Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Drinks and a Plan ❯ Drinks and a Plan ( Chapter 1 )

Drinks and a Plan

 

Two men sat drinking in the dimly-lit kitchen while the Canadian winter raged outside, red-faced and laughing. A red-bearded man entered and set his briefcase on the table. Drawing forth three slim envelopes, he slid one to each man and announced, `Gentlemen, these documents contain the key to our plans to conquer the world.'

 

The two seated men read silently for a few minutes while the newcomer rooted for a beer in the fridge. The pasty blonde, who had the look of a man who spent most of his day staring into computer screens, muttered, `“Heero pulled Duo down to the tent floor and nuzzled the long-haired boy.” Wait a minute!' The blonde looked up. `I know these names: they're characters from one of those cartoons my daughter watches on Cartoon Network every afternoon. And they're both teenage boys! What is this stuff?'

 

`They call it fanfiction, stories about characters other people created,' replied the bearded man. He returned to the table and set down a cold bottle. `There are hundreds of websites and mailing lists devoted to this stuff. The story you hold in your hands is actually a fairly well-written sample. Most of what I've seen would drive an English teacher to homicide.'

 

`And just how will this “fanfiction” help us take over the world?' asked the hitherto silent man in slim glasses. `It's all very well and good that fans are writing stories about their favourite characters, though I do not approve of pairing men together in this way.' He waved contemptuously at the papers.

 

`That's one of the most popular variations on it, actually. Some call it slash, some call it “yaoi,” particularly when the story is based on Japanese cartoons.' The bearded man popped his bottle open and drank deeply before continuing. `If we start a fanfiction archive site, the fans will inevitably fill our servers with slash, almost all of it mind-numbingly unreadable. Of course, there will also be a smaller number of stories with heterosexual pairings; but most of them will have similar effects.

 

`The fanfiction archive is only part of my plan. The second part is this.' He laid a number of black-and-white images on the table. All were depictions of various popular cartoon characters, ranging from almost-professional quality to mere stick figures with outlandish hair. One of the best-executed had a peculiar spiral pattern in the background. The viewer's eye slid to the pair of nude fawns necking in the foreground, but it inevitably followed the spiral's curve as it did so. Upon closer examination, the curve was a jagged mass of symbols.

 

`I see. The fanfiction softens their minds and lowers their resistance to suggestion,' said the man in glasses. `But what would be the purpose of this artwork? I know you are a competent artist, but I've seen kindergarteners draw better than this.' He slid one particularly crude sketch into the center.

 

The bearded man preened. `I know. I can add subliminal messages to my artwork and add it to the archives, messages instructing the viewer to obey our every command.'

 

`But how are we to issue the commands?' asked the blonde. He leaned back and tapped the lip of a bottle against his yellowing teeth. `Perhaps a message board of some kind? With one of those, we should be able to recruit followers from around the world. As it happens, I'm learning a new programming language designed to create message boards.'

 

`An excellent idea, my friend,' declared the man in glasses. `With their minds softened by fanfiction, and conditioned by our comrade's artwork, the masses will obey our every whim! As figures of authority on the site, we shall have their unquestioning obedience!' He rubbed his hands together and a manic grin spread across his face.

 

`Wait a minute. Let's be honest,' said the programmer: `No matter how well we prepare them, most people won't trust three strange men they met online. We need a public face, someone the members will trust. Someone…gentler than any of us.'

 

`I second that. However, it is more important to start the site than it is to find someone to front for us. We can find this person after we start up,' suggested the man in glasses. `It would be best if we keep our plans from this person. He will be better trusted if he does not have to deceive anyone.'

 

`We are agreed, then?' The three nodded in reply to the bearded man's question. `Then we shall begin design of the website tomorrow. It shall be named Fic Quarry.' The three raised their drinks to toast the name and their future conquest.

 

Note: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any people, places, or events is wholly unintentional and accidental unless libelous in purpose.

This is just something that came to me one night for absolutely no reason at all except for my observations, and those by my friends, on how bad fanfiction can literally lower one's IQ.

Version 1.01 (4 April, 2005): fixed the formatting, which reviewers pointed out as hard to read; padded the story just a bit.

In response to Becca Stareye's review: Using single quotes for dialogue and double quotes for quotations within quotations is the standard in British English. I use this convention because it makes more sense to me.