Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ If I Am Normal, Are You Weird? ❯ Adult Dependence... ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter 5

Adult Dependence...

The elevator door shut, and Rei began her descent. I can't believe I'm still thinking about him. Some knight in shining armor he turned out to be. He took every illusion I had and shattered them. Illusion! Why couldn't any of it be real? Her vision began to blur. Shinji, you were everything to me. Why are you making me cry like this?

"Guy trouble?" Asuka's voice entered her thoughts from the back of the elevator. Rei hadn't even noticed that she'd been there.

A tear rolled down her cheek as she nodded.

"Oh, don't even waste your tears on that dork!" Asuka exclaimed. "I don't know what you even see in him in the first place! He's a spineless wimp who's so dense and trapped in his own world that he couldn't relate to anybody to save his life! And I should know. I live with the little idiot."

"So I gathered," said Rei. "I guess I just saw all those times he was nice to me and… I must have confused it with love."

Asuka shrugged. "Well, it's not like there aren't more eligible guys out there, you know. Tell you what, why don't you and I go shopping after work? The mall's always a good place to meet someone new."

Rei looked up. "What about all that talk about not wanting to be caught dead with someone of my poor fashion sense?"

Asuka smiled at her. "I guess I can make an exception in this case." Her smile faded. "I'm sorry that I called you a doll."

"And I'm sorry that I always used to blow you off," replied Rei.

The elevator door opened, and the two pilots walked out.

After the synchronization and harmonics tests, Misato caught up to Shinji as he trudged down the hall. "Hey, what's up, what's new, how ya doin'?" she asked lightly.

Shinji walked along in silence.

"Don't feel like talking, today?" Misato suddenly turned serious. "So, what's going on with you and Rei?" There was obviously something wrong with the both of them. Shinji's synch-ratio had gone down (much to the pleasure of Asuka, as usual), as had Rei's (much to the pleasure of Ritsuko, oddly enough). It was only until after seeing how the twosome were avoiding each other that Misato had realized what the problem was.

"Nothing," replied Shinji. "It's just… I don't know. Whenever I talk to her, it's like I'm talking to a completely different person. Like she isn't Rei, just… somebody else. She scares me."

"Oh? In what way?" asked Misato.

"Well… I guess it's the way she seems to feel about me. Asuka said that she has a crush on me, and what she said this afternoon… it was almost like I was talking to Asuka. No, that isn't right. It was like… like she was frustrated with me for not being everything she thought I was. Rei never seemed to care either way, before."

"Actually," said Mistato, "I think Rei's thought highly of you for quite awhile. She's just never been able to express it up until now. This is a difficult period for her, Shinji. She may be finding it easier to convey her feelings, but she's still inexperienced in dealing with others. You're the only person her age that she's really talked to, so I guess it's natural that she'd want to cling to you. Just remember that deep down, Rei is still who she was when you first met her."

Shinji sighed. "That's not what she told me, Misato."

The two walked the rest of the way to the parking lot in silence.

The next day Rei headed straight from home to Headquarters, reflecting on the previous day. Shopping with Asuka had been fun, but she hadn't liked any of the guys she had met. It wasn't exactly their fault, since the first thing that Rei did was to compare them to Shinji. And none of them seemed to have any of his qualities; his gentleness, his compassion, his sensitivity.

Rei sighed. Maybe it had been stupid of her to think of Shinji as some sort of gallant hero. But he should have at least acknowledged that he had some feelings for her. Maybe she had come on too strong. Or maybe I'm just imagining the whole thing, and he really doesn't care about me one way or the other.

No, she couldn't accept that. The bond that she felt with him was too strong for it to be an illusion. There had to be something. It was just like she said. He was afraid. Not necessarily of her, but afraid of getting close to people. Especially on the level that Rei had in mind.

Rei swiped her card, and was greeted by Ritsuko's evil glare. "You're late," she scolded.

"Sorry," replied Rei. "I overslept a bit."

"Oh?" frowned Ritsuko. "Staying up late, I take it?"

Rei shrugged. "I went out with Asuka."

"Is that so? And just what were you doing out with Asuka?"

"Oh, you know. Going shopping. Picking up guys. That kind of thing."

"Picking up guys. Don't you think that's a bit unfaithful?"

Rei frowned. "Unfaithful to who?"

"To Commander Ikari, of course."

Rei allowed the resentment to creep into her voice. "My life doesn't revolve solely around the commander, you know. I'm as human as everyone else that works here."

"Human!" hissed Ritsuko. "You're no more human than a…" She quickly caught herself. Right now, she was correct in her scolding, but some hysterical denouncement could easily change that. "Yes, but staying out and coming in to work late isn't exactly disciplined behavior. Do you honestly think that everyone else does that?"

"Okay," sighed Rei. "I'll try to do better next time, Doctor Akagi."

Ritsuko grunted as the two entered the elevator.

The elevator landed on a floor that was poorly lit and as dingy as anything that Rei had ever seen before. Ritsuko took her to a set of drapes. She drew them back to reveal an area that looked exactly like Rei's bedroom. Rei had seen it before, but this time, she couldn't help but notice the resemblance.

"Get undressed," ordered Ritsuko. "I'll send for the commander."

Rei's eyes widened. "Wait a minute! What do you mean you'll send for the commander? You don't mean…"

"Of course," said Ritsuko. "What's wrong? You've never had a problem with it before."

"Well, I do now, okay?" cried Rei. "I mean, can't I just wear a plug-suit or something?"

"Sorry, but that's impossible."

"Well then, what does he need to be down here for, anyway? He doesn't need to see me naked! I mean, you and I could do this by ourselves, right?"

At that moment, a small plan formed in Ritsuko's head. She could tell the commander what was going on and ask him if she could perform the upload on her own. Without supervision, she could easily destroy Rei and get a new one. The commander would never suspect…

No. He'd know. And that'd put Ritsuko in a whole lot of trouble. Then, another plan began to form in her mind. One that would prove without a doubt that this Rei would be no use to them.

She smiled at the clone. "I see what you mean. I suppose we should respect your privacy. I don't think that the commander needs to supervise this. It is a routine procedure, after all." And if you believe that, I've got some bridges that I'd like to sell you.

Meditating in the Dummy Plug System chamber was a lot like meditating in Unit 00's sim-plug. There was a consciousness just on the tip of her awareness, and her job was to touch it, merge with it… bond with it. Mentally, she reached out toward the system.

Freak.

Rei's mind recoiled. What? she thought, stunned.

Freak.

Who's saying that?

Freak.

Stop calling me that! Who are you?

Freak.

Yeah, I know you are, thought Rei acidly. She once again projected herself into the Dummy System.

Freak.

Stop saying that! Shutting her eyes tighter, she projected a mental plane and positioned herself onto it. It was a meditative trick that would allow her to see who was taunting her.

Freak. The voice was the winter wind, cold and soulless.

Rei stared into the plane's blackness. "All right, show yourself! I didn't come here to be laughed at! Who are you?"

"We are you," the voice came. "We are what you were, as you were once one of us."

Rei stared in horror as her own mirror image stepped out of the darkness, nude and unashamed.

Freak.

Rei gasped and turned to run away... only to find herself staring at yet another version of herself.

Freak.

The clones began to appear, one by one, out of the darkness, staring at her in contempt, each chanting one word.

Freak.

Freak.

Freak.

Freak.

Rei covered her ears in anguish. "Stop it!" she screamed. She broke contact as fast as she could and forced her eyes open.

Commander Ikari was staring at her bare form.

Rei screamed. "What is he doing here? Stop it! Stop looking at me, you pervert! You aren't supposed to be here!"

The commander's fists were jammed in his pockets...

Freak...

His eyes were hot through his rose-tinted glasses...

Freak...

He smirked at her nudity...

Freak...

...as Ritsuko's jealous eyes were trapped in the darkness of the Dummy Plug System's shadow.

"Go away!" cried Rei. "You're sick! Stop looking at me like that!"

"Increase LCL pressure," Gendo ordered Ritsuko. "I don't feel like listening to this... noise."

"Yes, sir," replied Ritsuko.

Rei choked as she felt the oxygen squeeze from her lungs, and then blackness took her.

She awoke slowly, at first unaware of where she was. Then, as she became fully awake, she realized that she was lying on her own bed, at home. For a while she lay there, wondering how it was that she had gotten home. The last thing that she had remembered was the Dummy Plug System's rejection of her, and then opening her eyes to see him watching her.

Rei turned on her side and curled up into a fetal position. Why had she survived, she wondered as her stomach began to constrict. Why couldn't she have just died and saved herself the agony? She shivered. Never before had she felt this alone. First rejected by Shinji, then despised by Ritsuko, and now sullied... by the very person she'd believed in as a father figure.

She got out of her bed and went to the mirror. She had to be able to look at herself. She had to reaffirm that she was a good person, despite all that had happened, and that she was just a normal human being.

But when she gazed into the mirror, all she could see was a clone. A pale-blue haired, red-eyed monster; a parody of a human being. If she were killed, it wouldn't be murder, it would be a disposal. If she died, they wouldn't hold a funeral, they'd merely recycle her body.

Her vision began to blur. Commander Ikari didn't love her, and why should he? She was nothing but a tool to further his own plans. How could she have even thought of passing herself off as normal? "I'm a freak," she whispered as the tears ran down her cheek. "I'm a freak." Unable to bear her reflection any longer, she covered her eyes with her hands. "I'm a freak!" With that stark realization, she ran into the bedroom.

The cell-phone gazed at her from her nightstand. Rei's fingers flew over it on their own accord, pushing buttons frantically before she even realized what she was doing. It was only until after the first ring that she stopped to question herself. What right did she have to ask for this? She was nothing, and wasn't even worthy to look at him, much less ask a favor. But he was the only one that she could turn to. Maybe even the only one who'd actually understand what she felt right now.

The phone clicked. "Hi, you've reached Misato's!" Misato's slightly-tipsy voice came from the answering machine. "I'm not here right now, so wait for the beep and leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can! Buh-bye!"

Rei swallowed. "Shinji? Shinji, I..."

"...really need someone to talk to, and you were at the top of a really short list."

Shinji listened to Rei's thick voice with wide eyes as she conveyed her message over the answering machine. "I just..." She sniffled. "I just want to talk to you, okay? It's about your father. He... look, if you're there, just pick up. Please? Oh God, Shinji, don't flake out on me this time." Shinji listened to the awkward silence that followed. "I see. Well... I guess I shouldn't have expected you to answer. Sorry to have bothered you." There was a small click as Rei hung up.

"What the hell is your problem?" Shinji jumped at Asuka's screech. He whirled to see both Asuka and Misato standing there. Misato was frowning, her eyes contemptuous of Shinji's cowardice.

But if Misato's stare was contemptuous, then Asuka's words were downright damning. "I can't believe you just stood there while she pleaded for help! She was right there, crying over the phone, and you couldn't even pick up? If I'm ever drowning in a lake, remind me not to bother to ask for your help, Third Child, because I sure as hell won't get any!"

Shinji slowly began to tear up. "But... but I..."

"'But you' what?" continued Asuka. "Do you think that you're too good to talk to Rei? Like just because she acknowledges the fact that she's attracted to you that she's some sort of freak? You should be thankful that she even talks to you, let alone likes you."

"Shinji," said Misato. "Remember the first time you piloted Unit 01? Well, this is the same thing."

"What do you mean?" asked Shinji. "This isn't about defeating an Angel."

"Neither was piloting Eva," replied Misato. "It was about saving Rei. I saw it. You didn't care if the world would end, wild horses wouldn't drag you into that Evangelion. But when you saw that they were going to make Rei pilot it and probably die in the attempt, your first concern became for her safety. This time is no different."

"Yes it is!" cried Shinji. "Rei's changed so much since then!"

"Has she really?" asked Misato. "She's always been in need of someone to care about her. And she's always admired you. Anyone with eyes could see that. But more importantly, you feel for her as well. If you don't at least attempt to talk to her, you'll just be running away from your feelings again. You have to confront them."

"Enough of this!" snapped Asuka. She stormed over to Shinji and grabbed him by his collar. "Listen to me, you idiot! If you don't go over to Rei's house this instant and see what's the matter, I'll never forgive you. Do you understand me? And if you think I'm bad now, wait until you see me when I'm really pissed!"

Shinji swallowed at Asuka's statement. It all came down to one question: Who was he more afraid of? An angry Asuka, or an unfamiliar Rei? But with the former staring him directly in the face, it was an easy decision. "Okay, okay!" he cried. "I'll go over and see what's wrong!"

Without so much as a "thank you," Asuka roughly let go of him and practically shoved him out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

The noise of machinery filled Shinji's ears as he walked up to Rei's apartment. Every bone in his body screamed at him to run away. What good was he going to do here? He couldn't even come to grips with his own hatred of his father, not to mention Rei's recent personality switch. He certainly wasn't going to make things any better, and he might end up making things even worse. With his thoughts weighing heavily on his mind, he pressed the doorbell.

Nothing. No footsteps. No sounds from within. Oh, well, thought Shinji. He turned to leave... when a memory abruptly surfaced.

"I liked you! Couldn't you understand that?"

He had to try again.

Once more, he rang the doorbell. This time, he heard the slow, almost heavy gait of a person coming to the door. With each step they grew louder, the sound of a hammer nailing him to a cross. And then the door opened.

Rei simply stood there, gazing at him. Her face was as haggard as it had ever been, and her whites were nearly indistinguishable from her irises. Yet as she stood staring at him, her eyes once again began to tear up. But her mouth, by contrast, was beginning to twist into a small smile. "Come in," was all she said, but the warmth in her voice spoke all the words that she wanted to say.

Wordlessly, Shinji entered the complex. As he walked through the kitchen space, he gazed at the apartment in awe. The grime had been washed off of the walls. The boxes containing her old bandages were gone. Everything was neat and orderly. Even the pitcher of water looked cleaner and more clear than it ever had.

"I... uh... I got your message," Shinji began. It was as good a place to start as any. He looked at her. "Um... do you mind? I mean..."

Rei plopped down on the bed. "No, that's okay," she said, anticipating him. She quickly looked away, avoiding his gaze. "Shinji... your fa... the commander," she amended. The last person she wanted to think of him as was one of Shinji's relatives. "He... how do I say this?" She sighed. "He saw me naked."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "What?"

Rei lay back on the bed and turned on her side. "I'm so embarrassed!" she cried. "I mean, do you have any idea what it's like to have the person you thought of as a parent standing there looking at you like you're some sort of... object?" She sniffled. "Like you're not even a human being, just some tool for someone else's own desires? I've never felt so worthless in my entire life! And now I'll have to face him every day for as long..." She trailed off. "Why am I still alive? I wish I was dead!" she sobbed.

Shinji sat down on the bed next to her. "I'm sorry." It was the only thing he could say to her. His old conditioned reflexes mouthing that cursed phrase for him.

Rei sat up. "No, don't be. I'm the one who should be apologizing to you. I expected you to be some sort of true love who would accept me for who... what I am. You don't owe anything to a useless little freak like me."

Shinji's eyes widened. And then, everything he had ever said about himself, everything that he had thought, came out at once. "That's not true!" he cried. His vision began to blur with hot tears. Rei looked at him, startled by his vehement tone. "You're not the one who's useless. I am! You've been nothing but nice to me this whole time, and I've treated you like dirt! You've had every right to be mad at me." He wiped his tears away and took a long look at her. "Rei, I... I'm scared of how much you've changed. It's hard for me to adapt to your new personality. And I'm even more scared of how you feel toward me. But it's not your fault. It's... it's me. I don't know how to react to it. I don't even know how to comfort you when you're sad like this."

Rei took his hand, and Shinji made a conscious effort not to snatch it away. "Why don't you try smiling?" she said.

Shinji remembered the words. It was the same thing he had told her after Operation Yashima. And he did just that.

And Rei smiled back at him. Then, she threw her arms around his waist and buried her cheek in his chest.

This time, Shinji didn't shy away. He lightly draped his arms over her back and squeezed gently, knowing that what he was doing was right.