Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Coming Home to Roost ❯ A Cat is Fucking Fine Too ( Chapter 3 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

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Chapter 3: A Cat is Fucking Fine Too
-------------------------------------

From all the shouting and screaming going on, it must have been one heck of fight.
Concrete exploded as the heavy crack of semi-automatic weapons was contrasted by
the high pitched keening of a live blade slicing through the air repeatedly.

It really was a pity that he couldn't see any of it going on. Ranma stared up
blankly at the deceptively peaceful blue sky as the lyrical roar of Claymore Mines
going off in sequence briefly shook the ground around him. He could hear Tsuruko's
eerie battle laugh as the sharp smell of gunpowder tickled his nose. Many footsteps
fled from the direction that it had come from. A smart move considering that it was
shortly followed by the crash of yet another building whose foundations had apparently
been blown away by either his second wife's swordplay or his third wife's collection
of exotic firearms and explosives. He was fairly certain that her guitarcase rocket launcher
had blown up either the school gym or the sports equipment lockers. It was hard to tell but
those were the only two places on campus that he could think of off the top of his head
which could have that much stuff breaking and shattering without causing secondary
explosions from a gas line or something.

Fuck, he really wanted to be able to watch this fight. Sure, no matter who won, he lost.
But it would still have been something incredible to see. He could admit to a perverse
temptation in a small twisted corner of his mind that really wanted to know just how their
respective abilities would fare against each other in live combat....

'Oh yeah-'

The feeling of invisible hands suddenly grabbing onto him disrupted the guilty little mental picture
of Tsuruko and Mana oil wrestling that had started form in his mind and brought him back into the here
and now.

What felt like flaming railroad spikes of steel smashed into his abdomen. Ranma jackknifed forward,
mouth wide open in a silent 'O' as his hands waved wildly about before coming down to protect
his protesting middle.

"Who the hell-," He weakly growled before stopping in disbelief as his father suddenly unfaded out
of the empty space in front of him. Since when had he been able to do that? The he realized that his
Old Man had been holding out on him again.

"What the hell was that for?! And how did you-"

"You can move, can't you," Genma said bluntly.

The pigtailed martial artist blinked in surprise. Oh yeah, he was able to move now and the paralysis
seemed to be all gone. He opened his mouth to ask again about this new technique that the older man
had revealed.

"No, I'm not going to tell you about it. If things weren't so desperate as they are right now,
I'd have kept them sealed up forever."

Now *that* was a subject that Ranma had every intention of pursuing at a better time and place.

"Damnit, Old Man. You almost gave me a heart attack. For a moment I almost thought that it was-"

His eyes wide in near panic, Genma made frantic warding gestures and shushing noises.

"We do not speak of that forbidden name! Didn't you learn anything from the last time?
I think we can all agree that we've already got enough trouble without calling *her* into this!!"

The impending argument between the two of them was interrupted by a shout from Akane.

"Ranma, you have to do something!!"

He looked up at her with a neutral expression on his face.

"I am doing something. It's called staying out of the line of fire."

And to prove his point, the young man rolled over so that he was lying stomach down on the ground,
hands shading his eyes from the sun as he tried to get a fix on where the two clashing human typhoons
were at the moment. All of the explosions were kicking up an awful lot of dust and smoke and made
it impossible to tell who was winning.

"Go over there and stop them!"

The upset girl stomped closer to his position.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he calmly warned her.

Naturally his good advice was ignored. She'd covered about half the distance when a stray burst
of gunfire in their direction divested her of a good chunk of hair close to the top of her scalp.

"Told you so."

Akane blinked and stared straight ahead as stray wisps of dark follicles drifted down from her new reverse mohawk.

"My hair..."

Nabiki tackled her tramatized sister to the ground just in time to avoid the bolts of white
lightning that cut through where she had been standing. It was also enough to snap through
the upset girl's shock.

"Those Bitches shot my hair!!"

One of Ranma's eyes twitched as he fought down the sudden reflex to inflict bodily harm
on his ex-fiancee. Okay, so Akane had some justification for being upset and they were
crazy violent women of mass destruction. But damnit, that still didn't mean she could
just insult his wives like that.

"Ranma, fix this," Nabiki hissed roughly. This wasn't funny anymore. Those two women were completely insane psychopaths
who didn't seem to care that her own personal safety was being endangered by their pointless violence over an idiot
whose only redeeming value was that he was easily exploitable.

"She's right. You're the only one who can stop them," Sayuri said as Yuka nodded in agreement from under the bushes.

"You know what you have to do, Son."

Ranma made a sour face.

"Anything but that, Pops. There has to be another way," he pleaded hopelessly, resigned to the inevitable
but still muleheaded enough to go down kicking and screaming anyway.

"They'll destroy the entire district if you don't. You know that perfectly well," Genma said, his voice completely
devoid of any sympathy or pity. The boy had already made his bed, it was only fair that he lie in it too.

Grimacing, Ranma slowly got up from his prone position. Typical, everyone was only too happy to kick him when he was down
but when their own butts were on the line who did they turn to in order to put the fire out. Cautiously the pigtailed
martial artist loosened his pants and gingerly slipped a hand down inside his boxers.

He closed his eyes.

Akane's screeching denouncement of his perversion in action was promptly muffled by Genma's hand clamping down over her mouth.

*Fap**Fap**Fap*

The sounds of battle instantly came to a sudden halt.

---------------------------------

"Captain, torpedo bays are locked and loaded."

"Very good, flood the tubes and prepare to fire."

"Sir! We're being actively pinged!"

"Sonar, report!"

"Two Destroyers dead ahead!!"

"Red Alert! All Hands to Battle Stations!!"

"Captain, there's a malfunction in fire control! We can't launch!!"

"Damnit! Dive, dive!!"

"They're closing fast-wait, we've lost the signal!"

"That's impossible, we should be able to hear something at least."

"It's only us here, Sir."

"Up periscope, we need to find them quickly."

---------------------------------

Unable to bear the oppressive silence any longer, Ranma cautiously peeked one eye open.

That turned out to be a mistake.

Twin glares of burning outrage impaled him like a wiggling fish on a cutting board. Either one
of them individually upset with him was enough to make his hair stand on end, but to have their
combined predatory focus on him at the same time was a uniquely unforgettable experience.
And one he sincerely hoped he would never have to go through ever again.

'Okay, I've distracted them from fighting each other. Now what?'

"Just/Just what/what exactly/exactly do/do you/you think/think you're/you're doing/doing," they said
in eerie synch.

Ranma's mouth opened.

"Well you two seemed to be so busy that I figured I'd just have to take care of this myself."

---------------------------------

"They're right on top of us, Captain."

"Sir, the main drive just won't shut off!"

"Fuck, we're dead."

---------------------------------

As soon as the last word left his lips Ranma would have sold his soul
to have been able to take them back. What the hell had he been thinking
to throw down the gauntlet like that?! If it was one thing he and his wives
had in common, it was that they could never resist a challenge, direct or
implied.

"Is/Is that/that right/right?"

But that fire roaring up into a blaze in their eyes, the roses coming into full bloom in their cheeks
and the way their breathing had suddenly quickened in anticipation all confirmed his worst fears.
They weren't just angry anymore, they were *excited*!

"Ah, excuse me ladies."

Fortunately for him, Genma Saotome had one of those rare moments of desperate inspiration.
It wasn't that the older man was feeling especially noble or particularly cared one way
or the other if his son got what he deserved from his spouses because he wasn't and he didn't.
However the bald martial artist was aware that in the event his son managed to survive their
attentions that the boy would make good on his threat to have Genma share his pain and suffering.

"What/What do/do you/you want/want?"

Genma's forehead hit the ground as he instinctively abased himself in the Crouch of the Wild Tiger
in response to the waves of killing intent emanating from the two women.

"Forgivemyintrusionbuthismotherislookingforwardtomeetingherlovelyda ughterinlaws!"

To the elder Saotome's profound relief, he felt the sense of hostility die down and risked
a quick look upwards. Both of his son's wives looked thoughtful and he noted with some hope
that their weapons were not pointing in his general direction anymore.

"Hmmmmm/Hmmmmm."

Both women abruptly nodded as they each came to a decision.

Mana's pistols slid back into their custom holsters even as Tsuruko resheathed
her own blade back at her side.

They turned to look expectantly at Genma. The sweating older man took the hint
and started to lead the way towards the Tendo home.

"Come along dear, we're going to say hello to your mother," Tsuruko called back
to her pale faced husband, his hand still stuck in his pants.

Ranma blinked as his heartbeat started to return to a semblence of normality.

"Bu-but what about school-"

One of the exposed gas lines in the rubble that had once been a building picked that moment to explode,
sending a billowing ball of angry orange red flame high into the morning sky. The loud wail of approaching
sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Oh right. Of course, silly me."

His head bowed down in defeat, the pigtailed boy took his hand out of his pants and started to march after his wives.

---------------------------

"Oh my, you're home early today. Did something happen at school, Ranma?"

'My wives showed up and blew it apart fighting over who would be the first to chain me to the bed.
That answer your question, Kasumi? Or did you need the lurid details of their exact plans for my
young body too?'

"Yeah, you could say that. Pops already here?"

"Mr. Saotome brought some guests inside. They're very pretty."

Ranma decided to take the coward's way out and avoided answering Kasumi's unspoken question.
She would find out soon enough anyway. He trudged past the front door like a prisoner on
his way to face the gallows.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Your mother arrived early this morning."

The young man shook his head at the offered cup of cold water.

"But Ranma, you're-"

She gestured at him, indicating his distinct maleness.

"Thanks, Kasumi. But I'm not going to need it. It'll only make things more complicated right now."

He shuddered briefly as he passed by her. He was *not* looking forward to explaining any of that to them.

"If I might have a moment of your time, Saotome."

It was with an effort that he managed to stop himself from shooting Nabiki a dirty look as she slid
into view from the side. She was already fairly high up on his Shit List today. Ranma sometimes wondered
if she was constitutionally incapable of treating the situations he found himself in as anything more
then an opportunity for amusement and profit.

"What do you want," he said rudely.

"Now now, it's not what I want that's the issue here," she replied in a teasing tone
that held only the illusion of warmth within it.

The young man's eyes narrowed. He hated when she tried to dick around with him like this.

"Whatever."

He turned and started to head down the hall to the guest room.

"After all, there are already so many different needs from so many interested parties that we're dealing with here."

Ranma froze in mid-step.

"But never mind, I'm sure that a few quick phone calls will clear everything-"

Nabiki's words were cut off as Ranma pivoted, reached out and grabbed her by the collar of her school uniform
and yanked her back outside past a startled Kasumi until they were out of sight behind the tall stone wall that
bordered the Tendo's property.

"You do know that this is going to cost you, Ranma."

Nabiki's voice was dry with annoyance as she pointedly looked at the grubby hands soiling her collar.

"What did you do, Nabiki," he said, ignoring the veiled threat.

"Nothing that can't be fixed...for the right price. Say...200,000 yen."

His hands suddenly released her as if she were some particularly loathsome form of insect.

"Now will it be cash or..." she paused like a cat with a particularly juicy mouse cornered.

"...in trade?"

Left unspoken was that she fully expected him not to be able to pony up that kind of cash.
Trade was ever so much more profitable where she was concerned. Valuing services rendered
was 'flexible' since it was all up to the eye and judgement of the collector. That he might
end up in further trouble providing it was not her concern. This was business after all.
Screw or be screwed. And she could always count on Saotome to take it like a bitch.

"I'll do you one better, Nabiki. I'll pay off everything I ever have or will owe you right now."

Nabiki's eyes widened. This was not in any of her scenarios. He'd been holding out on her?!

"Well, we got a deal?"

Nabiki recomposed herself and held out her right hand, palm up.

"Of course. But you do realize that the total sum of your debt including interest comes to-"

Ranma waved his hand to cut her off. He knew that whatever number she was about to say would be
vastly inflated and that she had no real intention of honoring this deal anyway. He'd been burned
enough times by her already to know that much. But he'd give her a chance. Whether or not she decided
to listen was her problem.

"Don't lie to my wives. Don't try to outsmart them. And above all else, don't ever, *ever* piss them off."

Nabiki blinked.

"There you go. Payment in full."

Ranma turned and strided back towards the Tendo home.

Nabiki blinked again. Her outstretched hand started to tremble slightly.

"Why you...."

He'd just tried to pull a fast one on *her* of all people!?

Her hands clenched into fists.

This wasn't over.

-------------------------------

As Ranma entered the living room he immediately noticed three things.

Genma wasn't there. Neither was his mother. And the ceiling was rattling overhead.

"Uh..." He had a very bad feeling about this.

Both of his wives were seated on opposite ends of the couch and gave him matching
cheshire grins as they noticed his confusion.

"You parents are getting...reacquainted. Quite energetically, I must say."

The faint blush on Tsuruko's flawless cheeks confirmed his worst fears. He tried to clear his mind of
all thought so that the image of his parents doing *that* wouldn't enter his-Lalalalala-not thinking-
Mom and Dad naked-Make it stop-Sweaty, bed creaking-Oh Dear Gods-Right now they must be in...

"They didn't have to go into *my* room for that!"

Ah, that explained a bit. He turned to look at a sputtering redfaced Akane sitting in a chair
at the far side of the room. She was desperately looking at the pictures on the wall to keep her eyes
from wandering up *there*. Someone had apparently done a quick fix to her unexpected hair styling
in the time it had taken him to trudge back to the Tendo home. Hair on both sides of the shortened
streak had been combed over to conceal the worst of it and a few pink hair ribbons held the repairs
in place. Not the height of fashion, but a remarkable repair job given the short time frame.

He wondered if her friends had-

"What are you two doing here?" Ranma said as he pointed an accusing finger at Yuka and Sayuri.

The pair shot him perfectly innocent looks from where they sat on the floor next to a short table
with a bowl of snacks on it as they each took turns sipping hot tea from the cups in their hands.

"We decided to escort Akane home since *someone* didn't-"

"Well here she is so you both can go now."

"-and then decided to stay in order to provide her with some moral support." Yuka finished with
a touch of feminine smugness that caused a twitch to develop over Ranma's right eye.

"Now wait just a second here! This is none of your busin-"

"Husband, you're being discourteous."

The fine hairs on the back of Ranma's neck stood out on end at the warning note of reproach
in his second wife's voice.

"Yes dear," the young man said in a much more subdued tone.

Unfortunately, this also brought Akane's attention out of the things she was trying not
to think about taking place where she didn't want to think about being done by two people
she *really* didn't want to think about doing those kind of things she didn't want to think
about and caused her to finally realize for the first time that the person she blamed for
everything that had happened today was actually present.

"YOU! This is all *your* fault!"

"My fault?"

"Your *wives* destroyed the school!"

"And how is that my fault?! Are you forgetting that I was the one who put his life on the line to stop it?"

"If you weren't such a pervert then it wouldn't have happened in the first place!"

Mana turned and asked her fellow wife with a hopeful note in her voice, "He's a pervert?"

"That certainly is news to me," Tsuruko replied with some amusement.

"Pervert? I'm not the one who's always sleeping with a pig!"

"You leave P-chan out of this!"

Yuka and Sayuri's heads turned back and forth as if they were keeping score for a tennis match
as the argument raged on. They munched on their crackers as they watched the real life soap opera
that put all of the stuff on television to shame.

"Well you can just keep your little harem! As far as I'm concerned, our engagement
never happened!"

"Well seeing as I'm already married, that's kinda obvious, isn't it?," Ranma retorted loudly.

Akane's red face turned around without replying and she marched angrily towards the stairs leading
up to the second floor. There was a collective pause as the remaining occupants of the living
room all had the exact same thought simultaneously.

'But isn't that where-'

Shortly thereafter a door swung open loudly over their heads.

The ceiling suddenly stopped rattling.

Ranma swore softly to himself and clapped an unbelieving hand over his eyes.

A woman's voice drifted down faintly from above.

"Akane dear, really. You need to learn to knock before barging in on a married couple."

The youngest Tendo's ear-piercing shriek sounded a moment later.

A door slammed shut upstairs. Almost immediately the ceiling started rattling again.

Ranma absently took the cup handed to him by Kasumi. He gulped it down, wishing that
its contents were something stronger then ordinary barley tea. He could have used
a nice stiff drink or ten about now. Some nice brain bleach to erase the mental pictures
that all the noise upstairs kept popping into his head.

The sound of feet pounding rapidly down the stairs marked the return of a pale shaking Akane.

"Perverts, the whole lot of them are complete perverts..."

"Hey, you were the one dumb enough to walk in on them."

"It's different when a girl does it!"

Ranma blinked as three voices shouted back at him.

He looked back at Yuka and Sayuri and raised an eyebrow. They blushed furiously in response.
The martial artist snorted softly and then returned his attention to the no longer pale
but now furiously pink girl on the stairs.

"Since when?"

"It just is!"

Even Akane didn't look like she really believed what she was saying.

Tsuruko's melodic voice broke in, "Are all of your little friends here equally amusing, Dearest?"

Pink flared to strawberry red. Followed by a hasty retreat...upstairs.

Ranma's jaw dropped.

'Oh don't tell me-'

A door banged open.

"Damnit girl, can't you see I'm in the middle of someone here!"

Ranma blocked out all recognition of the owner of that rough voice and the hysterical screams
that followed as he concentrated with a single-minded focus on the task of placating his neglected
wives in such a way as to retain both his life and virtue for a few more precious minutes.

----------------------

Kasumi wondered if there had been something in the cooking wine she'd taken this morning
in order to relieve her lingering hangover from last night's festivities. Ranma was married?
With wives as in plural? No, she must have misheard that. Those two obviously could only be
more fiancees who'd fight with Akane over Ranma until they were defeated and then everything
would go back to the way it was until the cycle started all over again. Yes, that made much
more sense to her. She really needed to go schedule an appointment to get her hearing checked.
Why, she could almost swear that she was actually hearing Uncle Genma and Aunty Nodoka doing all
of those nasty things that she'd seen her own mother and father do when they'd thought everyone
else was asleep. But that had just been her imagination acting up back then, because mommies and
daddies weren't supposed to be naked. Or touch each other in the naughty places. So it could
not have happened at all.

But as she observed the pigtailed youth get down on both knees before the couch, his eyes shiny
with fear, the eldest Tendo daughter couldn't help but see the visual resemblence to a kicked puppy
begging for forgiveness. The sight of him so helpless and trembling down there aroused the most
unusual impulses in her. His naked appeal aimed at tugging on the heartstrings made her want
to step on him with her best pair of spike heels. And then grind down until he pleaded for mercy.

Not that she would show him any, of course. He had been so naughty for such a long time after all.
That nasty little tongue of his just simply couldn't stop provoking sweet little Akane and all those
other naughty girls into hitting him. That little wagging piece of muscle needed something to occupy it,
give it a purpose. Like licking her shoes clean. That would be good for both Ranma and Kasumi's shoes.

Yes, she could almost picture it now.

-----------------------

His wide arms planted themselves on the floor as his bald head bent down obediently to pointed toe of
her red shoe, while her other foot planted the sharp heel firmly in the back of that worn old gi he
wore all the time. The riding crop in her hands flicked out to lash across those large firm buttocks
he always flaunted around the house. Another red stripe added to the collection already decorating that
round white ass.

She could hear the whimpering coming from her little slave at the sharp sound made by her crop.
Not that he could see anything from his position. His younger bottom was propped up before her,
perfect and unmarked as of yet. Oh how long she had dreamed of this opportunity, all those times
the little slut had taunted her with their tight firmness as he'd run and jump around each morning.

Absently she licked the tip of her rod, savoring the iron taste of the fresh blood it had drawn.
Then she brought it up and out to teasingly tap the virgin flesh before her. The muscles underneath
tightened up even further, quivering in anticipation of the blow that had yet to fall.

Yes, his Mistress would clean him of the filthy thoughts she knew were in his head. And there was only
one way to do that.

She raised the riding crop up high. Then brought it down *hard*.

-----------------------

Kasumi blinked as she came back to reality. Then blushed furiously before making some noises
about getting more refreshments and retreating towards the kitchen.

Nobody else seemed to notice.

Yuka and Sayuri abruptly broke off from their written transcriptions of Ranma's groveling when
they caught sight of a frazzled Akane stumble drunkenly down the stairs. They pulled her away
from the others and directed her out of the room, carefully pumping her all the while for bits
and pieces of juicy information that the duo fully intended to circulate into the local female
gossip channels as soon as possible.

Ranma Saotome practiced the Crouch of the Wild Tiger as if his life depended on it. It probably did.

At some point during his extensive bowing and scraping the shaking and quaking of the upper floor
finally settled down. The preoccupied pigtailed martial artist didn't notice anything had changed.

Nor did his usually keen senses pick up the presence that was creeping up on him.

But he definitely noticed when it finally announced its presence.

"Meow."

"Ca-ca-CAT!!"

Mana muffled a chuckle as she watched her wayward husband go from flat on the ground with
his head bowed to airborne with handsigns warding against evil in the blink of an eye.
Perhaps it was unfair, but she had always enjoyed keeping him off balance from day one
of their relationship (which she had determined before he'd even known they were in
any kind of relationship).

"We were wondering what was taking you so long."

"I had a few errands to run on the way over."

Ranma's eyes bulged as his mouth open and closed like a fish freshly hooked out of the water.
That shiny black fur was unmistakable, those golden eyes like a demon from hell undeniable
and that deep scratchy voice he knew all too well.

"Yo. So this is where you've been hiding yourself."

The young man's mouth worked but nothing intelligable came out.

Could things possibly get any worse, he wondered.

"Oh there you are at last, Ranma!"

A rumpled Nodoka in an equally worn kimono beamed down at him from where she leaned against
the wall of the stairs for support. Behind her, a sweaty Genma gestured and made silent signs
asking for forgiveness from his son.

"Your father tells me you have an important announcement to make."

Of course they could.


-End Chapter 3



Omake! Omake! Omake!

Eye-Clawing Omake:

The ceiling suddenly stopped rattling.

Ranma swore softly to himself and clapped an unbelieving hand over his eyes.

"Akane dear, really. You need to learn to knock before barging in on a married couple."

"Growf!"

The youngest Tendo's ear-piercing shriek sounded a moment later.


My Bleeding Eyes Omake:

Could things possibly get any worse, he wondered.

"Oh there you are at last, Ranma!"

A rumpled Nodoka in an equally worn kimono beamed down at him from where she leaned against
the wall of the stairs for support. Behind her, a sweaty Genma gestured and made silent signs
asking for forgiveness from his son.

Ranma looked at his mother, then screamed in horror and started clawing at his eyes.

The kimono had slipped to reveal the black 12 inch rubber cock still strapped to her front.
And the red kanji on the side that translated roughly as 'You're my bitch now'.


Mind-Bleach Omake:

Could things possibly get any worse, he wondered.

{Oh my son! There you are at last!}

Ranma looked up and froze.

'Why is Pops holding up a sign like that in his panda form?'

And then he saw the second panda behind the first, holding up another sign.

{Sorry about this, boy. You know I can't refuse your mother anything.}

Cue scream of ultimate horror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"