Pokemon Fan Fiction ❯ Pokemon Coast to Coast ❯ The Pokemos Hole ( Chapter 4 )

Glad to see you’re still here! Once again, I’m sorry I didn’t update any sooner, but I’ve been on vacation in New England visiting my brother. But now that I’m back, I’ll try a bit harder to make you laugh. I promise!

(Fade in: Tori Avalon from Cardcaptors is on the monitor)

Tori Avalon: Alright, I'll do it. Do I get a gun?

Squirtle: Yeah, but use your own piece. I can't be connected in, uh, any way.

(Bulbasaur walks to his desk. Tori clears his throat, alerting Squirtle to Bulbasaur's arrival) Yeah, Tori, uh, that, uh...

Tori Avalon: Um...

Squirtle: ... fair was, uh... fun.

Tori Avalon: Yeah.

Squirtle: Yeah.

Bulbasaur: You weren't in any fair!

Squirtle: (laughs)

Bulbasaur: I heard you telling' Tori to shoot me in the brain with a laser, out behind the dumpster.

Tori Avalon: Ah...

Squirtle: Aw, c'mon, that doesn't sound like me.

Bulbasaur: That makes me sad.

Squirtle: I never said that!

Bulbasaur: Yeah, you did.

Squirtle: We're buds!

Bulbasaur: Well, I heard it.

Squirtle: I never said that, and I would never say that.

Bulbasaur: Tori heard it, didn't you, Tori?

Tori Avalon: (nods slowly)

Squirtle: (laughs) Oh, now I remember! I did tell him that, didn't I?

Tori Avalon: Are you gonna do anything about it, or are you just gonna hold a grudge here...

Bulbasaur: I'm not gonna hold a grudge. I, I'm just gonna go to my room and never do the show again.

Squirtle: There you go.

Bulbasaur: And, I won't speak to any of you ever again!

Squirtle: That'll work.

Bulbasaur: And since there's no food in my room, I'll probably just die there.

Tori Avalon: Okay... (exhales)

(Cut to control room; Charmander watches on his monitor)

Bulbasaur: How would that be... ya fat babies?

Charmander: Good! (Cut back to studio)

Squirtle: Yeah, good.

Tori Avalon: (chuckles)

Bulbasaur: (walks from his desk, runs off the set)

Tori Avalon: Okay, this is my show, now that Bulbasaur is gone; this is the Tori Avalon Show.

Squirtle: Yeah!!

Tori Avalon: Bulbasaur won't be able to be back for the rest of the day.

Squirtle: Awright!

Tori Avalon: I've often wondered from watching your show...

(As Tori talks, Bulbasaur is silhouetted in the foreground, watching the set unseen, thinking to himself)

Bulbasaur: [Okay. So we forgot all about our good friend Bulbasaur...]

Tori Avalon: (to Squirtle) ... how tall are you?

Squirtle: Eh, about six feet.

Tori Avalon: Six feet tall.

Squirtle: Yeah, I'm pretty big.

Tori Avalon: I'm impressed.

Squirtle: I know.

Bulbasaur: (still thinking to himself) (mocking) ["How tall are you? I'm pretty tall."] (walks out of shadows)

Tori Avalon: How much can you bench press?

Squirtle: Eh, about 320.

Tori Avalon: Yeah, I could tell that from your over-developed quads.

Charmander: (stammering) Hey Tori, Tori, ask me how tall... how I can press.

Bulbasaur: (walks in front of Squirtle's keyboard) Did it just get noisier in here? (He stops in front of his desk) It stopped. (quietly, to Squirtle) Hear how quiet it got? (sits down at his desk) Uh, so, how's the, uh, how's the show going?

Squirtle: It's going pretty good!

Bulbasaur: As if I care.

Squirtle: It's funny.

Charmander: Yeah, too bad you're missing it.

Bulbasaur: (looks at a cue card) What are y'all talking about?

Squirtle: (to himself) We're not talking about anything, now that you're here.

Charmander: Actually, we were talking about...

Bulbasaur: Oh, I heard it. Say, Tori...

Tori Avalon: Yeah?

Bulbasaur: Why don't you ask Squirtle about his hollow arms, and how you can break one off and sip a drink through it?

Tori Avalon: (Disgusted) Oh god!

Bulbasaur: If you'd ever want to put your lips on it.

Squirtle: Hey, I thought you were leaving.

Bulbasaur: But I don't think you'd want to put your lips on something like that. Would he, Squirtle? Answer him. Answer me.

Squirtle: This ain't your show. It's the Tori Avalon Show.

Bulbasaur: I'm not here for your show. Your show's stupid and I hate it. And I never liked it.

Squirtle: Uh huh.

Bulbasaur: I never liked it, Squirtle.

Squirtle: Uh huh.

Bulbasaur: I just came down to get my keys so I could.. drive over to where my new friends are.

Squirtle: We don't care.

Bulbasaur: Where it's fun.

Squirtle: Well, go get 'em. What are you waiting' for?

Bulbasaur: I don't know... I thought I'd say hello to Tori.

Tori Avalon: (looks back silently)

Bulbasaur: Hey Tori.

Tori Avalon: Greetings, Bulbasaur.

Squirtle: Alright, you did that, now get your keys.

Bulbasaur: (pounds his desk) Say Tori, tell me about your new projects.

Squirtle: Hey! That's enough!

Charmander: Yeah man, leave.

Bulbasaur: I am leaving'.

Charmander: So leave. I mean, you've been leaving' for five minutes.

Bulbasaur: And I'm never coming' back.

Charmander: Good! Go! Bye!

Bulbasaur: When I go, that's it.

Squirtle: So [bleep] go! (Tori looks shocked; Bulbasaur stares in silence) Tori doesn't want you on his show! Isn't that right, Tori?

Tori Avalon: (pauses) No no, no no no...

Charmander: Now man, you said it was your show...

Tori Avalon: Aw, c'mon.

Bulbasaur: Fine, I'm leaving!

Tori Avalon: Alright, go ahead.

Bulbasaur: Alright, I will go ahead!

Squirtle: Then move it!

Charmander: Yeah, get outta here!

Bulbasaur: (pauses) Hey hey, let's show some of my old clips.

Charmander: No!

Bulbasaur: (pounds his desk) Fine, ya bunch of fat babies! Don't expect me back here any time forever!

Tori Avalon: What a shame.

Squirtle: (laughs hysterically)

Charmander: (laughs hysterically)

Bulbasaur: (walks off)

(Scene transition to the Pokemon League)

Narrator: Outside the Pokemon League... (Scene changes to a giant hole in the ground, with a rusted car and trashcans behind it, and a factory and polluted skyline in the background behind a chain link fence.) ... is this Hole...

Bulbasaur: (rides by on a garden tractor) Hey Blastoise! My man! (Blastoise stands up, along with a Sandslash, who ducks down. Bulbasaur's tractor goes off screen and stops)

Narrator: ... of Pokemon.

Bulbasaur: Gimme five, my man. I know you didn't ask me to, but I went ahead and mowed your lawn anyway.

Blastoise: Gee, thanks, uh... Bulba...

Bulbasaur: Bulbasaur.

Blastoise: Yeah, that's what I said. Here's ten dollars.

Bulbasaur: Here, let me get you some change in my... (spits out a Leech Seed "by accident") Hey! Look at that! I spat out a Leech Seed! I don't want to tell you your job or anything, but I bet powers like that would come in pretty handy for you guys around the Hole of Pokemon. (As Bulbasaur talks, a Sneasel, a Primeape, a Houndoom, a Bayleef, and an Aipom appear in the hole and behind the car and trash cans)

Blastoise: We can all do this. (all of them use Leech Seed)

Bulbasaur: Well, that makes us friends then, huh? Hello... hello... hello... (The Pokemon sneak away) Where are you?!

(Back in the studio)

Squirtle: (laughs) Hey hoser, you take off!

Tori Avalon: Hey, take off, Squirtle.

Charmander: Hey wait, you guys, you guys...

Squirtle: Take off, eh? (laughs)

Charmander: Dave, Dave, tell me to take off.

Tori Avalon: (stares back in silence)

Charmander: Oh c'mon, somebody tell me to take off, eh? (chuckles)

Tori Avalon: (silence)

Charmander: C'mon, do it.

Bulbasaur: (walks to set) Hey, take off, everyone! Take it all off!

Charmander: (groans)

Squirtle: Aw, man!

Bulbasaur: What?

Squirtle: I thought you had some friends!

Bulbasaur: I do.

Squirtle: Then where are they?

Bulbasaur: Uh... they were all out visiting other friends, uh, that I know through them. Tori, do you mind if I just sit here until my friends tell me where they are?

Tori Avalon: Yeah, I do mind. It bothers me when people do that.

Bulbasaur: By "people", do you mean me?

Tori Avalon: Yeah.

Charmander: (standing by Bulbasaur's desk) Tori, is there a problem here?

Tori Avalon: No, no problem at all.

Charmander: Because if there's a problem... (slaps cards down on Bulbasaur's desk) I have the solution.

Tori Avalon: No problem.

Charmander: Alright, you just call me if you need anything, Tori.

Tori Avalon: Okay.

Charmander: (walking away) The Tori Avalon Show. Heh heh, I love it.

Bulbasaur: He's not the host of the show.

Squirtle: Yeah he is.

Bulbasaur: No he isn't, and you shut up, because I'm about to conduct an interview.

Tori Avalon: Alright, Bulbasaur, how thick is your neck?

Bulbasaur: I'll ask the questions, Tori. How thick is my neck? It's 48 inches.

Tori Avalon: That's a decent sized neck.

Bulbasaur: Radius, Tori.

Tori Avalon: 48 inch radius.

Bulbasaur: Radius.

Tori Avalon: How do you measure it, with a straightened coat hanger or...

Bulbasaur: I just cut my head off and count the rings on my esophagus.

Tori Avalon: Fair enough.

Bulbasaur: What's that on your jaw, Tori? Oh-h-h, it's fat.

Tori Avalon: Thank you for even acknowledging that I have a jaw, Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: (in low voice) Not much of one.

Tori Avalon: Hey.

Bulbasaur: What?

Tori Avalon: I'm a guest. How about a little civility, Bulbasaur?

Bulbasaur: Oh, you're the guest. Then who's the host?

Tori Avalon: Of the Bulbasaur show?

Bulbasaur: Yeah, Tori. The Bulbasaur show.

Tori Avalon: (pause) Uh... Squirtle?

Squirtle: (in background) Tell it on the mountain!

Bulbasaur: No.

Tori Avalon: I.. Help me out here! Charmander?

Bulbasaur: (aims his Solarbeam at Tori) Screw you all to hell! (charges his shot)

Tori Avalon: Okay.

Bulbasaur: (still charging, ready to blast, with teeth clenched)

Tori Avalon: How's it goin', Squirtle?

Squirtle: Awesome, Tori.

Bulbasaur: (still aiming) I'm serious!

Tori Avalon: Give it your best shot, big boy.

Bulbasaur: (blasts Tori with his Solarbeam, but it’s deflected)

Tori Avalon: (chuckles) Think you need to take that in to the shop. (Bulbasaur flies off; Tori chuckles)

(Color swirly transition effect; back at the Hole of Pokemon)

Bulbasaur: Y'all in there? (Blastoise peers over the edge of the hole) I know you're in there.

Blastoise: No, I, I was just testing it.

Bulbasaur: Where is everyone?

Blastoise: They're... they're out saving stuff.

Bulbasaur: I hope they save their appetites! Because I just ordered us a large pizza! Y'all like pizza, don't ya?

Blastoise: Yeah. (the others peer over the hole) They won't be back for, like, a year. They're way out on Cinnabar Island. (points up)

Bulbasaur: That's funny, I came by Cinnabar on my way over, and there was nobody there! (moves toward Blastoise, the others duck down)

Blastoise: Oh, gee, look, look, you really... you gotta go.

Bulbasaur: I know you're in there! Ya fat babies!

(Back in the studio)

Charmander: Okay, you ready?

Tori Avalon: Yeah.

Charmander: Alright! Start the music! (music starts, then she swings by on a rope) Whoa! (she lets go of the rope, and crashes off screen; smoke and flames erupt)

Tori Avalon: Squirtle, comments?

Squirtle: I'd say that... probably killed her.

Charmander: Oh, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, check it out. I can do that better, though.

Bulbasaur: (walks in) Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt. (walks in front of Squirtle's keyboard pod, toward desk) I'm just Bulbasaur, the guy the show's named after.

Tori Avalon: Welcome mat is out for you, Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: Nobody talk to me or look at me.

Squirtle: Alright, we won't. (drinks from his coffee cup)

Charmander: You want to get out of the shot? (camera zooms in on Tori)

Bulbasaur: (stepping between the camera and monitor, out of focus) Am I in the way here? Gosh, I hope not. (camera pans off of Bulbasaur, he moves in front of it again)

Tori Avalon: You're kind of a one-trick pony, aren't you, Bulbasaur. (laughing)

Bulbasaur: (continues trying to stay in front of the camera, as Charmander moves it) I didn't realize it was my show.

Tori Avalon: Take your time, Bulbasaur, I got all day. (laughs)

Bulbasaur: Well, I don't, Tori. (camera zooms back) Because I am a busy man. (runs off)

Squirtle: Hey, Tori... where'd you get that blazer?

Tori Avalon: Well...

Bulbasaur: (walks across stage with his arms full of rolls of toilet paper) (voice muffled) I'm back.

Tori Avalon: Sorry to hear that. Anything I could help you with?

Bulbasaur: Yeah. You can help me with this toilet paper. (drops all the rolls, intentionally) Because I'm going back to your Earth and roll the entire goddamned planet. Starting with Blastoise and his stupid Hole of Pokemon. Because I'm better than them, aren't I.

Tori Avalon: Well...

Bulbasaur: I'm a super-hero, AND a super-artist.

Tori Avalon: I sense sometimes a little insecurity, maybe a little kind of self-identify problem.

Bulbasaur: (pause) So.. you think I have a problem.

Tori Avalon: Not specifically, but it's always good to keep an open mind about it...

Squirtle: Well, I'll open his mind.

Bulbasaur: Oh, with what? A hammer? You were gonna say that, I know.

Squirtle: That's not what I was gonna say!

Bulbasaur: Well then, with what? What was it gonna be? What sort of carpenter's tool were you gonna use on my skull?

Squirtle: What are you talking' about?

Bulbasaur: I know you said it!

Tori Avalon: Have you ever...

Bulbasaur: He said it, Tori.

Tori Avalon: Have you ever seen a... not a shrink, maybe just a counselor...

Bulbasaur: All the time, in Jerusalem. Wait, what?

Tori Avalon: Oh, never mind.

Bulbasaur: No, no, come on, I'm listening.

Tori Avalon: Somebody who might be able to sit in a nice zero-gravity environment with you, and the two of you could kind of lob questions back and forth...

Squirtle: Like me?

Bulbasaur: Yeah, like Squirtle.

Tori Avalon: No, not like Squirtle. Somebody who reads.

Bulbasaur: Charmander has an education. A doctorate. Says so on her degree, right Charmander?

Charmander: Show me your hiney!

Tori Avalon: No, not like Charmander. Somebody who has an education...

Charmander: Show me the hiney!!

Bulbasaur: No, she does have an education.

Charmander: I wanna see it.

Tori Avalon: Making a suggestion here. You hire someone, for a hundred and five bucks an hour...

Bulbasaur: How about you?

Tori Avalon: What about me?

Bulbasaur: You do it, I command it.

Tori Avalon: (leans back) Alright. Let's give it a whirl.

Squirtle: (backward speech: "He doesn't know what he's doing.")

Tori Avalon: How do you feel about yourself, Bulbasaur?

Bulbasaur: Oh, I would have to say that I'm the bomb. A Number 1.

Tori Avalon: Okay. What's wrong with being number 2?

Bulbasaur: (silence)

Tori Avalon: Did I ask you a ridiculously hard question?

Bulbasaur: You did?

Tori Avalon: Let's go back to number 1 then.

Bulbasaur: Yes, and let's start calling me number 1.

Tori Avalon: And as number 1...

Bulbasaur: A Number 1. The bomb.

Tori Avalon: You ever feel like you'd like to have someone to talk to?

Charmander: (offscreen) SHOW ME THE HINEY!!

Squirtle: Sit back down!

Tori Avalon: I mean, other than Squirtle and Charmander.

Bulbasaur: (quietly) You mean like, um, like girls?

Tori Avalon: (smiles and nods) Yeah, girls.

Bulbasaur: I don't need no woman, banging on the bathroom door, saying she has to go to the bathroom, when I'm in the bathroom. It's my bathroom!

Tori Avalon: I think you've been out here a little too long.

Squirtle: Yeah, go out to the dumpster, where it's beautiful.

Bulbasaur: No.

Squirtle: It's beautiful, man. You will so love it.

Bulbasaur: No. It's cold. At the dumpster.

Tori Avalon: It's gonna get a lot colder, too, if you keep staying out here by yourself. C'mon! Live a little.

Bulbasaur: Well, I like to dance.

Tori Avalon: No kidding'! Well, that's a start.

Bulbasaur: I mean... REALLY like to dance.

Tori Avalon: Hm mm. Well, that's what a lot of teenage boys do when they're growing up, but you're number 1. You gotta get beyond that.

Bulbasaur: Well, let's start calling me number 1, how about that?

Tori Avalon: Listen, I didn't come here to make you feel bad, I have tremendous respect for you, Bulbasaur. But, under the category heading of self-improvement, there's always room, even at the top, to make yourself a little better.

Bulbasaur: Well, thanks Tori. I never thought about it that way. Never thought about anything except for... [I never thought about anything.]

Tori Avalon: Squirtle, Charmander, (nods in their direction) take care of this guy. He's lonely.

Bulbasaur: Squirtle, Charmander, hop on the Fearow. We're gonna roll the Pokemon League.

Charmander: No way, man.

Squirtle: Yeah, Tori and I are going' out for a drink.

Tori Avalon: Oh, am I?

Charmander: Oh, me too, I'm going' too. Right?

Squirtle: Yeah, don't you remember? I was talking' about us going' out? Uh, taking' Charmander maybe?

Tori Avalon: (nods) I do.

Squirtle: Yeah.

Bulbasaur: (taps his cards) Uh, okay if I come?

Squirtle: No, uh, we're all sick. (fake cough) See ya! (runs off stage)

(The studio monitor raises and is gone; then the studio lights go out. Bulbasaur is all alone; Credits roll with nifty music)

(Bulbasaur is back at the Hole of Pokemon, in his own hole)

Bulbasaur: It's a free country.

Blastoise: Then feel free to bite my ass, huh?

Bulbasaur: Yeah, bring your ass over here and say that!

Blastoise: I just did, and you didn't do anything!

Bulbasaur: I'll do whatever I want, it's a free country. (Primeape is sneaking up on Bulbasaur)

Blastoise: (laughs)

Bulbasaur: What's so funny? (Primeape attacks Bulbasaur) Aaah!

Blastoise: Yeah!