Outlaw Star Fan Fiction ❯ The Cupid Chronicles ❯ Wrath of a Drunk Cupid ( Chapter 4 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

The Cupid Chronicles 4: Wrath of a Drunk Cupid

Note: For some reason, I can't seem to recall/locate the individual names for the members of the Anten Seven, except for Lady Iraga and Leilong (of course they're the ones I don't need!). In other words, this is just gonna get WEIRD. Be prepared for a plot twist! (And don't ask me why the minister turns ghetto, either. I just thought it MIGHT be funny...)

Summary: If you thought Cachit's matchmaking was bad before, wait until you see him hopped up on Aisha's infamous Ctarl-Ctarl Stew! Also, wedding bells are ringing for Fred & Suzuka, but somebody's got a major objection!


Gene woke up with a frown on his face. He couldn't figure out why at first, but then he remembered. This was the day that Fred and Suzuka were getting married. But then, that only made him laugh. So what was causing the frown?

"BREAKFAST IS READY!" a voice bellowed.

Gene's eyes widened, and he instantly knew why he was frowning. That was Aisha's voice, and it sounded suspiciously close to the kitchen. That could only mean...

"Oh, no," he muttered. "Ctarl-Ctarl Stew! I feel sick already..."

* * * * *

Jim poked at what appeared to be a fish head. At least, he hoped it was a fish head. Because if the head belonged to anything else, he was going to scream.

"C'mon, Jimmy! Take a big bite!" Aisha said.

"Are you SURE I won't get sick from eating this? I don't know if my stomach's tough enough."

"Well, Cachit's eating it!"

Jim looked over at Cachit, who was devouring his third helping, and frowned. "Aisha, he's got FIRE in his belly. Everything he eats just turns to ash anyway!"

Aisha narrowed her eyes. "Jimmy, you should know that a delicate flower like myself does not like being unappreciated. And do you know what happens when I'm unappreciated?"

"No?" Jim whispered, suddenly becoming very afraid.

"People get dead." Aisha smiled brightly. "Now, are you going to eat, or are you going to get dead?"

Jim stared at the bowl. "Well, I guess this is a nicer way to die," he thought, picking up a spoon.

Gene walked into the kitchen just as Jim was about to taste the stew. His eyes widened in horror. "Jim! NOOOOO!!!" In a dramatic diving leap (with slow motion to make it even funnier!), Gene flew across the table, knocked the spoon from Jim's hand, and crashed to the floor.

"HEY! YOU'RE WASTING VALUBLE STEW!" Aisha roared.

Gene suddenly went into convulsions and gagged. "Oh, no! NOOOOO!!!"

"Gene, what is it?" Jim asked, looking concerned.

Gene turned over, revealing the spoon between his lips. "I SWALLOWED SOME! AAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Aisha growled and started to advance him. "I'll rip you to shreds!"

"Wait, Aisha!" Jim grabbed another spoon. "Look, I'm tasting, see?!" He hesitantly spooned up the fish head, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth.

"Jim, NO!" Gene screamed. "NOOOOO!!!"

Suzuka and Melfina walked in just as the fish head vanished into Jim's mouth. Suzuka turned a spectacular shade of green and turned away, while Melfina simply fainted.

Jim swallowed noisily and burped. "Oh, man. I don't feel so good..."

"JIMMY!" Aisha squealed, a huge smile on her face. She ran over and hugged him tightly. "You really did it!"

"No!" he moaned. "Don't squeeze! Please, don't squeeze!"

"TAKE COVER!" Gene shouted, pulling a pot over his head.

Aisha blinked. "What are you yelling about now, Gene?" She turned, only to see that Jim's face was now purple. "Jim, what are you-"

"REEEEEEEAAAARRRRRGGGGH!!!"

"SWEET HEAVENS, NO!" Gilliam cried.

"AAAAAAHHH!!! MY UNIFORM!" Aisha screamed.

"OH, THE HUMANITY!" Gene wailed.

Jim stumbled backwards, still clutching his mouth. He groaned and fell to the kitchen floor.

* * * * *

Fred was just placing a newly framed picture of Suzuka on his desk when a shadow fell over him.

"I take it Starwind & Hawking accepted the offer?"

Fred swallowed nervously. "Yes, sir."

"Good. And how are they progressing?"

"They called in and set up a meeting...today, actually."

"Excellent." The shadowy figure paused upon noticing the picture on Fred's desk. "How did THAT get here?"

Fred grinned weakly. "I really don't remember, sir..."

The figure grabbed the picture. "You haven't the time for such foolishness!" A sword gleamed in the darkness, then cut Fred's desk in half. "You needn't concern yourself with Twilight Suzuka. I will deal with her...personally. Is that clear?"

"Crystal, sir," Fred whispered as the shadowy figure began to fade away.

"Good. I'll be watching you."

Fred sighed heavily and hid his face in his hands. "No...I can't do this. I can't betray Gene and Jim...or her." He reached for the picture, only to realize that it was gone. "That's strange. Why would he take it with him...?"

* * * * *

Aisha was in a foul mood. Suzuka had just agreed to let her be the maid of honor. And then all her dreams of being the most beautiful and delicate flower at the wedding had been dashed by Gene.

"You're not going ANYWHERE!" Gene had said. "You made Jim sick as a dog with your stew, so you're gonna stay here and look after him!"

Melfina had tried to help. "Don't worry, Aisha! I'll be sure to get the whole wedding on tape for you!"

Even Gilliam had been somewhat helpful, coming up with remedies to try on Jim. And, as he kept pointing out every few minutes, "Well, I didn't go the wedding, either. At least YOU got invited..."

Aisha didn't know what upset her more: that she was missing Suzu's wedding, Gilliam's constant ranting about the poor treatment of advanced computers (something he hadn't dropped since what had been dubbed the "Harry Incident"), or the fact that Jim didn't seem to be improving at all.

For some reason, Aisha felt very bad about making Jim sick. He'd only eaten the stew to please her (and to keep Gene from being skinned alive), and that made her feel even more guilty. But that wasn't the worst part. She realized that Jim was probably the best friend, human or otherwise, that she'd ever had. He was certainly the one she got along best with these days.

"I don't get it, Cachit," she muttered sadly. "YOU ate my stew, and you're not sick."

Cachit burped loudly and passed out beside her.

"Oh, great. Not you, too!" Aisha shook him gently. "C'mon, Cachit! Wake up!" She was still shaking him when Jim shuffled past her, looking even worse than before. "JIM?! What are you doing out of bed?!"

He glanced back at her. "Water," he muttered hoarsely.

Aisha jumped in front of him. "NO! I'll get the water. YOU go back to bed!"

Jim frowned. "But it's all the way back there..." he argued weakly.

"Fine. Just sit on the couch and try to wake up Cachit. You know you shouldn't be moving around like this!"

Jim sighed and plopped down onto the couch, poking Cachit a few times. "Maybe he got lucky and died." The thought of touching a dead dragon did little to make him feel better.

Aisha soon came back with a huge glass of water. "I'm sorry for making you sick, Jimmy."

Jim shook his head as he took the glass. "I know you didn't mean to."

"But you're still sick," she pointed out, her ears drooping.

"I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have taking care of me."

"...Really?" Aisha asked.

Jim snorted. "Come on, Aisha. Look who I have to choose from. Gene can't take care of himself when he's healthy, Suzuka's so in love with Fred that she'd just pour tea down my throat, and Melfina wouldn't know what to do since she's never gotten sick."

"But I don't know what to do, either!" Aisha said.

Jim shrugged. "Like you said, people get dead."

"Don't talk like that!" Aisha grabbed him by the shoulders. "You're too important, Jimmy!"

"To Gene? Yeah, I'm glad someone noticed. He'd be dead if it weren't for me."

Aisha frowned slightly. "Actually, I meant you're too important...to me."

Jim blinked and looked up. "Huh? What do you mean?"

She sighed and sat down next to him. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Jimmy. I don't want anything to happen to you...and I don't wanna be the one that kills you, either."

"Aisha, that was a joke."

"I know, but I must have made you really sick! I mean, no one in their right mind would dare to vomit on a Ctarl-Ctarl, and especially not ME!"

"You think I did that on purpose?" Jim asked. "I TOLD you not to squeeze! Don't you remember how freakishly strong you are compared to humans?!"

"I couldn't help it! I was so touched that you actually ate volatile chemicals..."

"WHAT?!"

"...just for me!"

Before Jim could get really angry, Aisha suddenly hugged him. He blinked several times. "Um...what's this for?"

"Shut up and hug back before you get dead."

Jim quickly obeyed. "Now why couldn't you hug like this the first time?"

"I told you, I got excited. You know how I get when I'm like that."

"Idiotic and irrational?"

Aisha's eyes narrowed, and she pulled back. "Did you just call me stupid?!"

"No, I said you were idiotic and-"

Aisha waved a claw under his nose.

"Don't get dead?" he guessed.

"Uh huh," she replied, nodding. "You're lucky I like you, you little booger."

Jim smiled a bit. "So I guess I'm only as cute as a sick Ctarl-Ctarl now, huh?"

"Not really. Your face is still kinda purple..."

* * * * *

"Suzuka, why do I have to give you away? Isn't your father supposed to do it?" Gene whispered as they started down the aisle.

Suzuka narrowed her eyes. Leave it to Gene Starwind to strike up a conversation during the wedding march. "He can't. He's dead."

"Well, what about a brother?"

"They're dead, too."

"What about-"

"They're ALL dead!" Suzuka hissed. "My entire family was murdered, and I'd rather not think about it right now!"

"Right. Sorry."

She sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd just let you see me naked and killed you that first night."

"Yeah, but you were too busy covering yourself up," he replied with a grin. "At least I would've died with a smile on my face."

Suzuka blushed. "Gene, please! I'm trying to get married here."

"To a gay billionaire."

"FORMERLY gay billionaire," she hissed.

"That's what YOU say. I don't think you can get rid of tendencies like that."

"Tendencies?!" Suzuka whispered fiercely. "Gene, if you-"

"Shhh! Can't you see we're in the middle of a wedding?!"

Suzuka's face turned red, and she had a hard time resisting the urge to kill him right there in the aisle.

* * * * *

Fred smiled as Suzuka came closer. She looked so beautiful when she was angry, and no one made her angrier than Gene. He knew it had been a good decision to let Gene give her away. It was too bad Jim couldn't make it, though. Fred imagined he'd look cute in a tux.

Finally, Gene gave Suzuka away, and Fred took her hands in his own.

The minister started babbling about something, and soon reached that tension-filled line. "If any man has a reason why these two should not be joined, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace."

Suzuka automatically looked at Gene, who was starting to open his mouth. He caught her looking and quickly shut it.

"I object," said a voice from the rear.

Fred's head snapped up, and his eyes widened in horror. "Oh, no. Not him! Not now!"

The masked man quickly walked up the aisle. "I told you to leave Suzuka to me, Fred, and I meant it. Step away from her. NOW."

"Hey, it's that guy from the Anten Seven!" Gene said. "What was his name again?"

The man ripped off his mask, revealing a face that looked like Suzuka's, only masculine. "My name is Hi-"

"Mask Man!" Gene said, snapping his fingers. "That's what it was!"

The man's face turned red. "FOOL! You dare to insult one of the Anten Seven?!"

"Actually, it's more like Anten Four now," Gene corrected him. "See, I killed Leilong, Aisha beat up Lady Iraga pretty bad, and then I took out the freaky pink chick with one of those soul-sucking bullets..."

"SHUT UP!" the man shouted. "You will all die NOW!" He paused and grinned at Suzuka. "Except you, my dear. You will be my bride."

"In your dreams and my nightmares!" Suzuka spat.

"No, this is quite real. Watch and learn." He pulled a tiny whistle out of his pocket and blew. No sound was heard.

"Must be a dog whistle," Gene said.

"No, fool!" The man cackled wildly. "It's the mating call of the blue-backed browbeater!"

"The WHAT?!" Gene asked.

Cachit suddenly appeared and landed on the man's shoulder, looking quite sick.

"That," the man replied. "Cachit, I order you to make Suzuka fall madly in love with me!"

Cachit burped and flew at Suzuka, exploding in her face. She was knocked back into Fred, who crashed into the minister.

"HA! It is done! Twilight Suzuka's heart finally belongs to me!"

"This is all very coincidental," Gene muttered. "You suspecting that Cachit would be in the area, and knowing about his powers."

"FOOL! Did you really think that?! I'm the one who found out where the creature lived, I'm the one that forced Fred to offer you the job, and I'm the one that'll be making Suzuka walk funny for the rest of her life! HA HA HA!"

Gene frowned. "You mean...we're not getting PAID?!"

"Oh, you'll get paid," he promised. "IN FULL!" The man whipped out his sword. "Now, I will strike you down and avenge my comrades! Prepare to meet your doom, Gene Starwind!"

"No, you can meet it first! I insist!" Gene whipped out his gun and loaded some Castor shells into it.

Suzuka finally got to her feet and blushed. "He's so daring!" she giggled.

"Yes! The magic is already working!" the man cackled. "And now, Starwind...you die!" He raised a hand and began to chant. "Paguwa Sanfa, Paguwa Sanfa, Paguwa Sanfa, PAGUWA SANFAAAAA!!!" He screamed and charged, lashing out with his sword.

Gene charged as well, firing once and cursing as the shot bounced off an invisible shield and took out the wall. He tried to avoid the sword, but it caught him in the ribs. His side seemed like it was on fire as he fell.

Suzuka giggled again. "So brave!"

The man turned and raised his sword. "Goodbye...Outlaw."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Fred suddenly leaped and tackled the man around the waist. "Stop! You can't hurt Gene! I won't let you!"

Gene quickly loaded a special Castor (a soul-sucker, as he liked to call it) and started to fire, then thought better of it. He tossed the gun to the minister. "SHOOT HIM!"

The minister caught the gun and frowned. "But I can't! I'm a man of the cloth, and we do not-"

"He's trying to get married for FREE!" Gene shouted, pointing at the man.

"WHAT?!" the minister bellowed. "But Luo's loaded! I was promised SIX figures!" He turned the gun on the man and fired.

BLAM!

Fred dove aside, and the Castor slammed into the man's chest. He screamed and was instantly sucked up. The backlash whipped out and struck the minister, who fainted from the shock.

"YES!" Gene shouted, pumping his fist. "Four down, Anten Three to go!"

Suzuka giggled and ran up to him. "Oh, Gene! That was so cool!" She threw her arms around his neck.

Gene blinked. "Um...aren't you supposed to be in love with Mask Man?"

Cachit burped loudly.

"That explains it. I bet HE had Aisha's stew, too."

"HEY! GENE'S MINE!" Fred jumped up and threw his arms around Gene as well.

"Dammit, Fred! I told you never in public! I have an image to keep up!"

"So...is ANYONE getting married today?" the minister asked.

"Nope," Gene replied.

"WHAT?!" he shrieked, grabbing the gun again. "Either somebody's getting married, or I'm gonna have to bust a cap in somebody's soul! I'm not leaving until some fool gets hitched and I get PAID, DAMMIT!"

"Wanna tie the knot, Gene?" Fred asked with a smirk.

"No! He's marrying me!" Suzuka whined.

Gene thought for a moment. "No way! I know who I wanna marry." He shoved Fred and Suzuka away, then turned to the maid of honor. "How 'bout it, Mel?"

"ME?!" Melfina squeaked. "B-But..."

Gene pressed a finger to her lips. "Just say yes and I'll take you out for all the ice cream you can eat later," he muttered.

Her face lit up. "Okay!"

"Great!" Gene grabbed her and dragged her over to the minister.

Fred crossed his arms over his chest and sulked. "I can't believe I turned straight for nothing!"

"Fred!" a voice called.

He froze and slowly turned around. "Oh, no. NO!"

Reiko came running up the aisle. "Oh, Fred! I'll marry you!"

"No! NOOOOO!" Fred looked around desperately, then pointed at Reiko. "She's trying to get married for free!"

"WHAT?!" the minister screamed. "Not in *THIS* CHU'CH!" (that's ebonic for "church"...I think) He turned the gun sideways in true ghetto fashion and fired.

BLAM!

Reiko screamed as she was sucked up, and the minister got hit with backlash. Only this time, he seemed to like it. "AW, YEAH! WHO ELSE WANT SOME?!"

Gene blinked. "Uh...can I get married?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, fa shoa, fool." (That's supposed to mean " for sure"...) The minister cleared his throat and looked at Melfina. "You like him?"

Melfina blinked and blushed. "Yes..."

He looked at Gene. "You like her?"

Gene grinned. "Sure, if it keeps me from marrying those two."

"Then it's ALL good! Oh, you can tongue her now."

Melfina's eyes widened. "What?!"

"You heard me, woman! Swap some spit!"

Before Melfina could protest, Gene tilted her head upward and...well, you know.

The minister smiled. "Women and G's, I present to you Mr. & Mrs....uh...what's yo name, anyway, fool?"

Gene glared at him. "Gene Starwind."

"Right, right! MR. AND MRS. GENE BREAK WIND!"

"WHAT?! I SAID STARWIND!"

The minister crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, until I get paid, you look like crap to me, so it's BREAK WIND, sucka!"

Gene frowned and started to speak, but Melfina grabbed his arm. "You promised me ice cream!"

Gene sighed. "Yeah, yeah. I just wish we'd gotten paid so I could KEEP that promise..."

"Well, if it wasn't for your gun, I'd be getting married to Reiko," Fred said. "I guess I can pay you seventy thousand wong for that. However, since I won't be marrying Suzuka, you owe me ninety trillion more for emotional damages and the wasted wedding."

"WHAT?! WHY?!"

Fred shrugged. "Well, since it WAS against my will and all, technically, she raped me."

Gene sputtered. "But you LIKED it!"

"So? I'm not marrying her if she's in love with you."

Gene growled in frustration, then turned and pointed an accusing finger at Cachit. "This is all YOUR fault!"

"Gene!" Melfina cuddled Cachit in her arms. "He's just a baby!"

"He's a dirty little dragon, that's what he is! Why do they call him a browbeater, anyway?"

Cachit flew up and headbutted Gene right between his eyebrows.

Gene stumbled back. "Oh, yeah..."

Melfina took his arm. "Can we get some ice cream now?"

Gene looked at her dazedly. "Mice scream? Sure, Melbrina. All the mice scream you can meet..."

* * * * *

Jim sighed and looked at the clock. "Well, it's almost midnight. You think they'll be back soon?"

Aisha yawned. "I guess. You hungry?"

"Not really. What about you?"

Aisha thought for a moment. "Well, I guess I could go for something sweet."

"I'll get it!" Jim jumped up and ran into the kitchen.

"You know, your face isn't purple anymore!" she called.

"I feel better, too. I guess I just needed some rest!"

"Yeah, guess so." Aisha yawned again. "You ever find Cachit?"

"Nope." Jim returned with a bowl. "Maybe he went to the wedding after all. Here, try this. It's not Ctarl-Ctarl Stew, but cats on Sentinel III seem to like it."

Aisha accepted the bowl and took a sip. "Mmm! What is this? It's great!"

Jim shrugged. "Just milk, sugar, vanilla, and some other stuff."

Aisha gulped down the rest of the bowl. "Yum! I didn't know you could cook, Jimmy."

"Well, I can't. That's just mixing stuff in a bowl and heating it up."

"But it tastes good, and that's what counts." She leaned over licked his cheek without thinking.

Jim blinked. "Um...what was THAT for?"

Aisha blinked. "W-What?" she stammered.

"You licked me! That's like a kiss for a cat!"

Aisha blushed and shook her head. "I didn't!"

"You did! How else did my cheek get wet?"

"It...must have been this stuff! Yeah! You put something in here to get me drunk!"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Aisha, nobody gets drunk on milk and sugar. Just admit that you kissed me."

"But I didn't!"

"Admit it or I'll never make it for you again."

Aisha's eyes widened in horror, and she lowered her head. "Okay, maybe I did..."

"Why?" he asked.

"I told you before, Jimmy. I like you."

"Yeah, but you didn't lick me then."

Aisha blushed again. "I don't know. It just...felt right."

"Well, it was kinda nice when you hugged me before," Jim admitted slowly.

"And I liked it when you played with my hair the other night."

"And I like you, too."

Aisha started. "You...you do?!"

"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"

Aisha smiled. "No..." She blushed again. "Jimmy...what's kissing like?"

Jim grinned. "It's nice."

"Do you think...maybe sometime...we could try it?"

"I don't see why not."

"Well...what about...right now?"

Jim shook his head. "Well, Gilliam might be watching, and...why are you...looking at me like that?"

Aisha's lips drew back from her teeth in a feral smile. "Time to get dead, Jimmy."

"Wait! Stop!"

Aisha growled and pounced on him, pinning him to the couch with her weight. "Kiss me or get dead!" she declared.

"Okay, okay! Just put the claws away first!"

"Sorry." Aisha smiled at him playfully. "So...how do we do it?"

Jim blushed at the expression. "Well...first you have to close your eyes."

Aisha looked suspicious. "Why?"

He shrugged. "It's rude to look, I guess."

"It's my first time. I can be rude."

Jim blushed again. "Oh. In that case, just lean forward and...um...try not to bite my lip in half."

Aisha grinned and leaned forward.

Just then, Gene walked in, a very cheerful Melfina at his side. Suzuka followed, looking understandably less happy. Cachit brought up the rear, looking fairly pleased to see Jim and Aisha together.

Gene froze as he spotted Jim and Aisha kissing. "GOOD LORD! CACHIT GOT YOU GUYS, TOO?!"

Aisha jumped at the sound of his voice.

"AH! MY LIP!" Jim shouted.

"Sorry, sorry! He scared me!"

While Jim ran to the bathroom, Gene stared accusingly at Aisha. "Haven't you done enough to the boy?! I told you to watch him, not eat him!"

Aisha glared at him, then sighed dreamily. "I wish I could..."

Gene got a horrified look on his face. "You...ANIMAL!"

"WHAT?! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT AGAIN!"

Melfina grabbed Gene's arm. "I don't think she meant it literally, Gene."

"Huh? Oh, right." Gene glared at Aisha again. "But it's still wrong!"

"It is NOT! I LOVE JIMMY!" Aisha froze and blinked several times.

Jim came running out of the bathroom. "What did you just say?"

Aisha looked at him. "I...I said...that I love you."

Jim dropped the tissue he was using to wipe away the blood. "Aisha..."

Gene glared at Cachit, while Melfina smiled. Suzuka just pouted, since Gene wasn't interested in her.

Jim stared at Aisha for a long moment. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I didn't know for sure until tonight," she replied.

"This is definitely Cachit's work," Gene muttered.

"I think it's sweet," Melfina said.

Jim slowly took Aisha's paw. "So...what do we do now?"

"I don't know," she whispered.

"You can stop trying to make me hurl," Gene said. "There's already been one too many of those messes today."

Jim glared at him. "C'mon, Aisha. Let's go talk about this...in *your* room."

"JIM! NOOOOOO!" Gene cried as they went upstairs.

"Will you come to my room, Gene?" Melfina asked shyly.

"I don't think so, Mel. I'm not sure I won't still throw up."

Melfina whispered something in his ear, and Gene's eyes widened. "Feeling better already!" He grabbed her arm and took off towards her room.

Suzuka sighed and flopped down on the couch. "This isn't fair! Gene was supposed to be mine!" she whined. Then she blinked and shook her head. "Wait. What am I saying?!"

Cachit curled up next to her on the couch and promptly began to snore.

Suzuka sighed again. "Well, at least I was in love for a few days..."

Concluded in Part 5: Kittens, Babies, and Androids! (So what if it IS a rip-off of "Cats, Girls, and Spaceships"? What are YOU gonna do about it?!)

A look into the future, where we'll find:
Kittens, kittens, and more kittens! (guess who they belong to!)
Suzuka's got a man! (guess who it is!)
Gene's got a son! (guess who his mother is!)
Fred finally gets PAID! (guess who pays him!)
Last but not least, a VERY happy ending! (guess who wrote it!)