Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ What Kind of Sickness is This? ❯ Chapter 1 ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

What Kind of Sickness is This?

By Lord Raa

Part 1

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Disclaim-me-do: What a coincidence, my hovercraft is also full of eels.

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Rei was not happy. Her most cherished possession was missing.

“Where is it? I was not careless enough to leave it out last night,” she frowned. “If Shinji-kun finds out that I am no longer in possession of it, he will be most upset.”

Asuka walked up to the First Child with her usual arrogant smirk. “Hey First, what's got you so upset?”

“An item of great importance is missing, Pilot Sohryu. It is imperative that I retrieve it quickly,” Rei said with a tone of urgency that no-one had heard before.

“And this item is?” Asuka asked, wondering what entertainment value could be had by teasing the distraught girl in front of her.

“A collection of nude photography.”

“That all?” the redhead rolled her eyes. “I'm sure that you can get all the porn you want from the internet.”

“This is not pornography, it is erotica,” Rei corrected. “And the subject is Shinji-kun.”

“Like I said, you can get all the nudie pictures you want from the internet. Just log on to either nakedbaka.com or spyingonshinji.org,” the Second Child was beginning to wonder what her fellow pilot's problem was.

“I already have an extensive library of candid and illicitly-taken photographs of Shinji-kun,” the blue haired girl sighed.

“So what IS the problem?”

“I convinced Shinji-kun to pose for a series of photographs on the condition that I kept it under lock and key. I fear that if I allow others to come into possession of it, he would leave Tokyo-3 and become a monk, or worse - commit suicide.”

Asuka blanched. “T-that would be bad.”

“Especially if either of us were blamed,” Rei said, waving a finger. “We would be no match for the resultant Promethean Rageâ„¢.”

A noise from the doorway caught their attention.

“Bollocks!” Rei cursed. “Someone else knows about my secret treasure stash. Pilot Sohryu, you must assist me in retrieving my erotica.”

“What's in it for me?” Asuka asked as she examined her finger nails in mock boredom.

“I will allow you an hour to browse the collection in the privacy of your own room.”

“Three, if it's as good as you say it is.”

“An hour and a half.”

“Two and a half.”

“Two and that is my final offer. I can always get assistance from another,” Rei half threatened.

“Fine, two hours it is,” Asuka grudgingly agreed. “Now let's find out who that was.”

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Maya Ibuki ran as fast as her legs could carry her. `Sempai must know about this!'

The young Lieutenant burst into her mentor's office and relayed her findings.

“Try that again, this time slow enough for me to understand you,” the blonde admonished gently.

“Sempai, there's a collection of naked photos of Shinji-kun!” Maya repeated.

“Tell me something I don't know,” Ritsuko smiled. “I was looking at some just this morning.”

“Shinji-kun posed for these ones!”

“Posed? As in he agreed to let someone take pictures of his glorious birthday suit?” the Doctor asked, now she was getting excited.

“That's what Rei said. But he can't know that we know about them,” Ibuki warned. “Apparently Shinji might do something drastic if they get out in the open.”

“That's not the way forward!” Ritsuko declared. “We must find the treasure before someone less scrupulous than us does!”

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Misato really hated Parent-Teacher conferences, especially when the teachers kept hitting on her.

“So then, Miss Katsuragi, are you free this weekend?” a gym teacher by the name of Akira Saito asked.

“Sorry, I've got plans with Shinji-kun,” the Captain smiled.

“Nothing improper, I hope!” Shinji's maths teacher, a young woman by the name of Motoko Hayashi interrupted. “Shinji-kun's grades are slipping. He's in danger having to take remedial lessons.”

Misato frowned. “Are you telling me that I shouldn't spend time with my friend Shinji-kun?”

“I'm just saying that perhaps your apartment isn't as conducive to study as it could be,” the short brunette said.

The Captain would have glared, but she caught the mousy woman's eyes flitting to her bust. `You're just jealous that I've got these to entice Shinji,' she thought smugly.

“Perhaps you're right,” Misato nodded. “I think a break away from Tokyo-3 would be good for Shinji. I'll take him to a hot spring instead if my original plan of watching that Godzilla movie marathon.”

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Shinji felt nervous as he walked home from the convenience store. The way the two policewomen were looking at him suggested that they thought he was shoplifter.

“Excuse me, young man, but should you really be out here on your own?”

“I live just over there,” Shinji replied pointing to the apartment block a short distance away.

“Hmm,” the one in the passenger seat nodded dubiously. “Perhaps we should escort you there, just to ensure your safety.”

“I don't want to be a bother,” Shinji said.

“It's part of our duty,” the driver insisted. “I'm Officer Kawamitsu, and this is Officer Sawarutori. What's yours?”

“Shinji Ikari.”

“That name sounds familiar…” Officer Sawarutori trailed off. “I know where I heard it before! We have standing orders to make sure that you're returned to NERV headquarters when you're seen wandering the streets!”

“B-but I wasn't,” Shinji insisted. “I was just getting the things I needed for dinner. I have to get it ready for when Misato-san comes back from Parent's Evening.”

“I'm sorry, Ikari-kun, but orders are orders. Please come with us.”

Before Shinji could protest further, he was cuffed and bundled into the back of the police car.

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Misato was leaving the school's main building when her mobile rang.

“Katsuragi here.”

“Â¬Captain Katsuragi, Pilot Ikari has been brought in to NERV by the police. He claims that it was because he was shopping for groceries. He mentioned that he had to make dinner before you returned. Is this the case?Â¬” a female Section Two agent asked.

Misato blinked. “Yes. Why? Did people think he was running away again?”

“Â¬Yes.Â¬”

There was a faint voice in the background at the NERV end of the conversation.

Misato nearly put her car keys through the driver's side window when she heard “Â¬WHAT? There are photos where Shinji's actually posing for the camera?!Â¬”

“Pardon?”

“Â¬Sorry Captain, something's come up here.Â¬”

Misato's request for more information was cut off by the dial tone. “Damn, and today was my day off. Wait, nudie Shinji pics? I'm there!”

Moments later and Misato was speeding to the Geo-front.

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Rei scanned the corridor for evidence of the rarest of all her Shinji erotica. “Damn,” she cursed softly, “there's no sign of it anywhere.”

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Asuka was following up on another lead, so she was heading in the opposite direction to her fellow pilot. Her gut instinct told her that Ritsuko was the pervert she was looking for.

“That old hag never could keep her hands of that baka.”

Unfortunately, her investigative instinct was hampered by a hatred of the bottle blonde scientist and the appearance of a guilty looking Kaji.

Not that the spy ever looking innocent.

“Hi there, Kaji!” the redhead gushed.

“Asuka,” the unshaven man nodded. “What's up?”

“I was looking for something, but how about we go on a date instead?”

“Pilot Sohryu, you are neglecting your duties as per our agreement. The deal is off,” Rei scolded from behind the long haired man.

“What are you talking about, Rei?” asked Kaji.

“Pilot Sohryu was supposed to be assisting me in searching for an important item, not flirting with you,” the blue haired girl answered with a glare that was directed at her former ally. “It is imperative that I recover it before it falls into the wrong hands.”

“I see,” the man nodded. “It wouldn't be this collection named `Shinji Erotica', would it?”

“How did you know of its existence?” Rei demanded.

“SEELE heard whispers that there was something that could be used as leverage on the Third Child,” Gendo answered as he approached his favourite pilot. “So it is true. I didn't raise you to indulge in such perversions, Rei.”

“My apologies, Commander,” the First Child bowed. “But it would have taken an enormous amount of effort to convince him to cosplay as Sailor Moon.”

“Did you not pay attention in your lessons?” the bearded man bellowed. “Alcohol is the key to such kinky sex games.”

“Shinji's seen Misato drunk too often to try booze,” Asuka countered, “otherwise I would have tried it.”

“Bah,” the Commander snorted. “Uncle Happosai would be so very disappointed in you, Rei. You have one last chance to corrupt the Third Child. Fail and you will no longer be my student.”

“Sir!” the blue haired girl bowed. “I will bring honour to your teachings.”

“We shall see, Rei, we shall see.”

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Shinji waited patiently for his guardian in the Section Two office. He sort of understood why he was handcuffed, though the nice lady wouldn't tell him why it was necessary to restrain him with his hands above his head and his shirt open.

He was glad to see a familiar head of purple hair walk in, though the gleam in her eyes did make him nervous.

“M-misato-san?”

“You weren't trying to make me worry, were you Shin-chan?” she pouted.

“No,” the pilot shook his head vigorously. “I was going to make tonkatsu for dinner when these policewomen brought me in. they said something about standing orders…”

The Captain nodded. “Don't worry about that right now, Shin-chan. Let's get you out of here. I've got some good news about this weekend.”

“You have?” Shinji asked as he rubbed his wrists.

“Yep, we're going to a hot spring resort, just you and me. Won't that be nice?” Misato asked as she wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Yeah.”

The departing pair never saw the unpleasant look on the face of the Section Two agent.

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Ritsuko had left Maya to search the computer system for evidence of these fabled images when she'd heard that Shinji had been brought in by the police.

She made her way to Section Two's office and saw something that made her angry:-Misato was practically hanging of her Special Test Subject.

Biting back a scathing remark that was completely unwarranted, she sauntered up to Shinji.

“Hello there, Shinji-kun. Are you ok? You weren't manhandled were you?”

“Oh, hello, Dr. Akagi,” the pilot put on a brave smile. “I'm fine, I was about to make dinner, would you like to come over? I'm making tonkatsu.”

Ritsuko's smile grew. “I'd love to, Shinji-kun. I'll bring over something that'll go well with your cooking.”

“You're not planning to get my Shin-chan drunk, are you?” Misato accused. She knew that the blonde's plan would fail, Shinji seemed to think that alcohol was bad.

“No, not at all,” Ritsuko lied. “I just thought that it would be a good opportunity for Shinji to broaden his palate with a subtle red wine.”

Misato said nothing, but the scientist could clearly see that she wasn't happy with that idea. “Fine, no booze for Shinji, are you happy?”

“Yes,” the Captain nodded. “And no narcotics, either.”

“Damn. I mean `what kind of woman do you think I am'?” the blonde corrected herself.

Shinji and Misato sweat-dropped at the slip. “We'd better get going, Shinji, I need to talk to you about your grades.”

Shinji looked sheepish. “Sorry, Misato-san. I didn't mean to make you worry.”

“Don't worry, I'm sure that I can properly motivate you,” the purple haired lovely purred.

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To be continued…?

Well this originally started out as an omake idea for Sausages, but the more I thought about it, the more wanted to be written.

Good thing? Bad thing? I just don't know anymore.

This wasn't pre-read, and it probably shoes.

You know what to do to complain.

This will have to do until I get my arse in gear and write something that looks more appealing to you.