Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy ❯ Wishing That ( Chapter 5 )

See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

I may post a lemon that fits into but is independent from this story for those of you that want the graphic lemon and those of you that would rather skip the gory details. I haven't decided yet…

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

Chapter 5: Wishing That (Misao's POV)

Aoshi-sama was leaving me.

I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't even think.

He'd proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he saw me as a woman, and not the child I had been. He'd shown me the merest glimpse of the depths of his passion. For once, he'd let me inside his walls, and then he'd torn away from me and slammed them back down around him.

Gomen nasai, he'd whispered. Misao, I can't…I won't let you do this. I'm not worth it.

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

I watched him walk out of the temple from the floor, too stunned to react or cry out to him. A shuddering sob I barely noticed wracked my body, and I saw his fists clench just before tears filled my eyes and I could no longer see.

All I wanted was for Aoshi-sama to come back, to take me in his arms again and tell me that he hadn't meant what he said, that everything would be all right. Maybe even tell me that he loved me…but I knew that was a futile hope.

Aoshi-sama did not come back. I realized that I was crying harder than I'd ever cried before.

I finally managed to curl up into a ball. I was shaking so badly with the force of my sobs I thought I might shake my entire body apart.

Why couldn't he see that he was everything to me? How could he not know that he was worth anything, even more than he would ever understand?

Gomen nasai…

I'm not worth it.

"No," I moaned through my tears. "You're wrong, Aoshi-sama…"

Eventually, the pain and misery subsided to a more manageable level. My weeping subsided, and I was able to sit up again. I was so tired, so drained, but I resolutely wiped the tears from my cheeks.

I looked around, seeing reminders of him everywhere: the incense smoldering in the censor, the offering on the altar, the almost fanatical neatness of the room. My gaze fell on the half-empty tray. I glanced away quickly, blinking fiercely before the tears could come again.

I refused to cry anymore. Now was the time for thinking clearly, not wasting time on such trivial and childish displays of emotion. Bawling like an infant might make me feel better, but it would not help me find a way to get Aoshi-sama to realize his own worth.

At least I knew what his problem was now. Inferiority complexes couldn't be that hard to deal with. I just had to show him how much he meant to me.

After all, Kaoru-san had finally gotten Himura-san to marry her the same way. She'd helped him to forgive himself, and to get over that infuriating "I'm not worthy" phase he was going through. Maybe she would have some advice for dealing with Aoshi-sama. I decided to write her the instant I got back to the Aoiya.

Now, what to do while I was waiting for her response?

I sighed, and it echoed in the silent temple. I drew my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, resting my chin on top. I remembered all too well how it felt to be in Aoshi-sama's arms, with his lips on mine, his breath mingling with my own breath…I shivered at the thought.

Then I sighed again, slumping my shoulders. I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to feel his love and passion consuming me utterly as it had when he kissed me.

Obviously, Aoshi-sama felt something for me. If nothing else, his body was definitely interested in mine. I'd felt that, and there was no mistaking what that was.

Okon and Omasu had been very thorough in my education about such things. It still makes me blush to remember that.

But, inevitably, something was still making him hold himself back from me. The best guess I could come up with was guilt for the deaths of Hannya-kun and the others. Or maybe he thought that he was too old for me? Or even that he thought his hands were too bloodstained to touch me? I had to find out what his reason was so I could logically argue against it or otherwise overcome it.

Subtlety was my best weapon against Aoshi-sama in this battle. I had to tread cautiously with him, stalk him like a wild creature, and tame him so cunningly that he didn't realize what I was doing. I had to find a way to outwit his defenses and work my way so far into his heart he'd never be able to live without me.

So that meant I couldn't confront him a second time, no matter how much I wanted to feel the warmth of his body against mine, the softness of his hair on my fingers, the pressure of his lips…

I shook myself vigorously to stop that train of thought. At this rate, the next time I saw him, all I'd be able to do is turn bright red from head to toe!

My eyes fell on the forgotten tray. I doubted that Aoshi-sama was hungry anymore, so I decided to take it back to the kitchen. Omasu would be annoyed that he hadn't eaten all of it after all the trouble she went through to make it. I just hoped to avoid any embarrassing questions she might ask.

"Wait a minute…" I muttered aloud, shrinking inside as something occurred to me. "What if…what if Aoshi-sama leaves the Aoiya because of what happened?" I stared hard at the tray in growing horror.

Kami-sama! What would I do if he left us again? A lightning bolt of grief and loss struck my heart hard. I could barely breathe in its wake.

The mere thought of living here without Aoshi-sama, never knowing where he was, or how he was doing, or if he was eating, was enough to make me leap to my feet. Tears were prickling my eyes again, threatening to overflow.

No! Even if he did leave again, I would go after him, and I would find him again, whatever it took.

I smiled, suddenly feeling much more at peace now that my determination had been strengthened. I wondered if I should go check to see if he was all right (just a glimpse, and nothing more). I didn't want to go searching for him just to find out that he had already left, but I had to know. I wouldn't bother him; I'd just look. He'd had enough shocks for one evening, and my head hurt from crying.

Yet something told me that it would be a mistake to leave him alone right then. And I was sprinting out of the temple before I knew it, the tray and lantern both forgotten behind me in my haste.

I didn't have far to go, surprisingly. Aoshi-sama had paused at the bottom of the steps leading away from the temple.

I saw him clearly by the light of the lamps hung along the street. I stopped about ten feet above him, uncertain whether or not to go any closer.

Aoshi-sama was no help. He didn't even move. His head was bowed, his shoulders tensed, and his hands were clenched tightly. It looked like he was fighting some strange inner battle. He did not seem to realize where he was.

"Misao," he said softly, and I jumped in surprise. "I know you're there."

I bit my lip, looking away guiltily. "Aoshi-sama?" I asked timidly. I took a few hesitant steps forward. "Daijoubu desu ka?" I stopped three steps up from him, wondering if he'd let me get closer.

"Misao…" He lifted his head at last, still not turning to look at me. "Misao, I-I need time."

I stood perfectly still, all my attention riveted to the silent man in front of me.

"Don't go," I whispered before I could stop myself. My heart ached to wrap my arms around his waist, but I didn't dare move. "Onegai. Don't leave me."

"Iie, daijoubu desu. I'm home for good," Aoshi-sama replied gently, with no reluctance in his voice at all.

The tension drained from his shoulders as I released the breath I'd been holding in a quavering sigh of relief. He stood there for a moment, then wordlessly walked away, in the direction of the Aoiya.

The liberation I felt at those quiet, reassuring words weakened my knees. I sagged down onto the steps and let the tears come.

Arigatou, Kami-sama. Aoshi-sama wasn't leaving me. I hadn't carelessly driven him away.

I looked up at the sky, grinning up at the stars twinkling high above me like jewels in the black velvet night. I could almost imagine Hannya-kun smiling back at me from up there, or wherever he was. I knew he and the others were still watching over me, and that they would approve of my quest. If they could have, I'm sure that they would have helped me.

It wouldn't be long now. Soon, Aoshi-sama would forgive himself, and then he would see how much I loved him.

With that thought firmly in my mind, I jumped up and raced back to the Aoiya.

TBC

Chapter title from Jann Arden's Wishing That, from Happy?

Listen to my nervous laughter

Sunken deep inside my heart

My lips are dry I'm teary eyed

For you my love

I'm wishing that you love me too