Princess Mononoke Fan Fiction ❯ A Reason to Let Go ❯ Chapter 5

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn

Part 5

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It was raining, and the Emishi village lay shrouded in fog. The red elk pawed the ground and shook her dripping body. Water droplets sprayed everywhere, but Kaya paid the elk no mind. The girl was looking down at the village as Ashitaka had done the night before. She knew he shared the same sadness - they had both lost their home and their lives together because of the demon curse. Their people had turned their backs on them. She and Ashitaka were their children, and the Emishi had cast them aside like lepers.

Without warning, the dark anger began to overwhelm Kaya and the ghost snakes appeared. The red elk backed away nervously, and the girl saw with horror that the grass beneath her feet were wilting a little from her presence. "No!" she cried, terrified. She had to control the demon before it took over. Collapsing onto the ground, she curled up and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it..."

Kaya stayed that way for a long time until she felt the elk nuzzle her arm. She slowly sat up and saw that the ghost snakes were gone. The grass she lay on was merely crumpled, nothing more - she had only imagined it was wilted. "Naoka," she whispered, rubbing the soft neck. The elk was the only friend she had left - the only one who had stayed with her. Kaya had given up on almost everything else, but she would never give up on Naoka's loyalty.

Ashitaka was right - the curse hadn't yet claimed her completely. It was a dull bitterness that she felt all the time, and it could flare up into the dark anger at any moment. Kaya hated her people for betraying her, and she especially hated the Lady Eboshi for taking her life away from her. As for Ashitaka, she wasn't sure what she felt towards him. By marrying another and protecting Eboshi, he had also betrayed her. She still loved him, of course. She had always loved him.

Kaya's first memories of Ashitaka were of playing with him and the other children. The older boys would often explore the forest that surrounded the village, and she had insisted on following them even though she was too young and a girl. Ashitaka was the only one who hadn't minded her tagging along, and he had always looked out for her. Kaya loved him as a sister then, calling him her Anisama. They grew up together under the tutelage of Jii-San and Hii-Sama. Jii-San taught them how to fight, fish, and hunt while Hii-Sama educated them in letters and numbers. The wisewoman had just introduced Kaya to healing and the magic arts when the girl began to realize that Ashitaka was becoming more than just a brother to her. She didn't really know exactly when it happened, but she did remember a certain day when Ashitaka had come to fetch her to Hii-Sama. Kaya was dirty from working in the fields, and she felt an embarassed flush creep over her face when she saw him. She didn't know why she should feel embarassed to have him see her sweaty and dirty, for he had often seen her that way.

It was not long before Ashitaka was constantly in her thoughts. He was kind, smart, and strong; he probably would have been the greatest leader their people would ever know. For as much as Kaya had come to love him, she hadn't been sure how he felt about her. She knew he cared for her, but he always called her his 'little sister' - a title she once loved but was quickly getting annoyed with. Kaya had wished she wasn't so much younger than he was, for if they were the same age then he might have seen her differently. Ashitaka was also very quiet and self-contained, so it was very hard sometimes to guess what he was feeling or thinking. One day their families agreed that she and Ashitaka should marry when she came of age, and Kaya was so very happy to know that she would be his wife. Ashitaka had also been happy, and she knew then that he must love her.

Then the demon boar came out from the woods.

That night she went to him and gave him the crystal dagger she had planned to give him when she was older. Ashitaka showed no fear or sadness about leaving his people. Kaya had admired his strength, but wondered if he felt the same anguish behind that calm expression. Would he miss her as much as she already missed him? The only answer he gave her was: 'Kaya, you know I will never forget you.' This had given her comfort, but they were not quite the words she longed to hear. She had almost asked him to take her with him, and had very nearly done so. Before she could work up enough courage to speak, Ashitaka urged Yakkul on and he vanished into the night - and out of her life.

The suffering of the Emishi did not end with the loss of their prince. Some time had passed when they were suddenly stricken by plague and famine. People became sick with fever and weakness, animals died, the fish disappeared, and the soil could no longer provide the harvest. The few men and women who stayed healthy had to travel far to find food for their people. Kaya helped the wisewoman mix medicines and take care of the sick until she, too, came down with the illness. Unable to stop her body from shaking, Kaya sweated with fever and could barely draw a breath. Mostly, though, there was pain - a horrible burning pain that ate its way inside her and turned her thoughts towards vengeance. Kaya's life had ended when Ashitaka left her. Her love was gone forever, and she knew he must be dead. She would never see him again. She would always be alone. Her people, the Emishi, were dying from a terrible plague that Hii-Sama said was somehow caused by the dead flesh of the boar god. First the demon cursed their prince, then he poisoned them. The boar god surely had made very good on his promise to make them suffer as he had suffered.

Someone had done this to Kaya and her people. The boar did not just become a demon all on his own; someone had made him that way by torturing him with the iron ball. They sent him to destroy her village. They sent him to destroy her Ashitaka. They sent him to destroy her life.

For the first time she could remember, Kaya truly knew what it was to hate. She hated this unknown enemy with such a passion that a new power took over and made her well again. It was the dark anger, and it gave her strength and speed - the powers of a demon. Hii-Sama warned her that if she left, then their law would forbid her from returning. Kaya no longer cared what became of her, she only cared about killing the person who had killed everything she had ever loved.

But Kaya did not expect that person to be a woman close to childbirth, nor did she expect the woman's protector to be Ashitaka - very much alive and very married. She knew she had been a fool for sparing Eboshi, but something inside her couldn't let her kill the unborn child. No matter - soon she and Ashitaka would return to Taira and complete her task. What did it matter that Ashitaka had a wife and child now? He belonged to Kaya, and he wasn't strong enough to protect them. She knew she could convince him that she was right, and then they would finally be together. It was what she wanted.

But was it what Ashitaka really wanted? The logical voice in Kaya's head told her it was not so - Ashitaka had married the wolf girl and had a child with her. He had said that he would not let Kaya hurt them and that they could never have what she wanted. And Ashitaka had been cold and distant to her when they had met the night before, seeming as if he did not care that the girl he was once betrothed to - his 'little sister' - was the demon that had tried to destroy his family. But then Ashitaka had never been one to betray his emotions. Kaya knew that he did love her, for he had given up his life to save her from the boar and had told her he would never forget her. The love he felt for her had shown itself in his dark eyes that night he had left, and when Kaya closed her eyes she could still see it.

Shaking, Kaya got to her feet and cursed as she clutched her wounded shoulder. It was a bad injury, but she had managed to keep herself alive through the healing arts that Hii-Sama had taught her. The shoulder hurt her all the time, except in battle when the demon strength took over. Once again, she quietly promised the wolf girl that she would soon have the chance to feel her blade. Whistling for the elk, she said, "Come, Naoka, we must prepare for tomorrow." Kaya jumped astride the elk and the pair disappeared over the hill.

* * *

The day was nearly over and Ashitaka had expected them to come back that morning, but San did not care. She had spent the afternoon with the wisewoman while Moro stayed with the children in the village. That morning they had seen the men ride off again for fish. Hii-Sama explained that the fish were just beginning to return, but they had to fish elsewhere until their lake and river were replenished.

San enjoyed getting to know her husband's people and learning more about their customs. Never before had she felt so comfortable and friendly with humans. But she was angry with Ashitaka - after all his talk of San betraying his trust, he did not tell her that he knew the demon was Kaya - the girl he would have married. When the wisewoman had told her, she remembered the arrow and how Ashitaka had seemed to recognize the mark that was carved into it. San knew Ashitaka loved his wife and daughter and would never leave them, but he must still have feelings for the one he had left behind. She wondered just how deeply these feelings ran, and if Ashitaka was still willing to help her bring the demon down. Kaya wanted to kill her family, and for this San could not let her live.

San and Hii-Sama rode through the mists along the forest path on the backs of red elks. The wolf girl watched out for Kaya, but sensed no sign of her. She was surprised to see some Kodama clacking their heads and grinning at them from the trees. Sadly, San thought of how she rarely saw them in her own forest anymore. Those who had survived the attack of the Nightwalker's headless body no longer felt safe among mortals, so they kept themselves hidden. The tree spirits in the forest of the Emishi had never learned such a hard lesson.

"The forest is also beginning to replenish itself, just like the lake and river," the wisewoman said. "It will not be long until we can find food in our own land again."

San could feel the ancient power of the forest all around her, and she knew this was why it was able to recover so quickly from the demon's poison. All of the Emishi's land was connected to this power. With a forest such as this, it was no wonder that Ashitaka had looked upon the Moro tribe with respect.

Hii-Sama turned to San and asked suddenly, "What will you do with Kaya?"

Without hesitation, San said, "I will kill her."

Hii-Sama looked at her gravely. "You remind me of her."

"Why do you say that?"

"You have so much anger inside of you. Kaya was very angry when she left us. She was not always so, but when she was sick she let the dark anger take her and it changed her completely. Kaya loved Ashitaka, and she wants to kill the person who she thinks has taken him away."

"If you're asking me to spare Kaya, then I can't do that," San answered tensely.

"I'm only asking you to do what you think is right."

San remembered her own dark anger towards Eboshi and the humans, and the bloody ways in which she had dealt with them. In Iron Town, she still felt the icy glares of the women who had lost their husbands in those battles. Was it right for San to punish someone for acts that she herself had committed? But this was different ... this time it was her own family that could be lost.

At dusk, the women returned to the village where supper was being prepared. The rain had stopped and the sky was clear, so the people lit lanterns and gathered in the garden to eat and share stories. San and Hii-Sama went to the old woman's hut to find warmer clothing. A dark figure was waiting for them.

"Kaya?" Hii-Sama whispered.

"No, it's Ashitaka," came the soft reply. He stepped forward and lowered his mask, his face looking very unsure.

The wisewoman smiled, her eyes filling with tears. "Come here, my prince." Ashitaka bent down and embraced her, and San could see the joy light up his face. "San said you were alive, and I could not believe it. Even now, I cannot."

He drew away from her. "Why didn't you send for me when you needed me?"

"You know it was forbidden."

"Our law forbids you from speaking to me, yet you are breaking it, Hii-Sama."

The old woman shook her head. "I cannot help but break it. Please, do not blame yourself for what happened to us. It was not your fault." She looked at him sharply. "How did you know of our troubles?"

"Kaya told me. Hii-Sama, what happened to her?" he asked desperately. "How did she become a demon?"

"Kaya mourned you as a widow, and then the sickness poisoned her with anger and hatred. She is not yet a full demon, but the dark anger will soon claim her forever." Hii-Sama bowed her head in grief.

"Is she cursed like I was? Is she going to die?"

"It is hard to say, but if she lets the anger take her then she will die." Hii-Sama gestured towards San and said, "You have come for your wife, then, Ashitaka?"

Ashitaka finally looked at San, as if seeing her for the first time. He quickly went to her and drew her into his arms. "I'm sorry, my love, I'm sorry." Ashitaka was trembling, and San's anger melted away. In the short time of a day he found out that his people had all nearly died and the girl he had loved was gone. Never before had he openly showed such grief, and it touched San deeply.

"I think this may be only the second time I have ever seen you cry," San said softly, brushing away some loose strands of his hair. She said nothing of what had to be done, knowing that he could not hear it now.

Just then, Jii-San came into the hut and said, "Hii-Sama, you and San must come and join us." Ashitaka quickly backed away and pulled up his mask. "Who is that?" the old warrior demanded.

"My husband came to find me," San answered. "We're leaving now."

"Well, then, I'd like to meet him!" Walking over to Ashitaka, he said, "Your wife and daughter have been our welcome guests, sir."

"Thank you for taking such good care of them," the young warrior replied, his voice strained.

Jii-San stared at the dark eyes, then looked down at the faded purple mark on Ashitaka's right hand. Visibly shaken, the old man drew in a breath and mumbled, "I am glad to see you." He quickly turned and left.

Ashitaka stared after him, and Hii-Sama said, "Jii-San has never come so close to breaking our law. You should be honored, my prince."

"I am," he said softly. "San, we should go now. I shouldn't be here."

"You and your family will stay in my hut for the night, and you will leave before dawn," the wisewoman said firmly. "You will spend one more night in your village, Ashitaka."

Ashitaka was about to protest, but then quietly agreed. Removing the cloak and mask, he sat down with San by the table as Hii-Sama moved off to prepare some supper. Alone with her husband, San put her arms around him and he leaned into her embrace. "Are you all right, love?" she whispered.

"I should have been here for them. I left them to die ..."

"No, love, you left to meet your fate. You did what you had to do, and everyone here knows that. They all think you're dead, and they still grieve for you. Until I met you and your people, I never knew humans could have such loyalty for one another."

"Their loyalty is to someone who should be dead," Ashitaka said bitterly.

"Don't say that!" she said sharply. "You disgrace the respect they have shown for you."

"I'm sorry," Ashitaka whispered. "You're right."

They said nothing for a few minutes, then San quietly said, "The Emishi are very strong. They survived when the emperor tried to destroy them long ago, and they have survived this. The sickness is gone now, and the land is growing stronger. Your people are going to be all right, Ashitaka."

She tightened her arms around him, and he sighed and leaned further back against her. "I wish I could see my mother in her garden," he said. "That's where I always see her when I remember her. And my father ... I think of him riding his elk along the path to the watchtower. I wish I could see him too." Ashitaka fell silent, then added, "I have never blamed Eboshi for what happened to me, and I don't blame her now for what happened to my village. She has only been carrying out her part in fate's plan. I don't blame her, not like ... not like Kaya does."

San stiffened, and the anger and jealousy slowly began to creep back in. "Why didn't you tell me Kaya was the demon?"

"I wanted to meet with her alone. I had hoped I could convince her to stop all this," Ashitaka replied.

"Do you still love her?" San asked harshly.

"What?" He turned and looked at her, and she swore she saw something like guilt in his eyes.

"Do you love her?" This time softer, not so harsh.

"I love my 'little sister' as much as I ever have," he answered, looking into her eyes. "And I love my wife as much as I ever have." He caressed her cheek, and she leaned forward and held him close.

"Of course you do," San said softly.

"I'm a fool, aren't I?"

San shook her head. "You're not a fool, but you mustn't let this keep you from doing what needs to be done."

"I don't know if I can kill her, San."

She drew away from him a little. "Kaya has threatened our daughter. The demon power will soon take her and she'll kill anyone who stands in her way."

"But it's Kaya," he whispered.

"You alone must make your decision, love, but I think that the girl you told me about would not like what she has become," San said gently.

"You know how much I love you, don't you?" he whispered, not looking at her.

"Yes," came her soft reply.

Just then, Moro came in and squealed with delight when she saw her parents. "Father! I didn't know you would be here!"

Ashitaka smiled and held his arms out to her, and the little girl ran into them. "How's my little wolf?"

"It's fun here, we went to the field and picked herbs for Hii-Sama and ..." She paused to think, then continued, " ... and we played by the river."

He laughed and hugged her. "I'm glad you like it here. This is where I grew up."

"It is?! Why did you leave?"

Ashitaka paused, then answered, "I left so I could meet your mother."

"Oh," Moro replied knowingly. She knew her mother was a very good reason for anyone to leave this fun place.

As the small family talked over their meal, San watched Ashitaka relax a little as Hii-Sama assured him that everything was all right in their village. They were able to provide for themselves again, and young people were being married while new children were being born. San admired their ability to survive and move on, and she could see that Ashitaka was comforted by what the wisewoman said. That night, she and Ashitaka slept peacefully with Moro nestled between them.

San woke the next morning to see Ashitaka tying his cloak around his shoulders. She started to get up, but he smiled and said, "Sleep awhile longer, San. I'll meet you later in the woods."

"Be careful."

"Your brothers are waiting for me. I'll be all right." He gave her a quick kiss and left. San snuggled back down with Moro, who was fast asleep beside her. The little girl's chest rose and fell steadily, and San looked upon her with love and pride as she slowly drifted back to sleep.

She dreamed she was still trapped by Lord Okkoto, who had become a demon, and she was buried in a thick forest of writhing snakes. She burned, and with horror she realized they were starting to come out of her. "No! I don't want to become a demon! Please, stop Okkoto!" There was so much pain and anger and hatred - San was drowning and no one would ever find her ...

San sat up with a stifled cry. Remembering where she was, she looked down and saw that Moro was gone. Hii-Sama quickly came in and said, "Are you all right child?"

"Yes, it was a bad dream," San answered, looking down at her arms as if expecting to see the snakes. "Where is Moro?"

"She woke up and went to play outside."

"I'll go find her - we should be leaving soon." San went outside and looked for her daughter. Squinting in the sunlight, she calmed her sudden fear when she couldn't see her. She found Moro's scent, and she patiently followed it's weaving trail through the village.

San stopped cold when she came upon the demon's scent, then turned and raced back to the wisewoman's hut.

"San, what's wrong?" Hii-Sama asked urgently.

Not bothering to answer, San found her dagger and ran back outside, following the scent into the woods. She still wore the shift Hii-Sama had given her to sleep in, but she paid no attention as the branches caught on the thin fabric. Grimly she knew that she would probably be too late, and she swore that Kaya would soon follow her daughter in death.

* * *

A red elk carrying two riders made its way along the top of a hill. Kaya rode silently behind Moro as the little girl chattered excitedly about Kodama and about how she hardly ever saw them at home and how she couldn't wait for Kaya to show them to her. Kaya tried to focus on her true purpose for bringing Moro here, which was to free Ashitaka from his marriage so he could be hers once again. Somehow he had found a woman who had unnatural powers not unlike her own, and the only way she could defeat San was to kill her daughter. Surely by now the wolf girl had woken to find her daughter was missing and was coming after them. The wolves were not with her; and when San found Moro dead, her blind rage would make her easy to kill. Kaya would rather let the child live, but an advantage was an advantage and she had to take it.

Moro twisted around and looked at Kaya. "Are you sick?"

"No."

"You look sick. The Kodama will make you better. They made my father better."

"Did they?"

"It was the bigger Kodama - in my mother's forest. This is Father's forest."

"Yes."

"Do you know my father?"

"Yes."

"He left," Moro said sadly. "I miss him."

"So do I," Kaya replied. "We're here." They had come to the place Kaya knew very well from her childhood, and she slid down from the elk's back and lowered Moro gently to the ground. Below them lay a shallow stretch of valley where hundreds of Kodama sat clacking to each other in the trees. The little girl giggled and was transfixed by the sight. "Will Mother be here soon?"

"Yes, very soon," Kaya answered softly, moving to kneel down behind her. Placing a hand on Moro's shoulder, she reached down to her belt and drew her dagger.

to be continued