Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Coming Home to Roost ❯ Life's a Bitch with PMS ( Chapter 5 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Coming Home to Roost
by Shade

Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.

Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor

"What makes a man? Is it the woman in his arms, just cause she has big titties?
Or is it the way he fights every day? No, its probably the titties."
-Now You're a Man, Orgasmo Theme Song

----------------------------------
Chapter 5: Life's a Bitch with PMS
----------------------------------

Rukia Kuchiki slid open the door to the meeting room for the Shinigami Women's Association
and then paused as she noticed something was different today.

No, it wasn't that Vice-Captain Yachiru Kusajishi was stuffing her face full of candy at her seat.
That was the only way the Association could get her to shut up long enough for them to get anything
done without the pink haired terror trying to help by saying whatever came to her easily distracted mind.

What was unusual was the decided lack of the other members for the weekly meeting.

She looked around the nearly empty room, hoping to see at least one other face there or failing
that a note of some kind indicating if the meeting had been cancelled. Just as long as she didn't
have to ask-

"Ah! Cootie-Cootie!"

Rukia grimaced, the veins in her head throbbing wildly as she tried to rein in the urge to reach out
and strangle the innocent looking little girl, knowing that if she yielded to the temptation it would
only end up with Yachiru kicking her ass and probably doodling on her face with a marker.

"He-hello, Vice-Captain Kusajishi. Do you know where everyone else is?"

Rukia started to congratulate herself for managing to keep her tone civil. She could do this after all.

"They're out."

Twitch.

"Ahahaha...Do you know where they went?"

"Nope."

Throb. Throb.

"Did they happen to say anything to you before they left?"

"Hmmmm...I think...I think...Soy Soy said..."

The little Vice-Captain pressed her sticky fingers to the sides of her temples as she concentrated.

"Yes, go on."

"I forgot."

"Why you little-I mean, thank you so much, Miss Yachiru. I'll be going now."

A frozen smile still stuck on her face, Rukia closed the door to the room with a loud bang.

"Oh Rukia! There you are-*KERPOW*-"

Renji never saw the right hook that sent him flying into the wall. Nor did he hear the wild eyed
Kuchiki stomp off in search of something to break into many little pieces.

He did manage to hear though, that most dreaded of sounds.

"Ohhh! Rooster Head! Let's play!!"

"AAAUUUUUGGGHHH!!!"

----------------------

"RANMA SAOTOME! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"

Ranma grunted as he was knocked onto his back by the force of the figure's charge,
one arm desperately catching the blade hand behind the wrist as the other deflected
the follow up elbow strike to his throat.

"Sunvabitch! It's So Flat!"

"That's Soifon," the blackmasked assassin spat as it pushed down with all its might
to try and shove the long ornate gold sting on its middle finger into his heart.

"I was talking about your chest, you crazy lesbian tomboy! You're still a washing board!"

"What did you say," Soifon growled at him, the already murderous look in her dark hazel eyes
turning into one that promised a truly long and hideous death after much hurting and stabbings
for him.

"Still deaf as a post too, I see. Maybe this will clear that up!"

And then there was a loud crack as he headbutted her square in the face.

"Owww! You Bastard!!"

The furious young woman pulled back just far enough for her free arm to slug him in the head.
He retaliated with an open slap across her cloth covered cheek that sounded so loud
it made some of the onlookers wince.

"You hit like a girl," the pinned martial artist taunted her as he followed up with
the back of his hand to her other cheek, ignoring the swelling and darkening of the
skin already taking place around his left eye.

"Why you-"

The rest of Soifon's words were lost in a garbled stream of invective as the young man
desperately grabbed for the top of the black hood she wore and pulled it down hard to
completely obscure her face. As she fought to free herself from the suffocating obstruction
Ranma used the opportunity to wrest the assassin's weapon hand away from his body.

"-Son Of A Bitch!!"

Soifon finally pulled off the hood from her head, revealing a short haired woman
who did indeed have a distinctly tomboyish cast to her sharp features. Blood was
dribbling from one nostril and the corner of her lip while both cheeks were red
and swollen.

"I am going to draw out your guts through the hole I make when I cut off your filthy
manwood, Saotome!"

Ranma's simple but eloquent response to that was another headbutt to the face.

*CRACK*

Then he rolled to toss the stunned assailant back out the hole she'd made.

Soifon made a loud splash as she landed head first in the Tendo's ornamental carp pool.

--------------------------

Nodoka stared, mouth open and finger pointing.

A broad hand came to rest on the shoulder of her robe.

"No dear, you really don't want to know," Genma said gloomily in response to his wife's unvoiced question.

--------------------------

As the pigtailed boy who was yelling at the top of his lungs charged outside
to continue the fight, Akane could only mutter blankly, "But Ranma doesn't fight girls..."

This got her funny looks from the other former fiancees.

"Ranma fight girls every time. He just no fight *weaklings*," Shampoo snorted.

"She's right, sugar." Ukyo nodded in agreement.

"Very true, he makes no discrimination with the fairer sex in battle save for their martial ability.
It is one of his many endearing qualities."

The aristocratic gymnast was glad for something to distract her from the disturbing sight of Ranma's
'wives' seeming to take the sudden attempt to kill their husband in stride. The three of them were
currently arguing over something that involved Rock, Paper, Scissors and illustrating with their
fingers something long and round....

Kodachi blushed. Even she wasn't *that* flexible.

-------------------------

There were those in Nerima who thought they knew all there was to know about the cocky foulmouthed
aquatransexual after having to deal with him and the destruction that followed him all over the place
for the last year or so. They would have been the first to declare that the Saotome boy would never
ever go all out against a mere slip of a female, no matter how provoked he might be. Whether it was
chivalry or simple stupidity, the pigtailed martial artist never held a grudge and would never
hit a woman for real.

Ranma knew better. It was true that he was normally an easy going person with most people.
But then again most people didn't have an unhealthy obsession with cutting off his penis.
Ranma was very attached to his penis. It had always stood up for him in good times and in bad.
Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health his pecker was one of the few things he could
count on to be there when it mattered...unless cold water was involved.

But he had to keep pounding on that fixated psycho from close up. Saotome knew from experience
that she would own his ass in medium to long range combat otherwise. Worse, she knew his first
wife's signature move, Shunpo, the Flash Step. It was one of the few techniques he had never been
able to master correctly as every time he tried to use it his feet ended up catching on fire.
If it came down to straight speed against speed, he might as well give up now and save himself
the humiliation.

But he should be okay as long as-

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGHHHHH!!!"

A blast of white hot steam erupted from the carp pool and the air was filled with the heavy smell
of boiled fish. Something glowed a brilliant blue from within the cloud of vaporized pond water.

'Oh fuck.'

"SHUNKO!"

This was going to hurt. A lot.

-------------------------

It was a testament to just how badly rattled Soun was at the moment that the sight
of his potential son in law being blasted back across the yard seemed only noteworthy
for the fact that the wild stream of blindingly bluish bright energy that smashed the
boy into and through the dark stone wall serving as the border of the property appeared
to have been several times bigger then his house.

Searching the pockets of his pants produced a much battered pack of cigarettes.

Sticking one of them into his mouth, the Tendo father stepped outside to light it up.

It wasn't until after the man had taken his first puff that he remembered to blink.

------------------------

He'd been right. It had hurt. Lots.

Ranma coughed, trying to draw a full breath from where he lay in the rubble of what
had once been a wall and a paved street. Blood trickled over his swollen eye from
a gash just under the hairline, more of the sluggish crimson leaked from both nostrils
and the young man could almost imagine that he would hear his ribs creaking like rusty
door hinges if he listened hard enough. At this point he wasn't really sure if he could
think of a way to win this time.

He was almost tempted to go for his zanpakuto. Almost.

But given the choice between releasing his zanpakuto and Death, by the narrowest of margins
Ranma favored Death. A man could die only once, but humiliation killed a thousand times over.
There was no way in hell that this scrawny bloodthirsty dyke was going to make him use
the most horrible fucking weapon it had ever been his misfortune to know.

A hiss in the air alerted him that she was coming.

Somehow, he didn't know where, he found the strength to twist and backflip out of the crater he was in.

The muscles in his legs and waist screamed in protest and a stinging sensation to his side that expanded
briefly outward before fading let him know that Soifon had still managed to score a hit anyway and
tag him with one of her killer butterfly markings. A second direct hit to there from her blade would
be the end of him. He darted back, taking another hit on his other side this time. Soifon's movements
were a blur of black and gold, darting in and out with lightning quickness as she went for the kill shot.

An arm, his hip and then the other arm all spouted the black butterfly targets as he stumbled backwards,
defending as best he could against the snarling human typhoon coming in at him. It was only a matter of time now-

Ranma tripped over a rock and fell forward. His hands reached out desperately for something, anything
to catch himself before he hit the ground.

"Wah?!"

Soifon, never expecting her target to be so stupid as to come directly at her and expose himself for certain death,
was caught by complete surprise and froze in midlunge as Ranma's flailing hands grabbed the ties to her long loose
pants and pulled them down around her ankles as he fell.

"..."

Ranma lifted his head up, surprised that he wasn't dead already.
Then his eyebrows rose as he noticed what he was looking at.

"Black kitty panties?"

-----------------------

Soifon's eyes started to twitch as she stood there, still frozen in shock.
Her face grew redder and redder as the blood rushed to her cheeks.

This miserable excuse for a man had seen what was supposed to have been reserved for Yoruichi-sama's
sight alone. It was to have been her surprise gift for her lady after ridding her of this crude barbarian
and his filthy dick. But now she was ruined under the contaminating gaze of the bastard who dared try
and call himself her mistress's husband. As if that lowborn commoner were worthy to lick the mud from
her lady's boots. In order to purify this shame there was only one choice left to her.

She had to kill Ranma Saotome.

"DIE!!!"

But at this close range, the advantage was his. Before she realized what Ranma was up to
he had seized the sides of his opponent's panties and then yanked them up hard.

"OMEGA SUPREME WEDGIE!!!"

Soifon's shriek rattled the windows of the entire block.

-----------------------

Ranma pinned Soifon's arms in a joint lock as he suplexed her headfirst into the street.
Once the young woman had realized she couldn't stab him with her needle style zanpakuto
it had been resealed back into its original katana form in order for her to use the longer
cutting blade against him. Unfortunately for her, it didn't matter what kind of weapon
was in her hands if she couldn't point it at-

A slender muscled leg kicked him hard between the legs.

It wasn't a direct hit of the kind that would have required emergency surgery to remove his outsides
from his insides, but it still clipped him in the balls hard enough that Ranma lost his hold on his
opponent and fell down gagging slightly as he tried to quell the sudden nausea rushing up from his
pelvis. A right hook caught him in the chin and he tasted blood as the impact sent him crashing backwards.

The martial artist tried to get back up, but a weight dropped on his chest and a hand suddenly
seized him through his pants and squeezed with fingers that felt like steel clamps.

"Fucker," Ranma gasped, trying to dispel the stars in his eyes but not having much success.

"You won't be able to after I finish," Soifon purred softly.

The air hissed as she brought her sword back to make the cut.

And at that moment the much abused water main under the crater they were in decided that it had
finally had enough and gave way. The cracked concrete all around them started to spurt cold
water everywhere. Ranma felt the first jets hit and soak through the back of his torn shirt and
screamed in a voice that changed pitch midway through, "Goddamnit!!"

---------------------

Soifon's bewilderment at having a pair of plump breasts suddenly pop up under her ass was nothing
compared to the nasty shock she got when the dirty male part she was grasping suddenly shrank and
vanished, leaving her holding an empty clump of wet pants.

"What kind of trick is this?!"

She frantically started to yank down Ranma's pants in order to confirm what
had just happened when an angry female voice suddenly growled out from under her.

"One...Thousand...Years..Of PAIN!!!"

Two index fingers suddenly introduced themselves the wrong way down a one way street.

---------------------

Akane Tendo couldn't decide which was worse. That ungodly cry that seemed to go on forever, Aunty Nodoka
saying "That sounded like someone shoved a fifteen inch cock up their ass" or Tsuruko and Yoruichi
instantly contradicting her by saying the pitch was all wrong.

The fair skinned Kendo mistress then gave the woman with the dark purple hair a significant look.

Yoruichi nodded and said casually to the room at large, "Time to bring those naughty kids back in."

Another pointed look by Tsuruko towards Shampoo, Kodachi and Ukyo made the three girls realize that
they had important business to attend to elsewhere, that it really couldn't wait and they needed
to see to it as soon as possible if not sooner. The girls scrambled to their feet, mumbled hasty farewells
and fled as fast as they could with what scraps remained of their dignity.

---------------------

Yoruichi found them still in the cratered street, Soifon in a tight headlock under the redhead's right arm,
the side of her face mashed against the large breast on that side which was covered only by thin wet cloth.

The pigtailed girl was yelling at the tomboyish shinigami, "Who's your daddy now," then sticking her victim's
head into a spouting geyser of water shooting out in front of them when Soifon kept on cussing at her.

After a few seconds of this Soifon was pulled back out, coughing and spitting out water while still trying
to swear at her tormenter. The redhead then started to noogie her, moving her knuckles with such speed that
they seemed to be a blur. This also had the unintentional effect of completely squashing the now dazed young
woman's face into her bust.

Yoruichi clapped her hands together to get the combatants attention.

"Okay you two, that's enough for now."

The pigtailed girl froze in mid-noogie.

"Let her loose, Ranma."

"Do I have to," she whined like a little kid deprived of a sweet that she'd really been looking forward to.

"Yes."

Reluctantly, the redhead released her captive.

Meanwhile, somewhere deep in the back of Ranma's brain, a lonely thought stirred and tried to find its way out
of the dark corner it had been languishing in. It hoped it would be able to get out before it died of old
age...or was that loneliness, it could never remember which one it was. But this was a very important thought,
that much at least it knew. And so it struggled onward, determined to deliver itself without fail,
for neither sleet nor snow would stop the mail-yes, this thought was going to take awhile to figure out
where it was going and how to get there.

Soifon shook herself, trying to clear her head of the fog that had come over her senses while that
man-woman-whatever it was, had tried to suffocate her in that marshmallow hell. Once she was back
to something resembling a state of readiness, the short haired girl grabbed her sword from the ground
and charged back to complete her mission.

Tried to, rather. Her legs and feet made running motions, but found themselves unable to find any
purchase on the ground. For that matter they were unable to find the ground at all.

"None of that, Soifon."

Soifon tried to swallow around the tightness in the base of her throat and found herself having trouble
with that since the front collar of her uniform was pulling up into her neck as something was lifting her
up by the back of it. That something of course was the hand of the dark skinned woman in the blazing
orange jacket now standing behind her.

"Yoruichi-sama!"

That little thought saw the light at the end of the tunnel and started running for the exit. It tripped,
fell over and knocked itself silly as it careened into the side of Ranma's dense skull. This resulted in
yet another thought being dislodged that while not in the same category of importance as the first thought,
was a bit quicker on the uptake and managed to get where it was going without too much trouble.

Ranma pointed an angry finger at Soifon.

"Hey, wait a minute! I thought you Soul Society types couldn't operate in the real world.
What's the point of being alive if the dead people end up chasing me here anyway?!"

Before the tomboyish figure could answer her, a hand the color of warm bronze came around
and cupped the front of the woman's relatively flat chest.

Soifon ceased her her futile attempts to slip free and let out a soft moan.

----------------------

Squeeze.

"Urahara really does good work. This has to be the best gigai he's made so far."

Pinch.

"My Ladyyyy!!"

Cup. Grope. Rub.

"...."

Ranma knew that there was something very wrong about watching one's spouse feel up another woman
in front of you. Pity that she couldn't remember what it was exactly. So she merely watched, mouth
only slightly open, as her first wife explored what seemed to be every inch of Soifon's dripping wet
body with those wandering hands.

Meanwhile that tired and lonely little thought finally stumbled onto the right exit completely by chance.

"Oh shoot."

That was right, she hadn't told them about the curse yet. So how had she been able to-

"We know."

Yoruichi's gold eyes locked on to hers even as the woman's captive whimpered as the pleasurable torture ceased.

"Ah...and-"

"We know."

"Oh. Even the-"

"Yes, we know."

"But-"

"We know *Everything*."

Ranma finally clamped her mouth shut, beads of cold sweat dotting her forehead.

"We'll talk about it inside."

The pigtailed girl let out a soft whimper.

----------------------

Disaster had come to the Tendo Household. And it had a name, a face and two wrinkled little hands
considered weapons of mass destruction by every female between the ages of fifteen and forty
in the Nerima district.

"Hotcha!"

A kind of horrified silence engulfed the regular members of the Tendo household as
they heard the Gates of Hell start to swing open and unleash the End of the World
in that gleeful aged voice.

"Master! Please, No!!"

Soun's face hit the floor with a flick of the old man's pipe. A Panda soon joined him on the ground,
the signs in its paws reading 'Stop!' and 'We're all gonna Die!!' respectively.

Happosai, Master of the Founding School of Anything Goes, Supreme Grand Pervert in the Order of Letch
and Tireless Defender of Bras, Panties and Garter Belts was here. And he had found the promised land.

Breasts, hips and bottoms of perfection. His gnarled old fingers literally itched at the sight of the
two visions sitting there, apparently unaware of the little old man who had hopped inside. Truly this
would be a day to remember and what better way then to make some memories right now!

He leaped forward.

"Sweet-"

And then the pair of them turned to look at him.

"-oooh, YOU?!!"

Happosai somehow managed to come to a complete stop in midair before his feet hit the ground well away
from the woman he'd been about to try and feel up. It wasn't an easy feat by any measure, but the old
wrinkled martial artist had been particularly motivated in this case to do so.

There weren't many things that truly frightened the energetic letch.

"Why if it isn't Dear Grandfather Happosai. Fancy seeing you here."

Tsuruko Aoyama of the God's Cry School was second from the top on that short list.

-----------------------

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

If he could mold a sickly little child like Hinako Ninomiya into a perfect partner for underwear theft,
then what heights of precious panty pilfering could be achieved by training a true protege of the Art?

He'd seen so much untapped potential there, lacking only the proper guidance to awaken that sleeping power.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Grandpa Happi."

And so Happosai had introduced himself to little Tsuruko Aoyama and started her
on the path down the Dark Side of the Force...of Perversion.

He'd succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. And his worst nightmares.

-----------------------

Ranma walked slowly back into the house with the other two women behind her preventing any delusions
of escape. Somehow she wasn't really surprised to see that Happosai was now here. After all it just
wouldn't be a day gone completely to Hell and come back with a free shirt without that old troublemaker
getting involved sooner or later.

The pigtailed martial artist's first thought left her mouth before consulting with her brain.

"Old Perv, your timing really sucks."

When the little old man slowly turned towards her, Ranma just nodded wearily
at the familiar look on that wrinkled face.

"I see you've met Tsuruko before."

"Pervert! Stop exposing yourself and put some dry clothes on!!"

Confronted with too many changes to cope with in a single day, Akane Tendo was retreating behind familiar
patterns as her mind struggled to force things into an explanation that made sense to her worldview.

She wasn't the only one.

"Ranko! That's not an acceptable state for a decent young woman!!"

"Ummm..."

Ranma finally gave a small shrug and decided she was already royally boned as it was so a little bit more
wouldn't make any real difference at this point.

"Hi Mom, it's me."

She gave her staring mother the best attempt at a smile she could muster at that moment.

One could almost hear the little click that went on in Nodoka Saotome's head as she put
two and two together and got a four which now sprouted breasts the size of large grapefruits.

"Ranma!?!"

*Thunk*

"I think she took that pretty well, don't you think, Pops?"

'Boy, that was uncalled for!'

The Panda glared at his son cum daughter as he supported his wife's limp body with
one hairy limb while the other held up his wooden sign.

"When you figure out a way to break it to her gently that my dick disappears in a cold shower, let me know."

Genma flipped his sign around.

'Okay, maybe you have a point there. But still you really need to learn some tact.'

"Then you should have taught me some when you had the chance."

Ranma suddenly punched out, catching Happosai in the face as he sprang for her soaking wet chest.

"Stupid Old Letch."

The little wrinkled martial artist slowly slid off of Ranma's fist and dropped to the floor.

"You ungrateful brat! I've suffered a nasty shock and I need the comfort of a warm bosom
to ease-my-HOLYMARIAJOSEPHANDSANTIAGO!!!"

Ranma blinked in surprise. She'd seen Happosai angry. She'd even seen the old fart scared before.
But this the first time that she'd ever witnessed the ancient pervert go absolutely bone white
from the top of his bald head to the tips of his shrivelly toes.

"Y-y-y-y-y-Yo-yoru-i-yo-y-yoruichi-sama?!"

Ranma just stared at the unprecedented sight of the fearsome Happosai, the Bane of all Japan, China
and most of the rest of Asia, get down on his hands and knees and start groveling at a level and passion
that put Genma and Soun's past efforts in that area to shame.

"Little Happi. It certainly has been a long time, hasn't it."

The pigtailed girl looked at his wife, then at Happosai, then at his wife again. Finally she came to a decision.

"I'm not even going to ask."

Some things were just better off remaining unknown.

-End of Chapter 5

Omake! Omake! Omake!


-Scary Thought, Isn't It Omake

Ranma blinked in surprise. She'd seen Happosai angry. She'd even seen the old fart scared before.
But this the first time that she'd ever witnessed the ancient pervert look like a little kid at
Christmas.

"My God, is it really you? After all these years..."

Slowly, the little figure went down on his knees before the disbelieving eyes of those present.

Producing a black pair of panties from somewhere on his person, he held them out to Yoruichi as if in tribute.

She bent to take it and then took a long appreciative sniff of the feminine underwear in her hand.

"Mmmmmmmm, A fine bouquet. Ripe Kinky Young Virgin. And still warm too."

In the kitchen, Kasumi suddenly put a hand to the bottom of her housedress
as she realized that something was missing.

And then Yoruichi spoke three words that caused the entire Tendo household to recoil from her in horror.

"Rise, my apprentice."

"Yes, My Master."


-There Is No Escape Omake

"SHUNKO!"

This was going to hurt. A lot.

And it did.

But only for a moment.

Ranma blinked and stared up at the blue sky overhead.

"Shit, not again."

Soul Society, the last place in the universe that he wanted to be.

"Why hello there!"

And there was one of the reasons why.

"Oh dear, the belt to my yukata has just come undone, whatever shall I do?
Why I'll be totally exposed to the gaze of whoever happens to pass by."

Zip. Zoom. Gone.

Rangiku Matsumoto snapped her fingers in disappointment.

"I was *that* close."

And the chase was on.