Outlaw Star Fan Fiction ❯ The Cupid Chronicles ❯ Kittens, Babies, and Androids! ( Epilogue )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Nate Grey 
The crew re-unites at Gene & Melfina's place, and this is one family reunion that Gene could do without...
Anime/Manga: Outlaw Star Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.30.2001 | Pages: 8 | Words: 3.9K | Visits: 800 | Status: Completed
The crew re-unites at Gene & Melfina's place, and this is one family reunion that Gene could do without...
Anime/Manga: Outlaw Star Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.30.2001 | Pages: 8 | Words: 3.9K | Visits: 800 | Status: Completed
The Cupid Chronicles 5: Kittens, Babies, and Androids!
Note: First, I don't wanna hear anything about how humans and Ctarl-Ctarl can't have offspring. I don't wanna hear anything about how humans and bio-androids can't have children. It's my story, and if I say I can get away with, then I can, dangit! Besides, I did promise last time. On with the story...
Summary: I don't really have one. Guess you'll have to read and find out. Anyway, have fun. I know I did.
"How is she?"
The guard looked troubled. "Well, sir...she gave us some difficulty."
"Doesn't she always?"
"Well, yes, but..." He sighed. "Ten nurses were injured."
"That's better than the usual thirty-five, isn't it?"
"I suppose, but I'm not sure if you should go in yet. She's still...uh...screaming."
"Oh, don't worry about that." He stepped around the guard and pushed the door open.
"YOU'RE ALL DEAD IF YOU TOUCH THEM AGAIN!" Aisha screamed.
Jim winked at the guard. "See? She's calm now, compared to the last time."
"If you say so, sir."
Jim closed the door behind him and cleared his throat.
Aisha instantly stopped screaming when she spotted him. "Jimmy!" she purred happily, holding her arms out to him.
Jim walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around her. "How do you feel?"
Aisha buried her face in his jacket and pouted. "Fine, but those evil nurses won't let me see them!"
Jim chuckled and gently stroked her hair. "Aisha, you know they have to be checked out first."
She pulled back and looked at him. "But I could do that!"
"Uh...you're not a doctor."
"They're MINE! I'd know if something was wrong with them!" she cried, her voice heading for another scream.
Jim didn't dare offer a word of protest. "Did it hurt much?"
"I can take pain," she replied confidently.
"Sure. Then why did you take out the nurses again?"
"They were poking me!"
"Aisha, they were only trying to calm you down."
"Poking makes me angry, not calm!"
Jim sighed. "Never mind. Just remember that if you injure all the nurses, there won't be anyone to help the next time you go into labor."
"Next time?" Her eyes narrowed.
"I thought you could take a little pain?"
"I can. But I only want six."
"Aisha, we have seven."
"Which is EXACTLY why I want to stop now."
Before Jim could say anything else, he sensed someone behind him.
"Um...excuse me...Miss Aisha?"
"What?!" Aisha snarled.
The nurse gasped and drew back a bit. "Well...the chil-um, babi-er...THEY'RE ready for you now!"
"HAND THEM OVER RIGHT NOW!" Aisha bellowed.
Jim pushed Aisha back down onto the bed as two more nurses (both looking slightly roughed-up) carried in two tiny bundles. They took one look at Aisha, and both tried to hand their bundles to Jim.
Aisha snarled again. "YOU!" she said, pointing at one of them. "GET OVER HERE!"
The nurse nearly fainted right there, but cautiously walked over to Aisha's side of the bed and surrendered the bundle.
Aisha grabbed for it as if it were a fish and held it close to herself, sending both nurses running out of the room with a hiss.
"That was mean, Aisha," Jim said, carefully handing her the other bundle.
"They're MINE!" she insisted. "Those evil people shouldn't have taken them in the first place!"
"Yours? I think I had something to do with it, too!"
"I did all the hard stuff, and they're MINE!" She glared at him. "Don't get dead, Jimmy!"
Jim only shook his head, then smiled. "Aisha, I think someone's looking at you."
Aisha looked down to see two pairs of little blue eyes staring up at her. "They're beautiful," she whispered.
"I'd just like to point out that your eyes aren't blue."
"Oh, fine! You can have one...for NOW." Aisha reluctantly gave up one bundle, then cuddled the other protectively.
Jim played with his bundle for a few minutes, then frowned. "Uh...Aisha?"
"What?"
"I don't want to alarm you or anything, but...I think mine's broken."
"What are you talking about, Jimmy?"
"It stopped moving. I mean, I can see it breathing and everything, but...it's just sitting there."
"Well, poke it or something!"
"I did. It just looks at me."
"Oh. Then don't poke it; you're probably making it mad."
"It doesn't LOOK mad. It just looks...vacant."
"Here, let's switch." Aisha took the other bundle. "Well, I don't know. Maybe he's shy."
"How do you know it's a he?"
"A mother ALWAYS knows."
Jim shrugged, poked his new bundle, and was rewarded with a tiny giggle. "See? This one works okay."
"Jimmy, they're not computers. They don't work, they LIVE."
"You know what I mean."
Aisha frowned. "Maybe he needs something."
"Wouldn't he be crying if he did?"
"Well, maybe he doesn't know how to do that yet."
Jim grinned. "Then let's hope he doesn't find out, either."
* * * * *
"Hey, Mel! You seen my black shirt?!"
Melfina sighed. "In the closet, Gene!"
"Thanks!" There was a slight pause. "I don't see it!"
"Did you try turning on the closet light?"
There was a grunt, followed by another pause. "Got it!"
Melfina shook her head and turned back to the pot...only to find a small hand reaching into with a spoon. "Jamie, NO! Get away from there!" She snatched the small boy away from the pot.
"Wanna taste!" the child whined, struggling in her arms.
"It's too hot, Jamie," Melfina insisted, trying to get a decent grip on him. "You have to wait."
"No! Don't wanna wait! Wanna taste now!"
"Honey, give Mommy a break. She's really tired, and she has to finish cooking before everyone gets here. Okay?"
"Wanna taste!" Jamie repeated.
Melfina sighed. "Gene!"
"Yeah?!"
"It's story time again!"
"What, now?!"
"Yes!"
Soon, Gene walked into the kitchen, looking somewhat annoyed. "Which story?"
"The one about the Anten Seven."
"Oh, THAT one," Gene said, grinning evilly. "C'mon, champ." He grabbed Jamie and tucked him under one arm. "Did I ever tell you how we BARELY escaped with our lives from those guys?"
"Yeah. You told it last week."
"But did I tell you about the time they captured Mommy?"
Jamie's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yeah! And they had Uncle Jim tied up in the dungeon!"
"What else?!" Jamie cried.
Gene looked horrified. "They fried all of Gilliam's circuits, and then they made Suzuka use...a REAL sword!!!"
"And then what?!" Jamie asked.
"And then...they took your dear old Dad...and made him do the unthinkable!"
"What?!" Jamie nearly screamed. "WHAT?!"
"THEY MADE ME EAT AISHA'S COOKING!"
"AAAAAAAHHH!!!" they both screamed.
Melfina giggled and shook her head. "You two are terrible."
Gene chuckled and set Jamie down on the couch. "Anyway, you have to be good for the rest of the week, kid. Because you know what happens if you don't?"
"What?" Jamie asked.
Gene grinned evilly. "Well, Aunt Aisha's coming to town, so you can die one of two ways. Either she can make you eat Ctarl-Ctarl Stew..."
"EW!"
"Or...SHE'S GONNA EAT YOU!"
"AAAAAAAHHH!" Jamie leaped off the couch and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Gene leaned back on the couch. "Works every time."
"Don't you think we should at least tell Aisha one of these days?" Melfina asked.
"Nope," Gene replied. "Because it's always a riot to see her try and hug him after he's heard one of my stories. What time are they getting here?"
"Jim called and said they'd be late. Aisha had the twins early."
"Really? That's SEVEN of the little monsters now. I wonder how he can stand it."
"I wonder how WE'RE going to stand it. Remember what they did to the furniture?"
"Yeah. Everything they can reach is a scratching post to them. Heck, they even got ME a couple of times." Gene shuddered. "I can just SEE those beady little eyes right now..."
"Sounds like material for another one of your stories."
Gene grinned. "Oh, yeah. Hey, JAMIE!"
* * * * *
"Aisha, I think you can stop doing sit-ups now."
"Jimmy, I REFUSE to be fat anywhere in the vicinity of Gene Starwind."
The little kitten holding Aisha's feet looked tired just from watching. "Three thousand, Mom."
"Huh? Oh, thanks, Tiger." Aisha went back to work.
Jim sighed and turned back to the console. "Well, we should reach Sentinel III in just over an hour."
"What?! Why didn't you tell me?! Tiger, we're going double-time!"
Jim sighed again. "I shouldn't have said anything..."
* * * * *
"I got it!" Gene shouted as the doorbell rang. He smoothed out his hair and opened the door. "Uh...hello?"
"Down here!"
Gene looked down to see a small girl. "Uh...do I know you?"
"Hiya, Mr. Starwind! Do you know who I am?"
"No..." Gene blinked a few times. "Look, if you're selling cookies, we don't want any." He closed the door and turned away.
"HIIIIIIIII-YA!"
The door was blown off its hinges and slammed into Gene, knocking him to the floor.
Melfina came running into the front hall. "I forgot to tell you that Suzuka was coming, Gene! Is she here already?"
"No, but the shorter version of her is," Gene moaned from the floor.
Melfina looked up to see a small girl with a very large sword standing on top of the door, and Gene. "Oh, she's adorable!"
"Easy to say when you're not under the door," Gene groaned.
The girl leaned down and pulled the door off him. "Sorry 'bout that, Mr. Starwind, but Mommy said you deserved it."
"Just where are your parents, kid?" Gene asked, slowly getting up.
"Right here," Suzuka said as she walked in, followed by...
Gene's eyes bulged. "LEILONG?!"
"What?" Leilong asked, looking puzzled.
"YOU...AND SUZUKA?!"
"What?" Suzuka asked, starting to get annoyed.
Gene looked from Suzuka to Leilong, and then at the girl that had just flattened him. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all."
Melfina turned to the rear of the house. "Jamie, come and see Auntie Suzuka!"
Jamie came running out of his room and hugged Suzuka's leg. "Auntie S! You gotta help me!" he cried, looking desperate.
"What's wrong, Jamie?" Suzuka asked, picking him up.
"AISHA'S GONNA EAT ME!" he screamed.
Suzuka looked at Gene. "This is your work, no doubt."
"How could you tell?" Gene asked.
"Only YOU would traumatize your own child."
"Hey, it's no different from what my father told me about the boogeyman when I was growing up."
"BOOGEYMAN?!" Jamie wailed.
Leilong just looked at them all. "I can see this night is going to be very interesting..." But under his breath, he muttered, "What in the world have I married into...?"
* * * * *
"Be honest, Jimmy. Do I look fat to you?" Aisha asked.
Jim just looked at her. "There's no way for me to answer that safely."
"I'm FAT?!"
"NO, Aisha. But even if I said that, you wouldn't believe me. So why do you even bother to ask me in the first place?"
"You're avoiding the question, Jimmy."
"Yes. Yes, I am."
Aisha sighed. "Well, Melfina will tell me the truth."
"But by then, Gene will have already seen you."
"I know. Which is why I plan to bash his head in while you hold the twins."
Jim smirked. "I'm glad you're holding them now, then."
"You'd better be."
"Just try not to kill him," Jim murmured, knocking on the door.
The door creaked, then fell away in pieces.
Jim looked at Aisha.
"I didn't do it!" she swore. "I'm holding the twins, remember?"
"Sure." Jim looked into the hall. "Uh...Mel? Gene? You guys here?"
Melfina appeared a few seconds later. "Sorry about that, guys. We were busy entertaining Suzkua and her...family."
"Suzuka got married?" Jim asked in disbelief.
"Yes. We were surprised, too." Melfina glanced down at the little army crowded around Aisha's legs. "They're getting so big, Aisha!"
"Hi, Auntie Mel!" five voices greeted her.
"Can we eat yet?" Tiger asked.
Melfina smiled. "Sure, come on in! Dinner's just about ready."
Five brown blurs instantly flew past her.
Aisha sighed. "Mel, you've got to stop being so nice to my kittens. They'll take advantage of you every time."
"AH! GET 'EM OFF ME!" Gene screamed from inside the house.
"Looks like they found their favorite chew toy," Jim chuckled. "I guess we'd better do something."
"I agree." Aisha grinned wickedly. "Got a camera handy, Mel?"
* * * * *
"You scared?" Jamie whispered, hugging the pillow tightly.
Nina shook her head. "Nope. They're just baby cats."
Aisha's kittens were all over the place. Two were clawing Gene, two were ripping up the couch, and a very brave one was even trying to tear up Leliong's boot.
"But they could EAT us!" Jamie cried, looking nervous.
"Ctarl-Ctarl don't eat people," Nina replied. "At least, I've never seen them do it. Besides, I have a big sword. They wouldn't mess with me."
"But what about ME?!"
"Just stay with me and they'll leave you alone," she promised.
"But what about when you leave? What THEN?"
Nina shrugged. "Guess you're on your own."
Jamie looked worried. "Can I borrow your sword?"
"Nope. Sorry."
"How about a gun?"
"Don't have one."
"A club?"
"No."
"...a rock?"
Nina grinned. "I don't think that would help much."
"But I need something!"
"Did you try a ball of string?"
* * * * *
Tiger yawned, showing several of his sharp teeth. He was bored. The big man's boot wasn't tearing like it should have. It was probably made of some special material just to keep kittens like himself from having fun.
"Pssst! Tiger!"
He glanced up to see Wildcat waving him over. he thought to himself. Still, he scrambled over to her.
"Puma says there's some more chili in the kitchen!" she said. "Him and Panther started without us! C'mon!"
The two kittens raced into the kitchen, where their younger brothers were already digging pawfuls of chili out of the large pot. Tiger and Wildcat pushed through, grabbing some for themselves. It wasn't long before Cheetah joined them, completing the group.
"Auntie Mel makes everything taste good!" Puma declared as he scraped the bottom of the pot.
"No kidding," Panther said. "But she NEVER makes enough!"
"And she always leaves stuff where we can get it," Cheetah added with his mouth full. "She's really nice, huh?"
"Or really stupid," Tiger and Wildcat replied together, grinning at each other.
"As long as she's got dessert stashed somewhere, who cares?" Puma asked.
The others nodded in agreement and began searching the kitchen for their next course.
* * * * *
"AAAAHHH! AISHA, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!" Gene screamed.
"Feeding my kittens," Aisha replied.
"NO! PUT THAT THING BACK AND LOCK IT UP FOREVER!"
Aisha rolled her eyes. "Jimmy, please explain to Gene that breastfeeding is perfectly natural...even for humans."
"That is true, Gene," Melfina pointed out. "It's what I did with Jamie."
"That's different," Gene muttered. "You're MINE. I can look at you."
"So if you can't look at Aisha since she's mine, why ARE you looking?" Jim asked.
"Maybe he has a suppressed desire for a certain Ctarl-Ctarl," Suzuka suggested.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that!" Gene and Aisha snapped at once.
"Now they're getting psychic on us," Leilong added. "It's got to be fate."
"SHUT UP!" Gene and Aisha shouted.
"It's not MY fault you're secretly attracted to each other," he muttered.
Gene started to get up, but Melfina pulled him back down.
"At least MY kid doesn't have destructive tendencies!" Gene shouted.
"That's because your kid is a wimp," Leilong pointed out. "His only tendencies are to whine, scream, and cry."
"Hey, wait a minute," Melfina interrupted, looking upset.
"He has a point," Suzuka said. "Jamie could use some lessons in self-defense."
"Too bad he isn't a Ctarl-Ctarl," Aisha said. "Then it would come naturally."
"So would shedding and a bad attitude," Gene muttered under his breath.
"HEY!" Jim shouted. "I heard that!"
"Good. And I'm sure Aisha did with those ears of hers, too."
"At least MY ears are good for something!" Aisha" screamed. "Yours don't even let AIR get to your poor excuse for a brain!"
"That's IT!" Gene jumped off the couch. "I want all of you and your little monsters OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"I'll fight you for the right to stay," Leilong said.
"OUT!"
"Chicken?"
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me."
Gene turned red. "Fine! But when I win, you're paying for my door, and Jim's paying for my couch, by back, and anything ELSE those animals tore up!"
Aisha frowned. "Jim, hold the twins. I'm going to fight, too."
"What?" Jim asked. "Aisha, you can't!"
"I can and will. That's the last time he talks about MY kittens that way."
"Hey, Dad!" Jamie said as he came running in. "Look what we found in the basement!"
"Not now, champ," Gene said. "Daddy's about to fight to the death...again."
"But lookit! It's a dragon!"
Gene's head snapped up. "Oh no. NO!"
"Weeeeeeee!" Nina giggled as she rode a very familiar blue-backed browbeater into the room.
"YOU!" Gene shouted. "All those monsters are YOUR fault, Cachit!"
"Gene, Aisha and I liked each other before we met Cachit," Jim said. "Why can't you accept that?"
"Okay, MAYBE. But what about Suzuka and...and...LEILONG?!"
"Actually, Cachit vanished before I met Leilong," Suzuka replied.
"And I've never seen him before," Leilong added.
"So everyone got together without Cachit?" Melfina asked. "That's...odd."
"But it does mean Gene can't blame him anymore," Jim said.
"Well, I'm still fighting Aisha and Leilong to the death," Gene stated.
"No, you aren't," Melfina said. "They're our friends, and I'm sick of cleaning up after your fights. Do you know how hard it is to get bloodstains out of the carpet?"
"Just wait until those ani...uh...kittens have had too much drink. Then you'll be trying to get something worse than blood out of the carpet..."
* * * * *
"Okay. So you guys don't eat humans?" Jamie asked slowly.
"Nope," Tiger replied. "They taste funny."
Jamie's face lost some of its color, but he nodded.
"Besides, you're half android," Wildcat pointed out. "You might taste like metal or something."
"I do not!"
"Have YOU ever tasted yourself?" Puma asked.
"Well...no."
"Then you don't know."
"Well...at least I don't taste like fur!"
Tiger snorted. "Don't be stupid. No one's ever eaten a Ctarl-Ctarl. You don't know what we taste like, and you never will."
"I bet you taste like Ctarl-Ctarl Stew," Nina replied. "Maybe that's how it got the name."
"You're lying," Cheetah said, though he looked nervous.
"Well, you SAY nobody's eaten a Ctarl-Ctarl, but have you ever seen a dead one?"
"No," Panther muttered.
"Then what do you think they do with the bodies?"
The kittens all looked at each other, then ran out of the room. "MOOOOOOOM!"
* * * * *
Fred was quite surprised when Aisha came to visit him. Even more surprising was what she brought with her: a check for...well...everything Gene owed him. Actually, it had been several checks, but they all added up to that. She swore that they were good, too. He hadn't believed her...until she pulled up Starwind & Hawking's account. Sure enough, all the money was there. Legally, for that matter.
He hadn't told her about his new wife. But then, she hadn't asked.
* * * * *
Jim was quite surprised to learn that someone wanted Cachit. Even more surprising was the amount that someone was willing to pay. With a little tweaking, it came out to everything that Gene owed Fred, and then some. He'd quickly made the trade, and the money was transferred to their company's account.
Jim wanted to tell Gene about it, but the customer had sworn him to secrecy.
* * * * *
Fred's new wife could hardly believe her luck. At first, she'd only married Fred for his money. After she heard he'd officially gone straight again, she'd jumped at the chance. She had no real love for him; it was all about the money.
But then she'd found out that Jim Hawking was in town, and that he was trying to sell something she had great need of. She'd been skeptical, at first. But when she tested it out on Fred, he'd signed the divorce papers with no fuss. He'd even given her half of his fortune, which was more than enough to keep her in luxury for the rest of her life.
And now, she was driving over to Starwind & Hawking Enterprises. No, not to thank Jim, but to make her dreams come true.
Absently, she reached over and patted Cachit's head. "You're going to make me a very happy woman," she said, smiling.
Cachit only grinned and burped.
Iris turned back to the road, her smile growing even wider. "It took me forever and all the tips I've ever made, but it's FINALLY going to happen. Gene Starwind will be all mine...and NO ONE will keep us apart! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
She was so busy laughing that she missed the turn and drove straight off a cliff. Cachit merely teleported out of the car. Iris merely traveled the rest of the way down, and was still laughing when her car hit a boulder and exploded instantly. She stopped laughing after it killed her, of course.
* * * * *
Gene & Melfina lived happily ever after. Gene was out of debt for the first time in his life. Melfina's happy being a wife & mother...and because she doesn't have to clean up bloodstains anymore. She's still a little upset about the mess the kittens left on the carpet. Jamie got over his fear of Ctarl-Ctarl. He still has problems with the Anten Seven, though...
Jim & Aisha lived happily ever after. They eventually named the new twins Lion & Lynx. Aisha still holds her respected position on Ctarl-Ctarl, and Jim is still happy working at Starwind & Hawking. He mostly only fixes electronics now, though. Nope, no more wild adventures. The kittens keep him busy enough as it is. The kittens eventually stole the Outlaw Star and renamed it "Jungle Cat." Gene's still plenty pissed about it, but Jim gave him the extra money from his deal to pay for it.
Leilong & Suzuka lived happily ever after, too. Leilong eventually went back and killed the rest of the Anten Seven & Hazanko (with some help from his family, Gene, and Aisha). Suzuka killed Hi...er...Mask Man and got revenge for the death of her relatives. Nina still practices with her Daddy's sword, and that thing is HUGE. Oh, and she's also taken on the trade name "Dawn Nina." No one really understands, but you better believe they stay the heck outta her way...
Fred lost half his fortune, but he's still happy. The women are all over him, now that he's single and still quite rich. He might even get married again. Probably not, since he enjoys the attention.
Cachit's happy. He lives with whoever he wants, whenever he wants, and doesn't get yelled at or chased anymore.
People who are probably not happy: McDougall Brothers (lost in space & depressed, not to mention very horny...), Gilliam (violated & now covered in cat hair), Reiko (sucked up), Aisha's nurses (badly bruised), Anten Seven & Lord Hazanko (all dead), Iris (dead, but she did go laughing...), and the minister (who never got paid, and as a result, Gene has to sign official documents as Mr. Break Wind).
The End.
(didn't see that coming, did you?!)
Note: First, I don't wanna hear anything about how humans and Ctarl-Ctarl can't have offspring. I don't wanna hear anything about how humans and bio-androids can't have children. It's my story, and if I say I can get away with, then I can, dangit! Besides, I did promise last time. On with the story...
Summary: I don't really have one. Guess you'll have to read and find out. Anyway, have fun. I know I did.
"How is she?"
The guard looked troubled. "Well, sir...she gave us some difficulty."
"Doesn't she always?"
"Well, yes, but..." He sighed. "Ten nurses were injured."
"That's better than the usual thirty-five, isn't it?"
"I suppose, but I'm not sure if you should go in yet. She's still...uh...screaming."
"Oh, don't worry about that." He stepped around the guard and pushed the door open.
"YOU'RE ALL DEAD IF YOU TOUCH THEM AGAIN!" Aisha screamed.
Jim winked at the guard. "See? She's calm now, compared to the last time."
"If you say so, sir."
Jim closed the door behind him and cleared his throat.
Aisha instantly stopped screaming when she spotted him. "Jimmy!" she purred happily, holding her arms out to him.
Jim walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around her. "How do you feel?"
Aisha buried her face in his jacket and pouted. "Fine, but those evil nurses won't let me see them!"
Jim chuckled and gently stroked her hair. "Aisha, you know they have to be checked out first."
She pulled back and looked at him. "But I could do that!"
"Uh...you're not a doctor."
"They're MINE! I'd know if something was wrong with them!" she cried, her voice heading for another scream.
Jim didn't dare offer a word of protest. "Did it hurt much?"
"I can take pain," she replied confidently.
"Sure. Then why did you take out the nurses again?"
"They were poking me!"
"Aisha, they were only trying to calm you down."
"Poking makes me angry, not calm!"
Jim sighed. "Never mind. Just remember that if you injure all the nurses, there won't be anyone to help the next time you go into labor."
"Next time?" Her eyes narrowed.
"I thought you could take a little pain?"
"I can. But I only want six."
"Aisha, we have seven."
"Which is EXACTLY why I want to stop now."
Before Jim could say anything else, he sensed someone behind him.
"Um...excuse me...Miss Aisha?"
"What?!" Aisha snarled.
The nurse gasped and drew back a bit. "Well...the chil-um, babi-er...THEY'RE ready for you now!"
"HAND THEM OVER RIGHT NOW!" Aisha bellowed.
Jim pushed Aisha back down onto the bed as two more nurses (both looking slightly roughed-up) carried in two tiny bundles. They took one look at Aisha, and both tried to hand their bundles to Jim.
Aisha snarled again. "YOU!" she said, pointing at one of them. "GET OVER HERE!"
The nurse nearly fainted right there, but cautiously walked over to Aisha's side of the bed and surrendered the bundle.
Aisha grabbed for it as if it were a fish and held it close to herself, sending both nurses running out of the room with a hiss.
"That was mean, Aisha," Jim said, carefully handing her the other bundle.
"They're MINE!" she insisted. "Those evil people shouldn't have taken them in the first place!"
"Yours? I think I had something to do with it, too!"
"I did all the hard stuff, and they're MINE!" She glared at him. "Don't get dead, Jimmy!"
Jim only shook his head, then smiled. "Aisha, I think someone's looking at you."
Aisha looked down to see two pairs of little blue eyes staring up at her. "They're beautiful," she whispered.
"I'd just like to point out that your eyes aren't blue."
"Oh, fine! You can have one...for NOW." Aisha reluctantly gave up one bundle, then cuddled the other protectively.
Jim played with his bundle for a few minutes, then frowned. "Uh...Aisha?"
"What?"
"I don't want to alarm you or anything, but...I think mine's broken."
"What are you talking about, Jimmy?"
"It stopped moving. I mean, I can see it breathing and everything, but...it's just sitting there."
"Well, poke it or something!"
"I did. It just looks at me."
"Oh. Then don't poke it; you're probably making it mad."
"It doesn't LOOK mad. It just looks...vacant."
"Here, let's switch." Aisha took the other bundle. "Well, I don't know. Maybe he's shy."
"How do you know it's a he?"
"A mother ALWAYS knows."
Jim shrugged, poked his new bundle, and was rewarded with a tiny giggle. "See? This one works okay."
"Jimmy, they're not computers. They don't work, they LIVE."
"You know what I mean."
Aisha frowned. "Maybe he needs something."
"Wouldn't he be crying if he did?"
"Well, maybe he doesn't know how to do that yet."
Jim grinned. "Then let's hope he doesn't find out, either."
* * * * *
"Hey, Mel! You seen my black shirt?!"
Melfina sighed. "In the closet, Gene!"
"Thanks!" There was a slight pause. "I don't see it!"
"Did you try turning on the closet light?"
There was a grunt, followed by another pause. "Got it!"
Melfina shook her head and turned back to the pot...only to find a small hand reaching into with a spoon. "Jamie, NO! Get away from there!" She snatched the small boy away from the pot.
"Wanna taste!" the child whined, struggling in her arms.
"It's too hot, Jamie," Melfina insisted, trying to get a decent grip on him. "You have to wait."
"No! Don't wanna wait! Wanna taste now!"
"Honey, give Mommy a break. She's really tired, and she has to finish cooking before everyone gets here. Okay?"
"Wanna taste!" Jamie repeated.
Melfina sighed. "Gene!"
"Yeah?!"
"It's story time again!"
"What, now?!"
"Yes!"
Soon, Gene walked into the kitchen, looking somewhat annoyed. "Which story?"
"The one about the Anten Seven."
"Oh, THAT one," Gene said, grinning evilly. "C'mon, champ." He grabbed Jamie and tucked him under one arm. "Did I ever tell you how we BARELY escaped with our lives from those guys?"
"Yeah. You told it last week."
"But did I tell you about the time they captured Mommy?"
Jamie's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Yeah! And they had Uncle Jim tied up in the dungeon!"
"What else?!" Jamie cried.
Gene looked horrified. "They fried all of Gilliam's circuits, and then they made Suzuka use...a REAL sword!!!"
"And then what?!" Jamie asked.
"And then...they took your dear old Dad...and made him do the unthinkable!"
"What?!" Jamie nearly screamed. "WHAT?!"
"THEY MADE ME EAT AISHA'S COOKING!"
"AAAAAAAHHH!!!" they both screamed.
Melfina giggled and shook her head. "You two are terrible."
Gene chuckled and set Jamie down on the couch. "Anyway, you have to be good for the rest of the week, kid. Because you know what happens if you don't?"
"What?" Jamie asked.
Gene grinned evilly. "Well, Aunt Aisha's coming to town, so you can die one of two ways. Either she can make you eat Ctarl-Ctarl Stew..."
"EW!"
"Or...SHE'S GONNA EAT YOU!"
"AAAAAAAHHH!" Jamie leaped off the couch and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Gene leaned back on the couch. "Works every time."
"Don't you think we should at least tell Aisha one of these days?" Melfina asked.
"Nope," Gene replied. "Because it's always a riot to see her try and hug him after he's heard one of my stories. What time are they getting here?"
"Jim called and said they'd be late. Aisha had the twins early."
"Really? That's SEVEN of the little monsters now. I wonder how he can stand it."
"I wonder how WE'RE going to stand it. Remember what they did to the furniture?"
"Yeah. Everything they can reach is a scratching post to them. Heck, they even got ME a couple of times." Gene shuddered. "I can just SEE those beady little eyes right now..."
"Sounds like material for another one of your stories."
Gene grinned. "Oh, yeah. Hey, JAMIE!"
* * * * *
"Aisha, I think you can stop doing sit-ups now."
"Jimmy, I REFUSE to be fat anywhere in the vicinity of Gene Starwind."
The little kitten holding Aisha's feet looked tired just from watching. "Three thousand, Mom."
"Huh? Oh, thanks, Tiger." Aisha went back to work.
Jim sighed and turned back to the console. "Well, we should reach Sentinel III in just over an hour."
"What?! Why didn't you tell me?! Tiger, we're going double-time!"
Jim sighed again. "I shouldn't have said anything..."
* * * * *
"I got it!" Gene shouted as the doorbell rang. He smoothed out his hair and opened the door. "Uh...hello?"
"Down here!"
Gene looked down to see a small girl. "Uh...do I know you?"
"Hiya, Mr. Starwind! Do you know who I am?"
"No..." Gene blinked a few times. "Look, if you're selling cookies, we don't want any." He closed the door and turned away.
"HIIIIIIIII-YA!"
The door was blown off its hinges and slammed into Gene, knocking him to the floor.
Melfina came running into the front hall. "I forgot to tell you that Suzuka was coming, Gene! Is she here already?"
"No, but the shorter version of her is," Gene moaned from the floor.
Melfina looked up to see a small girl with a very large sword standing on top of the door, and Gene. "Oh, she's adorable!"
"Easy to say when you're not under the door," Gene groaned.
The girl leaned down and pulled the door off him. "Sorry 'bout that, Mr. Starwind, but Mommy said you deserved it."
"Just where are your parents, kid?" Gene asked, slowly getting up.
"Right here," Suzuka said as she walked in, followed by...
Gene's eyes bulged. "LEILONG?!"
"What?" Leilong asked, looking puzzled.
"YOU...AND SUZUKA?!"
"What?" Suzuka asked, starting to get annoyed.
Gene looked from Suzuka to Leilong, and then at the girl that had just flattened him. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all."
Melfina turned to the rear of the house. "Jamie, come and see Auntie Suzuka!"
Jamie came running out of his room and hugged Suzuka's leg. "Auntie S! You gotta help me!" he cried, looking desperate.
"What's wrong, Jamie?" Suzuka asked, picking him up.
"AISHA'S GONNA EAT ME!" he screamed.
Suzuka looked at Gene. "This is your work, no doubt."
"How could you tell?" Gene asked.
"Only YOU would traumatize your own child."
"Hey, it's no different from what my father told me about the boogeyman when I was growing up."
"BOOGEYMAN?!" Jamie wailed.
Leilong just looked at them all. "I can see this night is going to be very interesting..." But under his breath, he muttered, "What in the world have I married into...?"
* * * * *
"Be honest, Jimmy. Do I look fat to you?" Aisha asked.
Jim just looked at her. "There's no way for me to answer that safely."
"I'm FAT?!"
"NO, Aisha. But even if I said that, you wouldn't believe me. So why do you even bother to ask me in the first place?"
"You're avoiding the question, Jimmy."
"Yes. Yes, I am."
Aisha sighed. "Well, Melfina will tell me the truth."
"But by then, Gene will have already seen you."
"I know. Which is why I plan to bash his head in while you hold the twins."
Jim smirked. "I'm glad you're holding them now, then."
"You'd better be."
"Just try not to kill him," Jim murmured, knocking on the door.
The door creaked, then fell away in pieces.
Jim looked at Aisha.
"I didn't do it!" she swore. "I'm holding the twins, remember?"
"Sure." Jim looked into the hall. "Uh...Mel? Gene? You guys here?"
Melfina appeared a few seconds later. "Sorry about that, guys. We were busy entertaining Suzkua and her...family."
"Suzuka got married?" Jim asked in disbelief.
"Yes. We were surprised, too." Melfina glanced down at the little army crowded around Aisha's legs. "They're getting so big, Aisha!"
"Hi, Auntie Mel!" five voices greeted her.
"Can we eat yet?" Tiger asked.
Melfina smiled. "Sure, come on in! Dinner's just about ready."
Five brown blurs instantly flew past her.
Aisha sighed. "Mel, you've got to stop being so nice to my kittens. They'll take advantage of you every time."
"AH! GET 'EM OFF ME!" Gene screamed from inside the house.
"Looks like they found their favorite chew toy," Jim chuckled. "I guess we'd better do something."
"I agree." Aisha grinned wickedly. "Got a camera handy, Mel?"
* * * * *
"You scared?" Jamie whispered, hugging the pillow tightly.
Nina shook her head. "Nope. They're just baby cats."
Aisha's kittens were all over the place. Two were clawing Gene, two were ripping up the couch, and a very brave one was even trying to tear up Leliong's boot.
"But they could EAT us!" Jamie cried, looking nervous.
"Ctarl-Ctarl don't eat people," Nina replied. "At least, I've never seen them do it. Besides, I have a big sword. They wouldn't mess with me."
"But what about ME?!"
"Just stay with me and they'll leave you alone," she promised.
"But what about when you leave? What THEN?"
Nina shrugged. "Guess you're on your own."
Jamie looked worried. "Can I borrow your sword?"
"Nope. Sorry."
"How about a gun?"
"Don't have one."
"A club?"
"No."
"...a rock?"
Nina grinned. "I don't think that would help much."
"But I need something!"
"Did you try a ball of string?"
* * * * *
Tiger yawned, showing several of his sharp teeth. He was bored. The big man's boot wasn't tearing like it should have. It was probably made of some special material just to keep kittens like himself from having fun.
"Pssst! Tiger!"
He glanced up to see Wildcat waving him over. he thought to himself. Still, he scrambled over to her.
"Puma says there's some more chili in the kitchen!" she said. "Him and Panther started without us! C'mon!"
The two kittens raced into the kitchen, where their younger brothers were already digging pawfuls of chili out of the large pot. Tiger and Wildcat pushed through, grabbing some for themselves. It wasn't long before Cheetah joined them, completing the group.
"Auntie Mel makes everything taste good!" Puma declared as he scraped the bottom of the pot.
"No kidding," Panther said. "But she NEVER makes enough!"
"And she always leaves stuff where we can get it," Cheetah added with his mouth full. "She's really nice, huh?"
"Or really stupid," Tiger and Wildcat replied together, grinning at each other.
"As long as she's got dessert stashed somewhere, who cares?" Puma asked.
The others nodded in agreement and began searching the kitchen for their next course.
* * * * *
"AAAAHHH! AISHA, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!" Gene screamed.
"Feeding my kittens," Aisha replied.
"NO! PUT THAT THING BACK AND LOCK IT UP FOREVER!"
Aisha rolled her eyes. "Jimmy, please explain to Gene that breastfeeding is perfectly natural...even for humans."
"That is true, Gene," Melfina pointed out. "It's what I did with Jamie."
"That's different," Gene muttered. "You're MINE. I can look at you."
"So if you can't look at Aisha since she's mine, why ARE you looking?" Jim asked.
"Maybe he has a suppressed desire for a certain Ctarl-Ctarl," Suzuka suggested.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that!" Gene and Aisha snapped at once.
"Now they're getting psychic on us," Leilong added. "It's got to be fate."
"SHUT UP!" Gene and Aisha shouted.
"It's not MY fault you're secretly attracted to each other," he muttered.
Gene started to get up, but Melfina pulled him back down.
"At least MY kid doesn't have destructive tendencies!" Gene shouted.
"That's because your kid is a wimp," Leilong pointed out. "His only tendencies are to whine, scream, and cry."
"Hey, wait a minute," Melfina interrupted, looking upset.
"He has a point," Suzuka said. "Jamie could use some lessons in self-defense."
"Too bad he isn't a Ctarl-Ctarl," Aisha said. "Then it would come naturally."
"So would shedding and a bad attitude," Gene muttered under his breath.
"HEY!" Jim shouted. "I heard that!"
"Good. And I'm sure Aisha did with those ears of hers, too."
"At least MY ears are good for something!" Aisha" screamed. "Yours don't even let AIR get to your poor excuse for a brain!"
"That's IT!" Gene jumped off the couch. "I want all of you and your little monsters OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"I'll fight you for the right to stay," Leilong said.
"OUT!"
"Chicken?"
"WHAT?!"
"You heard me."
Gene turned red. "Fine! But when I win, you're paying for my door, and Jim's paying for my couch, by back, and anything ELSE those animals tore up!"
Aisha frowned. "Jim, hold the twins. I'm going to fight, too."
"What?" Jim asked. "Aisha, you can't!"
"I can and will. That's the last time he talks about MY kittens that way."
"Hey, Dad!" Jamie said as he came running in. "Look what we found in the basement!"
"Not now, champ," Gene said. "Daddy's about to fight to the death...again."
"But lookit! It's a dragon!"
Gene's head snapped up. "Oh no. NO!"
"Weeeeeeee!" Nina giggled as she rode a very familiar blue-backed browbeater into the room.
"YOU!" Gene shouted. "All those monsters are YOUR fault, Cachit!"
"Gene, Aisha and I liked each other before we met Cachit," Jim said. "Why can't you accept that?"
"Okay, MAYBE. But what about Suzuka and...and...LEILONG?!"
"Actually, Cachit vanished before I met Leilong," Suzuka replied.
"And I've never seen him before," Leilong added.
"So everyone got together without Cachit?" Melfina asked. "That's...odd."
"But it does mean Gene can't blame him anymore," Jim said.
"Well, I'm still fighting Aisha and Leilong to the death," Gene stated.
"No, you aren't," Melfina said. "They're our friends, and I'm sick of cleaning up after your fights. Do you know how hard it is to get bloodstains out of the carpet?"
"Just wait until those ani...uh...kittens have had too much drink. Then you'll be trying to get something worse than blood out of the carpet..."
* * * * *
"Okay. So you guys don't eat humans?" Jamie asked slowly.
"Nope," Tiger replied. "They taste funny."
Jamie's face lost some of its color, but he nodded.
"Besides, you're half android," Wildcat pointed out. "You might taste like metal or something."
"I do not!"
"Have YOU ever tasted yourself?" Puma asked.
"Well...no."
"Then you don't know."
"Well...at least I don't taste like fur!"
Tiger snorted. "Don't be stupid. No one's ever eaten a Ctarl-Ctarl. You don't know what we taste like, and you never will."
"I bet you taste like Ctarl-Ctarl Stew," Nina replied. "Maybe that's how it got the name."
"You're lying," Cheetah said, though he looked nervous.
"Well, you SAY nobody's eaten a Ctarl-Ctarl, but have you ever seen a dead one?"
"No," Panther muttered.
"Then what do you think they do with the bodies?"
The kittens all looked at each other, then ran out of the room. "MOOOOOOOM!"
* * * * *
Fred was quite surprised when Aisha came to visit him. Even more surprising was what she brought with her: a check for...well...everything Gene owed him. Actually, it had been several checks, but they all added up to that. She swore that they were good, too. He hadn't believed her...until she pulled up Starwind & Hawking's account. Sure enough, all the money was there. Legally, for that matter.
He hadn't told her about his new wife. But then, she hadn't asked.
* * * * *
Jim was quite surprised to learn that someone wanted Cachit. Even more surprising was the amount that someone was willing to pay. With a little tweaking, it came out to everything that Gene owed Fred, and then some. He'd quickly made the trade, and the money was transferred to their company's account.
Jim wanted to tell Gene about it, but the customer had sworn him to secrecy.
* * * * *
Fred's new wife could hardly believe her luck. At first, she'd only married Fred for his money. After she heard he'd officially gone straight again, she'd jumped at the chance. She had no real love for him; it was all about the money.
But then she'd found out that Jim Hawking was in town, and that he was trying to sell something she had great need of. She'd been skeptical, at first. But when she tested it out on Fred, he'd signed the divorce papers with no fuss. He'd even given her half of his fortune, which was more than enough to keep her in luxury for the rest of her life.
And now, she was driving over to Starwind & Hawking Enterprises. No, not to thank Jim, but to make her dreams come true.
Absently, she reached over and patted Cachit's head. "You're going to make me a very happy woman," she said, smiling.
Cachit only grinned and burped.
Iris turned back to the road, her smile growing even wider. "It took me forever and all the tips I've ever made, but it's FINALLY going to happen. Gene Starwind will be all mine...and NO ONE will keep us apart! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
She was so busy laughing that she missed the turn and drove straight off a cliff. Cachit merely teleported out of the car. Iris merely traveled the rest of the way down, and was still laughing when her car hit a boulder and exploded instantly. She stopped laughing after it killed her, of course.
* * * * *
Gene & Melfina lived happily ever after. Gene was out of debt for the first time in his life. Melfina's happy being a wife & mother...and because she doesn't have to clean up bloodstains anymore. She's still a little upset about the mess the kittens left on the carpet. Jamie got over his fear of Ctarl-Ctarl. He still has problems with the Anten Seven, though...
Jim & Aisha lived happily ever after. They eventually named the new twins Lion & Lynx. Aisha still holds her respected position on Ctarl-Ctarl, and Jim is still happy working at Starwind & Hawking. He mostly only fixes electronics now, though. Nope, no more wild adventures. The kittens keep him busy enough as it is. The kittens eventually stole the Outlaw Star and renamed it "Jungle Cat." Gene's still plenty pissed about it, but Jim gave him the extra money from his deal to pay for it.
Leilong & Suzuka lived happily ever after, too. Leilong eventually went back and killed the rest of the Anten Seven & Hazanko (with some help from his family, Gene, and Aisha). Suzuka killed Hi...er...Mask Man and got revenge for the death of her relatives. Nina still practices with her Daddy's sword, and that thing is HUGE. Oh, and she's also taken on the trade name "Dawn Nina." No one really understands, but you better believe they stay the heck outta her way...
Fred lost half his fortune, but he's still happy. The women are all over him, now that he's single and still quite rich. He might even get married again. Probably not, since he enjoys the attention.
Cachit's happy. He lives with whoever he wants, whenever he wants, and doesn't get yelled at or chased anymore.
People who are probably not happy: McDougall Brothers (lost in space & depressed, not to mention very horny...), Gilliam (violated & now covered in cat hair), Reiko (sucked up), Aisha's nurses (badly bruised), Anten Seven & Lord Hazanko (all dead), Iris (dead, but she did go laughing...), and the minister (who never got paid, and as a result, Gene has to sign official documents as Mr. Break Wind).
The End.
(didn't see that coming, did you?!)