Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of Life�s Problems ❯ Chapter 2

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Alcohol: The Cause and Solution of Lifeƒs Problems

By Lord Raa

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Disclaim-me-do: It's a trap!

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Part Two

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Shinji sat quietly in his classroom, content in letting the lesson carry on without him. Touji and Kensuke had tried to instant message him, but his response of “not now” had allowed their imaginations to start working on possibilities for his even more distant behaviour.

Their suggestions ranged from problems at NERV to Misato punishing him after he tried to get them some of the lavender haired goddess's underwear.

Deciding that the latter was the case, the Stooges left their martyr to himself.

Asuka and the other students ignored the melancholy pilot, which was fine by him as it allowed the young Ikari to turn his attention outside.

The bell rang, announcing the end of the school day, much to the relief of the students.

“You finished moping, Shinji?” Asuka asked her roommate. “Or do you want to come last in the sync tests?”

“Coming, Asuka,” the Third Child sighed.

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At NERV, Misato was observing the sync tests. She'd hoped that she'd have a chance to speak with Shinji before the start, but thanks to Maya's innocuous and legitimate questions as to his wellbeing, there wasn't time.

Ritsuko frowned as she looked at the figures. “Shinji, are you alright? Your score is down a few points from the last test.”

“¬I'm ok, Dr. Akagi, it's just that I've been a bit distracted today.¬”

“You're not concentrating enough, Shinji. Asuka and Rei don't have any problems today,” the bottle blonde said, hoping to goad the reluctant pilot into improving.

“Tell you what, Shinji, if you can raise you score by three points and keep it there, I'll do something nice for you,” Misato offered with an ambiguous tone.

“Like what, Misato?” Ritsuko asked. “You're not planning anything morally dubious, are you?”

“¬Ok, Misato-san, I'll try harder.¬”

The two college friends could almost hear Shinji blushing over the intercom and smiled at each other.

“I tell you what, Shinji, if you can improve, then you can go on a date with Misato,” the scientist offered with a grin.

“Ritsuko!” Misato hissed. “What do you think you're doing?”

Switching off the intercom, the bottle blonde faced her old friend. “I'm seeing how much Shinji likes you, Misato.”

“By pimping me out to him?” the purple haired woman asked indignantly. “Just what are you up to, Ritsuko?”

“Misato, I'm not going to help you or hinder you if you want a deeper relationship with Shinji, but I don't want you to use him for a one night stand. He's under enough emotional stress as it is without him being used for cheap thrills.”

“I wasn't planning on that!” Misato insisted. “I just wanted to see if I could motivate him. I am planning on doing something nice for him, you know.”

“Good thing, too,” the Ritsuko smirked. She surreptitiously switched the comm. system back on. “Shinji's score has gone up 4 points from his previous score and is steady. Where are you going on your date?”

“We are not going on a date just because you decided to offer me as a prize, Ritsuko!” the tactical officer growled.

“¬But you are going to uphold your end of the bargain, aren't you?¬” Shinji asked in a hurt tone, his question caused the two older women to pause.

“What? Of course I am, Shinji! It'll be the best date you ever went on!” Misato declared.

“Well then, that's settled,” Ritsuko smiled. She opened the line to the other test chambers. “Shinji, Asuka, Rei, we're done here. You're free to go and do what ever you want for the rest of the day. Within reason, that is. I don't want to hear about you going for a joyride.”

The pilots acknowledged the scientist's words and left to wash the LCL off.

“What are you up to, Ritsuko?” the purple haired lovely asked. “I mean, you practically forced me into this date with Shinji-kun. Why?”

The faux blonde reached for her cigarettes and lit one up. “You're right, I shouldn't have done that.”

“But you did. Why?”

“Because,” Ritsuko exhaled a plume of smoke, “if I hadn't, Shinji wouldn't have done anything and you'd be feeling like a predator if you were the one that always made the first move. You might be shameless, but you're not that kind of woman, Misato.”

“Thanks,” Misato smiled sarcastically. “Anything else you want to do for me while I'm here? Maybe you think I should have my apartment redecorated and you're trying to get us all out of there so some TV makeover show can fill it with tacky colours and uncomfortable furniture?”

“No, I'm having your apartment searched for illegal pornography. Someone's been accessing test data.”

Misato frowned until she saw her friend's stern façade crack. “You had me there, Ritsuko.”

“Hook, line and sinker,” the bottle blonde laughed.

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As the freshly showered Shinji and Asuka made their way from the locker rooms to the exit, they met up with Misato.

“Ah, there you are, Shinji. I wanted to talk with you,” the purple haired woman smiled. “It's about tonight.”

“T-tonight?” Shinji parroted.

“Yes, you remember your prize for you improvement today, don't you?”

“What prize is this?” Asuka demanded. “Why should he get one? I'm the best pilot, you know.”

“Because Shinji raised his score by four points today,” the captain replied. “He's the most improved of you three.”

“But my score is still the best, so why don't I get a prize?” the redhead asked with her hands on her hips.

“And what do you want for a prize, Asuka?” Misato asked, already having an idea.

“A date with Kaji, of course!” the Second Child beamed, causing her roommates to roll their eyes.

“Speak of the devil,” Misato muttered angrily as she saw her former lover appear.

“Hello there, Misato-chan!” the unshaven man greeted warmly.

“What do you want, Kaji?”

“To see you, of course, Misato-chan,” the spy answered with a flirtatious grin. “Hey why don't we go on a double date?”

“I don't see why not,” Asuka smiled at the object of her affection. `I'll dump Shinji and Misato to be alone with Kaji!'

Her thoughts were along the same lines as that of both Kaji and Misato, though for different reasons.

“Ok, but you're paying for the karaoke, Kaji,” the purple haired beauty ordered.

“Yes, ma'am,” the long haired man mock saluted.

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The quartet sat in the small karaoke room deciding on who should go first and sing what song. Asuka wanted to go first, naturally, and impress Kaji.

Unfortunately for the redhead's plan, the unshaven man was busy staring at Misato's breasts.

The purple haired woman soon realised what Kaji was paying attention to and sighed. “Ok, Asuka, what did you want to sing first?”

The teenaged girl flicked through the catalogue past the syrupy love songs that were popular with teenagers. “There's nothing here that seems right. Is this really what people like to sing along to?”

“If you want, we can try something from the `Classics Selection',” Misato offered. “You think you can sing along to something older than you are?”

“Of course,” Asuka preened. “I'll have you know that the music teachers in college thought my singing voice was great.”

The Second Child made her choice and started to sing along to some pre-Impact Japanese rock. Her vocal talents were applauded when she finished “Blurry Eyes” by L'arc~en~ciel.

“Very nice, Asuka,” Kaji praised, much to the delight of the redhead.

“My turn. This one's for you, Kaji,” Misato declared. She had already selected her tune and did a few face stretching exercises as she counted along in time.

Three and a half minutes later, and Misato had completed her rendition of The Kaiser Chiefs' “Everyday I love Less and Less”, and although Shinji wasn't too sure what his guardian had been singing about, he applauded.

Asuka turned away to hide her grin, as her knowledge of the English language was far superior to her roommate's.

“You wound me, Misato-chan!” the long haired man clutched at his heart.

“Yeah, well, perhaps if you weren't such a skirt-chaser,” the purple haired soldier shrugged. “But anyway, it's your turn, Kaji.”

The unshaven man realised that he needed to pull off something spectacular if he wanted to patch things up with Misato. “Ok. Let's see how you like this.”

The spy wet his whistle and began his slightly off-key version of The Yellow Monkey's “Tactics,” with much emphasis on the parts where he announced his need for Misato's love.

“Meh,” the voluptuous woman shrugged, though there was a smile on her face that gave Kaji a glimmer of hope. “You're up, Shinji. What are you going to sing?”

“I haven't decided, yet Misato-san,” the introverted pilot replied.

“Baka,” Asuka rolled her eyes, “you've had longer than any of us to choose.”

“But I don't know many of these songs,” Shinji protested. “What's a good one, Misato-san?”

“How's your English pronunciation?” the lavender haired alcoholic asked. “I know: this one will do nicely!”

The young Ikari looked at the selected track. “Are you sure Misato-san? I mean, I don't know much English.”

“Yeah, but this is about having fun, Shinji. And if you can't laugh at yourself, what right do you have to laugh at anyone else?” the redhead asked rhetorically as she sipped her drink.

“That is a valid point, Asuka,” Misato nodded, “even if Shinji-kun doesn't laugh at people. Go on, Shinji, either make us proud or make us laugh.”

Seeing as there was no other way about it, the Third Child took his place at the screen and started to sing along in bad, broken English to a song that was released before even his mother was born.

“Sorry about that,” he said in apology after he finished his interpretation of Queen's “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy”, a song that he would never have picked.

Asuka held her face in shame at the terrible pronunciation her fellow pilot had displayed. “Baka! Don't you even pay attention in class? You're rubbish. Besides, do you know the meaning to even half of those lyrics?”

“N-no,” Shinji answered with a blush. He had a nasty feeling that the redhead was going to tell him that Misato had deliberately chosen a song with suggestive lyrics.

“`I learned my passion in the good old fashioned school of lover boys',” the half German girl quoted in English before translating into Japanese. “You do know that he just about admitted to attending a school for manwhores, don't you?”

“M-misato-san!” the young Ikari shouted, blushing furiously. “How could you do that to me?”

The purple haired woman made no attempt to hide her amusement at the situation.

“It's not funny, Misato-san!” Shinji insisted.

“Yes it is,” the captain laughed loudly.

“You're picking on me!”

“Misato-chan, you are being mean to Shinji,” Kaji agreed. “What kind of woman are you, to keep picking on Shinji. I know that he does the chores in you apartment, what is he, your bitch?”

Misato stopped laughing. “No. you make it sound like I make him wear a gimp mask and tiny leather shorts while he cleans up the apartment!”

Asuka giggled at the mental image of the “Invincible Shinji Ikari, Angel Slayer Extraordinaire” as Captain Katsuragi's bitch, complete with fetish gear.

“Hey, it's not like that,” the tactical officer protested. “Shinji looks after me because he's a nice guy, not because I threatened to make sure he's 15IBRC certified.”

“`15IBRC certified'?” her fellow singers echoed.

“Yes, you remember that course, don't you Kaji?” Misato asked with a smirk. “I can give you a refresher if you want…”

The spy froze. “Y-you're joking. Right?”

Asuka blinked at the exchange before her. `I've never seen Kaji like this. What did she do to him?' She faced her female roommate. “What's 15IBRC stand for and what does the certification for it entail?”

The long haired man made shushing gestures at his former lover.

“I'm not sure that you're old enough for that knowledge, Asuka-chan,” the curvaceous woman said in a slightly patronising tone.

The redhead frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Just something that happened in the past, Asuka. Nothing to worry your pretty head about,” Kaji interjected in an uneven tone.

Even Shinji picked up on the fact that the unshaven man was unsettled by Misato's comments. “I think that our time is up, Misato-san.”

“What already? Damn, oh well. Come on, I think it's time for something to eat,” the purple haired woman decided.

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The foursome entered a nearby ramen bar. Shinji was silent, as he was still embarrassed by the comments from his friends.

“Oh, stop being such a big girl's blouse, Shinji,” Asuka scolded.

“You really should deal with the fact that people think you're cute, Shin-chan,” Misato sighed.

“But did you have to say that you wanted to know if there was a `good old-fashioned school of lover boys that I could enrol in'?” Shinji asked as he took his place at the counter. “Especially when we were near those girls from my class?”

“What's up, Shinji, don't you want to know how to make a lady happy?”

“Have you been drinking while we weren't looking, Misato?” Asuka asked as she sat down.

“No, I don't think so,” the purple haired woman shrugged. “Unless someone spiked my drink,” she added looking at her former lover.

“Are you trying to completely destroy my reputation?” Kaji asked.

“No,” Misato shook her head. “What shall we order, since this is on Kaji tonight?”

“Hey,” the unshaven man protested. “I only agreed to pay for karaoke, not dinner for all of you as well.”

“Well then you and Shinji should split the bill. Or is chivalry completely dead?”

The spy rolled his eyes, but it was Shinji who pulled out his wallet. “How much for four bowels of ramen?”

“Two thousand, three hundred yen, including tax,” the man behind the counter answered with a smile.

“Ok, what flavour would you like?” the young Ikari asked his friends.

“Beef.”

“Spicy beef.”

“Seafood.”

“And I'll have chicken, please,” Shinji added as he pulled out the money.

“Hey, Shinji, can I have a beer, too?” Misato asked with hopeful look in her eyes.

“Does anyone else want a drink,” the Third Child asked with a sigh.

“Peach soda,” the redhead answered.

“I'll have a beer, too, Shinji-kun,” Kaji replied, making the shy pilot sigh.

“I'll have a grapefruit soda as well, please.”

“That's an extra 2000 yen please,” said the man behind the counter to Shinji.

The young Ikari sighed as he handed the money over. It seemed that it was yet again his turn to be taken advantage of.

“Why don't you sit next to me, Shinji?” Misato asked with a smile as she gestured at the table nearest to her.

The meal was eaten with the expected amount of small talk and things continued with the veneer of civility and for a while and everyone was at least content. At least until the moment the Third Child felt something brush up against his shin.

Shinji blinked, but assumed that someone was just attempting to get comfortable.

That's when it happened again, this time he realised it was moving up against his leg, towards his knee.

“Did anyone just feel something?” the male pilot asked his friends.

Kaji blanched as realisation dawned upon him - he'd been playing footsie with the young man.

Misato saw the look on her former lover's face and sipped her beer to hide her smirk. “It seems someone's interested in you, Shin-chan.”

“What?” Asuka asked in disbelief. “Who'd want a dullard like him?”

“I don't know, someone was playing footsie with him under the table. I wasn't me, and if it wasn't you it only leaves one person. What do you think, Kaji?”

“What? Damn you baka hentai Shinji! How dare you try to seduce Kaji from me! I thought that it was bad enough with Misato's sagging milk udders catching his eye every five minutes!” the redhead screeched.

“I'm not interested in Kaji!” Shinji protested. “And Misato-san's not sagging!”

The young Ikari blushed as he realised what he'd just said.

“So you have seen Misato-san naked?” a voice sounded from behind the quartet. “And I thought you were our friend, Ikari.”

Shinji turned to see Kensuke and Touji standing there looking miffed that their friend had “scored” with their lavender haired goddess and not told them all the juicy details.

“Great, all the Stooges are here now,” Asuka muttered angrily in a voice that was loud enough for everyone that Shinji knew to hear.

“Great, her Highness, the Queen of Hell is here too,” Touji grumbled in a similarly loud tone.

The two nemeses glared daggers at each other.

“What brings you here, Kensuke?” the pilot with domestic skills asked, hoping to defuse the situation.

“We're just hanging out,” the bespectacled teenager answered. “So you on a date with Misato-san or what?”

Misato decided to have some fun. “Of course. And Shinji-kun's been the perfect gentleman. You'd do well to learn from his example on how to treat a lady.”

“Lady?” Asuka snorted in derision.

“I'm not the one throwing themselves at a pervert, Asuka,” the purple haired woman countered in a snooty tone.

“I'm not a pervert!” Kaji protested.

“Then what do you call playing footsie with a teenaged boy?” the tactical officer asked with teasing smirk.

“And what games are you playing with Shinji?” the unshaven man replied. “It sounds like you're having all sorts of fun yourself, Misato-chan.”

Misato placed an arm around her male roommate's shoulders. “That's none of your business, Kaji, especially since we're going to play poker later.”

“Strip poker?” Touji asked, his mind already arriving at the most perverted outcome.

“What can I say? All shall be revealed in good time,” the voluptuous woman winked saucily as she embraced Shinji.

“Dude! That's so unfair!” Touji protested. “You get so many cool perks!”

“Now I have to be a pilot!” Kensuke squealed in a fanboy-esque fashion.

“Like even Misato would let a pair of losers like you two near her,” Asuka snorted.

The tracksuit clad stooge bristled and was about to make a scathing retort when Misato agreed with his nemesis.

“I'd rather catch something off a manwhore like Kaji than someone like either of those two,” the purple haired woman said, much to the annoyance of three of Shinji's friends. “But there is someone I know that I wouldn't mind spending more time with.”

Shinji blushed as Misato held him close enough to press her breasts against his chest.

“Shinji's a gentleman,” Misato smiled broadly. “I can trust him.”

“Yeah, well if he's so great, why don't you just declare your love for him and move him into your room?” the redhead asked with a bored tone.

“That's a great idea, Asuka,” the tactical officer mused. “Shinji, why don't we start dating?”

“I-if you want to, Misato-san,” the male pilot stammered.

“Well, since that's decided, let's go out for a drink or two?”

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Several hours later, Shinji and Misato were making their way back to the apartment with the purple haired woman inebriated to the point her she needed the pilot to help her get home.

“Sssshinji, why are you so nice to me?” the drunkard asked, nuzzling against her roommate's neck. “Are you hoping that I'll put in a good word with one of the girls at NERV so you can get some action?”

“Misato-san!” the young Ikari protested. “You're embarrassing me!”

“But why else would y-?” the NERV officer started to ask, but she slipped and fell against her friend, who managed to prevent her from falling into the gutter.

“Misato-san, are you all right?” Shinji asked as he helped the drunkard to her feet.

“I think s- Ah! My ankle!” Misato gasped when she tried to regain her footing.

“Lean on me, Misato-san,” the pilot reassured as best he could as he struggled with the drunken woman's swaying. “I'll get us home.”

“You're a wonderful human being, Shinji,” the purple haired woman slurred as she wrapped her arms around the nicest person she knew. “And you smell nice, too.”

Shinji blushed as Misato fell asleep leaning up against him. The blue-eyed youth did his best to get the pair of them home. After a while, he was out of breath and flagged down a taxi after checking his wallet.

Thankfully, his guardian had paid for most of her drinks, leaving him with just enough to get them to the apartment building.

After thanking the taxi driver, the Third Child hefted his unconscious friend into the apartment just in time for Misato to wake up.

“Wha? What's going on, Shin-chan?” the drunk asked, her eyes glazed.

“We're back home, Misato-san, and it's time for bed.”

“Already? But I wanted to have some more fun,” the purple haired woman said in what was an attempt at a seductive tone.

“Misato-san, we don't have time for that sort of thing - it's getting late and I've got school in the morning,” Shinji reminded Misato.

“I suppose so,” Misato sighed. “Maybe tomorrow, ok?”

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Again, Shinji Ikari helped his friend to her bed without molesting the inebriated beauty.

The pilot started to quietly make his way out of the room when an arm snaked out and stopped him in his tracks.

“Please don't leave me, Shin-chan,” Misato murmured softly. “I'm lonely.”

“But Misato-san…”

“But nothing, Shin-chan,” the purple haired woman admonished as she lifted her head. Her face softened as she added, “I just want you to hold me for a while.”

“But what if Asuka comes home and sees us?” the pilot asked, checking over his shoulder for the redhead. “She's out with Kaji-san and could be back any minute now.”

“Just hold me until they come back, please?”

Sighing in defeat, the young Ikari climbed onto Misato's bed next to the half-naked woman. “Good night, Misato-san.”

“G'night, Shinji-chan,” the drunkard mumbled as she clumsily embraced her friend.

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Misato woke up feeling like a billion yen. She looked across her pillow to see Shinji lying there, with a troubled look on his face.

Leaning over, she gave the young man a kiss on the cheek. “Morning, Shin-chan.”

“Morning, Misato-san,” the pilot replied in a hollow tone. “Dr. Akagi just called to say that she wanted us to go in for a sync test.”

“Boo,” the purple haired woman grumbled. “I wanted to do something fun today.”

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After a light breakfast, the pair drove silently into NERV for their appointment with Ritsuko and an unscheduled test.

After the test, the Chief Scientist of Project E summoned her friend into her office.

“What's up, Ritsuko?” the Captain asked with a smile.

“Shinji's test results. Something happened to lower his score. What happened at your apartment?” the bottle blonde asked in an accusing tone.

“Nothing, why?” Misato asked, hurt at the insinuation.

“Well, I spoke with Shinji and it seems that you made him spend the night in your bed. Anything to say in your defence, Misato?” Ritsuko asked as she rose up from her seat.

“What? What's that got to do with anything?”

“You need to be punished for your paedophilia, Captain Katsuragi. And the punishment for molesting such a sweet, innocent boy is a spanking!” the scientist declared as she pulled out a 15 inch black rubber cock. “Assume the position!”

“Wait! Nothing happened! I swear it!” Misato protested.

“A likely story,” the faux blonde replied sarcastically. “Now, bend over my desk so I can punish you for forcing yourself on Shinji-kun!”

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Misato's eyes shot open.

“Damn. That was a weird dream,” she mused as she glanced at her alarm clock. “5.30, damn, I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep.”

The purple haired alcoholic looked down when she felt something in her bed.

“Shinji? Is that you?”

The body stirred. “Can I go to my own bed now, Misato-san?” the pilot asked in a tired voice. “I can't sleep with your hands touching me like that.”

Captain Katsuragi looked where her hands has roamed during the course of the night.

“Oh, now that IS awkward. I'm so sorry, Shinji, I didn't mean to do that to you, it's just that I get lonely, you know, and I wanted some company and you're so nice to me,” the panicking woman babbled, though still her hands remained touching the pilot's stiff cock.

“It's ok, Misato-san, I just need to get some sleep before I go to school,” Shinji said the most reassuring tone he could muster.

As the pilot exited the bed, Misato could see the effects of her wandering hands and blushed despite herself.

The purple haired beer drinker rolled onto her back and sighed when her charge had left for his own room. “That could have gone better. I need to talk to Ritsuko.”

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In Ritsuko Akagi's apartment, her phone started to ring incessantly. After thirty seconds of ringing, the bottle blonde managed to reach the infernal noisemaker.

“Dr. Akagi speaking. This better be important.”

“¬Ritsuko, it's Misato. I need to talk to you.¬”

“Misato, if this isn't to tell me that Shinji and/or Asuka are sick or injured, I'm hanging up,” the scientist warned. “You have ten seconds to convince me that I shouldn't hang up on you.”

“¬I screwed up with Shinji,¬” the voice at the other end on the line winced.

“Eight seconds, Misato.”

“¬I kind of molested Shinji in my sleep…¬”

“If this is a joke Misato, it's not funny.

“¬I'm serious!¬” Misato insisted.

“Ok, what happened?”

“¬After our double date with Kaji and Asuka, I went bar-hopping with Shinji. When we got home, I asked him to hold me, and while I was sleeping, I kinda interfered with him,¬” Misato sighed.

“You `kinda interfered with him'?” Ritsuko repeated. “Misato, do you have any idea how much psychological damage you're doing to Shinji-kun?”

“¬It's not like I'm hideous, Ritsuko!¬”

“No, you're not, Misato,” the bottle blonde agreed. “But do you remember what I said about him needing to make a move or two?”

“¬Yes,¬” the purple haired woman rolled her eyes.

“Good,” said the scientist. “While I'm sure he enjoyed the view you gave him when he caught you masturbating, your groping of him was not a good idea. Accidental or not.”

“¬But what do I do now?¬” Misato asked with a hint of frustration. “¬How do I tell him that I like him and I don't want to hurt him?¬”

Ritsuko sighed. “Tell Shinji to take the day off school and spend the day talking to the poor lad. Ask him what he wants and work something out between the pair of you. You got that?”

“¬Yeah, thanks, Ritsuko.¬”

“Don't thank me yet, I WILL call this favour in. With interest,” the bottle blonde warned. “And make sure you tell Shinji that you care about him and that you don't want to hurt him.”

“¬Yes, Mother,¬” Misato added sarcastically.

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To be continued…

Well, this was pre-read by Chi Vayne, as per the norm.

Yes, I realise that using the Kaiser Chiefs for the karaoke scene could be considered something of an anachronism/mistake, but hey, I like them. If you're not happy about me plugging artists and songs I like, then write your own fic with karaoke scenes.

Any questions from those I managed to trick into reading this rubbish?