Pirates Of The Caribbean Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wit's End ❯ Enter the Salted Wenches ( Chapter 23 )

Chapter Twenty-Three: Enter the Salted Wenches

 

[The scene cuts to a dock in Tortuga. Knuckles is walking down the dock with a wench in hand. Cleavage-bearing wenches! Probably salted too. Or about to be {Author's Note: Giggity!}.]

 

Knuckles: …and yes, it does list a bit to port, and has been known to frighten younger girls, but they usually end up enjoying the ride as well. Just because you haven't started High School yet, doesn't mean you can't enjoy some thrills.

 

[The wenches giggle.]

 

Knuckles: But I promise you, you ladies will not be disappointed.

 

[Knuckles and the wenches reach the end of the dock.]

 

Wench #1: Uh...Is that it?

 

[Knuckles looks up to the end of the dock where a small dinghy is moored.]

 

Wench #2: It's not very big…

 

Knuckles: Ha! It's a matter of perspective. If you look down at it, of course it's gonna look shorter than it really is. My ship is magnificent…and large…and immense…and thick…and so very throbby. And gone. Well, that just takes all the fun out of these penis gags.

 

Wench #1: Is that it out there?

 

[Knuckles looks to the horizon where the Black Pearl can be seen at sailing away.]

 

Knuckles: Why yes, that is it. Why's it all the way over there? Believe me ladies, it usually doesn't leave port until everyone is satisfied…it never fires a cannonade before the target is ready for it.

 

Wench #2: But…you promised to ride me!

 

Knuckles: That I did…

 

Wench #1: Hey, I'm supposed to get the first ride!

 

Wench #2: You? You're just a common slut!

 

[The two wenches start fighting and Knuckles wanders off a few feet to find Boris sleeping on the dock. Knuckles pours some wine on Boris, who wakes up spluttering.]

 

Knuckles: Comrade Boris, any particular reason why my ship is gone when I'm in the middle of a string of highly successful schlong related jokes? I was about to hit them with the “Now you know why they call it the Black Pearl…”, and I get here, and well…the ship is gone. Again.

 

Boris: The ship? We're on the ship.

 

[Boris collapses back onto the dock. Knuckles looks at him. Boris quickly leaps to his feet.]

 

Boris: Comrade Captain! The ship is gone! Again! For like the eighth time!

 

Knuckles: No shit, Sherlock. No fuckin' shit.

 

[Knuckles walks over to the two wenches who are descending into all-out catfight mode.]

 

Knuckles: Loathe as I am to interrupt what could be greatly improved with some mud and bikinis…WENCHES, SHUT UP!

 

[The wenches turn to Knuckles.]

 

Knuckles: Listen, Wench #1…

 

Wench #1: I do have a name…

 

Knuckles: I don't care.

 

Wench #1: Oh.

 

Knuckles: Wench #1, I have never been to Brussels, I think that color of hair dye is an affront to God Himself, and before you ask, no, I am not, actually, truthfully, Iron Man, I only said that so that I could get you out of those ridiculous petticoats.

 

[Wench #1 sputters with indignant rage.]

 

Knuckles: And Wench #2, it isn't that dress that makes you look fat, you just are, your ass is enormous and no outfit is going to hide that beast, and honestly, I really don't care about your cats, I just wanted to nail you.

 

[Wench #2 also sputters with indignant rage. The two wenches then smack Knuckles across the face, who then smacks Boris across the face. He turns to glare at Knuckles, who just smiles disarmingly. The two wenches storm back down along the dock towards Tortuga.]

 

Boris: Ah, I could never stay angry with you Comrade Captain.

 

Knuckles: I'd like to inform you that those wenches have not been salted…yet. Take what you can get.

 

[Knuckles and Boris fist-bump. About three hundred years before anyone even thought of fist bumping. Boris winces from having Knuckles' knuckles total fuck his hands up, and then runs after the two departing wenches.]

 

Boris: So tell me, comrade wenches, have you ever taken part in a Moscow Victory Parade?

 

[Knuckles turns to look after the Black Pearl. The scene cuts to the Pearl itself. Eggman is on the bridge, gazing dramatically into the distance when a collection of characters walk up to him.]

 

Megabyte: Not meaning any disrespect, Captain, but some of the men are not too keen on having left Captain Knuckles the Echidna behind.

 

Cervantes: Arr.

 

Megabyte: Arr. I mean, again.

 

Arthas: So, what we're saying is that it would ease the unconscionable burden on our hearts if we could see what you've got.

 

Eggman: Excuse me?

 

Megabyte: What you've got on the map.

 

Eggman: Ah. Well, not to worry gentlemen. There is more than one way to live forever in this world. We shall head to Florida…

 

Ryudo: And live forever in a series of shoddy straight-to-home-video sequels?

 

Eggman: Aye, perhaps, but that not be what we search for this time!

 

[Eggman grabs the rolled up map from the table next to him.]

 

Eggman: Gentlemen, may I present…the Fountain of You-

 

[Eggman unrolls the map, which is missing a very large chunk in the middle. Eggman looks at the edges of the hole.]

 

Eggman: (screaming to the Heavens) KNUUUUUUUUUCKLES!!!

 

[The camera cuts to the small dinghy from the dock in Tortuga. Knuckles is hoisting his flag over the dinghy. After raising the flag, he sits down and pulls out the central portion of the map. He rotates the map until it shows a diagram of Florida. Knuckles pulls out his compass, which points back to him. He looks puzzled for a second, then reaches underneath his seat and pulls out a bottle of rum. He uncorks it, and the compass turns to face ahead of him. Knuckles smiles and takes a swig of rum.]

 

Knuckles: Yo-ho-ho, and thank God this is over with…

 

[A dramatic camera pan pulls back, showing Knuckles' dinghy sailing off into the horizon, into new and even more financially profitable ventures for the Disney Corporation…]

 

~~The End~~

 

{Author's Note: Wow, it's finally over! So, I think I need a stiff drink after all that nonsense. Maybe I'll pop “Transformers” into the DVD player and watch a mindless summer action movie that doesn't actually suck balls. Thanks as always to my cousin, who remains a merciless editor who leaves grammatical errors bleeding in his wake. Also, thanks to the people who nagged me to actually finish this stupid parody (they know who they are, and they should also know that I hate them). And now, all I have to do is wait for “Pirates of the Caribbean 4”, which from what I hear will be a buddy comedy movie starring Jack Sparrow and my personal favorite character, Captain Barbossa. Now that might actually be good…until then, this will be my last foray into the increasingly dismal “Pirates of the Caribbean” universe. Thanks for reading!}

 

~~The End~~