Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy ❯ Pondering ( Chapter 2 )

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Again, please correct my Japanese if you see an error. Or my English, for that matter; this hasn't been beta-read by anyone but me. ^_^

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 2: Pondering (Aoshi's POV)

Every morning I went to the temple to spend the day searching inside myself for answers, for some way to atone for all the pain I have caused. I sat in the lotus position, with my eyes closed to eliminate distractions. I breathed slowly, in and out, and let my mind relax, let it guide my meditations any way it pleased.

When I first returned to the Aoiya, after my disastrous search for the Battousai, the images never varied. For long months, it was always the same. I replayed the memories one by one, letting each terrible image once again pass before my eyes in an endless spiral of guilt, pain, and self-recrimination.

Beshimi, Hyottoko, Shikijou, and Hannya: the strongest of all the Oniwabanshuu. The circle begins and ends with these four men, my friends. They sacrificed themselves to save me, and I spat in their faces. I had thought to honor their deaths by attaining the title of the strongest warriors for them, but instead I squandered the gift they gave me. I threw it all away for my pride.

The Battousai would not kill me as I bid him to. If I could not defeat him and become the strongest warrior, then there was no point in continuing to exist. By denying me the honorable death I sought at his hands, he insulted me far greater than he realized. Kanryuu's interruption only made it worse.

I remembered the blood, the mingled scents of death and gunpowder. I remembered how it felt to watch each of them fall and die before my eyes while I remained injured and helpless, unable to protect them. Most of all, I remembered the way that Beshimi apologized to me for not being much help, just before his eyes dimmed. Never mind that his life was draining out of his body through scores of bullet holes. With his last breath, he was still worried about disappointing me.

It is an image I will carry with me to the end of my days.

Hyottoko actually smiled before he died, the same smile he wore when I caught him belching fire rings for little Misao's amusement many years before. The expression suited his face, I thought. He had always enjoyed entertaining children more than fighting anyway. I regretted taking away one of Misao's most favorite playmates.

Shikijou was my shield. He collapsed on his knees in front of me, and did not fall even when his last breath had escaped his lips. I knew that he was a very strong warrior. I had hoped that he would meet a better end than the one that came to him.

And Hannya, brave, strong, loyal Hannya. Though his face beneath the mask was disfigured, he was still one of the finest men I have ever known. His death was the hardest of them all to bear. He was like a rock I could rest my back on in battle, cool-headed and even-tempered. I will never forget how surprised he was when I told him about the offers the Meiji government had made for me.

"And you refused them all?" he'd asked incredulously.

I had only nodded.

"Surely you didn't do this because of us, Aoshi-sama?" Hannya was suddenly very uncomfortable. "We don't want to hold you back. If you wish to -"

"I told them that all of my men would have to be given similar offers or I would not accept. They refused, and so did I. End of discussion."

So I lost them all, because my pride was more important than my men. And afterwards, when the Battousai had defeated Kanryuu, thereby denying me vengeance for their deaths, the full impact of what I had done hit me. I was beyond anger, beyond sorrow. I had no hope left.

It was easier to blame the Battousai for it all. It was so much easier to focus all of my remaining strength and will to grow stronger so that I could challenge the Battousai once more, to defeat him and take the title of the strongest warrior for the Oniwabanshuu. I thought this would be the best way to repay them for their sacrifice. It was only later that I would realize how selfish and disgraceful this was to their memory.

I do not really remember very much of what happened after that. The months I spent up in the mountains were all a blur. I know that I tended to the Oniwabanshuu's graves, and trained to put aside all morals, all reason and compassion, just so I could defeat the Battousai. Beyond that, I am not certain of what I truly did or what I merely dreamed I did. My next clear memory did not come until I saw the curs defiling the graves I watched over.

They were scum, they were trash, and they were worthless and stupid. They kept insisting that I go with them to meet their Shishio-sama. They would not leave quietly. So I killed them. I do not regret that. I consider it a public service. They underestimated me, and they paid for it.

That was also the day that I learned that the Battousai would be going to Kyoto. Thus began my spiral into true darkness. If I was a demon before, it was nothing compared to what I became when I made that deal with Shishio.

But, I had heard the voices of my men calling out to me. Back then, I could have sworn that they were telling me to defeat the Battousai so that they could rest in peace. Now, I am not so certain what they were trying to tell me. Perhaps it was simply to go home. I will never know now. Their voices have been silent a long time.

It was a weakness I will never forgive myself for having. I could not be weak at that time; I had to be hard and cold and so strong that I would crush the Battousai and give the Oniwabanshuu the title they deserved.

Since Okina would not help me find him, I turned to Shishio. I thought that would give me the advantage that I needed so badly. Instead, I hurt everyone that ever cared about me: Okina, Misao, and the rest of the Oniwabanshuu I'd left behind in the Aoiya.

I nearly killed Okina. I was almost surprised to learn that I hadn't, surprised and, amazingly, grateful. It was bad enough seeing the horrified expression on Misao's face when she opened the door and saw Okina falling in a pool of his own blood.

I still remember the shock in her eyes, the disbelief and firm denial slowly being replaced by comprehension. All this I saw in the brief glimpse I allowed myself of her pale, pale face as I walked past her. I can still hear her voice, cracking with pain.

"Aoshi-sama!" *

I couldn't bear to turn around. I couldn't bear to let the laughing little girl I'd known so long ago see any more of what I had become.

"Get out of here. And never show your face to me again." *

I figured that she'd be all right without me. She had survived this long. And after I betrayed her like this, how could she not want me out of her life?

The Battousai knew differently. Oh, how his words cut through all my defenses, clean to the bone! I have never felt so much pain, having all of my weaknesses, all of my follies and betrayals thrown back in my face.

"Hannya. Shikijou. Beshimi. Hyottoko. They made your heart weak! It's not for them, it's because of them you're wielding the sword of a murderer!" *

He was cruel. He was ruthlessly efficient in stripping away everything, in plunging his words like a katana into the canker eating away at my soul. The poisonous pus drained out as he clinically stepped back and watched the results of his words. And then he struck the final blow.

"Did you know this, Aoshi? Misao-dono has named herself Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. After you fought with Okina, she took on the responsibilities of the Okashira in your place to protect Kyoto and the Oniwabanshuu." *

I did not want to hear that. The last thing I had ever wanted was to have Misao involved in the business of the Oniwabanshuu. She was the light and the life of the Aoiya. I knew she was strong, though. I knew the others would protect her. But he struck again, with no more mercy than he'd ever shown me.

"Then did you know that this strong girl wept when I promised to bring you back? No matter how strong she is, she's only sixteen. She must have been desperate, in the midst of a harsh reality. There's no one else in the world who can honestly answer for those tears. Or are you still trying to run away from reality, Aoshi? Are you going to pretend you have to prove you're the strongest for those four so you can run away in death? Take back your strong heart! And call back your lost honor! The time that stopped at Kanryuu's mansion moves now! The time to awaken is now!" *

And strangely, where nothing else would call me back from beyond the brink of madness, hearing that Misao still cared for me was a beacon I could not resist. My soul was my own again.

I still fought the Battousai - no, Himura Kenshin. I lost, but it didn't matter anymore. Misao still cared for me. I dreaded returning, dreaded the response from Okina and the others when they saw me again.

It was hard, but I had to keep Himura's promise. And I was welcomed, if not exactly with open arms, by everyone at the Aoiya, even Okina, who was still covered in bandages.

In the stir Himura's injured state provided, I was able to slip in almost unnoticed. Or so I thought. I took no more than three steps before I looked up to see Misao standing right in front of me, her huge blue eyes filled with tears. She didn't say anything, just hugged me so hard I thought my already abused ribs would crack, then released me as quickly as she'd grabbed me. Omasu called to her, and she ran off, but not before she flashed a sweet smile at me.

That smile was the reason that my meditation soon became … disturbed. In the middle of my recitation of how Hannya, Beshimi, Shikijou, and Hyottoko were killed in front of me, laughing blue eyes, the flick of a long dark braid, intrude on my quiet pain.

I remembered how I nearly killed Okina, and I heard her voice raised in laughter, calling out my name. Instead of betrayal in those deep blue eyes, I saw happiness and undying trust as she ran toward me.

And during the memory of the confrontation with Battousai, I heard the musical flow of her chatter as she sat with me in the temple a few months after I came back.

No matter what I did, I could not escape her voice, her eyes, and the vision of her, always at my side. I tried to tell myself that by allowing this, I was betraying her. She was pure and untainted, and I could not spoil that, whatever she thought she wanted from me.

The only reason that I returned to the Aoiya now became the reason why I avoided it so much. It did not stop her from seeking me out sometimes, but since I am a selfish man, I never told her to just leave me alone. I don't think I did much to encourage her attentions or her misplaced affections, but I allowed myself to enjoy her company far more than I should have.

I was fully aware that she was only seventeen, but her presence was becoming too much of a temptation to bear. I dislike confessing this weakness. It is one I will never conquer. How can I, when one look into those eyes cuts through everything, silencing the harsh words of my conscience and soothing my soul?

I sometimes found myself straining to hear her laughter, the sound of her voice from my lonely vigil in the temple. And several times, at night, I had paused outside her room, wanting desperately to look in on her as she slept.

Only once did I give in, sliding the shoji open as silently as possible. It took all of my self-control to stop myself from entering that moonlit room. Misao was sprawled on her futon, deeply asleep, her skin bathed in silvery moonlight. I wanted to touch her, to feel her smooth skin underneath my callused fingers. I wanted this so badly that I fled before I did something that I would regret later.

I can still see that image in my mind of Misao bathed in moonlight. Even now, my heart aches with the beauty and peace of it. My arms itched to hold her close, but that was something I could not allow.

I would only cause her pain, I reminded myself firmly.

Aoshi-sama … her voice echoed in my mind.

I shut my eyes, seeking the peace I so desperately needed to find; yet it still eluded me because of an image of Misao's body, bathed in moonlight.

I sighed very softly in defeat and opened my eyes again. There was no point in continuing my meditation today, it seemed, even though the sun was still quite high in the sky, indicating mid afternoon. I was about to uncross my legs and stand up when I felt a hand on my arm.

Startled, I looked up, wondering who could have slipped past my defenses so easily. Even when I am meditating deeply, no one can approach me without alerting me to their presence.

But there was no one there. And before I had time to wonder what was going on, I felt a tug on that same arm. Suddenly I was rising into the air, and the steps down from the temple were rushing past me. I sensed somehow that I was not in danger, so out of curiosity, I let the unseen force take me where it wanted me to go.

At the bottom of the stairs, a gentle, warm white light engulfed me. It felt like all of my sins were being washed away by the light, like all the darkness of my soul had been illuminated, and it was all right.

I found myself standing in a field that I knew very well. Years and years ago, I had come here to train alone. More often than not, I was accompanied by what Shikijou called my "little shadow" - a young Misao, practicing her ninja spying skills. She was always amazed that I could always sense her presence. I never had the heart to tell her that she probably shouldn't have worn that gold band on the end of her braid if she was going to play with her hair as she spied on me. She always picked the same tree to sit in, and the sun would always wink at me from the wrong direction, reflecting off the shiny gold band.

Now, the purple and orange streaked sky marked the impending arrival of nightfall, and there were several lanterns hung on poles around a small wooden target in the middle of the field. I stared up at the sky, wondering how long I had been engulfed in the light.

Several rhythmic thumps brought my attention back to the target. A slender girl with a very distinctive braid was practicing with her kunai on the target. The form she used was as familiar to me as the girl herself. She had learned it from Hannya, just as he had learned it from me.

Misao.

I was peculiarly unsurprised to find myself there. It had been a long time since I had had the chance to observe Misao's training, but I was not disappointed. I watched her as she flipped expertly through the air, her kunai flashing in the fading sunlight, striking the center of the target.

She landed gracefully, eyeing the target with a smile of satisfaction, and stepped forward to retrieve her small knives. Suddenly, she paused, and looked straight at me. She looked startled for a moment, and then she beamed. Her whole face lit up like the sun.

"Aoshi-sama," she greeted me happily, almost bouncing on her toes in her excitement. "Gomen nasai. I didn't realize that you were there."

I couldn't speak. I felt myself drawn toward her. Resisting that pull never even occurred to me, nor would I have wanted to if it had. Misao was so bright, so cheerful, so beautiful and open … everything that I was not. I moved forward, helpless to deny the lure of her flame even though I feared my touch would extinguish it.

Misao's smile faltered as I drew nearer, and her expression grew faintly concerned. "Aoshi-sama?" she asked hesitantly as I came even closer. "Daijoubu ka?"

I stopped mere inches from her, looking down into her beautiful, worried face. I felt as though my soul was laid bare before her eyes, like every emotion, every thought was set out in the pages of a book. I had never felt this way before, but it was … exhilarating. I felt so free watching her read those pages in my soul. I could not have stopped this even if I had known how.

"Aoshi-sama?" Misao asked again almost breathlessly, her eyes wide with awe. Hope caught fire deep within her eyes.

In answer, I raised one hand and caressed her cheek. It was warm and smooth and reassuringly solid under my touch. I bent my head to her upturned face, unable to stop myself, and brushed her achingly sweet lips with my own.

It was sheer bliss, and I was barely touching her. After an eternal moment I never wanted to end, I pulled back slightly. All of the emotions I had tried so hard to repress burned fiercely in my breast as I watched Misao's reaction.

Her eyes were still closed, and her entire body trembled.

Reason reasserted itself. This was wrong, I told myself. I should not have forced myself upon her like this. She would never forgive me …

And then she opened her eyes, and the flame of hope burst into a conflagration of joy. She was … smiling. For the life of me, I couldn't think of why she would be smiling at me like that. Hadn't I just tainted her?

"Aoshi-sama," she whispered softly, and it seemed she had more to say, but my fingers were trailing down her cheek.

The hand was back on my arm, the unknown force pulling me back again though every fiber of my being cried out against it.

Just one moment more, I pleaded silently. Please don't take this away from me.

Misao gasped my name in surprise as her image faded before me …

… and my eyes flew open.

I stared around wildly. No field, no Misao. I was still in the temple. The sun had slipped beneath the horizon, leaving me seated in the dark.

"No," I half moaned, half whispered. "No."

Was it all a dream? I could not be sure. All I knew was that my heart ached in the silence of the temple, and only one thing could cure me.

But I could not let that be.

TBC …

Please review if you would like me to continue. ^_^

Chapter title from Monica Ramos' Pondering off the Moai CD. The English translation (it's in Spanish) of the lyrics for this song are below, for anyone who is interested. It's a very pretty song.

* - dialogue taken from Maigo-chan's Rurouni Kenshin Manga Translations, available at http://www.maigo-chan.org/ruroken.htm for those of you who don't know about it and are interested. No disrespect is intended in borrowing these lines; it simply fit well into the story. I hope this does not offend anyone. I will give credit where credit is due.

Pondering: Monica Ramos

Confusing thoughts

Which go through my mind

Leaving chaos in its path.

Go away

There is nothing to

Find here.

My tears will clean

All that you leave behind.

Moon, you who

Come every night, you

Are my witness.

Do you hear my heartbeats?

With a kiss

I tell you everything.

A glance

A sigh.

To touch your heart

And leave an illusion.