Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Coming Home to Roost ❯ Rock the Cock ( Chapter 6 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: RangerShade 
Baby, I hurt you because I love you.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Comedy / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 07.30.2008 | Updated On: 07.30.2008 | Pages: 8 | Words: 4.9K | Visits: 3.1K | Status: Work In Progress
Baby, I hurt you because I love you.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Comedy / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 07.30.2008 | Updated On: 07.30.2008 | Pages: 8 | Words: 4.9K | Visits: 3.1K | Status: Work In Progress
Coming Home to Roost
by Shade
Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.
Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,
and those inside desperate to get out."
-Montaigne
------------------------
Chapter 6: Rock the Cock
------------------------
His name was Ranma. And at the moment he was dancing around in pain from the kettle
of scalding hot water that had just been poured onto his now steaming head.
"Hot water! Not boiling!!"
"Oh."
Mana cocked her head slightly, her straight face making it impossible to tell if she'd
done that deliberately or not. Her stealthy approach had gone unnoticed until the moment
she'd actually poured the water on her husband's head. It was a useful talent, being able
to blend into the background despite her height and exotic profile. One that she'd developed
extensively during her many hazardous assignments around the world.
As she walked back to her seat, her hips seemed to give an extra curvy sway that captured
Ranma and Happosai's attention like a pair of red hot pliers clamped to their eyes,
though in a much more enjoyable fashion. Placing the empty kettle back on the table
the tall girl sat back down with the tiniest of smirks on her lips.
Ranma was left to wonder why was it that guys could say hello to each other and get it over with,
while girls had to spend forever introducing themselves to each other and what the hell did
Soifon's clothes have to do with what was supposed to be a simple goddamn fucking greeting
and could they just get the whole thing over with already because the suspense of what was coming
was really starting to get to him and oh no Happosai you stupid fuck-
"Don't do it."
It took Happosai a moment to realize the boy was addressing him out of the corner of his mouth.
This of course did not sit well with the ancient master, who was he to tell him that-
"She likes to aim low."
Something in the boy's eyes made the wrinkled letch pause as the unspoken meaning was conveyed.
"Ah."
Happosai crossed his little legs protectively.
"What the hell did you do to bring them here, Ranma," he whispered back.
"Married them."
The old master did a doubletake before spinning around and pointing up at the resigned boy.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Ranma seriously considered that question.
At this point? Probably.
------------------------
Mousse swept the floor of the Nekohanten.
Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.
It really wasn't that bad of a position. He got three meals a day, a place to sleep
and was able to spend the majority of his time around the girl he loved.
Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.
Oh who was he kidding? The old ghoul made his life hell. He had to make do with kitchen
scraps they wouldn't have fed to a pig back in the village, he slept on a straw mat and
Shampoo wouldn't give him the time of day unless it was to tell him it was time to get lost.
*Bang*
"Welcome back, Shampoo."
As usual, the object of his affections ignored his greeting.
"Great Grandmother!"
Mousse's ears twitched. An angry Shampoo was one not safe to be around. But if she was upset
then it could only mean one of three things. Ranma had done something stupid to piss her off again,
one of the other girls had done something to Ranma to piss her off again or there was a new player in
town doing something to Ranma to piss her off again.
As quietly as he could, the white-robed boy started sweeping into the corner where he would be less
likely to be noticed eavesdropping on the increasingly interesting conversation taking place between
the wildly gesturing purple haired amazon and the shrunken old monkey on her long gnarled staff.
'What the hell have you gotten yourself into this time, Saotome?'
-----------------------
What had he gotten himself into this time?
"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"
"Yes dear."
Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently
pointing at his nose. His mother's desire for an explanation that had better actually explain what
the hell this was all about had been temporarily delayed in favor of his third wife getting a simple
point across. Namely, that she wasn't into other girls and that as her husband he should respect her
decision in this matter or suffer a horribly painful death.
Not that Ranma had any problems with that, it wasn't like he was comfortable with the whole tits
on tits thing either. As far as he was concerned the whole tab to slot business was complicated enough
already without having to figure out how to deal with only outlets and no plugs.
"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."
Ranma did his best to ignore the glare of death coming from Soifon as Yoruichi nuzzled up against his back.
It wasn't like he wanted her to press herself so close to him like a kitten playing with her favorite toy,
even if it did feel really good.
Mana didn't bother to give a response as she finally holstered her weapon.
Yoruichi turned towards Tsuruko instead, looking for support.
"Perhaps. But his female form is not to my tastes."
Ranma wondered which females might be to his second wife's tastes but decided it was safer not to let his
mind wander into that dangerous territory as he was pretty certain the answer would only make his situation
even worse if that was still possible.
Nodoka cleared her throat deliberately as if to illustrate that particular point.
"I am still awaiting a full explanation for all of this."
"Um..."
The pigtailed boy's eyes eyes darted around, not daring to meet his mother's intense gaze as he was
well aware that he had a shitty poker face that hid guilt about as well as a sieve held water. He
looked at Kasumi as she quietly pretended to be part of the furniture while she listened and watched
the rest of the room. He watched Nabiki trying to probe for information, unaware that she was actually
giving away more then she was learning from her three ill-chosen targets. He saw Akane alternate between
glaring daggers at him and his wives. He sincerely hoped she wouldn't do anything stupid like try to
get into a fight thinly diguised as a sparring match with any of them. Or even worse, try to be friendly
and cook something for them.
"Well? When were you going to tell me about this...curse?"
The short pause and emphasis on the last word of his mother's question gave Ranma
renewed determination to avoid getting his own gaze caught by the two sizzling lasers
burning holes in the general vicinity of his head.
"Um, never, if we could help it."
By all rights he knew he should have spontaneously combusted from the nuclear death rays
that now seemed to tug his own eyeballs towards the Fully Armed and Operational Deathstar that
now glowered at him from across the table.
"Uh, what the boy means to say Nodoka dearest is that we were trying to fix this little problem
before there was any need to be concerned."
Ranma had to give his father credit where it was due. When it came to fabricating explanations on
the fly to try and escape a jam, the old man could tangle truth and misdirection so completely that
it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.
If Genma had also managed to get what he was supposed to get that morning,
they might live to see tomorrow after all.
--------------------------
With trembling hands, Kodachi carefully removed the engraved wooden cover from a dust covered box
that had sat undisturbed in the darkness under her four poster bed for almost ten years. In it she
had long ago placed items from her childhood. Things that had once been treasured and things
that she had hoped would remain forgotten.
But now she had no choice but to confront those old ghosts again.
"Mother..."
The photo had browned slightly with age at the corners but she could still see the elegant yet
kind visage of the woman who had given birth to her, started to raise her and then sacrificed
her own life to the monsters that had sought them out so that her daughter might live.
Blinking her eyes briefly against the unaccustomed weight of tears that years of training demand
she not shed, Kodachi moved the painful photo away in favor of another equally aged one.
But unlike the last photo, there were two figures in this picture. And there was no mistaking that
feline grin or the telltale features that even a black and white photo couldn't obscure.
There was no doubt about it.
It was her.
"Yoruichi."
-------------------------
Four words cracked through Genma's rambling mixture of denial, obscuration and outright fabrication
like the Trumpet of Doom.
"I can explain everything."
Ranma's heart seemed to skip a beat. That phrase was arguably the one of the last things that anyone
who had any experience at all with prior proclamations of that nature from that particular source
ever wanted to hear.
His dark skinned first wife got up, stretching out her legs as she did so. There was just a trace of mischief
in her smile, which Ranma knew meant that she might as well have held up a big sign reading 'Baby, you're fucked'.
From somewhere in her jacket she extracted what looked like a stuffed toy panda doll. The sight of it seemed
to terrify Genma beyond the capacity of audible speech. The bandana head covering trembled as the older man
made sounds more suitable to a small fuzzy animal caught in the steel jaws of a hunter's trap.
As Yoruichi approached his father with a delibrate stride that sent chills running up Ranma's spine,
he was almost tempted to ask just what she had in mind. But as he valued what was left of his sanity
and peace of mind over his curiosity, the young man remained silent.
WHACK
Yoruichi slapped Genma hard on the back.
The solidly built martial artist jerked forward and coughed something out of his mouth that flew
through the air before suddenly crashing to the ground like a puppet whose strings had suddenly been cut.
"Pops?"
His father didn't seem to be breathing.
"Oh my God! She's killed Uncle Genma!!"
Ranma dismissed that idea immediately. His first wife just wasn't that kind.
Of course even that didn't prepare him for the sight of the little panda doll suddenly getting up
of its own accord and saying in a squeeky voice that bore almost no resemblence to Genma's gruff
tone but was somehow unmistakably the same, "Yourichi-sama!! Why did you have to put me back in here?!"
"Ge-Genma?!"
Soun Tendo pointed a shaky pale finger at the doll.
"Soun old buddy, it's not what it looks like!"
Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.
"This explains so much."
Kasumi looked at him hopefully.
"Really?"
"Well, no. Not really."
-----------------------------
Ukyo Kuonji huddled on the wooden floor under her bed. Somehow she had managed to hold it together
until she had made it back to her shop. But once she'd crossed the front door, the panic
and shaking had suddenly overcome her and she'd fallen back on the instincts of childhood.
She'd almost forgotten how Tsuruko could do that 'look' that made her want to pee her pants.
The woman was a demon, a devil, an unstoppable force of nature that made the Four Horsemen redundant.
And she was married to Ranma.
'What do I do? What do I do?!'
The chef's mind raced, maybe if they ran away together to Antarctica? No, it wasn't far enough.
Send that old perverted master of Genma and Soun after her? She grimaced at the thought of what
might happen. No, best to save that for a last resort. Maybe a lover's suicide? After all, not
even Tsuruko could come after them if she and Ranma were dead, right? But she suspected that her fiance
probably wouldn't agree to that, though if he only knew the true terror of the Aoyama woman....
At times like this, Ukyo really wished that she could have talked to her childhood friend, Motoko.
The two of them had been able to talk freely about many things, united by their dislike of boys, love
of martial arts and mutual terror of She Who Must Not Be Named. But she hadn't seen the other girl
since starting middle school when the brown haired okonomiyaki cook had started her crossdressing
and transferred to a boy's academy.
If only she knew where her old friend was, Kuonji was sure that together they would be able to come up
with a plan to drive off the Demon Swordswoman of the Aoyama Clan.
----------------------------
Tsuruko calmly took a sip of tea.
It was a decent blend, but sadly lacking compared to what she had been served
at the Hinata Dorm when visiting her younger sister. She turned her attention
back to the amusing little drama and said in a pleasant voice, "Do go on please."
"Well I suppose we had better start at the beginning."
"Yes, that would probably be for the best," Tsuruko said without a hint of irony.
"Um."
Eyes turned and focused on a suddenly sweating pigtailed boy.
"I was just thinking..."
"A habit that we certainly wish to encourage," Yoruichi purred.
The young man went red in the cheeks, but continued anyway.
"This doesn't seem like the right place to discuss, uh...private family matters."
Soun lifted his head up at that, indignant outrage radiating from every pore.
"Anything you have to say can be said freely in this household."
In one synchronized movement, everyone else in the room turned to look pointedly at Nabiki
who looked back innocently at them all as if the tape recorder in her hand didn't exist.
"What? Can't blame a girl for trying to make an honest living."
"Actually yes, I can," Ranma told her bluntly.
------------------------
The Foul Sorcerer!
That he possessed the blossoming jewels that were Akane Tendo and Pigtailed Girl
were cause enough for the loathsome fiend to be smited with the justice of the heavens!
But surely that depraved Saotome had sold his soul to demons in order to ensnare the
perfection of womanhood that was his Goddess Nadesico. Nothing else could explain
the lowly cur's connection to such a vision of beauty and devotion as to be
fit for status of a true Samurai's bride.
Oh how she must have suffered, kept away from the House of Kuno by such unnatural powers
from her one destined true love. He must rescue her from the slavish bondage that she might
proclaim her true feelings and reward her hero with both body and soul that naturally
were his by right of the noble bearing and purity of spirit that embodied Tatewaki Kuno.
Wiping a stray trickle of drool from his mouth, the hakama clad figure contemplated his
perfect visage in the full body mirror before him. Yes, he could see why his beauties were
always so excited to get their hands on him and of course he could not deny any of them
the bounty that they so eagerly sought. Those eyes, that face, that perfect head of hair
and of course his body was at its peak. It held the strength of a thousand and the vigor
to satisfy any number of fair maidens though of course his main attentions would always
be given to his three true loves, how could he wound such innocent hearts by turning away
their freely offered charms? It was simply his burden to bear this sinful beauty and the
sensation built up inside of him even as his enraptured reflection threw open the front of
its clothes to display its manly erect nipples.
"Attend to me, Sasuke!"
The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted a scarlet wig with a pigtail
on the end and stuck a pair of imitation silicon breasts under the front of his uniform.
Then in squeaky high pitched trill he called, "Coming Master Kuno."
*fap* *fap* *fap*
-----------------------
"Did you have someplace more appropriate in mind?"
Mana's voice dripped butter and sugar. This in and of itself was enough to
make the hairs on the back of Ranma's neck stand on end. She was never this
sweet unless there was a target that she needed to get close to in order to
introduce you to one of her friends, Mr. Bullet or Miss Combat Knife with
pull out garrotte option.
"Ah...Uh...Um..."
He shot the stuffed Panda a frantic look.
"We have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jade," It squeaked.
"That's right, we have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jad-*GAK*-"
Ranma nearly swallowed his tongue as he did a double take, his brain having
caught up to what his father had said just a little too late.
'Pops, you IDIOT!!!'
Reactions to the announcement varied.
Nabiki gasped and fell over in shock. Kasumi looked confused. Akane looked mildly
digusted but didn't really see why her sister had overreacted like that. So what
if he wanted to schmooze with the floozies? It wasn't like she cared at all.
Mana looked slightly impressed. Tsuruko's calm face revealed nothing of what she thought
about this announcement. Yoruichi merely smiled and made her own plans in the kind of
expectant silence that normally precedes natural disasters such as tornadoes, hurricanes
and tsunamis. Soifon simply glared flatly at Ranma as if she would like nothing more
than to stab him multiple times before cutting off the meat and veggies.
"That's perfect, you can take my little Akane with you on a date."
Ranma just stared at Soun. He had to be kidding. Surely nobody could
possibly be that fucking stupid or impervious to reality who wasn't
a Kuno or a Hibiki.
"Mr. Tendo, this is a *private* *family* dinner."
He tried to stress the important bits as slowly and deliberately as he could.
"Then there shouldn't be any problems with your fiancee. I'm sure you'll show her a great time."
Genma slapped a small stuffed panda arm over his plush face. He couldn't bear to watch this.
Sensing the looks homing in on him from the side of the table, the brave pigtailed martial artist
decided to abandon polite hints and get straight to the bloody point before the blood on the
points was his.
"There's no stupid engagement with that stupid tomboy. I'M ALREADY MARRIED!"
Soun dismissed this argument with a wave of his hand. Petty things like that
would not stop the sacred Tendo-Saotome agreement from going through.
"You will take your betrothed with you to this Heart of Jade and that is final."
"You're not listening to a thing I'm saying, are you?"
"So what time will you be picking her up?"
"Try never."
"Hmmph! Who wants to go to a stupid dinner with you anyway?"
Akane pointedly turned her back on him. She wasn't going to talk to the idiot
until he apologized to her. Ranma was going to have to grovel good and long
on his knees this time, she wasn't going to accept anything less after what
he'd done to her today.
"-thinks they're so hot, just because they've got silicon breasts and stupid
swords and cheating guns. Only losers and weaklings need guns," she muttered to herself.
'Oh shit. She did not just diss the guns.'
At that moment Ranma discovered religion. He silently prayed with all of his heart
and offered his soul to anyone listening that Akane's grumblings had not been overheard
by anyone else.
"Excuse me?"
Helium would have frozen from the deathly chill in those uttered words.
Ranma closed his eyes and bowed his head in resignation.
'Fuck you, Universe. Fuck you so much.'
Any sane person with an ounce of common sense would have been embarassed at having been
caught saying something so rude and apologized. Akane Tendo, having had a very long and
very bad day, with the scent of her own burnt hair still strong in her nose and her normal
patience and understanding pushed beyond the breaking point, was not thinking clearly at all.
"You heard me. Only losers and weaklings need to cheat with guns in order to win.
If you didn't have them I could teach you your place. You and all the other foreign bimbos
think you're so hot with your fake boobs-"
"Shut up Akane. Look Mana, she's mentally retarded and is always saying stuff but it doesn't
really mean anything. She's just like one of those little dogs that likes to bark but is so
weak that they run away-"
The young woman simply looked at him with those predatory amber eyes and said nothing.
"...I'll shut up now," he squeaked.
That was the last straw. How dare Ranma belittle her abilities! She'd have hit him but that
was something that could wait. First, she was going to get revenge for her hair and grind
that big boobed gaijin's face into the floor!
"I challenge you to a match in the Dojo! No guns, just you and me. And when I win,
you and those other floozies clear out of here!"
Even Soun looked a little shocked by his daughter's explosive outburst.
Mana smiled. It was a thing of terrible beauty, like seeing the sleek lines
of a shark approaching through the water right before it made a meal out of you.
"I don't do jobs for free."
The pigtailed boy started to breathe again.
"But this time, I think I'll make an exception."
Ranma's heart skipped a beat.
"After all, I know where I can collect my compensation afterwards."
She looked directly at him again. And it was only then that Ranma finally remembered
that this was the same girl who had once wanted to make out on a smoking battlefield
surrounded by the fresh victims of her unerring sniper skills.
Fucked just didn't cut it anymore. He was now hurtling along
down the Grand Unified Theory of Ass where PI equalled Grass.
"This should be interesting," Yorochi purred to Soifon.
Yep, he was definitely hosed now.
-------------------
In Hong Kong there was an apartment.
In that apartment a television was blaring.
"-Unnamed sources have confirmed that his personal shotgun was the source of the two blasts
to his face. Officials are still looking for this person of interest in the bizzare accidental
death of the Vice President at this Texas hunting lodge. She is believed to be of either Pakistani
or Indian descent and was last seen dressed in traditional tribal clothing. If you see her,
please contact local authorities immediately."
A police sketch flashed across the glowing screen. The face of an unsmiling young girl with
a dusky complexion and eyes like molten gold stared back from the television.
A sound that could have been a croak or a laugh escaped from the figure watching the news.
The television switched off, leaving the room lit only by the pale green glow of the lights
coming from the humming machines around the room's only bed.
A number was dialed. When the other party picked up, the occupant of the bed said,
"Let the Angel fly free. Moses calls for his Sixth to be a sign of good faith.
As it is written, let it be done."
And then there was the click of a connection being broken.
"Soon. Very soon now...."
-End of Chapter 6
-Omake Omake Omake-
.
-This Explains So Much Omake
Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.
"So you're telling me I was fathered by a magical talking Viagra?"
.
-Lord Raa Omake
"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"
"Yes dear."
Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently pointing at his nose.
"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."
"That may be true," Mana conceded as she reholstered her sidearm. Seconds later, she was resting her head
on Ranmafs chest. "But I like the chests of my partners to be deliciously flat."
Tsuruko pondered that preference. "Is there any reason for that?"
"It brings back the happy memories the first time Ranma and I slept together."
"And what if Ranmafs cursed form was that of a Lolita?h the kendoist asked.
"Would you complain if he shared your bed like that?"
"Any port in a storm," the mercenary shrugged. "Ifve had to improvise at the Mahora Academy
with some of my less developed classmates once or twice, but they understood my needs."
.
-Destroying All Faith in the Decency of Humanity Omake
"Attend to me, Sasuke!"
The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted on the rented Panda suit.
Then in gruff voice he called, "Growf! Growf!"
*fap* *fap* *fap*
by Shade
Disclaimer: Takahashi, Akamatsu, Tite Kubo and others own the characters used.
Warning: Strong Language, Suggestive Themes and a Sick Sense of Humor
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in,
and those inside desperate to get out."
-Montaigne
------------------------
Chapter 6: Rock the Cock
------------------------
His name was Ranma. And at the moment he was dancing around in pain from the kettle
of scalding hot water that had just been poured onto his now steaming head.
"Hot water! Not boiling!!"
"Oh."
Mana cocked her head slightly, her straight face making it impossible to tell if she'd
done that deliberately or not. Her stealthy approach had gone unnoticed until the moment
she'd actually poured the water on her husband's head. It was a useful talent, being able
to blend into the background despite her height and exotic profile. One that she'd developed
extensively during her many hazardous assignments around the world.
As she walked back to her seat, her hips seemed to give an extra curvy sway that captured
Ranma and Happosai's attention like a pair of red hot pliers clamped to their eyes,
though in a much more enjoyable fashion. Placing the empty kettle back on the table
the tall girl sat back down with the tiniest of smirks on her lips.
Ranma was left to wonder why was it that guys could say hello to each other and get it over with,
while girls had to spend forever introducing themselves to each other and what the hell did
Soifon's clothes have to do with what was supposed to be a simple goddamn fucking greeting
and could they just get the whole thing over with already because the suspense of what was coming
was really starting to get to him and oh no Happosai you stupid fuck-
"Don't do it."
It took Happosai a moment to realize the boy was addressing him out of the corner of his mouth.
This of course did not sit well with the ancient master, who was he to tell him that-
"She likes to aim low."
Something in the boy's eyes made the wrinkled letch pause as the unspoken meaning was conveyed.
"Ah."
Happosai crossed his little legs protectively.
"What the hell did you do to bring them here, Ranma," he whispered back.
"Married them."
The old master did a doubletake before spinning around and pointing up at the resigned boy.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Ranma seriously considered that question.
At this point? Probably.
------------------------
Mousse swept the floor of the Nekohanten.
Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.
It really wasn't that bad of a position. He got three meals a day, a place to sleep
and was able to spend the majority of his time around the girl he loved.
Sweep. Sweep. Sweep.
Oh who was he kidding? The old ghoul made his life hell. He had to make do with kitchen
scraps they wouldn't have fed to a pig back in the village, he slept on a straw mat and
Shampoo wouldn't give him the time of day unless it was to tell him it was time to get lost.
*Bang*
"Welcome back, Shampoo."
As usual, the object of his affections ignored his greeting.
"Great Grandmother!"
Mousse's ears twitched. An angry Shampoo was one not safe to be around. But if she was upset
then it could only mean one of three things. Ranma had done something stupid to piss her off again,
one of the other girls had done something to Ranma to piss her off again or there was a new player in
town doing something to Ranma to piss her off again.
As quietly as he could, the white-robed boy started sweeping into the corner where he would be less
likely to be noticed eavesdropping on the increasingly interesting conversation taking place between
the wildly gesturing purple haired amazon and the shrunken old monkey on her long gnarled staff.
'What the hell have you gotten yourself into this time, Saotome?'
-----------------------
What had he gotten himself into this time?
"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"
"Yes dear."
Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently
pointing at his nose. His mother's desire for an explanation that had better actually explain what
the hell this was all about had been temporarily delayed in favor of his third wife getting a simple
point across. Namely, that she wasn't into other girls and that as her husband he should respect her
decision in this matter or suffer a horribly painful death.
Not that Ranma had any problems with that, it wasn't like he was comfortable with the whole tits
on tits thing either. As far as he was concerned the whole tab to slot business was complicated enough
already without having to figure out how to deal with only outlets and no plugs.
"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."
Ranma did his best to ignore the glare of death coming from Soifon as Yoruichi nuzzled up against his back.
It wasn't like he wanted her to press herself so close to him like a kitten playing with her favorite toy,
even if it did feel really good.
Mana didn't bother to give a response as she finally holstered her weapon.
Yoruichi turned towards Tsuruko instead, looking for support.
"Perhaps. But his female form is not to my tastes."
Ranma wondered which females might be to his second wife's tastes but decided it was safer not to let his
mind wander into that dangerous territory as he was pretty certain the answer would only make his situation
even worse if that was still possible.
Nodoka cleared her throat deliberately as if to illustrate that particular point.
"I am still awaiting a full explanation for all of this."
"Um..."
The pigtailed boy's eyes eyes darted around, not daring to meet his mother's intense gaze as he was
well aware that he had a shitty poker face that hid guilt about as well as a sieve held water. He
looked at Kasumi as she quietly pretended to be part of the furniture while she listened and watched
the rest of the room. He watched Nabiki trying to probe for information, unaware that she was actually
giving away more then she was learning from her three ill-chosen targets. He saw Akane alternate between
glaring daggers at him and his wives. He sincerely hoped she wouldn't do anything stupid like try to
get into a fight thinly diguised as a sparring match with any of them. Or even worse, try to be friendly
and cook something for them.
"Well? When were you going to tell me about this...curse?"
The short pause and emphasis on the last word of his mother's question gave Ranma
renewed determination to avoid getting his own gaze caught by the two sizzling lasers
burning holes in the general vicinity of his head.
"Um, never, if we could help it."
By all rights he knew he should have spontaneously combusted from the nuclear death rays
that now seemed to tug his own eyeballs towards the Fully Armed and Operational Deathstar that
now glowered at him from across the table.
"Uh, what the boy means to say Nodoka dearest is that we were trying to fix this little problem
before there was any need to be concerned."
Ranma had to give his father credit where it was due. When it came to fabricating explanations on
the fly to try and escape a jam, the old man could tangle truth and misdirection so completely that
it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.
If Genma had also managed to get what he was supposed to get that morning,
they might live to see tomorrow after all.
--------------------------
With trembling hands, Kodachi carefully removed the engraved wooden cover from a dust covered box
that had sat undisturbed in the darkness under her four poster bed for almost ten years. In it she
had long ago placed items from her childhood. Things that had once been treasured and things
that she had hoped would remain forgotten.
But now she had no choice but to confront those old ghosts again.
"Mother..."
The photo had browned slightly with age at the corners but she could still see the elegant yet
kind visage of the woman who had given birth to her, started to raise her and then sacrificed
her own life to the monsters that had sought them out so that her daughter might live.
Blinking her eyes briefly against the unaccustomed weight of tears that years of training demand
she not shed, Kodachi moved the painful photo away in favor of another equally aged one.
But unlike the last photo, there were two figures in this picture. And there was no mistaking that
feline grin or the telltale features that even a black and white photo couldn't obscure.
There was no doubt about it.
It was her.
"Yoruichi."
-------------------------
Four words cracked through Genma's rambling mixture of denial, obscuration and outright fabrication
like the Trumpet of Doom.
"I can explain everything."
Ranma's heart seemed to skip a beat. That phrase was arguably the one of the last things that anyone
who had any experience at all with prior proclamations of that nature from that particular source
ever wanted to hear.
His dark skinned first wife got up, stretching out her legs as she did so. There was just a trace of mischief
in her smile, which Ranma knew meant that she might as well have held up a big sign reading 'Baby, you're fucked'.
From somewhere in her jacket she extracted what looked like a stuffed toy panda doll. The sight of it seemed
to terrify Genma beyond the capacity of audible speech. The bandana head covering trembled as the older man
made sounds more suitable to a small fuzzy animal caught in the steel jaws of a hunter's trap.
As Yoruichi approached his father with a delibrate stride that sent chills running up Ranma's spine,
he was almost tempted to ask just what she had in mind. But as he valued what was left of his sanity
and peace of mind over his curiosity, the young man remained silent.
WHACK
Yoruichi slapped Genma hard on the back.
The solidly built martial artist jerked forward and coughed something out of his mouth that flew
through the air before suddenly crashing to the ground like a puppet whose strings had suddenly been cut.
"Pops?"
His father didn't seem to be breathing.
"Oh my God! She's killed Uncle Genma!!"
Ranma dismissed that idea immediately. His first wife just wasn't that kind.
Of course even that didn't prepare him for the sight of the little panda doll suddenly getting up
of its own accord and saying in a squeeky voice that bore almost no resemblence to Genma's gruff
tone but was somehow unmistakably the same, "Yourichi-sama!! Why did you have to put me back in here?!"
"Ge-Genma?!"
Soun Tendo pointed a shaky pale finger at the doll.
"Soun old buddy, it's not what it looks like!"
Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.
"This explains so much."
Kasumi looked at him hopefully.
"Really?"
"Well, no. Not really."
-----------------------------
Ukyo Kuonji huddled on the wooden floor under her bed. Somehow she had managed to hold it together
until she had made it back to her shop. But once she'd crossed the front door, the panic
and shaking had suddenly overcome her and she'd fallen back on the instincts of childhood.
She'd almost forgotten how Tsuruko could do that 'look' that made her want to pee her pants.
The woman was a demon, a devil, an unstoppable force of nature that made the Four Horsemen redundant.
And she was married to Ranma.
'What do I do? What do I do?!'
The chef's mind raced, maybe if they ran away together to Antarctica? No, it wasn't far enough.
Send that old perverted master of Genma and Soun after her? She grimaced at the thought of what
might happen. No, best to save that for a last resort. Maybe a lover's suicide? After all, not
even Tsuruko could come after them if she and Ranma were dead, right? But she suspected that her fiance
probably wouldn't agree to that, though if he only knew the true terror of the Aoyama woman....
At times like this, Ukyo really wished that she could have talked to her childhood friend, Motoko.
The two of them had been able to talk freely about many things, united by their dislike of boys, love
of martial arts and mutual terror of She Who Must Not Be Named. But she hadn't seen the other girl
since starting middle school when the brown haired okonomiyaki cook had started her crossdressing
and transferred to a boy's academy.
If only she knew where her old friend was, Kuonji was sure that together they would be able to come up
with a plan to drive off the Demon Swordswoman of the Aoyama Clan.
----------------------------
Tsuruko calmly took a sip of tea.
It was a decent blend, but sadly lacking compared to what she had been served
at the Hinata Dorm when visiting her younger sister. She turned her attention
back to the amusing little drama and said in a pleasant voice, "Do go on please."
"Well I suppose we had better start at the beginning."
"Yes, that would probably be for the best," Tsuruko said without a hint of irony.
"Um."
Eyes turned and focused on a suddenly sweating pigtailed boy.
"I was just thinking..."
"A habit that we certainly wish to encourage," Yoruichi purred.
The young man went red in the cheeks, but continued anyway.
"This doesn't seem like the right place to discuss, uh...private family matters."
Soun lifted his head up at that, indignant outrage radiating from every pore.
"Anything you have to say can be said freely in this household."
In one synchronized movement, everyone else in the room turned to look pointedly at Nabiki
who looked back innocently at them all as if the tape recorder in her hand didn't exist.
"What? Can't blame a girl for trying to make an honest living."
"Actually yes, I can," Ranma told her bluntly.
------------------------
The Foul Sorcerer!
That he possessed the blossoming jewels that were Akane Tendo and Pigtailed Girl
were cause enough for the loathsome fiend to be smited with the justice of the heavens!
But surely that depraved Saotome had sold his soul to demons in order to ensnare the
perfection of womanhood that was his Goddess Nadesico. Nothing else could explain
the lowly cur's connection to such a vision of beauty and devotion as to be
fit for status of a true Samurai's bride.
Oh how she must have suffered, kept away from the House of Kuno by such unnatural powers
from her one destined true love. He must rescue her from the slavish bondage that she might
proclaim her true feelings and reward her hero with both body and soul that naturally
were his by right of the noble bearing and purity of spirit that embodied Tatewaki Kuno.
Wiping a stray trickle of drool from his mouth, the hakama clad figure contemplated his
perfect visage in the full body mirror before him. Yes, he could see why his beauties were
always so excited to get their hands on him and of course he could not deny any of them
the bounty that they so eagerly sought. Those eyes, that face, that perfect head of hair
and of course his body was at its peak. It held the strength of a thousand and the vigor
to satisfy any number of fair maidens though of course his main attentions would always
be given to his three true loves, how could he wound such innocent hearts by turning away
their freely offered charms? It was simply his burden to bear this sinful beauty and the
sensation built up inside of him even as his enraptured reflection threw open the front of
its clothes to display its manly erect nipples.
"Attend to me, Sasuke!"
The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted a scarlet wig with a pigtail
on the end and stuck a pair of imitation silicon breasts under the front of his uniform.
Then in squeaky high pitched trill he called, "Coming Master Kuno."
*fap* *fap* *fap*
-----------------------
"Did you have someplace more appropriate in mind?"
Mana's voice dripped butter and sugar. This in and of itself was enough to
make the hairs on the back of Ranma's neck stand on end. She was never this
sweet unless there was a target that she needed to get close to in order to
introduce you to one of her friends, Mr. Bullet or Miss Combat Knife with
pull out garrotte option.
"Ah...Uh...Um..."
He shot the stuffed Panda a frantic look.
"We have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jade," It squeaked.
"That's right, we have dinner reservations at the Heart of Jad-*GAK*-"
Ranma nearly swallowed his tongue as he did a double take, his brain having
caught up to what his father had said just a little too late.
'Pops, you IDIOT!!!'
Reactions to the announcement varied.
Nabiki gasped and fell over in shock. Kasumi looked confused. Akane looked mildly
digusted but didn't really see why her sister had overreacted like that. So what
if he wanted to schmooze with the floozies? It wasn't like she cared at all.
Mana looked slightly impressed. Tsuruko's calm face revealed nothing of what she thought
about this announcement. Yoruichi merely smiled and made her own plans in the kind of
expectant silence that normally precedes natural disasters such as tornadoes, hurricanes
and tsunamis. Soifon simply glared flatly at Ranma as if she would like nothing more
than to stab him multiple times before cutting off the meat and veggies.
"That's perfect, you can take my little Akane with you on a date."
Ranma just stared at Soun. He had to be kidding. Surely nobody could
possibly be that fucking stupid or impervious to reality who wasn't
a Kuno or a Hibiki.
"Mr. Tendo, this is a *private* *family* dinner."
He tried to stress the important bits as slowly and deliberately as he could.
"Then there shouldn't be any problems with your fiancee. I'm sure you'll show her a great time."
Genma slapped a small stuffed panda arm over his plush face. He couldn't bear to watch this.
Sensing the looks homing in on him from the side of the table, the brave pigtailed martial artist
decided to abandon polite hints and get straight to the bloody point before the blood on the
points was his.
"There's no stupid engagement with that stupid tomboy. I'M ALREADY MARRIED!"
Soun dismissed this argument with a wave of his hand. Petty things like that
would not stop the sacred Tendo-Saotome agreement from going through.
"You will take your betrothed with you to this Heart of Jade and that is final."
"You're not listening to a thing I'm saying, are you?"
"So what time will you be picking her up?"
"Try never."
"Hmmph! Who wants to go to a stupid dinner with you anyway?"
Akane pointedly turned her back on him. She wasn't going to talk to the idiot
until he apologized to her. Ranma was going to have to grovel good and long
on his knees this time, she wasn't going to accept anything less after what
he'd done to her today.
"-thinks they're so hot, just because they've got silicon breasts and stupid
swords and cheating guns. Only losers and weaklings need guns," she muttered to herself.
'Oh shit. She did not just diss the guns.'
At that moment Ranma discovered religion. He silently prayed with all of his heart
and offered his soul to anyone listening that Akane's grumblings had not been overheard
by anyone else.
"Excuse me?"
Helium would have frozen from the deathly chill in those uttered words.
Ranma closed his eyes and bowed his head in resignation.
'Fuck you, Universe. Fuck you so much.'
Any sane person with an ounce of common sense would have been embarassed at having been
caught saying something so rude and apologized. Akane Tendo, having had a very long and
very bad day, with the scent of her own burnt hair still strong in her nose and her normal
patience and understanding pushed beyond the breaking point, was not thinking clearly at all.
"You heard me. Only losers and weaklings need to cheat with guns in order to win.
If you didn't have them I could teach you your place. You and all the other foreign bimbos
think you're so hot with your fake boobs-"
"Shut up Akane. Look Mana, she's mentally retarded and is always saying stuff but it doesn't
really mean anything. She's just like one of those little dogs that likes to bark but is so
weak that they run away-"
The young woman simply looked at him with those predatory amber eyes and said nothing.
"...I'll shut up now," he squeaked.
That was the last straw. How dare Ranma belittle her abilities! She'd have hit him but that
was something that could wait. First, she was going to get revenge for her hair and grind
that big boobed gaijin's face into the floor!
"I challenge you to a match in the Dojo! No guns, just you and me. And when I win,
you and those other floozies clear out of here!"
Even Soun looked a little shocked by his daughter's explosive outburst.
Mana smiled. It was a thing of terrible beauty, like seeing the sleek lines
of a shark approaching through the water right before it made a meal out of you.
"I don't do jobs for free."
The pigtailed boy started to breathe again.
"But this time, I think I'll make an exception."
Ranma's heart skipped a beat.
"After all, I know where I can collect my compensation afterwards."
She looked directly at him again. And it was only then that Ranma finally remembered
that this was the same girl who had once wanted to make out on a smoking battlefield
surrounded by the fresh victims of her unerring sniper skills.
Fucked just didn't cut it anymore. He was now hurtling along
down the Grand Unified Theory of Ass where PI equalled Grass.
"This should be interesting," Yorochi purred to Soifon.
Yep, he was definitely hosed now.
-------------------
In Hong Kong there was an apartment.
In that apartment a television was blaring.
"-Unnamed sources have confirmed that his personal shotgun was the source of the two blasts
to his face. Officials are still looking for this person of interest in the bizzare accidental
death of the Vice President at this Texas hunting lodge. She is believed to be of either Pakistani
or Indian descent and was last seen dressed in traditional tribal clothing. If you see her,
please contact local authorities immediately."
A police sketch flashed across the glowing screen. The face of an unsmiling young girl with
a dusky complexion and eyes like molten gold stared back from the television.
A sound that could have been a croak or a laugh escaped from the figure watching the news.
The television switched off, leaving the room lit only by the pale green glow of the lights
coming from the humming machines around the room's only bed.
A number was dialed. When the other party picked up, the occupant of the bed said,
"Let the Angel fly free. Moses calls for his Sixth to be a sign of good faith.
As it is written, let it be done."
And then there was the click of a connection being broken.
"Soon. Very soon now...."
-End of Chapter 6
-Omake Omake Omake-
.
-This Explains So Much Omake
Ranma just looked at the gesturing stuffed panda.
"So you're telling me I was fathered by a magical talking Viagra?"
.
-Lord Raa Omake
"You will not under any circumstances get into bed with me as a woman. Is that understood?"
"Yes dear."
Ranma's eyes had crossed in their efforts to keep track of the large caliber sidearm currently pointing at his nose.
"Awwwwww, but he makes such an adorable looking girl."
"That may be true," Mana conceded as she reholstered her sidearm. Seconds later, she was resting her head
on Ranmafs chest. "But I like the chests of my partners to be deliciously flat."
Tsuruko pondered that preference. "Is there any reason for that?"
"It brings back the happy memories the first time Ranma and I slept together."
"And what if Ranmafs cursed form was that of a Lolita?h the kendoist asked.
"Would you complain if he shared your bed like that?"
"Any port in a storm," the mercenary shrugged. "Ifve had to improvise at the Mahora Academy
with some of my less developed classmates once or twice, but they understood my needs."
.
-Destroying All Faith in the Decency of Humanity Omake
"Attend to me, Sasuke!"
The short weasel faced ninja tried to repress a shudder as he fitted on the rented Panda suit.
Then in gruff voice he called, "Growf! Growf!"
*fap* *fap* *fap*