Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ How Ryoga Met Your Mother ❯ Chapter 2 ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Pangoria Fallstar 
Ex-girlfriends, Dating Services, and Anything Goes Style Inebriation fail to help Ryoga get together with the girl of his dreams.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 07.25.2010 | Pages: 8 | Words: 7.4K | Visits: 444 | Status: Completed
Ex-girlfriends, Dating Services, and Anything Goes Style Inebriation fail to help Ryoga get together with the girl of his dreams.
Anime/Manga: Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 07.25.2010 | Pages: 8 | Words: 7.4K | Visits: 444 | Status: Completed
I do not own Ranma 1/2
***
Ryoga Hibiki, walks up to his home, an old two-story Japanese home facing Mount Fuji.
The home is in good repair, and he can hear his kids playing inside. He opens the front
door, and is greeted by the sounds of family, "I'm home!"
"I told you to stop trying to sell photos of me in the shower to your perverted friends!"
Ryoga's daughter yelled as she slammed her fist into her brother's face.
"Ah good, you're both home, then get your brother into the living room, I have more to
tell you," Ryoga smiled, as his son lay on the floor, his right leg twitching every once in a
while.
***
Knock, knock, knock. Ryoga quickly followed up by holding up a stuffed black pig to the
peephole. After a moment the door opened and Azusa was looking right at Ryoga. "Go
Away!" She screamed at him, while trying to take the pig from him at the same time.
"I just want to say I'm sorry," Ryoga tried to explain, as she was now hitting him with
the fire extinguisher from the hallway, and shouting something about Charlotte. "Look, I
know you're mad, but here, happy birthday... three years ago."
Ryoga let her have the pig. Azusa squeezed her new prize tightly, then gave Ryoga the
coldest cruelest gaze his twenty-seven year old self had ever experienced. "Screw you,
three years ago," she spit the words at him, and then went back into her apartment.
Ryoga followed her, letting the door close behind him. "I know leaving a message was
stupid. I know how much it sucked."
"No you don't," she answered him, sadness gripping her eyes, "my friend Mikado was
throwing a surprise birthday party for me. You left that message, and everyone there heard
it. I came home right after you had called... I had heard the phone out in the hallway, and
I was even rushing so that I wouldn't miss your call."
Ryoga looked shocked, "There was a surprise party that night, and no one told me? Oh,
never mind, not the point. Look Azusa, I was a stupid kid back then. I'm different now."
Azusa stared at Ryoga, "Oh so now you're ready to get married and settle down?" Ryoga
sheepishly nodded in response. Azusa continued to look at him as if he was crazy, "You
must think I have no self respect."
"Come on, just... one cup of coffee," Ryoga smiled, picked up a teddy bear that Azusa
had in her living room, and pretended to make the teddy talk, "Please Azusa, give him a
chance. Self respect is over-rated!"
Azusa laughed.
***
"We started dating again. It was just like before, it seemed that happily ever after
wasn't far off. A couple of weeks later your Aunt Akane invited us all to go ice skating."
***
The Nekohanten was somewhat active, as Ryoga, Azusa, Ranma, Marshal, and Lily sat
together talking. Just then Akane came in with a big smile, "Say I'm awesome."
"You're awesome," Ryoga said looking confused, "why are you awesome this time?"
Akane pulled up a seat next to Ranma's chair, and said, "Because I just got us invited to
an exclusive Ice Skating Party, tonight! The organizer goes to my gym and is a big fan of
my reporting for Metro News One, so I'm on the list and I can bring 4 guests!"
"Well count us out sorry," Lily smiled, "we're having friends over for wine and cheese
tasting."
Marshal looked slightly put out but smiled and held Lily's hand, "Yeah, we trying to grow
up, classy."
"Well, Ranma? Ryoga?" Akane looked over at them.
"Sure," Ranma said, "we'll be there."
Ryoga looked over at Azusa, then at Akane. Akane nodded, and then said, "Great! And
Ryoga, don't forget to bring your date."
Ryoga smiled at Azusa, who got up to leave, "Thanks for the invite, I'll meet you all
there, I gotta go back to work, bye sweetie." She kissed Ryoga and left.
After Azusa left, Ryoga sighed and put his face in his hands, leaning on the table. By the
time he looked back up Akane had left, and Ranma was now sitting on the bench next to
him, Ryoga said, "I have to break up with her."
Marshal looked over at Ryoga, "I don't get it. Azusa is awesome."
Ryoga nodded, "I know, she's great, but I have to break up with her."
Suddenly Lily was on top of Ryoga's head, smacking him with a beer mug with each word
she said, "Why - couldn't - you - leave - that - poor - girl - alone?"
"I know," Ryoga lamented, un-phased by the attacks, "These past two weeks have been
great, and I should be in love with her, but I'm not. I can't explain it."
"So when are you going to break up with her?" Marshal asked, getting his fiancee off of
Ryoga.
Ranma smiled and said, "She's probably on the subway now. You could call her voice
mail. Beep, dumped, click, done!"
"No, not this time, I have to do it face to face, I just don't know what to say," Ryoga
looked down at his drink, "I already told her I'm ready for a commitment, so saying, 'I'm
not ready' won't work."
"Even if it would have, I think Azusa deserves better," Lily said after having calmed
down.
"There's no better in breaking up," Marshal put in, "There's only less awful."
"There's no way out.... by Kami - I'm going to have to marry her," Ryoga grabbed his
head and screamed to the heavens.
"No, don't worry, we'll figure something out," Marshal tried to calm Ryoga down, "How
about - 'It's not you, it's me?"
"Or," Ranma broke in, "six words, 'You look fat in those jeans'."
"Ryoga, why don't you tell her the truth?" Lily asked, "What is the truth? Why do you
want to break up with her?"
"The truth," Ryoga paused and thought about it, "The truth is .... she's not the one."
"So tell her that," Lily said.
***
"So it was decided, I was going to tell Azusa, the truth. We all met up at the Ice Rink,
me, your Uncle Ranma, your Aunt Akane, and Azusa."
***Ryoga got out of the Taxi, with Ranma coming around the other side. Ranma put his
hand on Ryoga's shoulder and smiled at him, "I'm glad you finally put a suit on."
"Yeah, gotta break her heart in style right?" Ryoga said looking a little depressed.
"Well, you can do it on the ice, just tell her and then let her go, that way you can make
your getaway," Ranma said, as he guided Ryoga into the building.
They met up with Akane and Azusa who were waiting by the door, Azusa ran up and
kissed Ryoga, and they walked in hand in hand. Ranma snorted, and Akane gave Ryoga a
quick smile. Inside the party was beautiful, several tables with different foods on them,
there was a bar, and a patio, where just outside, Lady Liberty could be seen.
"Very nice party Tendo," Ranma smiled, "Thanks for inviting us."
"Yes, thank you Akane," Azusa beamed, "but you said there was ice skating?"
"Yeah, over there, they have skate rentals and everything," Akane pointed the way, "I'll
be there soon, I have to go thank the guy who gave me the invitations."
Ryoga, Ranma, and Azusa, said, "See you soon," and went over to go skating. After
paying for both of their rentals, Ryoga and Azusa were soon skating through the ice. The
rink looked like it was multi-use, with some faint markings left from when they have hockey
games. Though Ryoga had no problems on the ice, Azusa was skating as if she were a pro.
"Wow, you're really good," Ryoga praised Azusa, as Ranma passed nearby and slammed
into a wall after having trouble stopping.
"You're not to bad yourself," Azusa smiled, "and definately better than Ranma over
there." They both danced around each other, back and forth as the skated around the rink.
Ryoga pulled over to one of the walls to stop for a bit, and soon was joined by Azusa.
She smiled at him radiantly, clearly in her element. He smiled at her, then said, "Look
Azusa, I need to say something to you."
"Let me say something first," she smiled at him, "Today, I had not one, not two, but
three birthday cakes. So do you think that tonight, we can just skip the cake?"
Ryoga stared at her, color draining from his face, "Today is your birthday? I didn't get
you anything..."
"It's okay, you gave me the greatest gift of all," Azusa hugged Ryoga, then pulled back
and beamed at him, "I can trust again."
"Oh Kami, .... Azusa, I have to tell you something, and there's no good way of telling
you. I really like you, but we have to break up. I don't think you're the one for me. I don't
want to waste your time, and I think you deserve to know now, instead of later. I thought
it would be best to be honest," Ryoga said. Azusa covered her face with her hands, and
Ryoga patted her shoulder, "It's okay, they're only tears."
Suddenly, Azusa grabbed Ryoga's hand and twisted it around his back. She turned them
so she could use the wall as a brace, and launched him into the ice. She screamed at him,
"What do you mean, 'I'm not the one'?"
Ryoga spun around and caught himself, he timidly skated back to her, "I'm sorry, I
thought it would be the mature thing to do-"
Azusa cut him off, "It's my Birthday!"
"I know, I didn't realize today was your birthday-"
"Okay, so what's the problem?" Azusa skated up to Ryoga, and stood in-front of him,
looking up into his eyes.
"I can't explain it," Ryoga smiled weakly.
"Try!" Azusa spoke forcibly, causing Ryoga to cringe a little.
"It's, it's, oh I don't know!" Ryoga sighed.
"I'll tell you what it is! You broke my heart, over my machine, on my birthday, then you
waited three years, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you, just so you could
dump me on my birthday!"
"It's not that, it's, it's .... it's - I'm really lost right now," Ryoga backed away from Azusa.
Then Akane came over, "Hey! I want you guys to meet the one who invited me here.
Ryoga, Azusa, this is Mikado."
Azusa skated over to Mikado and cried into his chest, "Mikado! Ryoga dumped me on my
birthday again!"
Akane stared at Ryoga in shock, and Mikado put his arm around Azusa's shoulders to
comfort her. He stared Ryoga down, and said, "You will not leave her heart broken and
escape unscathed this time! We'll show you why we were once called the Golden Pair of
Anything Goes Martial Arts Skating!"
***
"Honestly, after their first attack I was knocked out, and by the time I came to, I was in
the hospital, with Uncle Ranma and Aunt Akane standing over me," Ryoga looked over at
his two teenage children as they listened to his story, and regardless of how much they
voiced their opinions of being bored, at least they were paying attention. He continued,
"But it's the bad times that helps prepare you for the good times. And after seeing me have
such a bad time at it, your Aunt Akane made a suggestion. So as I lay there, and they filled
me in on what happened after the fight, Akane told me about a dating service that she had
recently done a piece on for Metro News One. They had a 100% success rate. I told her I
wasn't going to go, but somehow, your Uncle Ranma tricked me into going..."
***
Ryoga finished the application at Love Solutions, then looked at Ranma, and said, "Your
boat is sinking... that was a good one."
"This is a great opportunity Ryoga! We'll meet our soul-mates, nail-em, and never call
them again," Ranma chuckled.
***
Ryoga sat next to Ranma, waiting for their turn to speak with the Matchmaker of Love
Solutions. The waiting room was comfortable, and Ryoga looked at pictures on the walls of
all the different happy couples. Soon a frog-like, voice greeted them both. Ryoga turned
around to see a short, old woman standing behind him. Her hair was long, straight, and
very healthy looking. Her eyes carried a soft compassion that drew Ryoga into them. She
quickly motioned for the two to follow her, and led them into her office.
They all sat down, and over the maple desk between them, the old lady smiled, "I am
Cologne, and I'm here to help you find the love of your life."
"Oh, thank goodness, Cologne," Ranma looked at the Matchmaker's eyes, "I'm so tired of
the single life, all the games, and meaningless sex."
Cologne nodded, "You deserve more."
"That's true," Ranma smiled, "I really think I'm ready. Is there anyway to let it be known
that I love cuddling?"
Ryoga looked at Ranma funny, but Ranma continued, "It's kinda hard to talk about it
with Ryoga here, but I just want someone to hold me at night, when the tears come. Can
you help me?"
Cologne looked at the two applications, looked at Ranma, and seethed, "Get out! I'm not
going to help a jerk like you. I get guys like you all the time, just wanting to meet
vulnerable women, nail them, and never call them again."
"Do people do that?" Ranma looked appalled.
Cologne grabbed a staff that was leaning up against the wall behind her. In the
heartbeat of a humming bird, she had slammed the staff's end into Ranma's chest,
launching him up against the wall. She glared at him and said, "You are 300 years to early
to pull one over on me."
Ranma pulled himself out of the wall, and straightened out his suit, "Ryoga, let's go-"
Cologne interrupted, "No, Ryoga, you stay."
Ranma looked at Cologne one last time, deciding if he could actually take her or not.
Deciding against it, he leaves the office. Ryoga and Cologne sit back down. She smiles at
him, "You're cute. An architect. Good career. I can work with this, I can find the woman
you will marry in three days."
Ryoga shook his head, "No thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's a big
city, there's plenty of women out there.
Cologne smiled at Ryoga, "Ah yes, the Big Apple, it's a very big city, 19 million people.
9.7 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone about your age, give or take a
few years. If we look at the recent census data, that's 412,000. Of course, 48% of those
are already in a relationship, and you have to eliminate half of those for intelligence, sense
of humor, and compatibility. Then take out ex-girlfriends, and relatives. Not to mention
not counting all those pesky lesbians, and all that leaves us is eight women."
Ryoga was floored. He stared at Cologne for a moment, mouth agape, "That can't be
right. Eight? Only eight?"
Cologne hopped on her desk and walked across it to Ryoga, "There are only eight
women, in all of New York. If you feel you can find them without my help, then there's the
door," she gestured to the office door that Ranma had left just a minute before.
***
"So I agreed to it. Five days later, I still hadn't heard back from her, so I decided to
check in on Cologne, and see what was going on."
***
Ryoga knocked on Cologne's office door before opening it and letting himself in. She sat
behind her desk, her face ragged and worrisome. All around her were star charts, and
element boards. On the walls were planet graphs, and zodiac paths. On her computer
screen, a Chip and Dales screen-saver.
Smiling nervously Ryoga greeted Cologne. She looked at him, sadness in her eyes.
Ryoga began to look worried, "Umm, hi, it's Ryoga, do you remember me?"
Cologne nodded, apologizing, "I meant to call you. When the computer failed to turn up
a suitable match, I started going through the highest ranked candidates, to look for any
abnormalities in their destiny that would make you both compatible. Things that the
computer has trouble finessing."
"But you said it would only be three days," Ryoga expressed his confusion, "You said
there was at least eight women out there for me. I'm an architect, a martial artist! You
said I was cute!"
"How do you think I feel? For 300 hundered years I've had a 100% success rate. It's
why people come to me," Cologne sighed, "I've found several matches if you were gay."
"I'm not gay," Ryoga replied flatly.
"Not even a little bi?"
"You're kidding me right?" Ryoga said, exasperated.
"I tried everything Ryoga. I even stood out in the street for five hours showing your
photo to random pedestrians," Cologne lamented.
"You're gonna find someone for me," Ryoga said to her, as she began to drink some
wine.
"No I won't, you're gonna die alone," Cologne took another drink of wine and began to
pour another glass, "You're only going to get older and older, and it will only get harder."
"No, I'm not going to die alone," Ryoga said getting some wind in his sails, "It isn't
hopeless, my heart of glass couldn't survive in this world alone, and I refuse to let it. I'm
done with being depressed about this. Maybe your charts will help, maybe it won't, but it
will happen."
Cologne stared at him, his whole attitude transfigured under pressure, his emotional
coal, pressurized granting him a heart made of diamond. "So I should keep looking?" she
asked him.
Ryoga smiled, "Of course you should. And now, you're gonna do it for free."
***
"Cologne agreed, as long as I didn't make the story public. She got to keep her
guarantee, and I went on with my life, pretty much forgetting about Love Solutions. That
night we all met up at the Nekohanten, where your Uncle Ranma found a solution to my girl
problems."
***
Soft music played through the air of the Nekohanten. Mousse walked up to the booth
where Ryoga and his four friends were sitting, he set five blood red drinks in front of them
and said, "On the house, it's my own concoction. I call it, the Dead Duck."
They all, said, "Wow, thanks Mousse." Mousse went back to the bar and Ryoga quickly
asked in a whispered tone, "We're not really going to do shots, are we?"
Ranma and Lily shook their head no, and Akane picked one up, and after she stared at it
said, "This kind of looks like blood."
Marshal started looking nervous, he timidly asked, "I know you've all dismissed this
theory before, but ... is there any chance that Mousse is a vampire?"
Ranma snorted, "Yeah, and I transform into a girl when splashed with cold water."
"I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight,
only after dark," Marshal ticked off his points on his fingers.
Akane nodded, "You know, that does describe a vampire, or ... a bartender," she laughed
with everyone else, except Marshal, who became pensive. Akane checked her watch and
excused herself.
"Where are you going? Hot date?" Ryoga asked.
"Not exactly. A co-worker scored tickets to a MMA fight," Akane answered, everyone said
their goodbyes and she hurried out so she wouldn't be late.
Marshal looked over at Ryoga and asked, "Are you ok?"
"Sure, why?"
"Girl of your dreams, at an MMA fight with some other guy. You know how Martial Artists
get her going," Marshal explained.
"Ok, first of all, the co-worker isn't a martial artist, he's probably some over-weight fan
boy. Second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friends, it wouldn't work out,"
Ryoga explained. He continued, "I want to settle down, she wants-"
Ryoga was interrupted by Ranma's snoring. The three of them stare a bit until his head
starts to lean forward and he wakes up and asks, "Are you done Ryoga? Because, if you
are, there's a girl over there that's really hot. She's kinda short, but stacked. Should go
over there and talk to her."
"What am I going to say to her?" Ryoga asked.
"Daddy's home," Ranma answered with a goofy smile on his face.
"Daddy's home," Ryoga started wondering again why he hung out with Ranma, "Think
about that Ranma. You want us to go up to those girls, and say, 'daddy's home,'?"
Ranma stood up, and paused. He looked at the girls, then back to Ryoga. Ranma
straightened the red tie he was wearing, and nodded, "Yeah, I think it'll work." Ranma
walked over the the table in the corner of the Nekohanten where five girls seemed to be out
for a girl's night.
Marshal asked, "Is there anything on the menu with garlic in it?" Lily pointed out the
Garlic Fries, and after a moment Marshal said, "I'll get back to you on that."
Soon Ranma came back with a Saotome Cocky Bastard smile on his face and a yellow
piece of paper in his hand, "Daddy's back. See Ryoga, if I had thought about what I was
doing, I wouldn't have this sweetly written seven-digit love note from Ami."
Ryoga stared, fully aware that the cosmos were a big joke, "That worked. I hate the
world."
"Ryoga, your problem is that you get to nervous, and you start over analyzing things.
Then you start thinking they hate you, and you run away," Ranma summed up Ryoga's
problem with meeting new women.
"It's just the way I am, it can't be helped," Ryoga lamented.
"Oh yes, it can," Ranma put one of the Dead Duck shots infront of Ryoga.
"Interesting," Marshal commented, his curiousity peeked.
"Ryoga," Ranma began, "I believe we met for a reason. It's like destiny was saying, 'Hey
Ranma, you have all that extra confidence and awesomeness, why don't you share?'"
Ranma pushed Ryoga's head with a finger, as if he were trying to bore into Ryoga's skull,
"Your thick skull makes it hard for you to let your insecurities out. It happened with Akane,
it happened with shortstacked, and it's going to keep happening until you get over it, with
some serious Anything Goes Style Inebriation."
Ryoga shook his head, "You want me to do a shot?"
"No Ryoga, I want you to do five shots," Ranma answered sincerely.
"Even more interesting," Marshal smiled getting excited, "Ryoga, I think he's right. You
need to drink."
Suddenly Marshal and Ranma started chanting, "Drink, drink, drink."
Ryoga was getting frustrated, "Lily, help me out, can you tell them their being stupid?"
Lily nodded, "You guys are being immature and moronic and ... drink, drink, drink!"
Ryoga sat there, as they continued chanting. He tried covering his ears. He tried
buddhist chanting. He tried Zen meditation. Finally he gave up and took a shot of Dead
Duck. "This isn't going to work anyways," Ryoga began as they continued their chant, "I
have a strong body, alchohol cannot stop me."
Ryoga drank two more shots, "Not even any effect yet," he said as he had his fourth
shot, "I've got a super high constitution."
***
"The last thing I remember was the fifth shot. I had a few hazy memories of a jungle,
and a cellphone, but the next thing I remembered was waking up the next morning."
***
Ryoga groaned as he slowly woke up. His head felt like someone had slammed the business
end of an axe into it, and started shaking it back and forth. He rolled to his right to get a
look at the time, and groaned again. The big red numbers showed 8:01. That had to be
bad luck. Slowly sitting up, every muscle and hair in his body screamed in agony. He sat
there on the edge of the bed, willing his body to stand, but nothing happened. After a while
he looked back at his clock. Now it was 9:07.
Must have passed out again, he thought, his mind screamed at him a bit less. It was
then that Ryoga noticed the most peculiar thing he had ever imagined seeing on his
nightstand. A pineapple. Must have gotten lost, he thought to himself again. Grunting,
Ryoga slipped on his pajama bottoms, and a long sleeved white shirt. He stood up, and
immediately regretted it. His ankle gave out from under him and sent jolts of pain up his
leg and spine. Bracing himself, and favoring his left leg, Ryoga wondered what had
happened the night before. He remembered drinking the Dead Duck shots, but that was all.
Ryoga heard some shuffling, and looked back on the bed. Someone was sleeping in it. A
woman was sleeping in his bed. What happened last night? Who did he get together with?
Ryoga headed out of his room, and found Marshal and Lily sitting on the couch in their
pajamas, watching television. Lily heard him limping towards them, and after looking to see
how he was, and with a big smile on her face, she greeted him, "Good morning Mr. 'I can
handle five shots'. How'd you sleep last night?"
Ryoga sat on the recliner and looked at his two friends, "Guys, what happened last
night?"
Lily sat up excited, "You don't remember? We'll tell you."
***
"I've got a super high constitution," Ryoga quickly drank the last shot.
"Ok, Ryoga, what are you going to do?" Ranma asked.
"I'm going to call Akane," Ryoga got up and started dialing. He waited, with the phone
up to his ear, and then started talking, "Hey, Akane! Yeah, so how's it going? You know,
you're great! Yeah, I know you're... okay, okay... I'll talk to you later."
Lily got up and after Ryoga was done with the phone, she took it from him, "No Ryoga!
Friends don't let friends drink and call. You can have this back when you're sober."
Ranma walked up to her and quickly took the phone from her and returned it to Ryoga.
"Here you go Ryoga, do what you want."
"You can't do that," Lily tried to stop Ryoga but he had moved over to the jukebox.
"Lily, the whole purpose of this is to get him to loosen up," Ranma tried to calm Lily
down.
Suddenly some music started playing. "Ryoga...no, you wouldn't..." Marshal shook his
head. Lily and Ranma sat back down and watched as Ryoga stood up on a square table and
speed dialed his last call.
Ryoga started singing the song out of sync into the phone, "Since I met you before,
something is shining deep in my mind. Something made me feel lonely, that's why I closed
my eyes. Nothing special about what you did, and nothing special about what you said.
Reminds me of -aaaah!" Ryoga had been singing and dancing when he fell off the table.
Marshal and Lily hurried over and helped Ryoga up to his feet. He had twisted his ankle,
so they helped him up to the apartment, and helped him into bed. The whole time going up
stairs he told them how much he loved them. "We love you too Drunk Ryoga," Marshal
laughed at his friend.
"You guys are the best friends ever," Ryoga smiled up at them, before getting
comfortable in the bed.
***
"And then we went to bed," Lily finished telling the story to Ryoga.
"Well, that explains why my ankle hurts, but who was I with last night?" Ryoga asked.
Suddenly, and quietly, Lily and Marshal rushed to the door of Ryoga's room. They
peeked inside and were struck dumbfounded. Ryoga limped up to them, his ankle already
improving. The couple closed the door, and stared at Ryoga. Lily asked what was eating
away at her thoughts, "There's a girl on your bed... Why is there a girl on your bed? Who is
she?"
"And the pineapple, where did the pineapple come from?" Marshal asked.
Ryoga gasped, and picked up his jacket that was strewn on a table by his bedroom door.
"Guys look at my jacket," Ryoga picked it up and showed his friends the huge hole that was
burned on the back of it. Ryoga said, "Maybe I went back downstairs?"
"If you did, then Ranma might have seen you, let's call him," Marshal reached over to the
desk that sat by the window where they were at and dialed Ranma's phone number, before
handing the phone over to Ryoga.
Ryoga stood there with the phone up to his ear waiting for it to ring. Suddenly, all three
heard a phone ringing from the bath room. They rushed and limped over to investigate.
Pulling back the shower curtain, they found Ranma, in his suit, sleeping in the bath tub.
Ryoga asked him why he was there.
Ranma greeted them and explained, "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."
Lily suddenly realized something, "Wait were you awake in there when I used the
bathroom this morning?"
"What? No! I didn't hear you pee. Oh, by the way, you have a pretty large tank for such
a small girl," Ranma smiled as he got up.
"So Ranma, did you see me again last night after Marshal and Lily brought me upstairs?"
Ryoga asked.
"Oh yeah, you came back alright. I'll tell you about it," Ranma smiled as they all moved
into the living room, "it was about and hour later at nine when Ryoga came back
downstairs."
***
Ryoga entered the Nekohanten, and with a smile and wave of his arms he greeted them
all, "Hey I'm back!"
Ranma looked up from his place at the bar and smiled a triumphant smile at his friend
Ryoga. Waiving his friend over, Ranma ordered a beer for him. "Welcome back Ryoga!
Good for you! Now, you ready to pick up some girls?" Ranma asked, a patented Saotome
Super Happy smile on his face.
"Oh yeah!" Ryoga grinned, accepting the drink.
"Perfect, because I got a beauty over here all lined up for you, follow me," Ranma turned
around and walked over to a blond woman sitting alone at a small table. He smiled at her
as he sat down next to her, "Hello, have you met Ryoga?"
Ranma noticed the blank look on her face, and turned around to find the Ryoga had
walked away and was on the phone. Sighing, he excused himself away from the girl, and
walked up to Ryoga. "Ryoga, what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm calling Akane," Ryoga said, as he tried to find her number on his phone.
"Ryoga, I forbid you from calling Akane. You need to move on from that, and find a girl
that's here, so that you can get past this whole Akane phase," Ranma tried to take the
phone from Ryoga, but Ryoga dodged his attempts. "You know what," Ranma conceded,
"Go ahead and call her, but if you do, I'm going to set your clothes on fire.
Ryoga found Akane's number and called. He held up the phone to his ear, and said,
"Hey, Akane, I just wanted to let you know -aaaagh!"
***
Ranma looked at Ryoga's burnt jacket, "Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast, this is
a blend. You've been robbed."
Ryoga stared at his friend, "You set me on fire!" After calming down some, Ryoga asked,
"So what happened after that?"
Ranma shrugged his shoulders and said, "After I hosed you down with the beer gun, I
brought you upstairs and put you to bed."
"And no one was with me?" Ryoga asked, starting to get frustrated with the whole
situation.
Ranma stared at Ryoga, then rushed over to his friend's room. Quietly opening the door,
he looked at the girl sleeping face down in Ryoga's bed. Ranma closed the door and turned
back to the group, "There's a girl in your bed. Who is she? Is she alive?"
"I don't know," Ryoga answered, scratching an itch on his arm.
"Nice!" Ranma smiled at his friend.
"Did you notice the pineapple? Am I the only one curious about the pineapple?" Marshal
asked.
Ryoga shook his head and continued scratching his right arm. He pulled the sleeve back
up when he noticed something very strange. "Guys ... look at this," Ryoga held up his
exposed arm for the group to see. On the inside of it, were the words, 'My name is Ryoga,
if you find me, call 347-555-1901.'
"Call the number," Marshal whispered, entranced and excited.
Ryoga, dialed the number and waited. "Um, hello, who is this?"
"You called me, who are you?" came the annoyed voice from the other side of the phone.
"Um, this is Ryoga," Ryoga grimaced waiting for the answer.
"Oh Ryoga, this is Mousse, from the bar," the voice on the other end of the phone said.
Ryoga put the phone on speaker and asked Mousse what happened the night before,
"You came downstairs, and immediately announced that you were going to go throw up.
You went to the bathroom. About ten minutes later you came back, talking about wanting
to visit penguins. So I wrote my number on your arm, so that if you got in trouble I could
go pick you up. That's when you decided that you were going to call Akane. After that you
went outside and got into a cab."
"Thanks Mousse," Ryoga hung up the phone and looked at his friends, "It's Akane. Oh
Kami, what does this mean?" Ryoga stood up and started pacing, limping only once in a
while.
"I think you need to go in there and talk to her," Lily stated sagely.
"You're right," Ryoga walked into his bedroom, his friends excitedly waiting in the living
room. Ryoga approached the other side of the bed, when his phone rang. Quickly
answering it, he stood in shock, "Are you sure?" he asked to the phone before coming back
out of the room.
"What's going on?" Marshal asked confused.
Ryoga stared at them, "It's not Akane, she just called and she's on her way over."
Ranma looked confused, "If it's not Akane who is it?"
Suddenly, a tall beautiful brunette came out of Ryoga's room. She was only wearing an
over-sized tee shirt and house slippers, she said, "Hi, my name is Makoto, sorry about this,"
she smiled nervously. She then told them what happened the night before.
***
At the Nekohanten, Makoto sat with four of her friends. She took a sip of the wine in
front of her and made her announcement, "You know, I have half a mind to just hook up
with the next guy I see. After breaking up with my last boyfriend, I just want to get back
on the saddle." Her friends raised their glasses to toast her proclamation.
Slyly, a tall, well dressed Ranma with a pig-tail hairstyle, walked up to them. He was
kind of cute, until he said, "Daddy's home." The girls shuddered, and stared at him as if he
were a lunatic.
"Maybe the next guy after him," Makoto quickly whispered to her friends with a laugh.
Ranma grimaced but simply stated, "Fair enough," then as Ranma grabbed a pen out of
his pocket and started writing something down on one of the napkins, he looked at one of
Makoto's friends sitting across from her and said, "Your name is now Ami, and you just gave
me your phone number. I have to convince my friend about something."
As Ranma walked away, Ami looked at the others, slightly disturbed and asked, "How did
he know my name?"
Later on, Makoto laughed with her friends as Ryoga sang, and then fell off the table.
"He's kinda cute," she laughed. Her friends made fun of her that he was the third cute guy
already that night, and that anyone would make her say that.
As the night was coming to a close, and her girlfriends had to leave, Makoto went to the
restroom to wash her hands. Scaring her, the dark haired Ryoga came out of the bathroom
stall behind her. He stared at her and asked her, "What are you doing in the men's
bathroom? Wait, what am I doing in the women's bathroom?"
Makoto turned around and looked at him, "What are you doing in the women's
restroom," she emphasised her words.
"I came in here to throw up," he smiled.
"And did you?" she asked him.
"Nope," he walked up to her and started washing his hands boldly. Makoto laughed at
him. He smiled at her and said, "I haven't thrown up since 1993."
"Vomit free since ninety-three huh?" she laughed, as he seemed to like the rhyme.
"Vomit free since two-ot-five doesn't sound as good," he smiled at her, then as he dried
his hands asked her, "Hey, you know, I know we just met and all, but ... could I get your
phone number?"
"Sure," she smiled at him, and as he pulled out his phone, he seemed to be having
trouble finding the numbers. She took the phone from him and told him she'd put it in for
him, "My name is Makoto by the way," she smiled at him as she finished adding herself to
his contacts list.
Ryoga accepted his phone back and looked at the number she entered, he pressed to
dial, and said to her, "My name's Ryoga, and ... oh hey it works," he hung up quickly, "And
now you know my number."
She smiled at him, "Hey I have to go okay?" They said their goodbyes to each other.
It was only ten minutes later, after Makoto had gotten into a cab, when she received a
phone call from Ryoga. He convinced her to hook up that night. She had the cab turn
around, and pick up Ryoga.
***
Makoto had to just gotten to the point where Ryoga joined her in the cab, when there
was a knocking on the door. Ryoga suddenly remembered the Akane was on her way.
"Quick, hide in my room," Ryoga started trying to move Makoto.
"What? Why? Is that your girlfriend?" Makoto started getting pissed off.
"No, it's complicated," Ryoga tried to explain.
"So she's your wife?" Makoto was now angry and hurt, that she always picked the wrong
guy.
"No," Ryoga's voice softened, "I'll explain it to you in a bit, but I need to talk to her first,
before she sees you."
Makoto, went into his room, and Ryoga rushed to answer the door. Akane walked in, and
was surprised to find all their friends over so early in the morning. "Listen, Ryoga, we need
to talk about those phone calls last night."
Lily and Marshal dragged Ranma to the kitchen, saying they suddenly had to check on
the stove. Akane was glad that they were giving her and Ryoga space to talk. She looked
back at Ryoga, but before she could say anything, Ryoga said, "Look, I'm sorry about those
calls last night."
Akane was annoyed, "Ryoga, you have to move on, if you don't we won't be able to stay
friends."
"I have moved on, I met someone last night," Ryoga explained.
"Really? Because you kept leaving messages like this," Akane pulled out her phone and
played one of the messages Ryoga had left on her phone the night before. She turned on
the speakerphone, and Ryoga's voice came through.
"Hey Akane, answer the phone! If you don't pick up I'm going to keep making this
noise. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" Akane turned off the message, and grimaced at Ryoga.
"That goes on for another three minutes," Akane clarified.
"Three minutes without catching my breath? That's has to be a world record," Ryoga
laughed.
"Seriously, Ryoga, what are you going to do about this," Akane said, trying to break
through his jokes.
"Akane, I really have moved on, last night, I shut down my brain, that's why you got
those calls, but I really have moved on. I'll show you," Ryoga led her to his room, and
opened the door. "Makoto, come out, it's okay now."
Akane looked around, "So you're going to show me your imaginary girlfriend?"
"No, she was here," Ryoga noticed the window was open, "She must have gone down the
fire escape."
***
"And that was that. Akane and I remained friends, and Makoto didn't return my phone
calls. Sometimes you get drunk, and all that you get out of it is a headache, and a bad
taste in your mouth. Either way, it's never a solution," Ryoga concluded.
"Dad, can we finish this later, I have homework," Ryoga's son interrupted before his
father could start up again.
"Sure, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow," Ryoga hugged his kids goodnight, as they fled to
do homework, or go meet up with friends.
***
Ryoga Hibiki, walks up to his home, an old two-story Japanese home facing Mount Fuji.
The home is in good repair, and he can hear his kids playing inside. He opens the front
door, and is greeted by the sounds of family, "I'm home!"
"I told you to stop trying to sell photos of me in the shower to your perverted friends!"
Ryoga's daughter yelled as she slammed her fist into her brother's face.
"Ah good, you're both home, then get your brother into the living room, I have more to
tell you," Ryoga smiled, as his son lay on the floor, his right leg twitching every once in a
while.
***
Knock, knock, knock. Ryoga quickly followed up by holding up a stuffed black pig to the
peephole. After a moment the door opened and Azusa was looking right at Ryoga. "Go
Away!" She screamed at him, while trying to take the pig from him at the same time.
"I just want to say I'm sorry," Ryoga tried to explain, as she was now hitting him with
the fire extinguisher from the hallway, and shouting something about Charlotte. "Look, I
know you're mad, but here, happy birthday... three years ago."
Ryoga let her have the pig. Azusa squeezed her new prize tightly, then gave Ryoga the
coldest cruelest gaze his twenty-seven year old self had ever experienced. "Screw you,
three years ago," she spit the words at him, and then went back into her apartment.
Ryoga followed her, letting the door close behind him. "I know leaving a message was
stupid. I know how much it sucked."
"No you don't," she answered him, sadness gripping her eyes, "my friend Mikado was
throwing a surprise birthday party for me. You left that message, and everyone there heard
it. I came home right after you had called... I had heard the phone out in the hallway, and
I was even rushing so that I wouldn't miss your call."
Ryoga looked shocked, "There was a surprise party that night, and no one told me? Oh,
never mind, not the point. Look Azusa, I was a stupid kid back then. I'm different now."
Azusa stared at Ryoga, "Oh so now you're ready to get married and settle down?" Ryoga
sheepishly nodded in response. Azusa continued to look at him as if he was crazy, "You
must think I have no self respect."
"Come on, just... one cup of coffee," Ryoga smiled, picked up a teddy bear that Azusa
had in her living room, and pretended to make the teddy talk, "Please Azusa, give him a
chance. Self respect is over-rated!"
Azusa laughed.
***
"We started dating again. It was just like before, it seemed that happily ever after
wasn't far off. A couple of weeks later your Aunt Akane invited us all to go ice skating."
***
The Nekohanten was somewhat active, as Ryoga, Azusa, Ranma, Marshal, and Lily sat
together talking. Just then Akane came in with a big smile, "Say I'm awesome."
"You're awesome," Ryoga said looking confused, "why are you awesome this time?"
Akane pulled up a seat next to Ranma's chair, and said, "Because I just got us invited to
an exclusive Ice Skating Party, tonight! The organizer goes to my gym and is a big fan of
my reporting for Metro News One, so I'm on the list and I can bring 4 guests!"
"Well count us out sorry," Lily smiled, "we're having friends over for wine and cheese
tasting."
Marshal looked slightly put out but smiled and held Lily's hand, "Yeah, we trying to grow
up, classy."
"Well, Ranma? Ryoga?" Akane looked over at them.
"Sure," Ranma said, "we'll be there."
Ryoga looked over at Azusa, then at Akane. Akane nodded, and then said, "Great! And
Ryoga, don't forget to bring your date."
Ryoga smiled at Azusa, who got up to leave, "Thanks for the invite, I'll meet you all
there, I gotta go back to work, bye sweetie." She kissed Ryoga and left.
After Azusa left, Ryoga sighed and put his face in his hands, leaning on the table. By the
time he looked back up Akane had left, and Ranma was now sitting on the bench next to
him, Ryoga said, "I have to break up with her."
Marshal looked over at Ryoga, "I don't get it. Azusa is awesome."
Ryoga nodded, "I know, she's great, but I have to break up with her."
Suddenly Lily was on top of Ryoga's head, smacking him with a beer mug with each word
she said, "Why - couldn't - you - leave - that - poor - girl - alone?"
"I know," Ryoga lamented, un-phased by the attacks, "These past two weeks have been
great, and I should be in love with her, but I'm not. I can't explain it."
"So when are you going to break up with her?" Marshal asked, getting his fiancee off of
Ryoga.
Ranma smiled and said, "She's probably on the subway now. You could call her voice
mail. Beep, dumped, click, done!"
"No, not this time, I have to do it face to face, I just don't know what to say," Ryoga
looked down at his drink, "I already told her I'm ready for a commitment, so saying, 'I'm
not ready' won't work."
"Even if it would have, I think Azusa deserves better," Lily said after having calmed
down.
"There's no better in breaking up," Marshal put in, "There's only less awful."
"There's no way out.... by Kami - I'm going to have to marry her," Ryoga grabbed his
head and screamed to the heavens.
"No, don't worry, we'll figure something out," Marshal tried to calm Ryoga down, "How
about - 'It's not you, it's me?"
"Or," Ranma broke in, "six words, 'You look fat in those jeans'."
"Ryoga, why don't you tell her the truth?" Lily asked, "What is the truth? Why do you
want to break up with her?"
"The truth," Ryoga paused and thought about it, "The truth is .... she's not the one."
"So tell her that," Lily said.
***
"So it was decided, I was going to tell Azusa, the truth. We all met up at the Ice Rink,
me, your Uncle Ranma, your Aunt Akane, and Azusa."
***Ryoga got out of the Taxi, with Ranma coming around the other side. Ranma put his
hand on Ryoga's shoulder and smiled at him, "I'm glad you finally put a suit on."
"Yeah, gotta break her heart in style right?" Ryoga said looking a little depressed.
"Well, you can do it on the ice, just tell her and then let her go, that way you can make
your getaway," Ranma said, as he guided Ryoga into the building.
They met up with Akane and Azusa who were waiting by the door, Azusa ran up and
kissed Ryoga, and they walked in hand in hand. Ranma snorted, and Akane gave Ryoga a
quick smile. Inside the party was beautiful, several tables with different foods on them,
there was a bar, and a patio, where just outside, Lady Liberty could be seen.
"Very nice party Tendo," Ranma smiled, "Thanks for inviting us."
"Yes, thank you Akane," Azusa beamed, "but you said there was ice skating?"
"Yeah, over there, they have skate rentals and everything," Akane pointed the way, "I'll
be there soon, I have to go thank the guy who gave me the invitations."
Ryoga, Ranma, and Azusa, said, "See you soon," and went over to go skating. After
paying for both of their rentals, Ryoga and Azusa were soon skating through the ice. The
rink looked like it was multi-use, with some faint markings left from when they have hockey
games. Though Ryoga had no problems on the ice, Azusa was skating as if she were a pro.
"Wow, you're really good," Ryoga praised Azusa, as Ranma passed nearby and slammed
into a wall after having trouble stopping.
"You're not to bad yourself," Azusa smiled, "and definately better than Ranma over
there." They both danced around each other, back and forth as the skated around the rink.
Ryoga pulled over to one of the walls to stop for a bit, and soon was joined by Azusa.
She smiled at him radiantly, clearly in her element. He smiled at her, then said, "Look
Azusa, I need to say something to you."
"Let me say something first," she smiled at him, "Today, I had not one, not two, but
three birthday cakes. So do you think that tonight, we can just skip the cake?"
Ryoga stared at her, color draining from his face, "Today is your birthday? I didn't get
you anything..."
"It's okay, you gave me the greatest gift of all," Azusa hugged Ryoga, then pulled back
and beamed at him, "I can trust again."
"Oh Kami, .... Azusa, I have to tell you something, and there's no good way of telling
you. I really like you, but we have to break up. I don't think you're the one for me. I don't
want to waste your time, and I think you deserve to know now, instead of later. I thought
it would be best to be honest," Ryoga said. Azusa covered her face with her hands, and
Ryoga patted her shoulder, "It's okay, they're only tears."
Suddenly, Azusa grabbed Ryoga's hand and twisted it around his back. She turned them
so she could use the wall as a brace, and launched him into the ice. She screamed at him,
"What do you mean, 'I'm not the one'?"
Ryoga spun around and caught himself, he timidly skated back to her, "I'm sorry, I
thought it would be the mature thing to do-"
Azusa cut him off, "It's my Birthday!"
"I know, I didn't realize today was your birthday-"
"Okay, so what's the problem?" Azusa skated up to Ryoga, and stood in-front of him,
looking up into his eyes.
"I can't explain it," Ryoga smiled weakly.
"Try!" Azusa spoke forcibly, causing Ryoga to cringe a little.
"It's, it's, oh I don't know!" Ryoga sighed.
"I'll tell you what it is! You broke my heart, over my machine, on my birthday, then you
waited three years, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you, just so you could
dump me on my birthday!"
"It's not that, it's, it's .... it's - I'm really lost right now," Ryoga backed away from Azusa.
Then Akane came over, "Hey! I want you guys to meet the one who invited me here.
Ryoga, Azusa, this is Mikado."
Azusa skated over to Mikado and cried into his chest, "Mikado! Ryoga dumped me on my
birthday again!"
Akane stared at Ryoga in shock, and Mikado put his arm around Azusa's shoulders to
comfort her. He stared Ryoga down, and said, "You will not leave her heart broken and
escape unscathed this time! We'll show you why we were once called the Golden Pair of
Anything Goes Martial Arts Skating!"
***
"Honestly, after their first attack I was knocked out, and by the time I came to, I was in
the hospital, with Uncle Ranma and Aunt Akane standing over me," Ryoga looked over at
his two teenage children as they listened to his story, and regardless of how much they
voiced their opinions of being bored, at least they were paying attention. He continued,
"But it's the bad times that helps prepare you for the good times. And after seeing me have
such a bad time at it, your Aunt Akane made a suggestion. So as I lay there, and they filled
me in on what happened after the fight, Akane told me about a dating service that she had
recently done a piece on for Metro News One. They had a 100% success rate. I told her I
wasn't going to go, but somehow, your Uncle Ranma tricked me into going..."
***
Ryoga finished the application at Love Solutions, then looked at Ranma, and said, "Your
boat is sinking... that was a good one."
"This is a great opportunity Ryoga! We'll meet our soul-mates, nail-em, and never call
them again," Ranma chuckled.
***
Ryoga sat next to Ranma, waiting for their turn to speak with the Matchmaker of Love
Solutions. The waiting room was comfortable, and Ryoga looked at pictures on the walls of
all the different happy couples. Soon a frog-like, voice greeted them both. Ryoga turned
around to see a short, old woman standing behind him. Her hair was long, straight, and
very healthy looking. Her eyes carried a soft compassion that drew Ryoga into them. She
quickly motioned for the two to follow her, and led them into her office.
They all sat down, and over the maple desk between them, the old lady smiled, "I am
Cologne, and I'm here to help you find the love of your life."
"Oh, thank goodness, Cologne," Ranma looked at the Matchmaker's eyes, "I'm so tired of
the single life, all the games, and meaningless sex."
Cologne nodded, "You deserve more."
"That's true," Ranma smiled, "I really think I'm ready. Is there anyway to let it be known
that I love cuddling?"
Ryoga looked at Ranma funny, but Ranma continued, "It's kinda hard to talk about it
with Ryoga here, but I just want someone to hold me at night, when the tears come. Can
you help me?"
Cologne looked at the two applications, looked at Ranma, and seethed, "Get out! I'm not
going to help a jerk like you. I get guys like you all the time, just wanting to meet
vulnerable women, nail them, and never call them again."
"Do people do that?" Ranma looked appalled.
Cologne grabbed a staff that was leaning up against the wall behind her. In the
heartbeat of a humming bird, she had slammed the staff's end into Ranma's chest,
launching him up against the wall. She glared at him and said, "You are 300 years to early
to pull one over on me."
Ranma pulled himself out of the wall, and straightened out his suit, "Ryoga, let's go-"
Cologne interrupted, "No, Ryoga, you stay."
Ranma looked at Cologne one last time, deciding if he could actually take her or not.
Deciding against it, he leaves the office. Ryoga and Cologne sit back down. She smiles at
him, "You're cute. An architect. Good career. I can work with this, I can find the woman
you will marry in three days."
Ryoga shook his head, "No thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's a big
city, there's plenty of women out there.
Cologne smiled at Ryoga, "Ah yes, the Big Apple, it's a very big city, 19 million people.
9.7 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone about your age, give or take a
few years. If we look at the recent census data, that's 412,000. Of course, 48% of those
are already in a relationship, and you have to eliminate half of those for intelligence, sense
of humor, and compatibility. Then take out ex-girlfriends, and relatives. Not to mention
not counting all those pesky lesbians, and all that leaves us is eight women."
Ryoga was floored. He stared at Cologne for a moment, mouth agape, "That can't be
right. Eight? Only eight?"
Cologne hopped on her desk and walked across it to Ryoga, "There are only eight
women, in all of New York. If you feel you can find them without my help, then there's the
door," she gestured to the office door that Ranma had left just a minute before.
***
"So I agreed to it. Five days later, I still hadn't heard back from her, so I decided to
check in on Cologne, and see what was going on."
***
Ryoga knocked on Cologne's office door before opening it and letting himself in. She sat
behind her desk, her face ragged and worrisome. All around her were star charts, and
element boards. On the walls were planet graphs, and zodiac paths. On her computer
screen, a Chip and Dales screen-saver.
Smiling nervously Ryoga greeted Cologne. She looked at him, sadness in her eyes.
Ryoga began to look worried, "Umm, hi, it's Ryoga, do you remember me?"
Cologne nodded, apologizing, "I meant to call you. When the computer failed to turn up
a suitable match, I started going through the highest ranked candidates, to look for any
abnormalities in their destiny that would make you both compatible. Things that the
computer has trouble finessing."
"But you said it would only be three days," Ryoga expressed his confusion, "You said
there was at least eight women out there for me. I'm an architect, a martial artist! You
said I was cute!"
"How do you think I feel? For 300 hundered years I've had a 100% success rate. It's
why people come to me," Cologne sighed, "I've found several matches if you were gay."
"I'm not gay," Ryoga replied flatly.
"Not even a little bi?"
"You're kidding me right?" Ryoga said, exasperated.
"I tried everything Ryoga. I even stood out in the street for five hours showing your
photo to random pedestrians," Cologne lamented.
"You're gonna find someone for me," Ryoga said to her, as she began to drink some
wine.
"No I won't, you're gonna die alone," Cologne took another drink of wine and began to
pour another glass, "You're only going to get older and older, and it will only get harder."
"No, I'm not going to die alone," Ryoga said getting some wind in his sails, "It isn't
hopeless, my heart of glass couldn't survive in this world alone, and I refuse to let it. I'm
done with being depressed about this. Maybe your charts will help, maybe it won't, but it
will happen."
Cologne stared at him, his whole attitude transfigured under pressure, his emotional
coal, pressurized granting him a heart made of diamond. "So I should keep looking?" she
asked him.
Ryoga smiled, "Of course you should. And now, you're gonna do it for free."
***
"Cologne agreed, as long as I didn't make the story public. She got to keep her
guarantee, and I went on with my life, pretty much forgetting about Love Solutions. That
night we all met up at the Nekohanten, where your Uncle Ranma found a solution to my girl
problems."
***
Soft music played through the air of the Nekohanten. Mousse walked up to the booth
where Ryoga and his four friends were sitting, he set five blood red drinks in front of them
and said, "On the house, it's my own concoction. I call it, the Dead Duck."
They all, said, "Wow, thanks Mousse." Mousse went back to the bar and Ryoga quickly
asked in a whispered tone, "We're not really going to do shots, are we?"
Ranma and Lily shook their head no, and Akane picked one up, and after she stared at it
said, "This kind of looks like blood."
Marshal started looking nervous, he timidly asked, "I know you've all dismissed this
theory before, but ... is there any chance that Mousse is a vampire?"
Ranma snorted, "Yeah, and I transform into a girl when splashed with cold water."
"I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight,
only after dark," Marshal ticked off his points on his fingers.
Akane nodded, "You know, that does describe a vampire, or ... a bartender," she laughed
with everyone else, except Marshal, who became pensive. Akane checked her watch and
excused herself.
"Where are you going? Hot date?" Ryoga asked.
"Not exactly. A co-worker scored tickets to a MMA fight," Akane answered, everyone said
their goodbyes and she hurried out so she wouldn't be late.
Marshal looked over at Ryoga and asked, "Are you ok?"
"Sure, why?"
"Girl of your dreams, at an MMA fight with some other guy. You know how Martial Artists
get her going," Marshal explained.
"Ok, first of all, the co-worker isn't a martial artist, he's probably some over-weight fan
boy. Second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friends, it wouldn't work out,"
Ryoga explained. He continued, "I want to settle down, she wants-"
Ryoga was interrupted by Ranma's snoring. The three of them stare a bit until his head
starts to lean forward and he wakes up and asks, "Are you done Ryoga? Because, if you
are, there's a girl over there that's really hot. She's kinda short, but stacked. Should go
over there and talk to her."
"What am I going to say to her?" Ryoga asked.
"Daddy's home," Ranma answered with a goofy smile on his face.
"Daddy's home," Ryoga started wondering again why he hung out with Ranma, "Think
about that Ranma. You want us to go up to those girls, and say, 'daddy's home,'?"
Ranma stood up, and paused. He looked at the girls, then back to Ryoga. Ranma
straightened the red tie he was wearing, and nodded, "Yeah, I think it'll work." Ranma
walked over the the table in the corner of the Nekohanten where five girls seemed to be out
for a girl's night.
Marshal asked, "Is there anything on the menu with garlic in it?" Lily pointed out the
Garlic Fries, and after a moment Marshal said, "I'll get back to you on that."
Soon Ranma came back with a Saotome Cocky Bastard smile on his face and a yellow
piece of paper in his hand, "Daddy's back. See Ryoga, if I had thought about what I was
doing, I wouldn't have this sweetly written seven-digit love note from Ami."
Ryoga stared, fully aware that the cosmos were a big joke, "That worked. I hate the
world."
"Ryoga, your problem is that you get to nervous, and you start over analyzing things.
Then you start thinking they hate you, and you run away," Ranma summed up Ryoga's
problem with meeting new women.
"It's just the way I am, it can't be helped," Ryoga lamented.
"Oh yes, it can," Ranma put one of the Dead Duck shots infront of Ryoga.
"Interesting," Marshal commented, his curiousity peeked.
"Ryoga," Ranma began, "I believe we met for a reason. It's like destiny was saying, 'Hey
Ranma, you have all that extra confidence and awesomeness, why don't you share?'"
Ranma pushed Ryoga's head with a finger, as if he were trying to bore into Ryoga's skull,
"Your thick skull makes it hard for you to let your insecurities out. It happened with Akane,
it happened with shortstacked, and it's going to keep happening until you get over it, with
some serious Anything Goes Style Inebriation."
Ryoga shook his head, "You want me to do a shot?"
"No Ryoga, I want you to do five shots," Ranma answered sincerely.
"Even more interesting," Marshal smiled getting excited, "Ryoga, I think he's right. You
need to drink."
Suddenly Marshal and Ranma started chanting, "Drink, drink, drink."
Ryoga was getting frustrated, "Lily, help me out, can you tell them their being stupid?"
Lily nodded, "You guys are being immature and moronic and ... drink, drink, drink!"
Ryoga sat there, as they continued chanting. He tried covering his ears. He tried
buddhist chanting. He tried Zen meditation. Finally he gave up and took a shot of Dead
Duck. "This isn't going to work anyways," Ryoga began as they continued their chant, "I
have a strong body, alchohol cannot stop me."
Ryoga drank two more shots, "Not even any effect yet," he said as he had his fourth
shot, "I've got a super high constitution."
***
"The last thing I remember was the fifth shot. I had a few hazy memories of a jungle,
and a cellphone, but the next thing I remembered was waking up the next morning."
***
Ryoga groaned as he slowly woke up. His head felt like someone had slammed the business
end of an axe into it, and started shaking it back and forth. He rolled to his right to get a
look at the time, and groaned again. The big red numbers showed 8:01. That had to be
bad luck. Slowly sitting up, every muscle and hair in his body screamed in agony. He sat
there on the edge of the bed, willing his body to stand, but nothing happened. After a while
he looked back at his clock. Now it was 9:07.
Must have passed out again, he thought, his mind screamed at him a bit less. It was
then that Ryoga noticed the most peculiar thing he had ever imagined seeing on his
nightstand. A pineapple. Must have gotten lost, he thought to himself again. Grunting,
Ryoga slipped on his pajama bottoms, and a long sleeved white shirt. He stood up, and
immediately regretted it. His ankle gave out from under him and sent jolts of pain up his
leg and spine. Bracing himself, and favoring his left leg, Ryoga wondered what had
happened the night before. He remembered drinking the Dead Duck shots, but that was all.
Ryoga heard some shuffling, and looked back on the bed. Someone was sleeping in it. A
woman was sleeping in his bed. What happened last night? Who did he get together with?
Ryoga headed out of his room, and found Marshal and Lily sitting on the couch in their
pajamas, watching television. Lily heard him limping towards them, and after looking to see
how he was, and with a big smile on her face, she greeted him, "Good morning Mr. 'I can
handle five shots'. How'd you sleep last night?"
Ryoga sat on the recliner and looked at his two friends, "Guys, what happened last
night?"
Lily sat up excited, "You don't remember? We'll tell you."
***
"I've got a super high constitution," Ryoga quickly drank the last shot.
"Ok, Ryoga, what are you going to do?" Ranma asked.
"I'm going to call Akane," Ryoga got up and started dialing. He waited, with the phone
up to his ear, and then started talking, "Hey, Akane! Yeah, so how's it going? You know,
you're great! Yeah, I know you're... okay, okay... I'll talk to you later."
Lily got up and after Ryoga was done with the phone, she took it from him, "No Ryoga!
Friends don't let friends drink and call. You can have this back when you're sober."
Ranma walked up to her and quickly took the phone from her and returned it to Ryoga.
"Here you go Ryoga, do what you want."
"You can't do that," Lily tried to stop Ryoga but he had moved over to the jukebox.
"Lily, the whole purpose of this is to get him to loosen up," Ranma tried to calm Lily
down.
Suddenly some music started playing. "Ryoga...no, you wouldn't..." Marshal shook his
head. Lily and Ranma sat back down and watched as Ryoga stood up on a square table and
speed dialed his last call.
Ryoga started singing the song out of sync into the phone, "Since I met you before,
something is shining deep in my mind. Something made me feel lonely, that's why I closed
my eyes. Nothing special about what you did, and nothing special about what you said.
Reminds me of -aaaah!" Ryoga had been singing and dancing when he fell off the table.
Marshal and Lily hurried over and helped Ryoga up to his feet. He had twisted his ankle,
so they helped him up to the apartment, and helped him into bed. The whole time going up
stairs he told them how much he loved them. "We love you too Drunk Ryoga," Marshal
laughed at his friend.
"You guys are the best friends ever," Ryoga smiled up at them, before getting
comfortable in the bed.
***
"And then we went to bed," Lily finished telling the story to Ryoga.
"Well, that explains why my ankle hurts, but who was I with last night?" Ryoga asked.
Suddenly, and quietly, Lily and Marshal rushed to the door of Ryoga's room. They
peeked inside and were struck dumbfounded. Ryoga limped up to them, his ankle already
improving. The couple closed the door, and stared at Ryoga. Lily asked what was eating
away at her thoughts, "There's a girl on your bed... Why is there a girl on your bed? Who is
she?"
"And the pineapple, where did the pineapple come from?" Marshal asked.
Ryoga gasped, and picked up his jacket that was strewn on a table by his bedroom door.
"Guys look at my jacket," Ryoga picked it up and showed his friends the huge hole that was
burned on the back of it. Ryoga said, "Maybe I went back downstairs?"
"If you did, then Ranma might have seen you, let's call him," Marshal reached over to the
desk that sat by the window where they were at and dialed Ranma's phone number, before
handing the phone over to Ryoga.
Ryoga stood there with the phone up to his ear waiting for it to ring. Suddenly, all three
heard a phone ringing from the bath room. They rushed and limped over to investigate.
Pulling back the shower curtain, they found Ranma, in his suit, sleeping in the bath tub.
Ryoga asked him why he was there.
Ranma greeted them and explained, "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."
Lily suddenly realized something, "Wait were you awake in there when I used the
bathroom this morning?"
"What? No! I didn't hear you pee. Oh, by the way, you have a pretty large tank for such
a small girl," Ranma smiled as he got up.
"So Ranma, did you see me again last night after Marshal and Lily brought me upstairs?"
Ryoga asked.
"Oh yeah, you came back alright. I'll tell you about it," Ranma smiled as they all moved
into the living room, "it was about and hour later at nine when Ryoga came back
downstairs."
***
Ryoga entered the Nekohanten, and with a smile and wave of his arms he greeted them
all, "Hey I'm back!"
Ranma looked up from his place at the bar and smiled a triumphant smile at his friend
Ryoga. Waiving his friend over, Ranma ordered a beer for him. "Welcome back Ryoga!
Good for you! Now, you ready to pick up some girls?" Ranma asked, a patented Saotome
Super Happy smile on his face.
"Oh yeah!" Ryoga grinned, accepting the drink.
"Perfect, because I got a beauty over here all lined up for you, follow me," Ranma turned
around and walked over to a blond woman sitting alone at a small table. He smiled at her
as he sat down next to her, "Hello, have you met Ryoga?"
Ranma noticed the blank look on her face, and turned around to find the Ryoga had
walked away and was on the phone. Sighing, he excused himself away from the girl, and
walked up to Ryoga. "Ryoga, what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm calling Akane," Ryoga said, as he tried to find her number on his phone.
"Ryoga, I forbid you from calling Akane. You need to move on from that, and find a girl
that's here, so that you can get past this whole Akane phase," Ranma tried to take the
phone from Ryoga, but Ryoga dodged his attempts. "You know what," Ranma conceded,
"Go ahead and call her, but if you do, I'm going to set your clothes on fire.
Ryoga found Akane's number and called. He held up the phone to his ear, and said,
"Hey, Akane, I just wanted to let you know -aaaagh!"
***
Ranma looked at Ryoga's burnt jacket, "Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast, this is
a blend. You've been robbed."
Ryoga stared at his friend, "You set me on fire!" After calming down some, Ryoga asked,
"So what happened after that?"
Ranma shrugged his shoulders and said, "After I hosed you down with the beer gun, I
brought you upstairs and put you to bed."
"And no one was with me?" Ryoga asked, starting to get frustrated with the whole
situation.
Ranma stared at Ryoga, then rushed over to his friend's room. Quietly opening the door,
he looked at the girl sleeping face down in Ryoga's bed. Ranma closed the door and turned
back to the group, "There's a girl in your bed. Who is she? Is she alive?"
"I don't know," Ryoga answered, scratching an itch on his arm.
"Nice!" Ranma smiled at his friend.
"Did you notice the pineapple? Am I the only one curious about the pineapple?" Marshal
asked.
Ryoga shook his head and continued scratching his right arm. He pulled the sleeve back
up when he noticed something very strange. "Guys ... look at this," Ryoga held up his
exposed arm for the group to see. On the inside of it, were the words, 'My name is Ryoga,
if you find me, call 347-555-1901.'
"Call the number," Marshal whispered, entranced and excited.
Ryoga, dialed the number and waited. "Um, hello, who is this?"
"You called me, who are you?" came the annoyed voice from the other side of the phone.
"Um, this is Ryoga," Ryoga grimaced waiting for the answer.
"Oh Ryoga, this is Mousse, from the bar," the voice on the other end of the phone said.
Ryoga put the phone on speaker and asked Mousse what happened the night before,
"You came downstairs, and immediately announced that you were going to go throw up.
You went to the bathroom. About ten minutes later you came back, talking about wanting
to visit penguins. So I wrote my number on your arm, so that if you got in trouble I could
go pick you up. That's when you decided that you were going to call Akane. After that you
went outside and got into a cab."
"Thanks Mousse," Ryoga hung up the phone and looked at his friends, "It's Akane. Oh
Kami, what does this mean?" Ryoga stood up and started pacing, limping only once in a
while.
"I think you need to go in there and talk to her," Lily stated sagely.
"You're right," Ryoga walked into his bedroom, his friends excitedly waiting in the living
room. Ryoga approached the other side of the bed, when his phone rang. Quickly
answering it, he stood in shock, "Are you sure?" he asked to the phone before coming back
out of the room.
"What's going on?" Marshal asked confused.
Ryoga stared at them, "It's not Akane, she just called and she's on her way over."
Ranma looked confused, "If it's not Akane who is it?"
Suddenly, a tall beautiful brunette came out of Ryoga's room. She was only wearing an
over-sized tee shirt and house slippers, she said, "Hi, my name is Makoto, sorry about this,"
she smiled nervously. She then told them what happened the night before.
***
At the Nekohanten, Makoto sat with four of her friends. She took a sip of the wine in
front of her and made her announcement, "You know, I have half a mind to just hook up
with the next guy I see. After breaking up with my last boyfriend, I just want to get back
on the saddle." Her friends raised their glasses to toast her proclamation.
Slyly, a tall, well dressed Ranma with a pig-tail hairstyle, walked up to them. He was
kind of cute, until he said, "Daddy's home." The girls shuddered, and stared at him as if he
were a lunatic.
"Maybe the next guy after him," Makoto quickly whispered to her friends with a laugh.
Ranma grimaced but simply stated, "Fair enough," then as Ranma grabbed a pen out of
his pocket and started writing something down on one of the napkins, he looked at one of
Makoto's friends sitting across from her and said, "Your name is now Ami, and you just gave
me your phone number. I have to convince my friend about something."
As Ranma walked away, Ami looked at the others, slightly disturbed and asked, "How did
he know my name?"
Later on, Makoto laughed with her friends as Ryoga sang, and then fell off the table.
"He's kinda cute," she laughed. Her friends made fun of her that he was the third cute guy
already that night, and that anyone would make her say that.
As the night was coming to a close, and her girlfriends had to leave, Makoto went to the
restroom to wash her hands. Scaring her, the dark haired Ryoga came out of the bathroom
stall behind her. He stared at her and asked her, "What are you doing in the men's
bathroom? Wait, what am I doing in the women's bathroom?"
Makoto turned around and looked at him, "What are you doing in the women's
restroom," she emphasised her words.
"I came in here to throw up," he smiled.
"And did you?" she asked him.
"Nope," he walked up to her and started washing his hands boldly. Makoto laughed at
him. He smiled at her and said, "I haven't thrown up since 1993."
"Vomit free since ninety-three huh?" she laughed, as he seemed to like the rhyme.
"Vomit free since two-ot-five doesn't sound as good," he smiled at her, then as he dried
his hands asked her, "Hey, you know, I know we just met and all, but ... could I get your
phone number?"
"Sure," she smiled at him, and as he pulled out his phone, he seemed to be having
trouble finding the numbers. She took the phone from him and told him she'd put it in for
him, "My name is Makoto by the way," she smiled at him as she finished adding herself to
his contacts list.
Ryoga accepted his phone back and looked at the number she entered, he pressed to
dial, and said to her, "My name's Ryoga, and ... oh hey it works," he hung up quickly, "And
now you know my number."
She smiled at him, "Hey I have to go okay?" They said their goodbyes to each other.
It was only ten minutes later, after Makoto had gotten into a cab, when she received a
phone call from Ryoga. He convinced her to hook up that night. She had the cab turn
around, and pick up Ryoga.
***
Makoto had to just gotten to the point where Ryoga joined her in the cab, when there
was a knocking on the door. Ryoga suddenly remembered the Akane was on her way.
"Quick, hide in my room," Ryoga started trying to move Makoto.
"What? Why? Is that your girlfriend?" Makoto started getting pissed off.
"No, it's complicated," Ryoga tried to explain.
"So she's your wife?" Makoto was now angry and hurt, that she always picked the wrong
guy.
"No," Ryoga's voice softened, "I'll explain it to you in a bit, but I need to talk to her first,
before she sees you."
Makoto, went into his room, and Ryoga rushed to answer the door. Akane walked in, and
was surprised to find all their friends over so early in the morning. "Listen, Ryoga, we need
to talk about those phone calls last night."
Lily and Marshal dragged Ranma to the kitchen, saying they suddenly had to check on
the stove. Akane was glad that they were giving her and Ryoga space to talk. She looked
back at Ryoga, but before she could say anything, Ryoga said, "Look, I'm sorry about those
calls last night."
Akane was annoyed, "Ryoga, you have to move on, if you don't we won't be able to stay
friends."
"I have moved on, I met someone last night," Ryoga explained.
"Really? Because you kept leaving messages like this," Akane pulled out her phone and
played one of the messages Ryoga had left on her phone the night before. She turned on
the speakerphone, and Ryoga's voice came through.
"Hey Akane, answer the phone! If you don't pick up I'm going to keep making this
noise. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" Akane turned off the message, and grimaced at Ryoga.
"That goes on for another three minutes," Akane clarified.
"Three minutes without catching my breath? That's has to be a world record," Ryoga
laughed.
"Seriously, Ryoga, what are you going to do about this," Akane said, trying to break
through his jokes.
"Akane, I really have moved on, last night, I shut down my brain, that's why you got
those calls, but I really have moved on. I'll show you," Ryoga led her to his room, and
opened the door. "Makoto, come out, it's okay now."
Akane looked around, "So you're going to show me your imaginary girlfriend?"
"No, she was here," Ryoga noticed the window was open, "She must have gone down the
fire escape."
***
"And that was that. Akane and I remained friends, and Makoto didn't return my phone
calls. Sometimes you get drunk, and all that you get out of it is a headache, and a bad
taste in your mouth. Either way, it's never a solution," Ryoga concluded.
"Dad, can we finish this later, I have homework," Ryoga's son interrupted before his
father could start up again.
"Sure, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow," Ryoga hugged his kids goodnight, as they fled to
do homework, or go meet up with friends.