Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy ❯ Fear ( Chapter 4 )

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

Aoshi is stubborn. Please don't hate me for this. ^_^

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 4: Fear (Aoshi's POV)

"A-Aoshi-sama?" Misao called tentatively as she entered the temple. The light from her lantern spilled over me, illuminating the darkness I'd been staring into for what seemed like hours.

I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of her voice, but I turned around as if she had merely interrupted my meditation.

Misao set the lantern on a table nearby. A faint pink flush colored her cheeks, but she strode purposefully toward me. I noticed a tray balanced in her hands, but I was concentrating on her reddening cheeks. All I could think about was that brief, sweet moment when I'd…

A dangerous line of thought. I still didn't know if it had been real, or simply a product of my strangely overactive imagination. But if it had only been a dream, why was Misao blushing so much? And if it had been real, was that why she was here now? To ask me about it?

"I brought you something to eat, Aoshi-sama," Misao said shyly, pulling the white cloth off the tray.

Oh. I was almost disappointed, and I hated myself for it.

"Arigatou, Misao," I said quietly.

She smiled brightly. It lit up her entire face.

My heart ached at her innocent smile, but I ignored it and picked up the chopsticks and the bowl of rice. I watched her closely underneath my bangs, both hoping and fearing that she would stay for a while longer.

I wanted her to stay so that I could watch her beautiful, expressive face. I wanted to listen to her chatter happily about whatever came to her mind like she did sometimes when she brought me tea. But I could never let her know what sort of affect she had on me.

I knew this was a selfish desire, but now that she was here, after what I'd dreamed, what else could I do?

Misao did stay with me, much to my mingled relief and chagrin. She was quiet for a little while, watching me eat. That lasted only a few moments before she fidgeted almost nervously and launched into a detailed account of something that had happened at the Aoiya earlier that day.

I didn't pay too much attention to her words. I was studying her face, fascinated by the mercurial nature of her expressions, flowing from angry to happy to sad to irritated and back again in a constant stream. The musical flow of her voice provided an interesting counterpoint to the emotions revealed so clearly on her features.

Above all, I noticed that she was nervous. She was trying to cover it up by being more animated than usual, perhaps thinking that I wouldn't notice, or that I didn't know her well enough to determine her moods from her actions.

Since I'd returned one year ago, I'd had plenty of time to study her, to relearn who she was while she visited me in the temple. I doubt that she noticed that was what I was doing while I pretended to meditate after the tea things were cleared away. I think that was another reason that my meditations became disturbed so often by visions of her: I was watching her too much.

If she knew, it would only encourage her infatuation with me. I could never tell her; that would be far too great a betrayal of trust. She was only seventeen, and she should remain free to make her own choices. I was finished with that part of my life. The rest was already determined for me, and I would not change that. Soon enough her misplaced affections would fade, and adhere to another lucky soul. I would do nothing to ruin that, however much it would displease me to see her in another man's arms.

No. Displeasure was too mild a word for what that would do to me. Enrage, now that was a much better term. But I would keep silent even if it killed me to see her happy.

I couldn't bear to cause her any more pain after all I had done to her. I would never let her waste herself on me. I would never give into the temptation to keep her for myself, no matter how hard it was.

"Ne, Aoshi-sama?" Misao asked hesitantly.

My attention was instantly pulled from my thoughts to her serious expression. A sudden pang of unease worked its way into the pit of my stomach. Now she was going to ask me a question I didn't want to answer, and I dreaded this more than anything.

Her blue eyes, usually wide and sparkling with laughter, were now troubled and uneasy. My heart ached to soothe away that unease, to take her into my arms and tell her that everything would be all right. To just know that she would be near, that she would always be near…

"Hai?" I replied after a moment of silence.

Misao started in surprise when I spoke, and I winced inwardly. It was hard for her to say whatever it was she was trying to say, perhaps as hard as it was for me to hear it, and I'd just made it harder somehow.

"Aoshi-sama," she said again, and stopped. She frowned, shaking her head, and continued. "Aoshi-sama, did I…did I see you in the field?"

So it had been real. Oddly, this both comforted and disturbed me. Now what should I do? Stall for time? Make something up? Ignore her question, refuse to answer?

I stared at her. Flushing prettily, Misao dropped her gaze to her tightly clenched hands in her lap. I closed my eyes for a moment, sighing inaudibly. How could I answer that? I didn't want to outright lie to her, but if it was necessary, I would.

"Yes," I heard myself saying quietly. Kami-sama, damn my wayward tongue!

Misao's head jerked up, her blue eyes wide with some emotion that I didn't recognize and didn't even want to begin to guess at. She swallowed hard, her hands tightening their grip on each other in her lap.

"And…did you really, ano, kiss me?" Her voice trailed off in a nervous squeak, but she didn't look away.

I looked away, placing the bowl of half-finished rice back on the tray. And then I found myself nodding dumbly, precisely the last thing that I'd wanted to do. What had gotten into me? I had sworn to never hurt her this way, to never encourage her to throw herself at me and ruin her life this way, yet there I was, blindly admitting these things to her like a complete and total fool!

Yes, I was shocked to find out that it wasn't a dream, that I had really kissed her.

Yes, I was shocked that she would be strong enough to confront me like this.

And yes, I was shocked that my iron grip on my emotions had deserted me when I needed it the most.

But none of these things could ever excuse the damage that my simple lapse would inevitably cause. Who knew what she -

The sudden materialization of Misao's wide blue eyes right in front of me broke off the frantic whirl of my thoughts. She was kneeling with her knees brushing my calves. I could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin cotton of my hakama.

She's too close.

Her hand was on my cheek, the heat of her palm burning its brand into my face with her touch. She looked so unhappy…

The need to feel her body pressed against mine, to soothe away her pain and confusion, was so overwhelming that my arms lifted to embrace her before I could stop myself.

Misao blushed deeply as I settled her in my lap. She made a small noise in the back of her throat, but did not resist when I pulled her against my chest, burying my face in her soft, sweetly scented hair. She relaxed against me with a gentle sigh, resting her forehead against my shoulder.

She smelled like sweat, grass, and sunshine. She felt like heaven.

How could one small person be so warm, so pliant and irresistible in my arms? I was trembling, but I couldn't let her go, not when I could finally know what it really felt like to hold her, instead of living with the pale shadows of dreams.

Nothing would ever be the same again.

Very slowly, I pushed her away from my shoulder. Her eyes were trusting, expectant, and not a little confused when I leaned into her. I gave her plenty of time to reject me and pull away as I half hoped and half feared she would.

But she didn't.

A jolt of electricity went through me when my mouth covered hers. This was no mere chaste kiss a gentleman would give to his lady. This was passion, raw and unyielding. This was fire, this was betrayal, this was darkness, but oh, how very sweet…

I straightened, pulling her body with me, pressing her down on the mat. I sighed raggedly against her soft, yielding lips, kissing her again and again until those incredible lips parted to allow my tongue to slip between them.

Misao moaned quietly, twining her arms around my neck. My hands slid down to grasp her small hips, holding her writhing body still. Somehow, her legs had wrapped themselves around my waist. Her fingers were tangled in my hair, preventing my escape.

Her need matched mine. Her desire was equal to mine. And Kami-sama, was it ever intoxicating. I couldn't help myself.

And then she moaned again.

That soft, needy sound penetrated the haze of want clouding my mind. Suddenly, I remembered where I was and what I was doing.

I stiffened, and pulled away from her with a stunned gasp. Her fingers slid from my hair as I withdrew, and I could have screamed at the loss of her warmth.

But I have too much control over myself for that. I remained silent, except for my jagged breathing. I stood shakily, backing away from her.

Misao was staring at me, utter dejection in her eyes. A tear slid down her cheek, and I flinched as if she had struck me.

"Aoshi-sama, onegai…" Her voice was a mere thread of sound, but it weakened my defenses.

I couldn't let this be. "Gomen nasai," I whispered. "Misao, I can't…" A lump formed in my throat. Damn my awkwardness with words! How could I make her understand? How could I make her see that I won't let her ruin her life by wasting herself on a man like me? "I won't let you do this," I went on quietly. "I'm not worth it."

Misao's jaw dropped in shock. She stared at me for a few more seconds, then shook her head fiercely in denial. "Aoshi-sama," she started, but I had already turned to go, lest I slip ever further into this madness. "Aoshi-sama, matte!"

I ignored her frantic plea even though it tore through me far deeper than any sword could cut. I knew that any argument that she made would have me back in her arms. If I stayed to hear her out, no force on earth would be able to stop me from taking her, making her mine. Any excuse would do, and I could not allow that to happen.

I heard a dull thud, probably her fist striking the mat, just as I left the temple. I almost turned back around. I almost went back to comfort her, to ease the pain I had caused her again. But I kept walking. It was the hardest thing I had ever done.

Coward, an inner voice sneered. Selfish bastard!

I won't deny that.

You can't even face her now, so you run away, just like you've been running all your life. It's easier for you, isn't it? Can't handle a little emotion, can you?

I would only cause her more pain. She could not possibly be happy for long if I let myself return her feelings. I would only weigh her down, contaminate her pure soul. In time, she would see who I really am, and she would grow to hate me.

Rationalize away, the voice taunted. It'll do you no good. She is the only heaven you will ever see, in this world and the next. If I were you, I'd enjoy it while it lasts.

No! I can't do that to her!

You're just afraid to admit that you love her. You can't risk the part of yourself that she hands out freely every day to the people she cares about. She's so much braver than you are, so much stronger. You're afraid that she'll see how much of a weakling and a coward you are, aren't you?

Stay out of it! What do you know?

More than you do, apparently. It chuckled nastily. Your pride is more important than the people you love, isn't it? Even if you had undeniable proof that her love for you is true and lasting, you'd still be too afraid to let her make you happy. You are spineless, and you know it!

No! She doesn't love me. She's too young; this will pass when she meets another more worthy of her. She doesn't love me. She can't! My love for her would only cause her pain. I am too scarred, too old, too worthless for her.

Pathetic, the voice scoffed. If you can't see what is so plain before your eyes, you are not worthy of it. You will never find the atonement you seek.

And the voice was gone, leaving me shaking and confused in its wake.

Kami-sama…what was I supposed to do now?

TBC (breathe, everyone! The next chapter will be up soon! ^_^)

Chapter title from Sarah McLachlan's Fear from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:

But I fear

I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose here

In this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There's nothing I'd like better than to fall

But I fear

I have nothing to give