Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Yesterday's Girl ❯ Chapter 1

It was so long ago now. The whole thing seemed like a faded photograph to Shinji. A distant memory with little meaning or substance in his modern-day life. It was a ghost to him. Neither here nor there.

 

And yet… He remembered her. Her fiery red hair, like that of some sort of ancient goddess. Her sapphire blue eyes, so clear and pristine that they looked like candies that could be scooped up and eaten. Her fair and elegant skin. Royal skin. A princess' skin. (He often wondered how that skin felt.)

 

Her personality matched her hair. Explosive and constantly thinking. Reaching out in every direction for something new to be absorbed and studied. Always moving forward. As in art, as in life. He remembered, very clearly, that smirk he would see on her face from time to time. How her lips would curl up into the most peculiar shape. That facial expression always made Shinji feel… Light. Like a feather caught in a strong draft, surrounded by a swirling and powerful torrent of emotion.

 

He talked about Asuka like he loved her.

 

But didn't he…? He pulled the trigger, didn't he?

 

After the accident, he often told himself it never happened. It was all a sick fantasy. Some thought that would grip your mind occasionally, but you would always disregard it as impractical and dangerous. He told himself that it wasn't him… (No, it wasn't him.) That she wasn't real and that the disastrous results of that attempted relationship wasn't real, either. After repeating this to himself over and over again in the months after the incident, he almost found himself believing it. The only thing that stopped him from fully taking in this lie was the short newspaper article about it. (Which he clipped out and kept for some reason.)

 

And as Shinji lay in his bed, some twenty years later, next to the warmness of his wife, he almost found himself believing that lie.

 

----

 

It was October, Shinji remembered, the day he first met Rei. He was still a freshman in college, yet he had gathered enough information about the campus in the passed months to know his way around. He couldn't be sure, but he thought it was a Thursday. Either way, he had met her in an almost typical fashion.

 

The thing he first noticed about her was how out of place she looked. Her blue hair, red eyes, and snow-white paleness were incredibly unusual, given the environment. The way she walked and looked around led Shinji to the conclusion (a correct one) that she was new. Within the next couple of days, Shinji discovered he had several classes with her. He quickly became fascinated with the young girl. Taking long glances at her when she wasn't looking. Digging up as much information about her from other sources as possible. Soon, Shinji realized that their relationship was developing the same way his last had. He didn't want it to end that way. He wanted it better, this time. Shinji decided to build up as much courage as he had in order to actually ask her out. To actually pursue a normal relationship. It took him a week to do so, but eventually he did begin to relate with her causally. A simple friendship soon developed into something more serious, very quickly.

 

The two clicked, simply put. It wasn't so much an emotional connection as it was a more practical one. They understood each other, more then anyone else before had. They found a common ground together. Shinji and Rei, when they where together, understood themselves more. It was very simple. They made each other feel complete.

 

Isn't that what love is all about?

 

----

 

Some time later…

 

----

 

It was Friday, and a beautiful spring day outside. It was around lunch time that Shinji called up Rei, who worked across town as a secretary, and asked her if she wanted to maybe go out later today. Do something nice. They hadn't done anything overly romantic like that in quite some time.

 

After they both got off work, around four o'clock that day, they met half-way in the park. Rei was still in her work clothes. Something about those suit-pants and small, black firmed glasses attracted Shinji to her even more.

 

Rei followed Shinji's eyes, “What are you looking at?”

 

Shinji smiled, “Looking at you. Where else would I be looking?”

 

Rei let out a small giggle, “That's what I thought.”

 

The whole area was brimming with life. Shinji's eyes couldn't help but to wonder to various other young couples strolling the area. The blooming flowers, the light breeze. The whole thing was… romantic.

 

“What inspired this rendezvous?” Rei broke Shinji's train of thought.

 

“I don't know. I just realized that we hadn't done anything like this in a while. I figured we where do an evening together.” Shinji spoke with a slight skip in his voice.

 

“An evening?” Rei questioned.

 

“Yeah. You didn't have something else planned did you?”

 

“No. What did you have planed after this stroll in the park?”

 

“I don't know. A restaurant maybe. A nice leisurely dinner. Then maybe we could go home, and… Um…”

 

Shinji laughed and Rei laughed along with him. Shinji didn't hear her laugh often, he admitted. But when it did hear it, he treasured it. Rei's laugh was light and child-like. Beautiful in it's own unique way.

 

“And what else?” Rei finished Shinji's thought.

 

“Maybe have some together time.” Shinji softly whispered.

 

“Hmm, I think I'd liked that.”

 

The two continued to stroll through the picturesque park, chatting about pointless bullshit. The way it was often. Work and other topics were discussed back and forth between the two on an almost daily basis. For most people this would produce nothing but boredom and contempt in Shinji, but with Rei it was different. The same-old, same-old was comforting. It was around this time that Shinji remembered the bottle of pills in his jacket pocket. They were pills for depression, a medication. Shinji had been abusing it for about a year now. When he felt moments of great stress, he would pop one and he would feel a lot better. He was pretty sure Rei didn't know he was abusing them. She would see him throw a few pills into his mouth every once and awhile, but he didn't think she knew that he was using them without a prescription.

 

But there was time when Shinji had his doubts about that.

 

But Shinji always had doubts.

 

His mind quickly ran away from the thought of the pills though. It was a happy time and not a time to focus on such depressing issue.

 

“Today was rough. Ikuja made me type up this document that was seventy-some pages long. Frustrating.” Rei chitchatted.

 

“Bosses can be like that.” Shinji offered strange optimism.

 

Rei continued to talk when Shinji noticed something.

 

Something… Strange. It was like a smell that he hadn't felt in years wafted up to him. Deep thoughts started to reappear in Shinji's mind. He quickly looked to the left were he saw a small and bright flash of red.

 

Red…? Crimson red. Lava red. Goddess red.

 

Wait… How can that…? That's not possible. Is it? Is…

 

Shinji found his feet moving on autopilot. He races off the path after the flash of red. He didn't think about what Rei's reaction would be. He didn't… Care?

 

That's not like him at all.

 

The flash of red in the distance grew larger and larger and until…

 

That's not possible. That can't be who I think it is. It's not possible! She's dead and buried in the ground for almost twenty years now. Her body was buried in an unmarked grave in the forest and the only thing in it now is bone and dust. Asuka is dead, Shinji! Has been for a long time! She's not coming back! Fucking dead! You buried the stun-gun in her face yourself, you saw her shake and convulse and DIE! YOU FUCKING KILLED HER, YOU GODDAMN MURDERER!!! She died right there in front of you and then you cried for three hours before you cut up the body and buried it! She's gone! People don't come back! It's over and there's no such thing as…

 

Second chances.

 

Shinji's hands touched the shoulder of the redheaded girl. She turned around and all of Shinji's fears began to realize themselves right in front of him.

 

“Do I know you?” The strange redheaded girl asked.

 

She was holding a snow cone in her hands. Wearing a pretty yellow sundress. A blue bow was tied in her hair. She looked about twelve years old. Younger then since the last time Shinji saw her. No, Shinji's never seen this girl before.

 

Right?

 

The man behind the girl, presumably her father, turned to Shinji.

 

“Sir?” He asked.

 

Shinji shook off the fear, “I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

 

Rei caught up with Shinji. “Shinji, what's wrong? Are you all right?” She was worried about him.

 

Shinji had developed a headache. He removed the pills from his pocket and popped two in his mouth. As this happened, the man wrapped his arms around the red haired girl and the two walk away.

 

“Never mind. Where were we?” Shinji stated and smiled at Rei.

 

For just a moment Shinji saw something in Rei's eyes something that he hadn't seen in years. A sense of fear? Doubt? Shinji never could figure out what that look was. He had only seen it on Rei's face twice before. When he asked her to marry her and when they made love for the first time. Was that a… Hopeless look?

 

What difference did it make?

 

Moments later the two were talking again like nothing happened. Even though, Shinji was talking normally, the thought of the red haired girl was still in his mind. Just before him and Rei exited the park he turned around one more time and caught a far-off glimpse of the yellow sun-dress.

 

Her eyes were blue. Sapphire blue.

 

----

 

It was a nice meal, really. Shinji and Rei stopped by at one of those high-class stake houses that get really into themes. The tea was pretty decent. Really it was a fine meal, but that wasn't the problem. Shinji tried to make small talk, tried to act like he gave a shit about all of Rei's little problems. (And he does, of course. He's the husband, he has to care, that's he's job, damn it. To give a shit.) No, it's not so much the fact that he didn't want to talk with Rei and have a nice and calm evening. No, it couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

Where did she come from? Who was she? What was her name? Didn't Shinji overhear the other man call her something? What was it? Oh, damn. Was she as young as she looked? Maybe she was older? Was this just some strange coincidence? No, it had to mean something! He knew it had too. What…

 

“Shinji, are you all right?” Rei chimed in, breaking the flow of Shinji's thoughts.

 

“What? I'm fine, why do you asked?” Shinji lied.

 

“You've been acting strange all evening. Like you've been lost deep in thought. You've been acting strange ever since the park… And that girl.” The last part of the sentence seemed to be spoken with a strange mixture of spite and regret.

 

Rei looked up at Shinji with “that look” again for the second time that evening. Shinji was filled with rage, for just a moment. He wanted to fly across the table and smack her across the face. What are you looking at me like that? What the hell is wrong with you? It's not what you think it is! You don't understand! How could you?

 

Of course, Shinji did no such thing. He simply sucked himself up.

 

Rei continue in her own way, “Shinji, is there something you're not telling me?”

 

Shinji thought for a long time. Should he tell her? Could he tell her? Why should he say anything? It was so long ago. It didn't have any relevance. Rei didn't need to know. Shouldn't know. What good would it do to tell her? All it would do is drive her away from him. No. Shinji couldn't loose Rei. Not now. Despite all this strangeness he needed her.

 

For a moment, he almost told her about Asuka. But…

 

“It's just that girl remind me of someone… Someone I was… Dating… Before I met you. Long before. Someone I cared a lot for. But it wasn't her. I was just… Bothered by it. It unnerved me. I'm sorry if I've been acting strange”

 

It felt good to get the truth out. Even if was only a half-truth. Rei seem to think about what he said before responding.

 

“This girl reminds you of your first love?” Rei almost whispered.

 

This amused Shinji for some reason. He had never thought about it that way.

 

“Yeah, I guess she was. It didn't end well. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to ruin the evening.”

 

Rei touch Shinji's hand and smiled up at him with those big puppy-dog eyes. God, she was so cute. Shinji wanted her, right here on the restaurant table. It was so endearing.

 

It's amazing. Only moments ago he wanted to slap her around, and now he wanted to have nasty, wild sex with her in public. The human mind is a bizarre organism.

 

Minutes later the server brought the check around and the two returned to regular conversation.

 

----

 

“Shinji… Oh… Shinji, let me…”

 

Rei gasping, shaped speech didn't mean a whole lot to Shinji. He didn't hear her by now. He had been pumping into her for about forty minutes now and was tired. He was ready to release and go to sleep.

 

The sex wasn't fun. It had stop being interesting for about a four months now. Rei never wanted to try anything new. Always the missionary position. Man on top, girl on bottom. Forcefully penetrate. Insert Peg A into Slot B. Repeat.

 

“Shinji.. Oh, Lord… I'm going to come, soon.. Oh-oh-oh-oh…”

 

Soon Rei broke out into a low toned moan that she always made to signified orgasm. Shinji let down the barrier and had his own orgasm. He closed his eyes and a slight pleasure filled him. Only the pleasure of relief. The two finished and Shinji removed himself, feeling sweaty, unfulfilled, and kinda' pissed off.

 

He lied down next to her. She crawled over on to his chest and kissed him.

 

“That was nice. I love you.” Rei whispered.

 

“Love you, too, dear.” The response was mechanical, lacking passion. Like the sex.

 

Shinji lied there, looking at the ceiling. He was trying to put that unsatisfied feeling behind him and looked forward to the peace of sleep. The steady breathing of his wife also led him to believe that she was asleep. Which made Shinji even more surprised when she spoke to him.

 

“You didn't enjoy that, did you?”

 

Shinji was a little surprise by this statement. Mostly because it was true and very astute.

 

“Yeah, I didn't really enjoy it.” Shinji kept this at a low tone. To keep it a dirty, little secret. I mean, is the wife supposed to know the husband doesn't enjoy sex with her anymore?

 

“I'm being selfish. I'm sorry. Only thinking about myself. What can I do?” Rei prop herself up and look him in the eyes.

 

Shinji thought of a tactful way to say this and decided just to go for the truth. “You don't even give me oral sex anymore.”

 

Rei blushed. “Would you like if I did that?”

 

“Well, yes. I mean, our sex life seems very unexciting. We don't try new things.”

 

Rei continue to look embarrassed. “What would you like to try?”

 

Shinji was beginning to become embarrassed himself. “We could try… Anal, possible. Maybe some role-playing or something different.”

 

Rei eyes grew wide with shock. “Oh, my, Shinji. I don't know about that.”

 

“Well, what would you be willing to try?” Shinji was becoming fed up.

 

“Shinji, I'd be willing to try something if you wanted too. It's just a little shocking. If you wanted these things, why didn't you say so?”

 

Why didn't I say so? Do you think I could have said so, women? What would have your reaction been if I just blurted out at one point that I wanted to fuck you in the ass? The same damn thing! You would have said no either way! Why didn't I say so? Because you would have shot me down no matter what!

 

Shinji said instead, “Maybe we could try something new, tomorrow.”

 

“Tomorrow? I don't know Shinji. Let's see. I work tomorrow.” Rei lied back down. “Let me sleep on it.”

 

Shinji lied down as well. He faced her back, with his hand on her shoulder. “Good-night, love.” It sounded fake. He didn't mean it to sound fake.

 

Shinji's last thought before he drifted off to sleep was about how much he wished his wife wasn't such a stupid prudish bitch. In the morning he ended up feeling guilty about that and apologized for the whole evening.

 

He dreamed about Asuka.

 

----

 

Shinji awoke to the sound of running shower water. Rei was usually up before he was. Maybe that was just one of the little reasons why he always resented her. Just a little, mind you. It was nothing big, but he did resent her. She was always smarter then him, always a better student then him, always a better worker. Always more… committed. It made him angry, sometimes. It can't be healthy for a man to feel this way about his wife.

 

He did still love her, right?

 

He had to. “Until Death Do Us Part.” He signed up for it.

 

The water shut off and Shinji figured he should probably get up. Wouldn't want the wife to realize how lazy he was.

 

It was about this time all the guilt from the night before came flooding back. He quickly gave Rei his little speech about how sorry he was for acting like an ass. She seemed to shrug it off. A night of sleep seemed to take away any problems she had. It wasn't a big deal, apparently.

 

Of course, not to her, it wasn't.

 

Fucking whatever.

----

 

Shinji was getting fat. He sat around at a desk all day, ate lunch from the snack machine, and the only exercise he ever got was stamping forms. He had developed a gut over the past year and didn't have any energy. He knew if he didn't start doing something about it, it would only get worse. But the whole lack of energy thing kinda' put a cramp on the doing anything about it thing. As Shinji eye himself in the bathroom mirror, he only felt crappier.

 

Shit, he had things to do. Self-loath later, focus on getting to work on time now.

 

As Shinji showered, brushed he's teeth, and it ate his nutritious breakfast from a toaster, he tried to think of exercise he could squeeze into his tight work schedule. He could walk to work. Yeah, eat one of those energizing nutrion bars on the walk to work.

 

Gee, was it a good idea to eat and walk at the same time? Wouldn't that give him cramps? Couldn't work with cramps.

 

Well, maybe he could sneak off to the gym after work? Would Rei approve? Well, why wouldn't she? Wouldn't she like to see her husband thinner and healthier? Or would that cut into their together time? I guess it would. He could hear her now. “Are you trying to avoid?” God, was Rei really that aggravating? Or was Shinji just imaging it? It was hard to tell. On the weekends, maybe he could get a jog in. That would be a good idea. Yeah, he could jog up and down the block every morning, Saturday and Sunday. That was, what? Four miles? That could help.

 

Yeah… He should do that

 

Hmm, not today.

 

----

 

The white walls of isolation where closing in on Shinji. “The white walls of isolation are closing in on me.” Just something Shinji wrote down on a sheet of paper and stuck to the printer. What did that mean? No, just some thought that wonder into Shinji's head. Didn't mean anything.

 

At least, he didn't think. He hoped it didn't.

 

“The white walls are closing in on me.”

 

The white walls are closing in…

 

The white walls will crush me, soon enough.

 

“When they close in…”

 

When they close in…

 

No, more…

 

Closing in on me.

 

That's the end, when they close in.

 

And there's no escape?

 

Shinji shook off the feeling of sickness. He had work to do.

 

No time for any of that… Foolishness.

 

Asuka. I don't want Rei, anymore. I have no sexual appetite for Rei. I want the red hair, the light tan, the adventure, the exploration. The excitement.

 

He wanted to fuck Asuka in the ass.

 

But Asuka's dead, right?

 

No, she's come back to me, and now I want her more then ever. I never did have her the first time. I'm stronger now. That sick, little confused teenage boy isn't here anymore. I'm stronger then that. And I want her. And I can take her. And she'll be all mine. Oh, god, I bet her skin is as soft as new fallen snow. Oh, God, I hope so.

 

No, that's crazy talk. Asuka's dead and she's not coming back. You pulled the trigger, remember? You can't let yourself forget that. She's dead because of you. You can't ever forget that, Shinji. Asuka Langley Donvakov is dead because you pulled the trigger and she's not coming back.

 

Right…?

 

Shinji checked his watch. It was only ten o'clock. God, it felt so much later then that. Do you think the Boss would notice if he left work an hour earlier? Shinji wipe the thick cloud of sweat that had gathered at his forehead. Yes, he could leave an hour earlier, maybe.

 

He had to make sure. He owed it to himself and to Rei. At the very least he owed it to himself. He had to make sure what was real and what was fantasy. He had to make sure, just once. Just one good look at the girl and he would know for sure and that would be enough.

 

He owed at least that much to himself.

 

Shinji was getting behind work.

----

 

Shinji went straight home that night. He didn't have the courage to do this something for himself that he needed to do.

 

Not yet…

 

----

 

“I have good news, Shinji?”

 

“What is it, Rei?”

 

“I asked for Wednesday off.”

 

“I'm off that day.”

 

Rei sat down across from Shinji on the opposite of the table. Both of them were munching on something simple and easy to cook that Rei picked up from the market. It was getting late, almost seven, but it was still warm outside. They still had a window open. It would be cold soon, though, and they would have to close that window.

 

“I know.”

 

“Why did you ask for Wednesday off?”

 

Rei was still wearing her business clothes. Brown pantsuit and the glasses. Those always made her look so cute. Shinji didn't hate her at this moment. Well, he never hated her. Just sometimes, he didn't like her as much as he use too. More often now, he didn't like her as much as he use too.

 

“Shinji, I've thought a lot about what you said.”

 

“What did I say?”

 

Rei laugh a schoolgirl's laugh. No, he didn't dislike her now. He was started to like her now. Remembering why he fell in love with her in the first place.

 

“What you said, after we made love last night. I've been thinking about it all day.”

 

“Have you?”

 

“I realize that I'm your wife. As a wife I have certain duties. I'd be willing to try, something, if you wanted to.”

 

Rei said all of this like she was talking to a military instructor. Shinji didn't like that. He didn't like that at all.

 

“Come on, Rei. We don't have a relationship like that. I clean the house sometimes, I cook sometimes. We're better then that.”

 

“But you still want me to… Do those things in bed?”

 

“Rei… Does it make you uncomfortable?”

 

“Yes, sometimes. But… I want to make you happy.”

 

She was almost crying.

 

Sweet God, don't cry. Please. Don't do that. I can't take that.

 

“I want to make you happy, Shinji. I'm willing to take risk if it'll make you happy.”

 

And the two finished their meal in silence.

 

----

 

The next day, Shinji woke up early, before Rei. He snuck out, really. Left a note for Rei, saying that he'll went jogging.

 

(Then why did he take the car?)

 

He drove to the local high school. He figured the girl was about the right age for high school. He waited for the students to come into the building, waiting at the curb. Shinji was lucky. Not once did a cop stop and ask why he was there. He was very lucky.

 

Soon enough, the students came in by droves. Some came in by bus, some on foot, or bicycle. Two or three drove. More where driven by their parents.

 

After the crowds had disappeared, Shinji drove quietly into the school parking lot. He sat there, for some time in his car, debating with himself.

 

No, this is foolish. Yes, I know it's foolish, but just this once, I need to prove to myself. This one thing. Just let me have this one thing. After that, I'll stop. After this I'll go back to Rei and my life, my cubicle, everything that I hate. But let me have this much. Please…

 

He walked into the school front office. The room seemed to be buzzing with consent life. People where moving about. Students where moving around the hallway. The whole thing seemed like a beehive. Always moving and working and about with life.

 

He walked to the front desk. Behind it a rather large woman sat. She seemed to be connected to her chair. It was as if the two where connect and actually one whole living organism. After staring around the office for a minute or two, one of the secretaries, not the large one, a different one, came up to Shinji and ask him,

 

“Sir, is there something you need help with?”

 

Shinji thought for a moment before responding, “Yes, when does the school let out? See I have to pick up my young niece today. Her father's sick.”

 

“School lets out at Three O'clock, sir.”

 

“Thank you… Thank you very much.”

 

And with that, Shinji quickly left.

 

----

 

Shinji was late coming into work. His boss gave him a little speech about that, but Shinji didn't really listen. Basically all it amounted to was that the time he missed would be taken out of his paycheck.

 

Gee, big fucking deal. You know Shinji and Rei both worked at well-paying jobs. Why did she work anyway? Didn't she think he could support them? Shinji couldn't understand that about her. Maybe she just liked working. God, why didn't he just ask her? She is his goddamn wife, after all. Shouldn't he be able to ask her these things?

 

After that, Shinji marched back to his cubicle. Apparently he coming in late was the talk of the workplace that day. God, what boring lives everyone lived.

 

And the walls continued to close in.

 

----

 

Shinji left early from work. Snuck out you could say. Whoo, isn't that dangerous and exciting?

 

Hmm, bullshit.

 

He simply got up in the middle of the room and walked out of the building. Did anyone else notices? Shinji wasn't sure. Most of everyone seemed glued to their work, but it would be impossible if someone didn't noticed. Shinji, of course, didn't really care though.

 

Earlier the morning he pulled an old coat out of the closet. One that he hadn't seen in years. It was smaller on him now, but it still fit pretty well. The smaller size actually made it ideal for the windy spring weather. It was a beautiful day, again. The old coat, which now fit more like a jacket, stirred up the old, unpleasant memories again. Why he chooses this coat for this day, he wasn't really sure.

 

Shinji also stowed-away a pair of binoculars. They were Rei's from a couple years ago when she developed a bird-watching habit for whatever reason. Shinji would be doing some watching of his own, today.

 

Shinji started up the car and drove out to the school. He was reeling in a sense. The adrenaline of sneaking out of work so easily was still rushing over him and the concept of the act itself propelled Shinji forward. He had crossed the threshold now. He HAD to make sure. His very life depended on it.

 

He parked somewhere toward the back of the lot. It seemed like a good place to watch, Shinji thought, yet it was also out of the way. He would never get caught. Or at least he hoped.

 

Soon, the time came and a torrent of students came rushing out of the school building. Shinji picked up the binoculars and took watch. He was looking for that distinct red hair in the sea of gray and blue school uniforms. It would take time and patience, but Shinji didn't mind. He just had to make certain of this one thing. Then things would go back to normal.

 

Right?

 

Minute after painful minute passed, and Shinji couldn't find her. He was afraid he had missed her. Or maybe it was really just a hallucination? He didn't see her, so maybe that was the truth. Maybe she wasn't real at all. Most of the students had disappeared. Wondered off to a near-by public bus stop or to their own cars, or just walked. Shinji was ready to give up.

 

He had just started up the car when, in the distance, he saw something. That flash of red. He picked up the binoculars to make sure.

 

Oh, God. It was her. She was real.

 

She's real. She's real. She's real. She's real. I'm not crazy, not this time. No, I haven't lost it. She does exist and I could reach out and touch her if I wanted to. I could reach out and touch her and kiss her and hold her and have her once and for all and for forever.

 

The girl stood in the school yard, looking around. Maybe someone was there to pick her up and hadn't showed up? He didn't know for sure. After waiting for a moment, the young and delicate girl looked at her wrist, were a watch presumable sat, before walking off on her own. Shinji was shaking with excitement. He drove out of the parking lot and around to the front of the school yard. He drove quickly, yet at the same time, he drove slow enough to get a closer look at the girl. The blue school gown fit her features so well. Her vibrant red hair was tied up in a loose braid. The hair fell down around the base of her neck. The light breeze caused the whole mess to blow gently about. It was indescribable. It was prefect moment and all he needed.

 

About a block down Shinji parked on the shoulder and waited again. After a moment that seemed like hours passed, Asuka finally came in his plane of view. He stared at her again, as transfixed as ever. He was so transfixed that he didn't notice when she turned to look at him. She stare him right in the eyes.

 

Not a glint of recognition passed between the two. The only thing on the girl's face was a sense of disgust. Repulsion. Fear. She looked Shinji downed again before running off quickly.

 

So, that's how it was going to be?

 

Shinji almost laughed. He was so stupid. No. This girl meant nothing. She was a mid-life crisis. Why couldn't Shinji just buy a sports car or take up drinking like every one else? Maybe he would take up drinking anyway. He shook his head in dismay and drove home.

 

----

 

Shinji stop at the gym on the way home were he signed up for a month trail membership. It was the start of something good.

 

----

 

Shinji stood at the bedroom mirror. It was around eight. Both Rei and him were tired and decided to go to bed early. At least that's what she said. Shinji took off his tie and started to unbutton his shirt. Rei had gone to the bathroom to change. Shinji didn't notice anything unusual about this. That's when Rei exited the bathroom wearing a slinky red nightgown. She walked up behind Shinji and kissed him on the back of his neck, a tactic that always drove him up the walls. God, she remembered.

 

“Rei, what are you doing?”

 

She smirked at him before planting another kiss on his neck. Goosebumps ran up and down Shinji's skin. Rei nibbled up his neck before going to his ears and whispering,

 

“I want to make you happy.”

 

Shinji suddenly realized what was going on.

 

“You don't have too…”

 

She cut him off by letting her hand crawl down toward his crouch.

 

“I want to.” She whispered back.

 

Rei turned Shinji around and proceeded to undo his pants. There was a look of passion in Rei's eyes that Shinji hadn't seen in so long, it seemed. Shinji soon gave in and looked back at her with full lust. God, she was still beautiful after all these years.

 

Shinji now stood completely nude, propped up against the mirror. Rei was kissing down his chest. His dick was fully swollen and Shinji's throat was dry from anticipation. Soon he felt the cold sensation grab a hold of his manhood. He groaned as Rei's fingers crept around him.

 

“Rei, I want you.” He hissed through clenched teeth.

 

She only chuckled before falling to her knees in front of him. Soon her lips touch themselves to Shinji's extension. He had forgotten the sensation. Had been so long since he had a good blowjob? He couldn't remember the last time.

 

But this. God, this was something special. Shinji's modest manhood was now fully within Rei's mouth. A ripple of pleasure rode up from it throughout his entire body. Rei's started to suck up and down the rod, occasionally caressing it with her tongue. He closed his eyes and, as if on auto-pilot, his hands found themselves resting on Rei's head, slowly urging her on. Shinji could feel every vain and every muscle strike back to life from what seemed like a century of sleep as Rei's lips passed over them, again and again. She would increase her speed and pull outward until only the little red head remained in her mouth and then slowly she would engulf the rest of him again. It was torturous and it was wonderful. Shinji hadn't remembered Rei being this good. Maybe she was learning? Raspy breathes escape his throat and he knew he wouldn't last long. Would she let him come in her mouth?

 

Rei slowly slid Shinji's dick out of her mouth. She planted one more kiss on his head before standing up in front of him. Shinji gasped before turning back to his wife. She tugged at his shoulders.

 

“Let's go to bed.” She said to him, at a normal volume.

 

Shinji was full of lust. He wanted her and he wanted it to be rough and nasty and brutal. He felt a powerful lust for her and he had to take her, body and soul, right this moment.

 

Shinji let Rei lead him to bed, like you would lead to puppy dog around. She laid down, there. Moonlight shone in from the bedroom window and it brought an unearthly atmosphere to everything. It was a scene out of some ancient romance novel. Shinji crawled onto the bed next to her. He grabbed unto her breast and softly squeezed. She giggled a child-like giggle and held on to him. Shinji tugged at the edge of the nightgown.

 

“Why'd you wear this silly thing?” He asked her.

 

“Did it excite you?” She responded in a seductress' voice.

 

“Like nothing has in such a long time.”

 

“This has made you happy?”

 

“Rei, I love you, but I hadn't been sure if I still wanted you. But I do. You're still a beautiful creature.”

 

Shinji pulled away the rest of the nightgown and Rei laid there before him, completely nude and exposed. He saw her in a way that was new and exhilarating. Her round and perfectly sized breast, with their sharp little brown nipples. Her belly was flat and even and reminded Shinji of a beach of white sand. He placed his hand on it and slowly caressed it, before resting his head on it. He turned forward and licked down her belly, down to her bellybutton. She giggled again.

 

“Stop that, I'm ticklish.”

 

“You want me to stop?” He whispered back in the strongest voice he could muster.

 

“Shinji, this is about you. You don't have to… Pleasure me, like that.”

 

Shinji didn't respond and went ahead anyway. He licked over her naval again before coming to that area of the female anatomy that is so treasured. Under the little patch of blue hair, Shinji kissed her, delicately. She moaned softly and squirmed just a little.

 

“Shinji…” She whispered again.

 

He kissed her lower lips again. It had been a long time for him to. He could barely remember how to pleasure his wife in such a matter. Shinji noticed the sleek liquid ecking out of that sweet opening and he decided to trust his instincts. He separated it and entered with his tongue. He could hear his wife, moaning slightly. He searched her womb until he found the area that made her moan the most. He stimulated there, at that hard nub. Louder moans poured from inside her. Shinji seemed content there, pleasuring her, but her hand touched his head and he could hear her saying,

 

“Oh, no, not yet. Please.”

 

Shinji respected her wishes and withdrew. The two faced each other again. Rei was breathing hard, and Shinji didn't think it was because of what he just did to her.

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

“I'm nervous.”

 

He laughed, “Why are you nervous?”

 

“Remember how you said you wanted to try something new?”

 

Shinji's face became more serious. Rei looked back at him and seemed frightened by that expression. She shook out another sentence.

 

“I want to try it. You can take me… There. If you want to.”

 

Shinji kissed her on the cheek before she rolled over on her belly. Shinji couldn't help but notice an upset expression on her face before she turned away from him, but he didn't really care. He was to close to something that he wanted. He looked down at her cute little butt. Another feature of her's that he forgotten was so attractive. Shinji has lost a little bit of his erection when he was giving her pleasure with his mouth, but now it stood fully at attention. It was inches away from her rear.

 

“Is there oil or something I can put on?” Shinji didn't want to hurt her, not really.

 

Rei crawled over to the bedside cabinet and removed a small tub from it. She handed it to Shinji, before going back to the position.

 

“Be careful.” She whispered.

 

That comment made him a little angry. What, in our history together, would make you think that I would hurt you? Have I ever hurt you before? He wanted to say something but figured that now maybe wasn't the best time to say so.

 

Shinji squeezed out some of the thick liquid onto his figure before rubbing it on to his prick. He then applied some to Rei. She moaned softly. Shinji had read before how sticking your fingers into the anus can help make the sensation less painful to the recipient. Make them a little more prepared. He decided that was silly. He separated her cheeks and slowly approached the entrance. Both of them were breathing heavily, unsure of what would happen next.

 

Shinji slowly pressed against the entrance. It was tight, tighter then what he was use to. He inched in, feeling everything. Rei hadn't said anything so he continued forward. He watched her hands. Her fingernails were digging into the bed sheets. Was that a bad sign? No, if it was painful, she would have said something. Shinji moaned as he found himself completely inside of her. He couldn't do anything for a moment. He just had to soak up the sensation. He hadn't felt this much pressure around him since the first time he took Rei. He swallowed before beginning to thrust and really begin the activity.

 

Moments in, they were both moaning heavily. It was a completely new experience for both of them. Rei's apprehension had disappeared and now she seemed to be enjoying it as well. Shinji had been thrusting into her for a moment when she changed position. She crouched down on her knees, causing Shinji to penetrate her more deeply. Her moans were louder now and Shinji himself was grunting with every thrust. He could hear her moan towards him.

 

“Shinji… I need more. Please let me have it.”

 

He started to pound her unremorsefully. Rei had given him permission to give in to the beast within. He started to fuck her senseless. She let out short shriek like that of a bird or something. Shinji was lost in lust. He had fully embedded himself inside of this tight orifice. Any part of self was lost in the quest for pleasure.

 

“Shinji… Shinji… Oh, god… Oh, God. Let me come. Please let me come.”

 

Shinji's figures crept around to Rei's pussy, which was now fully lubricated. He stimulated both entrances. Rei let out another moan and his hand filled with juices. At the same time, her entire body tensed up. The muscle of her ass tightened up around Shinji's dick. He grunted and then came, almost uncontrollably. A powerful rush filled his body as his semen emptied out in Rei. At the last minute, he fell backwards from exhaustion, and a thin stream sprayed out onto the bed sheets.

 

Rei collapsed in front of Shinji, breathing heavily.

 

“God bless Shinji.” She said.

 

“That was the best fuck I've ever had.” Shinji mumbled out, without really thinking.

 

“Don't call it that. This wasn't fucking. It was making love. It's not the same thing.”

 

Shinji crawled up the bed and looked Rei in the eyes. He didn't respond to her comment and simply kissed her.

 

“Thank you for taking a chance.”

 

She smiled at him, a sleepy and hazy smile, the kind a person taking there first hit off of a joint would use. She kissed him back and they slowly were swept off to sleep, resting in each other's arms and each other's sweat.

 

----

 

Shinji woke up early the next morning. He felt a little on the worn side but well rested. He noticed sections of the bed sheets were crusty and wet, liquids still left over from the night before. Shinji decided he would have to wash the sheets later, after Rei woke up.

 

After slipping on some boxers and a loose t-shirt, Shinji went out into the kitchen and started making breakfast. It was around seven. He figured Rei wouldn't be asleep much longer. Shinji, for the first time in a long time, felt completely content and at peace. He was happy and rested and in love with his wife. Yes, he was. Last night she took a chance and proved she loved him. Maybe it was just a hangover from the brutal lovemaking session, but still, he felt it, and that was real enough.

 

Rei woke up and walked out, a bathrobe slung over her shoulders and body, just as the eggs finished cooking. She smiled at him and sat down across from him at the table.

 

“So... How are you?” Rei said, quaintly.

 

Shinji sat down at the table with some plates and dallied up the eggs, toast, and coffee. He gave Rei the same smile she gave him.

 

“I'm doing really good.” He responded. To that, they both broke out in laughter. A good feeling seemed to be permeating the air.

 

They ate breakfast and chitchat-ed the whole time, but it wasn't mindless. It only helped to endear the whole situation to Shinji. They were both off and the entire day lay before them. Shinji had planned to start his quest on the road to fitness by maybe jogging around the block later. Rei figured she spend the rest of the day playing in her garden. Shinji planned on calling Misato later, maybe even get together with her for lunch. She was practically his mother, he should spend more time with her.

 

After breakfast, Shinji and Rei rested on the couch while watching something mindless on TV were they ended up making love again. After that they both needed showers.

 

Shinji hadn't thought about Asuka all morning. She was completely out of his mind.

 

----

 

Shinji jogged about a mile down to the gym were he exercised for about a half-hour, before heading home and cleaning up. He called up Misato and they planned for lunch later that day. Yes, sir, things were going well.

 

Misato picked the restaurant and it was some fancy steak-house place that Shinji had never heard off before. As he entered the building, he saw his foster-mother waiting for him. How long had it been seen he'd last seen her? Three years? Four even? She had aged well over the years. Her long dark hair had faded to a muted gray and she had noticeably wrinkles about her face, but she didn't look too different. How old was she? Early fifties? Shinji probably would have said something but it was impolite to ask a lady her age.

 

The two sat down at their table. Misato was the first to speak.

 

“Shinji, dear, you look good.” Her voice seemed less light and more graveled.

 

“You look good too. It's nice to see were all in good health.”

 

Misato laughed lightly, “How's Rei?”

 

“Oh, Rei's doing well. She's pretty happy with the way things are at the moment.”

 

Misato drank from her tea, “How long have you two being married now?”

 

Shinji sighed and thought for a moment. How long had they been married? Four years? “Four years.” Shinji decided that had to be right.

 

“Four years and no grand-children for me? Honestly Shinji, have you no consideration for your dearest Misato.”

 

Sarcasm, of course. But it was nice to hear it. It was nice to hear anything from Misato. Why didn't he call her more?

 

“I don't think Rei and I are ready for kids.”

 

“Why not? Fours years with Santi and I all ready had two children.”

 

Shinji had forgotten about Misato's husband. She had natural children? No wonder she never called him anymore. Yeah, Shinji knew about this, but it was something he always made a point of forgetting. For whatever deep rooted psychological reasons.

 

“I don't know about kids. They're a lot of work. We're not exactly perfect physical shape and running after kids? I don't know.”

 

Misato lightly slapped Shinji's hand, “The running after the kids is what helps you get into shape!”

 

They laughed again. Damn it felt good to do that.

 

“If you had kids, what would you name them?” Misato seem very curious on the subject.

 

“I don't know. I've never thought about it. If it was a boy, maybe, Hodeiki. That's a good strong name. A girl, I guess I would name her,” Shinji went with the first thing that came to mind, “Asuka.”

 

Misato fell silent and put down her tea cup. She cleared her throat before speaking again.

 

“Asuka? That's an unusual name. Wasn't that the name of that girl?”

 

Suddenly everything came haunting back to Shinji. Oh, shit. Oops.

 

He had never told Misato, directly, but he was sure she knew. He mentioned Asuka at least once, and the murder got at least one spot on the news, however brief. And Misato never did find her revolver or her taser. Shinji hid them with Asuka's body. No, he never told anyone, but he felt that Misato knew, deep down, she knew.

 

Shinji did the only thing he new how to, “Yeah, that was her name.”

 

“Whatever happened to Asuka?”

 

Shinji was visibly shaking.

 

“I don't know. She must have transferred or something. She just disappeared, never saw her again.”

 

And the subject quickly changed after that. Shinji promised to call Misato more after that meal. He had forgotten how much he enjoyed her company. Maybe he would even try to get to know his “step”-siblings.

 

----

 

When Shinji got home Rei was indeed messing around with her flowers and herbs, as expected. He surprised her on his way home, snuck up on her. She cursed him slightly, but they all had a real laugh about it. He was having a good day, except for that slight misfortunate at the lunch table; nothing had gotten in his way.

 

It was later that evening when it all went wrong. Shinji and Rei were unwinding after a small dinner and were almost ready to go to sleep when there was a knock at the door.

 

“Who could that be?” Rei questioned.

 

Shinji himself had no ideas. He walked over and opened the door to be faced with two police officers.

 

“Mister Shinji Ikari?” The tallest cop questioned.

 

“Yes? That's me.”

 

“We need to talk to you.”

 

“About what?”

 

The cops pulled Shinji into the hallway were the shorter one removed a picture of the girl, the red-headed girl, that strange siren from the past, from his pocket.

 

“Do you know this young lady?” The man questioned in a stern and strong voice, a voice worthy of respect.

 

Shinji couldn't tell the truth.

 

`Yes, officer, that's the girl I murdered some twenty odd years ago.'

 

No, that would ruin everything. Not now. Not when everything was going so well. Not when everything looked like it might turn around and for the first time in a long time life might be worth living.

 

He couldn't let that happen, so Shinji lied and lied like the bastard he is.

 

“No, I don't recognize her.”

 

The shorter, stronger sounding man spoke, “She recognizes you. The girl said you were watching her on her way home from school today. You're not stalking her, are you?”

 

Come on, Shinji. They're putting on the pressure. They don't have shit on you. All this is rumors and hearsay and bullshit. Don't you DARE crack now! They can prove anything!

 

“How did you get to this address? This is ridiculous! I haven't seen this girl before in my life and now your pulling together this bullshit!”

 

The taller cop spoke in a noticeably weaker voice then his partner, “Sir, there's no need to become angry. We're just asking questions. Her father reported to us with your license plate.”

 

Damn it, this girl is smart. Wrote down my plate number.

 

“Could I have this man's number? I need to talk to him! People just can't go around randomly accusing innocent bystanders!”

 

Shinji was really raising a storm. He thought he was doing a pretty good acting job.

 

The short cop spoke first, “I'm afraid we can't release that information, sir.”

 

“Honestly, this is garbage. I don't know this girl and she is obviously making up stories to get attention!”

 

The short cop spoke again, “Then why does her description fit you so well?”

 

Shinji froze. Shit, they've got me now. Oh, god, they've got me know. Here comes the walls. Any chance for freedom now is dashed. You've fucked up.

 

“Do you know how many men in this country fit my description?”

 

That was a good comeback.

 

The short cop grunted and turned away. “Sir, we're keeping an eye on you.”

 

The pair walked away. Shinji sucked it up and blew the steam out his noise. Yeah, that was good. Completely fooled them. Yeah, good job. Good job.

 

----

 

Shinji found himself staring at the ceiling, something he seemed to do a lot. Rei rested next to him, reading a book. Both were in their bathrobes and very comfortable. Shinji was trying to relax but couldn't get his mind off the police coming to his door. Things weren't suppose to be this complicated. He was done with that. Asuka hadn't come back to him in some bizarre twist of fate. It was all a delusion, a reminder of the kind of behavior Shinji had thought he left behind many years ago.

 

Rei hadn't talk about it, the cops. She probably overheard the conversation, and if it bothered her she didn't make any indication. She was just as mellow and laid-back now as she was before it happened.

 

Shinji found himself slipping off to sleep when Rei curled up next to, wrapping her arms around him.

 

“Shinji…” She spoke in the same voice she spoke in earlier, the night before. “Are you getting tired?”

 

Shinji knew what she was getting at. “Yeah, a little.”

 

Rei climbed on top of him, straddling him at the waist. “Are you sure you want to go to sleep?”

 

Shinji wasn't to interest in sex, at the moment, a little worn out from the day, but as Rei's body pressed against his lower region, he couldn't help but find himself becoming aroused. He sighed a pleasant sigh and let his hands crawl over Rei's body, pulling down her robe to reveal her nude chest. She giggled at him and undid the lower region of his robe.

 

It was a quick moment of passion thing, over in minutes. Shinji found himself feeling the need to release quickly, and for once, didn't hold it back. Rei smiled down at him from her perch, her face seemed almost angelic in the dim light and afterglow. She bent down to him and they kissed.

 

“I love you.” She whispered to him before lying back down at his side.

 

Shinji made another pleasant sigh and held her, repeating, “I love you.”

 

----

 

That night he had dreams. He dreamed driving down a dark city alley and pulling into a strange din. At the door, Asuka (or the girl he thought was Asuka) stood wearing her school gown, her bright hair tied into pigtails, sucking on a lollypop in a suggestive manner. Shinji was wearing that coat he wore years ago.

 

They entered the din which was red all over. He followed her as they walk through a strangely theatrical doorway. She stripped off her cloths as she walked, so that by the time they reached the room with the bed, she was completely nude.

 

It was cheap dive, with nothing but a mattress thrown on the floor but it only made Shinji want her more. That young supple body. Her nipples standing out like little red bacons on her light skinned breast. Her red pubic hair serving the purpose of a marking. An arrow pointing in the direction of that area that has been desired by man since the beginning of time. The lips of life.

 

The two made a vicious kind of angry love. Fucking, some would call it. Shinji wept and cursed the whole time, calling her mean and uncouth names. Insulting her as he buried himself in her young body, in her scent and her feel. Burying himself in Asuka. The sex was the kind Rei and Shinji committed two nights earlier, but far more violent and primal then anything else he'd ever felt with his wife, or anything she'd let him feel.

 

After they finished, he smothered her to death with the pillow.

 

----

 

Shinji woke up the next day feeling sad, uncertain, upset, guilty and any other number of emotions. The dream filled him with unsettling and vicious feelings. What did the goddamn thing mean anyway?

 

On the way to work that morning he saw a bus full of school children. Shinji could have sworn that he saw Asuka sitting among them.

 

He got to work on time and nothing else of interested happened there.

 

----

 

Shinji, on the drive home, found himself on autopilot again, driving toward the school. All the students had all ready left, but it was a purely emotional reaction. It was just a weird way to drown the sorrow that had all ready set into his life. He parked his car in the same far-off corner that he stopped at the day before.

 

He walked into the building through the main entrance; just like any number of students had only minutes earlier. Shinji stopped in the doorway and slowly caressed the doorframe. An energy surged through Shinji's body. It was as if all the bodies that had passed through here over the years had left just a tiny piece of themselves behind. The voices of ghost far year's past came back to Shinji in that moment. It was a strange one for sure. Full of despair, hope, angst, love, care, emotion, want, need, helplessness, courage, strength, potential, lust, world, war, nothing and everything all at once. Shinji shook off the strange vibes that had taken him over and walked into the building.

 

It was as if stepping into an old skin that you hadn't worn for sometime. Shinji hadn't realized before, but he had, indeed, changed very little since he was a student. Catching an image of himself in reflection in one of the lockers, even physically, Shinji hadn't changed much. Aside from the gut that had grown on him, he still looked like that lost little boy from years ago. Shinji shook his head and walked off.

 

In far-flung corners of the building he could hear chattering and footsteps. The building seemed to be alive with a mind of its own. There was never a moment of peace throughout, and yet, it was strangely serene. Maybe it was just the melancholy memories that were driving Shinji's thoughts. He found himself starring in at the remains of the classes through the small port-hole like windows that adorned all the doors. Teachers packing up their books, janitors empting trashcans, the occasional student staying after. Despite all the fear that came with the place, it still filled Shinji with a kind of warm familiarity. Despite everything that had happened, this place was safe. There was no fear of tomorrow, for tomorrow you would just wake up and go off to school. No chance for change to come in and muck it all up. Sit back and enjoy life, don't worry you'll be here a while. Slow down, baby, no need to rush to the finish line. And Shinji preferred it that way. He found a smile tugging at his mouth.

 

What did all that mean anyway?

 

That's when…

 

Sitting in the one room, reading a book. The red hair. Holy sweet Jesus, no, not now. Just when everything seemed to be making sense. Fuck, no, not now.

 

No, no,nonononononononononononono….

 

The girl sat in a seat, her head buried in a book. The sun poured in from the near-by window. Shinji couldn't help but be drawn nearer to her. God, she is beautiful.

 

No, no, but yes. She is and this is it and everything will be beautiful, just you wait and see, fool, you'll understand how everything is suppose to be when you see her sitting there in all her glory with her chin propped up in the pages and her sweet little lips beckoning you too come closer. When you see her sitting there in her gothic throne with her sweet little eyes and her delicious mind calling to you. Yes, you want this. You want me. Yes, you can have me. Only now, only here. With this prison in mind, you can take me any were you want, dear. Just slow down this one time. Take a stop and smell the roses, baby, and just let this one remind you of how beautiful this world can be. Oh, what a beautiful world it is, at times…

 

Shinji stood there, forlorn. He could almost reach out and touch her, but was he even sure he would touch anything at all? He found himself in a strange place. His breathing was heavy. He drifted closer to the window, his hot breath collection on the glass. He looked closer and closer until he found what book she was reading.

 

No, you can't be serious. Oh, lord; this is some kind of sick joke isn't it? Oh, Momma, don't say it's so.

 

“The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.”

 

Of course, what else would it be?

 

No. A rage boiled inside of Shinji. This is some sick joke isn't it? Fucking hell, no, he refused to believe this. He kicked open the door and came storming into the room, slobbering at the jaw and swinging his fist abound, screaming, coming at her like a missile. Fucking bitch!

 

“No! You're not real, you little hussy!”

 

The girl shrieked and stood up from her seat. She slapped at him with the book but Shinji, in a strange moment of quick reflexes, knocked the tome from her hands. It fell to the floor with a sullen thud, and for a moment, Shinji'd swear to God he hear someone scream at that.

 

The girl held up her hands as shield as Shinji pinned her to the wall. He screamed at her,

 

“Why are you doing this, God, Asuka? Why are you doing this?”

 

He shook her with a venom and an evil. The red-headed girl screamed again and shrank in terror.

 

“Who are you? What do you want from me?” She screamed.

 

“What do I want from you? What? What do you want from me? How are you doing this? Asuka? Answer me, goddamnit!”

 

Shinji shook her again in order to focus the point.

 

“I don't know what you're talking about!” The girl screamed.

 

“You don't know? Come on, don't play games! You know what happened! You were there!”

 

Shinji forced her against the wall. He grabbed at her crouch.

 

“I saw that little freak fill you up and you scream about it and love it and ask for more!” He let go. “You saw me waiting there, for you, everyday, just asking for that one moment of peace with you, but, no, that was never enough, was it? You little bitch! You knew I had to have you and have to want you but you were… Uh… Too… STUPID! TOO STUPID TO KNOW! God damn it Asuka! We could have had something but… but…”

 

Shinji was weeping. He had trailed off. He didn't even know what he was saying anymore. Asuka looked at him, tears streaming from his eyes. She had a hurt and confused expression on her face. You? Hurt and confused? How do you have any right? Shinji looked up at her…

 

Whispering,

 

“Love me.”

 

She punched him in the face and fled from the room.

 

----

 

Shinji didn't know what else to do. He was so confused. He couldn't be sure of anything. He ran from the room as quickly as he could. He didn't think anyone saw him. At one point he crashed into a janitor but Shinji was sure that he didn't see his face. He was now in his car, just driving toward no particular morning or any particular day. Driving anywhere his car would take him, just trying to get away.

 

Shinji was on a road out somewhere in the country, completely lost, when he glanced over at his clock. It was almost seven. God, Rei must be worried to pieces.

 

Oh, God, Rei.

 

What would she think? Would the cops have talk to her? Would the cops even know? Of course they would. Asuka went to the police for just staring at her, only God knows what she would do for the stunt he pulled this afternoon. Shit, he was screwed for this one. Everything was on the verge of falling apart.

 

Would Rei understand? Shinji was so scared. He couldn't just stay out here on the edge of nowhere for the rest of his life. He turned the car around and headed in the direction of home.

 

----

 

Shinji, after an hour long drive home, found himself waiting outside the door of his house for about fifteen minutes, trying to build up the courage to walk in a face his wife. Eventually, he did.

 

She was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, looking very upset. As soon as Shinji entered the room, she shot up from the couch and walked over to him.

 

“Shinji! Where have you been? What's going on?”

 

“I can explain.” Was the only thing Shinji could think of to say.

 

“W-What? Where have you been?”

 

The two sat down, next to each other.

 

“I had to get away. I just needed to clear my head.”

 

“Why didn't you call me first?”

 

“I didn't think. I had to move.”

 

“What happened?”

 

Shinji became nervous. What could he tell her? What could he do? He was confused.

 

Shinji couldn't tell the truth. He couldn't loose Rei. She was the only thing that was keeping him grounded.

 

Was that a good thing?

 

“I just had a bad day. I needed to get out.”

 

Rei looked him straight in the eyes, “You're lying.”

 

Shinji didn't know how to response, probably because she was right.

 

She continued, “You're lying and you've been lying for a very long time. Shinji, I need to know what's going on. Are you having an affair?”

 

“No, no, I'm not having an affair.”

 

“Then what's wrong? Why won't you tell me? Damn it, Shinji, I need to know this. I'm your wife! I love you! If there's something wrong why won't you say so?”

 

Shinji cracked and everything came tumbling down. It had been a rough day.

 

…bad day.

 

The tears came down in streams and everything that had been hidden for so long was finally coming to the surface. It felt so strange to hear it spoken aloud.

 

There had been times when Shinji had almost told her. Occasionally they would get into heavy conversation, and Shinji would think seriously about saying something, but ultimately he would always decide against. It seemed that it would hurt more to say it out loud then it would to just keep it buried.

 

But the barrier broke and it happened.

 

“I killed someone.”

 

Rei's expressions completely changed. Shinji wasn't sure if an adjective exist to describe that expression.

 

“What?” She said.

 

“Years ago, when I was a teenager. I killed a girl and her boyfriend. I broke into their house and I shot them and I hit her in the face with a taser. It was terrible.” Shinji collapsed into loud, uncontrollable weeping. He fell on top of Rei, hugged her tight, scared and unsure. Why were these things happening?

 

Rei expressions remained the same. Shinji looked up at her and saw that strange, unsure expressions that she never gave him. He shouted at her, in a high, shrill voice.

 

“Don't look at me with that!”

 

“Shinji… But… What does any of this mean?”

 

“What does it mean? I killed her! I fucking killed her! I shot the goddamn bitch! I fucking killed her! I'm a murderer! I'm a terrible and horrible and disgusting person! I'm just sick! OH, God, Oh, God, forgive me, Rei. Oh, Forgive me, God. Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone, I'm so sorry that I hurt her. I… I never meant… Not in the beginning. I never meant to hurt her in the beginning.”

 

Shinji, for the second time today, found himself weeping, collapsed at the feet of a woman.

 

God, do women have any idea what they put us through?

 

How could have Rei responded?

 

She kneeled down next to him and kissed him on the lips.

 

“Shinji, it's okay. That was a long time ago.”

 

She held him, cradling him between her arms like you would a newborn baby.

 

Shinji hadn't expected her to respond in that manner. Her forgiveness was the last thing he expected.

 

She cared.

 

Shinji couldn't understand why she would take a chance like this. He was a killer. Yes, it was a long time ago, but did that matter? Does time heal all wounds? (No, not when you bury a stun-gun in their face, times not gonna' heal that.) How could she understand any of it? For whatever reason, she cared. She loved him without condition. If he had slaughtered hundreds of other people, she would still love him. Right? Is that what all this meant? Did it even have a meaning?

 

For whatever reason, she cared.

 

For once in his life, someone else cared about him. It should have filled him with a warm feeling. He should have given a shit. But he didn't.

 

The only thing Shinji could think about was Asuka.

 

----

 

Morning brought with it many a revelation.

 

Nothing had happened the night before, the cops didn't come rallying toward the door, fist ready and weapons drawn, for whatever reason. Why didn't they come breaking in to scower the place over for some sign that your husband has a “history of mental illness?” When morning came, Shinji still couldn't figure out why the girl hadn't responded. Maybe she was too scared.

 

Hmm, yeah, right.

 

Asuka wouldn't be scared of him. No, she was saving time, building up for an attack. Trying to find the weakest spot and shoot right for it. In the morning, when Shinji sat around drinking his coffee, he came to the revelation that this girl, this terrible reminder that he did something horrible a long time ago, was trying to destroy him.

 

She was determined to break him.

 

(As if she hadn't all ready…)

 

That wasn't going to happen.

 

Shinji called into work and told him he couldn't make it in, today. His boss was furious that Shinji was missing so much time lately, but Shinji didn't hang on the phone to hear him shout and scream and make a mess.

 

Rei wasn't there when he woke up. She left a note saying, “she needed to get out,” she needed to clear her head. Things were getting heavy. Shinji understood. Sometimes you just need to get away.

 

Shinji knew what he had to do.

 

It was dangerous and stupid and an incredibility foolish thing to do. It was likely to destroy more then fix anything, but Shinji didn't care. He was beyond that. His mind was set on something. No, he needed to do this one thing, for himself, just this one time, he NEEDED THIS!

 

----

 

(In context, Shinji was selfish. He was selfish and stupid and just a plain fool. His thoughts were completely his own. He didn't think about what Rei would say. He didn't think about what Misato would say. He didn't think about what his parents, God rest their souls, where ever they may be now, would think. The whole situation, detailed in the following passage, was a sick little game. But it was all that matter. It was all about him and her and the world and noting else around them spinning in infinity forever and ever. Never stopping, always moving, the thing in the passageway is NOT your friend. Keep going, my boy, until all your dreams are realized, you goddamned fool. Fuck you, you bastard. Goddamn Nazi. I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm a damn fool. Please, just let me do this one thing, just this once, over and over again, don't stop and never let go and the fools are always moving and moving in lines toward there forever more destination. All of it, is not a place. This is not a place. Don't stop, don't move, just keep going. Going, going, going…

 

Gone.

 

Slow down now, baby. This is not a place, after all, no need to hurry, buddy-o. Fucking sick bastard. God, I hate you. Bitch, slut, cunt, fucking bitch-hole. Screaming just like a beast, because the place is not going the way it is suppose to. It's supposed to follow you, but it's not going to because you're not the boss of me now.

 

Beautiful girl, you know you're out of this world.

Your face is like something peculiar out of a dream,

Beautiful Girl,

I want you more then anything anymore; you are my world, Beautiful Girl

Go on and live like you should and go on playing games with my heart,

But you know, Beautiful Girl, one of these days your gonna' get older

Little Girl, Beautiful Girl

So you'll feel pretty stupid when you do move into a bigger house,

Because the doors don't open and the engine stalls

Don't go rushing around in the snow, beautiful girl

I hope you do everything you want to

I hope all your dreams come true…

 

…but what about me?

 

-2005

 

----

 

The car's engine softly roared under the hood. Shinji tried to keep his mind off of everything else why he waited. He tried listening to the radio, eating breakfast, and everything else under the sun, but it wasn't working. He just couldn't keep his mind off of the goal. Forever more moving into eternity, his goal.

 

He wasn't even sure if any of it was real, but that didn't matter. It was real for him.

 

The day crept by like hours, days, months, years, decades, centuries, millenniums. The only thing that could keep his attention anymore was watching the minutes click by. Nothing was going to stop him now. The only thing that could keep his attention anymore was watching the clock, watching the minutes click by.

 

Slowly, ever so slowly, she appeared. Like a creature out of the mist, like that foggy state between sleep and waking. Starring into eyes wide open. She walked along the sidewalk, which seemed to fade and darken like the sun had gone down on everything.

 

(Don't do that, please.)

 

She seemed worried, frighten, and why shouldn't she be? Not like that was an issue. Shinji prepared his weapon of choice. Slowly he started the car up into full gas. He revved outward and upward and into the darkness. The wheels slowed and broke down right in front of her. Shinji leaped from the car out at the girl, the beautiful little girl who was always busy breakin' all the little boy's hearts. He held her down and doused the chemical into her face. Her eyes shut and she screamed into the palms of his hand. Not like that was going to help her. Stupid little bitch. You're going to get what's coming to you. What's coming to you. What's coming to you is a hard, firm punch in the gut. Shinji dragged the comatose girl, as the either took its terrible, terrible price. He placed her safely in the backseat, trying not to hurt her, anymore.

 

He had hurt her too much.

 

As Shinji stared into the deep blue eyes, eyes like sapphire, he could almost see the scars from the burns. He could see the deep and faint impression in her skin. He wept onto her in hopes that his tears would heal those scars, for good, this time, so that those terrible memories would finally stop haunting him.

 

It didn't work.

 

I'm sorry Asuka. I didn't want it to be this way.

 

BUT WHAT CHOICE DID YOU GIVE ME?

 

----

 

The girl awoke, feeling very dizzy and scared. She could fill ropes around her wrist. Oh, God, something horrible was going to happen. The room was dark. The girl, the little red-headed girl, looked around the room. It was a basic living room, but all the furniture had been over-turned and wrecked. The blinds were drawn tight, so that no light could enter the room. It was nighttime out there anyway.

 

The only light came from a lamp at the far end of the room. Next to the lamp, a man sat. He was the same man that had been threatening her. Yes, something horrible was going to happen, now. She was sure of it. The man had attacked her at the school and she was sure that now he had caught her and he was going to kill her this time.

 

This time, it'll be better. Better, this time.

 

Shinji stood up and walk toward her.

 

“Asuka, I need to talk to you.”

 

“Who are you?” The girl screamed, “What do you want from me?”

 

Shinji screamed back, “What do I want from you?” Shinji almost laughed, “How can you be saying that to me? How do you get off saying that to ME? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!”

 

Asuka was scared now. Yeah, you should be. Shinji grabbed Asuka and held her, tightly, almost in an embrace. He had that hopeless look on his face. A hopeless look not completely unlike the one Rei had given, too many times recently. Not that Shinji thought about that.

 

The fates were finally meeting for sure, right here.

 

He spoke softly, now.

 

“I didn't want to hurt you, back there, Asuka.”

 

“Stop calling me Asuka! That's not my name!”

 

“YES IT IS! Yes it is! Don't tell me that. You're trying to trick me again. You're trying to get to me.” He was soft again, “But why, it's not like you haven't all ready gotten to me. Damn it, girl, you've got me right were you want me.”

 

Asuka didn't have a clue about what he was talking about. Shit, what was wrong with this girl? Are you stupid?

 

The look was too much. The girl had looked at him like she was scared of him, didn't know him, and couldn't ever understand what was going through his head because she wasn't him and only Shinji knew.

 

Who knew? Only you.

 

Shinji tried to hold it in, but it wasn't much use.

 

“Why'd you leave me, Asuka? I, for once, tried to tell you. I just ask to kiss you. I don't understand. Didn't you get the hints? Didn't you know that all that time I had been nudging at you, slowly, for you to understand? Didn't you want me? Why wouldn't you want me? Mommy always told me I was special and wonderful and important but you couldn't bother to listen to any of that. Wasn't I good enough? Why didn't you want me, little girl? Goddamn, goddamn it, I tried to be good for you, but you never tried back. I JUST WANTED TO FUCK YOU! But you wouldn't have any part of it. You were selfish. You little slut. You went and let that man do those terrible horrible things to you and you LIKE IT! You were supposed to be innocent. You were supposed to be the one little part of this world that hadn't gone completely insane! You made me strong. You gave me courage. Did you even understand how much you meant to me? I bet you didn't. I bet I was just another little nothing to you. Something to pass the time until it's over. But that's wrong! Things don't work that way, Asuka! Things aren't like that! The world isn't like that! Why can't you understand me, goddamn it! I was just another little nothing to you. You used me which ever way you wanted but that was the wrong thing to do. I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted you, but you wouldn't let me have you. What could I have done? I'm sorry. I really am. Things weren't suppose to go this way. Things never go that way. It's all a sick little joke to you. I don't know. Things are getting murky. I don't know if this means anything to you. It probably doesn't. You'll just log this away somewhere. You'll move on with your life, no doubt. You'll get older. Maybe some day you'll understand, but I don't think so. I don't know why I was drawn to you in the first place. You were somebody to me. You passed the time until it was over. You gave me strength. Made me feel like maybe, just this once, I wasn't going to be lonely. Hmm, some joke that was. Maybe someday you'll understand but I don't think so. You're not me. You can never know how it feels. Hmm, maybe you do. It's all just a big misunderstanding, I'm sure. Isn't it funny that the people in the newspaper can change the meaning of the quote just by adding those lines, here and there? That doesn't mean anything to you, does it? You had your ways. You made me feel… Light. When you walked into a room, everyone smiled. That was the most wonderful time of my life, those short fall months. I never thought I could be that happy. No, I'm happy. I am happy. I can be if I want to. Maybe I don't want too. Maybe something is holding me back. (I'm holding myself back.) I just wanted something. I don't know what that something is. Maybe I was trying to break out, to hold a connection, just this one time, but the connection always breaks. I bet I do it myself. The wire fell and so did I. I'm trying. No, no, no, I'm not. I'm not trying. The simple answer is, you came to me. No one ever comes to me. So I latched on. It was natural. I should have known better. You were going to be gone within a years time. Maybe I thought I could get that mercy fuck. That one time, I thought, “Asuka told me to come here. She's waiting for me.” But you didn't show up. I came of my own free will and I won and all that shit but you weren't there waiting for me. Your picture was in the newspaper, twice, actually. I almost cried because I knew you had moved on and I never meant anything to you in the first place. But I didn't cry. It's not professional to cry. That's what Mrs. Campbell said. (No, she didn't say anything to me that day.) I don't have my facts straight. So I said something, but you shook it off, proving once and for all that, no, I am a nothing. I didn't cry. I wanted too, God knows, I wanted to. On the last day, during the ceremony, I watched you, but you didn't even so much as glace over to my section.

Are you scared of feeling? Does the fact that someone actually cares about you scare you? That's the nice version. You let men abuses you because you have some towering low-self esteem problems and you think you're not worth anything, despite all the awards that are constantly lunged your way. You abuse yourself and let people abuse you because you think you don't deserve better. But you do! I just wanted you to understand that. I wanted you to understand that! But you wouldn't listen to me, because you didn't want to hear. That's the nice version. It's probably not true, is it? I wanted you to understand, but I was selfish. I took the easy way out. I did what I thought was right, but I turned out to very, very wrong. Then you were gone. I could have written to you, but would you have written back? I don't know. To this day I don't know what any of it has meant. I just tried to reach out. I just wanted to reach out. I just wanted to hold you. I just wanted to feel you. We turned out to be a lot more a like then I thought we would be. You just didn't wear it out, like I did. You didn't show it to the world. (Like I did.) You hid it because you were smarter. Better to live a false life full of joy and pleasure and something good instead of a life of wallowing. I suppose it is. I wanted to reach out, but I wasn't willing to do it myself. I guess that's where I fucked up. Hmm, sorry, Yesterday's Girl. Didn't mean to ruin it for everyone. I tend to have that effect on people. Sorry. I'm sorry. I just wanted to say I was sorry. I'm sorry, Asuka.”

 

The girl stared back with a kind of starry-eyed pity. What could she have said in response to that? Her lips wiped about but no words came out. Shinji sighed a deep sigh, deeper then any other he had ever sighed. He bent down and hugged her, kissed her on the cheek and went to untie the ropes that bound her to the chair.

 

Just then the door opened. Rei entered the house, with some good news. She was incredibly shocked at what she saw.

 

----

 

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You still don't understand, do you?

 

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Guess I should have known better.

 

----

 

It was visitor's day, here in heaven. Shinji never got that many visitors. Not like it really mattered to him. His therapy was going well. The first test didn't work. It just delayed the reaction, but Shinji was getting better now. The new therapy was working.

 

It was visitor's day, here in heaven. Shinji never got that many visitors, but today was different. An older woman came to his little booth and pick up the phone to the other side. Shinji smiled. He was happy to see her, here.

 

Misato spoke into the phone's receiver. “How are you, Shinji?”

 

Shinji spoke back into his own yellow phone, “I'm doing well. Things are going well.”

 

“The doctors say you are getting better. You aren't regressing anymore.”

 

Shinji signed, “I heard that. I don't know. I don't know if I want to leave. It's like being a child again. There are people that take care of you here. You have no responsibilities. It's almost… Nice.”

 

Misato laughed, and then she got graver. This was no place for small talk, “Do you want to hear about Rei?”

 

Shinji contemplated before deciding, “Yes, I would like that.”

 

“Things are going well, with her. She's still staying with her parents, right now. She's got a light-weight job in the city, at some hotel. Something were she's not doing so much work, with the pregnancy and all.”

 

“How is the baby?” Shinji chimed in.

 

“The baby's doing good. Rei is set to give birth in November. I'll send you pictures when it happens.”

 

“Do they know if it's a boy or a girl?”

 

“They're pretty sure it's a boy.”

 

“That's good. That's really good. What is she going to name him?”

 

“I don't think she's decided yet.”

 

Misato went silent for a moment before speaking again, “Rei told me to tell you that she… She forgives you. She understands. It was complicated but I got that she understood why you did all those horrible things. She pities you, but she still loves you. She'll be waiting for you, when you get out.”

 

“Tell her that I'm still not sure if I'll still be here when I get out.”

 

The rest of the afternoon passed without much anything exciting happening. Just when the visiting hours were almost over, another woman came over to his booth. A young girl. She was wearing black funeral grabs, which was strange. Her red hair stood out against the black uniform. She was still young, but something about her seemed to make her appear older, then when Shinji had last saw her. This was the last person Shinji expected to see. He didn't think he'd ever see her again. She was the last person Shinji expected would forgive him. The girl with the red hair and the blue eyes sat down in front of Shinji's booth, she picked up the phone.

 

“Hello, Shinji Ikari.”

 

Shinji almost teared up at the sight of her. She was just as light as ever. His little angel.

 

“Asuka. Oh, I thought I'd never see you again.”

 

She spoke very softly, in a way was more confirming for Rei. “Shinji. Um, I've had some time to think about what happened. At the time, I don't think I knew exactly what you meant, but I've had time to think about these things.” She gulped, “Shinji, I'm sorry.”

 

Shinji let out a heavy breath, “Don't apologize. What happened, none of it is your fault.”

 

“No,” She interrupted him, typical of Asuka. God, how he missed her, “Some of it is. You were right, about how I turn other people away. I…” She sighed. “I don't want this to sound wrong. I'm just sorry. I know, none of this would have happened, if I just made things clearer to you.”

 

“Oh, God, I've missed you. I glad you understand. I'm glad someone finally understands. I knew it would be you. I just knew it would. Oh, thank you.”

 

“You're welcome Mr. Ikari.”

 

(Mr. Ikari?)

 

Asuka continued, “I have to go, now. It was nice, seeing you again.”

 

“It was nice seeing you again too. It's good to have closure.”

 

Asuka laughed, “I guess it is closure, isn't it? Hmm, it was nice knowin' ya'.” She smiled that mischievous, brazen, loving, wonderful, warm, giving, mother-like, angelic, smile.

 

She walked away and Shinji watched this girl, this wonderful, extraordinary girl that Shinji was blessed to have in his presence, walk away from him for the last time. Yeah, it was the last time, but he was okay with that. He had this one last memory, this beautiful memory, and all the other good memories too. For the first time, he had something wonderful. He could forget the bad memories, for the strength of the good ones was so strong. Like a blinding light that would blot out the darkness, forever. She gave him strength. The memories gave him strength. He had her forever, in that place.

 

Maybe this girl wasn't really Asuka. Maybe it was all a coincidence. Life revolves around coincidences. Maybe this girl wasn't really Asuka. That didn't matter to Shinji anymore. To him, it was Asuka, to him those memories came alive just long enough for them to say to him, It's okay. Slow down, baby. You can let this one rest. Things are better now, this time, we understand, this time, and we're all better people because of it.

 

Closure.

 

Shinji had that and that was enough.

 

There was no threat of not knowing the truth. Not having to wonder about `What if?'

 

He was given a second chance.

 

And things were better this time.

 

This time, things were better.

 

And with this beautiful knowledge all intact, Shinji could finally fade away.

 

----

 

Yesterday's Girl

By Zack Clopton

 

----

 

Disclaimer: “Evangelion” and all related characters are copyright to Gainex. All original ideas presented within are copyright to Zack Clopton, 2005.