Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ Stones of Summer: Instinct ❯ Early Fall/18 ( Chapter 8 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Chapter Nine
Early Fall/18

“ We don't know who we are until we see what we can do.”
Martha Grimes
When my parents arrived home, I stayed in my room, unwilling to see them. Chris had been at my door nearly the entire night, begging me to come out, to talk to him. I buried myself in the closest with Way's jacket, my deer skin, and the rest of my blankets. When my parents returned, I was left in relative silence, although I could hear them talking with Chris, he still sounded frantic, his voice was easy to pick up. Mom and dad's voices were low and I couldn't understand them.
It wasn't long until there was a knocking at my door.
“Jancy? Can we come in?” I pressed in tighter to my blankets, willing myself to be invisible, saying nothing. I heard dad grunt as he pushed against my door, my dresser prohibiting him. Finally, with a scrape of my floors, the dresser moved and I'm guessing dad was the one to stumble into the room.
“She's not here?” I stared cautiously at the grains of the door, expecting it to open.
“I'll go check the outer perimeter. She can't have gotten far.” Chris left, I still could hear his footsteps.
“Be careful, Myali is prowling!” Mom yelled after him. The tigers were back. There was some shuffling around in my room before my parents left. The screen door slammed behind them, signaling their departure from the house. I exhaled noisily and laid back in the cramped space. I would have to face them some time, but right now, I wanted to hide. I wanted to disappear. I was overwhelmed. This was too much for my brain to work through. On top of everything that had happened, no one knew it had happened. I was alone. I had been abandoned.

When I finally crept out of my hiding place, the sun was rising even higher into the sky, and the heat had built. Despite the fact that I was already sweating, I pulled sweats on and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I peeked outside my bedroom, not seeing anybody. Creeping through the hall, I jerked back when I bumped into someone. I looked up, horrified at such a stupid mistake. Ferguson stood over me, giving me a confused look.
“There ya' are. Ya' parents are runnin' around lookin' fer' ya'.” I shrugged and moved around him. I moved into the living room, and jumped when mom came storming in. She stopped abruptly when she saw me, a shocked look flitting across her face before it was replaced with a smile.
“Hi honey. We've been looking all over for you.” She hugged me and I fought not to shudder. She let me go and was passing through the house again. She called from the kitchen and I followed the sound of her voice. She gave me another smile, although this one, just like the last, seemed hesitant, guarded.
“ Don't you look good. Where did my sister take you to get such a tan? I can't remember London ever being thatsunny.” She looked at me expectantly. I bit my lip and twiddled my thumbs.
“We visited, Aunt Julie had some business in Kent, we spent some time there.” It was a total lie. Mom smiled again, and I knew she knew I lied. Way had told me, I wasn't a very good liar. But I had to become a good one, if I was to out live this. I would have to do what Nao-shin told me, I had to forget, everything.
“I bet that was fun.” I nodded and turned away. I couldn't face her, not while remembering everything she could never learn about. She would hate me, she would think I was dirty and an animal. I doubt she'd ever look at me the same.
“Jance?” I whipped around to face her, my eyes wide.
“I'm sorry, what?” The words felt foreign on my tongue. I was not used to speaking English, or speaking at all. It was odd to have to think about the words I wanted to say before I could actually say them. She stared at me, her eyes expressing the urge to throw a dozen questions and demands at me, but she held her tongue, instead shaking her head and smiling sorrowfully. She pressed her lips to my brow and she hugged me once more.
“It's good to have you home, we all missed you very much.” My heart ached. She could not possibly know the affect those words had on my heart. I hugged her back, pretty sure my embrace was more painful than she had expected.
“Me too mom, me too.” I whispered, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. Finally I pushed away and looked away.
“Do you need any help with anything?” She looked at me more shocked then when she had first nearly run me over.
“Um, oh, well, You can help us unpack.” She gave me a suspicious look and I nodded, moving outside. Just as I reached the trucks, dad popped up from nowhere, making me lurch back in surprise. He stared at me quizzically before handing me a box filled with neatly filed papers. I dropped them in the office and then went back for more. When I got there, nearly everyone was there, speaking in low tones. As dad and mom passed me, both with things piled high in their arms, they glanced at me and then each other. Ferguson patted me on the head as he called that he was 'gonna go check on the younger she-tigers to make sure they had made it alright.' I cringed and turned back to the truck in hopes that no one would see my reaction. I turned right into the full gale of Chris's stare. He was pulling things out of the truck and stacking them on the ground. I picked up a suitcase, struggling with the weight. Without a word he took it from me, strutting past me in seconds. I picked up the next box and moved into the house to place it down on the kitchen table. I didn't even know what was in it, but I didn't want to be anywhere else.
“You okay?” I froze and exhaled slowly through my mouth. Turning slowly, I was astounded at how well everyone was sneaking up on me.
Chris stood with his hands shoved in his pockets, gazing out the door.
“What?” I asked on impulse though I had heard perfectly what he had asked. He looked down, almost seeming self-conscious.
“Are you okay?” I drummed my finger tips on the table and shifted my weight. Was I okay?
'No.' Of course I was. I had to be. I forced a half smile, all I could muster, and gave a short forced laugh. I was sure he could see through it all.
“Yeah, I'm fine, I'm livin'.” I frowned instantly at my own words then nodded. I was still living. I would be fine. I didn't need anything else. He frowned as well, in the process of nodding. We both jumped and suddenly found something to do when the screen door slammed and mom, dad and Claudine walked in.
“Damn girl, you go to London for a few months and already they got you convinced you need to lose weight? A damn shame, you didn't have a pound on you that could be spared before, now you just look sick.” I wrapped my arms around myself and stared wide eyed at her. There was an awkward silence in the room before Ferguson walked in and asked if anyone knew where Myali was spending the night. Everyone seemed to break off then, and I excused myself to my room.

I stood beside mom, with my hands on my hips. My tank top was sticking to my skin with sweat and I my breathing was a bit heavier than normal.
“What's a matter?” Mom asked over her shoulder, walking toward Ferguson's home. She had a handful of papers.
“Nothing. Just wanted to know if you needed any help...” Mom stopped, turned toward me with a raised eyebrow and quirked lips. I met her gaze evenly, daring her to ask the questions she wanted to ask.
Instead she shrugged.
“I need someone to type up these letters, if you're feeling-” The sound of harsh breathing came up to us slowly. We both turned to see Chris jogging toward us.
“Good god Chris, what happened to you?” He shirt was drenched in sweat and he was bright red in the face. When he reached us he leaned down on his knees to gain his breath. Once his color started to turn back to normal and his breaths slowed, he glared up at me accusingly.
When did you get so fast and get so much endurance?” I couldn't help the smile, and mimicking mom, I shrugged.
“Chris! What happened?” He dropped to his bottom, falling out on to his back to rest. Mom knelt down next to him and placed two fingers against his neck.
“Jan honey, go get a cool rag and some water, would you?” I nodded and took off toward home. I stopped when I entered into the living room, bowing my head and closing my eyes in respects to Way. Mom calling my name brought me back to reality and I hurried to get the rag and water.

“Chris, you shouldn't push yourself so much in this heat. Next time, it could really be bad.” Mom, for the hundredth time, chastised Chris for overexerting himself.
We were all around the dinner table, eating curry and rice. I aimlessly picked at my food, feeling over crowed in the room. There were a lot of people at the table, at least six, which was five more than I was used to.
“I wouldn't have if I wasn't trying to follow Jan through the woods. She took off like a bat outta hell for no reason. What were you doing?” Chris's accent reminded me slightly of Way's, but Way's clipped words off more. And Chris knew more of the constellations than I did, but I bet Chris would be able to survive just like Way had. Fear gripped me. What if this happened to Chris? Would he die because of a stupid girl's mistake?
“Jan-” I jumped up from my seat. I couldn't let that happen! But what could I do?
A hand touched my arm and I determined it was mom's.
“Jan, honey, are you okay?” Reality came crashing down. I looked down. Everyone was staring at me. I sat back down and picked my fork up.
“I'm sorry.” I murmured, and then looked up again. “I was running.” Mentally, I cringed at how that had come out. It sounded like a finality, like I was running away.
'I almost lost it there, I can't lose myself like that.' I placed a forkful of food in my mouth and chewed but tasted nothing. I was working on auto drive.
'Would it have been so bad? Everything that is lost can be found.'
“No it can't.” My eyes widened when I realized I whispered that out loud. I quickly took a glance at every one and saw no one had heard, or were pretending they hadn't heard. Everyone except Chris who was questioning me with a raised eyebrow. I decided to act like I was talking to myself for a reason.
“I was trying to think of the name of a song, I only remember some of the lyrics, but I don't know the name.” He nodded slowly, deliberately chewing his food.
“What are the lyrics? Maybe I know it.” I frowned. I didn't want to share this memory of Waylen with anyone else.
Shaking my head, I looked back down at my plate, pushing the food around with my fork.
“No, never mind, it doesn't matter.” But it did. It mattered so much.

“Jance?” I rolled over as my door was opened and I nearly forgot to be afraid. The last few days had been hell in a hand-basket. I had been fighting to keep who I was, to not slip up and let loose a secret none of them were prepared to deal with. I yanked the covers up over me quickly as mom peeked her head in.
“Honey, we're going to the market today,” She stopped and looked my room over. I had found it easier if I just kept it cleaned at all times. She recovered quick enough though. “Do you want to come with us?” I blinked slowly. My brain didn't quite process what she was saying.
The market...the market...oh! The market! I was sure my eyes lit up when I realized what she was talking about, yet I still frowned. I didn't want to be trapped in the truck for five or more hours with everyone, especially Chris. No use in making my life thatdifficult.
I sat up, keeping my blankets wrapped around me. I wasn't gaining weight fast enough, I still looked skinny as a stick.
“Um, if it's okay with you, I'll stay behind. Besides, didn't you say that the office need organizing?” She pursed her lips and then nodded.
“Okay. You sure you're feeling okay?” I gave my best smile, a poor rendition of ones she was probably use to, and nodded, waving my hand.
“Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, don't worry about me.” Her head tilted and she gazed at me softly.
“Okay, well, there are left overs in the fridge, don't let Chris push you around, he was told to clean the office. I'm sure with the two of you doing it, it'll get down twice as fast. And tell him to lay off the cheese puffs, he's got high blood pressure already.” I grinned and nodded when in reality I wanted to throw myself down and groan. Why was he staying!? He was the one I was most worried about, he seemed to be the only one who dared to ask me questions.
She stepped in and grasped my face, holding me still to stare into my eyes before kissing me gently on the cheek.
“Okay, we'll be back late tonight. Don't wait up for us.” She left all the while glancing back at me, as if she was waiting for me to disappear. She couldn't, wouldn't, understand how much I wished I would.

By mid morning, I had changed into shorts and a tank-top, free of having to wear baggy hot clothes in fear of having concerns rise about my weight, or lack thereof.
I grabbed a pair of socks and toed on an older pair of converse, they were light yellow and completely clashed with the red shorts and white shirt I was wearing.
“What am I saying? I'm just glad I have clothes to wear!” I huffed and tugged the shoes on. I tapped my toes against the floor as I moved into the kitchen. I dawdled about, fixing myself a bowl of cereal. We still didn't have any milk, but hopefully we would have it tomorrow. I was looking forward to it. All I had been drinking as water, that was all we had in the house. I was looking forward to another flavor. I sat at the table and just stared off into space. My mind was still having a field day trying to take in all that I needed to know and relearn. I wasn't doing great, like when dad had asked me to start the rice, I panicked. I couldn't for the life of me remember what to do. Still, at least I was coping. At least I wasn't dead.

I lazed around, not really doing anything. I watched Chris for a while, through the window. Apparently, at least from what I could see, he was having trouble with one of the tigresses. Every time he would get close to her, she would rear back and box at him, then sprint off to the other side of the cage. It would have been funny if I hadn't known the damage those claws and teeth could do. Turned my gaze elsewhere, not prepared to see him die just yet.

It was late afternoon, the sun a flaming ball of wrath high in the sky. The light was shafted through the tall trees and I was momentarily blinded as I ran through one. I lounged on fallen trees and found myself wondering at the sticking humidity that blossomed under the canopy. Even out of the direct sunlight, the heat was stifling. I stalked my prey as he made his way through the woods. His truck had been left at the front of the trail as it could go no further. I had been out for a run when I happened upon him. He tramped through the undergrowth and I scented to air. It was too wet to get much of anything. Sweat dripping down my throat. I was mildly shocked when he stripped off his clothes and jumped feet first into a lake. Scenes flashed before my eyes, a pocked marked back, oozing red welts from a burn, painfully defined shoulders. The back I was looking at now though, was not the back of a dying man, of a dead man. Still standing on the edge of the clearing, I yanked off my tank-top and shorts, leaving them next to my shoes on a log. I moved slowly forward, working to not make a sound. Something must have alerted him to my presence though, perhaps instinct, the body's need to protect itself. He turned swiftly, his head tilting to the side once he realized it was me. My toes touched the edge of the water, still some distance from him. I moved forward as a shudder danced its way up my back. I continued onward, my being totally possessed by a sudden fear. I had no name for this fear, but it was deep rooted in my chest and my body acted without my command.
“What are you- You're in the water...” His words washed over me. An internal struggle for control started. I was not in control! Flashbacks of learning to trust Waylen blurred into my vision. I would not drown, Waylen would save me, he promised. I lost my footing on the rocks below and my head dropped under the surface. I gasped as I fell and took in a mouthful of water, furthering my panic. I scrambled to right myself, fear flooding my veins, replacing my blood. I shot a hand out towards the surface, praying that there was something within my reach, something, anything, to save me. I watched a hand descend into the water, grabbing hold of my arm and yanking. Way! Please, save me! My head broke the surface and I sucked in lungfuls of breath, grasping, clinging to the body above me.
Chris was hunched over me, grasping both of my upper arms tightly. He had a fierce wild look on his face, in his eyes.
“Put your feet down!” I could barely hear him over my gasping, but I tried to comply. My feet, limbs, felt numb, unresponsive.
“Way?” I cried weakly, staring up at him blearily, water streaming down my face.
“What is wrong with you? You can't swim!” My feet found ground and I frowned, looking around, not sure where I was.
“No. No. Swim, no. Yes, yes, swim. I can.” I fought myself, I was two different people in one body, both begging to be heard. I looked frightened and confused to Chris. “I can, I can.” He shook his head no, the water flinging out of the strands of his hair. I frowned harder, my brow crinkling in. I shook my head with him. “No?” I looked to the water, not knowing who I was anymore. I pushed away from him, stumbling on the uneven stones. I held my head, wanting to puke and cry and scream and die and disappear, but didn't know which to do first.
“No, no. I can't swim, but I can, I know. He promised.” Tears, hot and quick, moved down my cheeks. I stumbled to my knees and screamed when my face came too close to the water. I forced myself to crawl out of the water, my knees scraping and my hands pinched. I huddled in the crevice of a fallen tree, not caring about the bugs crawling up my back and legs. Chris stood in the water, staring, watching me. I buried my head in my bleeding knees and fought not to sob.

I spent some time staring at the walls of the living room, dozing on the couch. I must have really fallen asleep, for I was abruptly woken by someone picking me up. I flailed and twisted, and was nearly greeting the floor with my face when firm hands gripped me tightly around my chest and waist, hauling me up again.
“Calm down. If you're gonna' fall a sleep, at least do it in your own bed.” I peered up at Chris's sweat and dust covered red face. He frowned.
“And when did you get so light?” He dumped me on my bed, and I landed with an 'oomph'. I felt his fingers trail against my neck.
“Whats this mean?” I pulled away, moving to yank off my shoes.
“It doesn't matter.” He laughed.
“Wait, does it really say that, or are you saying it doesn't matter?” I glared at him and he flopped out on my bed. I winced as I removed the band in my hair. Said hair fell around my shoulders, still an uneven mess. I ran a hand through it feeling line of wet from where the band had kept the water. I was forced by all means to fall back beside him with my hair piling up around my head when he reached over and tugged on the hem of my shorts.
“What was that for?” He grunted and threw his arms over his head. He smelled, horribly. I turned on my side to ride myself of his stench.
“You try and cut your hair or somethin'?” This time I grunted and buried my fingers in my deer skin. He chuckled.
“Later on, I'll cut it for you, it looks horrendous.” Closing my eyes, I tried not to think of how it had ended up this way. I tried not to remember any of those men, or what they did to me. Even now, it made me sick laying in the same bed as Wa...Chris. Way was dead. It was even harder accepting that.
“Where'd you get this?” I gazed at him from the corner of my eye and instantly bristled as I saw him reach out to touch Way's jacket. I sprang to my feet and ripped the jacket away, clutching it to my chest.
“Don't touch that!” The yell had come out louder than I thought possible. He leaned away, dropping his hand and gave me a look.
I slid to the ground, still holding his jacket as tightly as I could.
“When are you going to stop lying?” He murmured. I shook my head and stared out blankly, not really looking at anything.
“You don't understand, it isn't that easy. Nothing is ever that easy. Besides, I like being liked. I don't want to be hated. And anyway, I was told to forget it, and I'm trying.” Now I looked up at him, trying to make him understand. “I'm pretty sure talking about it will reverse the affect.” He sat up, looking away.
“Whatever it is, you're not going to be hated. We're your family, we're not going to disown you or anything. Have some faith in us.” I wrapped myself around his jacket and whispered
“It's not you I don't have faith in, I've lost all my faith in me. I made a mistake, and I'll never recover form it. It isn't possible to recover from it.” He stood and went to the door.
“You can't hang on to I forever, it'll kill you inside. Whatever it is, you can't be fully to blame. Forgetting won't solve everything, like your hair, or that tattoo, or the scars all over your back. The physical reminders will be there everyday, are you going to forget them too?” I shrugged and glowered at the floor.
“I can try.”

I tucked myself into the secure darkness of my closest with all of my blankets piled up around me. It was quite comfortable except for the fact that it was unbelievably cramped, but sacrifices had to be made. I dozed lightly, still sleeping on the edge of the realm. My mind rested while my body remained alert for attack. It was a cycle I could not break like the constant restlessness despite my troubled sleep. The same nightmare occurred nearly every other night. The other nights were blanketed by the faces of Way or the two dead men in that hut.
Crunch
Breath.
Crunch
Breath.
Crackle
Lower
Grunt
Pant
Startle
Pounce!
Squeal!
Choke!
Grunt
Choke...
Hiss
Choke.
Death.
Meat.
I fought to keep from the animal that forced me into this frenzied hunt. I hated every second of it.
Seconds more, that was it.
Delicious meat.
Seconds.
Food.
Now!
I fought so terribly hard, but my arms felt restrained. Panic swept through me, forcing me into a hysterical fits. I was in darkness and I slammed my fists and feet against anything I could. I cried out, screaming in fear. My lungs heaved for air and I tried to free myself.
I was suddenly thrust into light. My eyes shot opened as Chris pulled me from my nest of blankets, catching me just in time for me to lean over and vomit onto the floor. Only a bit of clear spittle came up, but violent heaves threatened to overwhelm me. Chris had a hand wrapped around both my wrists and his other arm pulling me from the closest. We tumbled into a pile on the floor. It took my a few minutes to calm down enough to breathe steadily. I was soaked in sweat and was flushed. My face had been wet with tears. Tentatively, Chris pulled me up and held me, afraid I would pass out, which I might have.
“Shhhsss, it was just a dream. Calm down, you're okay.” But I wasn't. There was something very wrong with me. I wasn't normal any more. I pressed my face into his shirt and cried. I couldn't take this much more.
“What is going on?” He whispered fiercely.

I woke to blink blearily in the sunlight, groaning as I was pulled from a blessedly dream free sleep.
“Jan, go back to bed, it's early.” I looked to the door to see mom and dad, smiling and grinning like loons. My sleep muddled brain was running extra slow and I looked around, having to take a double look when I spotted Chris sprawled out on the other side of the bed. Groaning again, I flopped back down and pulled the blanket over me. The sunlight was baking me. At least the blanket cut the direct burn. I was too tired to deal with my parents thinking we were matched up. A warm bubble settled in my stomach at the thought, of which I held on to as I fell into a dreamless state again.

I felt overly warm, not that I wasn't overly warm every other day, but there were spots on me, like my stomach and hip and my thigh. I didn't want to get up just yet, so I chose to roll over.
“You've lost a lot more weight then we first thought.” I pushed the prying hands away.
“It's not my fault.” I grumbled and turned away from him. It was too early for this. I was hauled from bed and dragged through the hall. I stumbled the entire time, never actually gaining my feet.
“Where are you taking me?” I mumbled, still half asleep. I tripped and nearly went face first into the kitchen table, stopping myself at the edge.
“Do you see this?” Looking up, my stomach dropped. Mom and dad were sitting at said table, staring up at the both of us before their eyes settled on me. I yanked my arms back from Chris and wrapped them around myself, trying to cover up as much as I could.
“Jance, honey, you look sick! Have you been starving yourself?!” Mom's outraged worry nearly forced me to tears. I blinked and took a few steps back, away from them.
“N-n-no. I haven't been,” I looked around, looking for a way out. A strong hand gripped my elbow tightly and I jumped, whirling around to see dad with his mouth opened in shock and his eyes questioning. I tried to yank myself free, but his hold just tightened.
“Jancy, what have you done? Do you realize how unhealthy this is?” He whispered. I couldn't stop the tears from falling, nor could I stop my desperate need to get out, to get away. They were cornering me.
“Please, please, let me go.” I begged, sobbing. Dad looked torn. I knew he was concerned for me, but he couldn't help me. Not now. This was something I had gotten myself into. If I ever wanted to get out, I would have to do it on my own. He lowered his arm.
“Honey, we're concerned. If I had known this was this bad, I would have taken you to the doctors, or stuffed bacon down your throat...” He trailed off looking terrified. I chuckled and swiped my hand across my eyes.
“I think I'll take the bacon, I mean it when I say I wasn't starving myself.” I met his gaze, trying to make him see that I was telling the truth. He nodded slowly. It was evident that he didn't believe me completely, but he wanted to. He wanted to believe I was still the little girl he saw me as.
I jumped and whimpered when I was turned about and grabbed hard by both arms.
“What aren't you telling us?!” Adrenaline and panic surged through my blood and I screamed, fighting Chris off.
“Let me go! Don't touch me!” I scratched and kicked, flailing until I finally slammed against the floor. My head smacked hard and I saw stars, but I kept moving. I crawled backwards until my back hit a wall where I curled up and cried. My heart thundered mercilessly as I tried to make myself rational. All I could see were those men and their ugly faces as they dragged me off screaming. I shuddered violently.
“Jance, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt yo-” I leaned over, bracing myself on the floor with both hands and emptied my stomach. My vision was clouded over by visions of that night and the severe pain I had been in for days. Unconsciously, I clenched my knees together and drew them to my body despite my retching.
A cool cloth touched my lips as I caught my breath. Startled, I watched mom kneel next to me with a bowl.
“Jannie, whats happened to you?” I didn't answer, I couldn't put it into words.
She hummed and brushed my hair back and I realized, I couldn't do this. They might think I was insane.
“So much.” I murmured, sitting up and wiping at my mouth. Mom gazed at me and I felt the weight of her sadness. Tentatively, she touched the inside of my knee, and I launched myself off the floor, skittering back to slam into a cabinet. The contents spilled onto the floor, and I worked to not slip on any of it, keeping a careful distance from the three of them. My sight flashed to each other their faces, multiple times, trying to keep them all within my range of sight. Mom stood slowly, Dad had a hand on Chris's arm and looked from mom to me. Chris was confused, staring at me as if he was putting a puzzle together. His eyes widened just slightly as the pieces fell into place, only a small portion of the puzzle I'm sure. I frowned, choked up, and burned a dark red in shame. Mortification replaced my adrenaline.
“You two go away, I want to talk to Jancy alone.” Mom demanded, driving both men out the front door. They didn't make it easy. I leaned down and picked up a box from the floor, holding it in my hands just to have something for my fingers to do. The screen door closed with a 'click' along with the heavier oak door. Both were locked. I felt my heart sped up. She locked me in!
'We have your window. Relax, she isn't going to hurt us.' I nodded and stiffened my lower lip. Mom turned on me, kneeling once more.
“Jancy, its okay, you can tell me, did something happen in London?” I shook my head. Nothing had happened in London, at least not to me. That much was true.
“Are you sure?” I nodded again. A mantra went through my head, over and over, 'she can't know, she can't know, they can't know, they can't know...'. I placed the box I was holding and sidled past her, pressing myself into the wall.
“If its all the same, I think I'll go to bed now.” It didn't even matter that it was the middle of the afternoon. She frowned deeply with a hand reaching out to me, and nodded. I wasn't about to remark on her forgetfulness.

They must have been dumb, or were they just so confident that I had the ability to sleep through the night?
“There is something terribly wrong with her. She has changed so much! Did you see the scars on her arm!? And the tattoo on the back of her neck! And, and, did you see today?” Mom was whispering at Dad and who ever else was out there.
“ She was up with the sun and down with it. She has never been like that!” There was some noise of agreements and a thump on the table.
“She always looks like she is confused or on defense. She even looks bewildered almost. I asked her to start the stove and all the blood drained from her face! After I had to show her, she willingly asked me if there was anything I needed her to do!” I pressed my palms to the cool floor.
“I know, I know. I had to tell her how to use the rice cooker-” Mom interrupted dad. I smiled. It was just like her to do that.
“And do you see the clothes she's wearing! She's acting as if its the middle of winter in Russian! She's going to get heat stroke!” Mom, dad and the other members of their team argued and commented back and forth on my change in appearance, how my face looked thinner, and my change in behavior.
'Had she not even considered the idea that maybe I was wearing baggy clothes because of the remarks I would get on my weight.' I'm sure my parents meant well, but they really were clueless half the time.
“I'm going to call my sister and find out just what exactly happened.” My heart stopped. It literally stopped beating for a full beat. Mom was going to call Aunt Julie? Mom avoided using the phone at all costs!
“Hello? Julie? Hi! It's Kristine! I know, it's been a while. Actually I'm calling because of Jan. Oh well actually I wanted to talk to you about that. Do you know if anything happened while she was there-” There was a pause in the conversation when you could have heard a needle drop.
I barely heard mom's voice quiet down to a whisper.
“-she wasn't here, Jul, she had to of been somewhere! She left a note saying-” Some acclaims sprung up in the room but quieted down quickly. I could picture mom waving her hand at them angrily. My heart still took its time beating.
“-Of course I don't just let her go running about, no I didn't bother looking into it! She was bound and determined to go-” I hated every minute of sitting on this side of the wall. I wanted so badly to go out there right now and spill everything. I wanted to puke the entire tale up, right on the table, for everyone to see, but I couldn't. I would loose everything I was.
“-Oh. Oh god, you don't think? Did they recover any of the wreckage? Where did you say it landed? Russia? Well now, that's impossible, that's nearly two thousand miles from here... you don't think-” I held my breath. Of course Aunt Julie would have heard about the crash! She actually lived in civilization!
“I'm ruined.” I whispered to the darkness. Jumping up, I pulled on the heaviest clothes I had, tugging on layers. I fished in the closest to grab Way's jacket, the deer skin and a bag I had put together with some non perishable food products. Crackers were my friends.
I took one last glance at the room I had longed for so much when I was surviving.
Yanking the window open, a strong breeze blew in, making my door creak. All conversation stopped in the other room. I jumped out, slinging the bag over my shoulder and took off.
Right now, running was all I had.
Running and surviving.

The wind whipped through my hair, leaving stinging lines across my face. It was in my desperation that this run seemed so freeing. I stayed away from the forest, choosing instead to run toward open land. I could find one of my towers, and then I could find... find what? Home? Did I know where that was now? I had found where I had been living, but could I call it home? I wanted to, but I wasn't sure anymore. So I kept running. My legs and lungs burned but I didn't stop, not until morning. I stumbled too much to be sure I didn't have a twisted ankle, and I could barely see anything in the dark, but it was quiet and there was peace. It wasn't till I was sitting against a boulder, trying to start a small fire that I realized I had left my blade in my room, buried in my closet. Sighing, I hunkered down for the night. I was ruined. Everyone would know, it didn't take a genius, I mean, even Aunt Julie could add her ideas. They would find out, and they would abandon me, they would think me disgusting and horrible. I would never out live this.
'Stop lying to us, They won't hate us. They love us, they will do what they can to aid us. Let them help us.' I collected fistfuls of dirt and watched the grains slip through my fingers.
I stayed awake the entire night, not quite sure what to do.
“Way, guide me. I don't know what I should be doing...”