Original Stories Fan Fiction ❯ The Striplings ❯ Troy and Porter ( Chapter 1 )

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Chapter 1: Troy and Porter

 

1

 

Despite the fact that I was a starter on the basketball team, dating a very hot cheerleader, and had dated several other very attractive girls, it was obvious to anyone looking hard enough that I could definitely be gay. But no one ever thinks about those things, especially in high school. I guess I take that back, nobody straight ever thinks about those things. Once you reconcile with yourself that you are truly gay, that's all you think about. You may even find yourself trying to imagine certain very gorgeous heteros are actually gay too. But at the start of my junior year of high school, I wasn't so much in denial as I was ignoring a huge part of myself. Lucky for me, Troy Akers was positive that he was gay.

 

I've always known who Troy was. We are in the same grade after all. But even so, Troy is a track star which means almost everyone in school knows who he is. He has the best times this school has seen in years. Any afternoon he can be found out on the track field sprinting. Of all the time I have spent with the jocks of this school and others throughout the county, I have never met anyone as disciplined and hard working as Troy. This above all other things attracted me to Troy.

 

At first I told myself that someone like Troy could really help me focus on my game. I wasn't going to get any scholarships but being part of a distinguished basketball team couldn't hurt my chances of getting into Princeton. That was something that was very important to my family and me. Paying would be no problem, getting in might be. I still had two more years to keep up a stellar academic record.

 

I was too shy to actually walk up to him and start talking, so I tried to put myself near him somehow. Lola, my girlfriend, had cheerleading practice out near the track field, and that gave me a reason to be out there every day. She would practice her cheers, enjoying my attention while I pretended to study. Technically I was studying, just not the books I held on my lap.

 

After about three weeks of me coming to the fields, I grew a small ounce of courage. Lola's practice finished early and instead of walking her to her car and heading home myself, I stayed. Something very specific happened to alter my regular routine. As I walked down to meet Lola, I took one last quick look at Troy. He had stopped running and was down a ways from me stretching against the bleachers. I couldn't help but notice his long, lean limbs and tan skin. He was looking at me. He continued to watch me as I spoke with Lola. I stole one last glance at Troy and saw that he was still looking. In a way that would be obvious to any observer that I would not be accompanying Lola home, I said good bye.

 

I watched as Lola walked away and looked over again at Troy. He had a smirk on his face. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. At first my focus fell on to his dark brown hair. It was straight, slightly parted to the side and came down to just pass his eyes. He flicked it out the way and I could see his light green eyes. The smirk was still there, but I continued taking him in all the way to his shoes. This all happened in a matter of moments. Not long after Lola left, I chickened out and walked to the parking lot.

 

A few steps before reaching my car, I heard the quick thud of footsteps and clang of scattering rocks. I turned to see Troy closing in on me. I opened the car door and tossed my bag in. It was obvious he was seeking me so I turned my body to face him, keeping the car door between us almost as shield.

 

“Hey.” The words slid out of his mouth.

 

“Hey.” My voice was much deeper, but still smooth.

 

“Can I get a ride home?” He took a step forward as he said this and I could then smell the scent of sweat on him. He noticed my slight shock at his not having a car. This was something I guess I never had noticed. “I usually take the bus, but…” He trailed off.

 

“Sure” I interjected before he could change his mind. A jolt of excitement ran through me. I thought for a second he could see it in my eyes for I know my facial expression did not change, but his did. It was now a look of smugness I saw when I said good bye to Lola. My first reaction was irritation, but then I remembered I'm a dude, not a chick, and I'm not about to get all emotional. By the time I had this little moment, Troy was already in the car.

 

He began giving me directions and once I knew the general location of where I was going, we both fell silent. It wasn't until we were about 5 minutes into the drive when he spoke.

 

“So? Does your girlfriend mind that you're gay?” I looked over to him and his head was tilted a little to the side and his eyes locked on mine. I was feeling two very different distinct emotions at this point. The first was anger that this asshole thought he was king of the gay gods come down to point his gaydar at me. The second was slight arousal. Based on the second emotion I was pretty sure at this point that I may possibly be gay. But hell if I was giving him the satisfaction of a direct hit, not to mention the mountain of implications this left for me. Definitely starting to think like a girl, before long, I would be acting like one too.

 

“Hey, I'm not gay, just,” I had to pause to get the right word. “a fan. I saw you run at the state finals as a sophomore last year and I thought you might consider training with me. You seemed pretty disciplined. That's what I really need.” The cool words flowed easily out of my mouth. He paused a minute.

 

“Ah” was all he said. By now I had turned down his street. I pulled into his driveway and put the car in park. I turned to look at him waiting for an answer.

 

“I'll let you know”. I watched him as he walked into the house. I wasn't upset by his rebuff; because I was too busy focusing on his earlier words. Was he gay? Was he interested in me? Shouldn't I be appalled that he would think I was gay? At the very least, I should definitely not be feeling excitement.

 

I drove to my home on the other side of town picturing Troy's face in my mind and repeating those three words in my head. “Are. You. Gay.”

 

That night I had a lot of things weighing on my mind. Creating a mental check list might just be a way for me to think this through. I definitely did not enjoy spending my time ogling naked men; however, I didn't ogle naked women either. No help there. I had never had sex, but done other things without any complications. That was definitely a check in the “straight” column. Didn't I enjoy it? There was never any problem of whether I could do it or not. Did I necessarily understand how one by one, each of my friends had become whipped puppy dogs? Wasn't I always confused by the way other girl's threats to withhold sexual favors from my friends immediately put them on all fours begging for forgiveness for whatever imaginary thing “she” was sure they did. No girl had ever made me feel that way. And no amount of fooling around with any girl gave a compulsory feeling for more. So this was a not a check in the “gay” column, but had me reconsidering my only “straight” check mark so far.

 

My head was spinning. I wasn't going to get an answer tonight. Maybe I just wasn't ready for an answer. Perhaps I needed an authority on the subject. I sighed and turned to my computer. A couple of clicks and I found myself looking at the city bus schedule. It didn't take long before I located the bus route Troy most likely took to school. However, I wasn't sure what time he would be boarding. I closed my eyes and tried to think if I ever saw Troy in the morning. Yes. There it was. He is always at his locker as I am heading to first period. Usually late. That was good. At least I wouldn't miss him. Now it was definitely time for bed.

 

2

 

Okay, this is a little like stalking. If being gay means that you begin to take on attributes of the opposite sex, I was about to get my first check mark in that column. I'd been waiting 30 minutes around the corner from Troy's house, in between it and the bus stop. There really hadn't been much of a plan to why I was waiting here. I hoped he would guess the obvious and silently get into my car. I should, however, come up with a backup plan in case he did think I was a stalker. Sometime during all this planning I heard a knock on my driver's side window.

 

I rolled down the window. Troy was staring down at me, his head slightly turned to the side, an impish grin on his face. Really hoping he wouldn't make me explain. He continued looking at me and I noticed the fine details of his face. It's hard to believe that in three months of dating, not once had I looked at Lola's face as intensely as I was Troy's.

 

Finally Troy strolled to the other side of the car and got in. I felt comfort in his ability to take control of the situation. He had done that twice now. How long would he continue to hold my hand through this, this thing? This personality trait must be part of the reason why he is such a great athlete.

 

As soon as he sat down, I burned onto the road, trying to appear in some way a masculine male. He was the first to speak, of course.

 

“I did say, I'd think about it, right?” Thank god he was looking out the window. I was feeling really embarrassed now. Nervousness crept into me and I began to wiggle in the seat. “I really wasn't expecting this from you. Sure a little ogling out on the track, but I never dreamed you would make any sort of move, especially since I had to practically hound you for a ”

 

“Are you gay?” I cut him off before he could say anything else. It was his voice. He'd spoken only a few words to me yesterday. I had thought my arousal was based on the idea of me being gay, but it was his voice, or at least the way he spoke. He was so confident and his attention was so focused on me even when he wasn't looking. I suddenly felt like one of those girls Malcolm is always asking out. Malcolm is sort of my friend and seems to have no problem ever getting a date. Girls perk up and become flustered when he looks at them. They giggle and whisper at simply the sound of his voice.

 

“Definitely” This time he looked right at me. My pale face immediately flushed and I averted my eyes to the road ahead of me. Instantly I felt it best to just lay it all out. What the hell? He was.

 

“I made a list last night to determine if I might be gay…Too.” I spat the words out as fast as they would come. But only too quickly he followed up.

 

“You needed to make a list!” His voice had a slight shocked edge to it.

 

“Like being gay is so obvious” I spat back at him.

 

“To anyone who is paying attention and not in complete denial.” Had he been paying attention to me? Or was I just the only other potential “gay” in the school. At this point I should probably drop the word “potential”. Honestly, how many more white flags did I need thrown in my face?

 

We rode in silence. I couldn't keep a rational thought in my head and who knows what he was thinking. Finally, I pulled into a parking spot in the school lot. His hand was on the door handle, forcing me speak before he walked away from me, possibly forever. Already thinking like a drama queen I thought.

 

“How long have you been watching?” Bold yes. Extremely uncharacteristic of me, yes. But I needed to know. I wouldn't be able to breathe the rest of the day, maybe longer, until I was sure. Troy's boldness again did not disappoint me.

 

“A long time” His voice was softer than normal. “But, you never really gave me a reason to hope until I saw you in the bleachers that first day. Everything fit and that was the last piece of confirmation.” He paused, waiting for me to validate him in some way. Even someone as confident as Troy needed validation. The words refused to come out. I wasn't ready.

 

He rose out of the car without giving me another glance. I heard the door close, but couldn't look up. All of my focus was on my heart that was pounding in my chest. My breath was caught in my throat and I couldn't breathe.

 

All day my mind replayed the words he had spoken to me in the car. I mechanically went through the motions of my daily routine. I turned my locker com without thinking, automatically bent down to kiss Lola as she bounced up behind me. I traveled to each class, all the while searching the hallway for him. It wasn't until last period that our paths crossed. I wondered if he had intentionally been avoiding me. Lola had my hand in a death grip as we rounded the corner to physics. He was there, just a few feet away, fumbling with his locker. He cursed under his breath and coincidently turned his head in exactly my direction. His eyes locked on Lola and my hands. Briefly he met my eyes then looked away. The locker opened and he was now occupied with getting his books. I broke my gaze and turned into the classroom.

 

During physics, I analyzed every detail of the phantom encounter. He knew Lola and I were dating. Why was it such a shocker I was holding her hand? Did he think I would run to her first thing and end it, proclaiming `I am gay, hear me roar'? No. He would not expect that from me. His look must have been meant to me as a sign maybe. But what was he saying? By now I was really behind on my notes. Luckily, Lola is not a dumb cheerleader. She's smart and had taken good notes. A slight shift in her position let me know she was about to slide them over to me. I grinned at her the way a good boyfriend should. This was dumb. There was really only one option for me to pursue, I was just a little afraid of where it would lead.

 

So I waited behind the track field, at the site of our first meeting. I knew that if he was taking the bus, he would not walk through the parking lot. It was a gamble, but I was hoping he would at least check on his way to the stop. If he checked, that would mean he too was hoping for more. Over and over again, I went through my speech. My eyes kept flickering to the clock. Practice should be over, he wasn't coming. I couldn't bring myself to turn the key and drive away. Instead I sat there, wallowing in disappointment.

 

The sound of the car door opening snapped my head up off the steering wheel. I hadn't even realized I was looking down. I didn't have to look, I knew it was him.

 

“Shit Porter. You're really going to have to start being a little less cryptic if we're going to have a relationship”. Key word: relationship.

 

 

3

 

“It was the only thing I could think of to get your attention.” That explanation sounded realistic enough.

 

“I can think of about ten other things you could have done that would not have been bordering on stalking.” Color began to drain from my face. It was one thing to consider your own actions as possibly being construed as stalking, but quite another to have it thrown in your face.

 

I had to turn my face away from his. Normally, I had zero problems holding a blank face that concealed my thoughts. But the anger and embarrassment building inside of me was threatening to surface. His reaction was almost immediate.

 

“Don't do that.” His words had a slightly threatening tone to them. I didn't respond at all. It was as if his words had hit an invisible shield between us and they couldn't touch me. My stony face and clenched jaw did not show any hint that he had spoken. I could tell he was choosing his words wisely before he spoke again.

 

“What I said to you was a fact. For me to be with someone, I have to be able to say what I'm thinking. In return, I will always listen to what you have to say to me. Real friends are honest.” I flinched slightly as he said the word friends. Finally I made a sound. A slight huff exhaled through my nose that meant I didn't need any more friends. He didn't miss it.

 

“They're not your real friends Porter. How many of them would accept this.” His hand gestured quickly to me and then back to him. “I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be friends with them. I just want you to know the difference between who you are with them and who you have to be with me”. The words could no longer stay inside me.

 

“Who do I have to be with you?” A half smile crept across his face. At first I was a little annoyed, but I quickly understood he was happy with himself that he had broken through.

 

“I think your eyes get bluer when you're mad. Okay fine, to answer your question, real, yourself, honest. I'm not sure how many other ways to put it.” It was a simple demand, but I wasn't ready to simply concede that I was behaving immaturely. Plus his comment about my eyes pretty much canceled any ill feelings I had felt. So I turned the key to the ignition and started to drive.

 

It didn't take me long to figure out a way to show him I wasn't mad and that I was willing to show him an honest part of myself.

 

He rode silently. After a few minutes he realized that we weren't heading towards his side of town. “Where are we going?”

 

“Somewhere I can be--myself.” I paused and emphasized the last word to drive my point a little more. I didn't live far from school, so I didn't have any more time to explain, although I don't think he planned on asking anymore.

 

“You live here?” The question was rhetorical, his voice was slightly impressed. After all, we did live in one of the nicer neighborhoods. Our house was large and recently built. My father wanted it all in red brick and mother wanted purple shutters. The lawn was not without complete landscaping. I didn't really pay too much attention to what my mother had deemed a necessity worth thousands of dollars to create. I just knew that most people were very impressed. I pulled into the driveway and motioned for him to get out.

 

No one was home, as I anticipated. Randy and Rochelle, my twin younger sisters, had swimming directly after school and my parents were rarely home before six. I walked through the garage into the house. Troy followed obediently. I didn't pause to show him around, but instead headed upstairs directly to my room. He followed because I hadn't told him not to. Maybe he was assuming I wanted to show him something.

 

As it turns out, I just needed to change my clothes. What I had been planning could not be done in jeans and a polo shirt. Well, maybe some people could, but not me. I went to my dresser and grabbed a pair of nylon shorts and an old t-shirt. I thought it better to grab clothes before just tearing mine off. Had I just stripped down to my boxers, I may have freaked him out. Or, had the opposite effect, which made me pause.

 

He must have at least realized I needed to change for whatever it was we were about to do because he didn't fidget or make a noise as I quickly changed. It was something I did everyday in front of locker room full of guys, but at the moment I had knots in my stomach. I didn't dare turn to look at him. But I did wonder if he watched me. If I looked and he was looking away, I'd be disappointed. If he was looking, who knows what would happen. Since I was facing the mirror, I quickly glanced up and down. Yes. His eyes were wide and completely focused on me. I brushed these thoughts off and finished dressing.

 

Before heading out of my room, I thought I should at least give him some notification that I hadn't completely lost my mind.

 

“We just have to head out to my back yard. I want to show you something.” He nodded, but did not speak. In moments we were heading through the glass door that separated the living room from the back deck. I walked east towards a line of tall pine trees. It was obvious the trees were planted because the arrangement of them was so specific. I paused just before we passed through them. I turned to my left where Troy stood waiting for me.

 

“This is where I go to be myself.” I said taking a step through the trees. When I was sure he was next to me again, I continued. “When we moved in a few years ago, my dad thought it would be neat to lay concrete and create our own outdoor court. Of course it's not nearly the size of a real one, but it's plenty for me. The trees were my idea. I wanted privacy. I like privacy.” I stole a glance at Troy, hoping he could understand the message, but he was no longer focusing on me.

 

“You have benches and a cart stocked with balls!” There was no hiding the awe in his voice. “It's so secluded.”

 

“Do you like it?” Not that I needed an answer, I just didn't want silence. His face pulled back and his lips twisted back into a halfway smile.

 

“It's literally the coolest thing I have ever seen, and I'm not that good at basketball.”

“Good, cause I want to play. I need to know there is at least one thing I can do better than you.” I hurried over to grab a ball and we played. While we were on the court, we were just two guys playing a game. There was nothing sexual about what we did. We just played and focused on doing well because that's what competitive people do.

 

I won, but Troy gave a good effort. He was definitely in excellent shape. I didn't expect less, he was a track star after all. His speed and agility made it hard for me to get in a lot of shots. But his shooting skills were lacking such that he rarely made any baskets

 

Time ceased as we were on the court and it was only when the night lights came on that we both sort of realized how late it was. As we made our way up the hill, I noticed that my parents were home. We were going to have to go in.

 

“We should stop in before I take you home” He nodded and we went back through the glass door. My sisters were positioned on opposite couches in front of the TV. Neither looked up when the sound of door opening reached them. My parents were seated at the kitchen table with an eye line towards the door. So they noticed my guest immediately. Dad spoke first.

 

“Troy Akers, isn't it?” Leave to my dad to know the track all-star. By now my sisters had perked up in their seats and were staring across the room. Of course they knew who Troy was.

 

“Yes sir” Troy played the gentleman and stepped forward to shake my father's hand. I half expected him to lean down and take my mother's hand to his lips for a quick kiss, but he just nodded warmly to her. He wanted them to like him.

 

“Dad, I'm going to take Troy home and then I'll be back.”

 

“Sure. Sure Samuel. Take your time.” Troy gave a small jolt of shock at hearing my first name. My friends had been calling me Porter for so long that I guess it was weird to hear me called something else. Before anyone else could say or look anything, I quickly walked out with Troy on my heels.

 

It took some time to get to Troy's. He lived on the opposite side of town. Creston Hills is not a small town, but it is definitely dot a metropolis. Our population is around 30,000. When I pulled up to Troy's house, I really didn't know what to do. Occasionally when I dropped Lola off, we would park a block away and mess around. But obviously this was completely different and undefined for the moment. There were no lights on at the house. I decided to take a risk and cut the engine and dropped my hand and the keys on the center consul.

 

Troy was looking out the window, seemingly quite nervous all of the sudden. Not sure what to do I turned to look out my window. In a few moments, I felt Troy's hand graze up against mine. I felt tingling shoot up my arm and spread down my body. It was almost instantaneous. I definitely was not used to having a move made on me, but I did what any of the girls I had held hands with for the first time did. I turned my hand up slightly and let his close quickly over mine. We sat there for a moment. His thumb absently stroked the top of mine.

 

“I didn't think it would feel natural,” he spoke still looking at his window.

 

“Its--exciting,” was all I could say, because that was all I was thinking. I hoped he understood what I was trying to say.

 

“Yes,” his voice barely above a whisper. “Do you have practice tomorrow morning?” He seemed to have come out of his trance because his voice returned to normal.

 

“No. Not this weekend.”

 

“Then it's my turn. Meet me here tomorrow morning at 6:30. Something like you have on should be okay to wear.” His eyes finally turned to me. They looked different, almost wild. “You have to be sure this is what you want.”

 

“I want this.” And I completely meant it. I wanted it more than any other relationship I had ever had combined. It was more exciting holding his hand than kissing any girl I had ever dated.

 

“Then training starts tomorrow.”

 

4

 

I was glad Troy had chosen an early time for us to have our—date? Training sessions? Last night's “discussion” with my father had left with me with very little patience. If either of my parents were awake, they would have questioned me endlessly and I may have snapped.

 

When I came home after parting from Troy, my dad began grilling me. My father is the bank manager at one of the two most popular banking chains in the city. He has a lot of insight when it comes to financial affairs. Apparently, Troy's mother was arrested last year for embezzling from her mother, Troy's grandmother. Anyone could have read about this in the newspaper, but since Mrs. Sanders, Troy's grandma, banked at my father's bank, he had a hand in turning Troy's mother in to the authorities. According to my father, Troy's mother was the worst kind of trash, stealing from a woman she was supposed to be taking care of.

 

Inevitably, I asked what this had to do with me being friends with Troy. Father said Tray's success was remarkable, especially since half of his genetic code is completely worthless, but all the same, I was not to be around his home environment. Of course Tray was welcome at our house anytime. This did make me upset, but it was not entirely unreasonable. I could still see Troy. Only a complete bastard would hold a parent's actions against their children.

 

The last thing I really needed was my dad to back me into a corner about where I was going this morning. I was pretty sure I could drive to and from Troy's house, as long as I didn't go in, but I had no idea what we were doing today.

 

So I silently stole out of the house while everyone was shut behind closed doors, warm in their beds. When they did eventually wake, they would see my note saying I would be at open gym.

 

The ride across town seemed slower this time. I thought about every detail of what had happened between Troy and I the night before. When I remembered his thumb brushing over mine, I got chills every time. How could it be that being with Troy ignited so many things inside me that I never knew were there? Why didn't I feel these things with Lola, or any other girl I had dated?

 

These thoughts played in my head over and over until I finally reached Troy's house. The other two times I was here, I had not bothered to look around at the neighborhood. Creston Hills houses all kinds of different incomes. As I walked up to the front door, I noticed Troy's neighborhood was by no means the poorest part of town, but it was a bit run down. I tried not to be judgmental about the unsupervised children I saw on the side of the street, the random pets circling the block, or the police vehicle rounding the corner. None of this really mattered to me. It would not change my feelings for him, but it did make me wonder what his family was like. If my father was being truthful about his mother, I could be walking into anything.

 

My knock was answered by a familiar face. Essie Akers was a senior and dating my friend Mitch Bailey. They had been together for nearly two years. I briefly wondered what she was doing here, but I quickly made the connection. Troy and Essie rarely talked at school and I had assumed she was a cousin or someone of no relation but of the same name. Now that I looked at her, I could see the same shade of dark brown hair. That was the end of the similarities. Essie was rather plain with brown eyes and pale skin.

 

The look on her face was interesting. She stared at me, taking in so much more than my actual features. We'd been at social events before and may have even talked, so I wasn't sure why she was giving me such a look over. Before I could say anything, she spoke.

 

“Troy,” she called without taking her eyes of me. Then, something occurred to me.

 

“Why are you up so early,” I asked her. She snickered.

 

“I never went to bed, babe.” In that moment, it was as if I was four years younger than her, not one. Essie backed into the house, pulling the door with her. Before I had a chance to step in, let alone glance around, Troy emerged.

 

“I'll be gone for awhile. Tell Dad I went for a run. You shouldn't have stayed out all night when you have to be at work in a couple hours.” Troy and Essie seemed so much closer than I was with the twins. He genuinely was worried about his sister's lack of sleep.

 

“Don't worry about me. Have a good run,” she replied and then said to me, “Try to keep up, but don't hurt yourself.”

 

Troy walked away from the house first and I followed behind. He stopped at the end of the walkway, just before we hit the street.

 

“We'll take the main road, up Hoffer towards the school. We can get a drink there and take a break before we head back.” I believe my mouth hung slightly open.

 

“That's like six miles.” He smiled his half smile.

 

“You wanted me to train you. Hey, I usually run ten.” There was really no way I could complain no matter how hard he was going to push me. I wanted a trainer and I wanted to see him.

 

Three miles later, after we had both spent a solid minute at the fountains next to the tennis courts, I spoke.

 

“Not to be a weakling, but can we break before we go back?” My muscles were barely hanging on to my bones, my breathing was definitely not normal, and my feet hurt from not having on running shoes. I know I do a lot of running during a game, but it is not the same thing.

 

“Let's cut through the woods and we'll hit Finkly. By then, you should be able to run the rest of the way.” His voice was just a little superior. But I couldn't blame him for wanting to retaliate a little for his loss yesterday. We started towards the woods behind the school. There is actually a path you can follow that has been worn from sciences classes coming down to the pond and doing experiments. Not to mention the student body recreational activities that go on.

 

We walked deep into the woods, side by side. Once we were sufficiently away from any breaks in the trees, he reached to me and took my hand. He felt my reluctance.

 

“No one is going to be here this early and definitely not this far into the woods. Most just go far enough not to be seen.” He was right and I relaxed. I thought it was best to tell him about what my dad and I spoke about the night before. Troy listened as I went through it all, tensing up when I got to the part about his mother's indiscretions. I was able to convey my father's thoughts without exactly using his words.

 

“So, why are you telling me this,” his eyes looking down, but his grip on my hand did not loosen.

 

“For two reasons. First, I wanted you to know that I know about that stuff with your mom and it doesn't change anything for me. And two, to let you know we'll have to spend most of our time at my house or somewhere public.” He nodded.

 

We continued walking without speaking. I was thinking about how this felt so natural. It never looked natural in the movies or on TV. Something about two dudes being intimate was just incomprehensible to me before Troy. But now, I felt completely at ease. He was doing the thumb thing again. I wonder if he knows he's doing it. Better not say anything, or he may stop. I liked it. It was soothing. After about five minutes, he spoke.

 

“We've had to control everything for my mom. She does have a drug problem. That's why she stole the money. The crazy thing is, I only found out a couple of years ago. Apparently, my mother has been on and off since I was very young. My father almost left her with Essie and me, but I guess he just loved her too much to give up. As a result, we all bear the burden. Two years ago, my mother lost her job and had to go into rehab to avoid doing jail time. We all went to family group nights and listened to all the other addicts talk about their feelings. It was sickening. There was this one woman, who had her five kids there with her husband. Her youngest child, maybe seven, told about how his mommy disappeared all the time and they were so scared. He missed his mom so much. I felt so horrible for those kids. They were so young and their mom was feeding her addiction and doing god knows what else for days at a time. I thought, `how could a mother do that do her kids?'” his voice broke off and I saw tears in his eyes. “Six months ago my mom violated parole and went to jail anyway.”

 

By now we had stopped walking. He was having a hard time controlling his emotions and I wondered why someone else's problems would affect him so much. Then I realized he was thinking of his own family too. I wasted no time pulling on the hand that was connected to mine and bringing him in to me. His other arm went around my shoulder and his face lay next to my neck. I was a couple inches taller than him so he fit there well. He shuddered a little in my arms, but was no longer crying.

 

Slowly, we both pulled back just slightly, and I knew we were going to have our first kiss. Panic shot through my entire body as I tried to find a way to stall this, but he didn't move. He was waiting for me. The longer he stood, the more my panic turned into anticipation. Now I was ready to jump out of my skin with the energy and need that was racing through my bones. I moved into him and moved my lips to his.

 

Everything went very slowly. Both of us were afraid that the other one would stop at any moment and run screaming out of the woods. Once we each had a feel that the other wasn't going anywhere, we pressed harder. Our kissing took us a few steps back to where I was pinned against a tree. My heart was pounding, racing, and my entire body was cringing with excitement. His hand had moved behind my head and both of my arms wrapped around him. And then it all stopped. Troy's mouth was just inches from mine, our eyes locked. We simultaneously dropped our arms and separated a little.

 

“So?” He spoke first.

 

“I'm really glad you don't have facial hair. That may have been a deal breaker.” He roared and so did I. “Otherwise, that was…fantastic.” The way he looked at me when I said that, I thought we might have another round of it, but instead he spoke.

 

“Yes, it was.” Our hands came back together and we continued to walk, knowing in a couple minutes we would have to physically part from each other and resume the position of “buds” instead of “couple”. I did not bring up his mother again. There was more he had to say, so much more I could tell, but he had given me all that he could for one day. It had meant a lot that he told me what he did. We were so much more to each other as we exited the woods, than we were when we entered just minutes before. I wondered where we would be in a week if this kept up. Or even a month. Because our whole lives, we had never found anyone who we could have these feelings with. Could something so wonderful possibly last? Especially knowing that at any minute, with one careless touch or look, it could come crashing down.

 

 

5

 

In only a few days of school, we had established a new routine. Though Troy's house was on the other side of town and caused me to have to get up even earlier, I insisted on giving him rides. Why should he ride the bus when I was more than willing to give him a ride? Since Lola had her own car and would never need a ride from me, Troy did not have much of an argument. I knew that during those few minutes we rode in the car together, we could enjoy the real relationship that we had. We wouldn't be making out in the car, of course, or doing anything else that would attract attention. But at least we could say what we wanted to each other.

 

Once we got into the school, we would separate for the whole day. We thought others may think it odd if we spent too much time together. Our story was that Troy was training with me until basketball officially started, which was true. By then, everyone would assume we had developed a friendship and it wouldn't be weird that we were spending time together. Maybe we were being a bit paranoid, but we both agreed that we must always be careful. And, always have a story for what we were doing. People assumed this training took place before and after school because I always would be giving him rides.

 

As it turns out, Troy's lunch was at the same time as mine. We discussed trying to find a way so we could spend lunch together. In the end, we thought it best to let things run their natural course. Hopefully he could be infused into my “click” of friends after a couple weeks. To our surprise, it did not take nearly as long, but came with a price.

 

On Thursday of the first week, Troy passed by my lunch table on his way to his table. We briefly nodded and then he continued on. When I looked up from my plate, Lola was looking at me like there was something she was having difficulty saying. Immediately I panicked, thinking she saw right through our façade. Realizing that that was stupid, I calmed and said,

 

“What?” She sat forward and looked down the long lunch table.

 

“Okay. I sort of mentioned to Kelsey that you were friends with Troy. Just in conversation, but she told me that was great because she had had a crush on Troy since like 7th grade,” she finished quickly.

 

“So?” I wasn't really sure why she wanted me to know this.

 

“So, she was hoping I would talk to you and you would talk to Troy and maybe we could all go out.” Blood rushed into my face.

 

“No.” There was no way I would set up a “date” for Troy and some dimwit friend of Lola's.

 

“Why? Does he have a girlfriend?” she said innocently. How could she have any idea what she was asking? More importantly, how was I going to explain my response? She was waiting for my answer. My mind was working madly, finally I spoke.

 

“Because, I'm not a matchmaker. That stuff is for girls. I'm not going to ask another dude if he likes my girlfriend's friend. We aren't in junior high. If Kelsey likes him, she can ask him out herself.” I stoop up immediately. Troy must have been watching my face as I spoke these words to Lola. He was staring at me from across the cafeteria, his face concerned. Very quickly I lifted my head to the right and pulled it back slightly in a quick motion to indicate to Troy to follow. Then I left the cafeteria without looking at Lola again.

 

By the time Troy caught up to me I was shaking. This was such an unreal response. Even if I had agreed, it would not have mattered. Troy would never be interested in her. Would he? After all, I did enjoy being with Lola. It was nothing compared to being with Troy, but it wasn't horrible.

 

“What happened?” I could see his arm instinctively or protectively jerk towards my shoulder, but he quickly let it drop down.

 

“Just wait till we get to my car,” was what I could manage to say. We made it to my car and I slammed my door shut.

 

“Was that your break up scene? I was wondering when you were going to get around to it. I didn't want ask, but I just assumed now that we were together you would find a way to let Lola down gently. Actually, I expected it to take a lot longer than that.” He was smiling by the time he finished. I was shocked.

 

“Why would I break up with Lola?” It was easy to hear the annoyance in my voice. From the look on his face, I knew that was clearly the incorrect response. Several emotions went across his face. Finally he settled on a blank stare. I truly had no idea what he was thinking when he spoke again.

 

“So what did she do to upset you?” His voice was even, without any emotion at all.

 

“She. . . She has a friend that wants you to ask her out.” I searched his face to find some response to what I had just said.

 

“That really isn't unreasonable. In fact, your reaction was way over the top. What the hell is she going to think about that?!” Now he was upset. Or maybe he was already upset, just now openly expressing it. At any rate, he seemed to pick up on my unfounded jealousy.

 

“I told her, I was upset because she was asking me to behave as if we were in junior high. You know, `Do you like me? Yes or No. Circle one.' I'm sure she bought it.” Hopefully my answer would put him at ease. I knew he had as much to lose as me if we were exposed.

 

“Well, you better get back inside and make up. We don't want anything suspicious, even in the slightest.” I thought he might choke on the words as he spoke them. I didn't get out of the car right away. Instead, I was watching him. He was looking out the window, face still held in that blank state. If he was angry at my decision to continue my relationship with Lola, he didn't let on. It'd seemed as if he was not going to push the issue. Having him act so cold to me was almost unbearable. I did a quick sweep of the parking lot. I didn't see anyone, so I reached down and slid my fingers into his. He didn't pull back, but I saw his eyes dart around the parking lot. Once he saw no one was around, I felt his body relax.

 

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” I knew I had already told him I had to go to Malcom's party, but he must have forgotten.

 

“Malcom's, remember?” I made sure there was nothing but sincerity in my voice. It seemed lucky enough that Troy wasn't mad at me about Lola.

 

“Yeah, I forgot. I think my sister's going to be there. Can you leave early and meet me at my house? My dad works nights and if Essie is at the party, no one else will be there.” He was still doing random searchers around the parking lot, but did not let go of my hand.

 

“I don't have to be home until 2:00, so how about midnight?” A week into this and I was already violating my father's demands, but he wasn't going to find out anyway.

 

“I'll be waiting.”

 

6

 

Lola bounced down her front steps, gracefully opened the passenger door to my car, leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Before I could ask what that was for, she spoke.

 

“Thank you. I was so mad at you yesterday, but then you go and make it up to me.” She still had a wide smile across her face.

 

“What did I do?” I tried to think of what I could have possibly done to make things this much better. I replayed the events of yesterday starting when Troy left my car. After waiting a few minutes, I went into the school after Troy. It was still lunch so I found Lola, mumbled something about a bad morning and she seemed to buy it. Just then, her phone rang and I pulled out of her driveway. By the time she was off the phone, I had completely forgotten what I was wondering about earlier.

 

Malcom's house was not large and new like mine, but that didn't really matter. He often had parties for thirty or so of us. Mostly basketball players and their dates, but there were a few other people here tonight that I had not seen before. We were late, so mostly everyone had arrived. Lola went off to meet with another of her friends, and I headed over to a group that included Malcom, Mitch, and a couple of guys who had graduated last year, but were back for the weekend.

 

“Por-ter! What's up man?” Mitch Bailey sauntered to me and slapped a hand to my back. He could be counted on to be a little, well not sober at most functions that didn't involve school or playing basketball. Of course, Malcom's parents would never allow alcohol to be served at parties, but that never stopped anyone who was really set on drinking. There are ways to “hide” alcohol in everyday containers. As for myself, I have had alcohol, but never when I was driving later, plus I wanted to be sober when I met with Troy later. Just thinking of that sent a spark down my spine. Troy and myself, alone.

 

Before I could respond to Mitch, Essie walked over and circled her arm around his back.

 

“Your mine now babe.” Everyone's eyebrows rose, but no one spoke until Essie and Mitch were a safe distance away. Essie and Mitch were seniors and had been dating since they were sophomores, so it was not shocking when Essie spoke to him in such a provocative manner. We were all too accustomed to their short appearances at any function.

 

About twenty minutes had passed and I decided I should probably find Lola. I wasn't quite sure what my excuse was going to be for leaving early, but I was toying with the idea of an emergency phone call from the twins. In a small house, it didn't take long. Lola was coming out of the kitchen with a coke in her hand, followed by Kelsey, whose hand was stretched out behind her, connected to Troy. He had a smile on his face as he trailed behind her through the archway. It occurred to me that I had not moved since I first saw Lola and I hoped no one had seen the stun on my face. So many things were falling into place in my mind. Troy's lack of response when I said I didn't plan on ending things with Lola. All the time in the car he had been putting this together. Was this revenge on me for staying with Lola? Was he truly interested in Kelsey? No, that wasn't possible. What the hell was going on?

 

About at this point, he saw me and stopped. Kelsey too stopped and Troy pulled her arm and effectively her into him. He whispered something into her ear and she shot a glance at me. Then, she quickly pecked him on the mouth and released his arm. When she pulled away, her face was beaming. His direction turned towards me.

 

Slowly, Troy maneuvered through the crowd to me. All I could do is stand perfectly still, my face frozen in time, lips pulled tight. I was truly afraid of what I might do or say if I allowed myself to move any muscles in my body. Thirty very long seconds later, Troy was at my side. Right when it seemed like he was going to continue walking past me, he stopped very briefly to whisper.

 

“Are you still coming?”

“Yes.” At first I wasn't sure if he had heard me because I was speaking through grinding teeth. He must have heard me because turned into me slightly and patted my shoulder quickly. Anyone watching would have thought nothing of the gesture. But I had to hold my breath to keep from shouting.

 

Wanting to be alone, I waded over to the couch and sat. So many thoughts raced through my head. Of course I knew what he was doing. Of course I saw the point he was trying to make. Just as I was regaining control over myself, I caught a glimpse of Creston High's newest couple making their way behind closed doors. That was enough, I was done. I stopped only long enough to tell Lola I was extremely ill and leaving. She didn't even have time to offer to come with me.

 

Where would I go? There was really only one place. Troy had said no one would be home, so I drove to his house. I didn't park in front of his house, but on the street parallel to it. Though in a fit of rage, I thought clearly enough to assume Kelsey would be giving him a ride home and she may be able to identify my car. I looked at the clock. It was only ten. With a turn of my wrist, I cut the engine, reclined my chair, and shut out the world.

 

A knock at my widow woke me. My eyes hit the clock before they turned to look at the person standing outside my window. 12:03 A.M. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. As forcefully as I could, I shoved open the door. Despite not being fully awake, I immediately made my way towards his house. I hadn't looked at him yet. Truly afraid of what might happen if I did. Whatever was going to happen could not happen on a public street.

 

As we approached the house, I backed off and let him take the lead, still avoiding his face. He unlocked the door and reached for the light. The house was small, so I knew there weren't too many places we could be going. He led me to the back of the house, to a small room. The room was large enough for his bed, desk, and dresser. There was no closet. Throughout the room were various awards he had won over the years, a few pictures, but nothing else. I sat at the desk, because standing in such a small room was awkward. He continued to stand, but barely coming into the room. Whether he meant to or not, he was standing as far away from me as possible.

 

Minutes passed without either one of us saying anything. It was obvious who should speak first, but what could I say. Troy had done nothing that I wasn't already doing. What could I open up with that would validate my feelings.

 

“It's been a week. I couldn't just break up with her. I need a reason.” I finally looked at his face and I wished I hadn't. He was bordering irate.

 

“Not good enough. Since when does anyone need a reason? This is high school. People break up every day, and half the time neither of them knows why.” By the time he finished he was shouting. I instinctively pulled back at his words. “Then in the car, you acted like breaking up with her hadn't even occurred to you.” Now he was shaking with anger. Everything he did was out of anger and rage. He kept it from me yesterday in the car, or maybe it just built over the next 24 hours. Honesty was all I could give him.

 

“She's not important to me. It didn't occur to me that you would be jealous of her. Clearly if I had any real feelings for her, I wouldn't have come to you.” I took his silence as willingness to hear more. “When you didn't bring up the issue on Saturday, I thought you understood why I would want to continue the relationship.”

 

“Maturely, I was letting you deal with it on your own.” He breathed out slowly before continuing. “If you had just said that the argument in the lunch room was not a break up, I would have continued to give you your space. I realize that you cannot become this person over night. But the way you looked and sounded when you said you had no intention of ending it, was too much. You needed to see, no feel what I was feeling every time I thought of the two of you together.”

 

“Going off with her-- that was too far.” Finally I thought I had found a strong point in my favor.

 

“I did no more than you do with her.” His voice was icy when he said that. Once again, I had the feeling he was ready for anything I could think of saying.

 

“As long as I am with Lola, we are safe.” Let him turn this around.

 

“I won't share you. I shouldn't have to.” He paused as if something had just occurred to him. “You're not in this, not really. You should go.” He unblocked the door and gestured for me to go.

 

“No!” I was immediately terrified. Every moment we had spent together rushed through my head. If I went back to the way things were, with only Lola I would evaporate into nothing. When I stole a glance at him, his face was unchanged.

 

Without thinking I stood, but didn't walk out the door. I turned to him and lunged. Before he knew what was happening my lips were on his. His first instincts were to respond to me, but he wasn't giving up without a fight. He pulled back and pushed me away, but I pushed back harder, using my hands to help plead my case.

 

It didn't take long before he gave up the fight. His arms wrapped around me. The experience was unlike anything I had ever done before. I didn't have to worry about the frailty of a female partner. I didn't have to wonder how far she was willing to go with me. Troy was strong and feeling and thinking the exact same thoughts as me. This would not be the night that I committed acts that would forever classify me as a gay man in the eyes of so many people I loved. But I would do wonderful other things, things I greatly enjoyed, things that left me without one ounce of doubt to my own sexuality.

 

 

7

 

After the night of Malcom's party, our relationship was….different. We were reckless, scandalous, and fearless in our desire to bask in the newfound intensity of our courtship. The night I spent with Troy opened all of the doors we both had kept closed for so long. Neither of us truly ever knowing or being able to experience pure “sex” drive, were certainly making up for it, without the actual sex of course. It's not as if the subject never came up, but I was still hesitant.

I was still driving him to and from school, but I left even earlier so we could spend time alone at his house. His dad was never home before 8:00 and Essie was usually nowhere to be found. Troy didn't breach the subject of Essie's morning absences and I didn't ask, happy enough at our privacy. After school, we alternated between training and going to my house where we could be alone for an hour or so.

 

During those hours before and after school we could talk, laugh and just be a real couple, which left the agonizing 7 hours of school where we were constantly on guard. After spending hours of endless time alone as a “couple”, it became very hard to appear as just friends while we were at school. Ignoring the desire to touch or kiss Troy in public was at times barely bearable. One of the things that helped us greatly was the fact that we did not have a single class together. I didn't have to worry about slipping off into a fantasy in the middle of class. Okay, I did still do that, but it is much easier to concentrate when Troy isn't being dangled two rows away from me.

Probably the only thing that saved us from “outing” ourselves was my continued relationship with Lola. After the night of Malcom's party, Troy was still not ready to yield to my stance on Lola. We did discuss it at length and came to an eventual agreement.

On the morning after the party, we both woke very early. I think somehow we both knew things had to be in order before Troy's dad came home. And his room was a disaster. Waking up snuggled, I hate to use a girly word, but it's the only word for it, with Troy, feeling his bear skin against mine was by far the best way I have ever woken up. The comfort and fulfillment I felt that morning was something I would bet I had not experienced since being a very small child. It made me realize just how lonely I had been. If it had not been for our knowledge that Troy's father would have be home any minute, we would have surely enjoyed another round. Letting go was excruciatingly hard. Somehow we parted.

Automatically we reached for our shirts and shoes and then began putting Troy's room back together. Years of pent up frustration was reflected in the disarray of our surroundings. Perhaps we did get a little carried away. Once the mess was cleaned up and we both looked decent, Troy spoke.

“I haven't changed my mind.” His stance changed to that of an army sergeant. He stood straight with his arms crossed in front of him, a look that could kill on his face.

“I didn't think you would, but nevertheless we must come to an agreement. It's too risky now. My desire to keep seeing Lola is not because I want her or enjoy the attention she brings to me, but about people not having any suspicions about us. After last night, I still don't know how we are going to keep this thing a secret, but I know staying with Lola only helps.” There, I had plead my case and crossed my fingers. He took his time formulating an answer. I could tell he wanted to choose the exact right words. When he eventually spoke, his voice was very low and soft.

“Everything you say is true. But I don't know if I can bear watching someone else share the things with you that I can't.” His eyes lowered to mine and pierced through them. I felt my stomach drop and I knew he was absolutely right. The memory of seeing Troy with Kelsey was still very strong to me and I couldn't imagine watching that every day at school. Before I could think of a solution, he offered one.

“I suppose I could keep seeing Kelsey. Maybe being involved with someone too will keep me otherwise occupied.” No! I wanted to scream out, but that would be selfish and cruel. Not to mention, plain unfair. Instead I tried to see possible benefits.

 

“Lola and Kelsey are friends. We would eat lunch together every day; go to all the same parties. You would have a valid reason to come to my games.” My anger subsiding as I continued to think of other pros in my head and the list grew.

The other details of our secret relationship were hashed out by the time Troy's dad came home. Mr. Akers briefly nodded to me and headed for his room. Troy explained that on Saturday mornings they sometimes go to the bar across from that factory. The owner opens it up for them and serves breakfast. Since it was nearly ten and Mr. Akers smelled like beer, I had to assume that was why he was delayed.

Once Troy's dad was safely behind closed doors, we let loose with a goodbye kiss that would lead onlookers, if there were any, to believe we were parting for the rest of our lives. We pulled away and I headed to my car, slightly out of breath. Then reality set in and I had to spend the rest of the drive home thinking of the story I would tell my folks.

As it turns out, I wasn't in any real trouble. For whatever reason, my parents weren't too worried about my decision to stay at Malcom's instead of coming home. So that brings us up to date.

A couple weeks had passed and no one was the wiser to our affair. But we were not without our problems. The two at the fore front were Homecoming and sex. So many times we had had the opportunity to take our relationship further. There was no worry of pregnancy because we were males. No one knew about us so we didn't have our reputations to uphold. It was illegal for us to get married so we wouldn't be holding out for that. According to the bible, we were already going to hell, so there were no excuses there. It boiled down to me.

Yes I wanted to so much I thought I would combust at times, but I was afraid of a lot of things. I had never even had sex the traditional way and part of me wanted to experience that first. There were also the other fears that naturally come with our chosen lifestyle. I didn't dare discuss having sex with Lola with Troy. His limits for me and Lola were stretched as it was. My brain was working to find a way around all this because I knew I would not do anything without Troy's consent, which he would never give.

The other issue was homecoming. We planned on taking our dates, but I had insisted on going to the after party. Troy was sure Kelsey would insist on graduating their relationship to more physical acts and he was a little repulsed by that. Not to mention that would leave me with Lola. Troy was more than aware of the pressure I was getting from everyone to seal the deal. Was Lola willing? Probably, but I surely hadn't asked.

So here we are, the Friday before homecoming. I was up the night before studying for the history exam, so I overslept. Immediately I sent a text to Troy telling him I would be late. Next I took a quick shower, threw on some clothes and headed out the door.

I made it to Troy's in record time, but we were still bordering on being late. He didn't say anything as he got into the car and I sped off. The parking lot was crazy, full of all the other late students trying to get to class on time. By the time we made it through the doors to part, I realized I hadn't even said hello.

Before Troy could wriggle away, I pulled him by the arm into the stairs that led to the gym balcony. He followed me up a flight of stairs before I turned on him, pinning him back against the wall. His response was quick and we were locked together. In addition to the excitement of kissing Troy, I felt the high you sometimes get when you know you are doing something illegal. It wasn't illegal what we were doing, but if even one person were to see us, we would be exposed and it would all end. The same thoughts were going through Troy's mind, I was sure, but we could not break away. A loud shout from the hallway below sent us scattering into opposite sides of the stairwell. Once we realized we were still alone, we laughed. The laughing became uncontrollable, only stopping when the warning bell rang.

Quickly, we made our way back to each other for one last goodbye. Instead of a kiss, Troy turned to side to whisper in my ear.

“I've never been so happy.” He inhaled my scent and shivers went down my spine. Before I could respond, he bounced down the stairs.

The rest of the day went as normal. Troy and I were still avoiding each other until lunch. We may have been able to keep our hands away, but our eyes said everything. At least when we had Lola and Kelsey, it seemed as if our good mood and giddy behavior was attributed to them.

At the end of the day, I had to face my dreaded exam. I was going to have to find a way to balance not only school and Troy, but also basketball because that would become a full time commitment soon enough. My mind was trying to think of ways to make it all work, without losing any time with Troy, when the bell rang. School was out and I would soon be alone with Troy. I could not control the smile that went across my face.

When I caught up with Troy after school, he said Essie wanted to visit his mom and he thought he should go. So he left with the promise to meet me later at his house.

Five excruciatingly long hours later, I was knocking on the door to Troy's house. Essie answered the door today. She stepped quickly aside and resumed her seat on the couch. Troy was also perched in the living room, so I found a seat next to Essie. They were watching re-runs of Family Guy. Troy's dad was fiddling around in the kitchen, packing his lunch and doing other odds and ends to get ready for work.

In the past month, Troy and I had spent so much time at each other's houses that I didn't even get a nod from Mr. Akers. It was a good sign though, like I was becoming part of the family like many “best friends” of the children do. Neither of our parents was suspicious of us. We did lots of things together in full view of our families. Actually, apart from our mornings and brief time after school, we were not intimate. I was not allowed to stay at Troy's, where we could be alone for long amounts of time and when Troy stayed at my house, we didn't dare toe the line. Tonight would be our first night alone, so to speak.

So here we were, by now Mr. Akers had joined us, laughing at the genius of the show. One big happy family. Except for Essie. She was without her usual spunkiness. Her face was sagging and her color was paler than usual. Suddenly her phone rang. I recognized the ring as Mitch's immediately. Essie answered with a “tone” in her voice. Arguing soon followed. Troy rolled his eyes and Mr. Akers mumbled “outside” and Essie got up and left the room. I looked at the clock, 9:15. Essie bounded back into the room, pausing to grab her coat.

“Not too late Essie,” Mr. Aker's authoritative voice boomed. She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek.

 

“Of course, daddy.” She was out the door. One down, one to go. I could feel myself getting restless.

“Well I suppose I better get going. You boys stay out of trouble.” Mr. Akers slowly dragged himself from the chair and gathered his things. A minute later he was out the door and we were alone.

Troy jumped up to lock the door and then bounded across the room to me. Somehow, we made our way to his room. Things were escalating and I knew Troy would be asking me the question I always dreaded answering. Sure enough, I was right.

“Porter, no one is coming back, it's just us. There is nothing to stop us.” He had no idea the inner turmoil I was facing. Why was it so much easier for him? Part of me wanted all the things he wanted, but the other part was terrified. I was giving in and we were close to the moment, but my entire body tensed and froze. He felt it immediately.

“Are you afraid it will hurt?” He asked from behind me. I kept silent. Then he let out a soft chuckle and whispered, “Trust me, you won't be thinking about the pain.” That immediately registered and I turned to face him. I was able to see the color drain away from him, taking with it all his lust and desire. I asked the question he knew I inevitably would, the question that made the color leave his face.

“How can you be so sure?” When he didn't answer, panic set it. It had never occurred to me that Troy was not a virgin. At least a virgin with men. Everything inside me died or at least it felt like it. Within seconds I had found my clothes, dressed and was out the bedroom door. As far as I could tell, Troy had not moved. At some point, he did move and fast because before I was out the front door he grabbed my arm to pull me back in. Somehow, he managed to pull on a pair of paints, but his top was still bare. Instinctively I pulled back into the house before any neighbors could see.

I stood very still, glaring at him. What would Troy do if the situation was reversed? Hadn't he said he would always listen? The fair thing to do would be to let him give me an explanation, but I was not in a mood to do anything that would be fair. Since I hadn't knocked him down and went stomping out the door, he started talking fast.

“Last summer, I was still unsure about things, so I went into the city looking for a place for people like us, gay people.” He paused to make sure I was listening. I could see where this would lead all too clearly. “It didn't take long and I really didn't have much trouble getting in. Anyone looking hard enough could see me for what I was. A kid experimenting in the big world. Before too long, he saw me. He was so beautiful and,”

“No, no, no!” I cut him off right there. I was not going to listen to his sexy tryst with some gorgeous man from the city. My feet pivoted and I began to step towards the door. Before I could reach the handle, Troy had leapt at me, slamming me into the door so I could not move. My back was to him and he had me in a bear hug. I could feel his breath on my neck.

“How could I know I would find you?” Desperation was in his voice. I thought he might burst into tears.

“What sort of person has a one night stand with a stranger?!” My anger was so strong I was sure I could rip away from his grasp.

“We were safe, I promise. Please Porter, forgive me. I can't go back to the way it was. Life was nothing before you.” Of course he could. Sure it may hurt us both now, but he would get over it.

“Maybe I want someone who isn't tainted, someone pure.” His arms dropped and he stepped way, head down. Though I was free, I didn't leave. I watched Troy, knowing my words had implanted the exact thoughts he dreaded most. By the time he raised his face back up to look at me, there were tears in his eyes.

“I can't change what I did before us. Those things don't change who I am. But if you go to her and do this, we will be done and I will never forgive you.” I put my hand on the door and walked out.