Other Fan Fiction ❯ Running Scared-Dir en grey ❯ Damn it all! ( Chapter 2 )

Despite the short delay, they managed to catch a bus that'd take to where they needed to go. Albeit, they were breathless and the whole brisk stroll to the stop Kyo had remained in a vigil. Even on the bus he continued to observe this silence and it irked Kaoru greatly. Not ten minutes ago he found Kyo's stubbornness cute and attractive. But now, as he looked back over those last ten minutes and contemplated over Kyo's contorted brows and fiery eyes, he began to wonder if Kyo had been genuinely pissed. Of course, by the time they made it to the bus and sat down, Kyo had calmed. But the intensity of Kyo's stare as he gazed out the dirty bus window was enough to make even the confident Kaoru question his own self. He'd thought his light teasing might bring Kyo closer to him and let him know that what he wanted wasn't all that hard to get. Now however, he nervously wondered whether or not it was actually pushing Kyo away. In Kaoru's mind it made sense that such teasing could be considered flirtatious. But then again, Kyo's mind worked differently sometimes.

He recalled a time, on their current tour, when Kyo had a bit of an embarrassing accident. The performance hall was empty and people were running up and down across the stage with speakers and other equipment. The show had been over for an hour and Kyo was content with walking across the stage for one reason or another. That night he had made an event of his spewing and the whole front half of the stage was drenched. One unfortunate staff member was down on all fours cleaning up the mess when Kyo tripped backwards over him. The young singer let out a raspy yelp of surprise and because he hadn't hurt himself, the sound was fallowed by the laughing of his peers. Even the one he tripped over began to chuckle. Normally, one would laugh at themselves for such a silly mistake. But Kyo had been fuming! He scrambled to his feet and proceeded to scold the staff. This only made them laugh harder. So red faced and practically foaming at the mouth Kyo stomps off. For the rest of the night Kyo was a ticking time bomb.

Witnessing that and thinking over tonight Kaoru realized that the more embarrassed Kyo became the angrier he was. Kaoru felt a wave of paranoia. Perhaps instead of interpreting them as playfulness maybe Kyo saw the teasing as an insult. Maybe instead of fueling a fire perhaps Kaoru had stomped it out.

Kaoru looked over at Kyo. He was still staring out the window and blinking into drowsiness. Kaoru felt an urge to give Kyo a sign of some kind. One really sincere hint. But then wasn't a kiss the bluntest hint he could give without actually saying anything?! He was confusing himself.

On one side of Kyo's head his hair was askew and sticking out awkwardly. With a painted nails Kaoru reach out a hand and smoothed it down. Startled witless, Kyo jumped and so did Kaoru. He stared at his leader with alert cat-like eyes that seemed ready for danger.

“S-sorry,” Kaoru was taken aback by Kyo's tense reaction. “I was just fixing your hair. I didn't mean to scare you.” He looked away and scratched the back of his head.

Kyo blinked himself to his senses. “Oh.” He replied and slowly turned back to the window. Damn, Kaoru thought, he's in attack mode. Did I do that?

 

 

 

They motored at a comfortable pace on their walk back to the hotel. They stayed shoulder to shoulder (or to some extent) and moved stride for stride. At this hour, in any other place, people would be turning in and stillness would begin to settle. But this was the city and cities did not rest nor did all the lights go out. One good thing about the city was that if you woke from an unsettling dream at least you'd know you weren't alone. There would always someone with restless nerves rustling about in the night.

Kaoru just knew that tonight would be one of those nights. He couldn't perceive in his mind any reason he'd rest easy. He was too paranoid, too anxious, too….what? What else was he feeling? Was it regret? He felt a sharp pain in the front right side of his skull. He was digging in too deep. He needed to relax.

They reached the hotel and it wasn't until he stepped into the warm air did he realize he'd been freezing. An elevator was filling up with night owls and late arrivals. They shoved in with their bags and sleepy children like cattle in an enclosure. Like the devil was on his heels Kyo made for the steel doors. He dived in and nearly missed being crushed. Kaoru knew better then to fallow. Why bother? What was the point? There was none now that they were back within neutral quarters. Besides, he knew kyo had taken enough from him already. He didn't deserve anymore and Kaoru had already over done it.

At his own pace Kaoru made it to the fourth floor. It was empty and so he made the journey down the hall alone. He eyed the door numbers as they passed, looking for his own. He stopped at room number 62 and pulled a key card, bearing the same number, out of his back pocket. He stopped short of inserting it to look behind him. The hotel doors had no gaps under them so it was impossible to tell whether Kyo had gone to bed or not. He felt a pang of loneliness. He'd thought he'd accomplish something tonight but now he wasn't so sure. Like Kyo, he felt like running and hiding. He couldn't blame him. He was only human. He put in the key card and when it beeped he entered the room to find Shinya asleep. His familiar breathing acted like a lullaby does for a child and he grew drowsy on the spot.

 

 

He didn't want the think about Kaoru but he found he had no choice. He closed his eyes, buried his head in pillows, and even put on his iPod head phones and still his mind refused to concentrate on sleep. He was so tired. The moment things started to…stir he was energized to a point of agitation. He felt as though he couldn't sit still. He felt like he could run in circles for days. That was a rare feeling for him and it was not welcome. When moments like that came he always did something stupid. Like those random moments when he was inspired to do something off schedule on stage. His audience loved it but it was a pain on his part. He always regretted his actions later. Kyo growled audibly from his bed. He was angry. He didn't regret his actions only letting himself get into the situation in the first place (which was a direct contradiction of not regretting his actions). He twisted violently and tangled himself in his sheets. He was so tired. The moment Kaoru kissed him all his energy drain out of him like melting wax. It burned at the top of his head and grew cold at his feet. The whole ordeal had exhausted him. He tired to sleep again but he only saw Kaoru's face. He saw the purple hairs moving weightlessly in the wind, he saw his serious face and his joking one, he saw how all together his grace, military stature, and humor made such an attractive person. He'd always liked Kaoru but why was it now that he was starting to think maturely about him? Had his puppy love grown? He felt some pride in realizing his own personal development. A part of him still longed to be a child but why settle for naivety when you can say you've done it all? Why was he still thinking about this?

So far, since he'd first walked in, not even the unconscious Die had done anything for his attention. He'd entered not twenty minutes ago to find Die fully dressed and passed out on his bed. He never stirred at the sound of the opening and neither closing door nor the sounds of Kyo's dressing. But he did give off a disgruntled noise when the bathroom light came on.

 

While on tour there were certain rules they all agreed to fallow. Such as no unauthorized person in hotel rooms, turn in at a set time and awake at a set time to avoid sluggishness, and of course, no getting drunk to avoid hang-overs. During the work nights the management only allowed a few beers to calm nerves and for enjoyment. On most occasions Die observed and obeyed this rule. But on some nights Die could be found single handedly drowning in the staff's (who had no restrictions) alcohol supple. He always hated himself in the morning for pulling such a stunt and to make up for it he still held up his performance during shows. After years of expericance he was rather good at `walking it off.' In Kyo's mind, it wasn't a proud skill.

While crawling in bed he thought of shaking him awake and encouraging him to change but he realized he didn't care. The only sleeping thing he cared about was curled up across the hall. He had forgotten how Kaoru slept. Did he pull the covers up all the way until he disappeared or did he sleep with them half down? Did he sleep on his side or back? Was he prone to mumbling or shifting in his sleep?

He stared at the ceiling and decided to stop trying to close his eyes. He found it was useless. Why sleep when your body wanted to do something else? Maybe if he laid still….

Suddenly Kyo heard Die move in his bed. He looked over and the silhouette against the window curtains was rubbing its head. He could hear the nails digging deep to scratch feeling into the numbed skull.

“Look who's awake.” Kyo couldn't help but comment. Die didn't say morning greetings or reply with a clever retort he merely inquired into how long he'd been out. Kyo shrugged in the dark

“I don't know. I just got back.”

“Oh.” The silhouette swiveled its head around and looked about. He seemed to be trying to remember where he was. It shook its head once, rubbed its eyes and leaned over to the left. The room became light by a fading yellow glow. The whole room became exposed to show the littered clothes kyo had thrown to the ground, Dies hair brush on the night stand, a towel…Kyo yelped and hide his eyes.

“Gawd,” He moaned. “What the fuck? Go to bed.” Die ignored him and leaned back against the head board of his bed. He sighed and said “no.” there was no force or command in his voice it was just…no. Die looked over at him with an expression Kyo could not read. The weight of eyes made him spineless and he pulled the covers up higher on his shoulders. With a grunt of disregard he brushed off Die's gaze

“What the fuck ever. I don't care.” He closed his eyes and pretended the want to sleep. He suddenly realized how soft the sheets felt and it made his eye lids heavy. Why hadn't he realized how comfy the bed was? Had the pillow always been this plush?

“Stay up with me.”

Kyo opened his eyes with a snap. “What?”

“Stay up me.” Die repeated.

Giving him his best disgusted look Kyo shook his head. “Why?!”

“Because…I'm lonely?”

Kyo blinked and Die blinked back.

 

 

 

 

 

Kaoru couldn't feel more buoyant. He if he'd known a good night sleep would have solved all his stress he would have gotten in that evaluator faster then Kyo. He had mountains of energy. Once the early morning knock on his door came he was up and dressed, ready to get preparations for tonight's show started. He shuffled the drowsy Shinya into the shower and paraded him out the door. He joked and kid all the way to the van. Once he was awake Shinya started to laugh over Kaoru's giddiness.

“You are real cheerful this morning Leader-sama. Have a nice night?”

They both laughed but once Shinya looked away Kaoru frowned. Last night. Now he was starting to feel the old familiar dread. How depressing last night had been but at the same time…it was a start. He bucked up and wouldn't let himself feel it all again. It was a new day and so there would be new opportunities to prove himself real to Kyo. The only question was how to do that?

He jumped into the van and immediately noticed the lack of people.

“Where's Kyo?” He peered out his window to the hotel entrance. A woman and her baby, a random man, another woman…No one of merit walked out.

“Die and Kyo are being extra slow this morning. So our driver is gonna get them later.” Toshiya told him from the back.

Kaoru hadn't even thought of Die. And it wasn't until now did he remember that they shared a room. Suddenly his mood changed. He had to admit…he was now jealous. His affection for Kyo was rather new, just a small bud that was waiting to bloom. Because of this Kaoru couldn't recall what it was like to linger in a room alone with Kyo. It been so long since they had shared a room and he'd never really paid attention to begin with. He hated that had missed out on the finer things of sharing a room. The sound of Kyo's breathing, the smell of him in the bathroom, the sight of him half naked…

Damn that drunken Daisuke. Did he even realize what he had on his hands? Oh my…he hoped he hand nothing on his hand…

 

 

 

 

The pair didn't arrive all that late. Only thirty minutes at the least behind Toshiya, Kaoru, and Shinya. They had several rooms at the venue reserved for their staff but only one for make up and hair. Die and Kyo entered it like a band of school girls. As soon as the laughing chatterboxes infected the room with their jovialness everyone became in a good mood. Smiles breed more smiles as they say. It was like suddenly everyone had cracked a joke to someone. People started laughing and joking around but luckily still staying on task. Kaoru watched the two suspiciously as they crossed the room to have their hair washed. The jabbering continued over the sound of running water and splashing. They paused as the hair dryers blew at their heads but once they went off so did dumb and dumber. He'd seen Kyo happy before…but his eyes seemed completely carefree this time. Die and Kyo had always been close friends…but this seemed out of place. It seemed rather sudden. Kaoru remembered back to a book he had to read in school. There was a part when the couple had woken up after a night of making love (no it wasn't that kind of book but he wish it had been) and for the whole next day they laughed and joked like lovers do.

A wave of anger and jealousy came over Kaoru. Was that the story? Was that what happened? He is my Kyo, mine! If you touched him Dai-No, he was being paranoid…too paranoid. He was almost being abusive. If Kyo wanted to have Die who was Kaoru to say otherwise? He had no right to believe he owned Kyo. His stylist pulled his hair too tightly and he winced. He looked away from the mirror he was watching in and glared at his feet. But…Kyo was his. He felt as though he had claim on him but how could anyone know that? His bands mates aren't telepathic. A burst a laugher came and he looked up to see Die trying to wrestle Kyo out of his chair. Touching?! That's too much! He had to at least investigate. He had to know what Kyo wanted. Had Kyo's obvious affection just been Kaoru imagination? Had he jumped to conclusions and made a fool of himself? Or was Kyo playing some kind of game? Hurt was what he felt next. He couldn't imagine…was Kyo really that shallow? He looked into the reflection at the smiling face. He seemed sincere. He saw no cunning in those orbs just…he saw…The dresser pulled his hair again.

“Gah!”