Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Snow Mia and the Seven Chibis ❯ Chapter 1
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: deathbyanime 
Demented 'Snow White' parody. Anubis/Mia, with good-natured character bashing, yaoi jokes, and a side-dish of Rowen/Ryo.
Anime/Manga: Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.16.2004 | Pages: 6 | Words: 4.6K | Visits: 906 | Status: Completed
Demented 'Snow White' parody. Anubis/Mia, with good-natured character bashing, yaoi jokes, and a side-dish of Rowen/Ryo.
Anime/Manga: Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.16.2004 | Pages: 6 | Words: 4.6K | Visits: 906 | Status: Completed
Disclaim: Not mine. Belongs to companies I am too lazy to look up. No harm intended, no money being made.
Babble: This is the type of thing that gets fic authors committed. I'd always wanted to do a Mia and Anubis Snow White story, I just never imagined it turning out like this. Any character's name followed by : is the character interrupting me as I tell the story. I can't explain the interludes, despite being the one who wrote them.
***
So, once there was this king and his queen.
Anubis: Now what kind of beginning is that for a fairy tale?
*sigh* Fine, have it your way. *clears throat*
Once upon a time there were a king and queen. They wanted a daughter for a very long time, but couldn't have one. Possibly because the king is being played by Mia's grandfather, and can someone that old really get it up-
Mia: Ahem!
Sorry.
Mia: That's just gross. Please don't go into my grandfather's sex life.
Sorry, sorry. Anyways. The queen prayed for a very long time to have a daughter. She wanted her daughter to have skin like snow, lips like blood, and hair like night. Picky, picky. You'd think just *a daughter* would be good, but there's no pleasing some people.
So, she eventually has a daughter. The girl does have skin like snow, but her hair's a reddish brown, and as she's not into the whole makeup thing her she doesn't have the lips like blood. But going with the skin like snow thing, she decides to name her daughter Snow Mia. Pretty soon, the queen dies. I personally think she committed suicide because her daughter didn't turn out the way she wanted.
Mia: My mother didn't commit suicide!
Anubis: *sweatdrop* Mia, it's not really your mother, unless your grandfather's actually your father.
Mia: Ew!
*glares at them* Do you mind letting me get on with the story?
The King was very lonely, and eventually remarried, to the most beautiful women in the kindom, Lady Kayura.
Dais: Ha!
I'll choose to ignore that.
At first they were a happy little family, because there were probably plenty of servents to take care of Snow Mia, so Kayura didn't have to do anything and could just sit around acting queenly and playing with her Star Sword Mirror.
Kayura: Star Sword Mirror? O_o
Shut up.
Snow Mia grew up, and surprised everyone by growing beautiful, making her mother wish she hadn't been so quick to commit suicide.
Mia: Now you're just getting ridiculous.
Queen Lady Kayura (o_O) was very paranoid about her looks. She had to go, at least every couple days, to her Star Sword Mirror and ask it "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all."
And the Mirror would answer, "You are Queen," without any fancy rhyming or anything, because people, it's just a freaking mirror!
Anyways. So, a lot of time goes by. And Snow Mia gets prettier and prettier, so Queen Lady Kayura makes her wear rags, thinking that then she won't be so pretty. But Snow Mia was getting the better end of the deal, because it's a lot easier to move around in one ragged dress than in the whole corset & petticoats ensemble.
But the fact remained that Kayura was getting old and Mia was a teenager. One day when she asked her Mirror the question, it answered "Snow Mia is much better looking than you are, hag."
Lady Kayura: O_O
Lady Kayura was furious.
Lady Kayura: Understatement of the millenia.
She decided the easiest way to get back to being most beautiful was to kill Snow Mia. She called upon her loyal huntsman Kale, who she was secretly sleeping with, and told him to bring Snow Mia out into the forest and kill her. She gave him a box and told him to bring Mia's head back in it.
Kale raised an eyebrow, looking at the box which was maybe 5 inches by 5 inches. "I don't think it will exactly fit, my queen."
The queen waved a hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, we'll go with the cliche'd heart." Then she left to off for some plastic surgery.
So Kale went and got Mia, who was in the attic poking at some samurai armors, and brought her out into the forest. She set up a nice little picnic and was eating some cake. Kale didn't want to interrupt her dinner by killing her, because that would be messy. Messy, messy, messy. So instead, he told her how the queen wanted to kill her. Hey, he's a lowly huntsman, no one ever said he was bright.
Kale: Hey!
Mia was shocked and repulsed by all this. Kale suggests she goes off to live in the forest, and she takes his advice. Now, he's supposed to be good with nature and stuff, you'd think he'd know about minor things like how difficult it is for a pampered princess to suddenly live in the forest. But again, we never said he was bright.
But that aside, he must have had some small amount of intelligence, because he killed off a poor, innocent deer and put it's heart in the box. No formadelahyde or anything, just the heart. Ick.
So Snow Mia went off to live in the forest. But it was spring, and there were very few edible berries about, and it was still pretty cold at night. After starving for a few days and almost freezing to death by night, Snow Mia was perfectly willing to go home and face up to her step-mother's murderous ways. But you try being a pampered princess wandering around in a forest for days, and then try to get home. See how good your sense of direction is.
Anubis: That's the second time you've said that. If Kayura hates her and makes her wear rags, how could she be a pampered princess?
...Shut up!
Snow Mia found a small house. Very small. When she went inside, she had to be careful not to whack her head on the rafters.
No one was home, so Snow Mia looked for something to eat. The place was a sty, weeks worth of dishes piled up in the sink. From the look of things, the occupants had been eating out of cups rather than wash the dishes. 'Men.'
Snow Mia washed up the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen in order to cook. But there were several bachelors living there by themselves, and it was a big job. By them time she was done, she was exhausted.
She went upstairs and saw the seven beds lined up in a row. A sweatdrop grew on her forehead. Wildfire, Strata, Halo, Torrent, Hardrock, Spider, Cobra. 'Who would name their kids that?'
She shoved a few of the ridiculously short beds together and lay down to go to sleep.
***
Happy Little Interlude
Anubis: Isn't this supposed to be a me and Mia story? Where the hell am I?
@_@
Anubis: >_O We're going to be here awhile. *grabs Mia's hand and pulls her into a conviently located closet* *obscene noises can be heard*
Kale: *grumble, grumble* I'm not that dumb! Right guys?
Sekmet: ...
Dais: *whistles innocently*
Kale: ..I hate you. *sulk, sulk*
@_@ *author wanders off*
Ryo: What is this? Why are we all standing around?
Rowen: The author was writing the story under the influence of two bottles of Mountain Dew. The caffiene high is wearing off, so she needs to make some coffee.
Ryo: Oh. *long silence* And how do you know all this?
Rowen: *looks ill* The author is overly fond of me.
*murmers of sympathy*
Kento: *whiny* I'm bored.
Sai: Anyone up for some poker? *pulls out a pack of cards*
All: O_O
Sai: What? I'm not allowed to have hobbies?
Sage: o_O Alright. Who's dealing?
*much later*
*author bounces in, insanely hyperactive, holding a cup of coffee* Ro-chan! *glomps Rowen*
Rowen: O_O *pulls away* I'm scared. Ryo, hold me.
Ryo: Ok! :D
*giggling* Not now you two, you're needed in the next part. ^___^!
Ryo: Damn.
*glances around* Um. Where's Mia? *frantic* I can't write a fic without the star!
Dais: *points towards the closet*
*at that moment, particularly loud noises are heard*
O_O; Oh my. *knocks on the closet door* Are you decent?
Anubis: *cranky* We're in a closet, alone, with obscene noises. Do you think we're decent?
Sorry. Um, I need Mia for the next part of the story.
*muffled swearing*
*Mia and Anubis emerge a few minutes later, with hair and clothes disarrayed*
Anubis: *glare*
On with the fic! ^__^!
***
The chibis headed home after a long day of mining diamonds-er, fighting Talpa. Or something. And they sang, because they were so happy to be done.
Ryo: I am not singing.
Yes, you are.
Kento: Neither am I.
But..
Sage: No singing!
Dammit, you're all against me! ;_;
Anyways. The chibis headed home, glad to be done with the day's work.
When they entered thier home, they nearly dropped dead from shock. It was /clean/ . Chibi Rowen ran to the window, looking for the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. Chibi Kento passed out cold. Chibi Sekmet cowered beneath the table in fear. Chibi Dais broke down crying, all the lovely spider webs were gone.
When the shock wore off 15 minutes later, they realized that the house couldn't have cleaned itself. They crowded up the stairs, and gaped at the girl sleeping on their beds. All but Ryo and Rowen fell madly in love with her, in a chibish way. Ryo and Rowen didn't because, let's face it, they're gayer than Richard Simmons doing gymnastics and holding a gay pride flag. (Try saying that out loud. I guarantee you can't do it without giggling.)
Ryo: HEY!
Rowen: Face it Ryo, we got nothing.
Ryo: *sulk, sulk*
So they waited for her to wake up, staring at her like a bunch of little stalkers. When she woke and stretched, the bodice of her dress a bit tight *ahem*, it gave the 5 straight chibis nosebleeds.
Mia blinked innocently, unaware she was surrounded by perverts. "I'm Snow Mia, the princess. There's a whole complicated business with my step-mother trying to kill me. She's a real bitch. I got lost and I found this house. I hope I'm not intruding?"
Mia: Come on, I'm not that naive.
Rowen: Yes, you are.
Mia: >.o Am not.
Rowen: You never found out about the peephole Sage drilled into your bathr-
Sage: *tackles Rowen*
Mia: O_O! Sage! *pulls out a frying pan*
Sage: Oh. Crud. *runs*
*author blinks* That was odd.
Chibi Sai got the nerve to speak. "Oh no, it's alright if you stay here. Feel free to stay as long as you want."
"Why thank you." Mia stood and stretched, causing the perverted little Chibis to nosebleed again. "Is anyone hungry?"
The Chibis fell all over themselves, offering to cook her dinner, cook her a gourmet dinner, order in dinner because none of them can cook, serve her dinner, serve her dinner on a silver platter, ect. Except for Chibi Ryo and Chibi Rowen, who were bemoaning the fact that chibis can't have sex.
During all of this, Mia went to the pantry and ate leftovers.
They talked a bit, and decided Mia would get to stay and cook and clean for them. She got the better end of the deal, since she wasn't that good a cook and got a roof over her head, while all they got was a semi-clean house and burnt food.
Mia: Hey..
Queen Kayura, who'd recovered from her extensive plastic surgery, and was looking more beautiful than ever-
Dais: Ha!
finally got around to remembering Mia. She went to find her loyal-but-stupid huntsman, to ask him for Mia's heart. Kale pulled out the box, which was stinking something awful, and handed it to her.
Lady Kayura: Oh, ick.
The queen opened it, and accepted that the heart was Mia's. One, she'd never taken anatomy and wouldn't know the difference, and two, it was rotting and gross and she didn't look at it for long.
Satisfied, Queen Lady Kayura went off to do aerobics of somekind. As I mentioned before, the King was really too old to get it up,
Lady Kayura: Thank God!
Mia: Ick, gross, nasty.
and she had to have something to fill her free time with. Besides, she was now even more paranoid about her looks and had half a dozen personal trainers for various things.
But even Queen Lady Kayura isn't that vapid. So one day her ego was a bit low, and she went off to talk to her Star Sword Mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"
The Mirror, looking quite annoyed at being woken up from it's nap, replied "Hag, Snow Mia's still way hotter than you- and her living in a house without running water! I suggest you do your research before assigning the first idiot you come across commit your murders."
Of course, Queen Lady Kayura was furious. For reasons unsaid, she didn't do anything about the idiot huntsman. Probably so she could continue to sleep with him, IMO.
But, she couldn't have Snow Mia still living. Because even though she was out in the middle of nowhere with no one but some hentai chibis, and all the subjects would still think the queen the most beautiful-
Dais: Riiight.. *snickering*
Would you shut up?
the most beautiful woman in the world, she'd still know that 5 insignificant chibis thought Snow Mia was hot, and for someone with her ego and paranoia, this was unacceptable. Obviously, Mia would have to be killed.
***
Another Happy Interlude
Ryo: Yay! *eyes the closet*
Anubis: Don't try it. *also eying the closet*
Kento: *sweatdrop* Um. Why are we having this interlude?
Rowen: The author got hungry and is eating Cheese Ravioli with Vegetables.
Kento: Gross.
Shut up. I'm a vegetarian.
Sai: All the way? You don't eat fish? *gets all starry-eyed* *_*
o_O Uh, yes.
Sai: My hero! *glomps*
Ack! Get it off! Go glomp a Sai fan, I want Rowen or Dais glomping me!
Dais: Fat chance.
;_; You all suck. *pries Sai off her, and goes off to eat her soup in peace*
*with their significant others in tow, Ryo and Anubis race towards the closet door*
Anubis: *dives into the closet with Mia* Ha! Take that, Astronomy-boy!
Rowen: Dammit! *he and Ryo go off to look for somewhere else to neck*
Kayura: *lounging on the only couch, reading a Harry Potter book*
All: O_o?
Kayura: Shut up. *gasp* Run Sirius, run!
All: o_O;;
Sai: *pulls out a deck of cards* Poker?
Sage: o_o; I will never get used to hearing him ask that.
*much, much later*
*the poker game seems to have degenerated into strip poker, with Kayura fully clothed and Sekmet blushing in his boxers. Ryo and Rowen have taken over the couch and are.. erm.. occupied*
*author flounces in, happy after a nice dose of Gundam Wing yaoi* ^__^ Ficcy time!
Kayura: Damn.
Sekmet: Yes!
*knocks on the closet door* Fic time.
*Mia and Anubis walk out, looking very pleased with themselves*
*pokes Rowen and Ryo with a stick* As much as I'm enjoying this, being my yaoi-obsessed self, I need you for the fic.
*much grumbling as they entangle themselves*
*sweatdrop* Why do I get the feeling that an interlude was only funny the first time around..?
Rowen: This fic is bad enough, why these godawful interludes?
Because I'm a fic author, and therefore all powerful! On with the fic!
***
Now, if you're the queen, everyone sucks up to you. You don't have to pay anyone, although it's good PR. Most of the time Queen Lady Kayura took advantage of their sucking up and got food and clothes for free. She always paid her plastic surgeons- you know, the whole looks paranioa.
She decided now would be another good time to pay. She needed help from a local magic guy, Talpa. The whole ugly, skanky old witch thing was temporary, but if she pissed off Talpa, he might make it permanent.
Queen Lady Kayura paid him off well. The king spent most of his time up in the attic with those samurai armors, and thusly didn't spend much money.
Lady Kayura: Like, could you make me look any more shallow? *cracks her gum in a Valley Girl-ish way*
O_o;
Repulsed by her new look, Queen Lady Kayura bought up the country's supply of poison. This was a bit obvious, but when you're the queen, people generally do as you say.
She went home, intending to poison an apple. "Sometimes, cliches are good things," she chirped to no one. But the fridge was mostly empty, and all she found was a kumquat. It would have to do, even though she wasn't entirely sure what a kumquat was.
Ryo: Neither are you.
True.
So Lady Kayura soaked the kumquat in the poison. She knew nothing about poisons or their applications, but what the hell.
The Queen left the castle and went in search of Mia to kill her. Again with thekilling! Messy, messy, messy. Now, despite the whole 'I am Queen, they all suck up to me so that I've never had to do a day of work' persona, the Queen seems to have an extrodinary sense of direction, finding the Chibis' house in a few hours, while it took Snow Mia several days.
Snow Mia had been told many times by the Chibis to never talk to anyone who came, and to always stay in the house. But honestly. If your only company was half a dozen horny chibis, and you were living in a house that if you weren't careful you thwacked your head every five minutes, would you listen? I thought not.
Snow Mia was outside, reading a Harry Potter book. What can I say, they're everywhere, even in hermit-esque Chibi houses. Looking up at the end of a chapter, she saw a truly ugly old woman coming toward her. It never occured to her to wonder what someone was doing way out in the middle of the forest, because she was desperate for a companion who wasn't constantly trying to look up her skirt.
"Hello!" she called out. The old woman made her way towards Mia much faster than an old woman with arthritis should be able to travel.
"Hello my dear," replied the old woman, trying to fake an old woman voice. "I'm selling fruit and/or vegetables.. I'm not quite sure what it is. Would you like to try a piece?"
"I'd love to!" Mia quickly accepted the offered kumquat. She didn't know what it was either, but hey. She took a big bite of the juicy fruit/vegetable, and fell over, dead.
Mia: O_O;
Anubis: ;_;
Queen Lady Kayura's eyes bugged out. "Oh my god, it worked! Whoo hoo!" She skipped off home, leaving the kumquat lying there like a sign screaming in obnoxious neon letters 'EVIL QUEEN WAS HERE!'
A few hours passed, poor unconscious- er, dead- Snow Mia lying there on the hard cold ground. Yes, it's summer now, but the ground's still cold dammit.
The Chibis punched out at work, be it diamond mining or Talpa fighting, and went home, still refusing to sing. They knew their food would be burnt, but hell, at least they wouldn't have to cook and wouldn't be eating out of cups.
To make an already too-long story short (well, not really) they arrived home and found Mia dead. And they were heartbroken, except the yaoi-ish chibis, who were mildly depressed, which just goes to prove the benefits of being a gay bishounen when in a caffiene addict's fanfic.
Anyways.
The heart broken Chibis had to dispose of the corpse before it began to stink, but they couldn't bear to bury the body, nor could they afford it. Ryo and Rowen briefly considered selling it to medical research for cash, but the other 5 Chibis 'persuaded' them otherwise.. by means of a mallet.
They finally had Snow Mia put into a beautiful glass coffin, which cost more than a normal burial would have, ensuring they'd have to mine diamonds for the next six monthes to pay it off. But in the horny infatuated Chibis' minds, it was worth it.
And a lot of time went by. Despite her leaving the kumquat behind, the Chibis never caught on that the queen had done it. Apparently it didn't bother them that Snow Mia's supposed corpse didn't rot. That would have bothered me, but what do I know?
The lovely, supposedly dead Snow Mia lay there for a very long time, before a very hot prince came by. He was, um, on his way to become a monk, because he couldn't find the woman of his dreams and decided he might as well be celibate. Weird guy. And for the first time EVER in one of these stories, the handsome prince gets a name! Prince Anubis!
Anubis: About damn time! I thought you were going to grant a cameo role to every character who'd ever been in Ronin Warriors before you let me appear.
But then, he practically tripped over Snow Mia's coffin. And he fell madly in love. She was dead, but he was so awestruck by her beauty that he didn't notice that detail for awhile.
The Chibis, who were all slouched about the coffin, having finally paid off the bill. Now the prince finally noticed she was dead. And he was sad. But she was the love of his life, and he didn't care about supposedly minor things like death. And being a spoiled prince, he didn't have a strong grip on reality. *whispers* You know, most royalty are inbred-
Anubis: *coughs* You're rambling.
Sorry.
Prince Anubis wanted to take this beautiful dead chick with him. Hell, he'd still be celibate, but at least he could look at her. So, he had his faithful servants, Ule, Saberstrike, the Ancient One, and Whiteblaze-
Anubis: I knew it! You are trying to cameo all the unimportant characters!
had his faithful servents pick up the coffin. The Chibis started to throw a hissy fit. They'd paid all that money- er, they loved Snow Mia /so/ much. *rolls eyes* But with the help of a few bags of gold, Prince Anubis convince the Chibis that he loved Snow Mia much more than they did, and he and his faithful servents went on their way.
Now, a word of advice to the kiddies. When having two adults of different heights, a child, and a mostly untrained tiger being your faithful servent, don't give them anything of value to carry. If you must, don't hurry them, as the load they're carrying won't be very balanced.
But Prince Anubis did not know this. And now that he wasn't going to join a monestary, he wanted to get home and gaze upon Snow Mia some more. So he tried to hurry his faithful servents.
Whiteblaze growled as Saberstrike stepped on his tail. The Ancient One was also trying to carry that staff, and was only using one hand. Ule was way too short to reach the glass coffin. And so, the coffin fell, and Snow Mia fell out.
The prince was aghast, and very likely heads would have rolled. But then something Shocking and Amazing!(TM) happened.
The bite of kumquat fell out of her mouth, and Snow Mia sat up.
The Chibis gasped.
The prince gasped.
The prince's faithful servents gasped, not because they particularly cared, but rather they just did what the prince expected of them.
Snow Mia blinked. "Note to self- do not eat kumquat."
The prince went down on one knee before her, and confessed his undying love. He said how he loved her hair like autumn, and Snow Mia had always had issues with her mother committing suicide because her hair wasn't black. So because of this ego-boost and the fact that he was damn good looking, Snow Mia fell in love with him.
Prince Anubis swept her into his arms, and they climbed atop his horse. He was also very appreciative of the too-tight dress. *smirk* and they rode off into the sunset, to the prince's castle, and more specifically, the prince's bedroom, leaving the poor idiot faithful servents to run behind.
The poor, forgotten Chibis moped about, mining diamonds and letting their house go back to shambles. Men.
But what of the evil Queen? Surely after Prince Anubis found out how she'd tried to kill his beloved Snow Mia, he'd try to kill her. But when he went to the kingdom, he saw there was no need.
For the evil Queen Lady Kayura was suffering a fate worse than death- King Mia's Grandfather had discovered the wonders of Viagra.
And they all- well, at least two of them- lived happily ever after.
Babble: This is the type of thing that gets fic authors committed. I'd always wanted to do a Mia and Anubis Snow White story, I just never imagined it turning out like this. Any character's name followed by : is the character interrupting me as I tell the story. I can't explain the interludes, despite being the one who wrote them.
***
So, once there was this king and his queen.
Anubis: Now what kind of beginning is that for a fairy tale?
*sigh* Fine, have it your way. *clears throat*
Once upon a time there were a king and queen. They wanted a daughter for a very long time, but couldn't have one. Possibly because the king is being played by Mia's grandfather, and can someone that old really get it up-
Mia: Ahem!
Sorry.
Mia: That's just gross. Please don't go into my grandfather's sex life.
Sorry, sorry. Anyways. The queen prayed for a very long time to have a daughter. She wanted her daughter to have skin like snow, lips like blood, and hair like night. Picky, picky. You'd think just *a daughter* would be good, but there's no pleasing some people.
So, she eventually has a daughter. The girl does have skin like snow, but her hair's a reddish brown, and as she's not into the whole makeup thing her she doesn't have the lips like blood. But going with the skin like snow thing, she decides to name her daughter Snow Mia. Pretty soon, the queen dies. I personally think she committed suicide because her daughter didn't turn out the way she wanted.
Mia: My mother didn't commit suicide!
Anubis: *sweatdrop* Mia, it's not really your mother, unless your grandfather's actually your father.
Mia: Ew!
*glares at them* Do you mind letting me get on with the story?
The King was very lonely, and eventually remarried, to the most beautiful women in the kindom, Lady Kayura.
Dais: Ha!
I'll choose to ignore that.
At first they were a happy little family, because there were probably plenty of servents to take care of Snow Mia, so Kayura didn't have to do anything and could just sit around acting queenly and playing with her Star Sword Mirror.
Kayura: Star Sword Mirror? O_o
Shut up.
Snow Mia grew up, and surprised everyone by growing beautiful, making her mother wish she hadn't been so quick to commit suicide.
Mia: Now you're just getting ridiculous.
Queen Lady Kayura (o_O) was very paranoid about her looks. She had to go, at least every couple days, to her Star Sword Mirror and ask it "Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all."
And the Mirror would answer, "You are Queen," without any fancy rhyming or anything, because people, it's just a freaking mirror!
Anyways. So, a lot of time goes by. And Snow Mia gets prettier and prettier, so Queen Lady Kayura makes her wear rags, thinking that then she won't be so pretty. But Snow Mia was getting the better end of the deal, because it's a lot easier to move around in one ragged dress than in the whole corset & petticoats ensemble.
But the fact remained that Kayura was getting old and Mia was a teenager. One day when she asked her Mirror the question, it answered "Snow Mia is much better looking than you are, hag."
Lady Kayura: O_O
Lady Kayura was furious.
Lady Kayura: Understatement of the millenia.
She decided the easiest way to get back to being most beautiful was to kill Snow Mia. She called upon her loyal huntsman Kale, who she was secretly sleeping with, and told him to bring Snow Mia out into the forest and kill her. She gave him a box and told him to bring Mia's head back in it.
Kale raised an eyebrow, looking at the box which was maybe 5 inches by 5 inches. "I don't think it will exactly fit, my queen."
The queen waved a hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, we'll go with the cliche'd heart." Then she left to off for some plastic surgery.
So Kale went and got Mia, who was in the attic poking at some samurai armors, and brought her out into the forest. She set up a nice little picnic and was eating some cake. Kale didn't want to interrupt her dinner by killing her, because that would be messy. Messy, messy, messy. So instead, he told her how the queen wanted to kill her. Hey, he's a lowly huntsman, no one ever said he was bright.
Kale: Hey!
Mia was shocked and repulsed by all this. Kale suggests she goes off to live in the forest, and she takes his advice. Now, he's supposed to be good with nature and stuff, you'd think he'd know about minor things like how difficult it is for a pampered princess to suddenly live in the forest. But again, we never said he was bright.
But that aside, he must have had some small amount of intelligence, because he killed off a poor, innocent deer and put it's heart in the box. No formadelahyde or anything, just the heart. Ick.
So Snow Mia went off to live in the forest. But it was spring, and there were very few edible berries about, and it was still pretty cold at night. After starving for a few days and almost freezing to death by night, Snow Mia was perfectly willing to go home and face up to her step-mother's murderous ways. But you try being a pampered princess wandering around in a forest for days, and then try to get home. See how good your sense of direction is.
Anubis: That's the second time you've said that. If Kayura hates her and makes her wear rags, how could she be a pampered princess?
...Shut up!
Snow Mia found a small house. Very small. When she went inside, she had to be careful not to whack her head on the rafters.
No one was home, so Snow Mia looked for something to eat. The place was a sty, weeks worth of dishes piled up in the sink. From the look of things, the occupants had been eating out of cups rather than wash the dishes. 'Men.'
Snow Mia washed up the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen in order to cook. But there were several bachelors living there by themselves, and it was a big job. By them time she was done, she was exhausted.
She went upstairs and saw the seven beds lined up in a row. A sweatdrop grew on her forehead. Wildfire, Strata, Halo, Torrent, Hardrock, Spider, Cobra. 'Who would name their kids that?'
She shoved a few of the ridiculously short beds together and lay down to go to sleep.
***
Happy Little Interlude
Anubis: Isn't this supposed to be a me and Mia story? Where the hell am I?
@_@
Anubis: >_O We're going to be here awhile. *grabs Mia's hand and pulls her into a conviently located closet* *obscene noises can be heard*
Kale: *grumble, grumble* I'm not that dumb! Right guys?
Sekmet: ...
Dais: *whistles innocently*
Kale: ..I hate you. *sulk, sulk*
@_@ *author wanders off*
Ryo: What is this? Why are we all standing around?
Rowen: The author was writing the story under the influence of two bottles of Mountain Dew. The caffiene high is wearing off, so she needs to make some coffee.
Ryo: Oh. *long silence* And how do you know all this?
Rowen: *looks ill* The author is overly fond of me.
*murmers of sympathy*
Kento: *whiny* I'm bored.
Sai: Anyone up for some poker? *pulls out a pack of cards*
All: O_O
Sai: What? I'm not allowed to have hobbies?
Sage: o_O Alright. Who's dealing?
*much later*
*author bounces in, insanely hyperactive, holding a cup of coffee* Ro-chan! *glomps Rowen*
Rowen: O_O *pulls away* I'm scared. Ryo, hold me.
Ryo: Ok! :D
*giggling* Not now you two, you're needed in the next part. ^___^!
Ryo: Damn.
*glances around* Um. Where's Mia? *frantic* I can't write a fic without the star!
Dais: *points towards the closet*
*at that moment, particularly loud noises are heard*
O_O; Oh my. *knocks on the closet door* Are you decent?
Anubis: *cranky* We're in a closet, alone, with obscene noises. Do you think we're decent?
Sorry. Um, I need Mia for the next part of the story.
*muffled swearing*
*Mia and Anubis emerge a few minutes later, with hair and clothes disarrayed*
Anubis: *glare*
On with the fic! ^__^!
***
The chibis headed home after a long day of mining diamonds-er, fighting Talpa. Or something. And they sang, because they were so happy to be done.
Ryo: I am not singing.
Yes, you are.
Kento: Neither am I.
But..
Sage: No singing!
Dammit, you're all against me! ;_;
Anyways. The chibis headed home, glad to be done with the day's work.
When they entered thier home, they nearly dropped dead from shock. It was /clean/ . Chibi Rowen ran to the window, looking for the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. Chibi Kento passed out cold. Chibi Sekmet cowered beneath the table in fear. Chibi Dais broke down crying, all the lovely spider webs were gone.
When the shock wore off 15 minutes later, they realized that the house couldn't have cleaned itself. They crowded up the stairs, and gaped at the girl sleeping on their beds. All but Ryo and Rowen fell madly in love with her, in a chibish way. Ryo and Rowen didn't because, let's face it, they're gayer than Richard Simmons doing gymnastics and holding a gay pride flag. (Try saying that out loud. I guarantee you can't do it without giggling.)
Ryo: HEY!
Rowen: Face it Ryo, we got nothing.
Ryo: *sulk, sulk*
So they waited for her to wake up, staring at her like a bunch of little stalkers. When she woke and stretched, the bodice of her dress a bit tight *ahem*, it gave the 5 straight chibis nosebleeds.
Mia blinked innocently, unaware she was surrounded by perverts. "I'm Snow Mia, the princess. There's a whole complicated business with my step-mother trying to kill me. She's a real bitch. I got lost and I found this house. I hope I'm not intruding?"
Mia: Come on, I'm not that naive.
Rowen: Yes, you are.
Mia: >.o Am not.
Rowen: You never found out about the peephole Sage drilled into your bathr-
Sage: *tackles Rowen*
Mia: O_O! Sage! *pulls out a frying pan*
Sage: Oh. Crud. *runs*
*author blinks* That was odd.
Chibi Sai got the nerve to speak. "Oh no, it's alright if you stay here. Feel free to stay as long as you want."
"Why thank you." Mia stood and stretched, causing the perverted little Chibis to nosebleed again. "Is anyone hungry?"
The Chibis fell all over themselves, offering to cook her dinner, cook her a gourmet dinner, order in dinner because none of them can cook, serve her dinner, serve her dinner on a silver platter, ect. Except for Chibi Ryo and Chibi Rowen, who were bemoaning the fact that chibis can't have sex.
During all of this, Mia went to the pantry and ate leftovers.
They talked a bit, and decided Mia would get to stay and cook and clean for them. She got the better end of the deal, since she wasn't that good a cook and got a roof over her head, while all they got was a semi-clean house and burnt food.
Mia: Hey..
Queen Kayura, who'd recovered from her extensive plastic surgery, and was looking more beautiful than ever-
Dais: Ha!
finally got around to remembering Mia. She went to find her loyal-but-stupid huntsman, to ask him for Mia's heart. Kale pulled out the box, which was stinking something awful, and handed it to her.
Lady Kayura: Oh, ick.
The queen opened it, and accepted that the heart was Mia's. One, she'd never taken anatomy and wouldn't know the difference, and two, it was rotting and gross and she didn't look at it for long.
Satisfied, Queen Lady Kayura went off to do aerobics of somekind. As I mentioned before, the King was really too old to get it up,
Lady Kayura: Thank God!
Mia: Ick, gross, nasty.
and she had to have something to fill her free time with. Besides, she was now even more paranoid about her looks and had half a dozen personal trainers for various things.
But even Queen Lady Kayura isn't that vapid. So one day her ego was a bit low, and she went off to talk to her Star Sword Mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?"
The Mirror, looking quite annoyed at being woken up from it's nap, replied "Hag, Snow Mia's still way hotter than you- and her living in a house without running water! I suggest you do your research before assigning the first idiot you come across commit your murders."
Of course, Queen Lady Kayura was furious. For reasons unsaid, she didn't do anything about the idiot huntsman. Probably so she could continue to sleep with him, IMO.
But, she couldn't have Snow Mia still living. Because even though she was out in the middle of nowhere with no one but some hentai chibis, and all the subjects would still think the queen the most beautiful-
Dais: Riiight.. *snickering*
Would you shut up?
the most beautiful woman in the world, she'd still know that 5 insignificant chibis thought Snow Mia was hot, and for someone with her ego and paranoia, this was unacceptable. Obviously, Mia would have to be killed.
***
Another Happy Interlude
Ryo: Yay! *eyes the closet*
Anubis: Don't try it. *also eying the closet*
Kento: *sweatdrop* Um. Why are we having this interlude?
Rowen: The author got hungry and is eating Cheese Ravioli with Vegetables.
Kento: Gross.
Shut up. I'm a vegetarian.
Sai: All the way? You don't eat fish? *gets all starry-eyed* *_*
o_O Uh, yes.
Sai: My hero! *glomps*
Ack! Get it off! Go glomp a Sai fan, I want Rowen or Dais glomping me!
Dais: Fat chance.
;_; You all suck. *pries Sai off her, and goes off to eat her soup in peace*
*with their significant others in tow, Ryo and Anubis race towards the closet door*
Anubis: *dives into the closet with Mia* Ha! Take that, Astronomy-boy!
Rowen: Dammit! *he and Ryo go off to look for somewhere else to neck*
Kayura: *lounging on the only couch, reading a Harry Potter book*
All: O_o?
Kayura: Shut up. *gasp* Run Sirius, run!
All: o_O;;
Sai: *pulls out a deck of cards* Poker?
Sage: o_o; I will never get used to hearing him ask that.
*much, much later*
*the poker game seems to have degenerated into strip poker, with Kayura fully clothed and Sekmet blushing in his boxers. Ryo and Rowen have taken over the couch and are.. erm.. occupied*
*author flounces in, happy after a nice dose of Gundam Wing yaoi* ^__^ Ficcy time!
Kayura: Damn.
Sekmet: Yes!
*knocks on the closet door* Fic time.
*Mia and Anubis walk out, looking very pleased with themselves*
*pokes Rowen and Ryo with a stick* As much as I'm enjoying this, being my yaoi-obsessed self, I need you for the fic.
*much grumbling as they entangle themselves*
*sweatdrop* Why do I get the feeling that an interlude was only funny the first time around..?
Rowen: This fic is bad enough, why these godawful interludes?
Because I'm a fic author, and therefore all powerful! On with the fic!
***
Now, if you're the queen, everyone sucks up to you. You don't have to pay anyone, although it's good PR. Most of the time Queen Lady Kayura took advantage of their sucking up and got food and clothes for free. She always paid her plastic surgeons- you know, the whole looks paranioa.
She decided now would be another good time to pay. She needed help from a local magic guy, Talpa. The whole ugly, skanky old witch thing was temporary, but if she pissed off Talpa, he might make it permanent.
Queen Lady Kayura paid him off well. The king spent most of his time up in the attic with those samurai armors, and thusly didn't spend much money.
Lady Kayura: Like, could you make me look any more shallow? *cracks her gum in a Valley Girl-ish way*
O_o;
Repulsed by her new look, Queen Lady Kayura bought up the country's supply of poison. This was a bit obvious, but when you're the queen, people generally do as you say.
She went home, intending to poison an apple. "Sometimes, cliches are good things," she chirped to no one. But the fridge was mostly empty, and all she found was a kumquat. It would have to do, even though she wasn't entirely sure what a kumquat was.
Ryo: Neither are you.
True.
So Lady Kayura soaked the kumquat in the poison. She knew nothing about poisons or their applications, but what the hell.
The Queen left the castle and went in search of Mia to kill her. Again with thekilling! Messy, messy, messy. Now, despite the whole 'I am Queen, they all suck up to me so that I've never had to do a day of work' persona, the Queen seems to have an extrodinary sense of direction, finding the Chibis' house in a few hours, while it took Snow Mia several days.
Snow Mia had been told many times by the Chibis to never talk to anyone who came, and to always stay in the house. But honestly. If your only company was half a dozen horny chibis, and you were living in a house that if you weren't careful you thwacked your head every five minutes, would you listen? I thought not.
Snow Mia was outside, reading a Harry Potter book. What can I say, they're everywhere, even in hermit-esque Chibi houses. Looking up at the end of a chapter, she saw a truly ugly old woman coming toward her. It never occured to her to wonder what someone was doing way out in the middle of the forest, because she was desperate for a companion who wasn't constantly trying to look up her skirt.
"Hello!" she called out. The old woman made her way towards Mia much faster than an old woman with arthritis should be able to travel.
"Hello my dear," replied the old woman, trying to fake an old woman voice. "I'm selling fruit and/or vegetables.. I'm not quite sure what it is. Would you like to try a piece?"
"I'd love to!" Mia quickly accepted the offered kumquat. She didn't know what it was either, but hey. She took a big bite of the juicy fruit/vegetable, and fell over, dead.
Mia: O_O;
Anubis: ;_;
Queen Lady Kayura's eyes bugged out. "Oh my god, it worked! Whoo hoo!" She skipped off home, leaving the kumquat lying there like a sign screaming in obnoxious neon letters 'EVIL QUEEN WAS HERE!'
A few hours passed, poor unconscious- er, dead- Snow Mia lying there on the hard cold ground. Yes, it's summer now, but the ground's still cold dammit.
The Chibis punched out at work, be it diamond mining or Talpa fighting, and went home, still refusing to sing. They knew their food would be burnt, but hell, at least they wouldn't have to cook and wouldn't be eating out of cups.
To make an already too-long story short (well, not really) they arrived home and found Mia dead. And they were heartbroken, except the yaoi-ish chibis, who were mildly depressed, which just goes to prove the benefits of being a gay bishounen when in a caffiene addict's fanfic.
Anyways.
The heart broken Chibis had to dispose of the corpse before it began to stink, but they couldn't bear to bury the body, nor could they afford it. Ryo and Rowen briefly considered selling it to medical research for cash, but the other 5 Chibis 'persuaded' them otherwise.. by means of a mallet.
They finally had Snow Mia put into a beautiful glass coffin, which cost more than a normal burial would have, ensuring they'd have to mine diamonds for the next six monthes to pay it off. But in the horny infatuated Chibis' minds, it was worth it.
And a lot of time went by. Despite her leaving the kumquat behind, the Chibis never caught on that the queen had done it. Apparently it didn't bother them that Snow Mia's supposed corpse didn't rot. That would have bothered me, but what do I know?
The lovely, supposedly dead Snow Mia lay there for a very long time, before a very hot prince came by. He was, um, on his way to become a monk, because he couldn't find the woman of his dreams and decided he might as well be celibate. Weird guy. And for the first time EVER in one of these stories, the handsome prince gets a name! Prince Anubis!
Anubis: About damn time! I thought you were going to grant a cameo role to every character who'd ever been in Ronin Warriors before you let me appear.
But then, he practically tripped over Snow Mia's coffin. And he fell madly in love. She was dead, but he was so awestruck by her beauty that he didn't notice that detail for awhile.
The Chibis, who were all slouched about the coffin, having finally paid off the bill. Now the prince finally noticed she was dead. And he was sad. But she was the love of his life, and he didn't care about supposedly minor things like death. And being a spoiled prince, he didn't have a strong grip on reality. *whispers* You know, most royalty are inbred-
Anubis: *coughs* You're rambling.
Sorry.
Prince Anubis wanted to take this beautiful dead chick with him. Hell, he'd still be celibate, but at least he could look at her. So, he had his faithful servants, Ule, Saberstrike, the Ancient One, and Whiteblaze-
Anubis: I knew it! You are trying to cameo all the unimportant characters!
had his faithful servents pick up the coffin. The Chibis started to throw a hissy fit. They'd paid all that money- er, they loved Snow Mia /so/ much. *rolls eyes* But with the help of a few bags of gold, Prince Anubis convince the Chibis that he loved Snow Mia much more than they did, and he and his faithful servents went on their way.
Now, a word of advice to the kiddies. When having two adults of different heights, a child, and a mostly untrained tiger being your faithful servent, don't give them anything of value to carry. If you must, don't hurry them, as the load they're carrying won't be very balanced.
But Prince Anubis did not know this. And now that he wasn't going to join a monestary, he wanted to get home and gaze upon Snow Mia some more. So he tried to hurry his faithful servents.
Whiteblaze growled as Saberstrike stepped on his tail. The Ancient One was also trying to carry that staff, and was only using one hand. Ule was way too short to reach the glass coffin. And so, the coffin fell, and Snow Mia fell out.
The prince was aghast, and very likely heads would have rolled. But then something Shocking and Amazing!(TM) happened.
The bite of kumquat fell out of her mouth, and Snow Mia sat up.
The Chibis gasped.
The prince gasped.
The prince's faithful servents gasped, not because they particularly cared, but rather they just did what the prince expected of them.
Snow Mia blinked. "Note to self- do not eat kumquat."
The prince went down on one knee before her, and confessed his undying love. He said how he loved her hair like autumn, and Snow Mia had always had issues with her mother committing suicide because her hair wasn't black. So because of this ego-boost and the fact that he was damn good looking, Snow Mia fell in love with him.
Prince Anubis swept her into his arms, and they climbed atop his horse. He was also very appreciative of the too-tight dress. *smirk* and they rode off into the sunset, to the prince's castle, and more specifically, the prince's bedroom, leaving the poor idiot faithful servents to run behind.
The poor, forgotten Chibis moped about, mining diamonds and letting their house go back to shambles. Men.
But what of the evil Queen? Surely after Prince Anubis found out how she'd tried to kill his beloved Snow Mia, he'd try to kill her. But when he went to the kingdom, he saw there was no need.
For the evil Queen Lady Kayura was suffering a fate worse than death- King Mia's Grandfather had discovered the wonders of Viagra.
And they all- well, at least two of them- lived happily ever after.