Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Reluctant Bet (2nd Labor) ❯ No respect for the dead ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Third Segment: no respect for the dead


Grumbling under his breath, Grey eyed the group and tried to play the role of Ranma. He looked the part, he dressed the part. He just couldn't *think* the part. He was still trying though.

"I'm not going to marry him!" Akane yelled, glaring at Ranma.

"Sounds good to me," Ranma agreed. "Now that that's been established, i'll just go find somewhere else to be."

"BOY!" Genma's yell sent droplets of spittle flying. "You don't have any choice about this, it is a matter of honor!"

"So? Seems to me that if you're the Head Of Clan, the family honor has pretty much died a long and painful death." Ranma shrugged as he wiped spittle off his face. "All i can deal with is MY honor. In which case, being married to some pathetic Bruce Lee wannabe with pretensions of feminity is not a terribly sane move."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"Did i mention names?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?!"

Ranma eased back, fully aware that his martial arts skills were rather on the order of Hiroshi or Daisuke and nowhere near the real Ranma's. Still, he didn't back down before bullies. He just hoped that because this was some kind of manga universe, that all those critics were right and Akane was nice and kind and not really violent at all. If she didn't do anything violent he'd apologize because she would have proved that she wasn't a violent psychobitch. "You see what i mean? C'mon, couldn't you give me a better choice than this? If i'm gonna marry, couldn't it at least be someone who has more charm than a venomous spider?"

"WHAT?!"

"You're in no position to be picky about women, Ranma!" Genma wondered what was going on with Ranma, he wasn't nearly as crude in language as usual. And where did he get a backbone? He had the Saotome School Of Personal Interaction down pat.

"So you agree with me," said Ranma, trying to find Akane a better target for her anger. Or maybe she'd literally explode from apoplexy. It would save him a lot of trouble.

"RANMAAAA!" Soun started going into Demonhead mode. As the attack used the opponent's own chi against him, there was no way an inexperienced boy could withstand it.

"Hmmm. So *that's* what that looks like." Ranma cocked his head to the side. "Somehow i was expecting it to look more impressive." Maybe it had just been those years being eaten alive by parasitic worms but some Kabuki effect just didn't scare him.

Soun deflated. It was almost as if the boy's chi was pathetically low, to the extent that the feared Demonhead was... less than effective. Or maybe there was another explanation.

"Hey, 'pop' i'm curious about something anyway." Ranma looked mainly innocent and tried to ignore the still angry girl standing next to him, though he wished he had some marshmallows to roast if she was going to put out all this heat. "How come the Tendo arranged marriage is so important compared to *all the other marriages* you arranged for your only son?"

"Oh dear," Kasumi said, looking fairly scandalized. The remark that Ranma had made on greeting her at the door, about "how amazing to find someone with such a gentle beauty was still single at her age" had started all sorts of reactions within her. So the boy was used to being sold off? The earlier tale of Ranma's travails still echoed in her ears and had engaged all sorts of maternal instincts.

"This gets more and more interesting," opined Nabiki, munching on a rice cracker. Flattery had gotten the boy nowhere with Nabiki, of course. Sweeping in and telling her that he hoped that Nabiki Tendo was half as good a financial wizard as he had heard. She kind of appreciated the effort, though. And what his father had put him through, well, Nabiki would deny it but she wasn't completely heartless.

"What kind of PERVERT are you?!" Akane glared and took a seat, secretly relieved that this whole engagement thing seemed to be getting sidetracked. Though why wasn't anyone paying attention to HER! This was intolerable! Stupid boys! And this guy would be worse than most with a history like his father had described, he might well be a cereal killer! Errr. Serial killer.

"More than you can handle?" Ranma smirked and winked at her. "Good! Now, 'pop' tell me why marrying a Tendo is more important than marrying a Kuonji."

"Eeep!" Genma eeped. "Wh-wh-wha? When did you? Hahahahaha, you're such a kidder, Ranma."

"What about Daikokuji? Or any of the other dozens of fiancees you've arranged?"

"Foolish boy! Six, at most!" Genma's eyes widened. "I mean, it's not..."

Ranma grinned as the hostility was at least temporarily diverted. As this wasn't a crossover universe, some of the more interesting possibilities weren't available. Now if it had been like that crossover universe where Genma had gone to college with his old buddy Jiro Kino... or the one where Genma had promised that he would marry his firstborn to the daughter of Yasuhori Morisato... or the one where he had ended up engaged to an android because Genma had known the inventor and that had qualified as a 'daughter', even that really completely bizzare timeline where Ranma had turned out to be the reincarnation of a swordsman named Parn and an elf named Deedlit had arranged her own engagement.

Hey, viewing timelines was cheap.

"So we'll just make SURE that the Tendo marriage is done before anyone else shows up," exclaimed Genma.

Ranma winced as his plans got derailed.

"Y-y-you PERVERT! You're just trying to get to some Honeymoon? DREAM ON!" Now she knew what was going on. He was acting like he WASN'T interested in her to get her offguard, THEN he'd start with the perverted crap. Stupid boys!

"With you it would be more a Nightmare worthy of Freddy Krueger," Ranma grumbled a little louder than he had actually intended.

"And what exactly is wrong with my daughter?!" Soun began to go into Demonhead again just in case the first time was a fluke. Maybe the boy had just made a Saving Throw or something.

"With Kasumi? Almost nothing except she's too selfless and not nearly prepared for all the insanity that accompanies panda-man here. While she's beautiful, kind, and in many ways the Traditional Japanese Wife, she's not even close to being ready for adventures of her own." Ranma nodded at Kasumi, thankful this wasn't like one of Bader's fics where Kasumi would pull a leather dominatrix transformation sequence out of nowhere and start cracking a whip. If it HAD been, he'd be waiting for her to crack a whip and transform into some "Magical Dominatrix Leather Kasumi" or something like that. Or worse, one of those psychotic killer Kasumi universes. "She's beautiful, charming, kind, and gentle. Deserving far better than myself, of course."

"Oh my," Kasumi said, coloring slightly. She wasn't like that, was she?

"Nabiki, on the other hand, is a bit too vicious, too mercenary, and entirely too manipulative. While she could become a fun, intellectually stimulating, and decent human being if you could cut through all that, she's got more thorns than i'm comfortable with. Just her tendency to treat other people as objects and usual attitude of 'profit uber alles' is a major turnoff." Ranma seemed to consider her briefly. "When she wants to be, she can be as sexy and charming as any cinema vixen, plus she's got the makings of a financial genius if she can get out of her 'quick buck' fixation and into the serious planning. But engage me to her right now and she'll sell your precious dojo for tea money."

"Huh?" Nabiki's rice cracker almost fell from her grasp. How did he know her this well? She wasn't like that, was she? OK, maybe a little... Sexy, huh?

"And then there's Akane. Give me a #$!@#% break!" Ranma frowned as he regarded the Tendo patriarch. "She's no good at anything traditionally feminine, and pretty damn poor at a lot of modern skills. In some ways it's as if your daughters were one woman broken into three pieces. Kasumi got the most spiritual nature, the kindness, the traditional skills and mature beauty. Nabiki got the raw sexiness, the intellectual edge, the mischievous and playful side. Akane was thrown together from everything discarded from the other two."

"WHAT?!" Akane was standing again and progressively growing angrier. "You-you-you!"

Ranma winced but noted that Soun was still waiting. Nothing to do but go on with it, and he couldn't lie directly. "i find her neither physically nor emotionally attractive, nor would i feel any sort of intellectual stimulation around her. Nausea, perhaps. She's a bully, violent, and spiteful. There are times when she makes the effort to be cute and nice and kind, but only on her terms, and mainly she operates on levels of pride and the assumption that because she's Akane Tendo she can do and get away with anything. Her martial arts skills are among the most basic - she can break things. Period. There's..."

"YOU JERK!" Akane kicked the boy out into the backyard. "YOU...." Words were failing her, she had passed mere anger.

"Can't handle the truth, Akane?" Ranma pulled himself up, wincing at the pain where it felt as if a rib might have broken. "Proving my point about you being no better than Kuno or any of those boys you..."

Akane brought her arms down from where she'd lifted the massive stone lantern and thrown it at the boy, who'd tried to scramble out of the way only to slip. She stared at where the boy's head seemed to have vanished below the stone, almost as if the neck were now merged to the carved stone.

Kasumi crossed herself.

Nabiki's rice cracker hit the table.

"M-m-m-my son?" Genma stared. Ranma should be bouncing back up. Why wasn't he bouncing back up?

"A-Akane. You..." Soun stared, he'd known that Akane had been developing a temper problem. Well, it was the boys fault. If he hadn't wanted to be splattered into little gobbets of goo, he shouldn't have said those things.

"Waitaminute, you said he was a martial artist," Akane said, unable to tear her gaze away from the red spray around the impact site now that it was penetrating what THAT was. "He should have been able to take that. It wasn't my fault!"

The body flared with golden light as Toltiir's Binding activated. The light died and Ranma groaned and sat up from a few feet away. "Oh man. i died, *again*? That one *really* hurt."

"R-R-Ranma?!" Kasumi stared at the slightly charred place on the ground, that had a silhoutte similar to the boy sitting in the grass. "How did you?" Kasumi locked up as she realized the boy had *died* and then gotten back up.

"Oh, anybody got some Tylenol? Oh, if i die, i reincarnate. If i'm severely wounded, i regenerate. Problem is, it hurts like hell." Ranma staggered up and leaned on one of the rocks surrounded the koi pond. "Also I'm never the same twice."

"Then we can have the marriage right away!" Soun beamed and clapped Genma on the shoulder.

"WHAT?!" Ranma and Akane chorused. "NO WAY!"

"After all, even if she kills you, you'll pop back up again in no time. Very clever, Saotome!"

"Thank you, Tendo," Genma laughed and clapped Soun's shoulder back. Privately Genma was troubled as well as elated. How *had* he taught the boy this technique? OF COURSE! It must be another side effect of his Jusenkyo curse!

Ranma twitched. Obviously, even being vaguely reasonable was too much. There was only one course of action left open to him. "SAOTOME FINAL TECHNIQUE! Run away!"

Everyone blinked as the person they believed was Ranma fled.

There was a long pause before Soun and Genma erupted from the table to give chase.

Unfortunately for Ranma/Grey, as he was no longer a cyborg and never an expert martial artist, he was a lot slower than Soun OR Genma.

-------------------

Soun and Genma were celebrating that they had brought Ranma back. Akane was angry and sulking.

Which meant that the tied up ersatz Ranma was being guarded by two other members of the Tendo household.

Nabiki broke the uncomfortable silence after about a half hour. "NONE of this makes sense."

"Nabiki?" Kasumi watched her sister remove the gag from Ranma's mouth.

"Okay, talk. Your dad's been telling us you went insane at Jusenkyo. I want some answers and I want them now." Nabiki's gaze was flat as she stared into Ranma's eyes.

"If this is gonna take awhile would you mind letting me go to the bathroom? It's been a really long time..."

"Oh dear." Kasumi winced.

"You're not getting away that easy, bub." Nabiki frowned. Of course, he was right. It *had* been at least four hours since his arrival.

"i *really* gotta go."

"OK, I'll just come in there with you." Nabiki smirked. Let's see how serious he was.

"WHAT?! Oh yeah, this is Japan. You bathe together. I think I remember something about unisex bathrooms. Could'ja just look elsewhere then?" Ranma, it should be said, was quite serious.

Nabiki and Kasumi returned with the prisoner five minutes later, Nabiki's bluff called and raised.

"Oh my," repeated Kasumi for what seemed the fiftieth time.

"Urd must have taken liberties," Ranma shrugged. "It's not my fault."

"Uh yeah," managed a distracted Nabiki. "Uhm. Yeah, I got questions."

"Well, after that, i'm inclined to pay you back. Ask, and if i can, i'll answer you honestly." Grey sighed. They'd even untied him when it was obvious that the circulation in his arms had been cut off. He was still trying to convince his arms to move on their own.

"You died. Boom. Splat." Nabiki noticed how Kasumi had flinched at the sound effect. "Sorry, Kasumi. You don't know Japanese customs worth squat. You remembered to take your shoes off, but didn't remember the house slippers, and you just dumped your shoes in an empty spot instead of arranging them. There were a few other slips like offering to help Kasumi in the kitchen. No JAPANESE male would do that, particularly in a stranger's house. And you seem to know us. How?"

"That's more than one question," Ranma pointed out.

"OK." Nabiki thought about government agencies and the like, or maybe this was some sort of scam. "Who do you work for?"

"Heaven."

"I thought you were going to be honest."

"i am honest. In fact, i cannot directly lie. Rules of my employment." Ranma shrugged. "You asked me where i worked. i work for the Rival Relief Office, Asgard. A sort of troubleshooting agency."

"You work for Heaven? Prove it!" Nabiki didn't like to be made fun of.

"Hmmm, okay. Where's your phone?"

Nabiki led Ranma to the phone and watched as the boy clumsily put in a long set of numbers, a very long set of numbers.

"Hmph, this better not be long distance, Saotome."

"Hello? Einherjar Training Hall 67B? Grey here. According to my scans, there's a Kimiko Tendo there? Can you put her on? Thanks."

Nabiki and Kasumi stared.

"Hello? Kimiko Tendo? This is Grey, guardian daemon trainee. Fine, thanks. Listen, this call will probably get me in even *more* hot water but i figured you'd want a chance to talk with your daughters and this was what i came up with. Thanks, you too." Ranma looked over at Kasumi. "Kasumi. She wants to talk to you first."

Kasumi was timid as she began listening, her eyes starting as she remembered the voice on the phone. Tear tracks formed in very short order as she murmurred indistinct replies. Soon Nabiki and Kasumi were trying to share the phone and simultaneously laugh and cry and come apart. The voice, and the feel, fit. Things that only a member of the family could know were spoken of, an identity confirmed.

Ranma gave them some room. If *anything* qualified as a private family moment, this would be on the list. He considered fleeing again, but decided against it. Honor. Not the original Ranma's honor, but a sense of honor nonetheless. Or at least duty.

"YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Akane glared at the boy, then looked questioningly at her sisters.

"A-Akane!" Nabiki held the phone up, trembling and with a shining face. "It's Mommy! She..."

Akane stormed down the stairs and took the phone. "WHATEVER KIND OF TRICK THIS IS, IT ISN'T GOING TO WORK!" Slamming the phone down, Akane turned the full force of her glare at Ranma. Unaware of the shocked looks turning near-murderous behind her. "Whatever kind of scam you and that father of yours are pulling, leave my family OUT OF IT!"

"i'm trying," Ranma admitted.

"Try harder!" Akane continued her path to the kitchen.

"Can you..." Nabiki looked hopefully at the phone.

"Nope. If i try again, they'll expect it and intercept it." Ranma shook his head sadly. "i remember scanning this timeline earlier, and that your mother died of injuries incurred when a pedophile tried to break in while your father was away. Which is one reason he's an emotional basketcase. Since your mother died of battle in a Cause (protecting her home from an invader), i checked and found she'd been accepted as an einherjar - one of the warriors of Asgard.

"i might be able to get letters delivered, but it's tricky and i haven't got THAT many favors left i can call in. There's a lot of rules about that sort of thing, and it's mainly a lot of THOU CANNOT kind of stuff." Ranma shrugged and gave a crooked smile.

Kasumi nodded. Then fainted as this had been entirely too much. Even after a week of having a sometimes-panda as a houseguest. Ranma tried to catch her but his arms were still in the pins-and-needle stage.

Not feeling so good herself, Nabiki realized she needed some serious thinking time. And right now she couldn't think straight. "Okay, we're going to Kasumi's room. Put her on the bed, I'll take a position near the door. YOU aren't going anywhere till I've straightened this out."

Ranma frowned slightly. "Then i don't think i'm going anywhere for awhile."

-------------

Nabiki's thoughts finally stopped whirling after a few hours and a brief nap. Looking across the room at where Ranma was curled up on the floor, she was continuing to work through some of the angles but had come to several conclusions.

1) Ranma could be polite, kind, and even thoughtful. To anyone EXCEPT Akane and his Father. His suggestion that if they wanted to unite the families, that Akane and Genma should marry, did not go over particularly well. Especially to Akane and Genma.

2) Ranma might be insane, but if so it was a sort of insanity that affected the Reality around him. Speaking to her dead mother had been convincing. That HAD been her mother. She'd devised a couple of verbal traps, and both had been neatly defused. She'd sounded like Mother, her choice of words had been like Mother, she'd known them like Mother. Ergo: Nabiki had spoken with her dead Mother. Whom Ranma told her was now a warrior in Viking Heaven.

3) Ranma was an absolute jerk when it came to Akane and his father, could be quite rude and vicious when he felt threatened, but came across as somewhat shy around Kasumi.

Nabiki regarded the figure carefully when her attention was caught by Kasumi's movement from her bed. Kasumi held a finger across her lips and pointed at the boy.

Nabiki returned her scrutiny and saw what Kasumi had seen now that she was looking AT him instead of merely looking in his direction while thinking.

Expressions passing across the boy's face: horror, pain, anguish, despair. Twitching muscles, an occasional snarl or grimace, hands clenching. Occasionally Nabiki would see anger show, but the other emotions were a lot more frequent. Tears came at one point, though not nearly to the extent of her father's displays. Nabiki wondered what Ranma had gone through...

Genma's words came back to Nabiki and she knew that they had already occurred to Kasumi. "Well, there was the Catfist training, and there was the Touched Soul, and the..." A long litany had followed. Using the boy as barter for food. Using his son as a human punching bag to teach him toughness. There had been a lot of terms from martial arts training that Nabiki hadn't immediately placed, but she'd been sufficiently intrigued to remember them. And then asked Doctor Tofu about them with the idea of selling the info to Akane about special martial arts techniques. After the details of the Touched Soul, Catfist, Oceanborn, and Lion's Cub training had been explained, Nabiki had given up the idea of her sister learning them.

Nabiki looked back to Kasumi who winced every time Ranma twitched until she finally crawled back under her covers to face away from the boy on the floor.

Then that last line of Genma's came back to Nabiki, and even the Ice Queen, mercenary ruler of Furinkan, flinched. "...and then there was that time I sold him to some pedophiles. But I stole him back before they'd gotten too involved." How involved was too involved?

Sleep was a long time coming for Nabiki. Between this and the words of her mother, she had a lot to think about.

--------------------

"Oh wow, an obento!" Ranma looked at the funny little box wrapped in a napkin and wondered if he could remember more of this stuff. He hoped there wasn't any eel in there. He hated eel. Octopus was okay, as long as it was cooked and breaded. But eel was way too gamey.

"RANMA! You must go to school!" Genma glared at his son.

"Oh. Twist my arm. Gee. Oh the pain. i actually have to get away from my imbecile father for eight hours a day. Oh, what a tragedy!"

Nabiki surprised herself by giggling. Naturally the moment she caught herself, she pulled her dignity around her like a cloak. Nobody would accuse her of giggling like a schoolgirl! She noticed Ranma gave her a grin and found herself smiling back until the treasonous expression could be caught.

"You MUST get an education, son! It is for the good of the Anything Goes dojo!"

"Ya mean i can't be a parasite on society like yerself?" Ranma tsked. "Oh well, guess that means i'll just haveta get going. Thank you, Kasumi-chan! C'mon, Nabiki-sempai, let's get out of here before yer little sister shows her face and ruins my day."

"I HEARD THAT!"

"Too late."

"AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING, SLEEPING IN MY SISTER'S ROOM?!"

"Keeping my word that i wouldn't run away," Ranma said, cocking his head to the side. "Besides, what concern is it of yours?"

"Jerk! Eeep!"

Soun realized that he had knocked aside his youngest daughter and spared a moment to apologize. "RANMA! YOU SPENT THE NIGHT WITH ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS?!"

"We invited him, besides, how else were we to keep an eye on him like you wanted?" Nabiki smirked at her father.

"'We'?!" Soun turned grey and fell over as if he had turned to stone.

"Oh, father, father, father."

Genma brightened. If Nodoka heard about THAT she surely would conclude that Ranma was manly! "Kasumi, Nabiki, BOTH of you?"

Kasumi blushed and tried to explain. "Well, we invited him in. But all we did was sleep together."

Nabiki snorted as she tried to keep from chortling openly. Akane's face was especially precious. Nearly as shocked as Ranma's. Genma was crying tears of happiness, while her father was so shocked he wasn't even crying.

Ranma left the house abruptly, not wanting to get further involved, and *knowing* with absolute certainty that no matter what he said it would be taken wrong. Of course, then he stopped at the gate with the realization that he had no idea of how to get to Furinkan High School.

Kasumi tried once more to explain, but she was still a bit rattled from the day before and trying to make sense out of events she didn't quite grasp yet. "Well, we wanted to thank him for..." Kasumi's voice trailed off as she tried to think of a way to explain speaking over the phone to her deceased mother. "Errr. And we had to bathe with him..." Kasumi got even more flustered as she realized what that had sounded like. "I mean..."

Nabiki made a strangled noise as she lunged for the door, feeling even her iron control dissolving. She made it to the street before nearly laughing herself sick.

Kasumi made a final attempt with what scraps of dignity she could gather together, blushing furiously. "I mean that he was a perfect..."

Akane blew up at this point, covering her ears and screaming as she lunged out the door. She couldn't bear hearing any more of this. THAT PERVERT! How he had seduced her two sisters was beyond Akane's ken, but Ranma would be punished!

And what was *she* - chopped liver? How dare he seduce her sisters and not even look at her! She'd teach him a lesson! Akane stopped, went over the last two thought processes, and frowned. So THAT was it! He was trying to get her jealous so that SHE would approach HIM! THAT PERVERT!

Soun gradually uncurled as an idea penetrated. "SAOTOME!"

"Tendo?" Genma had a peculiar smile as he watched Kasumi hurry to her room (overwhelmed by embarassment) and lock the door. ~Heh, chip off the old block.~

"If he sleeps with Akane, the future of the dojo is assured!"

Genma smiled at his old friend. "Soun, old boy, that's just what I was thinking. After all, that is *one* way to cut through a lot of the hostilities. Work off tensions. Get to know each other better."

"So it's Soun..."

"and Genma's..."

They chorused the last line. They'd done something like this since grade school, after all. "OPERATION SLEEPOVER!"

Crackle. Thoom.

-------------------------

Ranma walked alongside Nabiki, wondering how he was going to fake knowledge of kanji, much less Japanese history. The translation program had worked okay so far, but wasn't there some sort of entrance exam for Japanese High School? Nobunaga Oda and Ieyasu Tokugawa weren't likely to come up in American High School, and he couldn't even name all the US Presidents. And there was also the problem of having viewed so many divergent timelines.

"...so act you don't know me. That way I can set the odds on everything. You're in the same class as Akane, so just try to get along with her."

Ranma flinched. "That knuckle-dragging barbarian?" Well, maybe he could make up for Japanese History in the English classes.

<WHAM!>

Akane looked down from her 5'0" height at the fallen boy. "YOU LEAVE MY SISTERS ALONE! AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BARBARIAN, YOU JERK!"

"Ranma! Try not to die before school, it's bad form!" Nabiki called over her shoulder.

Wiping spittle off his face, Ranma nodded. "Okay, tell ya what, Tendo. You lay off the hostility and name-calling, and so will i. Good enough?"

Akane snarled and started towards the school. "Don't even presume to lay down terms to me. I have no use for a spineless wimp like you. You have *no* martial arts skills."

Ranma sighed. "And HOW long is it going to take for this timeline to stabilize? i wonder how the real Ranma is doing..."

Ranma got within sight of the battle as Akane beat on a fair number of hormone-crazed jocks who were stupid enough to accept Tatewaki Kuno as their spokesman. "It's not as if... " Ranma stopped as something occurred to him. "i will *never* be able to fill Ranma's shoes acting AS Ranma. So why not try to fill Ranma's shoes as *me*?"

Ranma got to the school, started across the yard, and was immediately accosted by a raging kendoist.

"You there, what is your name?"

"Gre-- Ranma Saotome. Whatsit to ya, Kuno?" The pigtailed boy continued making for the doors, as obviously Kuno wouldn't be a problem because Ranma had no interest in Akane, right?

"FIEND! I have learned of your intention to steal the fated Bride Of Kuno! Have at thee!" <SLASH>

"Eeep!" Ranma ducked and reached inside his school uniform. Well, at least this was sword fighting, so he had a chance.

Seeing his foe crouched before him helpless, Kuno raised the bokken up over his head preparatory to cutting this knave in half.

<VSSSSSHHHHHHHH> <VUM VUM VUM> <Wsssshhhhhhhhh.clik>

Kuno blinked. His foe had moved. There was a cold breeze blowing from somewhere.

A voice from a second story window stated the obvious. "Nabiki? Am I imagining things or did that boy produce a lightsaber and cut all of Kuno's outer clothing off, leaving the 'Shooting Star' of Furinkan High School standing in a pair of 'Urotsukidoji' boxer shorts?"

Nabiki's interest was further piqued. ~Speaks with the dead by phone call and carries a lightsaber? What other secrets do you have, Ranma Saotome?~ "That's what it looks like, all right."

Akane looked from where Kuno was standing with a look of shock on his face, to where Ranma was now entering the school building, and back to Kuno. "That... that... JERK! He wasn't fighting me for real!"

Kuno lowered the blunt rod of what had once been a bokken as a cold breeze blew bits of his clothing across the yard. "Saotome, how dare you use foul sorceries to disrobe me!" ~And how can the great Tatewaki Kuno get a sword like that?~

----------------

The door came flying open. Ranma winced, expecting it to be Tatewaki Kuno.

"Hey, teach, just got paperwork done to be student here. Got open desk?"

Ranma raised his head slowly to confirm what his ears were telling him.

"Hmmm. Seems to be in order. But class is already in progress and you're NOT wearing a school uniform."

"Well," Shampoo said with a shrug that did interesting things to her "Yes, they're real" t-shirt, "sorry my Japanese not very goodly. If someone help with Japanese, Shampoo help them with English, yes?"

"Shampoo Jones, transfer student from Los Angeles California?" The teacher looked her over. "You're American? Well, *that* explains a lot. Hasn't anyone explained the uniform code yet?"

"Shampoo try very hard fit in, but not have lot of time do so yet!" Shampoo bowed to the class. "Am Shampoo. Very pleased to meet you!" Shampoo bowed again.

Two of the more hormonally overloaded boys fainted, massive nasal hemorraghes in place.

"Aiyaaa." Shampoo looked at the mess, then smiled and took a chair next to Ranma without further prompting. "Shampoo do best she can. Oh, maybe neighbor with kind eyes help?"

"Yeah, sure," Ranma frowned thoughtfully, wondering what Shampoo was hoping to accomplish. Why hadn't she waited? Had she been kicked out of her village? Did she still have Ponyta? In that vein, maybe he should let his other pokemon out. They were essentially in stasis in a pokeball but they needed to get out every so often anyway.

Hiroshi and Daisuke eyed the cuteness of Akane, then back to the American exchange student. And you *know* what they said about Americans. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. And that T-shirt. And those tight jeans. And those cowboy boots. Hiroshi and Daisuke were perilously close to joining the nosebleed section.

Akane looked at that pervert who was threatening the stability of her household (that would be Ranma), then at the foreign bimbo next to him. It occurred to her, putting a faint smile on Akane's face, that if she could get Ranma and Miss Jones together then he'd leave her house and her life would return to normal.

The class continued, though many minds were not anywhere near the current lesson.

----------------------

Ranma noticed the girl sit down next to him, fairly close but as they were both sitting with their backs to the tree, that wasn't so unexpected. "Okay, Shampoo, what are you up to?"

"Oh, Mister Saotome, I just want sit down and eat lunch. Is OK? Not know anyone here." Shampoo smiled, causing two guys watching in the distance to faint.

"That beauty salon treatment is really something, I guess." Ranma noted the light make up. "Or... wait a minute. Cell dye?"

"Not wearing makeup. Shampoo just look better each day." Shampoo looked over at the obento. "You not eat your squid?"

"Go ahead." Ranma offered her the piece of inverterbrate which she daintily plucked with a pair of chopsticks and happily gulped. "What about Ponyta?"

"Mousse mistake for suitor and attack. Ponyta respond with Ember attack. Shampoo leave after putting out fires. Could have used Squirtle. Village not fireproof, very difficult we put out fires."

"Uh oh. Here comes the floor show," Ranma groaned as he saw Akane striding directly for him.

"That Akane? Girl you have to make nice-nice with? Shampoo offer sympathy."

"HEY! You jerk! How come you never fought me the way you did Kuno?" Akane glared down at the boy picking at his lunch.

"Well, there goes my appetite. What, Tendo? Did you want me to slice your clothes off?"

"Just fight me for real, damn you. I've heard Mister Saotome talking to my dad about you inheriting the dojo. Well, that dojo is MINE! I am the Heir of the Anything Goes style, and you aren't anywhere NEAR my level!"

"True, at least in martial arts. Now that this has been established, do you mind leaving and letting me get on with my lunch?"

Shampoo giggled.

"So you *are* a coward!" Akane frowned as the boy continued to sit there. "Aren't you going to fight me?"

Ranma blinked up at her. "If i valued your opinion, even in the slightest, your name calling would bother me. i don't, so it doesn't."

"GET UP AND FIGHT ME!"

"Okay, Shampoo do." Shampoo got up and dusted her jeans off. Again causing a couple of watching boys to collapse from hormonal overload.

Akane looked at the American girl's manicure, not sensibly trimmed as a martial artist would do. This American wasn't even in a proper martial arts stance. "Get real. I'm challenging Ranma. Stay back or you're gonna get hurt."

"Shampoo?"

"Not now, Airen. Shampoo gonna kick this girl's behind so bad she be tasting Shampoo's toenail polish."

"I warned you," stated Akane, throwing a punch. She didn't intend to harm this weak American, just scare her off. Then Miss Jones would leave Ranma alone, and Akane could make friends with her after Akane had gotten Ranma out of her life. And if she had to be meaner and more bad tempered than at any other point in her life to drive Scam-artist & Son out of her family's life, so be it!

Ranma grumbled and sat back against the tree.

Shampoo smiled, altered her stance slightly, and kicked Akane in the stomach. HARD. No, she wasn't thinking about how Grey had described any timeline where she came in second best or worst behind a girl who equated love and violence. (Reminded her of can't-get-a-clue Mousse.) No, it didn't occur to her even for a moment that when she and Ukyo had snuck a couple of Ranma tapes out of Grey's backpack that she really disliked playing also ran to someone who referred to her constantly as a bimbo. The thought that if she got rid of this Akane, that *she* would then have the coveted position of True Fiancee never crossed her mind.

"Oooopppphhggg," said Akane, reassessing the other girl's skill level slightly.

Shampoo did a legsweep, knocking Akane down, then flipped away.

"Oh, well, you won't take me by surprise again!" Akane started getting up, scowling slightly. What was this girl doing? Weren't Americans supposed to be couch potatos?

"Jones Special Attack! Ponyta- I choose you!" Shampoo bounced a baseball-like object off Akane's head.

Akane rubbed the point of impact when a white horse, with mane and tail of flame, appeared in front of her. "What the..."

Shampoo smirked and put a black cowboy hat on. "Ponyta! Stomp!" As Akane sailed over the fence and off school grounds, Shampoo leapt onto her fire horse's back and rode around the school three times whooping and hollering. Waving her cowboy hat over her head all the way, of course.

Hiroshi and Daisuke watched the ersatz cowgirl and agreed. She HAD to be American. Maybe she was just confused about using Chinese phrases in her Japanese. And, of course, they were *just* the people to educate the girl.

-------------

a small planet, 13.4 billion light years away:

"Okay, Urd. What did that potion do?" Toltiir was so distracted that he changed form three times before he turned into a Ghastly sort of pokemon briefly.

Urd sat back on her cloud and appeared to be mainly focussing her attention on filing her nails. "You know Grey. Him dying was inevitable. Though I admit I thought it would be his luck that would do him in, instead of his mouth."

"True, his intense dislike for Akane seems to mainly manifest in him ripping into her verbally." Toltiir shifted from a flaming fanged black ball to a Rubik's cube. "But I'm not easily distracted, Norn. What did you do with the potion? Normally, the Surikomi Eggs cause a bond of obedience and the victim views the Master as a trusted parent."

"Grey would freak at being *anyone's* master under some form of mind control. His assignment would be abandoned as he went off to find some way of breaking it." Urd glanced up to see Toltiir had taken one of those eyes-edgewise forms and shuddered. She promptly returned her attention to nail-filing. Those there/not-there things always gave her the creeps. "On the other hand, what do you know of his love life?"

"Let's see. There was Becky, Dale, Aya, Mariko, Shoko, Lynn, Debbie, Melissa..."

Urd waved the Elder silent, noting that he now looked like an razorbeak except that the flying omnivores didn't usually wear a black tuxedo. "Even before you turned him into a daimon, he was used by many women. A friend, often, never romantically. The few times when he got past the point where they MIGHT have considered him, he was discarded when better prospects appeared or when certain facts were revealed. His uncertain health, lack of money, lack of height - and eventually lack of confidence. He never made any effort to conceal his allergies or lung problems, and that counted poorly against him as well. He never did learn not to put all his cards on the table.

"So... he's come to the rescue, only to be passed over. Repeatedly. He even admitted that to Lita Storm when the two met on his First Labor, and she immediately plastered herself to the Phoenix Mage when given the chance to do so. Despite, one might add, the crowded playing field there."

"Well, yes, but it was funny. Besides he wasn't anatomically correct until the last upgrade of the cyborg package." Toltiir didn't care if it was bad or good or ugly. Funny was his main concern. "And I *was* hoping Cologne would fall for him."

"He would have found a way to flee the timeline if you put THAT kind of pressure on him." Urd waggled a finger at what was currently a green frog still in a tuxedo. "And AFTER you transformed him? The same thing started happening again. Miya dumped him because he was a full conversion cyborg and didn't have the equipment. Even though it was a temporary condition. He tried briefly dating Edema, but she's into the leather and whips thing and that killed any chance of a deep relationship with him. He's the cuddlesome type. On that Pokemon world, he had a relationship beginning with that researcher girl Holly. Then she stole most of his acquired pokemon and ran off in the night. The thing is, he's fallen in love before and it has *never* been returned. Sensitive caring guys in standard American cultures are seen as disposable assets.

"So... it was irresistable for the Cupid of Love!"

"Eros?" Toltiir looked around in his Robin Goodfellow guise. "Don't see him anywhere."

Urd impacted the elf with a large mallet, only to be annoyed by him folding in the manner of an accordian and playing a small tune. "NO. I meant, of course, myself. In this timeline, he really does have someone who loves him! Plural, in fact."

Toltiir, now a pink tiger, hacked up a furball. It squealed and ran around in circles. "In THIS timeline? Urd, look at the way it originally turned out! Ranma and Akane were turned into loving slavesluts of Tatewaki Kuno. This is a Darkline. If those two marionettes try anything there's a good chance they'll die. Besides they look just like Shampoo and Ukyo, things are confusing enough without getting two pairs of twins involved."

Urd pouted slightly, annoyed that Toltiir had figured it out. "I just modified the eggs so that Shampoo and Ukyo would view Grey as their not-so-intelligent little brother that needed to be protected. I kept the dominant angle, but altered the way it was expressed so that it's more of a desire as opposed to a compulsion."

"Except that you got some details wrong," Toltiir displayed the ingredients and equations of the potion on a cloud. He could bestir himself and do the analysis himself, but if you had to explain the joke it wasn't worth it, so he rarely put out the effort.

Urd blinked. "Oh my."

"Uh huh," a black haired version of Nabiki said with a smirk across her face. Toltiir finally noticed his shifting form and stabilized, this time as a television set with George Burns as a TV newsanchor on the display.

"Waitaminute, what's SHE doing there?" Urd managed to sound slightly distressed.

"Who? There are an awful lot of 'hers' out there y'know."

Urd regarded the television set briefly. "You know what I mean. That 'Princess Fatora' clone. That female version of Ataru Moroboshi/Happosai. That..."

"Oh, you mean Starch? She got intrigued by watching Shampoo riding Ponyta, plus the entire idea of doing two sets of well endowed identical twins at once." The screen version of George looked mildly amused. "You know all 'Bet' timelines are 'Bring Your Own Villain' and Starch is a ready made rival."

-----------

Ranma tugged nervously on his pigtail, walking out of the school with one girl while another glared daggers at him from a few feet away. He hoped that Akane would just stay there and chat with her friends. "Uhm, so where are you staying, Shampoo?"

"Right now am staying at School." Shampoo hopped slightly over a puddle from an earlier storm. "Shampoo get to teach English to Japanese. Is fun! Shampoo very good at English once use neural teacher!"

"That's good." Ranma mused for a moment. "What about Ukyo, Shan, and Sakyo?"

"Ukyo come along but have to make trip to wrap up loose ends in Osaka. Shan and Sakyo with her." Shampoo glanced slyly out of the corner of her eyes at Ranma. "Grey miss thems?"

"Call me Ranma now," Grey advised. "That's my job for awhile."

"Okay, Ranma." Shampoo smiled mysteriously. "Ranma remember what happen in Shampoo's Village? You remember defeat Shampoo?"

Ranma backed off slightly. "Hey, i am not the real Ranma. You know that."

"Ranma! Hold up!"

Both turned to see Nabiki come running up.

Panting slightly, Nabiki looked between the two, her expression unreadable. Finally she caught her breath and tried to look unconcerned. "That horse that was here earlier..."

"C'mon, Shampoo, i'll introduce you to Kasumi and Nabiki, and we can talk there." Ranma gestured and tried to figure out where the Tendo dojo was.

"It's THIS way, Ranma-kun." Nabiki gestured. "I take it you don't want to repeat this a lot."

"Yeah. Kasumi might need to know because she cleans. Genma and Soun do *not* need to know. Akane doesn't have a lot of self control. If I get your promise not to spread the information any further, without my permission, I can tell you and Kasumi at the same time."

"You think you can trust?" Shampoo eyed Nabiki, having seen actions she considered less than trustworthy on that tape.

"Well, if not, you can always feed Nabiki to your Ponyta."

Nabiki paled slightly and wondered if Ranma were joking. He *sounded* like he was joking. On the other hand, Shampoo looked serious about it. Oh dear.

"HOLD IT YOU!" Akane ran to catch up with the three. "Ranma, you coward, letting some bimbo fight your battles for you!"

Shampoo frowned. Nabiki frowned. Ranma groaned.

"Look, it's one of the constants of the setting. 'Ranma does not hit Akane.' The one time he's actually ready to fight her for real, in the Battle Dogi chapters, she lets him know that if he actually hits her she'll never forgive him. And it is also revealed that her family was aware that she's *always* been operating under that philosophy. So, what's the point of me fighting you?" Ranma checked the way the wind was blowing, forming a plan. He didn't count the koi rod fight as that wasn't really Ranma...

"What are you talking about NOW? Just fight!" Akane went into a ready stance.

"Well, it isn't how Ranma would handle this," Ranma said, pulling a sphere out of his vest, "but here goes. Pepe! i choose you!"

Akane's eyes widened as she saw a black and white striped form appear out of the shimmering light.

Pepe looked at Akane and waggled his eyebrows. "Ah, mon petite femme Pokemon Trainer? You wish to do battle with me, perhaps? But I can think of many more pleasurable activities we might engage in, non?"

"Stay away you PERVERT!" Akane sent a punch at the odd creature, only to have it grab her fist and kiss it. Akane gritted her teeth and her hair was standing up as Pepe started kissing his way up her arm. Her nose twitched as a scent reached her nostrils.

"Ah, l'amour! Ah, du jour! Ah, le tour! Ahhhhh!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Akane fled, at high speeds, scrambling to get away.

Pepe waggled his eyebrows as he watched the girl fleeing. "Ah, she is the shy one, is she not? What quaint courtship rites they have here. But wait, Pepe knows what his part is to be in this game. If one runs, then the other must pursue, no?"

Watching Pepe bounce off into the distance, Ranma was unsurprised to see Nabiki and Shampoo hiding.

"That was Pepe," said Nabiki in a wondering voice from her place of concealment behind a trashcan.

"She know of Pepe?" Shampoo had been a little distressed to learn of the psuedo-French skunk herself. After all, if he had been used to defeat her back at the village...

"That was PEPE LE PEW!"

"i've been to a few really bizarre worlds," agreed Ranma. "Well, let's get going!"

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