Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Once upon a time ❯ The Bandit ( Chapter 1 )

Once upon a time in a far off land, catfish and foxes were engaged in a long battle of control of the cats and their diamonds. Many innocent human children were destroyed as sacrifices to the foxes' pagan gods of the harvest and fertility. Then one day a heroic ferret arrived to end the war; his name was Ferret because his parents lacked imagination and he wore a strong armor made of metal. Well he didn't wear armor because he was poor; he wore jeans and a T-Shirt. And well he really didn't come to end the war either, he was just hungry and well the fox queen was excellent at baking cookies.

 

So as Ferret walked to the fox kingdom he wondered why he didn't just get a Big Mac at a local McDonalds instead of venturing thousands of miles to another kingdom just for some cookies. But he'd never been accused of being a rational ferret, and well he really had nothing better to do. Then a bandit with poor grammar jumped out from behind a bush.

 

“I are not free thoug!” The evil bandit screamed, “I is under eivl powar, thaths wat the beared man saided! I will murder yous!”

 

“There's only one of me, and I'm a God so you can't kill me.” Ferret lied

 

“God b you? Is you com sabes mee?” The grammar butchering bandit asked.

 

“No, now leave me alone you annoying man!” Ferret walked pass the bandit who started crying

 

“But I am have be under eivl powar to Inog!”

 

“Sounds like a personal problem to me.” Ferret continued walking

 

“But if I am not robs you, my childrens must be abortioned!”

 

“Oh, that sounds terrible.” Ferret frowned, “But I still don't care.”

 

“Butt you ise a Gods and y yuo no be cares?”

 

“It's because I hate you, your existence was created to be a funny joke against your kind.” Ferret started laughing, “You're kinda like the platypus!”

 

“BUT WHYS YOU NO HELP!?”

 

“Fine you are now a moron, though you'll probably notice no change in your overall levels of pure stupidity.” Ferret continued walking.

 

“But I'm alls readi stooped, da docter saids I'm b retarded! Cun yoo fixed my stoopiod brains and frees me from te eivl powar?” The bandit said

 

“You're beyond fixing; the only way to fix you is to kill you.” Ferret chuckled

 

“If eye r b murderik meselves will u are for revival me?” The bandit said as he held a large rock above his head with all his retard strength

 

Ferret smiled, “I don't see why not.”

 

“Otay, me beat head ball in nao?” the bandit said

 

“Get on with it, I'm bored again.” Ferret said and watched as the bandit dropped the large rock onto his own head and smashed his own brains in. Once the bandit fell over dead, Ferret walked on saying, “Well that was stupid.”

 

The news of this reached the Fox Queen who was really kind of disinterested in the whole thing except that someone wanted her cookies that she baked with love and care. She bid her advisors leave her to her baking and she started making chocolate chip cookies.

 

Word of this reached the Catfish leader, The Bearded Man who was quite displeased at the loss of one of his soldiers. He deemed that the only way that this ferret could have killed the bandit was by using magic.

 

“He must be the chosen one!” The Bearded Man proclaimed and his catfish roared out their agreement.

 

“We must kill him before he gets to the fox queen!” Proclaimed a catfish

 

“Noo we must capture him and use him against the foxes!” Said another catfish

 

Meanwhile Ferret found a coconut lying by the road.

 

“Why hello there good sir, we have not met in a long time.” Ferret said as he picked up the spectacled coconut, “Now what was your name again?”

 

“…” replied the coconut

 

“Ah yes, Adam! How could I have forgotten?” Ferret held his coconut to the sky and continued on his way, “You where going to get some cookies too weren't you?”

 

“…” Adam replied

 

“Haha, that's a good one! You still have that amazing wit about you my friend!” Ferret chuckled and continued along his way.