Ronin Warriors Fan Fiction ❯ Where Am I and What Am I Doing Here?! ❯ In Which Everyone Becomes More Confused ( Chapter 3 )

Where Am I and What Am I Doing Here?!

 

KuroTsubasaNoTenshi

 

This chapter is rated “R” for extreme language and mild violence

 

WARNING: This chapter contains many insults of various degrees and origins. Most refer to sexual orientation, one's gender, and style of dress. No offense is meant to anyone, and thanks to my friend Joey for helping me come up with some insults. Also, you may notice them saying things like “Jesus Christ!” or making various references to God hating one another. If this offends you, I suggest you not read this story any further.

 

Chapter 3: In Which Everyone Becomes More Confused

 

“Um….” Caryn stared at the mountain of rubble and debris from the collapsed building.

 

“Shit?” Amber finished for her, both of them turning to look at Kate. “What now?”

Kate was staring at disbelief at the spot where the two most annoying Ronins characters ever created were now lying dead. She could not believe her luck. “They're gone?” She asked hypothetically, knowing even the over-dramatic wench and pain in the ass kid couldn't survive a building falling on them. “Woohoo! Okay! So the first thing we do is head to the mountain Ryo's stuck in.”

 

The other two girls stared at her oddly. Whiteblaze merely yawned widely and snuffled at the bag of beef jerky that had been dropped on the ground. Darn, it was empty.

 

Caryn snorted. “And how do you propose we do that?”

 

“Well, we need to find a car. Preferably one that isn't anywhere near here, because Talpa's castle-shadow-thing disrupts everything electrical. Sooooo……hmm…”

”How did Mia do it in the series?” Amber questioned, idly playing with Ryo's katana.

 

Kate blinked and paused to remember that far back in the series. It didn't take long, seeing as how she obsessed over the anime. “Well, some stuff happened, she and Yuli got chased by Anubis on a chariot and some husk soldiers, then Kaosu-wait, sorry, this is the dub-the Ancient intervened, threw his staff, split the ground and dissipated the electricity-affecting part of the cloud on their side of the rift.”

 

Amber stared at her friend. “…”

 

“Some stuff? Yeah, thanks bitch, real descriptive,” Caryn snapped. “Well, I guess we better start looking around for Anubis, huh?”

 

“Yeah, sounds like a plan,” Amber snorted. “And how do you plan on finding him? `Heeeeeere Anubis, Anubis, Anubis…'” she pantomimed calling a dog. “'Come on, boy!'”

 

“Um, guys…” Kate was staring behind them up the road several hundred yards.

 

“Hahaha! Yeah, we'll give him a treat if he does a trick,” Caryn continued with Amber's joke, both of them ignoring Kate.

 

“Guys? Hey, you two…” Kate gave up trying to draw her friends' attention, turned and ran, knowing her friends would follow soon enough.

 

Her thesis was correct for as Kate darted past them followed by Whiteblaze (smart kitty), the other two turned to look in the direction they had come from. There was Anubis on an evil-horse-drawn chariot surrounded by husk soldiers, some on horseback. Their eyes widened for a split second and (in unison) the spun around and chased after the retreating backs of Kate and Whiteblaze, yelling at them. “YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US!!!”

 

Kate yelled back at them as she sprinted, desperate to keep ahead of the rapidly gaining evil hoard. “I TRIED TO!”

 

“LIKE FUCK YOU DID! NOT FUCKING HARD ENOUGH, DAMMIT!”

 

“YOU'LL LIVE, BITCH!”

 

“NOT IF WE DON'T OUTRUN THIS GUY! SO MORE OF THE RUNNING, LESS OF THE JAWING!”

 

The two arguing girls yelled at Amber in unison, “OH, SHUT UP!”

 

Kate skidded to a halt abruptly, with Amber and Caryn careening into her back. “Oh, god dammit!” she yelled. Husk soldiers had stepped out of the alleys between the buildings ahead, and now the three friends and one large house cat were surrounded by a rather nasty-looking evil hoard.

 

Caryn's eye twitched and she smacked Kate on the head. Hard. “God fucking dammit! Kate, I fucking swear to god, if we live through this, I'm kicking your damn ass!”

 

“Why my ass?” Kate asked

 

“Because I said so!” Caryn snapped back irritably.

 

Anubis merely watched the three girls in mild amusement, wondering where they had come from. No matter, he'd bring them back to Master Talpa and maybe he could get a raise. Hair care was expensive, and his measly salary was barely enough for his supplies. “Well, well, well, what have we here?” He asked, almost languidly.

 

“That is a damn evil-sounding voice he has,” Amber said, blatantly ignoring the weapons brandished in their direction.

 

“Yeah, that might be because he's evil,” Caryn replied skeptically, a little more wary of the pointy death the husk soldiers were waving in her face.

 

“Well, only for a little while you guys,” Kate explained as she shouldered her bow and took up a defensive position with her staff. “In case you don't remember, Kousu gets to him after a little while and he changes sides. Kayura does too, and then they discover that she's the remaining descendant of the Ancient's clan.”

 

What the hell? Anubis thought confusedly. What on earth was this girl talking about? No matter, he decided, they were probably just babbling in fear of him. He chuckled evilly to himself at that thought. He really was evil, dark and imposing, wasn't he? “Are you pitiful little girls done screaming in abject terror over my most frightening and sudden appearance?”

 

Caryn, who had gotten into another argument with Kate, turned on Anubis with a raised eyebrow. “Terrified? By you?” She snorted, breaking into laughter.

 

Kate just sighed and shook her head, preparing for the running they were going to be doing very soon. Amber saw her and followed her lead.

 

The sarcastic laugher died on Caryn's lips as she stared at the red haired pretty-boy in front of her. “Look, you fucking idiot, I'm not scared of you, and if you had been paying attention instead of preening, you dolt, we weren't screaming in abject terror at anything. You're not scary at all. I mean, hell, you're more girly looking than I am!”

 

“…” Anubis was at a loss for what to say to that remark. His hair was his pride and joy! It did not make him look girly! He settled for glaring while gritting his teeth. “You'll live to regret that, you wench.”

 

Caryn's eyes widened fractionally and then closed into slits, making her glare all the more intimidating. “What did you just call me, you fucking yakuza-wannabe cracker-boy?”

 

Kate and Amber stopped securing their weapons and bags to their persons and turned in unison to stare at Caryn. Ooohhh….she was pissed now. She could take a lot of insults, but wench was not one she would put up with. “Oh my god. Tell me she's not going to start a bitch fight with Anubis. The Warlord of fucking CRUELTY.” Kate stared in morbid fascination as the two glared at each other.

 

Amber watched them also. “I…I think she is.”

 

The other two were ignoring the stares their little insult-fest was garnering and continued hurling insults at each other. “Yakuza-wannabe? I'll have you know that I'm far stronger and more intimidating than any yakuza punk, you two-cent whore.”

 

“Two cents, huh? At least I cost something. People can lay you for free!”

 

“At least people want to have me. You couldn't pay someone to take you to bed.”

 

“Who says I'd want them to, punk-bitch?”

 

“No one would anyway, you fucked up gothic slut.”

 

“At least I dress my sex. That armor does nothing for your feminine appeal.”

 

“Not like you can talk about feminine appeal, bitch. At least I have some.”

“At least I can dress female and look the part. Unlike you, you gay-ass drag queen.”

 

“Lily-white pansy-ass cunt.”

 

“Fish-fucking scrotum-licking jerkoff.”

 

“You should try putting a paper bag over your head. That way people won't puke when they look at you.”

 

“So why are you a bad guy? Didn't you get enough hugs as a child? Oh, I guess not, since not even a mother could love that face.”

 

“You…dare speak of my mother?!”

 

“Shut up, Carrot-Top. Go sell a computer.”

 

At this point, they had been advancing until they were nearly face to face, only about a foot apart. Katie headed over towards Caryn before it could get too physical, only to see the older girl's knee raise towards Anubis' crotch. She winced at the resulting yelp and sighed as Caryn nursed her knee. “They have cups, Caryn.”

 

“You could have told me sooner!”

 

“It was funnier to watch.”

 

Anubis snorted. “Not even your companion cares for your well being! Such a valuable friend, eh, wench?”

 

Caryn's eyes closed to slits and she spat in Anubis' face. “I can take you down any time you want to try me, Queenie.”

 

It was then that Kate grabbed the back of Caryn's shirt and began running in the opposite direction. Fury grew on the red-headed warlord's face and she only speeded up her pace, not slowing as she passed Amber and Whiteblaze, who joined the frantic scramble. Even the husk soldiers were fleeing Anubis, fearing for their little metal semi-lives. There was the sound of an explosion and the three friends assumed it was Anubis.

 

That only made them run faster.

 

Caryn chose this point to look up from where Kate was dragging her down the street. What she saw made her shriek, sink her feet into the ground and run fast enough to pass Kate and Amber.

 

“What the hell?!” Kate yelled at her.

 

Caryn's reply was coupled with a frantic finger waving at the sky. “LOOK UP THERE, IDIOT!”

 

Kate did, and what she saw lent even more speed to her flight. “Ohhhhmyholyfuckinggod RUN FASTER AMBER!!!”

 

What was currently speeding its pointy, golden glow-y way towards them was what appeared to be the Ancient's staff. Kate didn't bother to notice anything besides the fact that it was their savior's staff and the fact that it was aimed for them. There was a crash as the staff hit the ground and a deep rumbling accompanied by an earthquake that threw the three friends flat on their faces with various curses.

 

Amber was the first to sit up rubbing various bruises gently as she looked around. There was a huge split in the ground not three feet away from her, which probably led to a very long, very dark fall followed by a very sudden, very painful stop which probably ended in death. That thought caused her to squeak in fear and scoot backwards, directly into a groaning Caryn nursing a heavily bleeding arm.

 

“Holy mother of fuck! Amber! Jesus Christ, child, watch where you're going!”

 

“Oh, like you'd do better sitting up next to the chasm from hell caused by the glowing thing that nearly impaled itself on your skull!

 

Kate came over, brushing herself off and inspecting some tears in her shirt. “This will take some creative safety pinning…” she mumbled as she tied the torn and frayed split down the front of her shirt together. “Crapdammit, woman!” She said, catching sight of Amber trying to get Caryn to hold still long enough to take a look at her arm. “What did you do to yourself this time? S'plood! Here, clean your arm up and I'll put some anti-bacterial stuff on it and bandage it.”

 

Caryn caught the towel and gave Kate an odd look as she mopped up her arm. “S'plood?”

 

“She's using Elizabethan curses again,” Amber sighed. “S'plood is derived from `God's blood'.”

 

Kate just grinned as she dug through her bag, pulling out a roll of bandages and antiseptic. “Shakespeare class is fun and informative!”

 

“Kate, you need a life.” Caryn dropped the bloody towel and held her arm out to Kate. She would've done this herself; Caryn was the resident medical expert, to be truthful. Unfortunately, it was awkward to tie bandages with one hand - not to mention with her non-dominant hand - so she let Kate do it.

 

“Don't bite your tongue; this is gonna hurt.” Kate readied the peroxide bottle over the wound, giving Amber a look. The other girl nodded and braced herself in case Caryn should start struggling. It was an unlikely occurrence, but it was possible.

 

“Yeah, yeah, just clean the damn cut already.”

 

Kate carefully poured peroxide over the wound and wiped up the excess, bandaging Caryn's arm tightly. “There you go.”

 

“Meh, good enough,” the older girl replied, looking over the patch job. “Figures I'd be the one to get hurt.”

 

“Yeah. It's just because God hates you, though,” Amber replied flippantly, looking around. “So what happened?”

 

The resident Ronins expert stood up folding the bloody rag to be washed out later. “The Ancient just saved our asses.”

 

“And nearly killed us in the process,” Caryn chimed in, standing up.

 

Kate continued her explanation. “If you will direct your vision to the chasm in front of you, you will see that it separated us from the infuriated pansy-boy. Also, look at the sky and you'll notice that you actually see sky, and not swirling black clouds of doom. That means that any car in our area with its keys still in the ignition will work for us.” She grinned at that. “Amber won't have to hotwire it for us!”

 

“Hey. Where's Whiteblaze?” Amber asked, ignoring the reference to her rather unfavorable (with most people, anyway) ability to hotwire most cars.

 

“I have no idea. Maybe Whore scared him off?”

 

“I didn't scare him off,” Katie replied without batting an eyelash, “I ate him.”

 

“Oh, that explains it.”

 

“Roooooooooowr!”

 

And, right on cue, Whiteblaze appeared out of nowhere, looking as though nothing had happened.

 

“…What the hell was that?” asked Kate, staring at the over sized house cat.

 

“Plot hole.”

 

“Beat me to it by a second!” Amber said, snapping her fingers.

 

“Whatever. We need to find a car, and then we need to get to the volcano, save Ryo's ass…yadda yadda yadda,” Kate replied in a bored tone as she stretched.

 

“Then let's find us a car.”

 

Amber, who had already begun searching, waved at her two friends. “Hey guys! I found Mia's jeep!”

 

Caryn and Kate looked at each other and cringed, walking past the jeep at the other cars that were suddenly now idling in the road as if it was a completely normal thing. They spotted it at the same time, glanced at each other, nodded, and ran for the car. Amber followed them at a slower pace, wondering what the hell her friends were fawning over.

 

“Ohhh….it's a Mazda RX8!” Caryn said gleefully, looking the car over. “And it's got keys in it, and unlocked doors!”

 

Kate was in heaven. She wouldn't really have called herself a motor head, but she was definitely a fan of cars. “It's got the speed body kit, too! Someone was most definitely racing this.”

 

The car in question was indeed a 2004 Mazda RX8. The Speed body kit brought it lower to the ground and widened the sides, shielding the tires more and lowering the front bumper. It was a metallic silver at the hood, fading into black, with delicate violet and gold flames extending up the hood and halfway down the sides.

 

To put it shortly, they were in love with the car.

 

Amber just stared at the two quack jobs. “Good lord, they found a car they like.”

 

“I call the wheel!” They yelled at the same time, leaping for the handle. They froze, looked at each other, raised an eyebrow each. Kate was the first to speak.

 

“We share?”

 

“I get first.”

 

“Deal!” the replied together. This was followed by Kate's immediate shout of “Shotgun!” and Amber's reluctant buckling of her seat belt in the back.

 

And then they were off, Amber clutching her seat in terror as Caryn sped through the streets, heading unerringly towards where the map said they should go. To say she was a reckless driver was incorrect. That was Kate. To say that she obeyed the speed limits…was lying like a used car salesman. She prided herself on hardly ever using the break pedal, and she usually took turns going about 65 miles per hour. But enough about her bad driving habits.

 

Kate, who was unaffected (probably because she drove the same way) looked around the inside of the car. “We'll need another one.”

 

“Why?” Amber asked from the back, scared. “God no, not both of you on the road at once.”

 

“Well, this one only seats five, if the three in the back are small, four if they're our size. There are five Ronins, you, me, and Caryn. That makes eight people. We'll need another car.”

 

Caryn nodded as she took another turn, ignoring Amber's squeal of protest. “Yeah. We'll head back to the city after we get Ryo and you can find one that seats enough people.”

 

“Well, I can find another four-seater, and then we can just split everyone up evenly and go from there.”

 

Amber at this point had passed out in the back from fear of Caryn and Katie on the road at the same time in potentially very fast-moving cars. This was not going to be good for her health.