Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Jackass ❯ Chapter 4

Four Californian jackasses are playing air guitars as they watch a music video. "Man, rock stars are so cool!"

"Yeah, it must be cool to have hot chicks tearing off your shirt to feel you up," Jackass Two says, describing a scene in the music video.

"Hey, why don't we form a rock band? Then we'll be rock stars, and hot chicks will be tearing off our shirts to feel us up!"

"Awesome!"

"But how are we gonna get the money to buy guitars?" Jackass Four asks.

The jackasses lower their heads in thought. Then Jackass One snaps his fingers. "We'll rob a bank!"

"Yeah! Then we'll be rock star bank robbers, and... be cooler than plain old rock stars!" Jackass Two adds.

"I'll go get some guns," Jackass Three says as he walks to the door. The jackasses didn't consider the fact that none of them know how to play the guitar.

At a pawnshop, Jackass Three stares at a M1911A1 .45 caliber pistol. "That gun looks so cool." He turns to the pawnshop owner and says, "I'll take it."

"800 dollars."

"What?!"

"800 dollars is a good price for a M1911A1," the pawnshop owner says.

"But that means I got to rob a bank, just so I can to buy a gun so I can rob a bank!" Jackass Three protests.

"Watch your mouth, young man. I got to report you to the police and let them do a background check before I let you have a gun." 'Is this guy on drugs?' the pawnshop owner wonders.

"Shit!" Jackass Three goes back to his apartment and explains the problem to his roommates.

"What are we gonna do now?" Jackass Four wonders.

The jackasses lower their heads in thought. Then Jackass One snaps his fingers. "I know! We can fill water pistols with lighter fluid to make flamethrowers!"

"Yeah! Then we'll be rock stars bank robbers with flamethrowers, and... be cooler than plain old rock stars or bank robbers!"

"I'll go get some water guns and some lighter fluid," Jackass Three says as he walks to the door.

One hour later, Jackass Three returns, and the jackasses fill the water guns with lighter fluid. "Let's see if it works."

Jackass One squirts lighter fluid on Jackass Two, who protests, "Hey! You're ruining my hair!"

"Why ain't flames coming out?"

"That's 'cause you forgot to light it, dumbass!" Jackass Two says as he pulls out a lighter and strikes the flint, sending out a spark that ignites the lighter fluid in his hair. "Shit!" He runs around the room in panic, and then trips over the coffee table. His head shatters into the television screen, knocking him unconscious.

"Shit! What are we gonna watch MTV on now?" Jackass Four cries.

"Don't be a crybaby! We'll buy a bigger, better TV after we rob the bank!" Jackass One exclaims. He leads Jackasses Three and Four out of the apartment. They forget about Jackass Two, whose burning hair ignites the carpet.

Jackass Three drives his roommates to the bank. "Ready?"

"Wait! Ain't we supposed to wear a mask before we rob a bank?" Jackass Four adds.

Jackass One slaps his forehead. "Shit! I almost forgot!"

Jackass Three looks around inside the car. "What are we gonna make the masks out of?"

The jackasses lower their heads in thought. Then Jackass One snaps his fingers. "I know! We'll use our socks!"

"Don't they stink?" Jackass Four notes.

"You got a better idea?" Jackass One challenges.

Having no better ideas, the jackasses each take off one sock and stretch it over their heads. "Shit, it does stink!" Jackass Four protests.

"I can't see!" Jackass Three adds.

"Shut up! We got a bank to rob!" Jackass One opens the door and walks onto the road. He doesn't see an approaching truck, which runs over him. "Ahhhh!"

"What the fuck just happened?" Jackass Four walks into the side of the truck, which had stopped. "Ow! My nose!"

The truck driver turns to the jackass. "Hey, you! Call 911! There's been an accident!"

"A witness!" Jackass Four squirts lighter fluid onto the ground in front of the truck driver.

"Stop playing around and call 911!" the truck driver adds.

"Shit! I forgot to light it!" Jackass Four cries.

"I got it." Jackass Three walks towards Jackass Four, takes out a lighter, and sets Jackass Four's shirt on fire.

"Ahhhh!" The burning jackass runs into the side of the truck, knocking himself unconscious.

The bank security guards, alerted by the jackasses' screams, approach Jackass Three. They think the water gun is a real gun, and draw their pistols. "Halt! Drop your weapon!"

"You're not gonna get me alive, coppers!" Jackass Three shouts, quoting the villain in an old cartoon. He remembers to hold the lighter in front of the water gun, and sends flames towards the guards.

The flames extinguish before they hit their targets, which were too far away. The guards fire their pistols, killing the jackass.

That evening, the jackasses become famous as the "Flaming Bank Robbers." Jackass Four gets his shirt torn off by hot chicks. Unfortunately, the hot chicks are doctors and nurses who are treating his burns.

(By Sidewinder, 2007.)