Princess Mononoke Fan Fiction ❯ A Reason to Let Go ❯ Chapter 4

A Reason to Let Go

by tbossjenn

Part 4

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Ashitaka raced after San, determined to make her return Moro to Taira. He knew San felt she had to protect them, but she had to see that she was only putting the girl in greater danger. The young warrior soon caught up to the wolves, and he shouted, "Take her back, San!"

San turned her head to look at him. The wind was blowing her short hair aside, and her face was fixed with a look of defiance. "I'm not leaving her, Ashitaka!"

"We can't have her with us! Stop this now!"

She motioned for the wolves to stop, and sliding down from her brother's back, she said, "You didn't see what I saw last night."

"What did you see?"

"Last night I dreamed the demon killed everyone in Taira. Both of you were dead because I wasn't there to stop it."

"A dream, San. It was a dream."

"It could come true. I told you before, I'm the only one who can protect Moro. I won't take the chance of leaving her behind with no real protection."

Ashitaka looked away and said, "You know we are going out to find the demon. By doing this, you are taking our daughter right to him."

"My brothers will help guard her. It's better than leaving her."

Ashitaka shook his head. "Not this time, San." He walked over to where Moro and the wolves were watching. The wolves growled as he approached. "Let me have Moro."

"Father, what's wrong?"

"San wants her with us," one of the wolves said.

"Moro's not safe," Ashitaka replied. "I'm taking her back." He came closer, but the wolves growled louder.

"San says she stays with us."

"Give her to me!" Ashitaka said.

"Father!" The little girl reached out her hand, but the wolf who carried her backed away while the other one kept Ashitaka from getting to his daughter.

"Moro belongs to the wolf tribe, human; and San is her mother," the wolf snarled. "San decides what to do with her!"

"We will not let you take her," the other wolf said.

Letting out a frustrated cry, the young warrior turned his back on the wolves and went to Yakkul. The family continued to track the demon, but Ashitaka barely spoke or looked at his wife.

The wolves followed the demon's scent to the east for several weeks. One day they came upon a small village, and the wolves stayed hidden with Moro in the woods while Ashitaka and San went to buy some food. San walked beside Yakkul, and Ashitaka kept his eyes carefully trained on the road ahead. He hated fighting with her - hated being angry with her. The young man knew San was doing only what she thought was right, but he did not like being left out of the decisions being made about his daughter's safety. As they entered the village, some people on the road gasped and quickly ran from them. Others stopped and simply stared at them. It was not unlike his first encounters with people after leaving his Emishi home, but somehow this was different.

They stopped beside an old man selling food, and Ashitaka slid down from the elk's back and said, "Hello, friend. I was hoping I could buy some of your rice."

The man looked at him warily. "I suppose you'll be paying with a gold nugget."

"No, I have money," Ashitaka replied, surprised. "But what's this you say about gold?"

"Just how many creatures are there like you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, friend. I'm just a traveller, and this is my wife."

The man said, "Another man has passed through here; a very strange young man in black who rode a red elk."

Ashitaka caught his breath, then answered, "I don't know what kind of trouble this stranger caused you, but I just want to buy some food."

"He caused no trouble, but there was something very bad about him. He went on his way, and I suggest you do the same." Ashitaka paid the man, then he and San quickly rejoined the wolves. He saw the concern on his wife's face, but could not yet bring himself to go to her.

* * *

San settled Moro down for the night and sat beside her until the girl fell asleep. Moro had cried and complained about not being allowed to stay in Taira and play with Yukio, but she had eventually fallen silent. The family had spent a great deal of time travelling across rocky mountain paths, and San could tell it had been hard on Moro. San had grown up to be as hardy as any wolf and Ashitaka was a strong man, but Moro was still only a very small girl.

Ashitaka ...

San glanced at her husband, who was removing Yakkul's saddle. Reaching up to scratch under the elk's throat, he spoke softly and smiled at his old friend. Yakkul turned and rubbed his head against Ashitaka's shoulder in return. San ached to go to Ashitaka and hold him close the way she had done a thousand times before. He was so very angry with her, and she knew he had every right to be. She had all but stolen his daughter from him. San sniffed the air but did not smell the demon's close presence. The sounds of the night forest echoed all around them now, and she took comfort in knowing that if the demon did come then the birds and insects would stop their music to warn them.

The moon was bright and full in the sky, reminding San of the nights she had spent sneaking into Ashitaka's hut so she could look at the young man she had once hated but had come to love. In the past weeks he had barely said more than five words to her. San blinked her tears away - crying was for human women. She was a wolf.

She missed his voice, and his touch.

The moon also caught Ashitaka's attention, for he leaned against a tree and gazed up at it. San went to him and stood behind him. "Do you remember our first night together?" she asked softly.

Ashitaka said nothing.

"The moon was like this that night, it lit up everything like it was day. You woke up and told me you loved me. I saw your face, and I knew it was true."

"Now I see your face, San," Ashitaka said. "Why did you betray me like that?" His words were full of anguish, and they made her feel just how much she had hurt him.

"I'm not going to say I'm sorry for what I did, but I am sorry you're so angry," she said softly. "Please don't do this, Ashitaka. Please." He glanced at her, then started back towards the fire. San felt the tears again, but this time she didn't think to brush them away. "Please!"

She had never begged him for anything before. Knowing this, Ashitaka quickly went to San and held her close.

"I had to, can't you see that?" she asked.

"No, I can't see what you and the wolves see. I wish I could."

Ashitaka spoke no words of forgiveness, but he didn't have to. For San, it was enough for him to open himself up to her again.

* * *

The next morning, San was going through her pouch when she came across the arrow she had saved from their last fight with the demon. "Ashitaka, look at this. It's made like one of yours."

He took it from her and examined it. "You're right. This is a stone arrowhead."

San said nothing for a moment, then quietly asked, "Do other people besides the Emishi make their arrows this way?"

"I don't know." Ashitaka was still gazing at the arrow, his thumb rubbing against a marking that had been carved into the wooden shaft. "The demon is from my village, San, and he's leading us there."

"Are you sure?"

He got up and went to Yakkul. Patting his friend's neck, he answered, "Awhile back I recognized this as Nago's trail - the one I followed when he cursed me. I'm also the second person to be seen riding a red elk."

"If the demon is taking us to your village, we must get ahead of him and warn your people."

"I'm dead to them now. I can never go back."

San went to him and put her arms around his shoulders. "Surely they wouldn't turn you away, my love."

"It's our law, they have no choice."

San was suddenly angry at the Emishi for treating her Ashitaka like that, but she knew criticizing them would not help him. "I will go for you."

"You can't tell them you're my wife."

"I won't. And I'll take Moro with me."

"Why?"

"I think they should see your daughter, even if they won't know who she is."

Several days later, San led Moro down the hillside towards the Emishi village. It was a beautiful place, and she could hear the laughing voices of the people echo up from the valley. Seeing a man walking along the path, she raised her hand and waved to him. He waved back, but looked at her strangely. As San and Moro approached, the wolf girl knew he didn't trust them. "My daughter and I got lost in the woods. "Could you give us a place to stay for the night?"

"Where are you from?"

"We're from the west. We were travelling with a group but we were separated. I hate for us to trouble you but it'll be dark soon and this is the only village I've seen all day."

The man eyed her suspiciously. "What is wrong with your face? Why do you have those marks?"

San unconsciously touched the tattoo on her cheek. "They're the marks of my tribe."

"We don't like strangers here. You'll have to find someplace else."

"Please, there is no place else."

"I'm sorry."

"Would you have my daughter wander helpless in those woods at night?" San asked.

He looked down at the little girl, who gave him a gap-toothed grin in return. With a sigh, he answered, "All right, come with me. You will stay the night, then you will leave."

"Thank you. My name is San and this is Moro."

"I'm Jii-San." As they walked on towards the village, he turned to San and said, "You must forgive me. We are secluded here, and we tend not to trust strangers who come out of the forest."

"Why?"

"Several years ago our prince was killed by a demon from the forest." His voice was full of grief, and San remembered the stories Ashitaka had told her about this man who had shown him how to hunt and fight. Later she would tell her husband she had met him.

The village was full of life - the Emishi were preparing their suppers while their children played outside. With her mother's permission, Moro quickly joined them. San saw that the girl looked very much like the other Emishi children, and wished she could tell Jii-San that Moro was Ashitaka's daughter. She wished she could tell him that Ashitaka himself was alive, for that would give the older man great comfort. Instead, San kept quiet and was content to watch Moro. The women were singing a song as they made their way through the little streets with freshly caught fish, and San smiled as she recognized the words. She resisted the temptation to sing with them.

Despite the peace, she couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be fewer people living there than Ashitaka had described. There should have been more children. But then, of course, others may have decided to move on as Ashitaka had done. A group of fishermen rode past her on red elks, and they were all but draped over their mounts in exhaustion. There was happiness, yes, but something about this village was wrong. She sensed a faint darkness, like the traces of a stain that could not be washed out.

Jii-San gently touched San's shoulder and said, "This is our wisewoman, Hii-Sama."

A little old woman smiled up her, and San immediately felt her magic. Bowing a little, she said, "I am pleased to meet you, Hii-Sama."

"As I am to meet you." The wisewoman seemed to look right through her, and San knew she was special as Moro and the animal gods had been.

The entire village ate together, and San and Moro sat with Jii-San and the wisewoman. Hii-Sama said very little, but kept her sharp eyes trained on Moro.

"Where are you from, San?" Jii-San asked curiously.

"I come from a village far to the west. My people and I followed some game up here." Not exactly a lie.

"Where is your husband?" Hii-Sama asked.

"What?"

"It is not the custom for a woman and her child to travel alone, especially without the husband."

"My husband had to stay home - he was sick."

"A shame. I would like to have seen the father of your little girl," the wisewoman answered thoughtfully.

San and Moro spent the night in the wise woman's hut, and just after San put Moro to bed she heard the tired old voice behind her say, "She is Ashitaka's daughter, isn't she?"

Startled, San said, "How did you know?"

"Moro looks very much like our prince. I should know - I was the first to hold him when he was born and I watched him grow into a man. You are his wife?"

"Yes."

The old woman nodded in approval. "You are a strong young woman; he made a fine choice."

"You should know that his curse was lifted. He's still alive."

With a small smile, Hii-Sama whispered, "Our prince is still alive."

"Please don't send us away, I have something important to tell you."

"I will not send you away, child; but you must not reveal your identity to the others. Our law would forbid them from talking to you because he is dead to us."

"Why did you break your own law?" San asked softly.

The wise woman gently touched the head of the sleeping Moro. "I wanted to know for sure that your daughter was one of our people. It was a dark day when our prince left us, and the days after were darker still. There was a strange illness; many of us died from it. It also affected the plants and animals here - we had trouble finding food."

San shook her head with sadness. "All this time, Ashitaka thought his people were safe. If we had known, we could have done something."

"There was nothing he could have done. Come, I want to show you something." She led San outside, past the wall to the hill that was above the village. A large mound rose from the earth, and San realized it was Nago's burial place. "This is where the angry boar god fell; killed by Ashitaka," the wise woman said. "We raised this mound and performed funeral rites, but the evil that was in him infected us as well."

"How?"

"I don't know. We know so little about the true nature of demons, but it seems their evil can be poisonous even after they're dead."

"Hii-Sama, a demon is trying to kill my family, and he is Emishi," San said urgently. "He led us here, and I'm afraid he's going to attack your village."

"Thank you for warning me, but I know the demon will not harm us."

"How can you know for sure?"

"The demon is a child from my village, so I know what is truly in her heart," the wisewoman answered.

"Her heart?"

*****

Ashitaka sat by his fire, which was beginnning to burn low. The wind blew the smoke eastward as the young warrior gazed at the Emishi village that lay in the valley below. The wolves lifted their heads and growled. "It's all right," Ashitaka said. "I want you to be out of sight, but be ready in case I have need of you."

"Are you sure? San wouldn't like it."

"I'm sure." The wolves got up and went into the brush. Ashitaka remained by the fire, still looking down at his home.

"I'm surprised your wife went without you, Ashitaka," a soft voice said. The demon walked out from the trees and stopped a few feet away from Ashitaka, looking at him warily.

"Hello, Kaya."

The demon pulled down the mask, revealing the tired face of a young woman. "So you do remember my mark."

"I don't know anyone else who carves frogs into their arrows."

"I wanted to see if you remembered."

Ashitaka stood up and said, "Of course I remember. I promised I would never forget you, didn't I?"

Kaya's face hardened, and she said harshly, "Then why did you marry someone else?"

"I love her," he answered quietly.

"You loved me once, too. What happened to that?"

"I still love you, Kaya. You never stopped being my 'little sister'."

"There was supposed to be more than that, my Anisama. We were supposed to marry, and you were going to take your place as leader of our tribe," she said bitterly. "But then that pig came out of the forest and destroyed all of it."

Ashitaka knew that whatever he said to her would not give her comfort. All that Kaya had once looked forward to in her life was wiped out the instant the demon boar touched his arm. "Why did you bring us here?" he finally asked.

"I wanted you to see what happened to us. We all got sick after you left," she answered. "People died all around me. There wasn't any food. I knew I had to kill the person who did it."

Ashitaka realized that Kaya was now what he himself could have become - a creature consumed by rage and despair. But would he have spared a pregnant woman if the curse had taken control of him? "Kaya, listen to me. You can fight the evil inside you."

Kaya said, "There is nothing left of me anymore; I have only my vengeance. The Lady Eboshi will have her baby soon - I don't have to wait long."

"Don't you see? A real demon would kill Eboshi and her unborn child without a second thought."

"I am a demon, Ashitaka!" Kaya burst out. "The rotten flesh of the boar god saw to that." The haunted look in her eyes pierced his soul. "Why do you protect Eboshi?"

"I've always tried to keep the peace, you know that."

"Then you must kill me, for otherwise there will be no peaceful ending."

"Kaya, Eboshi's death would change nothing."

"You know, after I kill the woman I was planning to kill myself," Kaya said softly, coming a little closer. She looked at him with an expression of wonder. "Hii-Sama told us you would die - that there was no hope for you. But you're alive, Anisama, and we can be together now."

"I do love you, Kaya; you'll always be my 'little sister'," Ashitaka answered, his heart breaking. "But we can never be together the way you want."

"Yes, we can," she said firmly, backing away from him. The ghost tendrils appeared and began to twist about her body.

Ashitaka drew his sword and said in a low voice, "I won't let you hurt my family."

"How will you stop me, my love?" In an instant, she was beside him and she struck him hard in the side with her fist. Stunned, Ashitaka fell heavily to the ground. The wolves sprang from the bushes, but Kaya leaped into the trees and disappeared into the forest.

to be continued

Author's Note: Okay, before I start getting indignant messages telling me Ashitaka and Kaya are brother and sister, let me explain. The Princess Mononoke section at nausicaa.net ( The Hayao Miyazaki Web) says that Kaya calls him 'brother' as a honorary title, but they are not actually related. Here's the quote from the site:

"The knife, called "Gyoku no Kodachi", is a symbol of one's eternal love for the girls of Ashitaka's village. Kaya calls Ashitaka "Anisama" (older brother), but according to Miyazaki, this is a honorific for an older male in the village. She is not his blood sister."

Anyways, that's why I keep putting them into an incestuous relationship together. I should have explained this in "Waking Up" because I caught a little flak when I wrote in there that Ashitaka and Kaya would have been married if he had stayed put. I guess they became siblings in the English version because Americans are easily confused. I dunno.