Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Something's In the Oven ❯ Something's in the Oven ( One-Shot )

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A Ranma fanfic

By Brian

Ranma and Company were created by Rumiko Takahashi.

Note: Thoughts and dream sequences are in italics.

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Something's in the Oven

"Ranma! Mr. Saotome! Breakfast is ready!" Kasumi called upstairs, cheerfully.

It was a peaceful and unusually quiet Saturday morning at the Tendo residence. Since Genma and Soun had been out all night celebrating, Genma wasn't in a good state for the morning's practice. They had gotten roaring drunk when they learned that Happosai would away indefinitely due to the opening of a new topless beach.

Thus it was that Ranma experienced a rare treat: he was allowed to sleep in (however, Genma and Soun had been very loud, making it hard to get any rest). Of course, Kasumi's breakfast call woke him immediately. He shambled around the room, getting dressed, still half asleep. After navigating the stairs without falling, he made his way to the table, where Kasumi and… breakfast awaited him.

The sight of breakfast, for lack of a better word, made his stomach churn. It could only be described as burnt. And squishy. "Ugh! Did you let Akane cook today?" Ranma asked Kasumi.

Kasumi smiled patiently and said, "She was up before me, and insisted on preparing breakfast today."

Ranma forcibly held back a gag. "Where's Nabiki? If I have to endure this, there's no way she's gonna get out of it."

"Oh! She left early this morning to visit a friend." She answered.

"She has friends?!"

"Oh, yes. It appears that her best friend was abducted by aliens two nights ago, and has just escaped today. She said she had to see if she was all right."

"Yeah, I'll bet…" Ranma muttered. "And where is that uncute tomboy, anyway?"

A mallet was suddenly and forcibly embedded in Ranma's head. "Right here, you jerk!" Akane yelled. "And after I go to the trouble of making this breakfast for you!"

Ranma began rubbing his head, "For me? You shouldn't have. Really…"

"Are you going to eat it or not?" Akane hefted her mallet menacingly.

"You mean I have a choice?" Ranma was incredulous, and thus made the mistake of letting his mouth run. "Good. I'm not eating any of this slop. Maybe Ucchan's is open this early…"

"RANMA YOU JERK!" Akane cried as she sent Ranma through the roof and over the horizon with a well-placed swing of her mallet.

Kasumi stood up and said, "Oh, well. I guess we'll have to save the rest for Father and Mr. Saotome."

Akane held the mallet as she spoke, "And they had better enjoy it!"

* * *

Ranma flew through the air, bracing for impact with his arms crossed over his face. Wind buffeted him as he fell. He managed to turn so he'd land on his feet, but he knew it would still hurt. He plunged through the branches of a tree, and landed feet-first on something that felt soft through his shoes. He opened his eyes and looked down to see…

A dazed man in a yellow and black outfit, with an umbrella and a huge backpack at his side.

"Thanks, Ryouga! See `ya!" Ranma stepped off his rival's chest and hurried off to Ucchan's.

"Ranma! Come back and fight like a man!" Ryouga stood and launched several bandannas in Ranma's direction, but he dodged around a corner. Ryouga charged after him, and somehow found himself in Hokkaido.

* * *

Ranma arrived at the Tendo home (after detouring to Ucchan's for breakfast), to hear Soun and Genma moaning in the guest room. He checked in on them and noticed they were clutching their stomachs in pain. "Geez… I knew she was a bad cook, but…"

"Oh, I'm sure Mr. Saotome and father are merely overacting. They didn't eat much. There's almost a full bowl left in the refrigerator." Kasumi said as she walked past with a load of laundry.

Ranma shuddered at the thought of leftovers, but then an interesting idea popped into his head. On his way to the kitchen, he ran into Akane.

"There you are, Ranma! Eat this." She slammed a tray of food down on the dining room table.

Although he was sure it was his imagination, he thought he saw the rice moving. "Eat that? I don't think it'll stay on the plate long enough!"

"What did you say? Would you care to repeat that?" Akane was glowering.

"Have you even tasted it yet?" Ranma was frantic now.

"Well… No, not yet."

"Then have some!" Ranma grabbed a bowl and thrust it at Akane.

Upon a closer look at the meal, Akane began to look a bit doubtful. "I… uh… Fine." She took a bite of the meal she had made, and turned green. She spat the food out, and gagged a few times.

Ranma stood there looking smug. "Told `ya so."

"Bleah! I don't understand. I was sure the recipe said six cups of vinegar and one cup of salt… I only had sugar, but it looks the same!" She continued muttering as she made her way back to the kitchen.

Ranma breathed a sigh of relief as he continued into the kitchen. "Aw, man, am I lucky."

* * *

Meanwhile, Ukyou Kuonji was making plans for later.

"Let's see… Since Akane cooked breakfast, then it's a fair bet that she'll be making dinner." Ukyou smiled as her imagination wandered.

"Here you go, Ranchan!" Ukyou fed her betrothed another heart-shaped okinomiyaki.

"Thank you, Ucchan, my dear. Your cooking is so delicious. I love you with all my heart…"

She felt a tap on her forehead, and her daydream dissipated. She looked up to see Tsubasa sitting at the bar, disguised as a stool. "Are you okay, my dear? I said, I love youuUUUUUUU!" Tsubasa said, as he went flying through the double doors courtesy of Spatula-Air.

"Geez. You'd think that jackass would learn!" She whipped two okinomiyaki's off the griddle, onto a plate, and sent it flying to the customer who ordered them.

"Anyway," she thought with a smile, "I'll just close down early and bring him dinner. Then maybe we could…"

* * *

"Great-grandmother! Shampoo go on delivery now. Is okay, yes?" Shampoo hopped on her bike and sped off. As she pedaled down the road, she realized that the address was just a few houses down from the Tendo dojo. "Oh, maybe can visit Ranma! Great-grandmother no mind."

She dropped the food off first and soon arrived at the dojo. As she approached the gate, she heard the sounds of a pitched battle. Curious, she jumped up onto the wall, and looked down into the yard.

An odd scene assaulted her eyes. Akane, who was wielding a bowl and a large spoon, was chasing Ranma. She kept flinging some sort of pasty white goo from inside the bowl at Ranma, who kept dodging. Ranma also had a bowl, which he used to catch the projectiles. The few that he missed landed on the lawn and made a sizzling noise that caused the grass to smoke. "Aiyah… What Akane doing?" She whispered to herself.

"Why won't you even taste it? You jerk!" She flung an extra large gob directly for his mouth.

"Do you want me to die that badly?" Ranma yelled back as he caught the slop.

"What was that? Are you trying to say I can't cook!"

"That's exactly what I'm trying to say!" Ranma flipped over her head to land nearer to the dojo.

"Take this!" Akane threw the spoon at Ranma.

It was at this moment that Shampoo decided to intervene. She leapt down to the side of the house, and sprayed them both with a hose. Her aim was so good, she managed to ruin the meal without getting Ranma wet. She rushed over to check on him. Seeing no apparent injury from the acidic entrée, she gave Akane an evil look. "Bad Akane! You try kill Shampoo husband again?"

"Why you… DIE!" Akane flung the bowl, which had caught some of the water from the hose in it, at Shampoo.

Shampoo kicked the bowl up into the air. "Ha! You no match for Sham-" The rest was lost in a meow as the water turned her into a cat. She moved towards Ranma, who had been changed into a girl by the water as well, purring and rubbing against her leg, hoping she would get her some hot water.

"C-c-c-c-c-c-cat!" Ranma took off running.

Shampoo chased Ranma around the yard for a few moments, until he leapt the fence with her close behind. This left Akane standing there, alone, wet, and fuming. "Aaaggghhh! He'll eat my cooking if it's the last thing I do!"

* * *

Soun and Genma were feeling better and cheating at Shoji. They were trying very hard to ignore the clattering and banging coming from the kitchen, but it did no good.

Nabiki had just returned home from the movies (for which she made Kuno pay). She heard the noise from the kitchen, and a feeling of dread filled the pit of her stomach. She snuck upstairs, already concocting a plan to get her out of dinner with the family.

She was about to enter her room when Ranma accosted her in the hallway near her room. "So, Nabiki… Enjoy breakfast this morning? Oh, wait, I forgot. You didn't have any! But don't worry. I saved you some…" Ranma smiled evilly and passed by her on the way downstairs.

Nabiki gave Ranma an odd look, shook her head, and entered her room. Sitting on her bed was a bowl of some sort of viscous lump-filled liquid. There was a large spoon in the bowl, and a note was taped to the side. She pulled off the note, taking special care not to touch the bowl. The note simply read: "Enjoy!"

Nabiki paled at the thought of eating anything in the near future. She tossed the note into a can by her bed. That was when she heard a low growling noise.

Slowly, she turned towards her bed. What she saw made her scream in fear. The food was churning and bubbling and a tendril of the glop reached towards her. She took a deep breath, grabbed the bowl, and tossed it out the window.

* * *

Happosai was fuming. He had traveled all the way to the topless beach, only to find that the beach had been closed due to the appearance of sharks in the water. As he was walking around the side of the house, he looked up to the sky and yelled, "Why me? Why can't I-Huh? What's that?" Brackish ooze, dumped from an upstairs window, landed in his open mouth and spread all over his face. He swallowed reflexively, and quickly regretted it. He fell over shaking as his face took on a green tinge. Through the haze of pain and sickness, he saw a pair of shadows fall over him.

"Eh, Saotome… It looks as though the master is feeling a bit out of sorts." Soun began stomping on the fallen martial artist.

"You're right, Tendo. Maybe we should help take care of him?" Genma joined in the stomping. He ended by kicking Happosai into the stratosphere.

"That was very inconsiderate of you, Saotome." Tendo gave his long time friend a dirty look. "I wasn't quite done, yet."

"Hey, forget about it. Let's get back to our game. I believe I was about to win?" Genma turned around and looked at the board. "Wait a minute! That piece wasn't there a minute ago!"

Soun was smiling. "Now, now, Saotome, what was that you just said? `Hey, forget about it. Let's get back to our game.' "

* * *

Dinner at the Tendo household on this day was going to prove lethal… Unless Ranma could find some way to stop it. And, to that end, he was pacing in his room, trying to think of an idea.

"Maybe Kasumi could talk her out of it… No. Or I could turn the gas off… Nah…" Ranma grabbed two handfuls of hair in anxiety. "There must be some way out of this!"

Frustrated, Ranma laid down on his futon and thought.

Suddenly an idea formed in his head. "Ahah!" He leapt to his feet and ran to the phone.

* * *

Ring! Ring!

Cologne answered the phone. "Cat Café, can I help you? Ah, Son-in-law! What is it?" With a surprised look on her face, she handed the receiver to Mousse. "It's for you."

* * *

Ring! Ring!

"Master Kuno, Ranma Saotome wishes to speak to you." Sasuke informed the young swordsman.

"And this concerns me how?" Kuno raised an eyebrow.

"He said he has word of the pigtailed girl…"

"Why didn't you say so sooner?" Kuno stood quickly and answered the phone.

* * *

The noise in the kitchen had reached an all-time high. Kasumi was standing just outside the door, with a slight frown on her face.

Ranma slowly approached the doorway. This is going to be the hardest part…

As he was about to enter, Kasumi touched his arm, "Be careful…"

This really worried Ranma. He clenched his teeth and stepped inside.

"Hi-yaaa!" Akane was busy chopping a poor defenseless carrot into tiny pieces. The uneven pieces were poured into a large pot on the stove. The water was bubbling, so it was hard to see what had already been brutally subjected to a slow boil.

"Um… Akane?" Ranma had his hands behind his back, fingers crossed.

"What do you want, Ranma? In case you can't see, I'm busy!" She angrily stirred the pot.

"Well… you see… I…" He stumbled over his words.

"Spit it out!" She spun around quickly, gesturing with the knife.

"Er… I invited some, uh… friends over for dinner… and I'd really like it if you'd cook for us…" He trailed off, having a hard time keeping his face from showing the illness he felt.

Akane was startled for a moment. When she answered, she had stars in her eyes. "R… Really? You really want me to cook for you and your friends?"

"Well…" He gulped. "Yes."

Akane was elated. "I'll do my best! Trust me… You'll love it!" She started pushing him out of the kitchen. "Now get out while I finish. I need to work hard to make this extra special."

As Ranma wandered outside, he heard the noise in the kitchen redouble. He winced.

Kasumi gave him an odd look as he retreated to his room.

* * *

Two men wearing the white outfits of the EMS loaded a frail old man into a stretcher. His face was battered, a mass of purpling bruises. His limbs were bent into odd positions, with several joints out of place. He was moaning in pain, hands clutched to his stomach, and there was some sort of gel like substance around his mouth.

"What kind of animals would do this?" The first asked, as they took off for the nearest hospital.

"I don't know. Probably some delinquent teenagers." The driver responded.

"What is this world coming to when kids do something this horrible to a defenseless old man?"

* * *

Nabiki was in her room reading a magazine, when there was a knock at her door. "Come in!" She called out in a singsong voice.

Kasumi had a worried look on her face as she entered and sat on the bed.

"Something wrong, sis'?" Nabiki questioned as she turned a page.

"Well, I'm not quite sure. A little while ago, Ranma asked Akane to make dinner for him and his friends. I think maybe…"

This caused Nabiki to pause. She looked up from her magazine. "Wait a minute… He asked her to make dinner?!"

"Yes. He hasn't been acting strange again, has he?"

"Well, that depends on how you define strange."

"Well, I'm just hoping he hasn't been hit on the head again." Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Oh, well. I better get back to the laundry." Her normal vacuous smile was back in place.

"Okay. I'll let you know if I notice anything's wrong." After she finished reading, Nabiki set the magazine aside and rolled over. Hmmm. Seems like Ranma's planning something. I could use this to get back at him for saving the-ugh!-leftovers. Who knows? I might even be able to make a profit!

There was a wide smile on her face as she left the room.

* * *

Just outside the Tendo training hall…

"C'mon Ryouga! Could you listen to me just once?" Ranma dodged a swift kick.

"Shut up, Ranma! I've had it with you!" Ryouga thrust his umbrella at his opponent. Ranma dodged under the umbrella and punched him in the midsection. "It'll take more than that to stop me!" Ryouga said as he threw a barrage of punches.

"If you'd just hear me out, we could stop this stupid fighting!" Ranma kicked his leg out from under him.

"Yeah, right!" Ryouga flipped to his feet. With a flick of his wrist, his umbrella opened, and he threw it at Ranma. "The second I let my guard down, you'll take advantage of me!"

"Fine! I can talk and fight at the same time. I'm inviting a few friends over for dinner, and I want you to come." Ranma spoke as he leapt over the umbrella. He threw a punch in return, but stopped just before hitting. "Yo, Ryouga? You okay?"

Ryouga had stopped in shock. "Friends?" He mumbled under his breath.

"Yoo-hoo!" Ranma poked his rival in the forehead. "Anyone home?"

He called me his friend… Can it be my anger was misplaced all these years? When I think of all the times he's helped me… How could I have been so blind! As Ryouga's introspective thought ended, he noticed Ranma was doodling on his forehead with a marker. Punctuating his words with a fierce uppercut, he shouted, "I'll be there!"

Ryouga picked up his pack and promptly got lost.

* * *

After landing on the other side of the house, Ranma got up and hurried inside to await the fruition of his plan. He was in the room he shared with his father, pacing. "Man… I hope this works. As long as they all make it on time, I should be able to get some peace and quiet while they rest up in the hospital…"

Once again, Nabiki thanked the powers that be that the inner walls of the house were thin.

Ranma stop pacing, and sat down at a small table with a set of dinnerware. "Now to brush up on some old skills…"

* * *

"TEN THOUSAND YEN?!" Ukyou shouted into the phone.

"That's right. Do you or do you not want to know?" Nabiki waited nearly a minute before she heard the answering sigh.

"All right. It's a deal." Ukyou sounded defeated.

"Ranma asked Akane to cook dinner for him tonight."

Although Ranma had a superhuman constitution, Akane's cooking was beyond bad. After thinking for a moment, Ukyou asked, "What am I supposed to do about it?"

"Well… I have an idea, and I'll tell you free of charge." Dead silence answered her on the other end. "Let's just say I owe Ranma." Nabiki smiled evilly.

"Okay…" Ukyou was still wary of Nabiki's true motives, but kept this to herself. "What do you want me to do?"

After a few minutes of outlining her plan, Nabiki hung up. "Well… One down, two to go…" She chuckled to herself as she dialed a different number. This is going to be fun…

* * *

Kuno knelt in his personal shrine to Akane and the pig-tailed girl. "Ah, pig-tailed girl… Finally you shall be free of Ranma Saotome's evil designs. But, what of Akane Tendo? She still remains in his clutches." Kuno bowed his head in thought.

"Master Kuno!" The retainer of the Kuno household slid the door open.

"Not now, Sasuke! I'm meditating."

"Master… Mistress Kodachi is in the kitchen again!" Sasuke sounded terrified.

"Didn't I tell you to change the locks after the last incident?" Kuno glared at the household ninja.

"Yes sir, but she made me give her the keys!" Sasuke prostrated himself.

"And you still haven't replaced all the anti-toxins I used last time."

"Please forgive me, Master Kuno!" Sasuke trembled as he thought of what horrible punishment he might receive.

"Well, it seems as though fate smiles upon me, for I have been invited to dinner with the pig-tailed girl." Kuno's eyes glazed over. "And, after impressing her with my charm, I shall defeat Saotome and take her as my wife! Ah hahhahahhahahahahha!"

After a few moments of Kuno's mad laughter, Sasuke peeked up from his position on the floor. "Uh… Master Kuno?"

"Leave me be. As punishment for giving her the keys, you can have my portion of dinner." Kuno rushed off to his room to prepare for what he expected to be an exclusive date.

Sasuke's stomach rumbled at the though of real food, but in his mind he knew what happened to those who ate Kodachi's cooking. "Ahhhh! What am I to do?"

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the Tendo kitchen…

"A quarter cup of salt and one teaspoon of wasabi…" Akane, not looking up from the cookbook, didn't notice her error when she added a quarter cup of wasabi and one teaspoon of salt. She grabbed another container, olive oil, and poured a quarter cup in. "Hmmm… The recipe doesn't call for it, but it is good for you." She continued working, with occasional substitutions in an attempt to improve the flavor. She truly didn't understand why the cookbook instructed her to use flavorless or bland ingredients.

"Akane?" Nabiki leaned a bit into the doorway, taking care to breathe through her mouth.

While pouring soy sauce into the pot, Akane turned to Nabiki, "What? I'm kinda busy!"

"Oh, I was just wondering when you were going to set up the table in the dojo?"

"Huh?" She looked back and noticed she had poured too much. After a quick scan of seasonings, she added a cup of sugar, hoping it would counter the saltiness of the soy sauce. "Anyway, why the dojo?"

An amused smile appeared on her face. "Well, you don't expect Ranma, Mousse, Ryouga, and Kuno to eat dinner without a fight breaking out, do you?"

"They are the friends he invited over?!" Akane broke the spoon in her hands. "So THAT'S why he wanted me to cook for him!"

Uh oh… I better calm her down before she ruins my plan… Nabiki feigned surprise. "Oh, he didn't tell you? He wants to make peace with his rivals. Since it's so important to him, he wanted you to cook for him."

Akane's anger deflated rapidly. She felt a tear about to fall, and spun around to stir the pot. "Give me about ten minutes, then I can let this cook."

"Well, I'll send Ranma to help you. I've got a few errands to run." As Nabiki left the doorway she took a deep breath of fresh air. I can't believe she bought that…

Akane went back to her cooking with a smile on her face.

* * *

Happosai woke up with a terrible pain in his stomach, not to mention a duller pain throughout the rest of his body. His vision was blurry, but he could at least make out that he was lying in a hospital bed. Shifting around a bit, he realized he had several wires and an IV attached to him. He heard the door open, and saw a humanoid form approaching him.

"Oh, you're awake!" The nubile young nurse exclaimed. She leaned over him to check on his IV.

"Pretty lady!" The old lech cackled as he latched on to the unfortunate nurse's chest.

"Ahhhh! Pervert!" She hit him on the head with a chamber pot and ran out of the room.

"Heh heh heh… Feel like new again. Now to get back to the dojo to punish a couple of errant students." He looked towards the door, and saw another gorgeous nurse walk by. "But that can wait, I have more important business to attend to."

Not even ten seconds had passed before the hospital erupted in screams.

* * *

"Are you ready, Akane? This is going to be a tight squeeze."

"Don't worry, Ranma, I can handle it."

"Okay, here we go." Ranma grunted as his muscles tensed up.

"Be gentle…"

"Yeah… That's it… Keep going."

"Slow down… I can't keep up with your pace…" Akane paused to wipe sweat from her brow.

"Do you want to stop to catch your breath?"

"Not when we're this close. Just keep your end up. And hurry! I can't take much more of this."

"This isn't something I can hurry!"

They were both sweating now. Neither of them noticed Nabiki was spying on them. Or that she had a tape recorder out.

"You're pushing too hard!" Akane complained. She shoved back a bit, and Ranma stopped. "Idiot, don't stop now! We're almost there!"

Ah, young love… Nabiki chuckled to herself as she watched the two struggling to get a huge antique table through the doorway.

"If you'd just turn more, it'd fit!" Akane set her side of the table down. "Look, I've left the soup boiling. If we don't hurry, it might burn!"

All the better… Ranma thought. "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be all right."

Nabiki turned off the recorder, and hurried back to the house. That should keep them busy for a while. And that tape should prove quite amusing…

* * *

"Where the hell am I?" Ryouga looked around. He was in the middle of a wide divided road. It must have been eight lanes wide. The sidewalks were literally crawling with people. There were sculptures and a large archway with a fire underneath on the next median. Far past that he could see a huge metal tower. "Hmmm… If I get to the top of that, maybe I can find out where I am…"

He was about to leave, when he saw a man sitting on a bench, feeding the pigeons.

"Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the Tendo dojo?" He asked, pointing at his map.

"Pardonnez-moi. Je ne comprends pas. Parlez-vous français?" Jean-Paul scratched his head through his beret. The tourists get stranger all the time…

"Uh… Sorry, I don't speak German." He turned back toward the large tower, and started running. Damn it! I'm going to be late!

* * *

There was a knock at the door. "I'll get it!" Nabiki called out.

"Shampoo bring ramen. Pork flavor, yes?" Shampoo entered through the door for once. "Why you help Ranma?"

"Let's just say… I owe him one." Nabiki replied, leading her to the kitchen.

"You say that on phone, but still not answer." She set her pot (which looked almost exactly like the one on the stove) on the counter top.

"What? Can't I help my future brother-in-law?" Nabiki grabbed a pair of potholders and moved the bubbling pot to the sink.

"No."

"Have it your way." She handed the potholders to Shampoo and said, "I don't care what you do with it, but get rid of the soup. There's a nice place to hide in the dojo, and I'll only charge half price for the information." Shampoo shelled out a thousand yen, and took the pot out through the back door.

At that time, there was another knock at the door. "Well, who could that be?" Nabiki smirked as she answered it.

* * *

"Tendo, are you sure this'll work?" Genma whispered as he crept through the hallway.

"Of course, Saotome. No one will look for us in the master's bedroom." Soun replied, as he slowly slid the door open. "As long as we keep the door closed and the lights off, we should be safe."

The two martial artists slipped into the already darkened room and closed the door.

"Ha ha… We're home free." Genma breathed a sigh of relief in the pitch-black room.

"Yes. We'll just wait here until dinner's over." Soun leaned against the wall next to the door.

"Sounds like a solid plan to me, boys." A pair of red-glowing eyes appeared in front of them in the darkness.

"Thank you, master," Soun replied.

"Master!" Genma shouted.

The lights flipped on. Happosai was standing on top of the heaping pile of his perverted collection. "So, you thought you were rid of me, eh?"

Soun and Genma immediately threw themselves to the floor. "Please forgive us!"

"Oh no, it's too late for that." Happosai cracked his knuckles as he stalked forward. "Much too late for that…"

* * *

"Hey, Kuno-baby. Here to see Ranma?" Nabiki quipped as she opened the door for the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes.

"And why would I wish to see that cur?" He very nearly threw down the roses he carried at the mention of his nemesis's name. "I am here to dine and date with the pig-tailed girl."

A wide smile grew on her face. "Are you sure `the pig-tailed girl' is okay with that?"

"Of course she is! What woman would pass up the privilege to date with me?"

"You mean besides the whole student body of Furinkan?"

"It is for precisely that reason that I avoid verbal discourse with you, Nabiki Tendo." Kuno ran his hand through his hair. "Besides, I have Saotome's own word that she will be here."

"Oh, well. He's in the dojo. I trust you remember the way?" Nabiki stepped aside to let him in.

"No doubt he is practicing his black arts…" Kuno mumbled as he wound his way to the dojo.

"I don't think I'll ever understand how his mind works…" She shook her head and closed the door. "But, as long as he's rich I don't need too." As she turned to leave, there was another knock, but not on the door. She opened it anyway, and saw Mousse talking to a plant five feet from the door. "Over here, Mousse."

He put his glasses on, and blinked a few times. "Oh, sorry."

Nabiki shook her head and directed him to the dojo. After a quick stop in the kitchen, she went up to her room, carrying a bowl of popcorn. Sitting on her bed was a small hand-held television. A cable led from the television, out the window, over the roof, and into the dojo…

* * *

…And connected to a hidden camera in a closet.

Upon entering the dojo, Kuno set the roses down and drew his bokken. "They say, if you love someone, set them free. Therefore I have come to seek the release of Akane Tendo and the pig-tailed girl."

"What the hell are you talking about? Set who free?" Ranma backed away from the table to give him room to maneuver.

"If you refuse, I will be compelled to violence, even on this most glorious of days!" Kuno swept his bokken to his side.

"Glorious day? What's he talkin' about?" Ranma muttered to himself.

"On this day, my goddess in pigtails called out from the heavens for me to join her in feast." Kuno fell to one knee and pointed his bokken at Ranma. "But you, foul sorcerer that you are, cannot allow her even this one freedom."

"Kuno, I don't know where you got the idea, but I ain't holdin' anyone prisoner!" Ranma kicked the bokken out of Kuno's hand. "This dinner was going to be a peace offering to all of my-"

"Peace offering?" According to Kuno's view of the world, he knew what was supposed to happen. The noble samurai challenges the evil sorcerer. They fight. The samurai, having nothing but the noblest ideals in mind, wins and frees the maiden. Or maidens, in this particular case. The idea of the samurai making peace with the sorcerer was quite alien and required pontification. "Leave me to think on this… `peace' you propose." He picked his bokken up and sat at the table.

Ranma fell over, pinkies, thumbs, and forefingers extended…

* * *

"Excuse, me, ma'am?" Ryouga stood in front of a familiar elderly woman. "Could you tell me where the Tendo dojo is?"

The woman, unnoticing, doused the sidewalk in front of her with cold water.

"Bweee!!"

* * *

"Ranma Saotome… Prepare to DIE!" Mousse yelled as he entered the dojo. A volley of chains flew from his voluminous sleeves.

Ranma, who had been pacing until this point, grabbed a nearby stool to block the weighted ends. As Mousse jerked them back in, Ranma grabbed the end of one, and used the momentum to lash out with a vicious kick at Mousse's head. Unexpecting of this new tactic, Mousse fell quickly, his glasses falling to the floor next to Kuno. Using his own bindings, Ranma tied Mousse up and sat him at the table.

* * *

Kasumi was outside sweeping the walk when she noticed Akane's pet pig, P-chan wandering around. "P-chan!" She knelt down and called to him.

Ryouga heard a familiar voice calling him. He turned around to see Kasumi reaching out for him. I can't believe my luck! Since Kasumi is here I must be close to the dojo! He squealed and ran to her, hoping she'd take him to Akane. And from there, he could get to the dojo…

Kasumi set the broom against the outer wall, and carried the little black pig into the house. As soon as she set him down, Ryouga took off for the bathroom. A splash of hot water and he was ready for the dinner… except…

With his hand behind his head and a goofy expression on his face, Ryouga said, "Uh, Kasumi…"

"Yes?"

"Could you take me to the dojo?"

* * *

As Akane began setting down tray after tray of steaming hot poison… er, food, Ranma began his speech. "I think it's about time we set all of our childish differences aside and grew up. Why do we fight all the time? It doesn't do any good. It doesn't change anything…" And so on. It was a really well written speech… copied from a book he had been forced to read at school. But, it did the job.

Ryouga moved next to Ranma and said, "That was beautiful, Ranma! I didn't know you felt this way. From now on, we are friends!" He clasped Ranma's hand in his, tears forming in his eyes.

Mousse stood up next to Ryouga. "Saotome, I've never had any real friends, but I will agree to this. That is, as long as you don't make any moves toward Shampoo."

"I have thought about it, and what you say rings true. I have decided on peace. But, if you think I will agree without the release of Akane Tendo and the pig-tailed girl then-"

"All right, all right! Whatever you want! Now let's eat." He shook their hands, and motioned for them to sit back down. Yeesh! I can't believe these idiots are reacting like this…

Akane reentered the dojo at that point, and set down the last tray. "Enjoy it boys, I made it all myself." She smiled and backed up a bit, standing with pride.

Although Ryouga had experienced it, and Mousse had only heard stories of Akane's cooking, they both paled at the news. "A-A-Akane cooked this?" They questioned in unison. A nod from Ranma was their only response.

Meanwhile, Kuno sat at his place, crying over his fortuitous luck. "How fortunate that I can now enjoy a home-cooked meal made by Akane Tendo." He grabbed a set of chopsticks and began eating. Ryouga, although less enthused than Kuno, started as well, trying to mask his overwhelming fear of food poisoning. And finally, seeing that Kuno and Ryouga hadn't yet died, Mousse tried a small bite, and found his mouth full of food. In fact, food was disappearing from the table at an alarming rate as Ranma dug in. He didn't seem to have any trouble wolfing down the enormous amount of food on his plate

As Mousse took another small test bite, his mouth was again stuffed to overflowing. He assumed it must be his glasses. Perhaps he wasn't seeing correctly how much food he was picking up…

Ryouga had stomached Akane's cooking many times before. This was the first time he hadn't had to stifle a gag. The food was good, and he was eating a surprising amount of it. Ranma… I forgive you for Jusenkyo… Tears flowed down his face as he felt all his anger and depression leave him.

Kuno was also crying, but it was not for a rivalry set aside. If only the pig-tailed girl were here, I would be in heaven! He lost himself in thought so bad, that he forgot to keep putting food in his mouth. That was okay, though, since every time he opened it to shout his love to the heavens, more food was obligingly shoved in. Although, he had an odd feeling about that…

Ranma watched as his enemies slurped, gulped, and gorged on the meal Akane had made. I only hope she won't feel bad when her cooking puts them all in the hospital… He laughed inwardly.

But, the strange thing was, no one got sick. No one gagged, and no one's face turned green. Everyone was fine. And at the end, three of the people at the table felt very full, and one was very confused.

Ranma sat back with a puzzled look on his face, as his new "friends" complimented Akane on her cooking. He knew something had to have gone wrong…

* * *

If only Ranma had left well enough alone, he would have seen an end to many of his problems that night. Just an ordinary life, in which he would've eventually gotten married to Akane and taken over the dojo. One can just see the students lined up, learning the secrets of martial arts from a master…

Kuno finally settling down and marrying Nabiki…

Shampoo finally admitting her love for Mousse…

Ryouga and Ukyou, traveling the world with a brand new yattai…

And Soun and Genma crying over a game of Shoji in the den.

But, as we all know, Ranma's mouth works faster than his brain…

* * *

"Wait a minute! You should all be dead by now! You just ate Akane's cooking!" He blurted from his seat on the floor.

"What was that, RANMA?!" Akane pulled out her mallet menacingly. A blue aura formed around her. "I thought you wanted to end your troubles!"

"Well, I did… If they'd all gotten sick, like they should've, I'd be carefree for a couple weeks while they recovered!" He turned towards Akane, backed away, and fell over the table.

"Is that why you wanted me to cook for you?! I can't believe you! And I thought you were trying to be nice!" Akane stepped forward, but was blocked as the three dinner guests rushed past.

Ryouga, Kuno, and Mousse stood around him on the floor, eyes ablaze and knuckles cracking. All three had fierce battle auras surrounding them. Things were not looking good.

"And to think, I called you `friend'," Ryouga pounded his fist into his palm, "and this is how you repay me!"

"I knew I couldn't trust a fake like you, Saotome. You have offended my honor, and I am going to repay you!" Mousse brandished several long blades from his sleeves.

"Ranma Saotome! How dare you try to poison me with your black arts! Today, I thought I could have a meal unseasoned by hemlock! For this you shall pay!" Kuno raised his wooden sword.

"Oh-hohohohohohohohohoho! Brother dear, you should watch what you say, sometimes even the walls have ears…" Kodachi laughed as she slid out of a cabinet by the wall. A cabinet so small, that only someone with her gymnastic background could ever manage to squeeze into. She pulled out her ribbon, and whipped it around, sending black rose petals fling all over the dojo. She pulled it back in, and whipped it at her brother.

As he rolled away from Ranma, Kuno pulled his bokken out and stood to face Kodachi. "Well, if it isn't my twisted sister." They began fighting in the corner, with Kuno trying to get back to Ranma, and Kodachi trying to stop him.

As he and Mousse were about to attack, Ryouga stopped for a second. "Wait… How did you expect to survive if you ate too?"

"Simple. You remember the eating contest I was in with Picolet a while back? The one where you couldn't be seen putting food in your mouth? I used the Parlez Du Fois Gras that I learned for the contest. I just stuffed all of my food into your mouths!" Using the distraction to his advantage, he rolled away from them and got back to his feet.

"Come back here!" The two disgruntled martial artists charged after him, only to be stopped short by the appearance of Ukyou and Shampoo.

"Mousse, unless you defeat Shampoo, you no get past!" Shampoo stood in a ready position, waiting for Mousse to make a move.

"Same goes for you, sugar." She gave Ryouga a little smile as she brandished her mega combat spatula. "We didn't go through the trouble of cooking this meal to let you guys beat him up."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Akane was now completely enveloped in a pocket of blue flames, her battle aura. "DIE!!!" She launched into battle, throwing a myriad of punches and kicks. Ukyou and Shampoo, caught by surprise, flew back against the wall at her furious assault.

Ryouga stood still for a moment, shocked. I can't believe she just defeated Ukyou and Shampoo so easily! He quickly shook off his amazement, and looked for Ranma. "Damn it! Where did he go?"

That got everyone's attention. Ranma had somehow slipped out during all the confusion.

Ukyou stood back up and glared at the still glowing Akane. "If you think this is over, you got another thing comin'."

Shampoo pushed herself up using the wall for support. "Shampoo no is defeated yet."

The two girls got ready to attack Akane…

Kuno, Ryouga, and Mousse, glanced at each other, and charged out of the dojo as one. Kodachi quickly chased after her brother, laughing all the way. Ukyou and Shampoo saw everyone rushing out, and decided their squabble could wait. "Get back here!"

Akane just stood there, blue aura blazing. She hefted the mallet over her head, and broke the table. "Who's going to clean up this mess?!" She threw the mallet to the ground, and followed everyone else out the door.

When the dust, rose petals, and wood chips settled, Ranma finally peeked out of the closet door. "Phew! They're finally gone. He closed the door, leaned on it, and wiped the sweat off his brow.

"Ahem…" Someone cleared their throat as they entered the dojo.

"Oh, it's only you, Nabiki…" As Ranma was about to leave, he saw a smirk on her face. "Hey, what's so funny?"

"How was the food? I made sure Kodachi didn't poison it." She waited a moment as her words sunk in, grinned evilly.

"Y-you did that!" Ranma's temper burst. "WHY?!"

"Don't tell me you don't know. Remember the leftovers you so kindly brought me?" Her eyes hardened. "I could've died from that!"

"Oh, yeah, like I bought your lame excuse to get out of breakfast!"

"Excuse me, I don't have to answer to you. Not that you'd believe me, anyway." Ranma started to leave again, when Nabiki tugged on his sleeve. "Oh, and one more thing. Give me five thousand yen. It's in your best interest."

"What? First you ruin my plans, and then you want me to pay you for it? Forget that!" He stuck his tongue out at her as he walked out into the yard.

"Ranma." He looked back over his shoulder. "A bit of advice… Don't mess with the master." Nabiki's smile widened as she pulled out a bullhorn and shouted into it, "Hey, everyone! He's back here!"

Eyes wide, Ranma looked for an avenue of escape. A moment later, Ryouga, Kuno, Kodachi, Mousse, Shampoo, Ukyou, and Akane landed in the yard with him. They all seemed to have a bone to pick. He ran for the nearest wall, and leapt to a nearby rooftop, closely followed by a murderous mob.

Back in the dojo, Kasumi hummed to herself as she began cleaning up. "They're so energetic!"

* * *

Nabiki left the kitchen with a large bowl of popcorn. Upon reaching the living room, she opened the windows. She watched the rooftop chase until they were no longer in sight. With a shrug, she turned on the TV.

The news announcer had an odd look on his face as he read the next bit of information, "And in other news, a local girl from Furinkan high school escaped from alien captivity today…"

Loud, hysterical laughter echoed throughout the house…

THE END