Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass ❯ Chapter 2

Two Californian jackasses spend the weekend watching some slasher movies they rented. "Wow, psycho killers are so cool!" "It must be fun stalking a chick through a dark forest!" "Hey, I got an idea! Why don't we become psycho killers, kidnap some chicks, and release them in the woods so we can stalk them?" "Hey, that'll be awesome!"

The neighbor angrily knocks on the wall. "It's freaking midnight, and I'm trying to get some sleep! Quiet down next door, or I'm calling the cops!"

"Bitch." The jackasses turn down the volume and continue watching a movie.

The next day, the jackasses drive to town and return the movies. "You know where we can find some hot chicks?"

"The college is a good place to start," the video store clerk answers.

"Thanks, dude." The jackasses go to a hardware store to buy some rope. Jackass One buys a chainsaw to imitate his favorite psycho killer. Jackass Two buys work gloves, kitchen knives, and superglue, sticks the knives through the fingers of a glove, and glues the blades in place to form claws, like the one used by his favorite. Then the jackasses drive to the local college in search of chicks to kidnap.

Jackass One points at a student. "How about her?"

"No, her hair's too short for me to grab so I can pull her face towards me and scare her by waving my claws in front of her." Jackass Two waves his claws to demonstrate.

"Like Freddy?"

"Damn right."

"How about her?"

"No, her boobs are too small."

"Yeah. We need someone with big boobs who can scream good, like that chick in 'Halloween'."

Jackass One points at a teacher. "How about her?"

"No, she's too old. She looks like my mom."

"Dude, your mom ain't too old! She's hot, a mom I'd love to...!"

Jackass Two slashes One's shoulder.

"Ow! What you do that for?!" Jackass One demands, putting a hand over the cuts.

"Don't talk about my mom like that!"

"Bitch! I'll talk about her any way I wanna!" Jackass One grabs the chainsaw in the back seat. He tries to start the chainsaw motor. "Shit! Why won't this piece of shit start?!"

"You forgot to fill the gas tank, dumbass! That's why!"

Jackass One swings the chainsaw at Two's forehead, cutting the skin.

"Ah!" Jackass Two puts his glove over his forehead, and accidentally cuts his scalp. "Ah, shit!"

"You want some more of this, bitch?!" Jackass One swings back the chainsaw to attack again, but accidentally cracks the windshield. "Shit! My car!"

Students, alerted by the noise, look through the car window and see the jackasses covered in blood. "Ahhhh!" "Somebody call the cops!"

"Shit!" Jackass One steps on the gas.

"Where the fuck are we going?!"

"Home, that's where!"

Jackass Two throws the bloody glove out the window. "Fuck, I'm bleeding all over the place! We got to go to the hospital!"

Jackass One remembers the cuts on his shoulder. "Fuck, you're right!"

At the hospital, the jackasses tell the doctor they were attacked by a psycho killer. The doctor calls the police department, and a female detective interviews the jackasses as they lie in bed. "Dude, that cop is hot!" Jackass One whispers, staring at the detective's butt as she exits the room.

"Hey, you think she'll make a good victim?"

"Hey, you're right! Wait, I left my chainsaw in the car. What am I gonna use to threaten her?"

"I got an idea!" Jackass Two pulls the IV needle out of his veins. "Ow, ow, ow!" He holds the needle like a knife. "We can... uh... threaten to poke out her eyes!"

"Yeah!" Jackass One imitates Two. "Ow, ow, ow!" They sneak up to the door and open it.

The detective, who stands guard over the room, asks, "Where are you going?"

"Um, to the restroom."

"You better stay in your room for your own safety. I'll call a nurse." The detective turns away.

The jackasses close the door. "Shit, what are we gonna do?" "Let's grab her gun and kidnap her." "Good idea," they whisper. Each jackass takes off a sock, pokes eyeholes in it to make a mask, and pulls on the sock over his head. "Shit, this stinks!" "Yeah, you should've done the laundry last weekend." "No, you should've! It was your turn!" "Was not!" "Was too!" They grab each other, wrestle, and slam against the door, which bursts open as the detective and a nurse approach, gossiping like old friends.

Both women draw .45 caliber pistols and target the jackasses. "Identify yourselves!"

The jackasses stand up and turn to each other. "What are we gonna do?" "Don't worry, they're chicks. They can't hit the broad side of a barn." "Yeah, that's right!"

"I'm an expert shot!" the detective, a former military policewoman, protests.

"I practice at the range every weekend! I can hit the bull's eye of a 50 meter target!" the nurse protests.

"You think they're bluffing?" "They're chicks! They got to be bluffing!" The jackasses face the detective and the nurse, waving the needles like weapons. "We're psycho killers! We're here to kill you!" They each take one step forwards.

"Freeze!" "Don't move!"

The jackasses ignore the women's warnings, and each takes another step forwards. Each is shot twice in the chest. "Ah!" 'This ain't as cool as it looks in the movies,' they think before the detective and the nurse each shoot a jackass in the head, killing them. Their dreams of being psycho killers end with the confused detective wondering what went on in their heads... assuming their heads had brains inside.

(By Sidewinder, 2005.)