Pokemon Fan Fiction ❯ Pokemon Coast to Coast ❯ Fire Drill ( Chapter 7 )

: WAITING

Donny Osmond: One, two, three, four, five, testing...

Bulbasaur: Hey, do you think, uh, do you think we would have more business or less business if we released that "Pokemon Colosseum" game for the Wii? (pause)

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Bulbasaur: Uh...

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Squirtle: Less!

Charmander: More!

Bulbasaur: Gee, that's funny, 'cause I sent three copies here to E3 which everyone was impressed with and I never got one “thank you” note for...

Squirtle: See, less!

Charmander: That what you gonna do...

Bulbasaur: I sent this immense gargantuan video game to the U.S... y'know... y'know what I'm gonna do then... next year... next year...

Donny Osmond: (taps microphone impatiently)

Bulbasaur: Comfy, Donny?

Donny Osmond: Let's do it. Now, I should be looking at you like this, who is this strange person, or is this kinda normal stuff?

Bulbasaur: This is totally serious.

Donny Osmond: Okay, any other characters that may be talking?

Squirtle: Nope, just me. (blink blink)

Donny Osmond: Besides Squirtle?

Squirtle: What's wrong with my character?

Donny Osmond: Oh, there's the "Der"... what's his name?

Bulbasaur: Charmander.

Donny Osmond: Charmander.

Charmander: Yep, monogamy's where it's at in the 21st century.

Bulbasaur: She's a fire-type.

Donny Osmond: (laughs)

Bulbasaur: Is that so funny to you?

Donny Osmond: Sure!

Bulbasaur: (frowns) feh.

(Opening music & titles; Bulbasaur walks in)

Bulbasaur: Greetings! I'm Bulbasaur. Joining me tonight, chart toppers Pierre Bouvier from Simple Plan and Donny Osmond. (At desk) My first guest is a most singular fellow. Please welcome Pierre Bouvier! (Monitor lowers with Pierre)

Pierre Bouvier: Thank you very much for having me.

Bulbasaur: Welcome! So is this the...

Pierre Bouvier: (image does a "fast forward") (starts laughing)

Bulbasaur: Pierre, are you having trouble with your powers? (Pierre laughs) I just saw that you were having trouble with your powers.

Pierre Bouvier: I'm... (image does a "fast forward" again) (laughs)

Bulbasaur: We can talk about it after the show.

Pierre Bouvier: Thank you.

Bulbasaur: (lowered voice) In a private room.

Pierre Bouvier: Uh... Oh my gosh... (super close-up of Bulbasaur's face) I... uh, no.

Bulbasaur: All these new-age punks with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their goddamn' moist music, it... oh, I'm only kidding! I didn't say you were one... Oh, there you go, now you took offense... So, is this the first talk show you've ever been on?

(Pierre laughs)

Bulbasaur: In outer space, of course.

Pierre Bouvier: Yes it is, I hope it is not the last.

Bulbasaur: What do you mean by "it"?

Pierre Bouvier: (pause; as Bulbasaur gets stuck by a lightning bolt) I... Can I come back to that, I...

Bulbasaur: (burned) Sure.

Pierre Bouvier: Thank you.

Bulbasaur: So, what have you been doing?

Pierre Bouvier: I find myself...

Squirtle: (background) Living in a shotgun shed.

Bulbasaur: ... lately?

Pierre Bouvier: Lately, I've been traveling in a bus.

Bulbasaur: How lately?

Pierre Bouvier: (pause) Being a Pokemon, does that mean that, uh, that you have unlimited access to anything and everything?

Bulbasaur: After 2002.

Pierre Bouvier: Yeah.

Bulbasaur: Right.

Pierre Bouvier: I like that, uh, I hope the same thing happens to me?

Bulbasaur: What thing?

Pierre Bouvier: I would like to live in another dimension.

Bulbasaur: We would all like to do something, Pierre.

Pierre Bouvier: Yes, uh...

Bulbasaur: D'you know what I'd like to do, Pierre? I'd like...

Squirtle: (interrupts) Ah, ah, I'd, I'd like to have artho... artho...

Bulbasaur: Butt out.

Squirtle: Knee surgery.

Pierre Bouvier: That's good.

Bulbasaur: You, Pierre?

Pierre Bouvier: Yes, I would like to be cute and blonde.

Bulbasaur: Uh huh!

Charmander: (in control room) I'll take the ceramic poodle for 3000, the bumper pool table for 4200, uh, pocket calculator for 7.95, and, the rest on a gift certificate.

Pierre Bouvier: I can assume a horizontal position.

Bulbasaur: Uh, huh! Heh heh heh...

Pierre Bouvier: (laughs) For many weeks! (laughs)

Bulbasaur: Hee hee hee... wooo!

Pierre Bouvier: (hears heart beats; sees super close-up of Bulbasaur again, looks down)

Bulbasaur: What about croutons, Pierre? I love them on a light salad!

Pierre Bouvier: Not a crouton man, but I like to put them in a separate, separate dish.

Bulbasaur: Not a crouton man! (laughs)

Pierre Bouvier: You can have my croutons, and Bac-O's.

Bulbasaur: And how!

Pierre Bouvier: Maybe eat them later.

Bulbasaur: (voice is garbled) One, two, no, it's fine now. Hello, hello? Yep, now we're okay.

Pierre Bouvier: However, I find that in a salad they're used to inflate the size of the salad, much as if it were Styrofoam packing material.

Bulbasaur: Wow.

Squirtle: I need some packing material.

Bulbasaur: Why do you need some packing material?

Squirtle: To pack.

Bulbasaur: Pack what, Squirtle?

Squirtle: Some things.

Bulbasaur: What kind of things?

Squirtle: Squirtle things.

Bulbasaur: Oh, really?

Pierre Bouvier: (feeling left out) I myself am a creature from Ontario, and, uh...

Squirtle: Really.

Bulbasaur: Going somewhere?

Squirtle: Where?

Pierre Bouvier: From Ontario.

Bulbasaur: I said, going somewhere?

Squirtle: Oh, yeah.

Pierre Bouvier: I'm putting my insides on the outside...

Bulbasaur: Uh huh?

Pierre Bouvier: That's what it's about.

Squirtle: Uh huh.

Pierre Bouvier: Thank you very much for having me.

Bulbasaur: So this place you're going, you'll need a lot of "things".

Pierre Bouvier: I will, again and again.

Squirtle: Oh yeah, a lot of things.

Bulbasaur: Like ten things or maybe twelve?

Pierre Bouvier: I believe it was Moses who brought the Ten Condiments.

Squirtle: Sure, sure, maybe everything.

Bulbasaur: Everything, huh?

Pierre Bouvier: I would like to go...

Squirtle: Y'know, just in case.

Pierre Bouvier: If you don't mind.

Bulbasaur: Y'know, I don't think you'll be going anywhere...

Pierre Bouvier: Mr., Mr. Bulbasaur...

Bulbasaur: (shouting) SINCE YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE!!!

Pierre Bouvier: (looks on helplessly)

Squirtle: Ohhhhh, I think different.

Bulbasaur: (coyly) You forgot to pack something.

Squirtle: Huh? What?

Bulbasaur: (charges Solarbeam) This Solarbeam.

Squirtle: Uh, no thanks.

Bulbasaur: (quietly) Oh, I think you need this Solarbeam. (shoots Solarbeam)

Squirtle: Eh... (BLAM!!!) (Squirtle is crisped)

Bulbasaur: Pierre, I forget... what do you like on your salad again?

Pierre Bouvier: (waving hands) Oh no, I still don't have an answer!

Bulbasaur: (impatient) Waiting...

Pierre Bouvier: Uh... Anything that makes my skin tingle.

Bulbasaur: Croutons are what make me tingly.

Pierre Bouvier: Yeah.

Bulbasaur: I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly.

Pierre Bouvier: I should hope so.

Bulbasaur: Before you go, is there anything you'd like to know about me?

Pierre Bouvier: Uh... (close-up of Bulbasaur again)

Bulbasaur: Anything at all?

Pierre Bouvier: Uh...

Bulbasaur: About me? (super close-up of Bulbasaur's mouth)

Pierre Bouvier: (close-up of his eyes)

Bulbasaur: Pierre, you're bringin' me down, man! Squirtle?

Squirtle: (still crisped) What?

Bulbasaur: You're bringin' me down, man! Charmander?

Charmander: Uh huh?

Bulbasaur: (quietly) Pssst, Charmander?

Charmander: Hi.

Bulbasaur: (normal voice) You're bringin' me down... (Charmander throws lever)

: INTERRUPT FEED

: START FEED

Bulbasaur: (low voice) We're in?

Charmander: Yep.

Bulbasaur: And you boys are rolling?

Charmander: Uh... yes.

Bulbasaur: And we're definitely in?

Charmander: Yes!

Bulbasaur: (normal voice) Okay. You're bringin' me down, man! (laughs) All righto! My next guest... (Power tools in background) (talks louder) My next guest is Donny Osmond! (intro music) Hi, Donny. Welcome to the show.

Donny Osmond: Thank you, thank you Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: Tell us what's new with you.

Donny Osmond: No no no no, I'm not doin' that.

Bulbasaur: Why not?

Donny Osmond: Because I've seen your show before, and I've seen what you do to your guests when they start plugging, you cut to really dumb animes that no one would watch ever while they talk about what they're doing, so I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to release my ...

(A 2-minute clip of “Yu-gi-Oh is shown)

(Cut back to studio)

Donny Osmond: ... I'm not going to fall prey to your tricks here.

Bulbasaur: So Donny, is it true that... (construction noise gets louder) Ahem! So Donny, is it true that... Excuse me a second (runs off) (noise starts to die down)

Donny Osmond: How ya doin', Squirtle?

Squirtle: How do I do what?

Donny Osmond: Hmm... (sings) Squirtle, you're an idiot, I think you're so dumb...

Squirtle: ("sings") Donny Osmond, Donny Osmond, Donny Donny Donny... feh.

Donny Osmond: Oh, I didn't know Squirtle was a singer.

Squirtle: Squirtle is many things.

Donny Osmond: Amazing.

Squirtle: Do you have five dollars?

Donny Osmond: No, do you?

Squirtle: I'll ask the questions here!

Donny Osmond: Okay. (pause) Next question.

Squirtle: Eh, listen, I'm in LA soon, so I need to sleep on your couch.

Donny Osmond: Okay.

Squirtle: For a whole month.

Donny Osmond: (shakes his head) No.

Squirtle: Why not? You afraid of me? Don't want me in your house?

Donny Osmond: Uh huh.

Squirtle: Afraid I might kick your butt! Jerk!

Donny Osmond: Get my agent on the phone, quick!

Bulbasaur: (walks back in) They're building that new "Metroid" game next door.

Donny Osmond: I'll kick his butt.

Squirtle: I'll kick your butt.

Bulbasaur: (laughing) Whoa, calm down, everybody!

Donny Osmond: I'll calm down now.

Bulbasaur: All right, sir, fair enough.

Squirtle: Donny Osmond... feh!

Donny Osmond: Okay, let's just do it.

Bulbasaur: One thing that's buggin' me. Who's your sister?

Donny Osmond: Marie.

Bulbasaur: Yeah. If Marie's a little bit country, and you're a little bit rock and roll... What's the rest of you?

Donny Osmond: I guess if I'm a little bit rock and roll, the rest of me is composed of mostly water.

Bulbasaur: Liquid water.

Donny Osmond: It's truth.

Bulbasaur: Made from scratch?

Donny Osmond: Yeah.

Bulbasaur: All right. Being an Osmond, you must have many arch-enemies.

Donny Osmond: Enemies? Bulbasaur, I'm Donny Osmond, I don't have enemies! (laughs)

Bulbasaur: How about that Bonaduce kid? I heard you two were in a big fight.

Donny Osmond: I punched him in the nose, and I won that fight.

Bulbasaur: (sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh! Johnny Confident! Fwhoosh!"

Donny Osmond: But it was fixed.

Bulbasaur: So you didn't win the fight.

Donny Osmond: I won the fight.

Bulbasaur: Sure, Donny.

Donny Osmond: (louder) Set it up again, we'll have a rematch! I'll beat him!

Bulbasaur: Like you did before.

Donny Osmond: (shouting) 'Cause I won that fight!

Bulbasaur: Okay, you won the fight, who cares?

Donny Osmond: (normal voice) I won the fight.

Bulbasaur: Okay!

Donny Osmond: Okay.

Bulbasaur: Anything else?

Donny Osmond: How, how did you get this show? Did you, did you audition for this or something? (Bulbasaur frowns; charges Solarbeam) I'm kidding you, I'll be nice, I'll be kind.

Bulbasaur: So, besides those teeth, what superpowers do you have?

Donny Osmond: Um, everybody said I can sing well.

Bulbasaur: Do it.

Donny Osmond: (sings)

Bulbasaur: Do you like croutons?

Donny Osmond: Nuts?

Bulbasaur: Croutons!

Donny Osmond: No, no, no, grapes, they're better.

Bulbasaur: Better for idiots. (Donny shrugs) Does Marie eat grapes?

Donny Osmond: Why don't you get Marie on the show, let her...

Bulbasaur: Yeah, why don't we get Marie on the show? Charmander, I want Marie. Call her agent.

Charmander: (sings) "How do you solve a problem like Marie-e?" Heh heh heh...

Bulbasaur: I don't watch that show.

Charmander: Okay.

Donny Osmond: Just have them call my agent, talk to my attorneys, we'll set something up.

Bulbasaur: I'm sure we can do this ourselves, Donny. This isn't our first barbecue.

Donny Osmond: Okay.

Bulbasaur: Hey, Donny, Donny, Donny, hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey, Donny!

Donny Osmond: What?

Bulbasaur: (quieter) Where do we go when we die?

(Alarm bell starts ringing)

Bulbasaur & Squirtle: Fire Drill!

(Credits roll, alarm bell continues to ring)

Bulbasaur: (sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh!"     Hello again! storyteller51 here, to remind you that I’m open to suggestions. Anything at all! Read, review and request!