Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Evangelion Battle Planet ❯ Bout 5! Prefight, Kaji vs. Makoto, the Seething Evil Stringy Death Ninja! Main Bout! Naru and Keit ( Chapter 5 )

Once again, Diros is back with another sense-numbing chapter of Evangelion Battle Planet!! Special thanks to The Anime Rudeboy himself for the ideas. What are they? Why dontcha read on and find out eh?!



(Disclaimer: NOT MINE FOOL!)


Formal Announcer: Welcome ladies and Gentlemen, to another stirring edition of Eva Battle Planet. Today, we have a story for you. A story of love, hate, and a WHOLE lot of destruction! (He throws off his tuxedo jacket) ALRIGHT LETS GET THINGS STARTED! EVANGELION BATTLE PLANET! READY?! GO!!



Episode: Insert Funny Name Here/Authors Laziness Increased.





If it aint Eva Battle Planet, then you dont fookin' want it.


Sponsored by: The Mary Sue Rehabilitation Center.


TODAY'S BOUT!!

Pre Main Event Bout: Kaji vs. Makoto

The Main Event: Keitaro/Naru vs. Asuka/Shinji Tag Team Match!

Your announcers for today: Kensuke from Neon Genisis Evangelion, and Kitsune from Love Hina.

Gong Ringer: Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7.

(Authors Note*: I'm too lazy for last names. =/ )


(Up in the announcer's booth, Kensuke sits alone)

Ken: Hey there ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of Evangelion Battle Planet. You're probably wondering why Asuka and Rei are NOT fighting over Shinji in this chapter, well, all will be explained in this. (Holds up a tape, and inserts it into a VCR. The feed changes to Diros' office. Diros sits down with a bandage on his head, while Asuka and Rei stand in front of him)


Diros: I'm sorry you two, but I just CANT do it!

Rei: And why can you not? You stated in the previous fanfictional that Sohryu and I would duel for the title of "Shinji's Girlfriend." (Thinks) I would have been victorious..

Asuka: Yeah! Explain yourself! (Thinks) I was gonna win too!!

Diros: It's the fact that "Asuka Vs. Rei for Shinji" is SO overdone now-a-days. And, if one of you wins, one side is'nt happy, the the other wins, the OTHER side is'nt happy, and if it's a draw..god help us...

Rei: (Suddenly had a freakin large mallet slung over her shoulder, with an atomic symbol painted on the side.) I think it is you you should worry about. We are both displeased.

Diros: Oh mommy...

Asuka: (Had the same thing on her shoulder) Dont make me have to repeat last time's event sir.

Diros: How come I cant do all that COOL stuff that other authors do when they write themselves into their fics!

Rei: (Poised to bash) Because you have common sense. (Looked to Asuka) Sohryu.

Asuka: Right.

Both: CHARGE!!

Diros: AHHHHHHH!!!

(Feed is interuppted back to Kensuke)

Ken: And there you have it folks, thats why you wont be seeing Asuka and Rei fight, but you will see the Red-headed demon fight along side her man tonight.

(Ken turned his head as the door to the booth opened, and in stepped in Kitsune, wearing a rather tight fitting shirt, and a short skirt.)

Kitsune: Yo, you must be Kensuke...right?

Ken (Babbling and blushing) I am Jobe. My name is mud...

Kitsune: (Grinned evily. She wouldnt have to do jack today) Baby, why dont you take over announcing today, The Sake Emporium is having a half off sale on all drinks, and I CANT miss it!

Kensuke: B-b-b-b-b-ut we need someone else to help host!

Kitsune: (Sat in his lap, gently caressing his face) Pretty pleeeeaaaase?

Ken: (Only managed to nod dumbly. A black line whizzes past his face. Completely unnoticed)

Kitsune: (Was gone in a flash) SAKE EMPORIUM HERE I COME!

Ken: Touji is gonna flip when I tell him abo- (Notices all the hard stares) FINE! I'll get the match started. First off, is a small little match in which we all laugh at. Plus, the main event ring isint complete yet. The Pre Main Even match! Makoto vs. Kaji!

(Kaji walks out, and the song "Youse a Hoe." starts to blare. All the "Playas" and "Ballahs" whoop and bark, while most of the ladies boo.)

Kaji: YES!! YES!! I AM THE MAC DADDY OF ALL TIME! (Hops into the ring) Thank you! Thank you!

Ken: I'm going to burn in hell...(Turns off the CD, then presses play on another one, and "Wait and Bleed" blares)

Makoto: (Comes out, armed and dressed like a seething evil stringy death ninja that was out for blood.)

(Back in the booth)

Misato: (Leaning over Kens shoulder) Why are they fighting?

Ken: (Turned to look back at whoever it was, but got a face full of Misato's chest) Mmmf mmf mff mff.......MMMMMFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!! (Jerks his head back) Gah! Misato!! (Nosebleeds. A black line whizzes past his face. completely unnoticed)

Misato: (Completely unfazed) What are they fighting for?

Ken: (Wiping the blood from his nose) I have no clue really..Time filler I guess.

Misato: Ahh, I see. Mind if I watch with ya?

Ken: LIKE I WOULD COMPLAIN!?

Misato: (Giggles, and sits.)

Makoto, The-Seething-Evil-Stringy-Death-Ninja: I want blood!!! MUST KILL!!

Kaji: (Didnt seem bothered) Hold your horses there small fry. Wait for the gong.

Makoto, T.S.E.S.D.N: Must.....rend....flesh....asunder...

Kensuke: Misato, would you like the honors?

Misato: Sure! SOUND THE GONG!!

(Sephiroth simply stands next to the gong, a slight blush on his face)

Ken: WELL!? YOU GONNA RING IT!?

Sephiroth: (Sighs, and draws his Masamune, which is actually a really long poled mallet) The things I do for love...(Looks to Yuffie in the stands, and gives her a slight smile, before striking the Gong)

Misato: The author is a Yuffie/Sephiroth fan? Freakin psycho..

Ken: (Says nothing. 'Nother black line)

Kaji: Gimme your best shot Makoto-kun.

Makoto, T.S.E.S.D.N: DIE!! (charges)


(As it turns out, Makoto didnt know how to fight well, but since he was a Seething etc. etc. etc. he was REALLY REALLY strong, and delivered a quick roundhouse to Kaji's face, knocking him out cold)

Makoto..you know the deal: BOOYAH GRANPAH! PUT YOU ON YOUR ASS! WHO'S THE MAN!? WHO'S THE MAN!?

Misato: (On her ass laughing)

Ken: (Shocked.'Nother black line)

(sidelines)

Shinji: I told you Kaji would lose. Now what do I win?

Asuka: (Turned from watching the ring, to looking at Shinji. She seemed to be REALLY annoyed at first, but that frown quickly turned into a predatory grin)

Shinji: B-b-b-but our match is starting soon! (The dragging process begins)

Asuka: (While dragging him to the locker rooms)Baka! Thats why it's called a quickie!

(On the other side, Naru and Keitaro had been watching them)

Keitaro: Ne...Narusegawa..

Naru: Keitaro, dont you dare even think of asking me that.

Keitaro: But we're going out now, arent w- (Was given a right hook to the jaw, sending him flying into the horizon)

Naru: BAKA HENTAI! IS THAT ALL YOU THINK ABOUT!?

(Back to the booth)

Misato: Well, that was fun. Bai bai Ken-kun (Ruffled his hair before leaving)

Kensuke: I shall never again wash this head of mine...('Nother black line. When is he gonna notice those?)

(Sake Emporium Stand just outside the Stadium)

Kitsune: So your boyfriend lost?

Misato: He is NOT my boyfriend.

Kitsune: Whatever. (Knocks on the bar counter) Yo keep, gimme some hot sake would ya?

Misato: (Grinned) Lightweight. Hey Keep, gimme a bottle of your finest Yebisu.

Kistune: Hold on now...are you challenging me?!

Misato: If I am?

Kitsune: Hey keep, cancel that sake, and bring on the Yebisu's. (Looked to Misato) I'm gonna drink you under the table.

Misato: Your on!

Barkeep: And their off!

(Back to the booth)

Ken: I wonder where that Kitsune girl went to...('Nother freakin black line darts past his face. and finally he realizes it) What the hell was that? Probably a gnat or something, oh well. (Behind him, stuck in the wall, are dozens of shurikens.)

(Crowd)


Shinobu: Motoko-sempai...how are you throwing the shurikens at him without breaking the glass?

Motoko: (Left eyebrow twitched) Thats why my aim is so off....

(Asuka and Shinji emerge from the locker rooms, both smiling)

(Stands)

Touji: Whats up with them? their too happy if ya ask me.

Hikari: Oh pipe down. The match is about to start.

(Booth)

Ken: Well, it's time for our main event! Keitaro and Naru versus Shin-man and his Red-headed mistress. (Red line this time, and lodged in the wall now, is a brick.)

Shinji: Wow Asuka-chan, you threw that brick without breaking the glass! How'd you do that??

Asuka: Glass? No wonder my aim was off..

(From the opposite side of the ring, Naru enters alone)

Asuka: HA! She has no part-(Was intterupted by a loud scream, which was followed by a loud crash, which was then followed by a howl of pain) The hell?!

Naru: Keitaro can go first.

Asuka: Fine! I'll go first! (Hops into the ring) SOUND THE DAMNED GONG!

Sephiroth: (Was perched atop the gong, trying to get away from fan-girls) BACK! BACK I SAY! (Swatted at them with Masa-mallet, inadvertantly ringing the gong...and knocking himself off of it) CRAP!!

(Asuka proceeds to mop the floor with Keitaro. Literally. There is a blue bucket filled with water in the ring, and she's using his head to mop the floor)

Keitaro: GAH! NARUSEGAWA!! HELP!!!! (Flails his arms about)

Naru: Fine! (Tags him, grabs his hand, and slings him out of the ring.) My turn. (She hops in, and her and Asuka begin to fight. They seemed evenly matched, blocking blow for blow)

Asuka: Your pretty good, but I've seen your show. Your going to have to leave soon. (starts counting in the back of her mind) 5..4..3..2..1..

Naru: What do you mean? (No matter where you go, no matter where you hide, eventually, Naru and Keitaro will ALWAYS end up in a comprimising position. As this was displayed as Asuka tripeed her up, causing her to slip and fall backwards, tumbling out of the ring, and onto Keitaro, who's hands were then resting comfortably upon two breasts. Naru's breasts.)

Ken: I COUNT THAT AS A TAG!!

Naru: BAKA HENTAI!! (Slings him into the ring)

Keitaro: What are you making me fight this snobby red-headedbitch for?

(booth)

Ken: He never swore like that before. (The OOC meter blares, going off the scale)

(Ring)

Shinji: (Was slightly agitated) Asuka, let me fight! Please!

Asuka: Aww, Shin-chan wants to defend my honor! How sweet! (Gives him a peck on the cheek, before tagging his hand)

(Booth)

Ken: OH MY GOD!! RETCH! PUKE! GAG! UGH! I'm gonna be sick..(Lotsa' red lines, and about 7 bricks have been lodged into the wall behind him)

Asuka: Damned glass...

(Ring)

Shinji: There's that whole "Throw something but never hit the glass" Thing again. Ah well. (Hopped the line, and looked at Keitaro) Prepare for a thrashing!

Keitaro: Your kidding me right!? I've seen your show you weak kid. You cant do anything. Seta-san has taught me more than enough to beat YOU. (That, and he's not as strong as Asuka)

(Unfortunately, Keitaro found out the hard way that this wasent "Neon Genesis Evangelion", but rather Evangelion Battle Planet, and seeing how Shinji is treated so poorly in the series, in this world, he is one of the most ultimate fighters in the UFC championships. That and the author, being the generous guy he is, treats the employees he likes very well.)

Keitaro:(Is sent flying into the horizon) WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!? (Ting. Was a star)

Naru: Damnit...now I'll have to go find em. (Thinks) Then maybe we can be alone for a bit.. (Runs off to find out where Keitaro might have landed)

Kensuke: Alright, what kind of damned ending is that!? (Sighs with frustration) It seems Shin-man and Demon-girl are the winners.

Asuka: ALRIGHT!!

Shinji: (Smiled, and let out a soft "Booyah")

(The two then exited to grab a vicotry soda)

Kensuke: That sucked, I thought there was gonna be a big knock-down drag-out fight.

Vejita: (From the stands) WHAT!? Did you think there was gonna be some big Clash of the titans type deal!?

Kensuke: Nah...still, the fight could have gone better than that (A frying pan crashes through the window, and strikes him dead in the face, knocking him out cold)

(Stands)

Kaola: Sugoi! Your such a good shot Shinobu!

Shinobu: (blushing) I-I-It was nothing! Honestly!

Motoko: -_-

(Elsewhere by the beach)

Naru: Keitaro....(Leans in)

Keitaro: Narusegawa..(Leans in)

Makoto, The Seething-Evil-Stringy-Death-Ninja: DIE!!! (Pounces the couple)

Naru/Keitaro: GAAAAAAAAH!!!

(Makoto never had the heart to hurt a cute girl, so he quickly pounded the crap out of Keitaro, then left in a stringy ninja type way)

Keitaro: Why...is the author...bashing me so...

Ultra Super Kami Queen Rei: (Had Tama-chan sitting on her head) I do not know, but I have the over-whelming urge to send a wave of turtles at you, and laugh while doing it...

Naru: Your...kidding..

Keitaro: EVERYONES OUT OF CHARACTER! I NEVER swear in my life....GODDAMNIOT! (Clamped his mouth shut) WTF!? GAH! (Recieved a "Naru-Punch")

Naru: WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE AROUND GMMMMPH!! (Was knocked over by a wave of turtles)

Rei: (In a VERY monotone voice) Kya ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Gendo: (Had tied up Kensuke, and threw him in the corner) At least I didnt die in this episode. Maybe when the author uisint so hopped up on caffine, he'll give you guys a better show. Until then, Ja ne!


The WINNER: Makoto, The Seething-Evil-Stringy-Death-Ninja, Asuka/Shinji Ikari

Post fight rants, raves, and assorted comments.

Shinji, Asuka: (In Locker Room. Busy. We tried to send in camera crews...we havent heard from then since.)

Keitaro: I didnt really like this one..it seems so...half assed....(Naru Punched)

Naru: BAKA! Stop cursing!!

Rei: (Tama-chan still on her head) I did not enjoy this fictional...Sohryu has Ikari-kuns attentions....again..(Had picked up her Atomic Mallet, and headed for Diros' hospital room.)

(Hospital)

Diros:(Sneezes) Gah...dont tell me I'm catching a cold too!

(Eva Battle Planet Foyuer)

Naru: Everything is blown out of purportion here...is it always that way?

Gendo: You have NO idea...I normally die in all of these fics..

Kensuke: (Still tied to a chair) My....head...

Shinobu: That was fun! We should come to this show more often!

Motoko: .....

Makoto: I AM THE SEETHING-EVIL-STRINGY-DEATH-NINJA! FEAR MY WRATH!! (Got hammered by Motoko)

Motoko: THATS for my name (Thwacks him again) THATS just for your stupid name.

All: Ja Ne!




Authors indecent rambling,

I know I know. The fic was rushed, hurried, and theres gramar errors beyond any NORMAL fic, but what can I say....It's 4 am, and I finally found my missing case of Jolt Cola. LEAVE ME ALONE!! O_O The next one will be much better.


And now....OMAKE!!!

The Ultimate Yebisu Contest!

(Misato and Kitsune had already blown through over 100 cases of Yebisu beer. It seemed they were both losing the fight with consiousness. do to the EXTREME drunkeness, a special translator has been provided to untangle the jumbled drunken dronings.)

Misato: Sho, du yu gib ub?
(Translation: Do you give up?)

Kitsune: chu gutte be utto yur dame mend!
(Translation: You gotta be outta your mind!)

Misato:(Rose another to her lips, trying to talk at the same time, sending beer all over herself. Those lucky enough to be close, could get a nice view of her......assets...) I cin gi ull neet lun.
(Translation: I can go all night long)

Kitsune:(Rose one to her face, hitting her cheek instead, spilling the contents on herself as well)

Crowd: BOOBIES!!

(Both Kitsune and Misato stared at each other. 10 minutes. 20. 40. 50. An hour passes, before Misato takes a deep breath and sighs.)

Misato: geeeeeeeeeee(Lands on the ground with a thump)

Kitsune: Aww...Ey lussssssss(Thump)
(Translation: I lossss-)

Crowd: Erm....(Filed out, leaving the drunken ladies)

Kaji: (Rubbing his hands together) Eheheheheh....(Sees a shadow from above, and looks up) huh?

Makoto, The Seething-Evil-Stringy-Death-Ninja: DIIIIIEE!!!

Kaji: AHHHHHH!!



The End! We promise this time!



(Static)


Special thanks to:
The Anime Rudeboy

And NO! IM NOT PART OF THE FY! O_O (Not yet anyway...meheheh.)