Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ End Game ❯ Desperate Measure ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Lord Archive 
Akane wants to make sure the battle for Ranma will be her total victory.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Drama / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 12.07.2012 | Pages: 8 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 1.4K | Status: Completed
Akane wants to make sure the battle for Ranma will be her total victory.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Action / Drama / Martial Arts / Romance | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 12.07.2012 | Pages: 8 | Words: 6.8K | Visits: 1.4K | Status: Completed
End Game
Chapter Two: Desperate Measure
By: Lord Archive
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and is used without consent nor intent of profit. All rights reserved.
This is set in the manga time line. Anime only events do not apply.
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Akane gazed at her marriage certificate. This had become a bit of a ritual every morning and night to remind herself why she was submitting herself to the hell that was training. She wanted this to actually mean something. Yet in her weeks of training, she barely spent any time at all with her supposed husband. Was there any real reason for spending her golden week getting functionally mauled by a panda repeatedly when it kept her away from Ranma? At least school restricted some of her training time.
"Bukweep?"
Akane glanced over at P-chan and smiled softly. "Don't worry about me. I just wish this wasn't just a piece of paper." She held it up for the pig to see. "It says I'm 'Saotome Akane,' but it actually doesn't mean anything yet."
"WEEP?!" the pig screeched.
Akane giggled. "You really don't like Ranma, do you? Well, get used to it."
The pig huffed.
"I'm going through training just to be able to defend myself when Shampoo and the others learn they've lost." Akane pouted. "Only they really haven't 'lost' yet. Ranma can protest the marriage and it'd make this paper worthless."
P-chan seemed to sneeze.
Akane didn't pay it much mind. "I don't want it to be meaningless, but what can I do? I can't let him just have his way with me here. People would know."
"EEP?!" the pig screeched.
"Maybe I should follow Sayuri's example, but a love motel sounds so sleazy," Akane muttered.
Blood spurted from the pig's nose as he fell of the desk, completely unconscious.
"P-chan?!" Akane yelled and scooped up the small mammal. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were sick."
Rushing down the stairs, Akane placed a phone call. "Hello, Akari-chan? I think I need some help. My pet piglet just sneezed blood and passed out."
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Akari looked at Akane, who was holding her still-out-of-it-pet-pig, with a blank stare.
"Thank you for coming, but you didn't have to rush over here," Akane said politely.
"I would never let a pig suffer needlessly," Akari replied unemotionally. "How long have you had him as a pet?"
"Over a year, I guess. Why? Is he getting old?" Akane wondered, wishing she knew how long pigs could live.
"You really don't know, do you?" Akari questioned.
"Know what?" Akane returned quizzically. "Is there something wrong with my little P-chan?"
"What sort of things have you done with your pet?" Akari demanded.
"Ah, fed him and let him sleep in my bed...," Akane trailed off. "Have I been doing something wrong?"
"Have you changed clothes with him in the room? Told him any secrets you wouldn't tell anyone?" Akari pressed.
Akane nodded in absolute confusion
Akari reached out and plucked the pig from Akane's arms. "If you honestly don't know, then the only thing you might have done wrong is being dense."
Akane blinked.
"Excuse me, I need to take care of this dirty hog," Akari grumbled cutely.
"What was that all about?" Akane wondered.
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" Akari's voice bellowed from the bathing room.
Akane frowned, thinking that shout was meant for her. What had she been doing wrong?
"One night would be accident, OVER A YEAR IS NOT!" Akari shouted.
Akane had just treated the pig as a pet. Were pigs so different from cats and dogs that she had been unintentionally hurting her beloved pet?
Ryouga suddenly ran down the hallway, completely naked. "Sorry," he called out as he passed her, soon followed by his irate girlfriend.
"Katsunishiki, run that stupid cheating hog down!" Akari shouted, tears streaming down her eyes.
Akane stared. Wait did Akari think Ryoga was cheating on her? Akane vowed to clear things up. Ryouga was just a friend, nothing more. Akari wasn't taking him from her any more than she would cheat on Ranma. Especially not with Ryouga.
Akane frowned. She did have to admit Akari's boyfriend did have a nice body, and... package. If not for Ranma maybe she might've been interested. She then shook her head. The love motel was looking a lot more appealing. She really shouldn't have looked at someone's boyfriend like that.
--------------------
Akane blinked as Sayuri shoved a pile of pamphlets into her hands during lunch. "What are these?"
"Information on the local love motels. I jotted down the pricing for the ones that didn't list them," Sayuri answered.
Yuka shook her head. "You put too much effort into it. Just go to one."
"I'd hardly want to accidentally pick a love garage when we have no car to have fun in the back seat of," Sayuri pointed out. "Not to mention some of the places... have themes."
"Themes?" Yuka wondered.
"Who would have sex in a 'Hello Kitty' room?" Akane questioned in disgust as she looked at one of the pamphlets.
"I honestly don't want to know," Sayuri replied.
Yuka leaned over. "Oh, I'm sure you'd have fun in that gymnasium room."
"Hardly," Akane scoffed. "I'd rather have something nice and romantic."
"Ai Himitsu is good and cheap for that, if you don't mind plastic under the sheets," Sayuri informed.
"You've already done IT?!" Yuka screeched happily. "What was it like?"
"Embarrassing, painful, pleasurable, and messy." Sayuri sighed. "I don't regret anything, but I really wish he wasn't in a rush to leave afterwards to avoid paying for another hour."
Akane pouted. "Still think you should've waited. What if you got pregnant?"
"He used a condom..." Sayuri shook her head. "Only one time. When he didn't, it felt a lot better. I'll deal with an accident if it happened. Might rope him into marriage if I am."
Akane looked away. "Still think it's a mistake."
Yuka huffed. "Keep this up and I'll get you and Ranma drunk and toss you into a room. You love him, right? You shouldn't have to wait to get that bod in bed. Enjoy having a hunk."
Sayuri nodded. "Stop the act of being a prude. We know you want him. And you have nothing to fear. It might even be a good idea for you to get pregnant. Those Amazons are a matriarch society, right? They should respect motherhood above all else."
Akane pouted. The pamphlets found their way inside her book-bag, causing her friends to smile knowingly.
--------------------
Akane was frankly surprised she hadn't sprained her ankle earlier. It was a wonder she hadn't broken any bones putting up with Genma's bizarre and hellish training.
Less than ten minutes after getting hurt, Ranma had appeared demanding to know what happened. After splashing Genma and punting the panda into a wall, he disappeared for a moment to return with someone that made Akane feel rather uneasy.
"This won't be good at all," Cologne commented with amusement.
"Is it bad?" Ranma asked.
Cologne whapped him with her staff. "I'm talking about the interruption in her training. She'll hardly be a good match for Shampoo if she's hurt."
"You want me to get stronger?" Akane wondered.
"Shampoo may talk a good murder, but she's no killer." Cologne took a closer look at the ankle. "Frankly, I hope she never learns what it's like to have blood on her hands."
Akane seized up as the ancient amazon poked her tender flesh. "I think she'd make the exception with me."
"All the more reason for you to train," Cologne returned. "Though I'm not sure if she would fight as hard now for him."
"I know, he's letting her know what he's really like," Akane muttered. "A complete and total jerk."
Cologne let out a laugh. "He's exaggerating it a little, but Shampoo hasn't noticed that part of it is an act."
"Why aren't you supporting Shampoo?" Akane asked skeptically.
Cologne smiled knowingly. "I have my reasons."
Akane didn't know what to make of that.
"Stay off it for the next few days and it should be fine," Cologne advised.
Akane nodded.
Cologne turned toward the boy. "You better not let Shampoo see your concern for her, or you'll undo all the work you two have done these past few weeks."
--------------------
Akane gritted her teeth as the school day ended. Her classmates were all stupid. How can a sprained ankle be the result of 'abuse.' Well, it sort of was, but it certainly wasn't caused by Ranma. Not directly at least. Then you've got the boys pestering Ranma over how good Shampoo was in bed.
"Do you really think I want to be the wife in a marriage and live in a backwater village in the middle of nowhere?" Ranma spat.
"With someone like Shampoo? Fuck yeah!" was the reply.
"Ranma," Akane growled. "We need to talk." The boys looked at her expectantly. "Alone!"
Ranma smirked as the boys took a step away from her. "Fine." He scooped her up and leapt out the window with her. "Where do you want to talk?"
The first thought cause Akane to flush. Well she was married to him.... "Ai Himitsu."
Ranma looked confused yet blushed deeply. "Isn't that what we've been doing? Keeping it a secret."
Akane was sort of thankful he didn't know that she gave him a name of a love motel rather he thought she had said 'love secret.' "Ranma, Ai Himitsu is the name of a love motel."
Ranma missed his jump and crashed face first into the side of a home. He didn't seemed to notice when he looked at her with a slightly panicked look. "A sex motel?"
"Yes." Akane looked away. "I mean we are married and I've been going through all that training... I want it all to mean something. If you don't want to, we don't have to..."
"You know what happens if the others find out?" Ranma warned nervously.
"The same thing that'll happen if they learn I'm 'Saotome Akane,'" Akane reminded.
"Are you sure?" Ranma pressed.
"I am," Akane stated firmly, but then meekly added, "But if you're not ready..."
Ranma gazed deeply at her. "You know, I promised Shampoo I'd help her today." He smirked at the scowl he received. "So, where's this motel?"
"Ah, it's on Hikari, but I don't know where exactly. A friend suggested it," Akane answered.
--------------------
Akane felt flushed even as she buttoned up her shirt. Now she felt married to him. That the piece of paper in her room really did have meaning now.
"You know, I'm never goin' ta understand you," Ranma groused.
Akane glanced at him. "What do you mean?"
"You keep yellin' at me about being a pervert and then you do this." Ranma shook his head.
"It's only perverted when it's in public." Akane's red face deepened. "In private we can do all the stuff your mother has suggested."
"Don't give me any details," Ranma muttered.
Akane giggled. "At least I can honestly say you've been 'manly' for me. Though I thought you'd be better, considering you turn into a girl."
Ranma blinked. "What do you mean?"
"You were a little too quick and didn't touch me where I wanted." Akane cocked her head. "But in a way I liked it better that way."
"Huh?" Ranma uttered in confusion
"This way I know I'm your first," Akane told him with a smile.
"It was that obvious, huh?" Ranma looked away, seemingly dejected.
Akane touched his cheek. "No one is good his first time. I'm sure I made mistakes, too."
Ranma nodded shyly.
Akane cast a seductive look. "And we can 'spar' like this again and again."
Ranma smiled in a goofy way. "Right."
--------------------
Akane performed a kata by the koi pond while Ranma watched her intently. Part of her should be bothered by his intense and perverted eyes, but she was debating suggesting they go to the love motel. Honestly he should be annoying Shampoo, but Ranma claimed his parents were forcing him to watch after her because she had 'stupidly injured herself.'
"Ah, hey."
Akane snapped out of her thoughts and was a little surprised at the sudden appearance of a bandana-clad boy.
"Hey, P-chan, what's up?" Ranma groused.
Akane frowned at Ryouga. "Ah, hi. I think Akari has the wrong idea about us."
Ryouga began to sweat. "About 'us?'"
Akane nodded. "She called you a 'cheating hog.' Have you been able to clear things up? I mean, I could talk to her, make it clear I'd never be with you like that."
Ryouga staggered back as if he had just been stabbed. He giggled nervously. "I think she understands what really went on. Nothing for you to worry about."
Akane let out a sigh of relief. "That's good." She then pouted. "Did she say anything about P-chan? What was I doing wrong with him?"
"Ah... um..." Ryouga trailed off, uncertain how to reply.
"Knew I forgot something," Nabiki announced her presence. "Akari called the other day saying something about P-chan having an allergy to people."
Ryouga's eyes brightened. "That's right, an allergy. P-chan has an allergy to people."
Akane gasped. "Oh, no what should I do for him?"
Ryouga shifted uneasily. "Send him to Akari. She knows how to take care of pigs with that sort of problem." He laughed nervously. "And... ah... don't get too close to him."
Akane pouted. "I really was dense that I never knew I was hurting P-chan. Excuse me." She ran to her with tears in her eyes.
Ranma and Ryouga promptly pulled out money and handed it to Nabiki.
"Nice doing business with you," Nabiki chirped.
--------------------
Akane bit her lip as she focused on cooking. Once again Ranma floated behind her, and she wasn't about to let him interfere.
"I'm off to go on a date," Nabiki announced.
"Who is it?" Ranma wondered.
Nabiki waved a finger at him. "That information won't be free."
Akane blinked. "Are you actually serious about this date? You're not out to milk some poor guy?"
"That remains to be seen." Nabiki smirked. "I didn't know vinegar was an ingredient in miso soup."
"Ack!" cried out Ranma and Akane as both failed to note what the cook was doing.
"I noticed that you've managed to ditch Kodachi," Nabiki noted. "And Shampoo isn't nearly as good a customer as she has been, even with you here for the past week."
"Good," Ranma groused.
"You will find that Ukyou will not go away so easily. And even though I know how to deal with her, I'm not about to let my last meal ticket go," Nabiki told them evilly.
Akane frowned bitterly as she dumped the soup down the drain. "At some point Ranma will just have to tell her the truth."
Nabiki leaned in and almost taunted, "And just what is the truth?"
Akane scowled as Ranma seemingly shrugged cluelessly.
Nabiki waved her hand dismissively. "If you could get lover-boy to tell her, it'd still break her heart. I, however, know of a method that would make HER drop the issue."
"What is it?" Akane demanded.
"I don't think you could afford it. But seeing as you're working on dealing with most of your suitors, I figure I'd put out the hook and see if you can find something to make it worth losing Ukyou as a customer." Nabiki turned around. "See ya!"
--------------------
"Ranchan, got dinner for ya," Ukyou called out.
"I've got delicious food for you, Airen," Shampoo echoed at the same time.
The two girls scowled at each other.
"You two are life savers!" Ranma quickly grabbed the food from them.
Akane gazed at the floor. "Thanks."
"Royally screwed up dinner, Sugar?" Ukyou wondered.
Akane flinched.
Ukyou failed to hide her smirk. "You'll figure things out eventually."
Shampoo folded her arms. "She is not the only deluded one."
"Since when did you learn how to speak Japanese?" Ukyou shot at the amazon.
"Told the airhead I found it annoying," Ranma replied directly to his childhood friend.
"I'm not an airhead!" Shampoo protested.
"If the shoe fits," Ukyou returned smugly. "You certainly liked giving everyone pet names like that."
"I learned Japanese in a matter of weeks, you still haven't in sixteen years," Shampoo belittled.
"That's an accent, fluff-for-brains," Ukyou growled.
"Too bad there is no test for intelligence. I would win," Shampoo shot at her confidently.
"Sure there is," Ranma corrected. "They made me take one after I started Furinkan."
"I will take that test and prove I am not an airhead!" Shampoo vowed.
"I'll show you who's the smartest," Ukyou pledged.
--------------------
Akane really wanted to know how she had 'agreed' to the intelligence challenge. Yet here she was taking the same IQ test with Shampoo and Ukyou, and there was no way she'd let them beat her.
Focusing on her test, Akane couldn't tell how her pencil suddenly exploded in her hand. Looking up, she saw her competitors glaring at each other, destroyed pencils littered around them. Since when was this 'Anything Goes Martial Arts Test Taking?'
The proctor coughed. "There is no time limit. Interfering in each others' tests won't change the outcome." He then passed out another set of pencils to each of them.
The statement only held for a few minutes before the crack of another pencil echoed in the classroom. The battle resumed, with Shampoo and Ukyou more focused on each other. That didn't leave Akane unmolested as some attacks did come toward her. Shampoo opting to flick bits of broken pencil at hers trying to mess up her writing, while Ukyou was somehow using a throwing spatula as a yo-yo-- wanking her weapon back by a string.
After a few more minutes and a few attempts to dodge the attacks, Akane's anger got the best of her. She began to fire back, she aimed for their pencils, but more often hit the yielder.
The proctor shook his head and muttered, "This is ridiculous."
--------------------
A large number of Furinkan students gathered in the yard, each intent on hearing the results of the test. The three examinees in front and most anxious of all.
"This is the most unique experience I've had running this test," the proctor noted. "Never have I seen the examinees attack each other."
"Get on with it!" yelled one of the students.
"Ahem," the proctor coughed. "As for the test itself, the results highlight an inherent weakness in the test. That an answer that is wrong per the test is not technically wrong to the one taking the test. In some ways the answer is more correct, yet is still wrong."
"What do you mean?" Ukyou wondered.
"Cultural differences can shift the results. 'Where do you get milk?' may seem an innocent question, and the 'correct' answer for someone in Tokyo is 'from a store' however 'from a goat' is wrong per the test though it would be correct if the test was geared to a farming society," the proctor explained.
"And where does the store get its milk?" Shampoo growled.
"As I said, cultural differences can shift the results," the proctor affirmed. "Tendo Akane has the highest score, barely, and Shampoo the lowest. However, even some of Kuonji Ukyou's answers have a cultural influence."
"Is Akane the smartest?" demanded a student.
"With a margin of error, none of the girls are definitively smarter or less intelligent than the other. Tendo Akane is strongest with academics, but is weak in comparisons. Shampoo is strongest in problem solving, and weak in academics. Kuonji Ukyou doesn't have a primary strength nor weakness."
Akane blinked. "It's a functional tie?"
The proctor nodded. "I really have nothing more to add." He turned and left.
The mob of students turned to where Nabiki had been previously, but she was now nowhere in sight, everyone of them having lost the bet of who was the smartest suitor.
--------------------
"You have screwed up."
Akane jumped and turned around. She stared in surprise at Cologne. "What do you mean?"
"Shampoo knows something is up. You had too much strength behind your attacks on her during the test," the elderly amazon intoned. "You managed to bruise her."
"So?" Akane wondered.
"Dear, she went through Bakusai Tenketsu training years ago. Your previous attacks on her never hurt her before," Cologne explained harshly. "Now suddenly you can flick a piece of cheap wood with enough force to leave a purple welt."
Akane frowned deeply. "What should I expect?"
"Shampoo will be spying on you to find out what secret you have. When she learns the truth, you will be challenged to fight," Cologne warned.
"Wonderful," Akane moaned.
Cologne leapt away, almost too fast to be seen.
"Your rest is over. Sprained ankle or not, you've got to get better fast."
Akane jumped again. This time she didn't turn. She could only nod. "Yes, Ranma."
--------------------
"Naked pictures," Ranma offered.
"Of you, Miss Why-Do-I-Need-Modesty?" Nabiki joked. "I've got a fair number already. Even when you're a guy. Must say I feel sorry for Akane."
Ranma flushed deep red. "Hey! I probably wasn't... you know..."
Nabiki raised her pinky. "Some were droopy, others were definitely not."
Ranma growled. "Me with Akane."
Nabiki blinked. "You mean you, as a girl, with Akane, naked and going at it, to sell to Kuno and half of Furinkan?"
Ranma's face looked ready to explode in a shower of blood. He gave a shallow nod.
"Desperate, aren't you?" Nabiki grinned. "And have you asked Akane if she'd be willing?"
Ranma's head shook slightly. Then his head shot toward the floor as the girl in question pulled down sharply on his pig tail. "A-A-Akane?!"
His secret wife was almost as red-faced as he was. "I thought we were going to discuss that price first."
"You were busy with the test," Ranma weakly defended.
Akane moved to focus on her sister. "IF your idea works, college tuition."
Nabiki wagged her finger. "Daddy has trust funds for all of us. We get access to them at marriage or when we go to college. While a lot of money from yours would be tempting, I can milk Ukyou's delusions for years if you let her hang."
"That's awful," Akane growled.
"That's business. If you want Ukyou to drop her claim, come up with a better offer," Nabiki gloated.
--------------------
"Marry me so you may escape your unwanted betrothal!" Kuno announced.
"No." Akane unleashed a combination of blows that ended with the wannabe samurai imbedded into a wall to punctuate her answer.
A dashing young man walked up to her with a quizzical expression. "You wouldn't happen to be related to Saotome Genma, would you?"
Akane blinked. "Excuse me?"
Ranma seemingly leapt out of nowhere, perched on top of a nearby fence and looked ready to pounce.
The man appraised the newcomer. "And you look as if you might be one of Tendo Soun's boys."
"Huh?" Ranma emitted in confusion
"Why are you looking for our fathers?" Akane wondered.
"Greetings, I'm Kudo Yoshikawa." the young man bowed. "I suppose you've heard of the pledge made at Kudo Inn?"
"What pledge?" Ranma growled.
The man frowned more at Akane's look of confusion. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering the tale my father told me. Twas over ten years ago when the great Saotome Genma and Tendo Soun arrived at my family inn to celebrate the defeat of the horrible demon that had plagued our city. Using sake we supplied, they trapped the mysterious molester of our women in a cave. In the celebration, my father drunkenly offered to have me marry one of their daughters. Tendo Soun sadly said he had three sons, but he would allow his promise to join their clans to shift to Saotome Genma's daughter. From what I understand, Saotome Genma was in drunken slumber and had not been in on the pledge."
Ranma began to laugh. "That's two for your old man."
Akane glared at him. "And counting our engagement, three. Two for your father, and Shampoo was all you."
"Ah, but I'm afraid that Tendo Soun's agreement must take precedence, Saotome-san." Kudo held up a pieced of paper seemingly written in brown ink. "The pact was drawn up in blood."
"Problem with that," Ranma chirped evilly. "I'm Saotome Ranma, and she is one of the three Tendo daughters. Her old man lied from word one."
Akane's eyes scrunched as she tried to read the chicken-scratched writing. "There's a curse written here."
"Sadly, yes. Ill will befall your clans if I do not marry the daughter of Saotome." Kudo frowned at the boy. "You don't have a younger sister, do you?"
Ranma grimaced. "No."
Akane cocked her head. "What about a Tendo daughter?"
"Tis not what is written." Kudo shook his head. "An oni is cursed upon my clan. His power is far reaching, and it is upon his name this was written."
"What?!" Ranma grabbed the pledge and read it over. "If this is the cause of my curse...."
Akane folded her arms. "Daddy would be deserving of the beating."
"Curse?" Kudo questioned. "It would be strange that the curse of ill family fortune to activate before we were of marrying age."
"How do we break this pledge?" Ranma demanded.
"The terrible oni would need to release the pledge. You may as well save up for a sex change operation, as that would never happen," Kudo told him morbidly.
"Tell me how to find the oni. I'll make him break this pact," Ranma growled dangerously.
Kudo shook his head. "I could tell you, but facing the oni would be suicide."
"He killed a kami to save my life, I doubt an oni will be much trouble," Akane deadpanned.
Ranma flinched a little at the word 'killed' yet his eyes still went through the paper he held.
--------------------
"What offering have you brought me?" cackled the shadowed figure from deep within a cave.
Kudo bowed sharply. "Sorry, oh great master, I bring the one who was supposed to be my intended, but alas the pledge cannot be fulfilled."
Ranma stepped forward. "You're going to break the pledge Tendo Soun made with his father. I ain't marrying no guy."
"Oh?" A small wave of water shot out from the shadow, dousing Ranma before he could dodge. "You look girl enough for me."
Kudo's eyes bulged out. "Oh, blessed demon, you have presented me a great boon."
Ranma slugged the guy in the head, knocking Kudo out cold. She then took a fighting stance. "All right, ya old freak. Shoulda guessed you were behind this."
The shadowed figured moved forward to reveal the diminutive form of Happousai. "His family are simple fools who supplied me with food even before my 'beloved' students trapped me. Fortunately there was an opening just wide enough for them to give me offerings of food and sake."
Happousai went over to the comatose boy and grabbed the pledge. "Let's make a deal, you keep quiet and go home and I'll destroy this pact. It doesn't do me any good to lose a place to freeload off of."
"I've been wondered where you ran off to," Ranma growled.
"Wasn't healthy to be around after the ceremony exploded." Happousai shrugged. "So, how's Akane-chan in bed." He immediately dodged Ranma's attack. "Not so good yet, eh?" the lech cackled. "Young love doesn't mind inexperience.
"So, Ranma-my-girl, do you leave now or shall we fight and we both go to your home?" Happousai questioned with demented glee.
"You'll do whatever you want anyways." Ranma turned around and left in a huff.
Happousai burned the paper away.
--------------------
"Any souvenirs?" Nabiki asked as Ranma returned home.
"Unless the old freak dragged your underwear to the middle of nowhere, he had nothing," Ranma shot back.
Nabiki cracked a smile. "So the great and terrible oni was Happousai?"
Ranma nodded. "He's been duping the Kudo Inn for food and sake for decades."
"What a surprise," Nabiki deadpanned. "Any idea on what you could pay me for the information?"
Ranma glared at her.
"If you could convince the wife to do a few porn videos with you, it might be worth it," Nabiki offered.
"Whatever," Ranma growled before stomping off. Only to find Akane and Kasumi in the hallway.
Akane folded her arms, her face a deep red. "Not a chance in hell."
"Even if it would give Ukyou more reason to stop going after your dear husband," Nabiki teased.
"Nabiki," Akane hissed.
"What is this about?" Kasumi wondered.
"I know how to get Ukyou's claim to go away, but they have yet to offer me a price I can't refuse," Nabiki informed smugly.
Kasumi put a finger to her cheek in thought.
"You're a bitch, you know that?" Akane cursed.
"To the core," Nabiki retorted.
--------------------
Genma smiled as he watched Akane drive her fist through the side of a wall as if it wasn't there. "I still find it funny how you are more my heir in martial arts, while Ranma follows more after Soun's style."
Akane blinked. "What do you mean by that, uncle?"
"We both fight as Earth, strong and unmovable. We don't let others push us around, and strike with the force of a mountain," Genma related. "Ranma and Soun fight more like the wind. Impossible to pin down, always moving, and wearing down opposition with speed and time."
Akane grimaced, this was the second time she was being compared to Genma as if she was his daughter. At least it was clear she was her mother's daughter, and Ranma definitely got his mother's looks as well. The idea that she really was Genma's daughter had led to an odd nightmare.
"There is one thing you certainly inherited from your father," Genma noted.
Akane's face brightened a little. "Really?"
Genma nodded sourly. "Lack of control."
Akane growled dangerously.
Genma sighed. "It's too bad that Hibiki boy isn't around. We could use his help teaching you a few techniques."
"Sorry, he's busy with his girlfriend," Akane informed.
Genma chuckled. "Bakusai Tenketsu would be good for you."
"You think I'm ready for that?" Akane wondered.
Genma nodded. "You have enough strength and endurance now."
Akane cracked a grin. "I was able to hear to some of what Cologne said to Ryouga during that training. Particularly about seeing the breaking point."
"Good. Then this weekend we'll go on a training trip." Genma then frowned. "Best not tell Ranma, if he knew I was going to throw boulders at you..."
Akane let out a short laugh. "He'd throw the boulders at you."
--------------------
Home looked like a dream before Akane's eyes. It took her the better part of a week, but she finally completed the move. Stumbling into the foyer with the panda waddling behind her, wanting nothing more than aspirin and her bed she was greeted by a strange sight. "Why is Kudo-san hanging off you?"
Ranma immediately tried to bodily grab and throw the guy off himself, only each time Kudo slithered to another limb. "He won't let the engagement thing drop even though the 'oni' canceled the pact."
"How can I let this wonderful person go?" Kudo defended. "I get the soft touch of a woman and the firmness of a man all in one person."
Ranma looked ready to be sick.
Akane's eyes crossed. "Pervert." She then launched an attack at Kudo's face, it failed to connect.
Ranma took advantage, intercepting the guy's route of retreat. Finally with a firm grip, he pulled the guy off him. "I do NOT like guys."
The panda moved away from the open door. With a slight toss from Ranma, Kudo was primed. Ranma timed his kick with Akane's to send the young man flying off into the distance.
"Good riddance. One pervert is more than enough for me," Ranma grumbled.
"Yeah." Akane blinked. "Wait! Did you just call ME a pervert?!"
"I certainly didn't bring the water," Ranma retorted.
Akane flushed. "RANMA?!"
The boy ran away, and the girl gave chase.
Soun shook his head as the pair ran past. "They never learn."
The panda had followed behind them and held up a sign, 'Perhaps they've already learned.'
--------------------
Author's Notes:
There are versions of intelligence tests that do allow for cultural bias to shift the results. The 'where does milk come from' question was actually used in an intelligence test.
Just because Akane 'brought the water' doesn't mean they made lesbian love, just that she was curious enough to try.
I base Akane's willingness to have sex on three points: One, she IS legally married and it is fully expected that she should have sex with her husband. Two, Akane is the one who jumps to thoughts regarding sex, calling others perverts because of what she was thinking, and not necessarily reflecting the supposed 'pervert's' intent. Three, during the Battle Douji arc, when Ranma tried to seduce Akane to get the Douji to leave her, Akane was initially rather willing to be seduces... the her family messed it up.
Ranma agreeing to sex was largely: He was married to her and loved her. Akane was more than willing. It's manly to have sex. Skipping out on Shampoo would upset the Amazon.
Thanks to Gary Kleppe, the FanFiction Mailing List, and everyone else who has given me comments and criticism on this series.
Chapter Two: Desperate Measure
By: Lord Archive
Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and is used without consent nor intent of profit. All rights reserved.
This is set in the manga time line. Anime only events do not apply.
--------------------
Akane gazed at her marriage certificate. This had become a bit of a ritual every morning and night to remind herself why she was submitting herself to the hell that was training. She wanted this to actually mean something. Yet in her weeks of training, she barely spent any time at all with her supposed husband. Was there any real reason for spending her golden week getting functionally mauled by a panda repeatedly when it kept her away from Ranma? At least school restricted some of her training time.
"Bukweep?"
Akane glanced over at P-chan and smiled softly. "Don't worry about me. I just wish this wasn't just a piece of paper." She held it up for the pig to see. "It says I'm 'Saotome Akane,' but it actually doesn't mean anything yet."
"WEEP?!" the pig screeched.
Akane giggled. "You really don't like Ranma, do you? Well, get used to it."
The pig huffed.
"I'm going through training just to be able to defend myself when Shampoo and the others learn they've lost." Akane pouted. "Only they really haven't 'lost' yet. Ranma can protest the marriage and it'd make this paper worthless."
P-chan seemed to sneeze.
Akane didn't pay it much mind. "I don't want it to be meaningless, but what can I do? I can't let him just have his way with me here. People would know."
"EEP?!" the pig screeched.
"Maybe I should follow Sayuri's example, but a love motel sounds so sleazy," Akane muttered.
Blood spurted from the pig's nose as he fell of the desk, completely unconscious.
"P-chan?!" Akane yelled and scooped up the small mammal. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were sick."
Rushing down the stairs, Akane placed a phone call. "Hello, Akari-chan? I think I need some help. My pet piglet just sneezed blood and passed out."
--------------------
Akari looked at Akane, who was holding her still-out-of-it-pet-pig, with a blank stare.
"Thank you for coming, but you didn't have to rush over here," Akane said politely.
"I would never let a pig suffer needlessly," Akari replied unemotionally. "How long have you had him as a pet?"
"Over a year, I guess. Why? Is he getting old?" Akane wondered, wishing she knew how long pigs could live.
"You really don't know, do you?" Akari questioned.
"Know what?" Akane returned quizzically. "Is there something wrong with my little P-chan?"
"What sort of things have you done with your pet?" Akari demanded.
"Ah, fed him and let him sleep in my bed...," Akane trailed off. "Have I been doing something wrong?"
"Have you changed clothes with him in the room? Told him any secrets you wouldn't tell anyone?" Akari pressed.
Akane nodded in absolute confusion
Akari reached out and plucked the pig from Akane's arms. "If you honestly don't know, then the only thing you might have done wrong is being dense."
Akane blinked.
"Excuse me, I need to take care of this dirty hog," Akari grumbled cutely.
"What was that all about?" Akane wondered.
"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" Akari's voice bellowed from the bathing room.
Akane frowned, thinking that shout was meant for her. What had she been doing wrong?
"One night would be accident, OVER A YEAR IS NOT!" Akari shouted.
Akane had just treated the pig as a pet. Were pigs so different from cats and dogs that she had been unintentionally hurting her beloved pet?
Ryouga suddenly ran down the hallway, completely naked. "Sorry," he called out as he passed her, soon followed by his irate girlfriend.
"Katsunishiki, run that stupid cheating hog down!" Akari shouted, tears streaming down her eyes.
Akane stared. Wait did Akari think Ryoga was cheating on her? Akane vowed to clear things up. Ryouga was just a friend, nothing more. Akari wasn't taking him from her any more than she would cheat on Ranma. Especially not with Ryouga.
Akane frowned. She did have to admit Akari's boyfriend did have a nice body, and... package. If not for Ranma maybe she might've been interested. She then shook her head. The love motel was looking a lot more appealing. She really shouldn't have looked at someone's boyfriend like that.
--------------------
Akane blinked as Sayuri shoved a pile of pamphlets into her hands during lunch. "What are these?"
"Information on the local love motels. I jotted down the pricing for the ones that didn't list them," Sayuri answered.
Yuka shook her head. "You put too much effort into it. Just go to one."
"I'd hardly want to accidentally pick a love garage when we have no car to have fun in the back seat of," Sayuri pointed out. "Not to mention some of the places... have themes."
"Themes?" Yuka wondered.
"Who would have sex in a 'Hello Kitty' room?" Akane questioned in disgust as she looked at one of the pamphlets.
"I honestly don't want to know," Sayuri replied.
Yuka leaned over. "Oh, I'm sure you'd have fun in that gymnasium room."
"Hardly," Akane scoffed. "I'd rather have something nice and romantic."
"Ai Himitsu is good and cheap for that, if you don't mind plastic under the sheets," Sayuri informed.
"You've already done IT?!" Yuka screeched happily. "What was it like?"
"Embarrassing, painful, pleasurable, and messy." Sayuri sighed. "I don't regret anything, but I really wish he wasn't in a rush to leave afterwards to avoid paying for another hour."
Akane pouted. "Still think you should've waited. What if you got pregnant?"
"He used a condom..." Sayuri shook her head. "Only one time. When he didn't, it felt a lot better. I'll deal with an accident if it happened. Might rope him into marriage if I am."
Akane looked away. "Still think it's a mistake."
Yuka huffed. "Keep this up and I'll get you and Ranma drunk and toss you into a room. You love him, right? You shouldn't have to wait to get that bod in bed. Enjoy having a hunk."
Sayuri nodded. "Stop the act of being a prude. We know you want him. And you have nothing to fear. It might even be a good idea for you to get pregnant. Those Amazons are a matriarch society, right? They should respect motherhood above all else."
Akane pouted. The pamphlets found their way inside her book-bag, causing her friends to smile knowingly.
--------------------
Akane was frankly surprised she hadn't sprained her ankle earlier. It was a wonder she hadn't broken any bones putting up with Genma's bizarre and hellish training.
Less than ten minutes after getting hurt, Ranma had appeared demanding to know what happened. After splashing Genma and punting the panda into a wall, he disappeared for a moment to return with someone that made Akane feel rather uneasy.
"This won't be good at all," Cologne commented with amusement.
"Is it bad?" Ranma asked.
Cologne whapped him with her staff. "I'm talking about the interruption in her training. She'll hardly be a good match for Shampoo if she's hurt."
"You want me to get stronger?" Akane wondered.
"Shampoo may talk a good murder, but she's no killer." Cologne took a closer look at the ankle. "Frankly, I hope she never learns what it's like to have blood on her hands."
Akane seized up as the ancient amazon poked her tender flesh. "I think she'd make the exception with me."
"All the more reason for you to train," Cologne returned. "Though I'm not sure if she would fight as hard now for him."
"I know, he's letting her know what he's really like," Akane muttered. "A complete and total jerk."
Cologne let out a laugh. "He's exaggerating it a little, but Shampoo hasn't noticed that part of it is an act."
"Why aren't you supporting Shampoo?" Akane asked skeptically.
Cologne smiled knowingly. "I have my reasons."
Akane didn't know what to make of that.
"Stay off it for the next few days and it should be fine," Cologne advised.
Akane nodded.
Cologne turned toward the boy. "You better not let Shampoo see your concern for her, or you'll undo all the work you two have done these past few weeks."
--------------------
Akane gritted her teeth as the school day ended. Her classmates were all stupid. How can a sprained ankle be the result of 'abuse.' Well, it sort of was, but it certainly wasn't caused by Ranma. Not directly at least. Then you've got the boys pestering Ranma over how good Shampoo was in bed.
"Do you really think I want to be the wife in a marriage and live in a backwater village in the middle of nowhere?" Ranma spat.
"With someone like Shampoo? Fuck yeah!" was the reply.
"Ranma," Akane growled. "We need to talk." The boys looked at her expectantly. "Alone!"
Ranma smirked as the boys took a step away from her. "Fine." He scooped her up and leapt out the window with her. "Where do you want to talk?"
The first thought cause Akane to flush. Well she was married to him.... "Ai Himitsu."
Ranma looked confused yet blushed deeply. "Isn't that what we've been doing? Keeping it a secret."
Akane was sort of thankful he didn't know that she gave him a name of a love motel rather he thought she had said 'love secret.' "Ranma, Ai Himitsu is the name of a love motel."
Ranma missed his jump and crashed face first into the side of a home. He didn't seemed to notice when he looked at her with a slightly panicked look. "A sex motel?"
"Yes." Akane looked away. "I mean we are married and I've been going through all that training... I want it all to mean something. If you don't want to, we don't have to..."
"You know what happens if the others find out?" Ranma warned nervously.
"The same thing that'll happen if they learn I'm 'Saotome Akane,'" Akane reminded.
"Are you sure?" Ranma pressed.
"I am," Akane stated firmly, but then meekly added, "But if you're not ready..."
Ranma gazed deeply at her. "You know, I promised Shampoo I'd help her today." He smirked at the scowl he received. "So, where's this motel?"
"Ah, it's on Hikari, but I don't know where exactly. A friend suggested it," Akane answered.
--------------------
Akane felt flushed even as she buttoned up her shirt. Now she felt married to him. That the piece of paper in her room really did have meaning now.
"You know, I'm never goin' ta understand you," Ranma groused.
Akane glanced at him. "What do you mean?"
"You keep yellin' at me about being a pervert and then you do this." Ranma shook his head.
"It's only perverted when it's in public." Akane's red face deepened. "In private we can do all the stuff your mother has suggested."
"Don't give me any details," Ranma muttered.
Akane giggled. "At least I can honestly say you've been 'manly' for me. Though I thought you'd be better, considering you turn into a girl."
Ranma blinked. "What do you mean?"
"You were a little too quick and didn't touch me where I wanted." Akane cocked her head. "But in a way I liked it better that way."
"Huh?" Ranma uttered in confusion
"This way I know I'm your first," Akane told him with a smile.
"It was that obvious, huh?" Ranma looked away, seemingly dejected.
Akane touched his cheek. "No one is good his first time. I'm sure I made mistakes, too."
Ranma nodded shyly.
Akane cast a seductive look. "And we can 'spar' like this again and again."
Ranma smiled in a goofy way. "Right."
--------------------
Akane performed a kata by the koi pond while Ranma watched her intently. Part of her should be bothered by his intense and perverted eyes, but she was debating suggesting they go to the love motel. Honestly he should be annoying Shampoo, but Ranma claimed his parents were forcing him to watch after her because she had 'stupidly injured herself.'
"Ah, hey."
Akane snapped out of her thoughts and was a little surprised at the sudden appearance of a bandana-clad boy.
"Hey, P-chan, what's up?" Ranma groused.
Akane frowned at Ryouga. "Ah, hi. I think Akari has the wrong idea about us."
Ryouga began to sweat. "About 'us?'"
Akane nodded. "She called you a 'cheating hog.' Have you been able to clear things up? I mean, I could talk to her, make it clear I'd never be with you like that."
Ryouga staggered back as if he had just been stabbed. He giggled nervously. "I think she understands what really went on. Nothing for you to worry about."
Akane let out a sigh of relief. "That's good." She then pouted. "Did she say anything about P-chan? What was I doing wrong with him?"
"Ah... um..." Ryouga trailed off, uncertain how to reply.
"Knew I forgot something," Nabiki announced her presence. "Akari called the other day saying something about P-chan having an allergy to people."
Ryouga's eyes brightened. "That's right, an allergy. P-chan has an allergy to people."
Akane gasped. "Oh, no what should I do for him?"
Ryouga shifted uneasily. "Send him to Akari. She knows how to take care of pigs with that sort of problem." He laughed nervously. "And... ah... don't get too close to him."
Akane pouted. "I really was dense that I never knew I was hurting P-chan. Excuse me." She ran to her with tears in her eyes.
Ranma and Ryouga promptly pulled out money and handed it to Nabiki.
"Nice doing business with you," Nabiki chirped.
--------------------
Akane bit her lip as she focused on cooking. Once again Ranma floated behind her, and she wasn't about to let him interfere.
"I'm off to go on a date," Nabiki announced.
"Who is it?" Ranma wondered.
Nabiki waved a finger at him. "That information won't be free."
Akane blinked. "Are you actually serious about this date? You're not out to milk some poor guy?"
"That remains to be seen." Nabiki smirked. "I didn't know vinegar was an ingredient in miso soup."
"Ack!" cried out Ranma and Akane as both failed to note what the cook was doing.
"I noticed that you've managed to ditch Kodachi," Nabiki noted. "And Shampoo isn't nearly as good a customer as she has been, even with you here for the past week."
"Good," Ranma groused.
"You will find that Ukyou will not go away so easily. And even though I know how to deal with her, I'm not about to let my last meal ticket go," Nabiki told them evilly.
Akane frowned bitterly as she dumped the soup down the drain. "At some point Ranma will just have to tell her the truth."
Nabiki leaned in and almost taunted, "And just what is the truth?"
Akane scowled as Ranma seemingly shrugged cluelessly.
Nabiki waved her hand dismissively. "If you could get lover-boy to tell her, it'd still break her heart. I, however, know of a method that would make HER drop the issue."
"What is it?" Akane demanded.
"I don't think you could afford it. But seeing as you're working on dealing with most of your suitors, I figure I'd put out the hook and see if you can find something to make it worth losing Ukyou as a customer." Nabiki turned around. "See ya!"
--------------------
"Ranchan, got dinner for ya," Ukyou called out.
"I've got delicious food for you, Airen," Shampoo echoed at the same time.
The two girls scowled at each other.
"You two are life savers!" Ranma quickly grabbed the food from them.
Akane gazed at the floor. "Thanks."
"Royally screwed up dinner, Sugar?" Ukyou wondered.
Akane flinched.
Ukyou failed to hide her smirk. "You'll figure things out eventually."
Shampoo folded her arms. "She is not the only deluded one."
"Since when did you learn how to speak Japanese?" Ukyou shot at the amazon.
"Told the airhead I found it annoying," Ranma replied directly to his childhood friend.
"I'm not an airhead!" Shampoo protested.
"If the shoe fits," Ukyou returned smugly. "You certainly liked giving everyone pet names like that."
"I learned Japanese in a matter of weeks, you still haven't in sixteen years," Shampoo belittled.
"That's an accent, fluff-for-brains," Ukyou growled.
"Too bad there is no test for intelligence. I would win," Shampoo shot at her confidently.
"Sure there is," Ranma corrected. "They made me take one after I started Furinkan."
"I will take that test and prove I am not an airhead!" Shampoo vowed.
"I'll show you who's the smartest," Ukyou pledged.
--------------------
Akane really wanted to know how she had 'agreed' to the intelligence challenge. Yet here she was taking the same IQ test with Shampoo and Ukyou, and there was no way she'd let them beat her.
Focusing on her test, Akane couldn't tell how her pencil suddenly exploded in her hand. Looking up, she saw her competitors glaring at each other, destroyed pencils littered around them. Since when was this 'Anything Goes Martial Arts Test Taking?'
The proctor coughed. "There is no time limit. Interfering in each others' tests won't change the outcome." He then passed out another set of pencils to each of them.
The statement only held for a few minutes before the crack of another pencil echoed in the classroom. The battle resumed, with Shampoo and Ukyou more focused on each other. That didn't leave Akane unmolested as some attacks did come toward her. Shampoo opting to flick bits of broken pencil at hers trying to mess up her writing, while Ukyou was somehow using a throwing spatula as a yo-yo-- wanking her weapon back by a string.
After a few more minutes and a few attempts to dodge the attacks, Akane's anger got the best of her. She began to fire back, she aimed for their pencils, but more often hit the yielder.
The proctor shook his head and muttered, "This is ridiculous."
--------------------
A large number of Furinkan students gathered in the yard, each intent on hearing the results of the test. The three examinees in front and most anxious of all.
"This is the most unique experience I've had running this test," the proctor noted. "Never have I seen the examinees attack each other."
"Get on with it!" yelled one of the students.
"Ahem," the proctor coughed. "As for the test itself, the results highlight an inherent weakness in the test. That an answer that is wrong per the test is not technically wrong to the one taking the test. In some ways the answer is more correct, yet is still wrong."
"What do you mean?" Ukyou wondered.
"Cultural differences can shift the results. 'Where do you get milk?' may seem an innocent question, and the 'correct' answer for someone in Tokyo is 'from a store' however 'from a goat' is wrong per the test though it would be correct if the test was geared to a farming society," the proctor explained.
"And where does the store get its milk?" Shampoo growled.
"As I said, cultural differences can shift the results," the proctor affirmed. "Tendo Akane has the highest score, barely, and Shampoo the lowest. However, even some of Kuonji Ukyou's answers have a cultural influence."
"Is Akane the smartest?" demanded a student.
"With a margin of error, none of the girls are definitively smarter or less intelligent than the other. Tendo Akane is strongest with academics, but is weak in comparisons. Shampoo is strongest in problem solving, and weak in academics. Kuonji Ukyou doesn't have a primary strength nor weakness."
Akane blinked. "It's a functional tie?"
The proctor nodded. "I really have nothing more to add." He turned and left.
The mob of students turned to where Nabiki had been previously, but she was now nowhere in sight, everyone of them having lost the bet of who was the smartest suitor.
--------------------
"You have screwed up."
Akane jumped and turned around. She stared in surprise at Cologne. "What do you mean?"
"Shampoo knows something is up. You had too much strength behind your attacks on her during the test," the elderly amazon intoned. "You managed to bruise her."
"So?" Akane wondered.
"Dear, she went through Bakusai Tenketsu training years ago. Your previous attacks on her never hurt her before," Cologne explained harshly. "Now suddenly you can flick a piece of cheap wood with enough force to leave a purple welt."
Akane frowned deeply. "What should I expect?"
"Shampoo will be spying on you to find out what secret you have. When she learns the truth, you will be challenged to fight," Cologne warned.
"Wonderful," Akane moaned.
Cologne leapt away, almost too fast to be seen.
"Your rest is over. Sprained ankle or not, you've got to get better fast."
Akane jumped again. This time she didn't turn. She could only nod. "Yes, Ranma."
--------------------
"Naked pictures," Ranma offered.
"Of you, Miss Why-Do-I-Need-Modesty?" Nabiki joked. "I've got a fair number already. Even when you're a guy. Must say I feel sorry for Akane."
Ranma flushed deep red. "Hey! I probably wasn't... you know..."
Nabiki raised her pinky. "Some were droopy, others were definitely not."
Ranma growled. "Me with Akane."
Nabiki blinked. "You mean you, as a girl, with Akane, naked and going at it, to sell to Kuno and half of Furinkan?"
Ranma's face looked ready to explode in a shower of blood. He gave a shallow nod.
"Desperate, aren't you?" Nabiki grinned. "And have you asked Akane if she'd be willing?"
Ranma's head shook slightly. Then his head shot toward the floor as the girl in question pulled down sharply on his pig tail. "A-A-Akane?!"
His secret wife was almost as red-faced as he was. "I thought we were going to discuss that price first."
"You were busy with the test," Ranma weakly defended.
Akane moved to focus on her sister. "IF your idea works, college tuition."
Nabiki wagged her finger. "Daddy has trust funds for all of us. We get access to them at marriage or when we go to college. While a lot of money from yours would be tempting, I can milk Ukyou's delusions for years if you let her hang."
"That's awful," Akane growled.
"That's business. If you want Ukyou to drop her claim, come up with a better offer," Nabiki gloated.
--------------------
"Marry me so you may escape your unwanted betrothal!" Kuno announced.
"No." Akane unleashed a combination of blows that ended with the wannabe samurai imbedded into a wall to punctuate her answer.
A dashing young man walked up to her with a quizzical expression. "You wouldn't happen to be related to Saotome Genma, would you?"
Akane blinked. "Excuse me?"
Ranma seemingly leapt out of nowhere, perched on top of a nearby fence and looked ready to pounce.
The man appraised the newcomer. "And you look as if you might be one of Tendo Soun's boys."
"Huh?" Ranma emitted in confusion
"Why are you looking for our fathers?" Akane wondered.
"Greetings, I'm Kudo Yoshikawa." the young man bowed. "I suppose you've heard of the pledge made at Kudo Inn?"
"What pledge?" Ranma growled.
The man frowned more at Akane's look of confusion. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering the tale my father told me. Twas over ten years ago when the great Saotome Genma and Tendo Soun arrived at my family inn to celebrate the defeat of the horrible demon that had plagued our city. Using sake we supplied, they trapped the mysterious molester of our women in a cave. In the celebration, my father drunkenly offered to have me marry one of their daughters. Tendo Soun sadly said he had three sons, but he would allow his promise to join their clans to shift to Saotome Genma's daughter. From what I understand, Saotome Genma was in drunken slumber and had not been in on the pledge."
Ranma began to laugh. "That's two for your old man."
Akane glared at him. "And counting our engagement, three. Two for your father, and Shampoo was all you."
"Ah, but I'm afraid that Tendo Soun's agreement must take precedence, Saotome-san." Kudo held up a pieced of paper seemingly written in brown ink. "The pact was drawn up in blood."
"Problem with that," Ranma chirped evilly. "I'm Saotome Ranma, and she is one of the three Tendo daughters. Her old man lied from word one."
Akane's eyes scrunched as she tried to read the chicken-scratched writing. "There's a curse written here."
"Sadly, yes. Ill will befall your clans if I do not marry the daughter of Saotome." Kudo frowned at the boy. "You don't have a younger sister, do you?"
Ranma grimaced. "No."
Akane cocked her head. "What about a Tendo daughter?"
"Tis not what is written." Kudo shook his head. "An oni is cursed upon my clan. His power is far reaching, and it is upon his name this was written."
"What?!" Ranma grabbed the pledge and read it over. "If this is the cause of my curse...."
Akane folded her arms. "Daddy would be deserving of the beating."
"Curse?" Kudo questioned. "It would be strange that the curse of ill family fortune to activate before we were of marrying age."
"How do we break this pledge?" Ranma demanded.
"The terrible oni would need to release the pledge. You may as well save up for a sex change operation, as that would never happen," Kudo told him morbidly.
"Tell me how to find the oni. I'll make him break this pact," Ranma growled dangerously.
Kudo shook his head. "I could tell you, but facing the oni would be suicide."
"He killed a kami to save my life, I doubt an oni will be much trouble," Akane deadpanned.
Ranma flinched a little at the word 'killed' yet his eyes still went through the paper he held.
--------------------
"What offering have you brought me?" cackled the shadowed figure from deep within a cave.
Kudo bowed sharply. "Sorry, oh great master, I bring the one who was supposed to be my intended, but alas the pledge cannot be fulfilled."
Ranma stepped forward. "You're going to break the pledge Tendo Soun made with his father. I ain't marrying no guy."
"Oh?" A small wave of water shot out from the shadow, dousing Ranma before he could dodge. "You look girl enough for me."
Kudo's eyes bulged out. "Oh, blessed demon, you have presented me a great boon."
Ranma slugged the guy in the head, knocking Kudo out cold. She then took a fighting stance. "All right, ya old freak. Shoulda guessed you were behind this."
The shadowed figured moved forward to reveal the diminutive form of Happousai. "His family are simple fools who supplied me with food even before my 'beloved' students trapped me. Fortunately there was an opening just wide enough for them to give me offerings of food and sake."
Happousai went over to the comatose boy and grabbed the pledge. "Let's make a deal, you keep quiet and go home and I'll destroy this pact. It doesn't do me any good to lose a place to freeload off of."
"I've been wondered where you ran off to," Ranma growled.
"Wasn't healthy to be around after the ceremony exploded." Happousai shrugged. "So, how's Akane-chan in bed." He immediately dodged Ranma's attack. "Not so good yet, eh?" the lech cackled. "Young love doesn't mind inexperience.
"So, Ranma-my-girl, do you leave now or shall we fight and we both go to your home?" Happousai questioned with demented glee.
"You'll do whatever you want anyways." Ranma turned around and left in a huff.
Happousai burned the paper away.
--------------------
"Any souvenirs?" Nabiki asked as Ranma returned home.
"Unless the old freak dragged your underwear to the middle of nowhere, he had nothing," Ranma shot back.
Nabiki cracked a smile. "So the great and terrible oni was Happousai?"
Ranma nodded. "He's been duping the Kudo Inn for food and sake for decades."
"What a surprise," Nabiki deadpanned. "Any idea on what you could pay me for the information?"
Ranma glared at her.
"If you could convince the wife to do a few porn videos with you, it might be worth it," Nabiki offered.
"Whatever," Ranma growled before stomping off. Only to find Akane and Kasumi in the hallway.
Akane folded her arms, her face a deep red. "Not a chance in hell."
"Even if it would give Ukyou more reason to stop going after your dear husband," Nabiki teased.
"Nabiki," Akane hissed.
"What is this about?" Kasumi wondered.
"I know how to get Ukyou's claim to go away, but they have yet to offer me a price I can't refuse," Nabiki informed smugly.
Kasumi put a finger to her cheek in thought.
"You're a bitch, you know that?" Akane cursed.
"To the core," Nabiki retorted.
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Genma smiled as he watched Akane drive her fist through the side of a wall as if it wasn't there. "I still find it funny how you are more my heir in martial arts, while Ranma follows more after Soun's style."
Akane blinked. "What do you mean by that, uncle?"
"We both fight as Earth, strong and unmovable. We don't let others push us around, and strike with the force of a mountain," Genma related. "Ranma and Soun fight more like the wind. Impossible to pin down, always moving, and wearing down opposition with speed and time."
Akane grimaced, this was the second time she was being compared to Genma as if she was his daughter. At least it was clear she was her mother's daughter, and Ranma definitely got his mother's looks as well. The idea that she really was Genma's daughter had led to an odd nightmare.
"There is one thing you certainly inherited from your father," Genma noted.
Akane's face brightened a little. "Really?"
Genma nodded sourly. "Lack of control."
Akane growled dangerously.
Genma sighed. "It's too bad that Hibiki boy isn't around. We could use his help teaching you a few techniques."
"Sorry, he's busy with his girlfriend," Akane informed.
Genma chuckled. "Bakusai Tenketsu would be good for you."
"You think I'm ready for that?" Akane wondered.
Genma nodded. "You have enough strength and endurance now."
Akane cracked a grin. "I was able to hear to some of what Cologne said to Ryouga during that training. Particularly about seeing the breaking point."
"Good. Then this weekend we'll go on a training trip." Genma then frowned. "Best not tell Ranma, if he knew I was going to throw boulders at you..."
Akane let out a short laugh. "He'd throw the boulders at you."
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Home looked like a dream before Akane's eyes. It took her the better part of a week, but she finally completed the move. Stumbling into the foyer with the panda waddling behind her, wanting nothing more than aspirin and her bed she was greeted by a strange sight. "Why is Kudo-san hanging off you?"
Ranma immediately tried to bodily grab and throw the guy off himself, only each time Kudo slithered to another limb. "He won't let the engagement thing drop even though the 'oni' canceled the pact."
"How can I let this wonderful person go?" Kudo defended. "I get the soft touch of a woman and the firmness of a man all in one person."
Ranma looked ready to be sick.
Akane's eyes crossed. "Pervert." She then launched an attack at Kudo's face, it failed to connect.
Ranma took advantage, intercepting the guy's route of retreat. Finally with a firm grip, he pulled the guy off him. "I do NOT like guys."
The panda moved away from the open door. With a slight toss from Ranma, Kudo was primed. Ranma timed his kick with Akane's to send the young man flying off into the distance.
"Good riddance. One pervert is more than enough for me," Ranma grumbled.
"Yeah." Akane blinked. "Wait! Did you just call ME a pervert?!"
"I certainly didn't bring the water," Ranma retorted.
Akane flushed. "RANMA?!"
The boy ran away, and the girl gave chase.
Soun shook his head as the pair ran past. "They never learn."
The panda had followed behind them and held up a sign, 'Perhaps they've already learned.'
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Author's Notes:
There are versions of intelligence tests that do allow for cultural bias to shift the results. The 'where does milk come from' question was actually used in an intelligence test.
Just because Akane 'brought the water' doesn't mean they made lesbian love, just that she was curious enough to try.
I base Akane's willingness to have sex on three points: One, she IS legally married and it is fully expected that she should have sex with her husband. Two, Akane is the one who jumps to thoughts regarding sex, calling others perverts because of what she was thinking, and not necessarily reflecting the supposed 'pervert's' intent. Three, during the Battle Douji arc, when Ranma tried to seduce Akane to get the Douji to leave her, Akane was initially rather willing to be seduces... the her family messed it up.
Ranma agreeing to sex was largely: He was married to her and loved her. Akane was more than willing. It's manly to have sex. Skipping out on Shampoo would upset the Amazon.
Thanks to Gary Kleppe, the FanFiction Mailing List, and everyone else who has given me comments and criticism on this series.