Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass ❯ Chapter 3

A Californian jackass downloads 'Penetrator', a Japanese pornographic movie.

Onscreen, Penetrator, a man in a black leather mask and costume, grabs a blonde schoolgirl's wrist. "Your clothes and your demeanor mark you as a slut!" he says in English as he tears off the girl's clothes. "Accept divine judgment!"

"Awesome!" the jackass exclaims, watching the blonde moan in masochistic pleasure as Penetrator violates her.

The next day, the jackass maxes out a credit card to buy a leather costume. "The land was once a pure paradise, but the sluts have tainted it!" he exclaims, echoing Penetrator as he steps out his apartment door. "I am the Sky God's sword! I will penetrate the sluts and deliver divine judgment to them!" A beer bottle hits the back of his head. "Ow!"

"It's eleven p.m.!" The neighbor angrily shakes another bottle. "People are trying to sleep!"

The jackass runs to the stairs before his neighbor decides to throw the bottle. "Fuck, I can barely see through the eyeholes!" He trips and falls down the stairs. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" He gets up and limps down the rest of the way. "Time to hunt!" He creeps down the street, enters a convenience store, and approaches the saleswoman behind the counter.

"What the hell...?" escapes from the woman's lips. Then she remembers to smile. "May I help you?"

"To work late into the darkness of the night is typical of a slut!" He reaches for her shirt collar. "Accept divine...!"

The woman draws a .45 caliber pistol and targets the jackass' head. "Freeze!"

"Oh shit!" The jackass turns around and runs out the door. "She's not supposed to fight back!" he whines, thinking of the actresses in 'Penetrator'. He jumps behind the dumpster as the saleswoman steps out the door, seeking the jackass from behind her gunsight.

Minutes later, a police car pulls up to the store. "You okay, Shelly?" a policewoman asks as she exits the car.

"Yeah, but the creep got away," the saleswoman answers.

The jackass stares at the policewoman's butt as she enters the store. "How dare she dress up as a man?! She's denying her place in society! I must right this wrong by punishing this slut!" The jackass creeps towards the police car and tries to open the passenger-side door, planning to hide inside as the policewoman drives away, and then assault her. "Shit! It's locked!" He creeps around the car and tries to open the driver-side door. "Shit!" He doesn't notice the policewoman approach the car.

"Freeze!" She draws a .45 caliber pistol and targets the jackass' head. "Identify yourself!"

"Oh shit!" The jackass runs away. Fortunately, the policewoman assumes he's trying to lead her into a trap, and chooses not to pursue him.

"I'm beat." The jackass goes home, sleeps until noon, and wakes up. "How am I gonna...? I know! I'll launch a daring assault in broad daylight! The sluts will never expect that!" He wears a trench coat over the leather costume. "Shit, it's hot!" He creeps down the street, past a house, and sees a housewife mixing cake batter through the kitchen window. "For whom is she cooking for? Her man's at work and her children are at school. She must be a slut, waiting for her lover to come and taste her sweetness!" The jackass creeps to the living room window and tries to open it, triggering an alarm. "Oh shit!"

The housewife steps into the living room, holding several kitchen knives between the fingers of her left hand. "Help!" she screams as her right hand takes the knives and throws them one by one.

"Ah! Ah! Ah!" The jackass turns around and runs away, shaking the three knives embedded in his left shoulder and aggravating the wounds. "Ah!"

"Help!" the housewife screams again.

"Why won't someone help me?! I'm fucking cut like a fucking Thanksgiving turkey!" The jackass extracts the blades from his shoulder. "Ow, ow, ow!" He goes home, grabs a T-shirt from his closet, and tears it. "Shit! My Asia Erotica shirt!" he whines, noticing the picture of two women kissing on the shirt. "Shit!" The jackass takes off the costume and uses the shirt to bandage his wounds. "Ow!" He uses duct tape to mend his costume, and tries to put it on. "Ow! Shit, it's sticking to the bandages!" The jackass pulls on the sleeve. "Ow!" He loses his balance, knocks his head against the floor, and falls unconscious.

The jackass wakes up three hours later. "What time is it?" He turns on the television. "Cartoons? School's out! I better hurry if I wanna violate some schoolgirls!" The jackass runs out the door, towards a high school, and hides behind a tree. Minutes later, two schoolgirls walk together through the front gate. "Lesbians! The Sky Gods frown upon such perversion! As their sword, I must deliver divine judgment to them!" The jackass steps in front of the schoolgirls.

"Good afternoon, Sir," a girl politely says, her left hand behind her back as she in front of her friend. "May I help you?"

"I am Penetrator! You two are lesbian sluts!" He reaches for the girl's hair, planning to grab it and drag her behind the tree. "Face divine...!"

The girl draws a .40 caliber pistol from the holster at the small of her back, and targets the jackass' head. "Back off, creep!"

"Ha! You can't scare me with a toy...!" The pistol blurs before the jackass' eyes. "Ah!" he screams when the girl shoots his right knee, making him fall on it. "You bitch! That's a real gun!"

"Yes it is. Now back off, or I'll shoot out your left knee."

"Oh shit!" The jackass crawls away. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!" He enters a phone booth, takes off his mask, and dials 911.

An ambulance takes the jackass to a hospital, where surgeons remove the bullet and treat the cuts. "You say two lesbian sluts did this to you?" a surgeon asks.

"Yeah! I must punish them!" the jackass swears. After the operation, a police detective enters his recovery room and asks him to describe his assailants. The jackass describes two actresses in 'Penetrator' instead. "I must punish them!"

"Stay put. That's my job." The detective exits the room. "Take care of him. I think he's delusional," he whispers to a nurse.

"I will." The nurse enters the room. "Good evening, Sir. How do you feel?"

"I'll be fine if you let me squeeze your boobs. They're big, like a porn star's."

The nurse suppresses a frown. "Well, you don't seem to be in any pain. I guess the medication's working." She takes out a thermometer as the jackass reaches for her breasts. "Hey!" The nurse jabs the thermometer into the forehead.

"Ah!" the jackass cries when the thermometer breaks, cutting his skin.

"Keep your hands to yourself, or I'll have them amputated!"

"Fuck, I'm fucking bleeding to death, you fucking bitch!"

The nurse's right forearm slams against the jackass' right temple, knocking him unconscious. "Creep." She throws the broken glass into the trash, cleans and bandages the cut, takes out another thermometer, and takes the jackass' temperature.

The jackass is in a bad mood when he's discharged from the hospital. "Fucking bitches won't accept divine judgment and let me violate them. I know! I'll go to Japan! Jap bitches will let me violate them!" He maxes out another credit card to buy a plane ticket.

On the plane, the stewardess notices the jackass sweating profusely. "Would you like a drink, sir?"

The jackass, wearing a trench coat over his costume, answers, "Do you have seaweed sake?"

"Seaweed sake?"

"You know, where I drink sake out of your cunt. Ah!" the jackass cries when the stewardess slaps him.

"Pervert."

The jackass watches the stewardess angrily stomp away from him. "Man, I got to fuck a slut, like, fucking yesterday!"

It's midnight when the plane lands in Tokyo. The jackass limps through the terminal, past a bookstore, where a newspaper headline states, "'Penetrator' Star Shot and Killed Outside Tokyo High School." Unable to read Japanese, the jackass limps out of the airport to see a woman in a trench coat. "Oh yeah!" He puts on his mask and creeps towards the woman. When the woman is 25 meters away, she suddenly turns to him. "Gasp!"

The trench coat flutters like a raven's wings as the woman marches towards the jackass. "State your business."

The jackass stands like a stone wall, expressing confidence he doesn't have. "Your clothes and your demeanor mark you as a slut!" He reaches for the woman's wrist. "Accept...!"

The woman reaches into her coat to draw a katana, a Japanese long sword. She beheads the jackass, shakes the blood off her katana, and sheathes it. "How dare you insult me? This is your punishment." She walks away, leaving behind the body to be found the next morning, which confuses the police detectives investigating the 'Penetrator' star's death.

(By Sidewinder, 2005.)