Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ A Matter Of Choice ❯ Facing the Demons ( Chapter 48 )

Facing the Demons

 

Tegan woke to throbbing. Her left hand and the left side of her face felt like they were on fire. She opened her eyes remembering all too well the events that had gone before. She sat up wincing at her wounds. She looked down at Torin's sleeping form beside her, breathing softly. She sighed and swung her legs out of bed. As she sat there the enormity of it all rose up within and it was all she could do to take her head into her hands. How was she ever going to be able to look him in the eye again? She still couldn't believe what she had done. In one way it seemed so long ago, in another like it was happening all over again. She knew she may never stop hearing the screams.

 

Would she ever be able to forget? Well she knew the answer to that already - never! Could she move on and put it behind her? Perhaps. She looked at her burned hand and wondered what kind of mess her face was in. She knew what she had to do, but what if…it happened again? She knew that part her was still there, lying dormant. What if it woke up again and she couldn't control it? Would she ever be in control again? There were so many questions and no answers, and some of the possibilities were horrifying. She let out a deep breath she didn't know that she had been holding as Torin moved in the bed behind her.

 

“Tegan?”

 

She didn't answer, but stretched her uninjured hand toward him. He took it and squeezed it gently. He understood that she wasn't ready to face him just yet. He made his way across the bed till he was kneeling behind her. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

 

“I'm here my love, and always will be.”

 

She managed a weak smile even though he couldn't see. As long as he was with her she just might be able to get through this.

 

* * * * *

 

I nursed her through the following days. She was withdrawn and fragile, but that was to be expected. As time went by it seemed that her fears would not come to pass. She was cautious as she fed and kept a tight rein on herself. While she started to come back to her old self once more, it seemed that she would never be quite the same again. But then again, perhaps it was important that she wasn't.

 

* * * * *

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“Hmm?” Tegan looked up from her book; she found she had more time to read these days.

 

Torin chuckled. “I said, how do you feel?”

 

She looked at him thoughtfully. How did she feel? It had been almost three weeks since that awful night.

 

“I'm not sure.” She replied truthfully. “It's difficult to describe I suppose.”

 

“You seem better, especially when…” He hesitated to say it.

 

“When I feed.” She finished for him. “Don't worry, we can talk about it. Perhaps it is time that we did.”

 

He rose from his position on the sofa to sit in the chair opposite her by the fire. They were sat in the mansion's small library, a cosy room in which they had taken to spending their free time in. After all, Tegan was still Tegan and she still loved her books, as did he. She seemed lost in thought, the book forgotten in her lap.

 

“You okay?” He asked gently.

 

“I suppose.” She answered with a sigh, giving him her attention now. “It's still so fresh and yet it isn't.”

 

“I wish I could say that I understand, but I've never been in your position.

 

“Don't worry. You've stood by me and that is more than enough I assure you. After you'd seen, I thought that you wouldn't be able to stand being around me.”

 

He nodded. “I won't say that it wasn't hard, but I love you, and that means more than anything.”

 

She smiled at him gently. “What would I do without you?”

 

“Well you'd sleep alone for a start.” He replied cheekily.

 

“For heaven's sake Torin, I thought we were trying to be serious!” She tried to scold him but found herself chuckling.

 

“You're right. You say you want to talk and here I am poking fun.”

 

“It's okay, you wouldn't be the man I love otherwise. After all I fell in love with your debateable charm, and your… wit shall we say, is part of that.”

 

“Glad that you see the best in me.” He chuckled. “But let's get back to being serious. How is it for you?”

 

“Well, different is the accurate answer I suppose. I'm not sure how to describe it.” She sighed softly. “Now that I think about it, it was building for months. It was like… like there was something inside of me, with a life, a mind of its own. I suppose the more I tried to ignore it, the stronger it became.”

 

“You were really that aware of it?”

 

“No, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.”

 

The two chuckled. It was nice to see her joke. She had been so serious of late, but then she had reason to be. She sighed, knowing she had to say it, no matter how painful it was.

 

“I guess I let it get on top of me. I'd been ignoring it for so long, I guess that night… I just didn't see the danger until it was too late. I lost control.”

 

He stood and closed the distance between them, kneeling before her and taking her hands in his own. She smiled at him appreciating the gesture more than she could say. Se could see that he was waiting for her to go on, but she needed to think a little longer. Torin on the other hand, found that he couldn't keep waiting.

 

“And now?” He asked tentatively.

 

She breathed out hard. “It is better. I know that its still there, I can feel it, and will always be there. But it isn't strong anymore. It's… more like a nagging presence. Some days it is harder to put to one side than others.”

 

“It must be hard.”

 

“It is. I've been so afraid that I will lose control again. I couldn't… no I won't live like that, I refuse to. Some how, knowing that it isn't as strong as it was does help. I know I control it and not the other way round now. I'm never going to let it get strong again. The more time that goes on the easier it gets. It helps that you're here.”

 

He smiled as she caressed his cheek gently, a soft smile playing across her lips. She drifted into thought again so he got up and perched on the arm of the chair, sliding an arm round her shoulders gently.

 

“Where else would I be?” He murmured.

 

“Thank you.” She breathed softly, squeezing his hand.

 

“No need. So what now?”

 

“Now, I'm not sure. I'm myself again, or rather as much as I ever will be. I'm going to be changed by this, but not too much I hope.”

 

“You've not changed love, you've learnt from your mistakes. Its something that we all have to do, learn and move on.”

 

“Yes.” She replied thoughtfully. Now that brought her to something she had been thinking about for quite some time. “I want to go back.” She said quietly, staring into the flames of the fire.

 

“To the club?” He asked surprised.

 

“Yes…well…eventually. But that wasn't what I was thinking about.”

 

“Then where?” He probed gently.

 

“To the apartment. I've never been back since my change. You're right, we learn and we move on. I've never put that part of my life behind me, closed the chapter so to speak.”

 

He looked away from her thinking for a moment. He was concerned that it might be painful for her, but after all that had happened, perhaps it would do her some good.

 

“Alright. When?”

 

“Tonight.” She said firmly. It was already nearing dawn outside. “It's time I finally accepted everything, the good and the bad. Its time to close that door and take the next step.”

 

Torin thought about it for a moment and nodded. If she was really ready to do this, then of course he would support her. He smiled his acquiescence and that was that. No more words passed between them now. They sat together in a comfortable silence, basking in the heat of the fire watching the flames. They sat unaware that their conversation had been observed.

 

* * * * *

 

Demetriov slipped away quietly and headed to the study. Her progress pleased him. While every part of him had ached for her, and still did, he had known it best to leave her with her lover after the change. She needed time to adjust, accept her new life in its entirety before making his move. This recent incident had worried him immensely. It had threatened to set things back by a long way. Now perversely, it seemed that in some strange way it was helping her to move forward. Oh yes, it seemed that things were moving along quite nicely.

 

* * * * *

 

Tegan stood looking at the apartment block. There was a heavy weight in her heart. Doing this seemed so… final. She wanted to do this, hell she knew that she needed to do this. Still, by taking this step, it meant she was accepting `IT'. `IT' being her life as a vampire, `IT' being that she had finally lost to Demetriov, `IT' being that she was a killer. Was she really okay with all of that? Perhaps not, but the facts were never going to change no matter how much she wished otherwise. She was as okay with all of this as she was ever going to be.

 

She heard footsteps behind her, Torin having agreed to meet her after feeding separately now she no longer felt the need for his presence during the act. He was a little surprised to see her still outside the building. It obviously wasn't as easy to say goodbye to the past as she might have thought. He drew level with slipping a hand round her waist. The two stood in silence for a moment, Torin letting her gather her thoughts. He heard her sigh heavily.

 

“Ready?” He asked softly.

 

“As I'll ever be.” She replied with a tight smile.

 

With that the two of them made their way inside. The ride in the lift seemed to stretch out forever, Tegan's chest seeming to tighten as they neared their destination. She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm her trembling hands. She unlocked the door, closing her eyes and pushing the door open before her. Now it didn't matter how hard she tried to stop the trembling, it had become impossible. Torin sensed her difficulty and placed his hand supportively in the small of her back. This seemed to galvanise her, and turning on the lights she stepped inside her previous home.

 

She looked around her in a torrent of emotion. She didn't know how she really felt being back here. What should she feel? She crossed to the desk in the corner of the lounge. The laptop her uncle had given her what seemed an age ago lay dormant. She ran her fingers over the closed surface, touching her last connection to her family. A pang of guilt shot through her, she had not been in contact with Lynn since shortly before Devon's demise. There was no way she could contact her now and tell her all that had happened. She thought about taking the device with her, but she knew now that she had to leave it behind with her old life.

 

Torin had come up behind her and now rested his hands on her shoulders gently. Tegan closed her eyes as he kissed her hair softly.

 

“You okay?”

 

She nodded. “It's harder than I thought.”

 

He sighed and wrapped his arms around her now. “We can go if you want.”

 

“No.” She replied firmly. “I need to do this. I'm here now, there's no point in turning back.”

 

She eased herself out of his hold and headed to the bedroom. She stood in the doorway her hand on the light switch for a long time. This room had been the scene of so many events. Her love and passion that she had shared with Torin, her recovery space, and the setting for Demetriov's final triumph. It held so many memories for her. She made herself enter, finally flicking the switch, knowing perfectly well what she was here to find. As she reached the chest of drawers by the window she saw the object she had planned to see.

 

There before her lay her belt, the two blades she had designed herself safely nestled in their custom holster. With these she had killed vampires, her enemy, the enemy she had become. While that thought brought a tumult of emotions to bear, she realised for the first time that she did not entirely regret her decision. So it had come to pass, she was losing her negative feelings towards her fate. Painful as it was, it was time to put her mortal life in the past and move on.

 

She found herself reaching out to touch them, this piece of her past. She knew she shouldn't but she couldn't resist the inexplicable pull of the objects before her. She knew it would hurt and closed her eyes as she made contact. She gritted her teeth as the silver seared the flesh of her palm and fingers. She let go, brining her damaged hand for closer examination, watching as the scorched flesh healed. She sighed. It didn't get much clearer than that did it? Even the blades that had been through so much with her were no longer friends to her now. She had seen enough.

 

She turned away, looking back sadly one last time before turning out the light. She turned to the man waiting patiently for her, sadness in her eyes. She smiled at him weakly, pushing her hair behind her ear. A childish gesture she knew, but a habit she reverted to when she was nervous or sad. He picked up on it and crossed to her, stroking her arm supportively.

 

“Seen all you need to?” He questioned perceptively.

 

“There's nothing here for me anymore.” The sadness in her voice pierced him to the core.

 

He sighed. In some ways the fact that this place held nothing for her saddened him too. While her life had been dangerous, in a strange way they had been happy.

 

“There's no point in dwelling in the past. What's done is done and nothing's going to change that.” She stated to no one in particular, just voicing her feelings.

 

He smiled. “You're right.” He chuckled. “So much has happened in my life, both good and bad, but when it all comes down to it it's true. It's gone and the past won't change. Since I met you I haven't wanted it to. Perhaps for the first time I realise that now.”

 

She smiled in return. “Let's go.” She murmured. “Life is waiting to be lived.”

 

He smiled warmly at her before slipping his arm around her waist. As they left Tegan looked back one last time. She turned out the light before closing the door of the apartment, closing the door on her old life. No regrets.

 

* * * * *

 

So it happened, Tegan finally accepted her new life. Things were better for a while though she was still careful. The fragility within her remained, but it lessened over time. I thought she might finally be able to get past things, the glazed looks I so hated were gone, and she was mine. But like all good things, an end had to come. We had forgotten about Demetriov and his schemes, and we had underestimated just how far he was willing to go to get what he wanted.