Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Coming Home to Roost ❯ Attack of the Killer Pussy ( Chapter 4 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: RangerShade 
When Shit Rolls Downhill, It Accelerates.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Comedy / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 08.18.2007 | Updated On: 07.30.2008 | Pages: 8 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 4.4K | Status: Work In Progress
When Shit Rolls Downhill, It Accelerates.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Comedy / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 08.18.2007 | Updated On: 07.30.2008 | Pages: 8 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 4.4K | Status: Work In Progress
Coming Home to Roost
by Shade
Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.
Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy,
and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
-Socrates
-------------------------------------
Chapter 4: Attack of the Killer Pussy
-------------------------------------
Ranma Saotome tried desperately to think of just the right way to simultaneously
explain to his mother just how happy he was to finally be able to see her again
and stall for time in order to figure out how to defuse the live topic grenade
his father had unexpectedly tossed into his figurative lap.
"So you must be my mother-in-law."
That wasn't it.
Nodoka Saotome blinked, momentarily dumbfounded by the sight of a talking black feline.
And then slowly the meaning of the words that the distinctly deep voice had said to her
began to sink in.
Her hair suddenly flaring wildly about her, Nodoka turned on her husband.
"You married our son to a *CAT*?!"
Genma made defensive warding gestures, lacking the energy to do much else
as he cringed before the brewing storm that was his wife.
"I-I swear I-I had absolutely nothing to do with this, Nodoka!"
"Well, I see you're still alive, Genma."
"F-Forgive me, Y-Yo-Yoruichi-sama!!!"
Nodoka did a doubletake as she realized that somehow in the blink of an eye her husband had gone
from above her on the stairs to down on his hands and knees abasing himself in front of the smirking
black cat now sitting comfortably on the floor of the living room.
Yoruichi paid little attention to him, being used to this kind of behavior from people like Genma,
instead turning her attention towards her own wayward husband. He squirmed deliciously under her
unblinking gaze. Truly she had missed this enjoyable feeling of toying with him like a soft catnip mouse.
Ranma's reflexive flinch was not missed by his mother.
"Then it's true?! Y-you-" the stunned woman gestured down at him and the cat, making
increasingly more erratic movements as she turned back and forth towards one and then
the other and then back again. Her beloved son who she'd been seperated from for over
a decade was a sexual deviant?!
"Well *technically* it's true that this wasn't Pop's fault." the young man in question mumbled gloomily.
Things would have been so much simpler if they were.
"Um, hi honey," he squeaked nervously.
"Got anything to say for yourself?"
"Clemency!"
"Denied/Denied/Denied."
Ranma sagged. Well, it had been worth a try.
"But it's a CAT!!"
Even Genma lifted his head up to look up at his wife's cry. She really was having a hard time
coming to terms with this.
"Oh right, I keep forgetting about this."
Ranma looked puzzled for a moment. What did she mean she'd forgot-
And then his eyes widened as he finally got it. His spouse was not called 'The Goddess of Flash'
just for her speed alone.
"Wait! Don't!!"
Action preceeded thought. The pigtailed boy was already in mid-leap towards Yoruichi
before his brain finally managed to catch up and ask him just what the hell he was doing.
'You're jumping on your wife.'
Right. Because she's got no feminine modesty whatsoever.
'Who is currently in the form of a cat.'
Right. She's a cat and she'll be naked and-Cat? Cat?! CAT!!!
"C-ca-cA-CAAAAAAT!!!"
Having already committed his body to one course of action, it was impossible to try and change it
before landing. Never the less, Ranma tried his best to do so anyway. He didn't succeed though.
"Auuugghhhh-"
Yoruichi smiled that insufferable smile that only felines are capable of.
*BAMF*
An eruption of white smoke obscured the landing zone as Ranma touched down.
Ranma tensed, then relaxed as he realized that nothing small and furry was touching him.
Then tensed up again as he realized that something warm and very familiar *was* underneath him.
He looked down as the smoke cleared.
"Hey!? No fair, why aren't you naked?!"
The young man's outrage was almost comical as he stared into the mischievously twinkling eyes
of his first wife. The sleek dark skin of her exposed face and neck was complimented by the
form fitting black combat bodysuit and the bright orange jacket she wore over it. Her long
dark violet hair was bound up in a loose pony tail that now twisted provocatively behind her
shoulders. Her generous cleavage pressed up against his chest, even through the barriers
of cloth he could feel her warmth. He was straddling her, only his outstretched arms and legs
holding him up from a decidingly compromising position in between her spread thighs.
"You sound disappointed, Honey. Were you looking forward to our reunion so much," Yoruichi teased
as she took advantage of her husband's preoccupation with keeping himself from falling down on her
to playfully tap the tip of his nose with one slender finger.
"What did you say?!"
Naturally Akane Tendo would pick that exact moment to show up in the entranceway with her older
sister Nabiki right beside her.
"I'll just add this to your tab, Saotome."
Said sister was of course taking the opportunity to click away with her trusty handheld camera
to capture the incriminating evidence for use later. Oh yes, good old dependable Ranma had
done it again and this time she didn't feel inclined to settle for peanuts. Nobody made a fool
of Nabiki Tendo, absolutely nobody.
Ranma's face twitched as he fought to keep his already precarious balance. The muffled snickering
and chuckling from the couch told him he would find no help there. If he didn't know any better
he'd have sworn that his wives had all planned this out from the start. But of course that was
impossible-
"Time for some Sugar, Baby."
In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms around the back of the young man's neck while
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock. As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.
Akane's mouth hung open, unable to believe her eyes. The sheer unbelievable audacity of it all kept
her from moving. She hadn't been gone for more then ten minutes and that idiotic manslut was cheating on her
with yet *another* big boobed foreigner in her own house of all places!
The pigtailed martial artist's arms spasmed wildly for a few moments before seeming to finally give in
to the inevitable and surrendering into the taller woman's inescapable embrace just as the outside wall
to the room exploded.
*BOOM*
-------------------------
Three shadowy figures stepped through the circular hole as the dust from the blast began to settle.
"Airen?!"
"Ranma honey?!"
"Ranma darling?!"
Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi stared in horrified fascination at the sight before them. Their beloved
significant other was sucking face with a woman who wasn't any one of them!
"Oh my."
Kasumi came to a halt by her sisters, a tray of snacks in her hands. There was that naughty boy,
cheating on Akane again. It was so very improper what he and that woman he was on top of were doing.
Only bad girls touched boys like that and she could already tell that this new woman was very very bad.
"Bad Ranma!"
"You Jackass!!"
"Insolent wench!!"
Weapons were produced. Shampoo's traditional pair of bonbori were joined by Ukyo's trusty oversized spatula
and Kodachi's traditional black gymnastic ribbon as the three fuming young women prepared to teach the
cheater that people who play with girl's hearts go to very bad place. At least that was the intention until
the still kissing pair on the ground rolled over to put Ranma on the bottom and clearly revealed to them
for the first time the features of the woman sticking her tongue into his mouth.
"No! It can't be...Yoru-"
Kodachi's face turned as white as ghost as she took an involuntary step back. That exotic dark face, it
couldn't be her, she looked exactly the same as she had ten years ago. It was impossible....
"Ara. Why if it isn't little Ukyo. It's been such a long time."
"Geh?! Who...T-t-Tsu-TSURUKO-SAMA?!!!"
The oversized baker's peel slipped from Ukyo's nerveless hands as the chef beheld a childhood nightmare made flesh.
Before the weapon had even hit the ground she was down on her hands and knees babbling a mixture of apologies
for intruding and pleas for forgiveness.
Shampoo shot the two weak Japanese women next to her withering looks. Didn't they have any warrior's pride?
Look at them, cowering before these strange women who were obviously after her popular husband, damn him
for being so irresistable to all women! Well she would show them whose property Ranma was-
Two unblinking eyes of amber gold caught her gaze and seemed to seize her very soul. Her body froze up like
a puppet made of wood as the sheer intensity behind those piercing orbs seemed to weigh the value of her
very life in them. It was the most terrifying experience of her entire life and to the Amazon's great shame
she realized that she'd dishonored her illustrious warrior ancesters by losing control of her bladder while
being measured by this creature who seemed more demon then human.
When those eyes finally released her, Shampoo slumped to the ground like a sack of wet meal as her trembling legs
just simply gave out on her. That had not been the look of a seasoned fighter, that had been the gaze of a coldblooded killer. Just what were they really dealing with here?!
---------------------
Behind her still clicking camera, Nabiki scowled. This had not been in any of her scenarios. There should have
been fur flying and Ranma getting blamed by everyone for being a sleazy player by now. She'd made quite
sure to emphasize to the concerned parties involved that their object of desire was no doubt going to cheat on them
if they didn't come quickly and show him the error of his philandering ways. So why hadn't it worked?
The two on the floor rolled over again, having still not broken the long oral match between themselves.
"Would you two CUT THAT OUT," Akane finally screamed, unable to put up any longer with the perversion going
on under her family's roof. This was just like when Shampoo had first arrived, that *boy* was only listening to
the brain located in his pants again. She punctuated her words by grabbing the metal platter that her sister
Kasumi had been holding and throwing it with precise accuracy at the back of the pigtailed martial artist's head.
Yoruichi's liplock didn't falter in the slightest as one perfectly toned leg kicked out to intercept the
incoming frisbee, sending it flying straight up. As it came back down that same leg extended up in a display
of physics defying flexibility to catch the platter on the tips of her toes, where the round metal disc started
spinning like a top. After a few moments of this the dark skinned beauty flicked her foot back towards
where the platter had come from, sending the metal tray flying into the air once more to land into Kasumi's
still outstretched empty hands.
Kasumi blinked, unsure of what had just occurred.
Akane's jaw dropped. That wasn't supposed to happen!
Mana and Tsuruko held up little scoring signs that read '8.5' and '9.2' respectively.
The dark skinned beauty finally released her spouse's lips with a little sigh of pleasure.
"You've been practicing," she said approvingly as he eased back to let her get up.
"No! I mean, well that is...maybe a little."
Ranma twiddled his thumbs, unable to meet her amused gaze.
"But she was, he was, they were, then who are-!@*&-"
A loud *THUMP* announced that Nodoka Saotome's buffer stack had finally overflowed
as she fainted dead away onto the floor.
"I think she took that rather well, don't you," Genma said with a forced cheerfulness as he went to help his wife.
--------------------------------------
"Now my son. From the beginning."
Ranma squirmed in his seat at his mother's stern tone like an unlucky worm with a large barbed fishhook shoved up
its rear end. Flanked on either side by a watchful Yoruichi and Tsuruko while the silent threat of Mana covered the rear
and with the unhappy glares of his former fiancees/suitors from across the room, never had he wished more for an obvious distraction as much as he did right now.
"Hey now, what's going on here?"
It was almost enough to make Ranma weep real tears at the injustice of it all.
Couldn't the Kami do better then Mr. Tendo? Why did they hate him so? Why?
"Ack?! My house, what happened to my....SAOTOME!!"
[It's not my fault this time!]
Soun glared at his crouching friend, apparently unconvinced by the sign that Genma held up.
The fact that heavyset martial artist was still in human form might have had something to do
with that. But in the end Soun knew that there could be only one possibility for blame.
"Now then, Ranma. I trust you have a good explanation for all of this."
Soun's pointed finger most obviously indicated who he meant by 'all of this'.
The pigtailed young man attempted to instantaneously develop the art of spontaneous human
teleportation. Failing in that, he opened his mouth and said simply, "No, not really."
Soun paused with his mouth partially open, unsure if the boy was serious
or just being sarcastic with his deadpan tone.
Nodoka, refusing to be distracted from the issue at hand, rapped the sitting table with the
hilt of the sheathed katana at her side to get her son's attention.
"Begin."
Ranma scratched the tip of his nose nervously, uncomfortably aware that everyone's attention was
now focused on him and that there was nowhere to run. He decided that he might as well get it all
over with and drop the big bombshells first during the introductions. With any luck he might be
able to find a way out during the ensuing bloodshed and confusion. He resisted shooting an evil
look at 'Mr. Panda' who had mysteriously decided to show up and start playing innocently with
a tire in yard, visible through the hole that Shampoo had made in the wall. The *last* thing
he needed right now was the Jusenkyo curses becoming a topic of conversation.
"Um, This is Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi. I'm kinda, uh...married to them."
"You're what?"
Nodoka wasn't sure that she'd heard that right.
"THEY'RE WHAT?!"
Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi were sure that they'd heard him correctly and were staring wide eyed
at the three beaming faces with officially stamped marriage certificates held up next to them.
Only their mutual terror of those same women prevented them from rushing en masse and painfully
extracting more details about the when, why and how of Saotome's newly revealed marital state.
Akane 'hmphed' and pointedly looked away from him. Nabiki and Kasumi decided simultaneously
that discretion was the better part of valor here and quickly left the room before they
could get caught up in the brewing firestorm. Not that either of them had any intention of
missing anything, but there were safer ways of listening in that didn't involve being in
the middle of the firing squad.
"WHY YOU-"
Soun's head expanded outward into a demonic mask of fury only to suddenly pause and shrink
back as his finely honed sense of self preservation kicked in for some reason as he noticed
that the elegant woman in the hakama next to the boy had her eyes closed and was starting
to laugh softly to herself in an eerie fashion. Taking a second to regain some self control and
noticing that the feeling of imminent threat faded as he did so, the older man tried again
in a slightly calmer voice.
"How DARE you cheat on my sweet little Akane by getting married to other women!"
"Real big of me, wasn't it? Ahaha-OwWoWWOWow"
Ranma's nervous laughter cut off as Tsuruko suddenly rose up behind him and grabbed the sides of his mouth
with either hand.
"Was it from this naughty mouth that such things came out of?"
The hapless martial artist teared up as she pinched and pulled the sides of his mouth
like an angry mother punishing her little boy for uttering a profanity out loud.
"I'm sowwy! I'm sowwy! I von't vu it again!"
"Two points," Mana said as she graded both the pun and punishment. Yoruichi snickered softly behind the cover
of her hand but didn't disagree with the rating as Tsuruko finally released her grip and allowed Ranma
to rub his sore cheeks.
"My little baby is married..."
Nodoka's eyes twitched as she attempted to come to grips with the meaning of those words.
The photo albums that were produced and opened up by Mana and Tsuruko probably didn't contribute
towards settling her mind either.
Tsuruko helpfully pointed how adorable her little hubby looked in the tuxedo that was obviously meant
for someone a bit older then he looked in the pictures. Her recollections of how perfectly the wedding
had gone were contrasted sharply with the look of a man facing his own execution on the Saotome
boy's face in every photo. Part of that miserable expression could probably be explained by the group
of pretty young women in yukatas holding swords and other weapons in the background of each and every
shot with him in it.
"And there's our first kiss as newlyweds," said the smiling raven haired swordswoman as she
indicated a particular snapshot that made even Soun wince in unwilling sympathy. While the two were
indeed caught in the act of lip to lip contact it was quite obvious who was the initiator of the action.
Younger Ranma's arms tied up in knots of thick rope and suspended over his head from a tree branch
so that Tsuruko didn't need to bend over to reach him was a rather big clue too.
Akane finally found what she was looking for in Mana's battered album.
"Ah ha! I knew it!!"
She pointed an accusatory finger at the dog-eared picture of a visibly sweating younger Ranma
swaddled up in long brown robes standing stiffly next to small figure covered from head
to toe in a faded white burka so that only its eyes and nose were visible. Many bearded and robed
older men cradling AK-47s like small children in their thickly muscled arms stood behind the pair.
Ranma gave his former fiancee an unreadable look.
"She was twelve years old at the time, Akane. What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?"
Akane looked at him incredulously.
"YES," she barked.
"Oh right. I forgot you're a complete moron when it comes to the obvious."
---------------------
Ukyo fought to keep her features under control, mostly succeeding except for the occassional spastic twitch
of her face as she tried desperately to think of a way to wake up from this nightmare. Bad enough that her
childhood friend/fiance had somehow managed to screw up again with other women, but why oh why had he gotten
involved with the boogeywoman of her childhood, the Demon Blade of Kyoto, Tsuruko Aoyama?! She still remembered
what had happened when the older girl had caught her and her friend Motoko playing hooky from their respective
lessons. The chef shivered and turned blue, she never had gotten over her fear of turtles ever since then.
Kodachi had kept trying to convince herself that she wasn't crazy. The success of those efforts had been mixed.
Currently she was fairly certain that she wasn't hallucinating, but that made things even worse in a way. Because
that implied that those things she'd seen as a little girl had not been her imagination after all. Yoruichi's
existence supported the reality of the monsters that had tried to eat her. The gymnast looked longingly at
Ranma's strong arms, desperately wanting to bury herself in his embrace to drive away the old ghosts stirring
up from her memories but in the end was too afraid of the one who had awakened them from their long slumber.
Shampoo felt inadequate. This was a strange new sensation for her and she didn't like it one bit. That demon in
human form made her feel small and flat in comparison. Even though she'd had a chance to change into a fresh pair
of panties while her husband's mother was recovering from her collapse, it still galled the Amazon that she'd
been beaten by just a look, not one hand had ever been raised against her. And those breasts! Impossibly large
and shaped perfectly for a man's touch, it was with an effort that Shampoo resisted the desire to gnash her
teeth together at the unfairness of it all. what Black Magic had that Demoness invoked to make her chest get
that big without even a hint of sag? How could she compete against those dreadnoughts with her mere battlecruisers?!
-----------------
Nodoka's rising voice brought everyone's attention back to her.
"How could you to do this to your poor mother?!"
Ranma stared at the woman who had given birth to him with eyes as wide as dinner plates as
she angrily brandished the still sheathed katana she always carried with her at *him*.
"But..but..isn't that manly? I thought you'd be happy-"
If anything the look on Nodoka's face grew even more furious.
"Happy! Happy!? How could I possibly be happy when you didn't even bother
to invite your own dear mother to any of the weddings?!"
Ranma's jaw dropped. Akane's jaw dropped. Soun's jaw dropped. Kodachi, Ukyo and Shampoo's jaws dropped.
Mr. Panda happily pretended to ignore everything in favor of digging a large hole in the ground
and burying his own head into it. This was possibly the smartest thing it had done in quite awhile.
Somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen came a muffled thump as somebody lost their balance and fell
to the floor.
In the safety of her own room, Nabiki's eyes twitched wildly under her headphones.
"At least tell me you didn't get any of them pregnant yet! I'm too young to be a grandmother!!"
In response, Ranma looked expectantly at Tsuruko and Yoruichi and tried not to wince at the unblinking
look that Mana was shooting at him. But as the seconds dragged on without any reply from either of them
he started to break out into a cold sweat. The icy hand of Death seemed to be draped over his shoulder
as the blood drained from his face.
'Don't tell me...oh god I'm going to die now, aren't I?'
The darkskinned first wife finally shook her head in the negative, causing her husband to wobble
unsteadily in his seat as a wave of overwhelming relief flooded over him.
"...not with us...at least."
Tsuruko chose her words with exquisite care. Years of tormenting her younger sister had honed her
ability to make each meaning implied or otherwise an instrument of pure torture to her chosen target.
The naked fear she saw in his beautifully expressive eyes was a thing of pure delight. If only they
had a room with a little privacy...oh the things she would do to him then!
------------------------
Outwardly, Mana retained her normal cool composure even as she stared steadily at her wilting hubby.
The bounty hunter/mercenary/gun for hire had learned long ago that this self control tended to give her
an edge over everyone she met with few exceptions. But in the sharp focus of her mind's eye was the
image of the costume she had originally tried and failed to bed her newly wedded husband with.
With a few adjustments to accomodate her growth in certain areas, that article of dress still fit her.
She was looking forward to reintroducing it to him again. Turn her down and say he wasn't interested
in little girls, would he? Well she who laughs last, laughs over the enemy's bloody corpse!
"Ku-ku-ku-ku."
Her classmate Evangeline had been an excellent example for learning how to gloat in a bloodcurdling fashion.
------------------------
"This simply won't do! I just can't accept these marriages as they are!!"
Ranma had never seen his mom work herself up into such a fury before. He was beginning to get an inkling as
to why his dad was so cowed by what Ranma had always seen as an even-tempered maternal kind of woman.
Of course that observation was secondary to the sudden ominous silence surrounding him.
Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi were all looking at Nodoka without any expression whatsoever.
Akane nodded in unconscious agreement, glad that finally some common sense had emerged from the madness.
She could always count on Aunty to back up her claim on the idiot, not that she really wanted him, mind you, but
a Tendo never gave up what was hers to anyone. And as soon as she got him alone without any witnesses he was
so going to get what was coming to him for embarrassing her the way he had today.
"You will just have to be remarried again in a proper respectable fashion with your family in full attendance!"
Akane abruptly lost her balance and fell face forward from her seat to the floor.
----------------------
Ranma turned to stone and started to crumble into little pieces as his wives squealed like schoolgirls on crack
and flocked over to his mother where they started to talk excitedly about things like dresses and caterers
and other things no mortal man should have to hear more than once in their lives. He could hear giggling
and whispers and his name being mentioned in ways and tones that made the few remaining scraps of his dignity
cock a tiny imaginary pistol to its little imaginary head and blow its imaginary brains out.
The doomed young man began to open his mouth to voice an objection when suddenly everything went to hell for
the second time that day.
--------------------
Akane raised her head with a loud cry of protest. This could not be! Had Aunty Nodoka gone completely stark
raving loony?! How could that woman betray her like this!?
"I object-"
Whatever she was going to say next was lost in the sound of the wall, the one right next to the wall with the
boarded up hole already in it, exploding into the room in a shower of mortar and plywood.
A dark blur burst through the hole, a golden spiral blade shaped like a wasp's sting on one outstretched arm.
As various occupants coughed from the dust in the air, the figure finally spotted its target and charged.
"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!"
-End Chapter 4
-Omake Mode Desu!-
"Time for some Sugar, Baby."
In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms around the back of the young man's neck while
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock. As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.
Akane opened her mouth to scream in outrage, then paused in bewilderment.
That Mana woman had just pulled out a pen and notepad....and she was taking notes?!
-Lord Raa Guest Omake #2-
"So then, Ukyo-chan, what are you doing here in Nerima?" Tsuruko asked, the look in her face intimidating all that saw it.
"I'm here to protect Ranchan!"
The kendoist's expression softened to that of a teasing smirk. "Oh really? Well, I suppose that some good has come from your arrival."
"W-what's that?" the chef asked nervously.
"I can tell my little sister that I've found her bishounen sempai. She became rather disillusioned with the male species after you left," Tsuruko explained.
"B-b-but Spatula Girl is a girl!" Shampoo added. "She no man, look!"
"Ack! Stop that, Shampoo!" Ukyo protested as her shirt was ripped open.
"While that is a nice pair of breasts, it's hardly enough to prove that you're a girl, Ukyo-kun. Have you not heard some of the stories that come from Bangkok?"
"Tsuruko," Ranma asked, his head still touching the floor in an attempt to keep it attached to his neck, "a-are you trying to get everyone here naked for some reason?"
"Curses! You've seen through my plan. Still, unless there are any objections, let the orgy begin!" Tsuruko declared.
The silence that descended while that particular comment was digested was broken by Nodoka's enthusiastic cheer.
"My son is so manly that he'll pleasure every girl here!"
"What? When did I say that?" the pigtailed martial artist demanded.
"Ahem," Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi coughed theatrically in unison.
Ranma quickly bowed his head. "I mean, I'll pleasure my lovely, beautiful, sexy wives as many times as they desire!"
"That's better," the wives added, again smiling in unison.
by Shade
Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.
Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy,
and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."
-Socrates
-------------------------------------
Chapter 4: Attack of the Killer Pussy
-------------------------------------
Ranma Saotome tried desperately to think of just the right way to simultaneously
explain to his mother just how happy he was to finally be able to see her again
and stall for time in order to figure out how to defuse the live topic grenade
his father had unexpectedly tossed into his figurative lap.
"So you must be my mother-in-law."
That wasn't it.
Nodoka Saotome blinked, momentarily dumbfounded by the sight of a talking black feline.
And then slowly the meaning of the words that the distinctly deep voice had said to her
began to sink in.
Her hair suddenly flaring wildly about her, Nodoka turned on her husband.
"You married our son to a *CAT*?!"
Genma made defensive warding gestures, lacking the energy to do much else
as he cringed before the brewing storm that was his wife.
"I-I swear I-I had absolutely nothing to do with this, Nodoka!"
"Well, I see you're still alive, Genma."
"F-Forgive me, Y-Yo-Yoruichi-sama!!!"
Nodoka did a doubletake as she realized that somehow in the blink of an eye her husband had gone
from above her on the stairs to down on his hands and knees abasing himself in front of the smirking
black cat now sitting comfortably on the floor of the living room.
Yoruichi paid little attention to him, being used to this kind of behavior from people like Genma,
instead turning her attention towards her own wayward husband. He squirmed deliciously under her
unblinking gaze. Truly she had missed this enjoyable feeling of toying with him like a soft catnip mouse.
Ranma's reflexive flinch was not missed by his mother.
"Then it's true?! Y-you-" the stunned woman gestured down at him and the cat, making
increasingly more erratic movements as she turned back and forth towards one and then
the other and then back again. Her beloved son who she'd been seperated from for over
a decade was a sexual deviant?!
"Well *technically* it's true that this wasn't Pop's fault." the young man in question mumbled gloomily.
Things would have been so much simpler if they were.
"Um, hi honey," he squeaked nervously.
"Got anything to say for yourself?"
"Clemency!"
"Denied/Denied/Denied."
Ranma sagged. Well, it had been worth a try.
"But it's a CAT!!"
Even Genma lifted his head up to look up at his wife's cry. She really was having a hard time
coming to terms with this.
"Oh right, I keep forgetting about this."
Ranma looked puzzled for a moment. What did she mean she'd forgot-
And then his eyes widened as he finally got it. His spouse was not called 'The Goddess of Flash'
just for her speed alone.
"Wait! Don't!!"
Action preceeded thought. The pigtailed boy was already in mid-leap towards Yoruichi
before his brain finally managed to catch up and ask him just what the hell he was doing.
'You're jumping on your wife.'
Right. Because she's got no feminine modesty whatsoever.
'Who is currently in the form of a cat.'
Right. She's a cat and she'll be naked and-Cat? Cat?! CAT!!!
"C-ca-cA-CAAAAAAT!!!"
Having already committed his body to one course of action, it was impossible to try and change it
before landing. Never the less, Ranma tried his best to do so anyway. He didn't succeed though.
"Auuugghhhh-"
Yoruichi smiled that insufferable smile that only felines are capable of.
*BAMF*
An eruption of white smoke obscured the landing zone as Ranma touched down.
Ranma tensed, then relaxed as he realized that nothing small and furry was touching him.
Then tensed up again as he realized that something warm and very familiar *was* underneath him.
He looked down as the smoke cleared.
"Hey!? No fair, why aren't you naked?!"
The young man's outrage was almost comical as he stared into the mischievously twinkling eyes
of his first wife. The sleek dark skin of her exposed face and neck was complimented by the
form fitting black combat bodysuit and the bright orange jacket she wore over it. Her long
dark violet hair was bound up in a loose pony tail that now twisted provocatively behind her
shoulders. Her generous cleavage pressed up against his chest, even through the barriers
of cloth he could feel her warmth. He was straddling her, only his outstretched arms and legs
holding him up from a decidingly compromising position in between her spread thighs.
"You sound disappointed, Honey. Were you looking forward to our reunion so much," Yoruichi teased
as she took advantage of her husband's preoccupation with keeping himself from falling down on her
to playfully tap the tip of his nose with one slender finger.
"What did you say?!"
Naturally Akane Tendo would pick that exact moment to show up in the entranceway with her older
sister Nabiki right beside her.
"I'll just add this to your tab, Saotome."
Said sister was of course taking the opportunity to click away with her trusty handheld camera
to capture the incriminating evidence for use later. Oh yes, good old dependable Ranma had
done it again and this time she didn't feel inclined to settle for peanuts. Nobody made a fool
of Nabiki Tendo, absolutely nobody.
Ranma's face twitched as he fought to keep his already precarious balance. The muffled snickering
and chuckling from the couch told him he would find no help there. If he didn't know any better
he'd have sworn that his wives had all planned this out from the start. But of course that was
impossible-
"Time for some Sugar, Baby."
In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms around the back of the young man's neck while
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock. As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.
Akane's mouth hung open, unable to believe her eyes. The sheer unbelievable audacity of it all kept
her from moving. She hadn't been gone for more then ten minutes and that idiotic manslut was cheating on her
with yet *another* big boobed foreigner in her own house of all places!
The pigtailed martial artist's arms spasmed wildly for a few moments before seeming to finally give in
to the inevitable and surrendering into the taller woman's inescapable embrace just as the outside wall
to the room exploded.
*BOOM*
-------------------------
Three shadowy figures stepped through the circular hole as the dust from the blast began to settle.
"Airen?!"
"Ranma honey?!"
"Ranma darling?!"
Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi stared in horrified fascination at the sight before them. Their beloved
significant other was sucking face with a woman who wasn't any one of them!
"Oh my."
Kasumi came to a halt by her sisters, a tray of snacks in her hands. There was that naughty boy,
cheating on Akane again. It was so very improper what he and that woman he was on top of were doing.
Only bad girls touched boys like that and she could already tell that this new woman was very very bad.
"Bad Ranma!"
"You Jackass!!"
"Insolent wench!!"
Weapons were produced. Shampoo's traditional pair of bonbori were joined by Ukyo's trusty oversized spatula
and Kodachi's traditional black gymnastic ribbon as the three fuming young women prepared to teach the
cheater that people who play with girl's hearts go to very bad place. At least that was the intention until
the still kissing pair on the ground rolled over to put Ranma on the bottom and clearly revealed to them
for the first time the features of the woman sticking her tongue into his mouth.
"No! It can't be...Yoru-"
Kodachi's face turned as white as ghost as she took an involuntary step back. That exotic dark face, it
couldn't be her, she looked exactly the same as she had ten years ago. It was impossible....
"Ara. Why if it isn't little Ukyo. It's been such a long time."
"Geh?! Who...T-t-Tsu-TSURUKO-SAMA?!!!"
The oversized baker's peel slipped from Ukyo's nerveless hands as the chef beheld a childhood nightmare made flesh.
Before the weapon had even hit the ground she was down on her hands and knees babbling a mixture of apologies
for intruding and pleas for forgiveness.
Shampoo shot the two weak Japanese women next to her withering looks. Didn't they have any warrior's pride?
Look at them, cowering before these strange women who were obviously after her popular husband, damn him
for being so irresistable to all women! Well she would show them whose property Ranma was-
Two unblinking eyes of amber gold caught her gaze and seemed to seize her very soul. Her body froze up like
a puppet made of wood as the sheer intensity behind those piercing orbs seemed to weigh the value of her
very life in them. It was the most terrifying experience of her entire life and to the Amazon's great shame
she realized that she'd dishonored her illustrious warrior ancesters by losing control of her bladder while
being measured by this creature who seemed more demon then human.
When those eyes finally released her, Shampoo slumped to the ground like a sack of wet meal as her trembling legs
just simply gave out on her. That had not been the look of a seasoned fighter, that had been the gaze of a coldblooded killer. Just what were they really dealing with here?!
---------------------
Behind her still clicking camera, Nabiki scowled. This had not been in any of her scenarios. There should have
been fur flying and Ranma getting blamed by everyone for being a sleazy player by now. She'd made quite
sure to emphasize to the concerned parties involved that their object of desire was no doubt going to cheat on them
if they didn't come quickly and show him the error of his philandering ways. So why hadn't it worked?
The two on the floor rolled over again, having still not broken the long oral match between themselves.
"Would you two CUT THAT OUT," Akane finally screamed, unable to put up any longer with the perversion going
on under her family's roof. This was just like when Shampoo had first arrived, that *boy* was only listening to
the brain located in his pants again. She punctuated her words by grabbing the metal platter that her sister
Kasumi had been holding and throwing it with precise accuracy at the back of the pigtailed martial artist's head.
Yoruichi's liplock didn't falter in the slightest as one perfectly toned leg kicked out to intercept the
incoming frisbee, sending it flying straight up. As it came back down that same leg extended up in a display
of physics defying flexibility to catch the platter on the tips of her toes, where the round metal disc started
spinning like a top. After a few moments of this the dark skinned beauty flicked her foot back towards
where the platter had come from, sending the metal tray flying into the air once more to land into Kasumi's
still outstretched empty hands.
Kasumi blinked, unsure of what had just occurred.
Akane's jaw dropped. That wasn't supposed to happen!
Mana and Tsuruko held up little scoring signs that read '8.5' and '9.2' respectively.
The dark skinned beauty finally released her spouse's lips with a little sigh of pleasure.
"You've been practicing," she said approvingly as he eased back to let her get up.
"No! I mean, well that is...maybe a little."
Ranma twiddled his thumbs, unable to meet her amused gaze.
"But she was, he was, they were, then who are-!@*&-"
A loud *THUMP* announced that Nodoka Saotome's buffer stack had finally overflowed
as she fainted dead away onto the floor.
"I think she took that rather well, don't you," Genma said with a forced cheerfulness as he went to help his wife.
--------------------------------------
"Now my son. From the beginning."
Ranma squirmed in his seat at his mother's stern tone like an unlucky worm with a large barbed fishhook shoved up
its rear end. Flanked on either side by a watchful Yoruichi and Tsuruko while the silent threat of Mana covered the rear
and with the unhappy glares of his former fiancees/suitors from across the room, never had he wished more for an obvious distraction as much as he did right now.
"Hey now, what's going on here?"
It was almost enough to make Ranma weep real tears at the injustice of it all.
Couldn't the Kami do better then Mr. Tendo? Why did they hate him so? Why?
"Ack?! My house, what happened to my....SAOTOME!!"
[It's not my fault this time!]
Soun glared at his crouching friend, apparently unconvinced by the sign that Genma held up.
The fact that heavyset martial artist was still in human form might have had something to do
with that. But in the end Soun knew that there could be only one possibility for blame.
"Now then, Ranma. I trust you have a good explanation for all of this."
Soun's pointed finger most obviously indicated who he meant by 'all of this'.
The pigtailed young man attempted to instantaneously develop the art of spontaneous human
teleportation. Failing in that, he opened his mouth and said simply, "No, not really."
Soun paused with his mouth partially open, unsure if the boy was serious
or just being sarcastic with his deadpan tone.
Nodoka, refusing to be distracted from the issue at hand, rapped the sitting table with the
hilt of the sheathed katana at her side to get her son's attention.
"Begin."
Ranma scratched the tip of his nose nervously, uncomfortably aware that everyone's attention was
now focused on him and that there was nowhere to run. He decided that he might as well get it all
over with and drop the big bombshells first during the introductions. With any luck he might be
able to find a way out during the ensuing bloodshed and confusion. He resisted shooting an evil
look at 'Mr. Panda' who had mysteriously decided to show up and start playing innocently with
a tire in yard, visible through the hole that Shampoo had made in the wall. The *last* thing
he needed right now was the Jusenkyo curses becoming a topic of conversation.
"Um, This is Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi. I'm kinda, uh...married to them."
"You're what?"
Nodoka wasn't sure that she'd heard that right.
"THEY'RE WHAT?!"
Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi were sure that they'd heard him correctly and were staring wide eyed
at the three beaming faces with officially stamped marriage certificates held up next to them.
Only their mutual terror of those same women prevented them from rushing en masse and painfully
extracting more details about the when, why and how of Saotome's newly revealed marital state.
Akane 'hmphed' and pointedly looked away from him. Nabiki and Kasumi decided simultaneously
that discretion was the better part of valor here and quickly left the room before they
could get caught up in the brewing firestorm. Not that either of them had any intention of
missing anything, but there were safer ways of listening in that didn't involve being in
the middle of the firing squad.
"WHY YOU-"
Soun's head expanded outward into a demonic mask of fury only to suddenly pause and shrink
back as his finely honed sense of self preservation kicked in for some reason as he noticed
that the elegant woman in the hakama next to the boy had her eyes closed and was starting
to laugh softly to herself in an eerie fashion. Taking a second to regain some self control and
noticing that the feeling of imminent threat faded as he did so, the older man tried again
in a slightly calmer voice.
"How DARE you cheat on my sweet little Akane by getting married to other women!"
"Real big of me, wasn't it? Ahaha-OwWoWWOWow"
Ranma's nervous laughter cut off as Tsuruko suddenly rose up behind him and grabbed the sides of his mouth
with either hand.
"Was it from this naughty mouth that such things came out of?"
The hapless martial artist teared up as she pinched and pulled the sides of his mouth
like an angry mother punishing her little boy for uttering a profanity out loud.
"I'm sowwy! I'm sowwy! I von't vu it again!"
"Two points," Mana said as she graded both the pun and punishment. Yoruichi snickered softly behind the cover
of her hand but didn't disagree with the rating as Tsuruko finally released her grip and allowed Ranma
to rub his sore cheeks.
"My little baby is married..."
Nodoka's eyes twitched as she attempted to come to grips with the meaning of those words.
The photo albums that were produced and opened up by Mana and Tsuruko probably didn't contribute
towards settling her mind either.
Tsuruko helpfully pointed how adorable her little hubby looked in the tuxedo that was obviously meant
for someone a bit older then he looked in the pictures. Her recollections of how perfectly the wedding
had gone were contrasted sharply with the look of a man facing his own execution on the Saotome
boy's face in every photo. Part of that miserable expression could probably be explained by the group
of pretty young women in yukatas holding swords and other weapons in the background of each and every
shot with him in it.
"And there's our first kiss as newlyweds," said the smiling raven haired swordswoman as she
indicated a particular snapshot that made even Soun wince in unwilling sympathy. While the two were
indeed caught in the act of lip to lip contact it was quite obvious who was the initiator of the action.
Younger Ranma's arms tied up in knots of thick rope and suspended over his head from a tree branch
so that Tsuruko didn't need to bend over to reach him was a rather big clue too.
Akane finally found what she was looking for in Mana's battered album.
"Ah ha! I knew it!!"
She pointed an accusatory finger at the dog-eared picture of a visibly sweating younger Ranma
swaddled up in long brown robes standing stiffly next to small figure covered from head
to toe in a faded white burka so that only its eyes and nose were visible. Many bearded and robed
older men cradling AK-47s like small children in their thickly muscled arms stood behind the pair.
Ranma gave his former fiancee an unreadable look.
"She was twelve years old at the time, Akane. What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?"
Akane looked at him incredulously.
"YES," she barked.
"Oh right. I forgot you're a complete moron when it comes to the obvious."
---------------------
Ukyo fought to keep her features under control, mostly succeeding except for the occassional spastic twitch
of her face as she tried desperately to think of a way to wake up from this nightmare. Bad enough that her
childhood friend/fiance had somehow managed to screw up again with other women, but why oh why had he gotten
involved with the boogeywoman of her childhood, the Demon Blade of Kyoto, Tsuruko Aoyama?! She still remembered
what had happened when the older girl had caught her and her friend Motoko playing hooky from their respective
lessons. The chef shivered and turned blue, she never had gotten over her fear of turtles ever since then.
Kodachi had kept trying to convince herself that she wasn't crazy. The success of those efforts had been mixed.
Currently she was fairly certain that she wasn't hallucinating, but that made things even worse in a way. Because
that implied that those things she'd seen as a little girl had not been her imagination after all. Yoruichi's
existence supported the reality of the monsters that had tried to eat her. The gymnast looked longingly at
Ranma's strong arms, desperately wanting to bury herself in his embrace to drive away the old ghosts stirring
up from her memories but in the end was too afraid of the one who had awakened them from their long slumber.
Shampoo felt inadequate. This was a strange new sensation for her and she didn't like it one bit. That demon in
human form made her feel small and flat in comparison. Even though she'd had a chance to change into a fresh pair
of panties while her husband's mother was recovering from her collapse, it still galled the Amazon that she'd
been beaten by just a look, not one hand had ever been raised against her. And those breasts! Impossibly large
and shaped perfectly for a man's touch, it was with an effort that Shampoo resisted the desire to gnash her
teeth together at the unfairness of it all. what Black Magic had that Demoness invoked to make her chest get
that big without even a hint of sag? How could she compete against those dreadnoughts with her mere battlecruisers?!
-----------------
Nodoka's rising voice brought everyone's attention back to her.
"How could you to do this to your poor mother?!"
Ranma stared at the woman who had given birth to him with eyes as wide as dinner plates as
she angrily brandished the still sheathed katana she always carried with her at *him*.
"But..but..isn't that manly? I thought you'd be happy-"
If anything the look on Nodoka's face grew even more furious.
"Happy! Happy!? How could I possibly be happy when you didn't even bother
to invite your own dear mother to any of the weddings?!"
Ranma's jaw dropped. Akane's jaw dropped. Soun's jaw dropped. Kodachi, Ukyo and Shampoo's jaws dropped.
Mr. Panda happily pretended to ignore everything in favor of digging a large hole in the ground
and burying his own head into it. This was possibly the smartest thing it had done in quite awhile.
Somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen came a muffled thump as somebody lost their balance and fell
to the floor.
In the safety of her own room, Nabiki's eyes twitched wildly under her headphones.
"At least tell me you didn't get any of them pregnant yet! I'm too young to be a grandmother!!"
In response, Ranma looked expectantly at Tsuruko and Yoruichi and tried not to wince at the unblinking
look that Mana was shooting at him. But as the seconds dragged on without any reply from either of them
he started to break out into a cold sweat. The icy hand of Death seemed to be draped over his shoulder
as the blood drained from his face.
'Don't tell me...oh god I'm going to die now, aren't I?'
The darkskinned first wife finally shook her head in the negative, causing her husband to wobble
unsteadily in his seat as a wave of overwhelming relief flooded over him.
"...not with us...at least."
Tsuruko chose her words with exquisite care. Years of tormenting her younger sister had honed her
ability to make each meaning implied or otherwise an instrument of pure torture to her chosen target.
The naked fear she saw in his beautifully expressive eyes was a thing of pure delight. If only they
had a room with a little privacy...oh the things she would do to him then!
------------------------
Outwardly, Mana retained her normal cool composure even as she stared steadily at her wilting hubby.
The bounty hunter/mercenary/gun for hire had learned long ago that this self control tended to give her
an edge over everyone she met with few exceptions. But in the sharp focus of her mind's eye was the
image of the costume she had originally tried and failed to bed her newly wedded husband with.
With a few adjustments to accomodate her growth in certain areas, that article of dress still fit her.
She was looking forward to reintroducing it to him again. Turn her down and say he wasn't interested
in little girls, would he? Well she who laughs last, laughs over the enemy's bloody corpse!
"Ku-ku-ku-ku."
Her classmate Evangeline had been an excellent example for learning how to gloat in a bloodcurdling fashion.
------------------------
"This simply won't do! I just can't accept these marriages as they are!!"
Ranma had never seen his mom work herself up into such a fury before. He was beginning to get an inkling as
to why his dad was so cowed by what Ranma had always seen as an even-tempered maternal kind of woman.
Of course that observation was secondary to the sudden ominous silence surrounding him.
Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi were all looking at Nodoka without any expression whatsoever.
Akane nodded in unconscious agreement, glad that finally some common sense had emerged from the madness.
She could always count on Aunty to back up her claim on the idiot, not that she really wanted him, mind you, but
a Tendo never gave up what was hers to anyone. And as soon as she got him alone without any witnesses he was
so going to get what was coming to him for embarrassing her the way he had today.
"You will just have to be remarried again in a proper respectable fashion with your family in full attendance!"
Akane abruptly lost her balance and fell face forward from her seat to the floor.
----------------------
Ranma turned to stone and started to crumble into little pieces as his wives squealed like schoolgirls on crack
and flocked over to his mother where they started to talk excitedly about things like dresses and caterers
and other things no mortal man should have to hear more than once in their lives. He could hear giggling
and whispers and his name being mentioned in ways and tones that made the few remaining scraps of his dignity
cock a tiny imaginary pistol to its little imaginary head and blow its imaginary brains out.
The doomed young man began to open his mouth to voice an objection when suddenly everything went to hell for
the second time that day.
--------------------
Akane raised her head with a loud cry of protest. This could not be! Had Aunty Nodoka gone completely stark
raving loony?! How could that woman betray her like this!?
"I object-"
Whatever she was going to say next was lost in the sound of the wall, the one right next to the wall with the
boarded up hole already in it, exploding into the room in a shower of mortar and plywood.
A dark blur burst through the hole, a golden spiral blade shaped like a wasp's sting on one outstretched arm.
As various occupants coughed from the dust in the air, the figure finally spotted its target and charged.
"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!"
-End Chapter 4
-Omake Mode Desu!-
"Time for some Sugar, Baby."
In a single fluid motion Yoruichi curled her arms around the back of the young man's neck while
her legs wrapped around his waist in a scissor lock. As he opened his mouth to protest, she pulled
him down into a deep tonsil tasting kiss.
Akane opened her mouth to scream in outrage, then paused in bewilderment.
That Mana woman had just pulled out a pen and notepad....and she was taking notes?!
-Lord Raa Guest Omake #2-
"So then, Ukyo-chan, what are you doing here in Nerima?" Tsuruko asked, the look in her face intimidating all that saw it.
"I'm here to protect Ranchan!"
The kendoist's expression softened to that of a teasing smirk. "Oh really? Well, I suppose that some good has come from your arrival."
"W-what's that?" the chef asked nervously.
"I can tell my little sister that I've found her bishounen sempai. She became rather disillusioned with the male species after you left," Tsuruko explained.
"B-b-but Spatula Girl is a girl!" Shampoo added. "She no man, look!"
"Ack! Stop that, Shampoo!" Ukyo protested as her shirt was ripped open.
"While that is a nice pair of breasts, it's hardly enough to prove that you're a girl, Ukyo-kun. Have you not heard some of the stories that come from Bangkok?"
"Tsuruko," Ranma asked, his head still touching the floor in an attempt to keep it attached to his neck, "a-are you trying to get everyone here naked for some reason?"
"Curses! You've seen through my plan. Still, unless there are any objections, let the orgy begin!" Tsuruko declared.
The silence that descended while that particular comment was digested was broken by Nodoka's enthusiastic cheer.
"My son is so manly that he'll pleasure every girl here!"
"What? When did I say that?" the pigtailed martial artist demanded.
"Ahem," Mana, Tsuruko and Yoruichi coughed theatrically in unison.
Ranma quickly bowed his head. "I mean, I'll pleasure my lovely, beautiful, sexy wives as many times as they desire!"
"That's better," the wives added, again smiling in unison.