Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy ❯ How Would I Know? ( Chapter 3 )

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

By the way, the only thing I really know about martial arts is that they exist. This chapter would probably be better if I had a better understanding of kempo (or is it kenpo?). Any input from more knowledgeable readers would be appreciated. ^_^

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 3: How Would I Know (Misao's POV)

Thud. Thud. Thud. Three kunai sank one after another into the soft wood of the only target I could find that wasn't being used by someone else.

Plop. Plop. Plop. Three more kunai landed in the grass in front of the target.

"Chikushou!" I hissed, and stomped forward to retrieve them. "How many years have I been doing this? It's so easy with six targets. None of my kunai ever touch the ground when I use six targets. Why can't I get them all to hit just one?!"

Usually, the rhythmic thump of my knives is soothing - when I actually hit the target, anyway. And usually, when I practice the kempo that the ever patient Hannya-kun taught me, it organizes my thoughts.

Not this day, though. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. It was just one frustration after another, what with Jiiya practically swiping the last mochi ball out of my mouth (so what if it was still on the plate? I was still going to eat it!), Omasu giving me extra chores (for no good reason), and Shiro and Kuro hogging all the decent targets for their practice so there was only one left.

That's enough to make any ninja girl frustrated, even when she doesn't hold the fate of the one man she loves more than anything in her hands. Although, it might not have been so bad if I hadn't kept dropping my kunai all over the ground so that I had to keep picking them up.

"Well," I said to myself, "let's try this again."

Thud, thud, thud, thud. Plop, plop.

"Oh, for … Kami-sama, what's wrong with me?!"

Four on the target, two on the grass. At least my odds were improving a little.

I came out to this field to practice and to clear my head a little. Two days had passed since I'd made my resolution to help Aoshi-sama to forgive himself, and I still didn't have any idea where to start.

Every day that passed without helping him was another day wasted, and I was getting desperate. I couldn't ask anyone at the Aoiya, other than Jiiya, maybe, but he'd been very busy lately, working on super secret Oniwabanshuu business. All of the stuff I'd tried before to find Aoshi-sama's hidden smile hadn't worked: bringing him tea and other things, telling him silly jokes, telling him about all the stuff I did that day, etc., etc.

I tried to logically think of what would help Aoshi-sama get over - or at least come to terms with - his grief over the deaths of Beshimi, Hannya-kun, Hyottoko, and Shikijou.

Maybe if the Oniwabanshuu could tell him that they forgave him?

No, that wouldn't work. To do that, I'd have to find a priest to do a séance. I just couldn't see Aoshi-sama sitting through something like that. His grief was too powerful, too private to share in front of other people. Not to mention how hard it would likely be to find an honest priest to do the séance. The idea was intriguing, but I'd be better off finding some other way.

I noticed that the sun was beginning to set, but I had plenty of lanterns set up around the field. Jiiya would get worried if I was out much longer, but I still didn't have my solution, and I wasn't going anywhere until I got all six of my kunai to hit that stupid little target in one throw.

Sighing to myself, I closed my eyes and tried once more to center myself. I tried to think of nothing but my kunai and the target and the motions I would perform to get the small knives to hit the dumb thing. I told myself not to think about Aoshi-sama and my mission to help him.

I was so absorbed in not thinking about Aoshi-sama that I landed on my head and rolled onto my back in an undignified heap. Somehow my back flip had turned into a flop, and I was staring at the sky, praying that no one had seen me.

"Itai," I moaned, and cautiously raised my head to look around. Thankfully, the field was still empty, and I couldn't sense anyone's presence. "Aoshi-sama no baka," I grumbled as I stood up.

I guess I was a bit more distracted by Aoshi-sama than I'd thought. That wasn't a good thing for an onmitsu Oniwabanshuu, especially a former Okashira. I would have to regain my focus and concentration, or I'd never be able to hit the damn target.

"One more time," I muttered to myself, and closed my eyes.

I normally don't have the patience for centering myself, but I'd been making a special effort lately. Aoshi-sama had commented to Jiiya the other day that centering oneself before battle or even just practice was essential to performing at your best. If Jiiya or one of the others had said this, I would have listened, nodded, and got on with doing what I normally do. However, since this was my Aoshi-sama's word, I was much more inclined to take him seriously.

Oops. There I went again, thinking about him instead of concentrating on the target. I pulled my wandering thoughts back and took several deep breaths.

A breeze ruffled my hair, bringing the sweet scent of summer and flowers with it. Birds sang in the trees as they prepared to settle down for the night. I could see the light fading behind my closed eyelids, and I took one last deep breath.

Finally. Now I was calm and focussed.

Opening my eyes, I reached for my kunai and swiftly began moving through the forms.

Something clicked into place. I didn't know what it was, but suddenly everything felt right. I did a handspring, and heard six quick, successive thuds as my kunai finally struck the target. I grinned, quite pleased with myself.

Then, amazingly, my thoughts also clicked into place, like I'd just been waiting for the right inspiration to figure out what to do. Abruptly, my path was clear.

What I needed to do with Aoshi-sama was get him to talk to me, to tell me what was going on behind those ice blue eyes. If I knew that, then I might have some sort of a clue as to where to start with him. The problem was how to get him to talk to me about it.

Aoshi-sama seemed to think he needed to suffer in silence. He wouldn't let anyone help him, not even Jiiya, his oldest friend and mentor. Somehow I had to get through his barriers and get him to open up to me.

I went through the forms again, this time a little faster. My efforts were rewarded with six more thuds, sweet music to my ears.

For all I knew, Aoshi-sama would be happier if we just left him alone to work it out all by himself. But it didn't seem like he'd made any progress in the year he'd been back with us. Maybe he was trying to find himself again, but he got stuck, and he couldn't find his way back. Perhaps it was about time that someone else stepped in to show him what to do next, as Himura had shown him how to wake up from his madness.

If he didn't care about us, he wouldn't still be at the Aoiya. That much was certain. I just had to show him how much I - well, we - cared about him in return. If I could get him to trust me…

I walked over to the target, deep in thought. I barely noticed now that all twelve of my kunai had clustered around the center of the target.

I couldn't help but wonder where I stood with Aoshi-sama. I mean, did he think that I was an annoying child with a childish infatuation with him? Did he want me to leave him alone?

I shook my head fiercely, yanking harder than necessary on the kunai as I pulled them from the target. He hadn't said either way, whether my presence was a burden or a pleasure. Until he did, I was just going to assume that I wasn't bothering him.

Stepping back, I nodded to myself. It was better that way, especially since I was trying to help him, and self-doubt would only undermine my efforts. Aoshi-sama would sense that, and probably not take me seriously. I had to prevent that at all costs.

For the third time, I went through all of the forms again, and I did them flawlessly. I back flipped, landing perfectly balanced on my right hand, then flipped upright and threw several kunai at the target in mid-air.

I even landed on my feet with impeccable grace, smiling at the target for the first time that evening. I was definitely improving. I thought Hannya-kun would be proud of me if he could have seen what I'd just done.

I don't know what I sensed that made me turn around, but when I did, my heart skittered in my chest. Aoshi-sama was standing off to one side, watching me intently.

"Aoshi-sama," I said, surprised, and feeling not a little stupid. How long had he been there, anyway? "Gomen nasai. I didn't realize that you were there."

He began moving toward me, not so much walking as gliding soundlessly through the grass. My smile felt fixed on my face. All I could do was stare at him, my thoughts jumbling into a tangled mass in my head. He'd been watching me practice.

Was he pleased with what he saw? Did he see me fall on my head? Was he going to ask me to spar with him? Why wasn't he still at the temple? Did he miss me? Was that why he'd come out here? How had he found me?

My smile faded as he came nearer, still silent, still watching me with the strangest expression on his face. It worried me. I'd never seen him look like that before. I'd never seen that much emotion in his eyes before, and it tore at my heart.

"Aoshi-sama?" I asked tentatively. He ignored me and took another step forward, and another, and another. "Ano … daijoubu ka?"

He stopped a few inches from me, looking down at me. I gaped at him. My awareness faded to the raw emotion shining in his normally frosty eyes, the strong lines of his face, his black hair stirring in a breath of air that I hardly felt, the faint curve of his lips…

I could not move. I felt like his suddenly intense eyes locked me into place. My own eyes grew wide with awe and wonder at the depths of emotion revealed to me in this timeless instant.

"Aoshi-sama?" I asked anxiously, watching as the blue of his eyes darkened. I could feel my heart singing over and over again: he does love me! He does love me!

I felt his trembling hand caress my cheek, and I let my eyes close, leaning into his touch. It was more than I had ever hoped for. I wondered inanely if I was dreaming, if I hadn't hit my head harder than I thought and knocked myself unconscious. Whatever it was, I didn't want it to end.

Then I felt his lips brush against mine so very softly. My heart thudded wildly in my chest, and I trembled all over. I could feel myself blushing furiously.

He loves me, he loves me!

I opened my eyes, grinning like a cat with a bowl of cream. "Aoshi-sama," I whispered softly. His fingers trailed down my cheek, and I shivered, thinking of all the nights I had awakened from feverish dreams of his touch all over me, his kisses so passionate, and his … well, never mind.

Wait a minute … he wasn't touching me anymore! I looked at him, confused. His eyes were a little wild, his hand outstretched toward me like he wanted to touch me, but someone was pulling him away. He looked tormented, like he was watching someone tear his reason for living out of his grasp.

If I'd had time to think about it, I might have been flattered. But his image began to fade, right before my eyes.

"Aoshi-sama!" I gasped, reaching for him instinctively. I almost grabbed him, but before I could, he was gone. "Aoshi-sama…"

I blinked, looking around for him, but he wasn't there. I was alone in the field, not to mention thoroughly confused.

"Now I know I hit my head harder than I thought," I groaned in despair. That's all it had been: a hallucination. I felt so cheated. It had been so real, I could have sworn that -

"Ne, Misao-chan!" Jiiya called suddenly.

I whipped around. "Jiiya, did you just see Aoshi-sama?"

Jiiya stepped into the circle of lantern light, looking at me oddly for a moment. "Not since this morning. I believe he's still in the temple."

I frowned, glancing up at the darkened windows of the temple up on the hill. I'd heard about ghosts visiting the ones they loved in the instant that they died. Was that why Aoshi-sama had looked so miserable?

A cold sliver of fear pierced my heart. No, it couldn't be! Aoshi-sama couldn't be dead. I was just paranoid, that's all. Still, it would be better if I went up there to have a look, just to make sure he didn't need anything, that he was still breathing, and not bleeding all over the floor like when I walked in at the end of his battle with Jiiya, and…Kami-sama!

"Ano, Jiiya…I have to go!" I turned and started to launch myself toward the temple, but Jiiya caught my arm.

"Just a moment, Misao-chan," Jiiya said, adroitly moving to cut off my escape route. "I need you to do me a favor."

"Jiiya," I whined, struggling in his infuriatingly strong grip, "this is important!"

"So is this," he replied calmly. "Would you please take this to Aoshi-sama?" He held up a tray covered with a white cloth in his free hand. "Omasu made him supper. She asked me to give it to him, but I think he'd like it better if it came from you."

I stopped struggling. "Me?" I squeaked.

"Aa," Jiiya said solemnly. "You've been brooding in your room or out practicing for two days, and I think he might be getting worried. I know he'd like to see you."

Well, it would allow me to see for myself if Aoshi-sama was all right. If he wasn't all right - no, don't think about that - if he was all right, and if I could get up the courage to ask him about what happened, then I might find out what the heck that was. I'd feel stupid, barging in there to find that he was still meditating quietly. At least bringing him his supper would give me a legitimate reason for disturbing him.

"Misao-chan?" Jiiya prodded gently.

"H-hai," I replied. "I'll take it to him."

Jiiya smiled gently. "Arigatou, Misao-chan. Don't stay out too late, ne?"

"Hai," I said, a bit more firmly this time. I took the tray and watched him head back toward the Aoiya.

Aoshi-sama would be alive when I got there, or I'd go after him, drag him back, and kill him again just for doing this to me. I had promised myself to help him, and Makimachi Misao never breaks a promise.

I picked up a lantern once he disappeared into the trees, and started off in the opposite direction. It was just like Jiiya to know how I felt. It could be the opening I'd been waiting for. Maybe when I got there and found Aoshi-sama safe and alive, I'd be able to ask him about that kiss. Maybe he'd open up and tell me what was going on.

One way or another, it would be okay. I just knew it.

TBC

Want more? By all means, leave a review and let me know. ^_^ I'll be more than happy to oblige.

Chapter title from Melissa Etheridge's How Would I Know from the Breakdown CD:

You might believe there's a paradise

In the next hello

How would I know

If you don't tell me so

If you wanted to go

How would I know?