Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ All That I Am ❯ Thirteenth Refrain ( Chapter 13 )

Evangelion Fanfiction

By Otaku D-Man

Standard Disclaimer.

Refer to the First Refrain

Author's Pre-Rant -

This won't be a very pretty chapter. In more ways than one. (Grammar, spelling, content etc.) Unfortunately it is more or less a sign of things to come. But I'm sure that any of you who have lived even a little know that life and love are often difficult.

All That I Am

Thirteenth Refrain - Broken Dreams

NERV Detainment Cells

Anger. Wrath. Fury.

Unbridled. Unrestrained. Mounting.

Simple words that could barely manage to describe the maelstrom that was Gendou Ikari. Striding along the corridors of NERV, the rage slowly building with each step taken, Gendou slowly replayed the day's events over and over. Each time, he felt his control waver just a little more. Had he not been as capable of masking and suppressing his emotions as he was, the armoured plating covering the reinforced walls would have buckled and melted under his furious gaze.

The two security personnel flanking his sides wisely kept quiet. Even without the visible signs, they could both feel the palpable aura of menace that shrouded the grim individual between them.

Stopping outside one of the many detention cells, Gendou paused momentarily, unwilling to relinquish his firm hold over his composure. At least for now. "Wait outside and prevent anyone else from entering. I will speak to the prisoner alone. You will ignore everything that takes place. Understood?" The statement carried an obvious 'or else' that could not be misconstrued as a threat.

The two guards snapped to attention, somewhat relieved that they were not the targets of his sinister intentions. "Sir!" The one nearest the door swiped his security card, allowing Gendou access to the individual inside.

***

The LCL had long since dried, matting his fine brown hair into ugly clumps. The plug suit, still encrusted with the yellow/orange goo, felt uncomfortable against his skin, but without access to a shower and a change of clothes, it was better than nothing, but only marginally.

Shinji Ikari had lost track of time, sitting in the darkened room. After being forcibly dragged from Unit 01, he had been summarily thrown into a detainment cell to wait. The metallic bench fitted to the wall was too uncomfortable to use as a bed even for someone with as slight a build as he had, so he sat and patiently waited. He knew he wouldn't be left here to rot. After all, his actions during the aftermath of the battle against Unit 03 or the Thirteenth Angel as it had been designated by NERV practically guaranteed it. He was confidant that no one had ever threatened his father as he had. So it would only be a matter of time before he was most likely hauled before the Commander to explain his actions.

"I wish I at least had my SDAT." He remarked to himself. The small tape player had seen him through many turbulent and unpleasant moments in his life. His life had not exactly been filled with many moments of joy, the last few weeks excepted, but through it all the underlying sense of pain and sorrow had remained, simmering just below the surface.

It didn't matter any more. His mind was made up. He would quit NERV and leave Tokyo-3 for good. Shinji only hoped he could convince Rei to come with him, to leave NERV, to leave his father and everything else behind and start afresh somewhere else.

The door suddenly hissed open, illuminating the small, dark cell. "Father, what do y-" Shinji's shock at the appearance of his father was quickly replaced by pain. The backhanded blow that struck his jaw sent him staggering into the adjacent cell wall and before he had even recovered his senses, Shinji found himself dragged upright by his hair, followed by a closed fist delivered straight to his abdomen that drove the breath from his body.

Then the beating began in earnest.

At some point, Shinji's mind registered that his father was actually speaking to him amidst the flurry of fists he was receiving. Speaking in the low, abrasive tone that he had come to associate with the man that he one day hoped to reconcile with. The possibility of such reconciliation was looking decidedly remote at the moment.

Gendou had long ago admitted to himself that he was ill-equipped to play the part of the single parent, dutifully raising his child until the day came when the boy could stand proudly on his own two feet and proclaim himself a man. Losing Yui had nearly destroyed him and in a very real sense, the man once known as Gendou Ikari had perished that fateful day as well, leaving behind what would eventually become Commander Ikari.

It was the Commander that had abandoned the boy, intent on protecting what little remained of the man known as Gendou Ikari, at least until the day he could reunite with Yui. But it was Gendou Ikari that now delivered blow after vicious blow, striking the person that had dared oppose him, dared to attempt the self-destruction of his precious Unit 01, the vessel that contained the soul of his beloved Yui.

"Useless child. You truly believed that Rei cared for you?" Gendou knew the rhetorical question would capture the Third Children's attention more so than the punches ever would. "Ignorant fool. Everything that has transpired has been at my direction. I only required you to Pilot, nothing more. To ensure you would do so, I encouraged Rei to play the part of the affectionate lover." Gendou felt the bile rising in his throat. The mere mention of the farcical relationship only served to fuel his insane rage. "Providing you with the necessary impetus to perform your duty and further serve my plan."

Gendou's blood soaked gloves continued to reign down upon the now barely conscious body of his son, allowing no respite, offering no mercy. "But no more. With the successful activation and implementation of the Dummy Plug System, I need not condone your petulant behaviour or your childish antics any further." With his breath ragged from the intense physical exertion, Gendou released his grip on Shinji, allowing the limp body to slump to the hard concrete floor. "Be thankful Third Children. I could simply have you executed for your treasonous actions. Instead I will release you from your obligation here. You can leave, never to return." Within the dark recesses of his subconscious, Gendou felt relieved that the boy would no longer be here. His presence was a constant reminder of all he had lost.

Straightening his jacket, Gendou glanced in mild irritation at his once perfectly white gloves, now dark with blood. "Rei will be overjoyed to know she is no longer required to pretend that she enjoys your company. You cannot comprehend how much it repulsed her to have to be at your side, enduring your foul touch." Standing inside the doorway, Gendou's head shifted to the side, allowing him to watch his son out of the corner of his eye. "Goodbye Third Children. I do not expect we will meet again." With those parting words, Gendou turned and walked out the still open cell door. Leaving the child he had forsaken, broken, lying in a growing pool of his own blood.

With his consciousness fading fast, Shinji watched his father through the one remaining eye that was partially open. Once again, he was being thrown away, left behind. This time the tears that came were not because his only remaining family had again abandoned him. In his mind he was replaying every moment he had joyfully shared with Rei.

Only now his memories were tainted by the words of the Commander. Behind every gentle smile he saw only her disgust. Eyes that had glowed with compassion and desire now burned with contempt and revulsion.

With the last of his strength gone, Shinji gladly embraced the darkness as unconsciousness claimed him.

Outside in the hallway, Gendou stared at the wall; annoyed that he had allowed his emotions to control his actions. It had been a number of years since he had last indulged in such coarse past times.

<Man is often unaware of his true capabilities until they are realised with the assistance of rage.>

"Have Doctor Akagi inspect the prisoner. It appears he has suffered some serious injuries. It would be remiss of us to leave him in pain." With his business here finished, Commander Gendou Ikari left to oversee the results of the day. He was a busy man after all.

"At once sir." Both guards replied in unison.

***

Office of the Supreme Commander of Nerv

Misato was distraught. As soon as she had been able to arrange transport from the now devastated Matsushiro test site, she had returned to Tokyo-3 only to find Unit 00 and 02 out of commission and both Pilots hospitalised, being treated for minor injuries.

Unit 03 was literally torn to pieces, scrap metal and bio-engineered blood and tissue knee deep in the immediate area surrounding the battle zone and It's Pilot, Touji Suzuhara now in intensive care minus an arm and leg. But that was only the beginning.

Misato's thoughts turned to the Pilot of Unit 01.

Her last conversation with Shinji had ended with both of them in tears and Shinji, just having witnessed his friends broken body being lifted out of the shattered entry plug, had ultimately threatened to self destruct the Test Type Evangelion in retaliation for his father's callous behaviour.

With a casual indifference that not many would be able to display given the circumstances, Commander Ikari had put an abrupt end to the very real threat Shinji had made. And now, Misato waited for the Commander to return from the EVA cages where he was currently inspecting the damages sustained by the three remaining units.

She did not have to wait very long.

"Where is Shinji-kun? What have you done with him?" Ignoring the throbbing pain of her injured arm, Misato issued her demand before either the Commander or Sub-Commander had even reached their seats.

Gendou simply crossed his hands and stared through Misato, neither acknowledging her or her question.

"You forget yourself Major." Kouzou replied stiffly. As was his usual practice, he neglected to sit, opting to stand beside his former pupil.

"What have you done with Pilot Ikari, 'Sir'?" Misato growled sarcastically, gritting her teeth as another searing jolt of agony reminded her that clenching the fist of her damaged limb was not a terribly good idea but it at least provided her with the necessary determination to face both the Commander and Sub-commander.

Gazing down at the disconsolate woman, Gendou waited before replying, ensuring Major Katsuragi understood just who was in control of this little drama. "The Third Children is presently being detained in the detention block. He will remain there for one week to reflect on his actions. After the incarceration period has expired he will be summarily stripped of all status as a NERV employee and released to pursue his own life, away from Tokyo-3." His monotone voice remained low, betraying nothing of his personal feelings.

Gendou's apparent indifference only further infuriated Misato. "You're sending him away? Why?" She demanded, once again conveniently forgetting with whom she was actually arguing with.

"Occupation of an Evangelion. Threatening not only the Command Staff of this installation, but the very population of Tokyo-3 with the self destruction of Unit 01." Gendou's eye's narrowed at this particular offence. His anger still simmered beneath the calm veneer he often displayed. "I have already discussed the situation with former Pilot Ikari and he now understands the error of his actions and realises he is fortunate that no further disciplinary action will be taken. His conduct was severe enough to warrant execution without trial Major, but due to his service record I have decided to be lenient."

Misato could only gape at Gendou, his cold words doing little to assuage her concern. "Is he allowed visitors?" She asked, the fire that fuelled her emotions slowly dying under Gendou's imposing gaze.

"Not at this time." Gendou replied, an edge now beginning to taint his words. A sure indication at his growing impatience.

"Why not?" Unable to concede, Misato pressed her case regardless of the very real promise of swift reprisal for doing so.

Leaning back, Gendou assumed a rigid posture, his eyes bearing down remorselessly at Misato's continued insubordination. "Major, I believe you should worry about the situation we now face. We are presently vulnerable to attack." While he knew the next Angel was coming soon, there was no clearly defined timetable and regardless, there was always the distinct possibility of assault from the various insurgent groups and factions who continued to vocally oppose NERV. "Both Pilot Ayanami and Pilot Sohryu will be unable to return to active duty until the day after tomorrow. Pilot Suzuhara is permanently incapacitated and can be considered as nothing more than a backup."

"But Unit 01-"

"As discussed, the Third Children is no longer part of the Pilot roster. Rei will now Pilot Unit 01, as was originally intended. I suggest you take the time to review the tactical options available to us. You are dismissed Major."

"Yes Commander." Misato's resolve under Gendou's continued gaze didn't waver. Defiantly she matched his steely-eyed look before saluting contemptuously and storming out of the Command Centre.

Kouzou waited until Misato had departed before leaning down to whisper into Gendou's ear. "What purpose does releasing the boy serve, Ikari?"

"We can no longer afford to allow his presence to distract Rei from her true purpose. His absence will be to our ultimate benefit." Leaning forward, Gendou once again resumed his normal posture. "Rei will return to my side. She will understand the folly of allowing her emotions to rule her judgement." Gendou was satisfied that his plan, whilst revised slightly, was still proceeding as he deemed necessary.

***

NERV Detainment Cells

Ritsuko had barely managed to escape the disastrous activation experiment of Unit 03 in Matsushiro, only to return to find Unit 02 requiring minor repairs and Unit 00 missing an arm. Regardless of her physical state, Gendou required her to commence repairs on both Evangelions.

She still didn't have a complete picture as to what had actually taken place during the activation of the Dummy Plug System but Maya, her assistant, was practically an emotional wreck, Misato was almost as distraught and Gendou……. Gendou had been furious one moment and then not long after had seemingly regained his composure.

Now, at Gendou's direction, she was following a security guard to check on Shinji. This had her a little nonplussed. As far as she could recall, Shinji had suffered little if any injuries during the conflict, aside from the obvious emotional and psychological trauma.

"The Third Children is confined in here Doctor Akagi." The guard motioned towards one of the numerous steel doors. With a curt nod towards his associate, the door slid open and both guards resumed their positions either side of the door.

Ritsuko sighed wearily and shook her head. She could appreciate the need for vigilance when dealing with dangerous criminals but she hardly considered Shinji as someone of that calibre. Stepping into the cell Ritsuko looked at the body of the young boy lying against the wall. "Shinji-kun, are you allri- Dear Kami-sama, Shinji-kun!" While the shadows made it difficult at first to gage the full extent of his injuries, Ritsuko quickly deduced that the unresponsive boy was in need of immediate medical attention.

Carefully touching his face, Ritsuko quickly called for an emergency medical unit. She knew that Gendou would deny the petition to relocate Shinji to a medical ward so all treatment would need to be performed here.

***

The Tortured Mindscape of The Third Children

It is often remarked upon, that dreams are the one place where any wish can come true.

The old and infirm regain their youth and vitality.

The crippled can run like the very wind itself.

Friends and lovers are often reunited, offering solace to the lonely and bereaved.

In a sense, a world of infinite possibilities limited only by the imagination.

But for an unfortunate few, the land of dreams is not the haven that others willingly embrace during peaceful slumber. In stark contrast to wishes coming true, the horrors of reality are twisted beyond imagining, tormenting the very soul of the individual trapped within a darkness of their own feverish creation.

For Shinji Ikari, dreams had never been a refuge from a world that he feared and despised. The physical pain that racked his body was insignificant compared to the terror that plagued the landscape of his mind.

<<USELESS CHILD>>

The imposing image of his father standing above him dominated his vision. The dark silhouette only discernable against the surrounding shadows by the reflection off his ever-present glasses.

Shinji's stared blankly at the distorted representation, barely registering it's presence. His normally melancholy blue eyes devoid of life.

<<I HAVE NO NEED OF YOU. I NEVER DID.>>

Again, Shinji sat there, motionless and unresponsive.

In reaction to his indifference another smaller form appeared beside his father. Obviously female, it's crimson eyes looked down on him with revulsion and disdain, glowing with an intensity meant to burn away the armour Shinji's psyche had erected to protect his diminishing sense of identity.

<<I DETEST YOU.>>

While his eye twitched, the blank gaze remained static and unchanging. His lips parted slightly as he silently mouthed a word, a name that had come to mean so much in such a short time span.

<<YOU REPULSE ME.>>

Another twitch, stronger this time, was followed by a single tear escaping the confines of Shinji's eyes. Yet still his cobalt orbs remained devoid of life.

<<ONCE YOU LEAVE I CAN RETURN TO MY TRUE SELF.>>

The smaller, feminine shadow-Rei entwined her arm with the shadow arm of his father. They both turned to smile at each other before fading from view, leaving Shinji alone in the darkness. Alone with only his broken memories for cold comfort.

"Rei-chan." Shinji whispered, lacking the strength to give true voice to his pain.

***

NERV Recovery Ward

Grunting in discomfort, Asuka sat up in the hospital bed and clutched her head from the pain. She noticed someone standing at the window, looking out at the Geofront. "Wonder Girl? What happened to you?" Asuka's eye's drifted down to the sling that now supported Rei's arm.

Without bothering to turn around, Rei answered Asuka's question. "Unit 00's arm was forcibly disconnected during the battle." On reflex, her good hand reached up to rub her shoulder, remembering the pain. "I was still synchronised at the time."

"While you were still synchronised?" Asuka could scarcely believe what she was hearing. "Who would order something like that?" She knew that even with the First Children's pitiful synchronisation ratio, the sensation of having even a phantom limb exploding out of its socket must have hurt a great deal.

"Commander Ikari decided it was necessary." Rei responded. "Unit 03 overpowered me and was attempting to contaminate Unit 00." She had to agree with the decision. Considering her genetic heritage, contamination from an Angelic source would have resulted in drastic results.

"What happened out there? My communications system and sensor array were knocked out when I …….." Asuka silenced herself. There was absolutely no chance she would admit that she was defeated. Especially not in front of the doll.

Unconcerned with Asuka's mental turmoil, Rei answered the question. "Unit 01 neutralised the target." Her memories were slightly jumbled. She could recall hearing Shinji-kun declaring he would rather die than kill the Pilot trapped inside the EVA turned Angel. Eventually the pain had overwhelmed her and she had succumbed to unconsciousness, but not before she had heard the Commander order the activation of the Dummy Plug. Rei concluded that the system must have been victorious, otherwise they would all be dead.

Asuka frowned. "Baka Shinji?" She snarled the derogatory nickname. It annoyed her that once again the inferior Pilot of Unit 01 had over shadowed her, had stolen another victory that was rightfully hers, would receive the accolades meant for her and her alone. "Of course. Who else but the one and only-"

Rei decided she did not wish to hear Asuka deride Shinji anymore. Especially if he was not even present to defend himself from her accusations. "Shinji-kun did not willingly participate in the battle."

Asuka's eye's narrowed at the impertinence of the girl. How dare she interrupt Asuka Langley Sohryu. "But you just said that-"

Once again, Rei cut Asuka short. "Unit 01 achieved victory only due to Commander Ikari's intervention." She explained.

"What are you talking about?" Asuka demanded.

Before Rei could inform the Second Children that such information was classified there was a knock at the door followed by the appearance of the smiling face of Ryouji Kaji. "Hello ladies, I sincerely hope you're both decent." He winked at both girls, drawing a slight blush of embarrassment and excitement from Asuka. "If you're both ready, I've been designated to take you home." He proclaimed, stepping into the room now that he had confirmed that both girls were awake and at least clothed in hospital gowns.

Asuka smiled and leapt over to clutch Ryouji's arm. "Kaji-san!" All thoughts of pain and the defeat she had suffered vanished, her adolescent mind focussed on the handsome man.

"Inspector Kaji, do you know what has happened to Shinji-kun?" Rei asked the man as he struggled to calm Asuka down.

Ryouji shook his head. "Not at the moment. Katsuragi's gone to speak to Commander Ikari about it. She said to meet her at her car." He explained.

Asuka tightened her grip and tugged playfully at his arm. "Are you going to visit us Kaji-san?" She asked hopefully. The heavy schedule of school, tests and training drills at NERV and Angel attacks had severely interfered with any free time she had wanted to spend with the elusive Special Inspector and even when she did manage to have the time, he rarely did. At least not for her.

"Well, Katsuragi can't drive at the moment so I've offered my services as your chauffeur." Ryouji winked, idly rubbing his unshaven jaw with his remaining free hand.

Asuka's smile dipped a little. "Oh. Because of Misato." The unpleasant sensation she often ignored now returned to remind her of the gulf that lay between her and Ryouji and of the renewed bond that was steadily growing between the former lovers.

Catching on quickly, Ryouji placed a hand over Asuka's and gently patted it. "Well I don't get to spend as much time with my favourite blue eyed girl as I'd like these days so this seems like the perfect opportunity for us to catch up."

While his words elicited a smile from the young girl, Asuka's eyes betrayed her true feelings. She realised now more than ever that Kaji was only being kind and considerate, as he would be to a younger sister or cousin.

He didn't love her. At least not like she dearly wished he would. Not like she loved him.

"Can you give me a moment Kaji-san. I can't very well go outside looking like this." Asuka plucked at her hospital gown with some distaste.

Kaji bowed deeply. "Of course my lady. I'll be waiting outside." With a flourish, he exited the room leaving the two girls to change.

Asuka watched him walk outside. As the door closed, a terrible wrenching pain tore mercilessly at her chest. Forcing the pain deep down, burying it with the other dark, painful memories that formed the basis of her personality, Asuka straightened her shoulders and moved to change out of the hospital gown.

***

Elsewhere, in NERV's post-operation recovery room, Touji Suzuhara struggled to blink away the heavy fog that clouded his senses. Everything was a jumbled series of fragmented memories and painful sensations.

He could remember his enthusiasm at Misato's presence for his activation test, how she smiled and teased him, trying to put him at ease.

The activation of Unit 03 was successful, he had felt the strange physical and mental connection that Shinji had mentioned and then everything had gone crazy.

Memories of attacking the other Pilot's, his cries for help ignored and unanswered. Everything had culminated in the assault on Unit 01. While he had not been in control, he had been aware of everything that had transpired. He could still remember how it felt to have his hands wrapped around the throat of Unit 01.

Before the drugs claimed him again, Touji wondered if his little sister was alright and who would visit her while he couldn't.

***

Streets of Tokyo-3

A drive in Misato's Blue Renault Alpine was generally a noisy affair. The high revs of the engine combined with the squeal of rubber on asphalt were usually accompanied by the laughter of its regular driver and the screams of terror of any other motorists and pedestrians nearby. The passengers were normally too petrified to utter a sound. Much like now except the usual driver was a passenger and the car was proceeding at the regulation speed limit.

Misato sat in sullen silence, contemplating recent events. She had promised to explain to Rei and Asuka what had transpired and why Shinji was not coming home with them and instead would be staying at NERV Headquarters for the moment. It was a prospect that she was not looking forward to. What was worse was she had deceived Shinji. She had willingly withheld the information on the selection of the Fourth Children from him. Initially it had been to shield him, afraid of what it would do to him. But she now realised the horrible truth. She had been afraid that he would begin to hate her. If the world was coming to an end, the last thing she wanted was for Shinji to despise her and now it looked like it was too late to repair things.

Asuka did not enjoy silence. It often allowed her time to think about things that were best left buried, like now. While it looked like she was just staring off into space her eyes were watching the reactions of the man driving the car. All the suspicions and doubts that had grown since arriving on Tokyo-3 were now coming to fruition. Ryouji Kaji hadn't even spared her a single glance since meeting Misato at the car. He only had eyes for her. The wellspring of fear that she masked each and every day was now bubbling just beneath the surface. Compounding this fear was her continued failure to shine as NERV's elite Pilot. She had been the first to fall, not even lasting a minute against the Evangelion / Angel Piloted by the Dumb Jock. No, Asuka did not like silence but it was far more preferable to the screams her lungs desperately sought to voice.

The absence of noise did not bother Rei in the slightest. Silence and quiet was something she had grown accustomed to over the years. Being raised by Commander Ikari, who himself was a man of few words, had instilled a preference for peace and quiet over the normal rambunctious behaviour of her fellow passengers. But as with the battle against the Twelfth Angel, this particular silence was more foreboding than serene. Something had happened, something calamitous enough to cause the normally precocious Misato to sit in pensive silence. Even the brash Second Children had withdrawn behind her mental barriers, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.

Turning her eyes back out the window, Rei watched the clean up crews still laboriously clearing away the wreckage that remained of Unit 03 and deep in the recesses of her mind she realised that this was the result of her actions. This wanton destruction was her fault.

<Will he despise me for what I have done?>

She still worried over the truths she had purposely avoided telling him, fearing his reaction to her origins.

<Will Shinji-kun despise me for what I am?>

And so they all sat in silence, each reflecting on things that they all feared to give voice to, somehow hoping things could return to how they used to be, knowing that it was impossible. Life simply wasn't that easy.

***

End Thirteenth Refrain

Tbc

Proof Read and Pre-Read by…….No One! I think SuPeRnOvA145's busy with exam's (either that or he gave me up as a lost cause. I know I did long ago.)

Authors Post-Rant -

Okay, as promised things look bleak at the moment. That can't and won't be helped. Everything is part of the tapestry I'm trying to weave, so please bear with the emotional trauma and prepare yourself for even worse to come. Although I will attempt to lighten the mood here and there. I'm fairly sappy for a self-confessed self-hate merchant.

BTW - Sorry about the length of the chapter, but I didn't want to overplay the angst card. Not when it becomes more or less the central theme for the next few chapters and as for Gendou losing his self-control, you just have to recall his younger days when he often became embroiled in fights. Given the potential loss of his precious Unit 01 and Yui I like to think his reaction wasn't too far from possible.

As always, post your reviews here at FFN (Or where ever you find this).

Any other comments, thoughts etc are welcome at -

otaku_dman@yahoo.com.au.

Ja Ne