Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass ❯ Chapter 1

A Californian jackass rents some Japanese S & M DVDs. "Wow, geisha chicks are hot!" he says, watching a woman in a kimono moan as she's tied up. The jackass maxes out his credit card to fly to Japan, hoping to score with some "geisha chicks." Unable to speak Japanese, he's fortunate that the taxi driver understands English when he says, "Take me to where the chicks are at."

"Chickens?"

"Chicks. Babes. Women!" the jackass shouts in frustration at the taxi driver's ignorance of American slang.

The taxi driver takes him to a fancy bar. After paying off the driver, the jackass swaggers towards the bar like he owns the place, ignoring the angry stare of the bouncer at the door.

Inside, the jackass sees a yakuza sitting in a corner as prostitute kneels between his legs, performing fellatio.

"Baka!" The yakuza slaps the prostitute for not doing a good job.

"Cool!" The jackass swaggers up to the bartender. "How much for a BJ?"

The bartender is fluent in English, but not in American slang. "A what?"

"BJ. A blowjob. Head!"

The bartender points to a woman in a trench coat, who marches into the bar. "Ask her. She delivers heads."

The woman takes a seat and orders a double of vodka. The jackass swaggers to the woman's side, not noticing the yakuza throw hundred dollar bills at the prostitute before he runs out of the bar, as if the building was about to collapse on his head.

"How much for head?"

The woman empties her shot glass in one gulp. "Fifty to one-hundred thousand dollars per head, depending on whose you want."

"What?! That's highway robbery!" the jackass exclaims.

"I am the best. Your money will be well spent." The woman puts down the empty glass and grabs the second one.

"Listen, Princess,"-- the jackass reaches for the woman's shoulder-- "you better stop being such a snobby bitch, or I'll knock you off your throne and..."

The bartender opens his mouth to say, "Don't...!" He's too late.

The woman lets go of the glass and reaches into her coat to draw a katana, a Japanese long sword. She beheads the jackass, shakes the blood off her katana, sheathes it, and catches the glass before it hits the table. Her arm moved too fast to see; it seemed like a ghost had removed the jackass' head.

The bartender watches the headless body fall off its stool, spraying blood all over the floor as heart continues pumping blood. "Shiden-sama," Miss Violet Lightning, "please..."

"He wanted a head. He should've used the one he had." Blood had spilled into the woman's vodka. She ignores the taste as she empties the glass in one gulp, pays her bill, and leaves.

"Not again." The bartender picks up the phone and calls a professional to dispose of the body.

(By Sidewinder, 2005.)