Pokemon Fan Fiction ❯ Pokemon Coast to Coast ❯ Chambraigne ( Chapter 5 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

(Announcer over montage of a sunrise, flowers, a waterfall, a butterfly and a bear running)

Announcer: Is your hair as dull and lifeless as your brain? Didn't work start at 9? Where's your shirt? Did you even remember to wear it? I know you. I used to be you. Until I discovered Chambraigne.

(Video of Al Roker moves across screen)

Al Roker: Shampoo for your hair, and your brain!

Announcer: That's right, Al. And here's how it works.

(Animation of shampoo coating stomach)

Announcer: Other shampoos just work on your hair. But Chambraigne travels down each follicle and bores into your skull, depositing magical knowledge crystals.

TV's Al Roker: ("Heavy User"): Lather your way to a new intelligence.

(Chambraigne logo over video of man in toga putting on crown of leaves)

Announcer: With Chambraigne. The shampoo of kings. (Faster) Made by Carl and Sons. Continued use may result in limb Loss.

(Camera pulls back to reveal image on old-fashioned TV Screen)

Bulbasaur: Finally, a product for me! I believe every word that man just said, because it's exactly what I wanted to hear.

(Time lapse - Bulbasaur has lather on his head and is surrounded by boxes of Chambraigne)

Bulbasaur: Ha ha ha ha! I'm already smart enough to know this is working!

(Dramatic music, shot of small, glowing planet topped with a healthy head of hair, cut to ext. of Carl & Sons)

Voice: This is a proud day for Carl and Sons, son. (Two brains hover in the shadow)

Large brain: (Carl) We've sold enough Chambraigne to purchase this...television. (Opening titles play on TV screen)

Small brain: (Son) (incoherent squeaking)

Carl: Yes, son. Fetch daddy's hard plastic eyes so he can see the TV. (Son runs off screen; crashing noises are heard) On the dresser! You are an imbecile!

(Bulbasaur walks onto set)

Bulbasaur: Greetings! I'm Number One! And I got this way because I use Chambraigne! But what's "Chambraigne," Bulbasaur? Well, let me tell you what Chambraigne is. Chambraigne is an "intelli-hancer." (Trumpet)

Squirtle: Man, you've been brainwashed!

Bulbasaur: You're right it's a brain-wash! And it's good for your hair, too!

Charmander: JR's here. (clears throat)

Bulbasaur: Is this product for everyone, Bulbasaur? (Laughs.) No, no, no. This product is not for everyone. Only for those who buy, and choose to use, the product.

Charmander: JR's here.

Squirtle: You know what I've always wanted to do? (Pause.) Have a Nerf war in a huge mansion!

Charmander: JR's here!

Bulbasaur: Oh, really? (Pause). Chambraigne? I'll catch you on the flipside. (trumpet)

(Squirtle plays dramatic music on keyboard as Bulbasaur walks to his desk. Jim Ross is on the monitor)

Jim Ross: Greetings, Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: JR, for legal reasons beyond our control, and to honor the queen, identify yourself...to me...the king.

Jim Ross: Jim Ross, World Wrestling Entertainment. Hello, universe.

Bulbasaur: Now, when you say "Jim Ross," what do you mean by that?

Jim Ross: You know, it's...it's uh... (laughing) something I haven't given much thought to, actually.

Bulbasaur: Well, I have. (pause) It's your name, JR.

Jim Ross: Ye...Yeah.

Bulbasaur: (thinking to himself) This shampoo is awesome!

Squirtle: Hey! JR! Look at me!

Jim Ross: Yeah?

Squirtle: I'm burning a hole in your head with my Mind. (Jim Ross looks at Squirtle confused)

Bulbasaur: Ha ha! What a sticky wicket! Squirtle's mind is obviously too small. He has no hair. He can't make use of Chambraigne. It's like the domino theory of stupidity. Isn't that obvious to everyone? (Bulbasaur's bulb falls off) Oh dear.

Squirtle: Hey, JR! This Bret Hart thing. How does that guy get screwed in his home country?

Jim Ross: It's a travesty.

Bulbasaur: (Re-attaching bulb) Okay. All right.

Squirtle: Yeah, I mean five-time WWE champion. No common man's touchin' that.

Jim Ross: Well, I think this whole problem started at the Summer Slam of that year. He was facing...

Bulbasaur: JR...

Jim Ross: ...the Undertaker for the title and Shawn Michaels was the special guest...

Bulbasaur: JR! JR!

Jim Ross: What?

Bulbasaur: JR, that thing over there is a Squirtle. He knows nothing. He's obviously trying to lure you into some sort of a wrestling death trap! So now, JR, listen to my important question.

Jim Ross: Okay.

Bulbasaur: What's the difference between a "boont" and a "poont"?

Jim Ross: A "bunt," first of all, would happen in baseball...

Bulbasaur: JR, hold on. We all know what a "bunt" is. We're talking about the "boont." The French "boont." Or English. Whatever.

Jim Ross: You know, I...

Bulbasaur: You clearly have no idea what you're talking about you handsome, sophisticated, hyper-intelligent, svelte, well-read, sparkling, salty, olive-complected, full-head-of-haired Man!

(Pause)

Jim Ross: Well, you know you have to...

Bulbasaur: I AM THE KING!

(Pause)

Jim Ross: Don't you feel special about that?

Bulbasaur: (thinking to himself) JR smells like a chili dog. And his hair is huge. Could he be using Chambraigne? (Cut to Carl and Son watching Bulbasaur on their TV screen) Now with Weiner scent?

Carl: There is no Weiner scent, you hooded buffoon!

Son: (squeaking) Awww....

Carl: He's making a mockery of the product. You're making a mockery of the product!

Jim Ross: How mu...how much hair do you have, Bulbasaur?

Bulbasaur: (with lather on head) Oh, I don't know. Nine. Nine fat stalks.

Jim Ross: Well, why if...if, Bulbasaur, if you weren't concerned about your own dome, why would you be so concerned and perhaps envious of those who have a full head of hair?

Bulbasaur: Right.

Jim Ross: Right.

Bulbasaur: Wanna see my brain?

Jim Ross: What's that?

Bulbasaur: Charmander! Get out here and heat up my skull! Now this is something, JR, you don't ever wanna do.

(Charmander blows lather off Bulbasaur's head)

Charmander: All right. This is gonna hurt. Bad.

Bulbasaur: Right now Charmander is heating my skull up to a scorching 450 degrees. (Bulbasaur's head glows red) It's like getting a scalp massage...from Lucifer.

Jim Ross: It sounds dangerous. It sounds downright frightening.

Bulbasaur: It is. You see, my brain's sending a message to my vines right now to hit Charmander. But I'm choosing to ignore that.

Jim Ross: Uh-huh. Hello, Charmander.

Charmander: Hi, JR.

Bulbasaur: Charmander, don't talk to the guests. Things get easier as your brain dies, JR.

Jim Ross: I know.

Bulbasaur: There she is, JR. (trumpet swell, Bulbasaur's brain shows through his head all the way down to his neck) Brains!

Jim Ross: I'm impressed. I'm very impressed, Bulbasaur. But then, I was impressed to begin with.

Bulbasaur: You, uh, wanna know why I did this, JR?

Jim Ross: Please.

Bulbasaur: To prove a point. A point, JR, which escapes me right now. I have to go stick my head in the lake. (Cut to show on Carl and Son's TV. On screen, we see Bulbasaur walk off the set, then we cut to Jim in Charmander's monitor)

Jim Ross: How sad was that? (Cut to Carl and Son)

Carl: Sales will plummet! All because of this beef-witted Klingon!

Son: (squeaking) Oh, Daddy!

Carl: Fetch daddy's blue fright wig! I must be handsome when I unleash my rage. (Son flies off screen, crashing sounds) It's on the dresser, next to the keys! I've told you a million times!

(Cut back to the set)

Squirtle: Then, you know, it's been pretty much oozing' ever since. What do you think of that?

Jim Ross: It disgusts me.

Squirtle: Me too. And I gotta live with it.

Jim Ross: Hmmm. (Bulbasaur walks back to the desk)

Bulbasaur: Charmander, flush the lake.

Charmander: We don't have a lake.

Bulbasaur: Good work. Jim?

Jim Ross: Yes, Bulbasaur?

Bulbasaur: JR...

Jim Ross: Bulbasaur?

Bulbasaur: Hello.

Jim Ross: Hello, Bulbasaur. (Pause)

Bulbasaur: I have one final question for you. As a carbon-based sex machine...

Squirtle: Smooth-chested, no doubt.

Bulbasaur: I was just gonna say that! It's amazing. We've been working together so long...

Squirtle: We finish each other's sentences.

Bulbasaur: Well, you know, it's like I always say...when I'm in the shower... (looks at Squirtle, then sings) Shower time!! That's what I always say, Bob. When I'm showering.

(A blue-fright-wigged Carl and a baseball-cap-wearing Son start making their way to Pokemon Planet)

Bulbasaur: Now, Bob, I have one more final question for you. Do you have the freedom to wear comfortable, open-toed shoes?

Jim Ross: I could, yes.

Bulbasaur: Okay.

Jim Ross: Yeah, I'd...actually, though; it's not advisable when doing a hard-core match in an arena in Green Bay during December to wear sandals.

Bulbasaur: JR, everyone knows Green Bay is not in December. You obviously don't shampoo. Here's my final question.

Jim Ross: Oh yeah? I thought that was the last question.

Bulbasaur: Who told ya that?

Jim Ross: All right, what is it?

Bulbasaur: That was it. (Jim Ross nods in frustration as Bulbasaur's mouth grows to twice its size) Did you just call me a monkey? Huh?!

Jim Ross: I, Bulbasaur, I didn't...

Bulbasaur: Come on, big man. Come on!

Jim Ross: I, I'm not a man who believes...

Bulbasaur: Come on, let's go!

Jim Ross: ...in violence, Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: Come on, JR! Start somethin'!

Jim Ross: Nah.

Bulbasaur: Yeah!

Jim Ross: Nah.

Bulbasaur: You want a piece of me?

Jim Ross: Nah.

(Bulbasaur sighs, then turns to Squirtle)

Jim Ross: (announcing) Bulbasaur, eyeing Squirtle.

Squirtle: What?

Jim Ross: Ready to deliver the knock-out blow.

Bulbasaur: Come on, Squirtle, start somethin'. Come on, you want a piece of the king?!

Jim Ross: One of his rivals.

(Jim, Bulbasaur, and Squirtle begin talking over each other)

Bulbasaur: The monkey king?!

Squirtle: No.

Jim Ross: In his sights.

Squirtle: No. Not really.

Bulbasaur: What? Say that to my face.

Squirtle: I didn't say anything! (Bulbasaur blasts Squirtle)

Jim Ross: And he zaps him, zaps him but good. (Squirtle flies down the hallway) He's gone yard on Squirtle. He's taken him deep. He's taken him over the boards.

Bulbasaur: Put that in your pipe and smoke it! With your burned lips!

Jim Ross: It's a tape-measure blast of Squirtle that ought to eliminate the Pokemon for the foreseeable future.

Squirtle: (from hallway) I didn't do anything!

Bulbasaur: You were driving away the fans.

Jim Ross: He was. He was asking for it. And all superheroes, all men of honor and virtue, only resort to violence...

Bulbasaur: I didn't ask you, JR.

Jim Ross: Sorry.

Bulbasaur: "Sorry" is a word that knows no boundaries. Now kiss my ring.

Carl: SILENCE!!

Son: (incoherent squeaking)

Carl: (to Son:) Shut! Shut! If you had a neck and I had hands, I would squeeze your brain, which is your body, right out the top of your head, which does not exist!

Son: (remorseful squeaking)

Squirtle: That's some great hair.

Carl: Thanks. It's not real.

Bulbasaur: Welcome, fans.

Carl: We are far from fans. I am Carl. This is my son, Little Carl.