaurant At the End of the Universe. Line shamelessly stolen because I really wanted Guy to say that, just once.