Princess Mononoke Fan Fiction ❯ Waking Up ❯ Words Exchanged ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Waking Up III: Words Exchanged
by tbossjenn
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"Hello Ashitaka; San," Lady Eboshi said. "Thank you for coming."
"My lady, Gonza says that Iron Town is at war with the emperor," Ashitaka replied. San, standing by his side, said nothing.
"Gonza has embellished the facts a bit, as usual," the lady said, sparing her captain a withering glance. "I have received a message from Jiko that Lord Osano is on his way to see the emperor. Osano still wants Iron Town, but the Nightwalker wiped out his entire army. He's going to ask the emperor for a new one, along with his blessing."
"Are you sure you can trust Jiko's word?"
"Fairly sure. We parted on good terms. Besides, if Jiko is my enemy then he wouldn't have bothered to warn me. I'm more concerned about his news. If Lord Osano gains the emperor's favor, then I'm not sure if I can contest him."
"Who is this emperor? What is his power?" San demanded.
"Well, well, the wolf girl has a voice. The emperor rules over the whole of the island."
Raising an eyebrow, San said, "Island?"
"Yes. In essence, the emporer has authority over this land and its people. Over you and I."
"No one has power over me."
"Perhaps not." Glancing over at Ashitaka, Eboshi added, "But then I wouldn't be so sure. At any rate, if Osano is successful then there may be very little I can do."
"What does all this have to do with us?" San asked.
"If Osano gets the town, then he will want the iron that lays tucked away under your lovely forest." San fell silent, and she glared at Eboshi with cold blue eyes.
Ashitaka rubbed San's shoulders reassuringly, then asked, "What do you plan to do?"
"For now, we must wait until we hear from Jiko again. I also know some people who follow the politics more closely than I. Let's find out how much power he actually has. I think it is unlikely that he would trouble himself over such a localized matter, but we must not be caught unprepared."
San shook her head and said, "Even after your truce, you humans still manage to find some way to destroy the forest. I won't help you this time! We can fend for ourselves!" San turned and stalked angrily out of the hall.
"Stupid wolf girl," Eboshi muttered. "Are you going after her?"
"No, it's best to leave her alone when she's like this. I can find her later."
"Will you help us, if she will not?"
"I'm sorry, but my loyalty is to San," Ashitaka answered. "I will not betray her, but I will speak to her."
* * *
San ran through the town, out the gates and up the hilly countryside to the place where her brothers waited for her. "Brothers!" she gasped happily, flinging her arms around the necks of the white wolves. They nuzzled her and growled their own greetings. Climbing onto the back of one, she said, "Please take me home, I need to go home." The three of them raced through the trees, the scenery flashing by so fast that the wind dried San's tears. She was glad for this, because she couldn't bear the thought of her brothers seeing her act so ...
human.
San wrinkled her nose at the thought, but realized that with each passing day she was becoming more like a human. She did not like this, for she was a wolf and would always be so. What was Ashitaka doing to her? San shook off this thought and instead concentrated on the powerful animal beneath her. Her brothers were so strong, so beautiful; and she again felt envy towards them. They did not have human forms or human problems to contend with. They could be themselves without having someone trying convince them they were something they were not.
The wolves reached Moro's cave, and San slipped off the wolf and walked out onto the overhanging cliff. She remembered the night she had slept in the cave with Ashitaka and how he had gotten up and walked out there in the middle of night when he thought she was asleep. Moro had advised him to jump and end it all. Would the wolf god have ever said the same to San? At the edge, San sat down and looked out over the valley. The forest was in danger again, and there were no more gods left to protect it. The woman was already devising a plan - San had seen it in her eyes. She knew that this plan somehow involved her and her brothers; and despite her current peace with the town, she did not like the idea of defending those people again. No doubt Ashitaka has already joined Eboshi's army, San thought bitterly. He loves those humans, he will do anything for them. However, she quickly chastised herself for thinking such a thing. She knew that her love was devoted to her above everything else. But he would still take Eboshi's side in this matter, and he would try in his peacemaking way to convince San to do the same. San sighed and thought, Human problems. It's always human problems.
She could remember back to the time when the forest and its lands were free of humans. Moro, San, and her brothers roamed freely as the proud wolf tribe; every living thing in the forest only had to fear the sharp fangs of a fierce animal predator, and they all stood in awe of the great Forest Spirit. But then the humans arrived, and with them came the fear of unnatural death. Death in the forest was, paradoxically, an essential part of survival. Predators, such as the wolves, killed for food. Death by human hand, however, was usually meaningless and unnecessary. Humans killed every living thing they could lay their hands on, including the sacred trees.
Including the Forest Spirit.
San had thought the nightmare was over, but now this new threat was upon them and she could think of nothing to do to stop it. Her brothers laid down behind her, and she leaned back into their soft white pelts.
"Sister," one said, "Your pretty human clothes have been torn."
San looked down at the simple kimono Ashitaka had bought for her from a traveling merchant about a week ago. Indeed, the skirt must have caught on some thorns for it was severely torn. "I suppose Ashitaka will have my head for wearing it in the forest," she replied. San did not care for the garment because it was large and it billowed when she walked. Ashitaka had encouraged her to wear it because he had taken it upon himself to teach her how to be a proper human. San longed for the simple blue dress and white skin jerkin she had worn in her carefree wolf girl days, which were not so long ago. "Brother, do you think I have changed?"
"We do not see much of you these days, San. You have been tamed by that human, I think."
"I don't want to be tamed. I want to stay the same as I always was."
"Change is natural, sister, you should not fear it. But do not lose sight of who you truly are. If your mate cares for you, then he will understand. If not, kill him."
"Brother!"
The wolf merely grinned, but San could not be sure as to whether or not he was kidding.
* * *
Ashitaka rose to greet her when she finally came home. "San, are you all right?"
"Yes, but Eboshi's news has made me so tired. Why did this have to happen now, Ashitaka?"
"The real world has the tendency to get in the way," he replied, taking her in his arms and holding her close. "But we mustn't give up hope - Eboshi said there's a good chance that Lord Osano will fail."
"He will not fail - I know it," San said bitterly. "Humans never seem to fail at getting what they want."
"Let's not talk about this now. Come, I've prepared some food for you."
"I'm not hungry, love."
"You need to eat, and we could practice with chopsticks again. You're beginning to get used to them."
San tore away from his grasp and said, "I've told you time and time again, Ashitaka - I don't want to use them. I don't need them."
Ashitaka looked surprised, but then said, "All right, I'm sorry for pushing you. But I'd still feel better if you ate something." They sat down together to eat, but a few minutes later San put down her bowl and began to pace nervously around the room. "Why are you doing that?"
"It's so small in here; it's so cramped. Why did you make the hut so small?" she asked.
"I was living here alone at the time. I suppose I should have considered future living arrangements, though."
"What's that supposed to mean? You were planning this for me all along?"
"San, I'm not sure what you're talking about ..."
"Before we became lifemates, you had already been planning to keep me here with you!"
Keeping his eyes carefully trained on her restless form, Ashitaka stood and angrily said, "I have never planned to 'keep' you anywhere, and I'm not keeping you here now." But then he softened and said, "You're upset, love. That's why you're angry."
She stopped and looked at him, uncertain. Finally, she answered, "You're right; I am upset. But there's something else. There's something wrong between us, Ashitaka."
He took her in his arms and said, "There's nothing wrong, everything's fine. It's this new threat that has us both so tense. But we'll get through this, you'll see."
She shook her head and replied, "It's not just that; it's us. The way we're pretending to be happy when there's something obviously wrong."
"You mean like how you keep things from me."
"I don't keep secrets from you."
"Then tell me where you go in the middle of the night. I would never prevent you from doing as you pleased, so why keep it a secret?"
San stood back and answered, "Because you wouldn't like it."
"Try me."
"I go hunting with my brothers, that's all. But I know you don't like killing when you don't think it's necessary."
"You're right, it is unnecessary," he said. "Why kill when we have plenty of food saved here? Needless killing is not the Emishi way."
"I enjoy hunting with my brothers. It's all I have left of my old life and I won't give it up because of your damned Emishi code of ethics! I've already given up too much!"
Ashitaka clentched his jaw, and San could tell that her remark on the Emishi had made him very angry. "What have you given up?! We live in the forest, away from humans. We visit your brothers all the time."
"It's not the same, Ashitaka. I don't like wearing these new clothes or using chopsticks or playing human."
"But don't you see how things have changed? For both of us? I need ..." Ashitaka bit his lip, then continued: "I need a wife, San. I need a home and family, and I want to have those things with you." She realized that this was the secret Ashitaka kept from her - his wish for them to build a life together. But why didn't he tell her this before? "I can't see it happening if you won't see the truth," he continued. "You're a human now; that Moro has released you from her spell so that you can live the kind of life you were meant to have."
San suppressed the rage that threatened to consume her, for normally she would have slit the throat of anyone who dared to speak badly about her mother. But this was Ashitaka, the man she still loved despite this strange argument that had seemed to materialize out of nowhere. She knew, though, that it was actually a long time coming. "It was no spell," she said firmly. "Moro was my mother - my true mother. I am human in form, but my life and spirit are those of a wolf of the forest. No matter how many kimonos you buy me or how many meals I can prepare, I will always be a wolf. Please understand this, love."
It seemed that Ashitaka was not listening, for he was staring at her throat. San looked down and saw that he was looking at the crystal dagger he had given her in exchange for his life - and as a token of his love. "Sometimes I wish you could be more like ..." he whispered, leaving his sentence unfinished. It was then San suspected that she was not the first girl to own the dagger, and her sudden jealousy made her completely lose her temper.
"I'm a wolf. Wolves kill. And I used to kill humans because they were destroying my tribe and my forest. But then you're not innocent of such crimes, are you? You're a killer the same as I am!" Ashitaka flinched as he was reminded of the time the demon curse had caused him to brutally slay samurai warriors. He tensed, and San saw an anger there that she had not seen since the curse had taken full possession of him during her fight with Lady Eboshi.
Ashitaka grabbed her arm and shouted, "You're human, and you're to be my wife! When I tell you to do something you will do it or ..." he faltered, suddenly realizing what he was saying. Regret was written all over his face, but he could not undo his words.
"I am not your wife, Ashitaka. I am better than that. I don't belong here, and I was a fool to think that I would. We've only been happy together when we were in bed. Understand that I will never be human, for I am wolf. I think I should go back to where I belong." San quickly gathered the possessions that were truly hers: the spear, headdress, and the blue dress and jerkin. She stepped out into the night and did not look back.
Ashitaka did not try to stop her.
* * *
Eboshi and her company rode through the forest towards the Sacred Pool. It was several weeks ago that she had assured the Princess Mononoke that her forest would probably not fall under attack, yet now Eboshi had to tell her that she had been wrong. Lord Osano was in the process of assembling an army that had been given to him with the emperor's blessing and would be marching towards Iron Town within a month. But there was still a chance; if only Eboshi could convince that bull-headed girl to go along with her plans. The break between San and Ashitaka didn't help matters much, either. Ashitaka would have been extremely helpful and Eboshi could have saved herself this trip. Iron Town and the forest were at peace, but she knew that many of the animals would try and tear out her throat if given the chance. This was why she had surrounded herself with guards - she could no longer defend herself as well with only one arm. The company neared the pool, but there was no sign of San and her wolves.
"What now, my lady?" Toki asked, pulling her horse close beside her.
"We wait. This pool is still sacred to San, and I'm sure she'll be here sooner or later."
"Hopefully sooner; this forest gives me the creeps," Korouku complained.
"Oh, hush! The lady doesn't want to hear your whining!"
"But sweetness ..."
Eboshi smiled at this amusing exchange between the loving couple, but then she froze and said, "Did you hear that?"
"What?" asked a guard, but then they were all startled by the small white figure that seemingly leaped down from nowhere.
"What are you doing here?" the Princess Mononoke asked.
"We've come to see you, actually," Eboshi replied. "Osano has been granted his army, and he is assembling it as we speak. I would say we have about a month before he arrives."
"You told me the emperor wouldn't be interested in your town."
"He's not interested in it; he's interested in something else." Eboshi slid off her horse and approached San, who eyed her warily.
"Be careful, my lady" cautioned one of the guards.
"It's all right, I trust her. As do Korouku and Toki." She turned her attention back to San and said, "My sources have informed me that although the emperor holds a powerful title, he does not actually hold the power in government. The shoguns are in control, and they use him like a puppet. I was right when I said he wouldn't be interested in a local dispute, for he has given Osano an army for an entirely different reason."
"Why?"
"He wants to use the power that can wipe out hundreds of men in one blow in order to wrest the power back from the shoguns."
"But that's impossible; that power disappeared when the Nightwalker died."
"Yes, we know that but Osano and the emperor do not. Osano has no doubt promised to give him this power in return for control over my iron works."
San looked at her carefully and asked, "Are you going to do anything?"
Eboshi was pleased, for this was a sign that San might be willing to help her. "Yes, I plan to raise an army of my own. The emperor's power is limited, and I can fight against it. But I will need your help."
"What can I do?"
"I know for certain that I can defeat the emperor, but his name still makes him seem as powerful as a god to many people. It will take some convincing to get them to fight against their emperor. The only entities more powerful than an emperor are spirits and gods; so we will make it known that the Princess Mononoke and the forest spirits endorse this venture. Everyone who helps us will be blessed by the gods."
"You want to use me to trick some men into volunteering for your army. Should I also make it known that you killed all the gods and spirits that were left in this forest?"
Eboshi flinched, then said, "I want to make amends for what I have done in the past. Nothing can change what has already happened, but I can still help you protect what is left of your forest. Please, you must understand that we can only get through this if we are united."
"This is all your fault. If you hadn't destroyed the spirit, then this never would have happened. I saved you people once because of Ashitaka, but I will not save you this time. We can take care of the forest without your help," San coldly replied. She began to walk away, but stopped when Toki called out to her.
"San, my lady is right about this. If we can't get an army together than there will be nothing to stop Osano's samurai; not even you," Toki said. "We're friends; if you won't trust Lady Eboshi then please trust me."
San gazed at her for a moment, then said, "I will think about it, Eboshi; but no promises." With that, she disappeared into the trees.
"Hm, that went better than I expected," Eboshi remarked. "Come on, we'd better get back before nightfall."
"Do you think she will help us, lady?" Korouku asked.
"Perhaps; perhaps not. I've done what I can to enlist her help and if she refuses then she is a fool."
* * *
There wasn't a sound in the night, and the deer calmly grazed in the open meadow. But Ashitaka knew she was there. He sat in a tree on the edge of the clearing, careful to stay downwind. Then he saw her. The Princess Mononoke rode tall and proud astride one of her wolf brothers; using the strength and speed of his legs. The wolves rushed upon the herd so quickly that the deer had little time to react. They panicked as they were rounded up by the other wolf. San leaped into the middle of them, knife in hand. A scream pierced the air. There were more cries as her wolf brothers brought down their own prey. The remaining deer leaped into the relative safety of the trees, and the animals passed by so close to Ashitaka that he could feel their fright. The Moro tribe remained in the clearing with their prizes. San stood up and rubbed some blood off her face, and Ashitaka was suddenly reminded of the very moment he had first seen her sucking the poisoned blood out of Moro's wound. She was so coarse and wild; so full of strength and power. She was so beautiful. What had ever possessed him to try and make a human out of someone who was so much more? Ashitaka wanted nothing more than to go down to her and apologize; to beg forgiveness and be blessed with her love once more. He wanted to hold her in his arms. Instead, he merely watched as the triumphant wolves carried their kill out of sight.
* * *
The afternoon air was chilly, and Ashitaka drew his cloak more securely around him. He and Yakul were riding down to Iron Town, where he was to discuss war plans with Lady Eboshi. Ashitaka was not looking forward to this new war. After he and San had saved the people of Iron Town from the Nightwalker, a truce had been forged between the humans and the creatures of the forest. Ashitaka had believed that this uneasy trust could only grow stronger, and had also believed that he and San could allow themselves to settle down happily together. This was all he really wanted: a wife, family, and a place to call home. It wasn't much, but it was his dream. He did not want another war; especially one that was not really his own. In return for the cure to the demon curse, Ashitaka had helped to end the conflict between the forest and the humans and had also helped to rebuild Iron Town. He now owed them nothing, and he was tired of playing peacemaker.
And then there was San. Ashitaka rarely saw her anymore, and it was painfully obvious that she had changed her mind about being with him. He knew that it was his own fault. He had pushed her too hard to become something she was not - something she could never be. San had been willing to share herself with him, and he had chosen to ignore the wolf in order to mold her into his idea of a perfect wife. This was a terrible mistake, for the wolf was at the very core of her being. To reject it would mean rejecting San herself. Watching her with the wolves the night before had made him realize this. He briefly wondered what things might have been like if he had brought Kaya with him. Kaya had been like a sister to him, and there was talk of marriage. Ashitaka would have been happy with her, but he could not have taken her away from everything she had ever known. Besides, the way he had cared for Kaya could not be compared to the strong love he still felt for San.
Now there was this war, and Ashitaka found himself torn between facing possible death in a war he didn't want to fight or living out the rest of his days as a hermit. Decisions, decisions, he thought to himself. He supposed there was no real choice.
He soon found himself standing, yet again, before the Lady Eboshi.
"You have decided to fight for me, then?" she asked.
"Yes; your people are my friends, and I would like to help."
"And what about San?"
"She is free to do as she pleases, but I doubt she will come."
Ashitaka felt her presence before she spoke: "I am here. What would you have of me?" He turned, and there stood San: spear in hand and wearing the magnificent wolf headdress. The crystal dagger was gone.
Eboshi smiled and said, "I'm glad you decided to join us, San. As you know, your role will be crucial. You, Ashitaka, and I will go with a company of my men to buy soldiers. It will take some persuasion to make them fight, but these people strongly believe in the powers of the nature spirits. If they see a wild girl who commands the spirits - who is a spirit herself- then we may very well win them over to our side."
"These 'spirits' you speak of have minds of their own," San replied. "I don't have any power over them."
"Maybe so, but you have more power than I and that is enough for our purposes," Eboshi answered. "As for you, Ashitaka, you have already proven yourself to be a great warrior. You will be a valuable asset to my army. We leave tomorrow morning. San, please bring your wolves with you."
"I will," San said, then she turned and left.
"By the gods, Ashitaka, what has happened between the two of you?"
Ashitaka, who had been gazing at the girl's retreating figure, turned his tired eyes back on the lady and said nothing.

to be continued