Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Commander Gendo's Happy Fun Time Hour ❯ Shinji's Really Bad Day ( Chapter 1 )

Commander Gendo's Happy Fun Time Hour Chapter 1: Shinji's Really Bad Day


Don't own Eva, don't own any other anime shows either. Or any of the other stuff I'm parodying for that matter. I'm poor, please don't sue me. As this is a parody of a lot of different things, watching out for falling OOC is advised. Don't blame me if you get traumatized by seeing Gendo in a sailor fuku. WAFF happens also, try not to step in it. Very sticky and sugary, hard to get off of shoes. Pairings will be what strikes me as most amusing. You have been warned.

####

'Sounds like the mail is here.' Thought Shinji as he heard the sound of footsteps coming up the path to the house.

Shinji opened the door and caught the mailman just starting to lift the mail flap in the door. The poor government employee had not been expecting this, and threw himself back in terror. A fine sheen of sweat drying on his forehead as he sighed in relief, it was just Shinji. The poor kid's aunt had met him at the door once to give him a Christmas gift. She had been wearing only a ribbon and a smile at the time, and after all this time he still woke up screaming some nights. Fortunately, having to go to the post office to get the mail for two weeks seemed to have broken her of that urge.

"Hi Shinji. How are you today?" The mailman asked.

"I'm good, and yourself?" Shinji replied.

"No problems. Here is today's mail. Looks like something for you in there also. Who do you know in Tokyo 3?"

The brown haired boy blinked in surprise, "No one. I wonder who it is from?"

"Guess you will find out soon enough. See you later Shinji."

"You too Ashida-san."

Shinji closed the door, and walked down the hall into the kitchen. As usual, it was a mess from his aunt's attempt at making something vaguely edible for breakfast. Today it looked like a pot of oatmeal had exploded on the stove. Thinking back on the loud bang that woke him up at five, while examining the soot on the ceiling and burn marks on the walls, he decided that is most likely what happened. At least the fire department had learned a few years ago not to show up unless fire was actually coming out of the windows, the neighbors had gotten tired of being woken up by the sirens. He really regretted that his alarm clock was broken thanks to his uncle trying to "improve" it. He missed his old room and all his things in it too. But his uncle would not be denied the challenge of making the first cold fusion powered alarm clock. Mad scientist genes seemed to just run in the whole family. His SDAT had turned up missing two days ago. His uncle had said that he didn't take it but, Shinji didn't really believe him.

He decided to sort out the mail before he got to the cleaning. 'Bill, bill, zoning variance request forms, Mad Scientist Weekly, death threat from old Mrs. Hamada.' He sighed, 'Looks like she's still mad about all her cats hair falling out then growing in neon green, pink, and purple.' His uncle just thought her house needed more color. 'Court summons, letter from NERV.' Shinji paused a moment. 'NERV?'

'Did they finally get back to Uncle about his plans for a anti-matter powered mining drill?' The thought of his uncle having access to the kind of funding that a major institution like NERV could give him made poor Shinji break out in a cold sweat. Shinji prayed, "Please Kami-sama, let it be ANYTHING but NERV going to fund one of my uncle's projects." As much as he liked his uncle, he could see why the neighbors all wanted him someplace padded and far away from them. Looking closer at the the letter he saw that it wasn't for his uncle, thank god. It was for him. 'Wait a minute, why would I be getting mail from NERV?'

Somewhere far away, a large group of gods watching TV fell over laughing. Looking at their leader who was holding his sides, cola coming out of his nose, Kami-sama said, "What? He got his prayer answered. Most people don't even get that much."

The letter didn't seem to be going to answer anytime soon, so he got a knife and opened it. Pulling the letter out of the envelope he noticed that it was wrapped around a piece of heavier paper. Opening the first layer of paper he read:

From the office of Commander Gendo Ikari


Shinji,

I need you to come to Tokyo 3 immediately. Your aunt and uncle will be informed that you are moving. Enclosed you will find a train ticket, an ID, and the picture of the person picking you up. Do not go with anyone else. Leave immediately. Anything else you need will be provided. Your possessions will be shipped to your new residence.

Gendo Ikari

His father wanted him! At long last his father wanted him! He didn't say what for, but his father wanted him! With this Shinji ran to his room and got dressed for traveling. He threw a few small things in his bag and still clutching the letter he went back into the kitchen. Looking around he couldn't help but grin. At long last he would never have to clean up after other people again! No more crazy experiments! No more drunken parties! And best of all, no more sudden explosions destroying all his stuff! He wrote a quick note to his aunt and uncle, then stuck it to the fridge door. With a laugh and a skip he went out the door.

On the way to the train station he realized that looking at the picture of the person that was going to be picking him up might be a good idea. He unfolded it and immediately felt faint. It looked like it was torn out of a calender, it was even marked "Girls of NERV, 2015." It showed a good looking purple haired woman in her late twenties wearing just a halter top and cutoffs. The picture was captioned: "Miss February, Major Misato Katsuragi" He saw that there was writing on the picture, "Shinji, I'll pick you up at the train station. PS, Look at these!!!!" With an arrow pointing at her cleavage. Seeing this Shinji started to get a sinking feeling in his stomach. 'What kind of place is Father working?' With visions of being put to work at a brothel working the desk filling his head, he nervously examined the rest of the packet. At least the train ticket looked normal. He noticed a second picture had fallen out of the folded calender. He picked it up and, for the second time in as many minutes he felt faint. There was his SDAT laying on a table, above it could be seen a black sleeve ending in a white glove. Clenched in the gloved hand was a large pistol that was pointed at the tape player. Written on the picture was "Come, or the SDAT gets it."

####

Tokyo 3, Geo-front entrance #27

A black Ferrari roared down the road, sun shining on its highly polished paint job. It suddenly was thrown into a sharp 180 degree turn and skidded to a stop in front of the shuttered doors. A young man got out and walked towards the guard post. His long brown hair waving in the gentle breeze, deep green eyes taking in the view. His black leather trench coat open enough to show a skintight shirt that somehow managed to reveal a washboard stomach. Tight black pants, tucked into combat boots polished to a mirror finish gently beat upon the warm cement. The hilt of the katana he had picked up out of the car peeping out of the trench coat completed the outfit.

He walked up to the guard post, and with flick of his head he tossed his hair over his shoulder. A woman walking past proceeded to walk into a lamppost while imagining running her hands through his luxurious hair. "Ooh, so smooth." She sighed as she lapsed into unconsciousness.

"I believe you have been expecting me." At the blank looks of the two guards he said, "I'm Su, Maury Su." Continued blank looks. "From NERV France." Even more blank looks. He finally sighed and said, "The 6th child?"

One of the guards leaned over to his superior and whispered, "6th child? I thought we only had two of them."

His superior said back in a low tone, "We get these every once in awhile, don't worry. Just call Dr. Akagi and tell her that her latest 'lab assistant' has just arrived."

"Mad Akagi? Are you sure? The other guards said..."

"Quiet, and never call her that. Especially around her assistant." He paused at the shocked look on his coworkers face and said, "Just do it."

The first guard picked up the phone and started dialing. As he did that, the second guard smiled and said, "Welcome! We have been expecting you Su-kun. I'm Ishida, and this is Hidoshi" Hidoshi pulled the receiver away from his ear as a delighted squeal came from it. "Dr. Akagi will be here shortly to greet you and take you personally for tests. If you could please wait here for a few minutes?"

"No problem."

As the young man slouched against his car, the younger guard approached his superior while digging in his ear. "What's going on?" He hissed. "We're just going to let some weirdo off the street into NERV?"

"Don't worry about it, everything is under control. We get these every once in awhile," he paused thoughtfully then continued, "not sure how they find out about it or where they come from though. They just show up one day and all claim to be the 6th child or some such. Standing orders are to contact either Dr. Akagi, or Lt. Ibuki to pick them up for tests."

"About Akagi, I've heard some rumors...."

"Which you should really keep to yourself. And never talk about them where Ibuki might hear."

"Ibuki, with the cute little butt?" Hidoshi inquired making curve motions with his hands. "Why not, everyone thinks Akagi's nuts?"

"She's quite fond of her 'Sempai', and absolutely hates to hear anything bad about her. And tends to express the hate in rather... creative ways."

Further conversation was cut off as the shuttered security door opened and Dr. Akagi and Lt. Ibuki came out, a wheeled hospital bed could be seen through the doorway. The two women were all smiles and cheer as they approached the young man who had totally ignored what was going on around him.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Akagi, the head of Project E. We are very happy to meet you Maury-kun." Ritsuko said while giving him a smile with more than a passing resemblance to the last thing a gazelle sees before getting eaten.

"Well, I think I'm going to like working here," he said as he looked Dr. Akagi up and down leering slightly. He pulled a perfect red rose out of somewhere and handed it to her. "Such a pleasure to meet you doctor." Leering more blatantly as he stared at her breasts he continued, "Very impressive."

Ritsuko took the rose and said, "Umm, thanks. This is my assistant, Lt. Ibuki."

As he produced another rose from thin air with his left hand, he took Maya's hand in his right and kissed it. He handed her the rose and looked into her eyes, totally missing it as she wiped her hand on her pants leg. "So many beautiful young ladies here. It's my pleasure to meet you as well, Miss Ibuki."

As he started flirting with the poor young lady, Dr. Akagi interrupted. "So, tell us a little about yourself Su-kun. We got very little notice of your arrival."

"Well, lets see, where to begin? I have black belts in three different martial arts, have a degree in engineering, and my latest novel is a bestseller." He gave them a oily smile as he boasted modestly.

"Ooh, that is impressive at such a young age! Please tell me more!" The good doctor gushed with a smile. She put her arm around the young man's shoulders as she started him walking towards the doorway.

As they walked past Maya, he pinched her on the butt. Off in his own little world, he totally missed the momentary look of rage and disgust on her face as he walked past. He continued telling them about how great he was. "And, my sports accomplishments include..."

Maya stepped up next to them, and while he was distracted with how great he was, she reached into her pocket. When they reached the wheeled hospital bed, she pressed the item she had grabbed into his side and hit the button. He stiffened and shuddered for a moment. Then as his knees buckled, Dr. Akagi steered him face down onto the bed. "Whaaaa?" He offered groggily.

As Dr. Akagi took a needle out of her lab coat, her assistant insistently held out her hand. As Maya took the syringe from her Ritsuko looked inquisitively at her assistant. Maya said, "I want to do it. Self important little bastard groped me." With that Ritsuko nodded. Lt. Ibuki took the cap off and slapped the needle into Maury's left buttock as hard as she could. With a look of pleasure she hit the plunger, driving the powerful drug into him.

"Did you see that little pig undressing me with his eyes?" Dr. Akagi said as the lifted his legs onto the bed. She turned to the guards and said, "Thanks guys, there will be a little something extra in your paychecks next time."

As soon as he was securely strapped down, Maya began pushing the bed down the hall towards an elevator. "Ugh, this is one of the worst yet. Have to come up with a good experiment for him."

"How about a genital elasticity test?" Maya gave her a puzzled look.

"Hang the little pervert from the highest point in the Geo-front by his love tackle." Ritsuko clarified.

"Ooh, there's a thought! We could test the armored plug-suits at the same time!" Maya got an evil gleam in her chocolate brown eyes as she thought of something else, "Say, with that car and trying like that to make himself look so cool, do you think he might have been compensating for something?"

Ritsuko grinned evilly as she helped Maya roll him over, "Let's find out."

The two men could only shudder in horror as peals of feminine laughter and shrieks of, "Like a Vienna sausage!" As the security shutters closed, blocking the scientists from view, Hidoshi said, "Wow, women are scary."

"Yeah."

"But, if they are doing things like that shouldn't we tell someone? I mean, what are they doing with these people?"

"Heard someone ask Dr. Akagi that once, she said something about them breeding faster than the lab rats and she didn't get as attached to them."

"That's sick! We should do something!"

"Look, I took this job to stand around, look menacing, and get paid well for it. Not to tick the command staff off and then get transfered to the NERV 16th branch in Siberia. I don't know, and I don't want to know. And if your wise, you won't either."

As they pushed the bed into the elevator Maya asked, "Where did he find out about NERV and the children? And why did he decide he was the 6th one? We only have two of them so far anyway."

"Not sure, most of them are delusional. This one claimed to be from the French branch. The nearest base in Europe is in Germany. We will try to get him to tell us where he found out about us from, but I'm not holding out much hope. Wonder where this one got the clothes and car though."

"Hmm, wonder if that's his real name." Maya said.

"Eh"

"Marty Su, or what ever it is. Should check his wallet."

"Ooh, good thought!" At this, Ritsuko reached into his right back pocket and pulled out his wallet. After splitting the cash with Maya she pulled out his ID. "Maury Su, but look at this." She showed the boy's ID to Maya. It showed him in a "Rune Raider Makoto" T-shirt with thick glasses, greasy short brown hair, and about 50 extra pounds. "Always wonder how they go from total geeks to this so fast."

"Maybe we can find out with this one." Maya offered. "Hardly got to ask anything of the last one before he was lynched by the staff. Men and women."

"Ah well, Shinji Ikari should be arriving this afternoon. Should make for a very nice change."

"The Commander's son is arriving today?" Maya inquired.

"Yup, should be interesting. The kid's supposed to be very little like the commander. Good kid from the reports. Quiet and shy, not like this two legged pig." Ritsuko said as the elevator opened and they pushed the bed out.

As they approached a doorway with a sign that read, "Dr. Ritsuko Akagi" Maya noticed someone had scribbled under it in permanent marker, "Abandon all hope ye who get examined here." With a little super-deformed Ritsuko in a lab coat grinning maniacally while wielding what looked like some kind of high tech probe. Her left eye twitching, she pushed the bed in and the door closed behind her.

####

Back at the Katsuragi solid waste experiment station, a certain cell phone started ringing again. A head covered in purple hair, with very red eyes, poked its way out of the pile of garbage she called a bed. She winced in agony as the phone rang again. 'Guess it turned out to be important after all.' "Katsuragi. What do you need?"

"Major, are you almost to NERV?" Asked Makoto.

"Wha? It's only 11:30, I'm not supposed to be in until 2 today."

Makoto sighed, "You're supposed to come in at 10AM today. You have a meeting with the Commander about the accident with Rei at noon, and your supposed to pick up the Third Child today."

"Eh? Third child?" Asked the grumpy and very hung over Misato. This sounded familiar, like something important that she was supposed to do today. 'Oh shit.'

"Yes, Commander Ikari's son. You are going to the train station to pick him up at 3:30 this afternoon right?"

Her eyes bolted open as her mind slammed into gear so hard the world went white as her hangover reasserted its presence. "Meeting about Rei? Third Child? I'm on my way now!"

"Misato, did you forget..." Was all that Makoto got in before the line went dead.

Misato jumped out of bed and immediately regretted it as cans and boxes bounced off the walls as loud as they could. She grabbed her head and stumbled to the bathroom for some aspirin. After gulping them down she started to feel a little better. She quickly ran a brush through her hair and looked in the mirror. 'That will do for now. Good thing I'm naturally ravishing.' She noted that her dress was a little wrinkled but no one would probably notice if she left like she was at the moment. 'They will be too busy gazing in awe in my magnificence to notice some wrinkles and a few curry stains.'

####

Half an hour later, Misato arrived panting at the door to the Commanders office. She knocked firmly on the door and then stepped inside. She walked across the vast room to stand in front of his desk and saluted. "Major Misato Katsuragi, reporting."

"Major, you're late."

"Urk. Eh, hehehe. It's the funniest story..." She began as she tried to think of an excuse for being two hours late.

"The report on the accident that Pilot Ayanami suffered three days ago is in." Commander Ikari began, cutting her off as he glowered at her from behind his folded hands. Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki looked grim.

"Is it?" Misato asked, as she ran a finger along the inside of her collar. 'Damn, this room usually seems so cold.'

Gendo reached down and opened a drawer of his desk. From it he pulled a empty can of Yebisu beer in a plastic evidence bag. He tossed the bag so that it slid to a stop on the other side of his enormous desk in front of her. It was partially crushed like someone had stepped on it. "This is the brand you favor, correct?"

"Yes, but it's a really good brand, and a lot of people enjoy it." 'Oh, shit. He found out that I snuck a beer that day and is planning on pinning Rei being clumsy on me.'

Gendo hit a button on his desk, and a holographic screen flickered to life. Another button, and a close up scan of the can appeared, showing fingerprints on it.

'Bastard is drawing this out just so he can watch me squirm.'

'Look at her squirm! This is good punishment for drinking on the job, and when she sees the rest of it...' The Commander thought as he smirked in amusement behind his hands. "MAGI, cross reference the fingerprints in the sample with the employee database."

"Working." A sexless voice said from a speaker in the ceiling. "Match found, Major Misato Katsuragi." The screen displayed the match in her file with the sample from the can.

"I'm really sorry, and it will never happen again!" She began. "I was already out for the day, and on my way home. That was when I..."

Commander Ikari interrupted her before she could get any farther. "MAGI, display security log showing the events in question. He watched with interest as she became even more pale and started sweating harder.

The screen showed the view of one of the NERV escalators as Misato rode up it. Can pressed to luscious lips, throat working. The microphone caught her distinct cheer as she pulled the can from her mouth. As she walked out of view of the camera, she threw the can at a wastebasket. It bounced off the rim, and she stopped and shrugged a moment then walked off. The can rolled to the edge of the down escalator and stopped. The can lay there, gleaming goldenly, seeming to taunt her with her guilt.

"That is you in the recording, correct 'Major' Katsuragi?"

"I can explain, really Commander Ikari!" Her eyes darting to the left and to the right as she tried to find a way out. Before she could begin to try to save herself from a guard job in Siberia, the commander interrupted her again, this time going for the kill.

"MAGI, forward two minutes on the record." He and Fuyutsuki watched with interest as her squirming became worse, now looking like a little kid that really had to go to the bathroom.

The recording blurred a moment then returned to show Rei walking into the frame. She was walking along, studiously reading a NERV piloting manual in preparation for the Unit-00 activation test in a few minutes. As she stepped up to the escalator, her left foot came down on the can in question. With a startled "Mmmmph?" she lost her balance and fell down the escalator.

The two men watched as all the blood drained from her face and she winced in sympathetic pain as Rei landed at the bottom of the escalator. 'Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!' Misato thought. 'They aren't going to try to pin this on me for drinking here. They don't need to, it IS my fault.'

"What are we going to do with you? Drinking while on duty, dereliction of duty leading to injury of a pilot, littering. But, you are too good of a tactician, too useful for so many things, to just reassign to another base. Now what should we do with you, 'Captain' Katsuragi?"

'Urk!' Demotion and from the look he was giving her, there were many nights scrubbing the EVA bays with a toothbrush in her future.' She thought nervously as she fidgeted with the hem of her dress skirt. 'If I'm lucky that is.'

As Commander Gendo Ikari opened his mouth to pronounce her fate, a scratching sound came from his door. He grimaced in annoyance as his fun was interrupted. 'Whoever is responsible is going to be on cleaning duty far longer than the new 'Captain." "Yes, what is it?"

In walked Rei. Which was interesting as he had checked on her earlier today, and she was so wrapped in bandages that she should be unable to walk for at least a week or longer. Then he noticed something different. Some 'things' actually. Now out of her mop of light blue hair sprouted two triangular ears, both covered in fine blue fur. A long tail covered in the same blue fur twitched from underneath the skirt of her school uniform. He could make out the new slits in her crimson eyes. 'As if the day wasn't annoying enough. Dr. Akagi went and turned her into a catgirl.' He could see Captain Katsuragi goggling at the 'new and improved Rei' and had a feeling that his Sub-Commander was doing the same exact thing behind him.

"Rei, what are you doing?" He asked as he reached into his desk for two aspirin and swallowed them dry.

"It is 12:30. As the second is not here to have lunch with you, I took it upon myself to do so," she answered in her usual monotone.

"No Rei," Gendo began as he started to rub his forehead, feeling his headache getting worse. "I meant, why are you a catgirl?"

"Ritsuko-Mama did it for me." Rei replied flatly. "She was very pleased with how I turned out."

As his left eyebrow began to twitch, he asked. "Why are you calling Dr. Akagi Ritsuko-mama?"

"She told me to." Rei replied levelly.

"Captain Katsuragi, you are dismissed. We will discuss the rest of your punishment later."

"Yes sir! Thank you sir!" Misato said as the practically ran out the door. 'Thank you Ritsu for what ever you did to Rei, it seemed to piss off the Commander more than what I did.'

"Captain." He said to stop her as she reached the door. "Do not drink anything before you pick up the Third. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes sir!" Misato said as she left for somewhere safer to thank the gods for her sudden good fortune.

As his office door closed, Gendo continued through gritted teeth. "Now Rei, we are going to go see Dr. Akagi about what she did this time."

####

Dr. Akagi took a moment to sneeze as she paused in her latest project. Which involved chasing Maya Ibuki around the lab while her protégé was wearing mouse ears. The good doctor was, of course, wearing cat ears while doing it. The Lieutenant was currently keeping the unconscious form of their latest 'lab assistant' between them while giggling fiercely. It was a good fun game of tag until the door opened and Commander Ikari stepped inside. Maya caught sight of him first and drew herself up to attention. She then raised a hand to remove the mouse ears from her head. Her pause allowed Dr. Akagi to glomp onto her, not having noticed their visitor.

The supreme commander of NERV coughed into his gloved hand and said. "Dr. Akagi, what have I told you about flaunting your deviances while on duty? And, do I need to remind you again that you are not to involve your subordinates in them either?"

"Eeep!" Ritsuko squeaked as she jumped away from her assistant. She then drew herself up, snatched the cat ears from her head, and stuffed them in a pocket of her lab coat. "Commander! What do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"You know very well."

Seeing the puzzled look on the doctors face, he reached into the hall and pulled the new Rei into the room.

Maya's eyes lit up with delight at the sight of Rei. "She's too cute!"

"Ah, he he. Reiko, I thought I told you to stay in the examining room. What did you go and bother the commander for?"

"Due to the second being injured and unable to keep our appointment with Commander Ikari for lunch, I decided to join him." Reiko clarified.

"Maya, you might want to go back to your station. I'll call you if I need any help." Said Ritsuko.

"Sure sempai! Commander." She said as she walked out of the lab, pausing for a moment to scratch Reiko behind the ear.

Now that they were alone except for Reiko, he could unload fully at the errant doctor. "Dr. Akagi, what on Earth possessed you to turn one of our pilots into a catgirl?"

"Welllll, you ordered me to find a way to get along with her." Ritsuko began. "I like her a lot better like this! And there are so many advantages to her new form too!" She gushed.

"When I ordered you to get along with her, this is not what I meant." Commander Ikari began turning red. "What about piloting? The Eva's might reject her now! We couldn't even try an activation test due to Captain Katsuragi's incompetence, and now you go and mutate one of our only pilots?"

"I didn't use the second Rei for this, I used one of the spares of course."

Gendo blinked at that. He had been so caught up in his little girl being turned into a cat, that he hadn't really thought about the fact that she was up and around only a couple hours after he visited her in the hospital. He couldn't let the doctor know about that lapse though. "That is no excuse for this. The clones are not for you to turn into your own personal harem for your deviant games."

Reiko, having gotten bored of standing there while the adults argued over her had seen something very interesting on the other side of the room. It was a fish tank and it had several white lab mice in it. She began watching them with rapt fascination, her hands twitching.

Across the room the argument continued. "There are a lot of advantages to her being even more of a hybrid than before. She's far stronger now, has better sight, smell, and hearing. The test on her reaction times came back, and they are 50% above the seconds best. She still has the intelligence of a human to back up her new abilities too. She is also much less clumsy than Rei. And now she's SOOOOO much cuter!"

Before Gendo could answer that there was a loud thump from across the room. Like the thump of an aquarium lid closing suddenly. Dr. Akagi looked towards the sound and saw Reiko in front of her lab mice. "REIKO AYANAMI! You turn around this instant!"

Reiko turned, and sticking out of her mouth was a pink hairless tail. "Reiko! You spit that mouse out right now! Give me that!" Reiko raised her hand to her mouth and pulled out the mouse, her much sharper and longer than normal teeth gleaming in the light. She walked across the room to the two adults and handed the spitty and terrified, but otherwise unharmed, mouse to the doctor.

"Rei...ko, what possessed you to try and eat that mouse?" Gendo asked.

Reiko blinked in confusion and said, "I do not know. I was watching the mice and realized that I was hungry, and how plump and tasty they looked." She trailed off and began to drool slightly.

The Commander sighed, "She's not a vegetarian anymore is she?"

"He he," said Ritsuko. "Guess it's a side affect of the gene therapy. But, there are a lot of advantages to her now, and its not like I used the original." The doctor continued while she put her freshly rescued mouse back into the cage.

"I see. We will have to test her later on to see if these advantages are as good as you claim. For now, she will need someone to stay with." As he watched the doctor perk up and look devious he continued. "Not with you, that's for damn sure." He watched her deflate. "I know someone that needs punishment and think I know just how to administer it." Ritsuko looked scared at that, but he continued again. "Not you again. I have to think about what to do with you for altering one of the clones without permission." His eyes narrowed behind his glasses as a thought occurred to him, "It was just one of the clones, right?"

"Yes! Yes, absolutely! Only the one!" Her claim would have worked better if at that moment a light blue panther with red eyes hadn't opened the door to her lab. In its mouth was a container with four cups of coffee and a pack of cigarettes.

"Just the one Dr. Akagi?" The Commander said frowning at her in annoyance.

"Ah, hehehe. Maybe two of them, but no more than that! Only because the first came out too cat and not enough girl." At the panthers disappointed look she added, "But mommy still wuves her big kitty Wei!" She then started scratching the giant house cat behind the ears.

"You can keep this one, but there had better be only two clones missing from the tank when I go to count them. Do I make myself clear? And no more experimenting on unwitting NERV employees!"

"Yes sir!"

With this, the Commander grabbed Reiko who was still off in her happy land of fat mice for her to eat. 'My life was so normal before Yui's little project to tap into chaos energy exploded. Ah well, we wanted out of that lease anyway.' He looked down at the now inquisitive bundle of 14 year old catgirl and thought. 'Let's at least get her something normal to eat. I'll have to try to convince her that she can't eat peoples pets before she goes to live with the Captain.' He smiled maliciously. 'Maybe.'

####

A few hours later, after he had time to think about things a bit more, Shinji was getting worried. His father had left him at his uncles ten years before, and it had been three years since he last saw him. It didn't seem very likely that his father had suddenly had a change of heart and wanted his little boy back. More than likely his father had found a new "use" for him. Shinji again prayed, "Please god, no more tests to see if his latest mix of vitamins and minerals will make me grow any faster." Shinji totally missed the laughter coming from the heavens again, as well as the short rain of cola from a clear blue sky.

His musings were interrupted by the train arriving at the station. He looked out and was surprised to see that the station was deserted. 'Hmm, that's odd.' He thought. He looked around, the couple of people who had been on the train with him had also disappeared. 'That's, really odd.' He stepped off the train and watched as a newspaper blew past. As he walked out of the station into a seemingly empty city a loudspeaker started up. He listened as it went on about a state of emergency and the importance of getting to a shelter. 'Great, first time I see my father in 3 years and it already looks like I might die.' He saw no sign of the person that was supposed to be picking him up. He sighed, 'Wonderful, I've been forgotten again.'

He walked to a pay phone and started dialing the number that had been scribbled on the back of the calender picture. Across town, in a very dirty apartment, a cell phone started ringing. An annoyed groan came from under a pile of beer cans and old takeout boxes. A hand started swatting around and finally hit the cell phone. As he listened, it sounded like someone picked up the phone. All he could make out was empty cans rattling and a distant groaning. Then who ever was on the other end hung up. He stared at the pay phone and decided it might be wise to just wait here for a bit. 'Maybe try calling again later.'

Across town Misato dug her way out of the pile of garbage. She had been hiding underneath it since her meeting with the commander. She knew that Ikari would never forget what she had done, he was merely waiting for her to relax and then the axe would fall. Only three hours later was far too soon for him to have decided how to punish her. She looked at the caller ID on her cell phone. Not a number she recognized. 'Hmm, 3:45. Wasn't there something very important I was supposed to do around 3pm?' Her eyes bugged out a moment later as she remembered she was supposed to be picking up the Commander's son about fifteen minutes ago. She brushed some takeout Lo Mein off her shoulder and headed out the door. The leftovers landed with a plop on the carpet before it started to drag itself under her couch.

A few minutes later, she was down at the parking lot for her apartment. Misato was vigorously pulling empty beer cans, takeout packages, and top secret NERV memos out of her car and dumping them on the ground. She was trying to make sure that there would be room for more than one person inside. She paused for a moment as she almost threw out the packet of pamphlets that she was supposed to give to the Third Child to read. About that time she noticed the loudspeakers going on about the state of emergency for her area. Deciding that was enough space for one scrawny teenage boy to fit, she jumped in and tore off across town.

Shinji set the receiver back down giving the pay phone a dirty look as it failed to return his change. 'Stupid thing, 200 yen for it to tell me that there was a state of emergency and the lines were down.' Sighing to himself, slumped down against the wall to wait. He glanced up and saw a young pale woman, with blue hair and red eyes looking at him speculatively. After a moment of appraisal, she smiled and started wiggling her eyebrows in a very lascivious manner. He ducked his head blushing as she started making kissing motions at him. Curiosity becoming stronger than embarrassment, he looked up to see that she was gone. He sighed, 'Figures the only girl that would be interested in me is a hallucination, and even then she gets bored and leaves.'

Shinji was forced out of his funk by several jets shooting by just above the tops of the buildings. A moment later, a huge green and white figure lumbered into sight. It looked sort of like the time his friend Hidoshi had microwaved one of his action figures to see what would happen. 'Lets see,' he thought. 'Huge monstrous figure, check. Military aircraft shooting at it without doing any damage, check. I've been forgotten again, check.' Yup, looks just like the last two times he saw his father. Deciding to put what he learned when this happened before to use, he began running for his life. Putting many World Class athletes to shame, he tore around the corner and was almost run over by a small blue car. He pulled up short as the car swerved around him and stopped.

"Hurry get in Shinji!" The woman driver said as she threw open the passenger side door. Deciding that was a simply wonderful idea, Shinji jumped in and they took off.

As he looked at her he noticed all the wrinkles and curry stains on her uniform. He began twitching slightly with the sudden urge to do laundry.

"Wow, all the stuff the UN military is throwing at it isn't even scratching it!" The woman said. He now recognized her as the calender girl from his letter. "Your looking awfully calm for nearly getting stepped on by an Angel."

"Eh, happens more often than you would think." Shinji shrugged then continued, "Why did you call it an Angel? Thought those were supposed to be all glowy, have wings, harps and stuff."

"Not really sure. You would have to ask your father about that one. All I know is that he came up with the code-names." Deciding that she should really get him off the subject before he could ask anymore awkward questions, she asked. "Do you have any ID? So I know that your actually the Shinji Ikari I was supposed to pick up?"

'That sounded pretty stupid,' they both thought. "Yeah, right here," Shinji replied as he dug in his bag. Pulling out the paper he handed it to her. It looked like it had been torn up, taped back together, run through the washing machine, then had coffee spilled on it. After turning it around a few times, she just shrugged and tossed it over her shoulder.

"Eh, close enough," she said, tired of trying to read it while Shinji screamed and tried to grab for the wheel. She handed the packet she had almost thrown away earlier to him to read.

He opened up the packet and several pamphlets fell out onto his lap. The top one was 'Welcome to NERV. Gods in His Heaven, and We Own Your Ass.' It was followed by such wonderful things as: 'NERV Medical 451: Living Without Limbs, NERV Medical 349: Dealing With Feedback From a Neural Interface, NERV Technical 298: Piloting BioMechs for Wusses, NERV Janitorial 23: House sitting for a Megalomaniac: Do's and Don'ts, and finally NERV Janitorial 29: Basic Aquarium Cleaning.

Deciding that he really didn't want to think about the other pamphlets, he started reading the 'Welcome to NERV' one. He was just reading through the list of punishments for reading without permission, when he noticed something odd. As Misato pulled over and started to dig for something under the seat, he asked. "Misato-san, why is being force fed your cooking listed as a punishment?"

As she slowly sat up, he noticed that she was going from flushed to red, then to purple. "Shinji-kun, where did you read something like that?" She said in a low dangerous voice.

"Ri-ri-right here. Under t-ta-tak-taking a road trip with you." Shinji stuttered as he pointed at the offending lines. He pressed himself back into the door of the car as she reached towards the pamphlet with a shaking hand. Shinji squealed like a frightened schoolgirl seeing her first tentacle as she grabbed the booklet from him to read for herself the blasphemy against her driving and culinary skills. He watched as she read through the list, one throbbing vein became two, then four. It looked like she was going to burst a blood vessel until from behind them there came a sudden flash of light and a huge cracking boom. Distracted for the moment by the N2 bomb going off behind them, she threw Shinji under her as the car was tossed end over end.

As they got out of the now beat up car, Shinji gave thanks that the explosion and damage seemed to have distracted her for a moment. As she stood there twitching and mumbling about "Bastards that just claim to like her cooking and car payments." He took a look around, wondering how they were going to get to the city now. Sighing he started to walk the direction they had been headed when a crash came from behind him. He turned around and saw that she had flipped the car over on her own using just her rage fueled strength at recent events.

As he carefully walked back towards her, he noticed the state of her clothing was a lot worse than when she had picked him up. Then he blinked in surprise, the spin cycle in the car seemed to have removed some of the crustier curry stains. 'Wow! Its not very practical, but it would have taken me several minutes with a toothbrush and soda water to get those mostly out!'

The reason for Shinji's sudden fixation on the disheveled state of Misato's uniform wasn't due to the typical teenage hormones. It is in fact due to one of his aunt's projects about two years before. The idea she had was to make it so that people that did housekeeping for a living, but hated their jobs, could find pleasure in their work. After much thinking and designing she was ready to test out her newest invention. As she was having some difficulty finding a volunteer for her project, God smiled upon her and none other than her favorite test subjectarrived home from school. After she gently strapped him in, she turned her machine on with a girlish titter. After a few hours of treatment she let him go to see how it had turned out. He stood up with a wobble, and looked around the room. Then he rushed off to the bathroom. When he returned a moment later, he was wielding a sponge and bucket of soapy water. As she contemplated the wonderful job he was doing in cleaning the house she failed to notice his flushed look and dazed smile. It wasn't until almost a week later when she noticed him being flushed and breathing hard while washing the dishes that she realized what she had done. She had given her twelve year old nephew something almost unknown in the world, a housekeeping fetish. After several weeks of observing him, she was relieved to find that he didn't seem to equate the new pleasure he got from cleaning with sex. Deciding that as it seemed he wasn't about to start prancing about the house in a French maid outfit, or pleasuring himself with cleaning products, she could live with his little fixation. Especially as she didn't have to clean anymore.

####

Back at NERV, several Generals were breaking out the champaign and congratulating each other over how well their bomb had done. With visions of all the funding that NERV had been sucking away from their own pet projects being reallocated to them, they were totally unprepared for the surprise that was coming.

"Contact reestablished!" Said Makoto. "It's still standing!"

"Urk!" one of the Generals offered as he tried to inhale the champaign that he had been drinking. As his friends slapped him on the back to help get the drink back up all that he could think was, 'My beautiful Boom-chan! Gone and for nothing!' Memories of good times with his N2 mine passing through his head: Tucking it in at night. Painting a woman's face on it and putting a blond wig on top the time he took it to a dance. Polishing it every day. And now it was gone forever.

"Freak," Fuyutsuki muttered. Then he said to Gendo, "Figures. First time in 15 years we get to take a vacation, and the week before an Angel shows up."

On the view screen the Angel could be seen. It stretched out an arm and seemed to be giving the camera the finger just before the signal dissolved into static. "Fuyutsuki," Gendo began, "Call and cancel our reservations and see if you can get the money back from our tickets."

"What about the Angel?" Fuyutsuki inquired. "Rei is pretty beat up and we don't have any spare pilots."

"The Third should be arriving shortly." The Commander stated. "It may not be what I had summoned him here for, but we can still put him to good use. If that fails, one of Dr. Akagi's projects might actually be more than just a waste of resources for once."

####

At the same time, about two miles above them, a battered blue car was pulling onto a train car. As the train pulled out of the station and began its long spiral down to the floor of the huge cavern, Shinji took one look at the view and had another sinking feeling in his stomach. Turning to his purple maned companion Shinji asked, "What is it exactly that my father does here?"

"He's Supreme Commander of NERV." Misato responded. She turned and looked at her passenger, "Why do you want to know all of the sudden?"

"One of the only memories I have of him in a good mood was while we were watching 'Violent Revenger Akito.' He kept enthusing about Commander Kragg's underground base and said that when he was my age he wanted to grow up and have a base like that with lots of beautiful henchwomen."

Misato thought this over for a moment, 'Hmm, roughly two thirds of NERV staff are good looking women. Huge underground base. Large military force with giant robots....Nah, couldn't be.'

"Come on Shinji, it's not like that," Misato began defending her job. "NERV is in charge of saving the world from things like that monster up on the surface. It's not meant for taking over the world or destroying it."

"Mmmm." Shinji offered, clearly not convinced.

Several minutes passed in silence and the train finally arrived at the bottom of the vast cavern. After parking the car, they got out and started walking through what seemed like miles of endless corridors. After a good 45 minutes of walking, Shinji was beginning to think that they were lost in the vast maze that was NERV HQ. 'I think I recognize this part. There is the escalator we came down. I think those are the elevators that we are looking for.' He turned around and was just in time to see a wall raise up from the floor to block the way that they had just come from. "Misato-san, that wall wasn't there a few minutes ago was it?"

"Eh?" Misato offered as she turned around and boggled at the wall that now blocked where they had just come from.

Ten floors below them, Dr. Akagi had just finished examining Unit 01 when she heard the announcement that she was needed to find Captain Katsuragi. As she was carrying her diving gear back to the storage locker, she heard an insane titter coming from one of the offices she was passing. Looking through the open door she sighed in annoyance. She crept up behind the man sitting in front of the computer and smacked him over the head with one of her swim fins. "Dr. Vashon! What do you think you are doing? The Commander has specifically forbidden you from running intelligence tests on the command staff."

"Yaaaah!" The doctor exclaimed, jumping out of his chair and nearly out of his skin. "Oh, Dr. Akagi. Eh hehehe. Sorry, the lab rats just don't have the level of intelligence that a human does. And, it was such a great opportunity to try out a test on a supposed tactical genius. Heh, tactical genius my foot! I had her running in circles for the past 40 minutes! If the kid with her hadn't noticed that they had been past the elevators that they were looking for again she might have been there all night!"

Ritsuko ground her teeth together in an attempt to keep from beating the snot out of the psychiatrist. "Dr. Vashon, didn't you hear the announcement about an attack? It is vitally important that our 'tactical genius' gets herself and the person with her to the bridge at once."

"Oh, that's what all those alarms and yelling were about? I don't really pay any attention to those. Thought it was just another drill."

With a deep breath and by force of will, Ritsuko stopped grinding her teeth before she broke one of them. "Assuming we survive this attack, I will see you in my office later on tonight." As the man paled, she turned and started running for the elevators that led to where her old friend was currently.

Misato was looking back and forth from her map to the new wall that had sprung up behind them seconds ago. "Awww hell!" She exclaimed. "Shinji, remind me to beat the snot out of the NERV psychiatrist later on tonight." She took his arm in her hand and started walking over to the elevators that they had passed five times. She pressed the call button on one of them as it was already counting up to the floor that they were on.

The door opened and Shinji goggled for a moment at the woman that stepped out. She had shoulder length blond hair and was wearing a lab coat over a blue swimsuit. He could see that her hair was still wet and dripping slightly. She also seemed to be rather annoyed about something.

"Oh, hi Ritsu," Misato began before the blond woman interrupted her.

"Misato, just how many times did you pass the elevators without thinking that maybe these, or for that matter any of the other elevators on this floor could have taken you down to the command level?"

"Hey! I'm still getting used to the layout of this place, and it doesn't help at all when some idiot starts changing the floor plan just to see what I would do!"

Clearly looking like she thought that was no excuse, Dr. Akagi turned to Shinji and said "So, this is him? The Third Child?"

"Umm, hi." Shinji offered weakly. "I'm Shinji Ikari."

The woman smiled at him as she examined him closely. 'Hmm, not bad looking at all. I wonder what kind of experiments I could get away with performing on him...' She said, "Nice to meet you Shinji, I'm Dr. Akagi. Before you see your father, there is something I would like to show you." The good doctor then motioned for him to join her in the elevator. Misato followed them, looking at her old college roommate rather suspiciously.

Several floors below them, the Commander was issuing orders. Fuyutsuki turned to him and said, "The Third Child has arrived and is being taken to the EVA cages."

Gendo said, "Good. I will meet them there. And the travel agency?"

"They say as we didn't give them a full weeks notice they will only refund half of our tickets."

As Gendo walked over to his personal elevator he paused a moment and said, "Fuyutsuki, I leave it in your hands now. Make sure that they know that such insolence will not be tolerated."

The boat that Dr. Akagi had led them two sped across a room filled with reddish fluid. As they passed a glass window larger than his old house, Shinji somehow managed not to notice the immense hand that could be seen through it. Much like he hadn't noticed the alien warship, the tanks full of sea monsters, or any of the other things being studied at NERV that they had passed. So far, it was a tame visit to see his father.

Shinji thought the boat ride was alright, but the water looked like it would really stain clothing. What he was really wondering was why they didn't just put in moving walkways when they pulled up to a dock and started getting out. After a bit more walking they reached a door, Dr. Akagi punched in a code and then motioned him to enter the pitch black room beyond. 'There had better not be an alien with a probe waiting in there again.' He thought as he stepped into the darkened room. 'Lets see, dark room so he wants to surprise me with something again.' With that thought someone turned up the lights.

"Great," Shinji said. "Fathers trying to do sculpture again in an attempt to impress some art chick?"

"Umm, no." Said Ritsuko.

Shinji thought over the other options for having something that ugly. "Take over the world?"

Blinking in confusion she said, "Umm, no again. It is Humanities Multipurpose..."

Shinji interrupted her in one last attempt to see if he could guess what it was for. "He's going to use it in a vain attempt to be reunited with Mom, even if it drives me insane, wrecks the lives of everyone here, and kills everyone else on the planet?"

"What? No! That's not it at all! It is Humanities Last Hope..." She had just begun pronouncing the capitals just like Gendo had coached her last night when she was interrupted again.

"Its an Eva and we use it to kill Angels."

"Shinji, could you at least wait until I finish speaking?" Ritsuko began to chew him out but was interrupted by a cough. She turned her eyes up to where the cough had come from, it was incidentally the same place as where the very brief explanation of what the Eva was for had come from. 'Like father like son. Both can't wait to see what your going to say.'

"Father. Let me guess, you called me here to stick me in that ugly thing and go fight the monster upstairs right?" Shinji began to level his mothers patented glare at his father.

"Well not originally..." Gendo began babbling. "I did call you here to stay with me for a bit, kinda watch over things while I was out of town..." Shinji's glare leapt up about twelve points starting to reach Yui's 'You are in SOOOO much trouble mister, just wait until we get home,' glare. Gendo began sweating fiercely. 'Damn, I forgot how much he could look like her when he gets pissed off.' In the back of his mind a super deformed version of himself was tied naked to his desk. Standing over him dressed in a white lab coat over a dominatrix outfit was a SD Shinji, who was cackling insanely while pouring hot wax on some of his most sensitive bits. With a shiver he pulled himself back to the task at hand. "While it may not be what I had called you here for, there is still the matter of the angel destroying the city. You are one of the only people that can pilot an Eva. Our other pilot is currently hospitalized due to an accident, right 'Captain' Katsuragi?" With this he gave her a glare of his own that promised further demotion unless she got his son into the giant robot.

"Yes Shinji, there are many advantages to helping NERV save the world from giant monsters." Misato began while running her finger inside her collar 'Damn, they should just send the commander and his son up to glare at the Angel until it dies.' "The pay is great! You'll make more than I do!" 'Of course, you won't see most of it until you hit 18.' Misato thought to herself. 'Assuming you live that long.' "Next girls love guys that kill monsters with many phallic tentacles! You will have so many prospective girlfriends that you won't know what to do! That's just the start of the benefits..." Misato trailed off seeing that he hadn't really been paying that much attention to her sales pitch.

"So," said Shinji. "After all this time you call me back because you want me to house sit for you while you are out of town, and sticking me in that thing is just an added bonus?" Shinji's glare leapt up to a level he had only seen once before on his wife. She had spent several days 'correcting' his bad behavior in ways that still made him shiver. He had never done anything to set her off like that again in all the time they had been married. He could practically feel the kiss of her whip, and hear her shouting,"Baka-Gendo!"

"Eh, hehehe." Gendo began while squirming imperceptibly. "Like Captain Katsuragi said the job pays well, and there are many fringe benefits to it. I'm sure I could also fit time for you into my schedule, as long as you kill the Angel before it kills us."

Fuyutsuki, who had been monitoring the meeting from the bridge thought, 'Damn, the kid has him really shaken. Wonder if he will remember that he promised to spend time with his son after the angel is dead.' The Sub-Commander smiled while watching Gendo squirm. 'Most people wouldn't realize just how whipped Yui had him, and it looks like her son has the same ability to make him give in to whatever they want.'

Shinji was contemplating what he had been told. 'Hmm. Great pay, girls throwing themselves at me, and father will do whatever it takes to get me into the Eva. This has real possibilities. Wonder what else I can wring out of him...' His glare subconsciously changing into a smirk he said, "All right. I'll pilot it and kill your big monster for you, but some training would be nice."

Ritsuko smiled at this, it looked like they had him convinced. "That's OK Shinji, we don't need you to do much more than just sit in the pilots seat." She put her arm around him and led him off to the changing room. 'Hopefully he will need some help getting dressed,' she thought to herself with a smile.

####

Reiko was bored. She had been stuck waiting in the examining room for the past two hours. While she would normally have been able to sit there for days if necessary, whatever Dr. Akagi had done to her had affected her patience. She had been examining the contents of the cupboards for the past half hour when she was interrupted. As she spun around her tail puffed up and her ears pulled back against her head she recognized the sound of the intercom.

"Reiko,' began the Sub-Commander, 'the Third Child has agreed to pilot Unit 01. You will be backup in Unit 00 for the mission. Your orders are to strike a terrorist front and then to observe the Third's fight. Assist him only if needed."

"Yes sir." Reiko said tail twitching in anticipation. A fight would be more interesting than waiting where she was.

Several minutes later she was climbing into the entry plug. As it filled with LCL she made a disgusted face. She was puzzled for a moment as all of her memories from the original indicated that she enjoyed immersion in the liquid. While she had no problems with water due to the breed of cat Dr. Akagi had chosen for the genetic infusion, she really didn't like the way the LCL felt in her fur. 'It feels...sticky,' she thought with a further grimace. With her tail twitching unhappily from where it poked out of a hole cut in the plug-suit, she decided that she was going to avoid future contact with the substance unless she absolutely had to.

As her Eva activated, she had the distinct feeling that someone was in it with her. The feeling got stranger as it changed into a mental sensation of someone glomping on to her while saying 'She's sooooo cute!' In a flash, the feeling passed and she was synced. Feeling mildly puzzled at the odd sensations, she almost missed the instructions she was being given on the location of the terrorist base. Signaling her acknowledgment she waited to be launched. Once on the surface she proceeded to her target. Stopping in front of the building she paused to consider her objective, it certainly didn't look like a terrorist base. It was also odd that Section 2 wasn't taking care of the issue. Mentally shrugging she proceeded to kick and then stomp the travel agency into a pile of rubble. She was getting ready to kick some of the larger pieces of the building down the street when she was interrupted by a horrendous crash. Deciding that it sounded like the Third Child getting into trouble she began to run towards the fight. She pulled up short as a terrible screech sounded shattering windows across the city. Finally coming into view of the battle, she saw Unit 01 ripping off one of the angels ribs and hammering at its core with it. She turned her attention to a communications window that had opened showing the Sub-Commander.

"Reiko, as you can see Unit 01 has gone berserk." Kozo was drowned out by static as the angel self-destructed. "We are sending you Unit 00's Progressive Whip, use it to subdue Unit 01 and assist in the retrieval of the pilot."

"Yes, sir." Reiko said as the building next to her opened revealing the coiled whip within. With a gleam in her crimson eyes that really disturbed the bridge staff, she grabbed the weapon and began to wait for the rogue Eva to exit the flames. As the demonic visage of Unit 01 exited the flaming wreckage she snapped the whip experimentally and gave it a fang baring smile. "Call me Queen," Reiko said freezing the blood of everyone on the bridge and making the out of control Eva's eyes bug out.


Thanks to my prereaders Warpwizard and bsmart for their help in keeping me from making an ass out of myself.