Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ The Man ❯ One-Shot

When she came to, the first thing Ukyo saw was Shampoo, Ryoga, and Kuno coming to, and a man dressed in an all white zoot suit with a matching hat sitting at what looked like a bar table eating some ham and having some wine.

"Wha… Where?" Ukyo asked.

"About time you guys woke up." The man said. "Do you have any idea how boring it is to eat alone? You got nobody but yourself to talk to, and frankly, I'm too damn annoying to put up with me right now." Shampoo then spoke up.

"What you talking about?" She asked. "Where Shampoo? Where we?"

"Lady, you can speak Chinese here." The man said. "Everybody can understand you and it's a long ride to where we're going, hence the food and the table, and…" the man then pushes a button on the table and a television comes out from behind the walls. "…a TV. I have to say though, with all the reality crap on right now, nobody watches it. After all, we don't need to Survivor or The Real Gilligan's Island to prove that the human race is full of morons who'd make asses for themselves just to have 15 minutes with a bonus of cash."

"You sir talk too much." Kuno said. "I demand to know where we are."

"What's the last thing you guys remember?" The man asked before taking a bite of his ham.

"Well… Ranma was treating Akane badly…" Ryoga said before the man stopped him.

"Ok… what is the last thing everybody in REALITY remembers?" The man asked.

"HEY! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" Ryoga asked pissed off.

"It means pig-boy," The man said, "that you're as delusional as the hopes that Jennifer Lopez will get that Oscar." Having enough, Ryoga charges up his energy. "You can try to use your lion's roar on me…"

"SHI SHI HODUKAN!" Ryoga said as he launched a ball of his ki towards the man, only to have it…

*WHAM*

…come back to him twice as hard and twice as fast. He would have been knocked out, but something's keeping him up.

"You want to be up for this." The man said as he continued eating.

"Well, we were fighting Ranma and Akane respectively," Ukyo said, "and I would have beaten that hussy and have Ranchan if… there wasn't an…."

"Explosion!" Kuno said. "But where are we now?"

"In all do time, you'll find out." The man said. "Sit down, grab some food." He then points to a machine. "That'll give you any food you want. Heh, good thing those damn Sci-Fi geeks don't know how to build one. Hate to see what would happen if they did, after all, look how they reacted when that dictionary of that alien language. You know, the guys with the bumpy foreheads?"

"Where's Arien?" Shampoo asked in Chinese, that everyone understood much to their surprise.

"Told you everyone could understand you." The man said. "Anyway, you don't want to know."

"I demand to know where the fair Akane Tendo and the Pig Tail girl are right now!" Kuno said.

"Show us or we'll…" Ryoga said, but got interrupted by the man.

"Want an encore of that lions roar shot Pig-Boy?" The man said, causing a surprise from Ryoga. "Yes, I know about your curse. I know about each and everyone of you. But right now, if you're so that damn interested in Ranma, Akane, and the Pig Tailed Girl, turn it to channel six." The man then gave Ukyo a remote and she did so. "It picks up a month after the explosion." They all then see the Tendo Dojo and, Akane is crying and Ranma is trying to comfort her.

"Oh, Ranma. I miss them so… so…" Akane said as she broke out into tears on his shoulder.

"I know, Akane, I miss them too." Ranma said. "But we have to be strong for them; they'd want us to be strong." He then kissed Akane right on the lips, causing outrage from those watching.

"If any of you start something, remember what happened to Pig Boy." The man said. The fiancées and rivals then tried to keep it in.

"What about Kodachi?" Akane said from the Tendo Dojo.

"She's too insane to stand trail for that explosion she caused." Ranma said. "I wish the cops were 5 minutes later, and then I could have…"

"NO!" Akane said. "Then I would loose you to the cops and jail, and I can't stand that! I love you too much!"

"Akane… I…" Then, the leaky Tendo roof worked like clock work and drenched Ranma, turning him into the pig tail girl.

"WHAT SORCURY IS THIS?!" Kuno demanded.

"No sorcery stick boy." The man said. "This place is giving you a bit of clarity and you're finally seeing the truth. Ranma fell into a cursed spring and turns into a girl with cold water. Now be quiet. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this moment? It seems like it would have never gotten to this point let alone one of them kissing." Turning back to the monitor, all of the people there were hanging on Ranma's yet finished sentence…

"I love you too." Ranma said just before kissing Akane again. The man then turned the TV off.

"No… NO! ARIEN LOVES ME! I WANT OUT OF HERE! I WANT TO SEE MY ARIEN!" Shampoo said as she started banging on the walls.

"Gee, I bet your tribe is proud of you right now. But I doubt Ranma would love you for trying to kill Akane." The man said just before sipping some wine and eating. "If you want to see the future, its on channel 99, but…"

Ryoga quickly turns it to channel 99, only to see Akane in the hospital and in labor with Ranma's baby.

"NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HE DOSEN'T LOVE HER! I DO! I'VE GOT MORE HONOR THAN…"

"Oh yeah," the man said. "Lying about your curse, blaming the other guy when he's not there, disregarding the safety of others just to kill said guy. That's a lot of honor right there." He said with a hint of sarcasm.

"But… Ranchan loves me…" Ukyo said.

"As a sister." The man interrupted. "Too damn bad you were blind to see that and kept trying to kill the woman he loves, or have you forgotten when those girls thinking they were Tendos showed up and she asked for training?"

"IT'S A SPELL IT HAS TO…" Kuno said, but the man stopped him.

"No go Joe." The man said. "Trying to cut the other guy's head off and being one step closure to rapping the woman you "Love" if you didn't get any of those pictures. But don't worry, your supplier will join you in a couple of years thanks to a bad blackmailing scheme and you can get all the pictures you want."

"ENOUGH! WHERE ARE WE?!" Shampoo asked as the man was finished with his meal.

"Well, since we're almost there, all I'm going to say is you're you were met to be." The man smiled as a ding was heard.

"An… elevator?!" Ryoga asked.

"Yep." The man said. "I was visiting a friend on the top floor. Nice guy too, but if you acted that way back in the days of Mosses, he get all 10th plague on your asses." The doors then opened and the NWC quickly took in a smell of fire and sulfur and saw that they were in the fiery pits of…

"HELL?! WE'RE IN HELL?!" Kuno said. Then it dawned on them about the man as they looked at him.

"What?" He said. "You were expecting me to wear all red?"