Naruto Shippuden Fan Fiction / Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ The Preferable Path to Perfection is You ❯ Chase the Dream ( Chapter 14 )

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Naruto are property of Masashi Kishimoto. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

Chapter 14: Chase the Dream

The following morning was tense as they shared breakfast together- rather, Deidara ate toast and Itachi opted simply for coffee. When Deidara had attempted to tactfully point out he hadn't eaten the day before either, Itachi had muted him with a sharp glare that suggested it would be wise for him not to comment.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay skipping college to take me, yeah?" Deidara finally spoke, breaking the silence hanging in the air like a cloying mist.

"I'm going to go there from the station," Itachi replied, his voice devoid of any emotion at all. "I'll only be an hour or so late."

"But you've never been late."

"I came home once though," Itachi pointed out. "I'm sure arriving an hour late and blaming it on sleeping in could be considered acceptable just this once. Either that or I can tell them my metaphorical cat ate my keys."

"You never did replace your clock," Deidara reminded him, looking amused at the reminder of one of their earlier conversations. "Without me around to wake you, you should probably do that."

Itachi pointedly ignored him, sipping his coffee and keeping his eyes on the table in front of them. He didn't need reminding of the morning's events- he'd barely slept all night for thinking about them, after all. He'd heard Deidara up and around at points in the night as well, indicating he too had been restless.

"Are you excited?" He asked quietly.

"I don't like long journeys," Deidara replied, looking troubled. "How am I going to fill that much time on the train?"

"Draw something. Take photos. There's plenty you can do- you're going to be passing through many lovely cities on your way."

"I suppose," Deidara sighed, turning his attention back to his toast with a heavy sigh. Itachi turned his own to his coffee, finishing it and depositing the mug in the sink.

Normally he'd wash it right away but he just couldn't muster the energy to care much about it that morning. He'd barely had the energy to even get out of the bed and take a shower but he'd forced himself to do so- as tempting as staying in bed all day was, he couldn't let Deidara leave alone.

"Are you ready?" He called over his shoulder from the doorway, clenching his car keys so tightly in his hand that his knuckles ached and his palm protested in pain.

"Yeah," Deidara called, pulling himself to a stand from the table. "I appreciate this, yeah."

"It's no trouble," Itachi replied bleakly, picking up Deidara's case and heading out into the hall. He felt like he was walking through a dream- a nightmare, rather, his feet propelling themselves forward and to the front door with very little effort on his behalf.

Deidara stepped out past him and closed the door- the last time he would, Itachi noted. He mentally shook himself out of it, heading down the garden path and putting the case on the backseat.

"Shotgun," Deidara called lightly from behind him, opening up the passenger door with a small smile.

"I'm hardly going to ride shotgun, am I?" Itachi replied lightly. "Unless you have a driver's license I don't know about."

"You wouldn't let me drive your car even if I did, yeah."

"True," Itachi shrugged, smiling despite his sullen mood as he slipped into the driver's seat. The atmosphere between them was so tense he could barely breathe, feeling as though he was going to choke on the nauseating feeling clenching his stomach as he started the car.

He flicked the radio on, focusing on the lyrics of the upbeat song on the radio to save himself from his own thoughts.

'Once you came to me and brought to me some chance of happiness. Should I say goodbye to all of this or should I tell you all the rest?'

He roughly snapped the channel over, cursing his own misfortune for such apt lyrics as he settled on a station playing preppy meaningless pop, the music slicing through the air almost inappropriately. The ambience in the car didn't call for such sounds, but Itachi let it stay and attempted to focus on that instead. Deidara said nothing of his actions.

He parked the car at the train station far too soon for his liking, taking the case off of the backseat as Deidara protested lightly.

"I'm capable of carrying it, yeah."

Itachi gave no response and simply clutched it tighter when Deidara tried to take it from him, obstinately heading towards the building looming over them like a dark cloud.

They walked through the crowded train station side by side, Itachi still clenching hold of the case despite Deidara weakly attempting to take it.

"Stop making me look like some kind of girl, yeah. I can carry it!"

Itachi wasn't going to voice his real motive behind doing so- it gave him reason to follow Deidara out to the platform, even though simply saying 'I want to send you off' would have sufficed. Of course, Itachi could never do things the simple way.

They had four minutes to spare by the time they got to the relevant platform, having worked their way through the maze of underground tunnels and neon announcement boards. Itachi finally relinquished his hold on the case and put it to the floor, mentally cursing the noisy clock they had chosen to stand beneath as it ticked down the seconds until the train would be arriving to take away the one person who made him feel alive.

"Hey, smile would you?" Deidara requested lightly, nudging his arm gently. "I'm moving away- I'm not dying."

Itachi gave him a weak smile in return, shrugging awkwardly. "I know," he replied softly, not trusting his voice to speak anything further.

He wasn't a sentimental person by nature but that didn't stop him from feeling utterly wretched about the situation. He wanted nothing more than to simply run away and let Deidara get on the train himself so he wouldn't have to say goodbye, but he stayed- he wasn't going to miss their final minutes for anything.

"Itachi?"

Deidara was gazing at him with suspiciously bright eyes, giving him a taunt smile. Itachi gave him one that was equally strained, clenching his hands tightly in his pockets. He could feel his fingernails digging into his palms but he continued to do it, barely registering that it was painful just like he had done with his keys earlier.

"Thanks for making life fun, yeah?" Deidara finally spoke. "It's going to be different without you around. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for."

Itachi simply nodded, staying mute as he knew it was the only way to keep his perfect mask in place.

"Whoever ends up taking my place is going to be lucky," Deidara continued, glancing up at the sky and folding his arms across his chest.

"No-one could," Itachi finally ventured, feeling quite proud of how steady his voice was. "You're unique."

"If you ever end up in a relationship, you'll tell me won't you?"

Itachi laughed shortly, averting his eyes down the train track. The sound of a horn in the distance had alerted him and he could see the hazy image of the train they were waiting for approaching further down the line.

"It definitely was guys you liked, wasn't it?"

Itachi whipped around to face him, hiding his surprise at the direction of the conversation well. "Yes. I said so yesterday."

"Right. So it is just me you don't like, then?"

Itachi's breath caught in his throat and he risked another glance towards the oncoming train before turning back to Deidara. "What do you mean?" He asked, despite knowing exactly what that meant as it threatened to weaken his ability to stand upright.

Deidara gave him another smile, looking forlorn as he did so. "I may as spell it out for you, yeah? I fell for you. That's why I turned down the scholarship in the first place- because it seemed you liked me too."

Itachi was unable to speak so he simply turned at the sound of the train horn once more, closer this time, turning back with widened eyes as Deidara continued.

"But I got the impression I was wrong when you seemed to ignore all my hints. So I asked you whether I should stay or not- I hoped you'd tell me to stay but you told me I should go, so here I am. I gave you one last chance yesterday to tell me I was wrong, but you didn't."

He laughed slightly, gazing down at the faded white safety line between the track and the platform and putting a foot to it nervously. "I told myself not to bring it up with you because you needed to put me before your need to be perfect, and I'm not perfect am I? I knew you couldn't just accept me, yeah."

"You...?" Itachi finally managed to get out, hearing the electric humming of the train pulling up next to them. He didn't dare look at it, watching as Deidara picked up his case from the floor.

"I know I don't have a mobile but I'll find a way to call when I arrive, yeah," Deidara was saying, but Itachi was barely listening by now. He reached out and grabbed Deidara's arm as the door whooshed open, halting him in place. They were in the way of the people trying to get off but he didn't care- he had precious seconds to make this right.

"I do like you," he said hurriedly. "No- I love you. At least I think I do, because I've never felt anything like the feeling I get with you. I'm the idiot, not you. I was frightened and I told you to go because that's what I thought I should be doing."

He clutched Deidara's arm so tightly he felt he'd need to apologise later for hurting him, but he had no time to do so right then. "I never wanted you to go. I hate every second of this and the last thing I want you to do is step on that train."

He paused to take a breath, exhaling heavily in relief that he'd finally got the words off of his chest as Deidara stared at him with widening eyes.

"And you know what? If swallowing my pride and begging you to stay means being imperfect then here I am. Forgive me, Deidara, and give me a chance."

Deidara stared at him in disbelief, one foot half on the train and one foot still on the platform. "Are you seriously giving me about ten seconds to decide my life?" He asked incredulously.

"Itachi- you- for heaven's sake- talk about timing. It's a risk, yeah. If I don't go they won't give me my place back a third time."

"I know," Itachi told him, desperation lacing his voice. "I know, I'm sorry."

"This is what I hoped you'd finally say," Deidara pointed out slowly, keeping one foot in the train doorway. "But I gave you only one last chance."

"I said I wouldn't get on my knees and beg but if you don't start giving me answers I will," Itachi countered anxiously, all traces of his perfect composure replaced with an agonized, pleading expression that he never thought he'd be capable of wearing.

"On or off," the conductor called from down the line, indicating Deidara's indecisive foot in the door.

"Stay," Itachi pleaded once more. "Deidara- please. Stay."

The few seconds that passed did so far too slowly for Itachi's liking, waiting with baited breath for Deidara to hopefully step back off the train or perhaps to say something positive. He was still standing with one foot on and one foot off much to the conductor's chagrin, looking contemplative.

"Are you getting on or off?" The conductor called again impatiently.

"We can never do things simply, can we?" Deidara sighed finally, stepping fully onto the train much to Itachi's dismay.

"I'll call or come back or something, yeah. I'll be in contact- just give me some time to think. You need some time to think, too."

Itachi quickly stepped one foot up onto the train, earning a yell of annoyance from the conductor as he stayed that way. "If you decide not to stay...?"

The incomplete sentence hung in the air for a few moments before Deidara voiced it, looking down at the floor.

"Then this is goodbye, yeah."

Itachi hesitated, his chest tight and his breathing arduous- he pushed it aside and grabbed hold of one of Deidara's hands gently.

"Thank you for being you," he replied softly, tracing his knuckles with a gentle thumb. "And thank you for helping me become me."

"I didn't know you could be so sentimental, yeah," Deidara remarked, dropping his case and grabbing Itachi in a tight hug that almost winded him. "Stop thanking me."

"Can you decide before I throw you off the train myself?!" The irate conductor called, striding up to them as they broke apart. "Come on, you're holding everyone up."

Itachi held a hand up to him to signify they would be a minute, pulling Deidara's hand down when he attempted to hold a hand up in a much ruder manner.

"If you stay, I hope you do well and you enjoy it," Itachi told him, keeping hold of the hand tightly as though he was afraid to let it go- which really, he was. He felt like he had just gained something in the last minute and he was unwilling to let go of it so soon.

He did however, stepping back onto the platform completely to allow the door to finally close between them with a soft whoosh. He locked eyes with Deidara through the glass, raising one hand in the air as the train began to move away and waving it just slightly.

It was as much of a goodbye as he was willing to give, seeing it returned by Deidara before the train pulled out of the station.

Itachi watched it until it was out of sight, feeling like a mess as he attempted to shuffle his thoughts into something coherent.

The only thing he could muster was 'Deidara is gone' before he gave up and pushed his hands into his pockets, keeping his eyes to the floor as he made his way out of the train station.

Once he was seated in his car he stared at the steering wheel numbly for a moment before deciding college could go to hell, pulling out his mobile phone.

"Sasuke?" He spoke as it connected. His voice was weaker than he wanted it to be- a fact that didn't go unnoticed by his sibling.

"He left?"

"He did."

"You let him?"

Itachi closed his eyes, exhaling wearily. "Please spare me the lecture."

"I'll be right over."

Sasuke hung up, leaving Itachi to spend another temporary moment remembering how to drive before he managed to pull the car out of the car park and set himself on his way back.

Sasuke would likely get there before he did, but that was alright with him- in fact, he preferred that idea. He didn't fancy the idea of walking back inside his once-shared home alone.

Sasuke was indeed waiting on his doorstep, pulling himself to a stand when Itachi pushed open the front gate and made his way up to him. If he was upset that Itachi hadn't been home he said nothing, waiting patiently for his brother to open the door and let them inside.

"Why did you let him go?" Sasuke asked the moment the front door was closed behind them. "You're such an idiot!"

"I'm aware," Itachi murmured, brushing past him and into the living room. He sat on the sofa and curled his knees up to his side, not even glancing at Sasuke as he knelt down on the floor in front of him instead of sitting beside him.

"Did you tell him?"

"Yes."

Sasuke's face darkened. "He still left? Do I need to chase him down and rip his throat out?"

"It's my fault," Itachi countered, shaking his head. "He gave me plenty of chances and I didn't take them. He said he'll be in contact but he needs time to think."

"What's to think about? He either likes you or he doesn't."

"He said he did."

Sasuke looked momentarily confused. "If he did, then what's to think about?"

"Life isn't always black and white, Sasuke," Itachi pointed out, remembering Deidara had said the same thing to him only a few days before.

"It's shades of grey. He's wanted to go to that college forever and he convinced himself it was the right thing, and I gave him about ten seconds to decide otherwise. I don't blame him for needing time and space."

Sasuke still looked annoyed, but it soon settled into uneasiness as he eyed his brother carefully. "And how do you feel about that?"

Itachi thought that through for a moment. How did he feel? He had been deliberately blocking his mind from thinking too deeply about it but he was unwilling to lift that seal right then, if ever.

"Do I have a right to feel anything other than regret?" He finally answered. Sasuke looked contemplative, finally nodding in agreement.

"I understand that, but you should feel pretty stupid too."

"Thank you Sasuke," Itachi breathed, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

He loved Sasuke for so many reasons, but his ability to be blunt and speak the truth even if painful was the main thing he had been hoping for when he had called. "That's just what I needed to hear."

"I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

"Neither can I."

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably on the floor, unsure what to say or do.

"So why am I here?" He ventured after a moment. "What can I do?"

"Just be yourself."

"Is that wise? I can be a jerk, you know that."

Itachi glanced down at him, giving him a tiny smile. "You're not, Sasuke."

Sasuke eyed him for a another moment before getting up, sitting on the edge of the sofa next to Itachi and grabbing him tightly in a firm embrace.

"You moron," he sighed, feeling Itachi tremble beneath his touch. "Why can't you just let yourself be happy, huh? Why do you have to fight it so hard? I knew he liked you, I told you that when you decided getting wrecked was easier than just opening your stupid perfect mouth and talking to him."

Itachi simply buried his head in Sasuke's shoulder as he ranted, allowing himself to take the much needed comfort that he normally would have pushed away. He was the elder brother, after all- he was to give, not take, such acts.

"You're so fucking stupid," Sasuke concluded, sounding pained. "Itachi, I don't even know what to say anymore. You deserve to be happy."

"I think I want to go back to bed."

"That might be a good idea. Do you want me to stick around?"

Itachi pulled free of the hug, shaking his head as he did so and averting his eyes to the floor. He was so tired and drained- besides, if he slept, it would make Deidara appear quicker, surely? Hopefully?

"Get some rest. How about I make cinnamon cake before I go?"

The very idea of cinnamon cake completely broke whatever hold Itachi had left on his composure, forcing him up and out of the room in seconds. He blindly pushed his bedroom door open and fell messily onto the bed, burying his face in his pillow and trying to block the invading, lonely thoughts as he tried in vain to still the tears that demanded to fall.

"You're being pathetic," Sasuke told him from the doorway, but his voice wasn't malicious.

"I know."

"You're not a teenage girl or Naruto. Stop moping and go to sleep."

"I intend to."

"No you don't. You intend to cry into the pillow and bitch about what a terrible decision you made. I'm not going to let that happen."

Itachi wasn't expecting sympathy and nor did he want it, forcing himself to pull his head up and swallow shakily a few times before meeting his brother's determined eye.

"Besides," Sasuke continued when he had Itachi's attention. "He's a jackass. He doesn't deserve you moping about after him anyway."

"He isn't. You're just jealous he stole away some of my attention."

Sasuke faltered just slightly before heading into the room and sitting on the edge of the bed, putting a hand out to Itachi's shoulder. "Go to sleep," he suggested kindly. "I'll stay here until you do."

"You needn't."

"You don't want to be alone. You don't have to say it, it's radiating off you."

"I'd rather you left me alone if all you're going to do is insult me."

Sasuke laughed at that, letting his hand drop down to the bedspread. "I speak the truth. You wouldn't want me to sugar coat things for you."

"Of course not. Can I be honest with you for a moment, then?"

Sasuke nodded, looking a little confused as Itachi turned his gaze away, sighing heavily as he did so.

"I'm not perfect," he admitted, and Sasuke almost winced at how strained his brother's voice sounded with doing so.

"I'm not perfect," he repeated, stronger. "And I am human. I want you to get off of the bed, sit on the floor next to me so I can't see you and pretend I'm going straight to sleep, okay?"

"Okay," Sasuke agreed, slinking off of the bed onto the floor as asked. "And what are you actually going to do?"

"I think I love him," Itachi replied softly, closing his eyes to the wave of regret that washed over him as he spoke. "And he isn't here anymore. He might not come back. I'm going to allow myself a little pity, alright?"

"Do I have to agree?"

"No. We rarely agree, do we?"

"I suppose that's what brothers do, right?"

"Maybe. We're unique, you and I. Goodnight, Sasuke."

"It isn't night, but sleep well."

A tiny smile curved the corner of Itachi's lips, contrasting the tears in his eyes. "You're pedantic."

He buried his face back in his pillow, reining back the wrenching sobs that wanted to envelope him to muffled, softer cries instead. It didn't lessen the feeling of loss for his inaction any, wishing he could rip the need to be perfect from his body and fill the void it left with Deidara.

He immersed himself in the single moment of pity, telling himself he would not allow another whichever way the whole debacle ended. The only tears that would grace his pillow when he was done shedding the current ones would be born of happiness- not sadness, guilt or regret.

He was through with such useless emotion, but right then it was all he had- the bitter tears of left over memories, smothered into the pillow much like he had smothered his own feelings on the matter in an attempt to pretend he wasn't human.

A hand snaked up the side of his bed and gently clutched his arm in consolation, making him jump. He had truly thought he was alone for a moment, his lips twisting bitterly as he realised he truly was a master of false perceptions.

"I'm going to maim him for making you cry," Sasuke's oddly tight voice floated up to him.

"I'm asleep, Sasuke," Itachi answered, his voice weak and shaky.

"Of course you are," Sasuke replied bitterly, withdrawing his hand. "Silly me."

Chapter End